He showed up at my apartment today and now I'm a mess

[The Aftermath]

My story is a long one and I am sure many will judge me harshly here, but I love this man and I am heartbroken that - despite all he went through to start a new life and be with me OPENLY & honestly - he has decided to go back to his wife. I apologize for the novel, but there's so much that happened & I could really use some advice. I thought the most painful thing to ever happen to me was my separation, but at least I knew my husband still loved me when he left...he just felt we couldn't solve our problems. This is a completely different type of pain where I'm left feeling worthless, broken...and have so many questions as to whether this man ever loved me or if he was/is just a lost person who doesn't know what he wants.

 

Almost 10 years ago my marriage was dead when I met the man I eventually cheated with - I will call him "J". I tried over and over again to get my husband to try and work with me, but eventually I lost respect for him and fell out of love with him. In hindsight I know that cheating was the cowardly thing to do, but I could not fathom divorcing my husband and dividing our family. J texted/called me every day, throughout the day. I didn't love J yet, but I was falling for him. We became intimate not too long after that, but almost 5 months later his then GF found my texts & she told him to end things with me. My DH found J's texts and pics not long after and things were rough with us as well.

 

I found out that I was pregnant around the time all of this was happening & I was 99% positive the baby was J's. My husband found the baby books (I hadn't told him I was pregnant) & he approached me and asked "How are you and MY baby?" I thought this was his attempt at trying to reconcile with me even though he suspected the baby wasn't his. I had the baby, DH and I tried to make things work, but 3 years ago we separated as we just couldn't overcome our problems.

 

In the past 3 years I kept running into J with & without his GF (at the store, grocery store, etc). After the most recent time in 2015 we were in contact again. He told me his GF was now his wife & he asked me how I was. I didn't plan to keep talking to him after that initial text convo, but each morning he would say hi and ask me about my day. He asked if we should meet up and I declined the first few times and made excuses that I was with my younger daughter. Eventually I gave in & we started seeing each other again the following month. This time around I fell in love with him. He had been telling me since we first started talking/before we got involved about how his marriage was dead and he wasn't happy, but he never did anything about it. I was so happy when I was with him, but I hated being a mistress. How could any woman be happy loving someone who went home to/loved someone else? The fleeting moments of happiness didn't make up for all the times I felt lonely and broken...so I decided to end things.

 

I tried to leave him the 1st time and he cried and begged me to stay. Stupidly, I gave in. The 2nd time I tried to leave, he tried to pull me back in & it was at this time that I ended up revealing to him that my 2nd daughter was his. I thought this would push him away, but instead he had questions and said he wanted to be a part of her life and that he wished I told him years ago. He told me he thought his baby was his first daughter, but that our child was his REAL first daughter. He really wanted to know and love her, but I didn't want to break my ex-H's heart by revealing to him that his daughter was not "his".

 

A few months went by and I was happy when I was with J, yet still miserable about my predicament. The 3rd time I told him I was leaving I meant it & I followed through. I told him to forget about me & that I just could NOT do this anymore. I felt so empty inside, hated myself and the person I had become (I was separated/didn't feel like I was cheating, but was still enabling HIM to cheat on someone) and it was just too painful for me to continue. I told him that I loved him and knew this was the best thing for him as well. I actually felt like I was at peace with my decision.

 

A few days later he calls to tell me that he was going to leave his wife. I never asked him to. In fact, I told him I did NOT want that burden on my shoulders of someone leaving his wife & kids "for me". He said that he had to give "us" a chance and the next day he told her he was leaving her. She asked if there was someone else. That Thursday I got a call from a restricted number & it was her. I pretended not to hear and hung up. She confronted him, bashed him on the head with her phone & he eventually admitted the affair and told her about our daughter. She was of course devastated at the news that this was the 2nd time he was involved with me & that we had a daughter together. That Halloween they spent their last night together as a family at his parents' house. His wife broke into his phone & saw our messages, mostly him telling me how much he loved me and was glad I was back in his life, etc. He told me she said she knew he loved me & that this was going to end or she would see to it he never saw his kids again. That Sunday he told me thru his tears what happened & said he was sorry, but she was going to take his kids from him. I told him I never wanted to speak to him again.

