He showed up at my apartment today and now I'm a mess

[stillafool]

 

While J's W doesn't want him to see me & he CLAIMS he wants to respect her wishes he just asked me last week if he could come over to talk to DD or if he could drop off my things. I asked him if this was okay since I would be here and he said it was fine. In any case I told him no, said I had plans and he said "maybe next time". Then we had that argument via text and J hasn't contacted me since to talk about DD. He knows without a doubt I will NOT allow DD to go to his W's house if he ends up moving back in with her. I don't trust that woman with her since she can't even treat her H with respect...I can only imagine the pain she'd want to inflict on my daughter.

 

No I didn't mean to for J to see DD at his wife's house. I meant perhaps you have a close friend or relative who can be there with DD so her father can visit her without you around. It seems that every time you and J talk you argue and nothing gets settled and it prevents him and DD from getting together to bond. So it would seem the obvious solution would be to get a 3rd party to be there with DD when her Dad comes to visit and you be gone.

[malvern99]

I don't trust that woman with her since she can't even treat her H with respect...

 

Something something something glass houses. Just kidding . Seriously though, cut J's poor wife some slack. You have been messing with her life and that of her children for at least 8 years, so please give her a break. Being on the sh*tty end of an A has been known to mess with people's sanity. You ask for empathy, and I hope you have some empathy for her as well, because no matter what she did, she does not deserve to be cheated on.

 

If J is truly as unhappy as he tells you, why go back? You were unhappy in your M... yet once you got out of it you did not go back to your exH did you? She busted him years ago in this A if I remember correct. Why did he not take that golden ticket out of the M back then if he was so unhappy? I know you have seen texts, but ultimately, you are only privy to one side of that relationship. You have no idea what he tells his wife about you in private.

 

You could try to have some honest dialogue with yourself. Make a list of all the positive things J brings to your life, and weigh it against one that highlights all the negative things he brings. Whatever the outcome, it could help you decide what needs to be done.

 

I agree with the poster who talked about family counseling for your DD. No matter how this unfolds, I think it would be good for you to see a counselor as well, because I can just imagine the type of stress this causes, and the kind of pressure you are under. Make sure you take care of yourself too. Good luck.

[healingsoul]

I am still very concerned for your DD and your exH. I think both of them need to be very high in your priorities and you need to take serious steps in going to family counseling and legal counseling before you do anything further.

 

Let me explain: My brother got married to his first wife when he was 19 and she was 24. She "got" pregnant and did what he considered was the "right things to do." Now 20 years later, a lot has happen. He raised his daughter and loves her, he also had a son by his first wife, the mother of his dd several years before they divorced. But he has always been involved in his dd's life, matter of fact she finished her last years of hs living with him and not her mom. I share all this to say in the last few years he has questioned whether his dd is actually his. He has gone so far to claim she is not and his current live in gf states she is not.

 

If he ever had a paternity test and found out that his dd, my neice, was not his it would devestate her. Honestly, living in a divorced family situation has been hard enough on her and I really think it would push her futher into psychological inbalance while she already struggles with insecurity, self-esteem, etc. even though she tries really hard to show she is strong and to build her present and hope for the future. I can see no good in doing the paternity test except to hurt the dd. Yes, it might give my db peace of mind because it has bugged him so much but that does not make it worth the pain it will cost others.

Because it will also effect her own db, that she loves dearly.

 

Now, let me also say, that I not a little control from J and manipulation in him demanding that you do the paternity test. It is almost like he is seeking a way to keep you twisted into his life, and in many was has succeeded.

This is why I urge you to go to family counseling and to seek legal counsel before you do anything else.

 

People's lives are at stake. This is not at all a simple situation!

[R.Gant]

paying child support for a child that's not yours?

(wrong on so many levels)

 

making exbh believe a child is his?

I mean the affair was bad enough. Jeez.

 

exH will be devastated but he will recover!

Rather than be devastated years from now which could be worse!

(just make sure you do good on your promise to remove exH from child support)

 

Imagine having spent that time and money for a child that was never yours.

 

It would have been a different thing, If J did not know DD was his.

But now that J knows DD is his. Its probably time to separate DD from your ex-H.

Edited March 3, 2016 by R.Gant

[ladydesigner]

paying child support for a child that's not yours?

(wrong on so many levels)

 

making exbh believe a child is his?

