How to control jealousy of the ex/old relationship...

[katiemiller]

I will try to keep this as short as possible. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months. I knew he had been in one serious 4 year relationship before me. This was his first ever girlfriend and they broke up almost a year before we met. He told me that they broke up because he wasn’t ready to marry her and she didn’t want to stick around.

 

I have found old cards and letters here and there, so that always bothered me, but I just don’t think he thought to throw them out. I was on his computer the other day and silly me, I found old imessages between them leading up to their break up. It was basically her saying that she was unhappy and that he needed to step up to the plate. He begged, pleated, offered to go to counseling, said she was the only girl he’d love and want to marry. I know I shouldn’t have read this but it made me so angry that he was so willing to fix things with her and make those efforts. And yes, I understand most people are frantic to save a relationship when an actual threat it made.

 

I read another text to his friend back in December and my boyfriend told him that we hadn’t said I love you yet and his friend asked if he was still guarded and he said yes.

 

I just feel like lately that our honeymoon phase is over and he’s not making as much of an effort and I am getting increasingly more jealous of his ex. He devoted a lot of time to her, invested thousands of dollars into starting up her own business and it just bothers me. I know that we haven’t been dating nearly as long. But I want him to make more of an effort and at some point get to the “I love you” phase.

 

He avoids his ex at all costs, he doesn’t talk about her and he assures me that he’s 100% over her. We have talked about him making more of an effort (he doesn’t know that I read the texts) and he agrees that he doesn’t show me enough. He also assures me that he sees a future with me.

 

How do I get over this jealous and stop comparing our relationship? I am just so scared that I am going down a path with someone who may be scared to open again. Feel free to call me jealous and crazy, because I know I am and I am trying to get it under control without him knowing.

[contel3]

This might sound harsh but the best way to deal with this is to stop looking at his email....

 

You can't compare yourself to someone you know nothing about. Until you feel secure enough in your relationship to not feel threatened by her there's no point bringing up the past.

[Satu]

This jealousy could be the kiss of death for your relationship, so you need to deal with it.

 

It's not unusual. It's common, but it's a big problem.

 

Honestly speaking, I think you need some counselling.

 

It's something you can resolve, but not on your own.

 

 

Take care.

[smudge21]

If you allow his past to affect your present then you have no future.

 

What someone did before you even knew him should not be your concern. We all have pasts, good and bad, but the moment we meet new people and choose to be with them, that past is the past. Sometimes our past can affect us but it also shapes us. Whatever happened in his past has led him to be where he is now, with you, and that includes his ex.

 

The problem you have here is the fact that you went digging into that past and found someone that affected you. Guess what, if you dig into anyones past you're bound to find something that bothers someone, somewhere. If you look hard enough, you'll find what you want, or don't want.

[Satu]

This issue isn't really about your boyfriend and his past.

 

It's about you.

 

Just you.

 

When you take responsibility for it and own it, you have begun to see things a little more clearly.

 

When you think it's about him, you're not seeing clearly.

 

 

Take care.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Let's see...what are you options here?

 

A.) Go back in time and erase your ex's previous relationship

B.) Go back in time and un read the letters, emails notes

C.) Force your bf to love you

D.) Work on resolving your own insecurities and then focus on improving your relationship

 

The only plausible option is D, right?

 

Satu is right. You really need to look within yourself and figure out 1.) What made you snoop and 2.) Where you're anger and jealousy is stemming from.

 

Your bf's past relationship has nothing to do with you and it's unfair and unreasonable to be upset with him for any of it. You decided to dig up his past and then got upset and with what you discovered. And none of it had to do with you.

 

If your bf is indeed "guarded," you just did the worst thing you can do by betraying his trust and snooping. You're only 6 months in to the relationship and you expect to compare it to his first serious realtionship of 4 years? Love takes time. Love is committment, dedication, compromise, sacrifice...

 

Infatuation is not love. The honeymoon phase in a budding romance is not love. Your ex has a right to be guarded and if you really want a relationship to work with him, you would try to help him open up to you by showing love. NOT snooping and then getting angry that he's not as invested in you as you'd like.

 

Re-evaluate yourself and figure out where your insecurites are coming from. Start from there.

[hippychick3]

In addition to what's already been said, you have to understand that their relationship was 4 years old. Yours is only 6 months old. You can't compare a long term relationship of 4 years to one that is only 6 mos. There is no comparison between the 2 regardless of the people involved. It takes years to get to the stage they were at when they broke up. Eventually you will be there as well if this relationship continues. But you will surely sabotage what you have now if you're comparing the 2 and setting the bar that high. Real emotional intimacy and attachment take time. 6 mos is not very long.

[basil67]

If he devoted so much time and love to her, she probably wouldn't have dumped him. Yes, I know he begged and pleaded at the end but likely that was too little, too late. You have to remember that you're jealous of a FAILED relationship. Doesn't make sense, does it.

 

Anyway, be careful about continuing with a guy who's guarded and not making much of an effort. If he doesn't get his act together pronto, it's time to reconsider if you really want a partner who's half arsed about what he will give to a relationship.

[sandylee1]

That's his past and you can't change how he felt about her.... but I'd be thinking if he really loved her enough... he'd have married her. He wouldn't have wanted to loose her. 4 years is definitely long enough to commit to her and propose... something stopped him from doing that .... so I really wouldn't be jealous.

 

He had doubts.. he wasn't 100 % sure... so stop being jealous. She'd be his wife if it was that great.

 

My husband had an ex and they had a 7 year relationship.... I used to see cards she gave him and I got jealous too .... but he's with me and I don't believe that they ever discussed marriage.

 

Don't bring up marriage just yet.. be nice.. be a cool gf and in your mind decide when you expect commitment to be raised. Men don't like pressure like that.

[Miss Peach]

I do agree with the others in that there is no reason to compare your relationship with his previous one.

 

Having said that, 6 months is about the time when your feelings are deepening, people start taking off their masks, and people start feeling some anxiety wondering whether your feeling are being reciprocated. That is normal but it can only be resolved in grounding yourself OP.

 

This may or may not help you but one thing I had to unlearn was the desire to control the outcome of the relationship. It's like reading a book and wanting to read the last page to know how it will end. You can't do that with relationships. You have to just enjoy it. He may be with you for a long time or he may not. He may love you or he may not. None of this is in your control other than what you contribute to the relationship. You have to hope he shows up to do his half.

[azureorb]

Talk to him about it. Tell him that you are overly jealous because even though you believe he is over her right now, those things can come back, and you did meet him on the rebound... and you wish that all past letters/emails be deleted.

 

If he can't do that, he's not over her. If him doing that doesn't make you feel any better, nothing's going to solve your jealousy issues.