 

That Tuesday I get a text from him. He said he knew I hated him, but to please hear him out. He asked if he could talk to me the next day. I met with him and he told me he was sent home from work Monday because he was distraught & he stayed home Tuesday. He begged for a 2nd chance, apologized for being weak (when she threatened him) & said he was going to make good on his word to leave so I would no longer be his mistress. I was hesitant, but agreed to be with him if he did leave. He claimed he was doing it for himself so he didn't keep living a lie and being fake with her, but I did feel pressure to stay with him knowing he left also to be with me.

 

Fast forward to today...it has been 3 months. He DID move out & has been renting a room for the past 3 months nearby and has been seeing his children 2x/week. His wife clung to him of course...she apologized for all the times she mistreated him. She abused him a few times over the course of their marriage (he said she'd Donkey-kick him to wake him up & she punched him twice - once when she found out about me & another time when he broke her radio while drunk). I saw their convos which is why I believe he wasn't lying since she admitted her mistakes and said she confessed to a priest. Only now that he was happy with me did she want to change. She tried to be affectionate after he left & he told her to stop. She called him pet names & he said it made him feel uncomfortable so he told her to stop. She asked if she could see him ALONE - he told her no. He didn't give her a Xmas gift & wouldn't accept one from her. He gave me the password to his phone, but he never knew I checked it until recently. Most of the things that happened between them I knew about before he told me because I read the messages. He just felt so guilty about his kids 24/7 that my ultimate fear was he would go back to her. He seemed neutral towards her so I never thought I'd be where I am today.

 

He seemed to be less affectionate recently and when I checked their convo a few weeks ago I saw where his wife had asked why he drove off upset after he had returned the kids to her. He replied "You can just tell me if you're dating someone. I deserve to know who's around my kids". His wife then replied that she wasn't dating, but even if she was HE had told her to move on. I confronted him about what I read and he said he wasn't hiding it, but was working up to talking to me about it. He said he asked himself a million times before he left her if he loved her and he was positive he didn't, that's why he didn't understand why it upset him thinking of her dating/being with someone else. He said he didn't think about her when he was with me nor did he think of her that way when he saw her, but her being evasive about her plans made him confused and he felt like maybe he still cared for her. I told him if he was still hung up on her then he had no business being with me. He said he didn't know what he was feeling and it hit him suddenly. He was crying by this time and asked for a break to figure out what he was feeling/needed to do.

 

2 days later I asked if he made a decision. He told me that I deserve not to be feeling insecure all the time wondering if he still loves her and he said he might. He claimed he didn't know and this just hit him. He talked to his wife and she said their son was in counseling and it was J's fault for leaving. (In my opinion this is her trying to manipulate him because when J first left her months ago she warned J, "You will make our son go crazy"). So J told me that he DID love me & wasn't lying about that. He said that he never planned this and that he was SURE of his decision when he left, but that now he felt like he had to fix his family which meant he had to let me go. I was so angry -- I told him that months ago I was ready to cut him out of my life....that I had ALREADY left him and it was on MY terms, but that HE pulled me back in and asked ME to give him a 2nd chance. I told him he made me trust and believe in him & now that he's done this there would NOT be a 3rd.

 

He told me he understood that it may not even work out with his wife, which would mean he's lost us both. In the past he mentioned several times that they've had so many problems over the years, but because of the stigma he never wanted them to divorce or separate. He admitted he cares a lot about his social status and that partly he doesn't want people to hate him. I know he has felt SO guilty the entire time he was gone because he also didn't want his kids to hate him. I KNOW that his family and friends shunning him has been very hard on him because he felt so isolated & only had the support of a few close friends. Still, None of this makes me feel any better. I told him I feel like I was a placeholder the entire time & I would rather that he cheated on me with some stranger than to go back to his wife because that means I never stopped being his mistress. I asked him why he hadn't mentioned our daughter and after a long silence I said, "Your wife is preventing you from seeing your daughter, isn't she?" He admitted she was. I told him that at his insistence I had FINALLY let his daughter meet him and they had spent the day together for her birthday and on a different occasion he came over to play with her/give her her gift. He said it would haunt him if he pulled a disappearing act and I told him that regardless of how I felt about what he did to me, I would not be vindictive and prevent him from knowing his daughter. He said sadly that he didn't deserve to know her.