I mean the affair was bad enough. Jeez.

 

exH will be devastated but he will recover!

Rather than be devastated years from now which could be worse!

(just make sure you do good on your promise to remove exH from child support)

 

Imagine having spent that time and money for a child that was never yours.

 

It would have been a different thing, If J did not know DD was his.

But now that J knows DD is his. Its probably time to separate DD from your ex-H.

 

Agree I cannot fathom lying to someone about a child not being theirs this is very sad. I feel sorry for the daughter and the exH.

[Sassy Girl]

Besides the whole ex husband issue (be careful here because fathers are now suing mothers for paying for children that are proven not to be theirs to recoup the child support payments) the thing that sits most uncomfortably with me is how you are playing god with everyone's life.

 

Your daughter deserves to know he truth of her own parentage. Not immediately, but this is not a secret you can take to your grave. She deserves the right to know who fathered her. And the more you put that off, the worse it's going to be. There's no way to do this painlessly. But you can do it the right way. But you need help to do it and Alot of therapy for your daughter. I suggest MM start pitching in for that financially.

 

You need a plan to start telling people the truth. Right now you're making excuses. You've made lots and lots of really bad decision up to this point. Now is your opportunity to turn this around and start doing the right thing. See a counsellor and start making a plan. Enough people know that this skeleton won't stay put forever. Best that you control the message rather than it blow up in your face.

Edited March 3, 2016 by Sassy Girl

[13Hearts]

Sorry, I don't agree with everyone saying XH needs to be told. He is fragile, emotionally, and his own family has asked that he not be told. Additionally, XH has already told his DB that he would not want to know. The child is 8 years old and bonded to her dad as I am sure he is bonded to her. Anyone who says XH is not her REAL father is trippin'. Being a real father is not just having sex with someone and running back and forth between women. AP is a sperm donor who cannot commit to a single thing, and is unhealthy at that. Believe it or not, money is not everything. What benefit does it serve to break the bond between XH and child? Talk about emotional destruction.

 

Leave the past in the past. Let AP go; you have that power. So many people live their lives without acknowledging the truth, or reality, in harmful or destructive ways. If XH wants to live his life not knowing, and continuing to love his daughter as his own, he should be permitted to. He wouldn't be the first man to raise, pay for, and love a non-biological child unselfishly.

[MJJean]

While it's nice to live in fairy land where exH and DD can be kept ignorant or told later, there are realities you have to deal with.

 

Your xMM can petition the court to establish paternity. Since you didn't tell him until recently, he has a case for visitation since not being in her life wasn't his choice.

 

When, not if, exH finds out, he can sue you for those child support payments.

 

Your child has a right to know who her father is. The longer you wait, the more damaging the news will be to her and to her relationship with you.

 

Your exH has a right to know how many children he has fathered. The longer you wait, the worse it will be. Especially if one of the too many people who know decides to tell him first.

 

If your kids have never had real serious medical problems, awesome! But do not underestimate the importance of an accurate biological family medical history. Your daughters life may depend on knowing what is in her genes.

[ChickiePops]

Sorry, I don't agree with everyone saying XH needs to be told. He is fragile, emotionally, and his own family has asked that he not be told. Additionally, XH has already told his DB that he would not want to know. The child is 8 years old and bonded to her dad as I am sure he is bonded to her. Anyone who says XH is not her REAL father is trippin'. Being a real father is not just having sex with someone and running back and forth between women. AP is a sperm donor who cannot commit to a single thing, and is unhealthy at that. Believe it or not, money is not everything. What benefit does it serve to break the bond between XH and child? Talk about emotional destruction.

 

Leave the past in the past. Let AP go; you have that power. So many people live their lives without acknowledging the truth, or reality, in harmful or destructive ways. If XH wants to live his life not knowing, and continuing to love his daughter as his own, he should be permitted to. He wouldn't be the first man to raise, pay for, and love a non-biological child unselfishly.

 

Nobody said that her ex is not the child's father. Of course he is. But now that her biological father is aware that she is his bio child, he wants to be in her life. You don't think someone..ex husband, daughter, other family, other kids..is going to start questioning why this random guy has visitation rights? Then the truth will come out and everyone will be even more devastated than they would have been if OP had just told the truth from the beginning.

 

Of course she should let the AP go. But he knows that's his kid and he might not allow that.