 

The past few weeks have been torture. We live so close to each other and have run into each other on the road going home from work. He used to text me when he saw me and say hi, and now he acts like he doesn't know me. I think this is the worst part -- how someone who claimed to love you can just turn it off so quickly...from using terms of endearment and being affectionate, to suddenly being cold and distant. I have been trying to make sense of what happened and I just can't. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from beneath me. He was so adamant he was never going back because their relationship was tainted and he was practically living with me when my ex-husband had the kids. I am trying to reconcile in my head what happened, but I just can't understand how someone who claimed he loved me could do this.

Edited March 1, 2016 by The Aftermath

[minimariah]

hello!

 

i think you should post this in Other Woman/Other Man section, i believe you might get more answers...?

 

being left out of the blue sucks. my advice to you: try to focus on one day at a time. try to occupy your time with other hobbies, kids, just things you like to do. it sucks because you have a child with this man + you see him a lot... don't know what to tell you. try to avoid him as much as you can until you're emotionally at the place where you're able to deal with seeing him.

 

what kind of support do you have, any family or friends you can talk to and rely on? also, i didn't understand - do you have some kind of custody or visitation agreement with him? does he see your child?

[The Aftermath]

hello!

 

i think you should post this in Other Woman/Other Man section, i believe you might get more answers...?

 

being left out of the blue sucks. my advice to you: try to focus on one day at a time. try to occupy your time with other hobbies, kids, just things you like to do. it sucks because you have a child with this man + you see him a lot... don't know what to tell you. try to avoid him as much as you can until you're emotionally at the place where you're able to deal with seeing him.

 

what kind of support do you have, any family or friends you can talk to and rely on? also, i didn't understand - do you have some kind of custody or visitation agreement with him? does he see your child?

 

Thank you for your response. I am not sure if I should repost or if I should request this be moved?

 

I actually have not seen him for a few weeks. I got upset with him via text last Friday for being absent in his daughter's life & since then he hasn't replied and hasn't yet asked to see his daughter again. I finally did confide in a few family members about the whole situation & about my husband not being DD's bio. father. Most of my friends have turned their backs on me because they believed I should have refused him when he left his marriage, even IF he was truly unhappy. We don't have any type of custody agreement; the last time we spoke he said his wife would CONSIDER letting him see his daughter, but only if she had her own DNA test done. She has his family convinced that I have somehow forged the paternity test results.

 

So far he has only seen his daughter for the all day trip we took for her birthday and the time he visited us to give her her birthday gift. He planned to be a permanent fixture in her life and to visit her more often, but then all of this happened.

[LostOnes05]

Well, he claimed to love his wife at some point and look what he did to her. Look what you did to your husband. I hate to say this but you did this to yourself. If he was going to get a divorce nothing would have stopped him. You knew this wasn't going to have a happy ending for someone. Whether it was your ex husband, his wife, you, him ,or the children on either side, someone was going to get hurt. That's why cheating is never good. Getting your hopes up for someone to leave their husband/wife is not a good idea either.

 

Think about this. If he loved you so much, he would be with you. He monkey branched between you and his wife. Even still he will always have access to you through the daughte you share. And with what you said, it seems as if you will greet him with open arms when he does come back around (as soon as things are unbearable at home).

 

All you can do now is take care of your daughter and be the best mother you can be in these circumstances. I think you're more upset that you left and he got you to come back each time, as if he had power over your will. Now that he ended it, he ignores you and obviously that hurts considering the situation. And the child is living proof of his infidelity...so what about his social status. Does he want an award for going back to his family after cheating and bringing a life into this world? Next time someone is unavailable (under any circumstance) leave that situation alone.

 

I do wish you the best of luck. And don't beat yourself up too much at this point. What's done is done.

[The Aftermath]

Well, he claimed to love his wife at some point and look what he did to her. Look what you did to your husband. I hate to say this but you did this to yourself. If he was going to get a divorce nothing would have stopped him. You knew this wasn't going to have a happy ending for someone. Whether it was your ex husband, his wife, you, him ,or the children on either side, someone was going to get hurt. That's why cheating is never good. Getting your hopes up for someone to leave their husband/wife is not a good idea either.

 

Think about this. If he loved you so much, he would be with you. He monkey branched between you and his wife. Even still he will always have access to you through the daughte you share. And with what you said, it seems as if you will greet him with open arms when he does come back around (as soon as things are unbearable at home).

 

All you can do now is take care of your daughter and be the best mother you can be in these circumstances. I think you're more upset that you left and he got you to come back each time, as if he had power over your will. Now that he ended it, he ignores you and obviously that hurts considering the situation. And the child is living proof of his infidelity...so what about his social status. Does he want an award for going back to his family after cheating and bringing a life into this world? Next time someone is unavailable (under any circumstance) leave that situation alone.

 

I do wish you the best of luck. And don't beat yourself up too much at this point. What's done is done.

 

I have thought about everything you said & I really believed because he was in a toxic/abusive relationship that him leaving was the beginning of him leading an honest life. His father abused him as a child and I don't believe this woman loves him if she could repeat that pattern...I think she cares more about "keeping" him. When he first admitted the affair she bargained with him and asked if he could at least not leave her until the holidays were done so she could take family pics for her FB. I guess I might feel happy for him if he were going back to a spouse who was a good person & who truly loved him. As I see it he's gone from 1 abusive relationship (his dad) to another (his spouse).

 

His close friends & family know about our daughter together, but most everyone else is in the dark. 99% of his friends are HER friends. I do feel bad he doesn't have the support system I do, but it doesn't change anything. He gets to go crawling back to her & she doesn't care. He could kill her parents & she'd take him back.

 

As far as my own A goes I deeply regret hurting the man I loved once & I know that cheating on him was the cowardly thing to do. I can never explain how lonely it is to be in a marriage where only 1 person has tried for years to fix things to no avail...not an excuse, just how I felt at the time.

[minimariah]

Thank you for your response. I am not sure if I should repost or if I should request this be moved?

 

i think you should repost, moderators will probably see and decide where to put the thread. i will warn you, you might get some harsh(er) responses... but i think you'll get more useful advice and support from folks who are going or went through the similar experience. your situation is much more complex than the usual break up story.

 

I finally did confide in a few family members about the whole situation & about my husband not being DD's bio. father.

 

that's good. seek support from everyone you can, do NOT keep quiet about the situation. it's important that you have support and someone to confide in. stick with those family members who give you love and make you feel good, same with friends. cut off the rest.

 

He planned to be a permanent fixture in her life and to visit her more often, but then all of this happened.

 

would you be interested in pursuing this custody arrangement, taking him to the court and asking for child support? what is your financial situation like, do you have a steady source of income? are you able to take care of the child for the following years on your own?

 

turn to yourself and your child now. protect yourself and make sure you're good.

[The Aftermath]

minimariah -

 

I reposted in the OW forum you suggested. I hope this is okay.

 

At this point I am trying to stay away from him. Last time we spoke he DID ask if I needed anything, but to me it just felt insulting for him to ask NOW. If he does not ask to see his daughter then maybe he doesn't deserve to see her.

 

I guess I'm feeling like I shouldn't have to ASK him to see his daughter; knowing how much he loves his kids I would think he would be contacting me to maintain his relationship with her. I guess only time will tell if he ends up disappearing from her life altogether. I haven't considered taking him to court...I am still scared about how my ex-H will take it if/when I reveal to him that he's not DD's real father.

[whichwayisup]

In hindsight I know that cheating was the cowardly thing to do, but I could not fathom divorcing my husband and dividing our family

He is in the same boat as you once were and can't walk away from his wife and kids. Seems that he feels that he has to at least give it his best and go from there. He's been honest about that, even saying he may end up alone if his marriage doesn't work.

 

Sorry you're hurting, just take it day by day and rely on good friends and family to help you with this your loss, keep busy and avoid places that you know he'll be, though since he lives in the same area it's going to take effort to take different car routes and avoiding certain stores/restaurants.

[LostOnes05]

The point of my post is that he could have gotten a divorce if he was that unhappy. What's worse staying in a crappy relationship or getting a divorce and showing your children that they choose their own happiness? Besides children can tell when things aren't right.

 

Even in response to my post you are defending his actions. You've got to get it in your mind that he is an adult, who made adult decisions and must be responsible for them.

 

I think that you may need to get the courts involved and get a paternity test done again to prove he is the father and get support for the child. Only at that time would I reach out to him.

[The Aftermath]

The point of my post is that he could have gotten a divorce if he was that unhappy. What's worse staying in a crappy relationship or getting a divorce and showing your children that they choose their own happiness? Besides children can tell when things aren't right.

 

Even in response to my post you are defending his actions. You've got to get it in your mind that he is an adult, who made adult decisions and must be responsible for them.