[Ms. Faust]

I don't see why Dude hasn't started paying CS right now since he knows it's his kid... seems like... I dunno... the right thing to do??

 

I'm gonna take a guess and say the BS won't let him...

[ChickiePops]

I don't see why Dude hasn't started paying CS right now since he knows it's his kid... seems like... I dunno... the right thing to do??

 

I'm gonna take a guess and say the BS won't let him...

 

Actually the BS seems to be the only one making any progress..

[anika99]

Sorry, I don't agree with everyone saying XH needs to be told. He is fragile, emotionally, and his own family has asked that he not be told. Additionally, XH has already told his DB that he would not want to know. The child is 8 years old and bonded to her dad as I am sure he is bonded to her. Anyone who says XH is not her REAL father is trippin'. Being a real father is not just having sex with someone and running back and forth between women. AP is a sperm donor who cannot commit to a single thing, and is unhealthy at that. Believe it or not, money is not everything. What benefit does it serve to break the bond between XH and child? Talk about emotional destruction.

 

Leave the past in the past. Let AP go; you have that power. So many people live their lives without acknowledging the truth, or reality, in harmful or destructive ways. If XH wants to live his life not knowing, and continuing to love his daughter as his own, he should be permitted to. He wouldn't be the first man to raise, pay for, and love a non-biological child unselfishly.

 

I actually agree with you that the BH is the daughter's real father and that this may have been a can of worms that should have never been opened. However the OP herself is the one who blew this open. For some reason she was compelled to do the DNA test and then even worse she told the MM and invited him into her daughters life. In her fantasy of running off happily with MM she wasn't too worried about how devastating this was going to be to her husband and her daughter. She probably figured everyone would just get over it and be happy that she was happy. Now a bunch of people know including the MM's wife! The chances of this coming out are like a thousand times greater now then before and since the rose is off the affair now the OP is trying to get all those worms back in the can but I don't think she's going to get them all.

 

She's the one who started this and now I think she has to finish what she started. If it's going to come out eventually then now is better than later. The BH isn't going to feel better about being lied to for even longer than he's already been lied to and the daughter is going to be more accepting of this information now then she will be as a teenager. Teenagers are in a strange phase of life. They are trying to establish their identity and navigate becoming their own person. They are often moody, emotional and sometime even hostile while they are coping with their raging hormones. If the daughter finds out about this as a teenager she is going to turn on her mother something fierce. She will think her mother is a hypocrite, a liar, a loose woman, etc. If she's told now she will be confused at first but way less judgemental of her mom and by the time she reaches her teens it will be old news that has just become a part of her life.

 

OP You can't rip a bandaid off halfway and then try to re adhere to the skin, it will just keep coming off more and more. I think you gotta finish ripping it off now.

[Ms. Faust]

...For some reason she was compelled to do the DNA test and then even worse she told the MM and invited him into her daughters life.

 

She also told her ex husband's brother and sister in law, which is going to affect his relationship with that family as well. Basically all the key players know except DD and ex husband.

Edited March 4, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[The Aftermath]

Something something something glass houses...You ask for empathy, and I hope you have some empathy for her as well, because no matter what she did, she does not deserve to be cheated on.

 

If J is truly as unhappy as he tells you, why go back? You were unhappy in your M... yet once you got out of it you did not go back to your exH did you? She busted him years ago in this A if I remember correct. Why did he not take that golden ticket out of the M back then if he was so unhappy? I know you have seen texts, but ultimately, you are only privy to one side of that relationship...

 

I know, I know: 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones'. I never claimed to be faultless. When I said his W didn't respect J and therefore I couldn't trust her not to hurt my DD I was referring to the abuse thing. I meant if she could punch/kick the H she claims to love who knows what harm she'd inflict on my daughter simply because she's mine.

 

And I do understand there are 3 sides to every story - his/hers/the truth. I only gleaned what info I could from his wife's statements of regret for all the things she did, etc. etc. I do know that they have both disrespected each other (both cheated on each other at diff. points in their R) and I know I played a part in all of this as well.

 

One point I wanted to correct was that I have not been constantly in their lives for the past 8 years. If you mean the fact that DD existed then I misunderstood...but when J told me his then GF wanted him to end things with me 8 years ago I left him alone.

 

** Forgot to address one thing -- you mentioned I Did not go back to exH, however, at one point in time almost a year into our separation he DID try to get back with me (even though he is the one that left). AS I mentioned he has always been immature and I Think if he was mature we may have been able to work things out. He didn't try to talk to me...he would just bring my favorite treats and then try to be affectionate with me, which was kind of odd after we'd been separated for so long. The reason I did NOT respond to his attempts was because he had not made any changes. He still was floating, still immature (he was raving and hanging out with 20-year olds, couldn't even buy his own lunch, quit a good job, etc) and it wasn't enough that he just loved me. I'm sorry, but it just wasn't enough. So while everyone told me my life would be easier if he came back (joint income, another parent to help me, etc.) I knew we would just end up having problems down the line unless we both tried to address the problems that were in the M before all of this.

 

I don't think J is mature in that way either. He is isolated, no family support, very few friends that support him, financially he is barely making it having to pay his rent and exorbitant amount of child support, but mostly he has been dying of guilt from leaving his children. He spent so much time with and without me crying over them thinking the most he would see them is in the pictures that hung in his cubicle. Not making excuses for him as I know he made poor choices, but my point is that he was weak and while I have my own weaknesses as well, in this respect I feel that I was strong. My life COULD be much easier if I responded to H and asked him to come home, but I didn't.

Edited March 4, 2016 by The Aftermath

[Ms. Faust]

I'll be honest with you, I think your relationship status with this guy J is the least of your concerns. You have a lot bigger problems that you will eventually have to address, namely you telling the truth to your daughter and her mental health when she finds out you deceived her about who her real father is. J and his wife, and what they do or don't do, and whether his wife abuses him or not, all the dramadramadrama and justifying that you are entailed in really should be the last thing on your mind.

[The Aftermath]

I am still very concerned for your DD and your exH. I think both of them need to be very high in your priorities and you need to take serious steps in going to family counseling and legal counseling before you do anything further....

 

Now, let me also say, that I not a little control from J and manipulation in him demanding that you do the paternity test. It is almost like he is seeking a way to keep you twisted into his life, and in many was has succeeded.

This is why I urge you to go to family counseling and to seek legal counsel before you do anything else.

 

People's lives are at stake. This is not at all a simple situation!

 

Healingsoul - Thank you for sharing your B's situation. I do hope all works out for them as well.

 

I HAVE been stressing & thinking about what's best for DD & H...this is why I STILL feel that if I were DD I would want to know who my real (bio) father is even if H will always be her "Dad". Also, my family/friends think I am making a huge mistake by telling H, especially since he said he would never want to know. I really am torn as far as what to do.

 

J told his W that he wants to be in DD's life. He never even asked for the FIRST paternity test (it was ME that wanted one for my own knowledge) ...it's just J's groveling right now / trying to please his W and SHE is the one who wants "her own" paternity test because she thinks somehow I forged the results & she refuses to let J see DD unless this happens. This is what he tells me of course and while he could be lying, I am pretty sure this is what his W wants. I am sure she wouldn't want him visiting a child that might not be his, plus she wants him far away from me if at all possible of course.

[The Aftermath]

paying child support for a child that's not yours?

(wrong on so many levels)

 

making exbh believe a child is his?

I mean the affair was bad enough. Jeez.

 

exH will be devastated but he will recover!

Rather than be devastated years from now which could be worse!

(just make sure you do good on your promise to remove exH from child support)

 

Imagine having spent that time and money for a child that was never yours.

 

It would have been a different thing, If J did not know DD was his.

But now that J knows DD is his. Its probably time to separate DD from your ex-H.

 

I did not know for sure DD wasn't H's...it was just a gut feeling I had, but as I mentioned with us reconciling years ago I just pushed it to the back of my mind. I have wondered about it, but only confirmed recently DD was J's. I don't think H's primary concern will be the money...I am more worried about his sanity. When you say separate DD from exH what do you mean exactly? I do think even if he finds out he will still love H & I don't think he would shun her.

[The Aftermath]

Besides the whole ex husband issue (be careful here because fathers are now suing mothers for paying for children that are proven not to be theirs to recoup the child support payments) the thing that sits most uncomfortably with me is how you are playing god with everyone's life.

 

Your daughter deserves to know he truth of her own parentage. Not immediately, but this is not a secret you can take to your grave. She deserves the right to know who fathered her. And the more you put that off, the worse it's going to be. There's no way to do this painlessly. But you can do it the right way. But you need help to do it and Alot of therapy for your daughter. I suggest MM start pitching in for that financially...