 

I think that you may need to get the courts involved and get a paternity test done again to prove he is the father and get support for the child. Only at that time would I reach out to him.

 

I agree..which is partly why I was devastated, but slightly relieved when my H left years ago (as strange as it sounds). He couldn't forgive me for the past & had started to treat me horribly. He didn't speak probably more than 2 words to me each day and as a result we fought constantly in front of our kids.

 

You are right about the kids...long before J decided to leave their son told J's wife he had a dream that they separated.

 

J and I both agree he makes/made hasty decisions without thinking things through. Knowing that does not erase the pain. I am still very angry that he constantly assured me he was sure of his decision & after some time I felt it was right to let him meet his daughter. Not even 2 weeks later this happened.

[The Aftermath]

He is in the same boat as you once were and can't walk away from his wife and kids. Seems that he feels that he has to at least give it his best and go from there. He's been honest about that, even saying he may end up alone if his marriage doesn't work.

 

Sorry you're hurting, just take it day by day and rely on good friends and family to help you with this your loss, keep busy and avoid places that you know he'll be, though since he lives in the same area it's going to take effort to take different car routes and avoiding certain stores/restaurants.

 

Appreciate your response. I do understand what it feels like, but I guess I believed he was SURE of his decision to leave because HE assured me he was. He was even surprised at himself that he finally had the courage to do so...I never predicted he would leave, pay almost $1K/mo. to rent a room and spend all that time away from his kids - only to go running back to her.

 

We take the same route to work as well. It's been so difficult because we live less than a mile away from each other and our places of business are literally one exit apart from each other. I feel like this is some great cosmic joke -- that we have lived / worked in the same vicinity all this time & to bring us together again after so many years only for it to end horribly.

[LostOnes05]

Yea...I understand your sentiment. If he wants to be in the child's life, let him with the understanding that the relationship you have with him is finished. But don't allow him to be a fly by night father. If he is going to be involved, that is the one commitment he can't back out of...no little person deserves that.

[The Aftermath]

Yea...I understand your sentiment. If he wants to be in the child's life, let him with the understanding that the relationship you have with him is finished. But don't allow him to be a fly by night father. If he is going to be involved, that is the one commitment he can't back out of...no little person deserves that.

 

This is my concern exactly. I already warned him when we first "officially" got together that it was one thing if he hurt me & another thing entirely if he hurt our daughter. Now that he is letting his wife bully him and prevent him from seeing his daughter I am having 2nd thoughts about letting him back into DD's life. He has already proven how weak he is and I don't want him to hurt her again. I really do feel stuck and every one of my friends and family members who knows the situation has advised me to cut him out of DD's life completely. I worry that even if this IS what is best for her that my DD will hate me when she is older for making this "choice" for her.

[LostOnes05]

You are right. Letting his wife bully him out of seeing his daughter is absolutely weakness. If she is going to accept him back, she must realize that he comes as a package deal now and that includes his daughter.

 

Just give her the best life that you can regardless of whether he is in it or not. If it turns out that he won't be in her life, make it a point to be honest with her why that is. Let her know that you wouldn't do anything to hurt her and that it was the best decision for both of you at the time. And if she ever wants to reach out to her father, brothers and/or sisters, she is completely within her right to do so when she feels ready.

 

And like one of the other posters said, just take it day by day. It's gonna be alright.

[Poppy47]

I'm sorry you have been so hurt.

 

It seems to be a common pattern ... leave wife for OW then go back to wife shortly afterwards.

 

I for one would not judge you because I am not in a position to judge anybody.

 

I hope you have lots of love and support from you family and friends.

 

Poppy.

[The Aftermath]

Thank you for your advice. I am definitely trying to just get through each day, but I find it so hard to just forget about him even though he caused me so much pain. My daughter looks like he did when he was a child so it's like a constant reminder/trigger when I look at her face.

[The Aftermath]

I'm sorry you have been so hurt.

 

It seems to be a common pattern ... leave wife for OW then go back to wife shortly afterwards.

 

I for one would not judge you because I am not in a position to judge anybody.

 

I hope you have lots of love and support from you family and friends.

 

Poppy.

 

Thank you for your kind words. I personally would never leave my spouse & kids unless I was absolutely sure there was no turning back. I hate feeling like I was expendable...this is the 2nd time he has discarded me, except this time around he gave me hope for the future.