 

I mentioned several times that I planned to tell exH. I'm not sure why you feel I'm playing God with everyone's life. I only found out recently that DD wasn't exH's and since then I have been stressing about if/how/when to tell him and her. I was taking steps to do that and was going to tell at least H right after DD's birthday when everyone started making me second-guess that decision. While I don't think I would tell DD at this age I do think she should know eventually. Again, everyone has advised me this is the wrong decision. J did offer his help, but at this point I am just trying not to contact him & he hasn't contacted me since the last time he texted.

[The Aftermath]

Sorry, I don't agree with everyone saying XH needs to be told. He is fragile, emotionally, and his own family has asked that he not be told. Additionally, XH has already told his DB that he would not want to know...

 

This is exactly the concern of both my friends/family and my in-laws/H's family. We ALL know how he handled the separation and he was the one who left. He changed...became absent-minded (and still is), lost a lot of weight and I think went through depression for some amount of time. No one knows this, but those of us who know him IRL know what this could possibly do to him. This may seem like an excuse to all of you, but I do know my H just like his family knows him...I WANT to tell him so badly and have wanted to tell him since I found out; forget what happens to me - we are ALL worried this may push him over the edge and that he may try to hurt/kill himself.

 

While it's nice to live in fairy land where exH and DD can be kept ignorant or told later, there are realities you have to deal with.

 

Your xMM can petition the court to establish paternity. Since you didn't tell him until recently, he has a case for visitation since not being in her life wasn't his choice....

 

If your kids have never had real serious medical problems, awesome! But do not underestimate the importance of an accurate biological family medical history. Your daughters life may depend on knowing what is in her genes.

 

I told J that he and I can talk about his visiting DD..so I think he knows it won't have to come down to that (him using the courts to see DD). It seems like he has dropped off the face of the earth since the last time I replied to his text so I'm not even sure if he's still going to ask to see her at this point.

 

I also thought about what would happen if DD had any medical issue where she needed to know her bio father...this was one of the reasons my friend listed when she suggested I do the paternity test months ago.

 

Nobody said that her ex is not the child's father. Of course he is. But now that her biological father is aware that she is his bio child, he wants to be in her life. You don't think someone..ex husband, daughter, other family, other kids..is going to start questioning why this random guy has visitation rights? Then the truth will come out and everyone will be even more devastated than they would have been if OP had just told the truth from the beginning.

 

Of course she should let the AP go. But he knows that's his kid and he might not allow that.

 

I don't see why Dude hasn't started paying CS right now since he knows it's his kid... seems like... I dunno... the right thing to do??

 

I'm gonna take a guess and say the BS won't let him...

 

J offered to pay CS, but at this point we aren't speaking since the last time I replied to his text. I am not sure if he has talked to his W about this, but I am guessing if he offered that as long as her "own" paternity test proves DD is J's she won't stand in the way. I won't know unless I talk to him, but I'm trying to avoid speaking to him...at least for now.

[The Aftermath]

She also told her ex husband's brother and sister in law, which is going to affect his relationship with that family as well. Basically all the key players know except DD and ex husband.

 

Just wanted to clarify I only told my SIL since I did consider her my most trusted/best friend. She ended up telling her H (my BIL) because she claimed she had too much of a burden despite this being MY secret.

 

I'll be honest with you, I think your relationship status with this guy J is the least of your concerns. You have a lot bigger problems that you will eventually have to address, namely you telling the truth to your daughter and her mental health when she finds out you deceived her about who her real father is. J and his wife, and what they do or don't do, and whether his wife abuses him or not, all the dramadramadrama and justifying that you are entailed in really should be the last thing on your mind.

 

Mentioned their situation in one of my posts only because I wanted to emphasize that I would not want DD in their house (if J does move back in with his W and her parents) & that the information I have was from his W's own mouth (I know I can't take J's word as gospel re: what his W did to him). I am working with a counselor right now, but she doesn't seem to be experienced so obviously I will have to keep searching. She doesn't seem to know much when I ask her questions about when/how DD should be told, etc.