[Adoraxx]

He used to text me when he saw me and say hi, and now he acts like he doesn't know me. I think this is the worst part -- how someone who claimed to love you can just turn it off so quickly...from using terms of endearment and being affectionate, to suddenly being cold and distant. I have been trying to make sense of what happened and I just can't. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from beneath me.

 

Just so you know you're not alone in feeling like this: It's what I can't understand about my own situation either... My xMM is my neighbor and he acts the same way you described. I wish I had any advice for you but I don't. I know my xMM doesn't want to lose what he has (his house/ belongings/ children etc) and I understand that part, although it doesn't explain to me why he acts so cold towards me all of a sudden. I really do wish you well and I Hope you feel better soon... xx Adoraxx

[sandylee1]

So you let your husband believe your OMs child was his.... I honestly think that's the most cruel thing a woman can do to a man.

 

Sometimes it's just not meant to be..... The two of you would never really be totally happy together. Too much has happened and his wife and kids aren't going anywhere.

[lemondrop21]

Not that he's necessarily going to take a suggestion coming from you right now, but I think he should spend time away from both of you (still seeing his kids regularly but as LC as possible with the wife) so that he can really reflect and "detox" from his addiction to both of you (all love is addictive to some degree, not just affair love). And then he can make a decision with a clear mind, one that he can stick with. I think it would need to be a month, minimum.

 

I say this because he sounds very reactive; his actions were triggered by jealousy. Jealousy messes with your mind at times. Have you ever seen or heard that an ex was with someone else and then had your life thrown into temporary turmoil? I know I have.

 

I almost guarantee he'll try to bounce back to you in some way, once the reuniting honeymoon is over and their old issues resurface.. But then down the road he'll bounce back to her again, keeping you both in constant turmoil.. He's a mess, and their marriage sounds like a mess of other issues in addition to the A that they never addressed. Don't get me wrong, their marriage may very well be salvageable but it should be through an honest effort on both parts. He should be returning because he has reflected deeply, maybe with a counselor's help, realizes the issues that need to be worked on in order for him to commit long term, and with him really wanting that 100%. It shouldn't be driven by a vague feeling that he might love her, that was triggered by jealousy. This is SO unfair to both BW and you.

 

So, when he does try to come back to you, that's what I think you should encourage him to do. Don't welcome him back with open arms just so he can leave again down the road. I wish for BW's sake that she would also push him away and encourage him to take time to reflect, because whoever he "chooses" deserves someone who has made a well thought-out choice that they can commit to. If you both even still want him still want him by the time this charade is over.

 

Best of luck and I hope he sorts himself out for both of your sakes.

Edited March 1, 2016 by lemondrop21

[healingsoul]

Hi,

 

We all make some horrible choices in life and then are left to deal with the consequences. I have read over your entire first post and the whole thread up to this point. I think you have been given some excellent advice and it is great to be part of a community of people worldwide that really want to reach out to help others and to give support even during the darkest, toughest times.

 

Of course you are hurting but it is very mature of you to be taking responsibility for the wrong choices you made. It is so much easier to see things clearer after it is done, you are no longer living in the middle of it and your emotions are not driving your decisions.

 

I think you described the situation of J and his wife very well. Since he comes from an abusive background, he is more likely to allow a wife to be abusive to him. Until he gets healing from his childhood he is going to think he deserves it. He was reaching out to you because he was wanting to feel love and alive but of course you were not what he needed. He needed healing and to deal with the troubles of his own marriage, just like you did when he was pursing you.

 

I agree that the best thing that you can do now is to focus on your child and your own emotional healing. You need to be very careful with custody because while you want your dd to have her father in her life you must realize that with him comes his wife. You might want to look into supervised visits. You should talk with someone about legal advice for your daughter.

 

As far as running into him on your path to work, etc. you might need to find a new way to work and even look for a new place to move to start over again in a positive strong way for you and your dd.

 

I would also recommend that you get some personal counseling that could be weekly for a while to work on issues that come up as you move forward. You need to forgive yourself and J. You both made bad choices. You probably also need to deal with unresolved issues with your husband. Once you do this you of course will need to have to take time to figure out your own life and what you really want to pursue and to make the best homelife you can.

 

I am glad you have a supportive family.

[Sassy Girl]

I guess my questions are more logistical...