Edited March 4, 2016 by The Aftermath

[The Aftermath]

I actually agree with you that the BH is the daughter's real father and that this may have been a can of worms that should have never been opened. However the OP herself is the one who blew this open. For some reason she was compelled to do the DNA test and then even worse she told the MM and invited him into her daughters life. In her fantasy of running off happily with MM she wasn't too worried about how devastating this was going to be to her husband and her daughter. She probably figured everyone would just get over it and be happy that she was happy. Now a bunch of people know including the MM's wife! The chances of this coming out are like a thousand times greater now then before and since the rose is off the affair now the OP is trying to get all those worms back in the can but I don't think she's going to get them all...

 

I feel like I keep addressing the same question: I decided to do the paternity test because *I* needed to know after wondering for 8 years. I'm not sure why this is hard to understand for many people here? It was KILLING me wondering this all those years, but as I said before I pushed it to the back of my mind because I had to raise a baby and try to repair my M. I am sure any woman would be curious about this, especially as their baby grew up and more and more family members (on both sides) commented on how different their children looked. I know that even blood siblings CAN/DO look different, but if there is a REASON they would look different (like diff. fathers) then I am not sure how any person would NOT wonder.

 

J was already ready and willing to be in DD's life and support her financially...he already said he knew she was his when he saw her pictures because she looks just like him. HE never asked for a paternity test. He thought I was ridiculous for needing to swab him because he said he already knew. It was ME that needed to know for sure for my own peace of mind and before I told exH I had to be sure. I did not want to devastate him and then find out I was wrong. J & I already discussed that regardless of what happened between us we would need to tell both his W and my H. How else could he visit DD and pay CS?

[ChickiePops]

You cannot not speak to the biological father of your child. For once, put your daughter first and air all of this out.

[The Aftermath]

You cannot not speak to the biological father of your child. For once, put your daughter first and air all of this out.

 

There were several responses & I can't keep track of who said what, sorry. So do you feel that I should cut him out of her life and never tell DD? I feel like even if I don't allow J to visit (haven't decided yet what to do about this) that I should still tell DD at some point.

 

Also (NOT addressed to you, ChickiePops) - I'm not sure why people keep stating that I was in some fantasy world like I'm some ignorant twit when I was involved with J. Things did not feel the same for me this time around as they did when I was cheating on my H. This time I did not feel like I was cheating on anyone since H & I were separated for years (but yes, I do admit that I enabled J in HIS cheating on his W). I was actually pretty realistic in what was to come after J made his decision to leave (and as I mentioned I had already advised him NOT to "just" for me because I did NOT want that on my shoulders). I told him to make sure his main reasons were that his marriage was beyond repair. We both braced ourselves for the fallout. It started with my friends who didn't agree turning their backs on me, J's family turning their backs on him, then J started to tell his mutual friends. J had already moved out, had a plan in place for custody, was applying for his own apartment so he could then have his kids 50% of the time once he had his own place, etc. He told me HE even surprised himself at finally taking action after being a coward for years. THIS is why I posted about being confused about his sudden change of heart just because he didn't understand the twinge of jealousy he felt at the thought of someone taking over his family, when he didn't give a sh*t about his W at all before (he always felt guilty about the kids though from day one).

[anika99]

It's not so much that you did the paternity test, it's more that you even told J he was the father, then brought him into your daughters life all while continuing to deceive your husband. If you wanted J to know and to give him the opportunity to meet his daughter (and god only know why you wanted to do that) then the very first step after the paternity test should have been to come clean to your exH. The next step should have been to tell your daughter and then to ask her if she had any interest in meeting him. She should have been given the choice and if she wasn't ready then her feelings should have been respected and you back off of her. What you did was disregard your daughter altogether. You just made all the decisions for her and for your exh without giving them a voice at all. You and your MM acted like all that mattered was what you two wanted and nobody else's feelings mattered.

 

I'm sorry if I seem harsh. I'm speaking from experience. My sons do not have the same biological father. I met my oldes son's father when I was 16 and had my first son with him at 17.We were very stupid and immature and proceeded to have a very long dysfunctional relationship with each other. He made a habit of dumping me. Sometime for a week, sometimes for a month, sometimes for many months. Usually during these break ups he would live it up and sleep around while I would sit at home lonely, crying and pining for him. I was dumb little girl with rocks in my head. Anyways during one of these break ups I decided to hook up with a guy who had been hitting on me for a long time.