 

Have you ever had your daughters paternity tested? And are you collecting child support from your exH for her? If the wife knows she is his daughter and really wants to make trouble for you, what's stopping her from telling your ex? And what's to stop your daughter down the track? How old is she? Surely two fathers will be confusing.

 

Probably better coming from you don't you think?

Edited March 1, 2016 by Sassy Girl

[The Aftermath]

Just so you know you're not alone in feeling like this: It's what I can't understand about my own situation either... My xMM is my neighbor and he acts the same way you described. I wish I had any advice for you but I don't. I know my xMM doesn't want to lose what he has (his house/ belongings/ children etc) and I understand that part, although it doesn't explain to me why he acts so cold towards me all of a sudden. I really do wish you well and I Hope you feel better soon... xx Adoraxx

 

Sorry, everyone, for the late responses. I just got home from work.

 

Adoraxx - sending you hugs & hoping you feel better soon as well.

[The Aftermath]

So you let your husband believe your OMs child was his.... I honestly think that's the most cruel thing a woman can do to a man.

 

Sometimes it's just not meant to be..... The two of you would never really be totally happy together. Too much has happened and his wife and kids aren't going anywhere.

 

Back when my H & I first reconciled I really was not in the right frame of mind to be reflecting on the current situation. Everything happened so fast, but of course I am not proud of all of my decisions. As far as DD goes I do feel this is what was meant to be since H has been so good to her & has been in her life despite what happened with us. Also, I never got DD tested until a few months ago...it was only that my intuition was telling me DD was J's. H & I were intimate only a few times as I felt like I was cheating on J, twisted as that may sound.

[The Aftermath]

Not that he's necessarily going to take a suggestion coming from you right now, but I think he should spend time away from both of you (still seeing his kids regularly but as LC as possible with the wife) so that he can really reflect and "detox" from his addiction to both of you (all love is addictive to some degree, not just affair love). And then he can make a decision with a clear mind, one that he can stick with. I think it would need to be a month, minimum.

 

I say this because he sounds very reactive; his actions were triggered by jealousy. Jealousy messes with your mind at times. Have you ever seen or heard that an ex was with someone else and then had your life thrown into temporary turmoil? I know I have.

 

I almost guarantee he'll try to bounce back to you in some way, once the reuniting honeymoon is over and their old issues resurface.. But then down the road he'll bounce back to her again, keeping you both in constant turmoil.. He's a mess, and their marriage sounds like a mess of other issues in addition to the A that they never addressed. Don't get me wrong, their marriage may very well be salvageable but it should be through an honest effort on both parts. He should be returning because he has reflected deeply, maybe with a counselor's help, realizes the issues that need to be worked on in order for him to commit long term, and with him really wanting that 100%. It shouldn't be driven by a vague feeling that he might love her, that was triggered by jealousy. This is SO unfair to both BW and you.

 

So, when he does try to come back to you, that's what I think you should encourage him to do. Don't welcome him back with open arms just so he can leave again down the road. I wish for BW's sake that she would also push him away and encourage him to take time to reflect, because whoever he "chooses" deserves someone who has made a well thought-out choice that they can commit to. If you both even still want him still want him by the time this charade is over.

 

Best of luck and I hope he sorts himself out for both of your sakes.

 

Hi Lemondrop! Thank you for your response. When J told me that I was right and we shouldn't continue if he was unsure how he felt about his W he DID say that he SHOULD have remained alone when he first left her (to be sure of his decisions). Too little, too late, right?? And I also feel that his actions were triggered by jealousy as he NEVER talked about his ex and in the convos I read between them he was always neutral and putting her off. He didn't give a crap about her until he thought someone was moving in on HIS "wife and family".

 

In general he is a very jealous person. He told me that he always felt so lucky that "someone like me" was with him because guys were always hitting on me no matter where we went, but then in the same token he was always so jealous that people found me attractive. We would come back from the mall and he would tell me "You know I saw a lot of guys looking at you, but then they turn away once they see ME". He also used to be worried that I would wear certain things to go out with friends without him being there. He told me that I was already beautiful and if I wore certain clothes guys would pay even more attention to me. I feel that my style is "edgy", but he said my taste in clothing was because I wanted people to look at me.

 

I find it interesting that you mention that you think he may try to come back to me. I personally feel like he thinks I hate him & that he is SURE of his decision to go back, but I have had friends and family members warn me that he may try to come back to me some time down the line.