I got pregnant and I had a feeling that the hook up guy was the father but I wasn't 100% certain. Meanwhile this turned into one of my longer break ups with my oldest son's father. He would come around from time to time to see me and our son and at one point I told him I was about 3 months pregnant. He immediately jumped to the conclusion that I was pregnant with his child and I was young and dumb and I didn't know for sure that it wasn't his baby so I just let him think that. When I was about six months pregnant he started showing an interest in coming back and doing the family thing so we got back together and I kept up the charade.

 

It was eating me up inside though. I felt so horrible and sick inside everytime I thought about it. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and when I was eight months pregnant I came clean to him. I was so scared that night. He had never physically abused me but I did briefly wonder if I might be in danger before I told him. I definitely thought it would be the end of us as a couple. He could throw some epic rages but he was oddly calm after I told him the truth. We broke up, he got his own place but we continued to turn to each other as friends and out of habit. I had my baby, couldn't tell by looking at him who his father was.

 

When the baby was a few months old my ex came back wanting to reconcile even knowing the truth about the baby. As he was older and somewhat more mature than he was when I had our first son he actually bonded with the new baby more than he ever bonded with our son. He became dad to both of them and he truly loved my second son.

 

When that son was about three and his looks had started to develop it started to become clear who his biological father was. One day my bf was looking at him and he said "he's the spitting image of <name of hook up guy>" I off course had noticed that too and I just said 'how do you feel about that' and he said I don't care because I consider <young son's name> to be my son and he's always going to be my son.

 

When my youngest son was about 5 we broke up for good and never got back together. Both of my sons are adults now and My ex has strained relationship with our oldest son because he never really bonded with him, however with "our" youngest son, well those two are tight with each other. My ex still adores him and considers him one of the best people he knows. When it came to talking to our youngest about his father we discussed it with each other first and made sure we were on the same page. I would have never in million years have gone behind his back and brought the biological father into the picture without his knowledge. Sometimes I couldn't stand my ex but that would have been way too disrespectful and a huge slap in his face.

 

I don't know what the point of telling you that story was. I rarely spill my guts on Loveshack but I think I wanted you to know that you can tell the truth and not have it be the end of the world. There will be drama, people will be hurt and it will be unpleasant. However people will calm down and life will go on and perhaps it wont' even be all that bad. Most importantly you will be free of this huge lie you are carrying around. Just something to think about..

[The Aftermath]

It's not so much that you did the paternity test, it's more that you even told J he was the father, then brought him into your daughters life all while continuing to deceive your husband. If you wanted J to know and to give him the opportunity to meet his daughter (and god only know why you wanted to do that) then the very first step after the paternity test should have been to come clean to your exH. The next step should have been to tell your daughter and then to ask her if she had any interest in meeting him. She should have been given the choice and if she wasn't ready then her feelings should have been respected and you back off of her. What you did was disregard your daughter altogether. You just made all the decisions for her and for your exh without giving them a voice at all. You and your MM acted like all that mattered was what you two wanted and nobody else's feelings mattered.

 

I'm sorry if I seem harsh. I'm speaking from experience. My sons do not have the same biological father...

 

I don't know what the point of telling you that story was. I rarely spill my guts on Loveshack but I think I wanted you to know that you can tell the truth and not have it be the end of the world. There will be drama, people will be hurt and it will be unpleasant. However people will calm down and life will go on and perhaps it wont' even be all that bad. Most importantly you will be free of this huge lie you are carrying around. Just something to think about..

 

Wow, thank you - Anika99 - for sharing your story. I do appreciate hearing how someone in a similar situation feels/felt. Believe me this has been a huge burden on me, for the past 8 years (suspecting DD was J's) and in the past half year (confirming she was with the paternity test).

 

I do have a question though as many posters have said I should NOT have told J the results of the test. I had to get the buccal swab from him so he knows the test was done...I'm wondering if everyone means I should I have told him that the results will be only for ME to know since it was irrelevant to him anyway (he said he knew she was his)?

 

Wanted to add in response to your other post - I have a teenager as well and I HAVE thought about the fact that DD may handle this news poorly if she's told as a teen. That's another problem I'm facing - I do want to tell her and feels she's owed the truth, but WHEN? My family tells me she is too young to know now & that it will confuse her, etc., but then I really don't think there will EVER be a good time for this news...

Edited March 4, 2016 by The Aftermath