He showed up at my apartment today and now I'm a mess

[anika99]

I have thought about everything you have said above and it is probably one of my biggest regrets that I did not make sure when I first found out I was pregnant. I wish that I could travel back in time and tell myself 8 years ago to make different choices...I don't regret my daughter AT ALL...I believe every baby is a blessing and she is faultless in all of this. I would not change that aspect or I wouldn't have DD today, but I wish I had the courage to confess to H that the baby might not be his. I wish I broke NC to tell J about the baby. I agree EVERYTHING would be different right now.

 

I still haven't heard from J. I don't know how much of this has to do with his W or the fact he feels like crap about what he did/that he doesn't deserve her (I know, my last text to him didn't help this any)...but I did make it clear to him before that I am not preventing him from talking to or seeing his daughter. He told me he wanted her to know her half siblings and that he wanted to be in her life. I guess I shouldn't be surprised if he ends up never contacting me to see DD, but I can't help feeling angry and disappointed in him. He was so adamant about getting to meet her, pressured me all the time when i told him I was worried he would was not going to be a permanent fixture in her life. He used to get jealous of her time with my H, wanted to change her last name on her birth certificate, etc...so why the hell is he not fighting to be a part of her life? I could never do that - find out I had a child, start spending time with that child and then just disappear off the face of the earth.

 

I'm trying to figure out what your plan is here. You say you might tell your BH the truth, but you definitely are not going to tell your daughter the truth and yet at the same time you still talk like you want the MM to spend time with her and be part of her life. What are you talking about? Are you planning to bring him into your daughters life under false pretenses and then enlist the help of everyone else to actively keep up whatever lie you are going to tell her? That just sound so very wrong to me. I think if you are not going to tell your daughter the truth then you need to keep the MM away from her.

[The Aftermath]

I'm trying to figure out what your plan is here. You say you might tell your BH the truth, but you definitely are not going to tell your daughter the truth and yet at the same time you still talk like you want the MM to spend time with her and be part of her life. What are you talking about? Are you planning to bring him into your daughters life under false pretenses and then enlist the help of everyone else to actively keep up whatever lie you are going to tell her? That just sound so very wrong to me. I think if you are not going to tell your daughter the truth then you need to keep the MM away from her.

 

I am very confused, but I feel like I need to tell exH soon. He has started asking questions about J and this has been wearing me down since I found out the results of the test. I don't think I should tell DD now, but I didn't mean I shouldn't tell her EVER. I guess I feel that even if J visits her I shouldn't just spring it on her that this is her "real" dad.

[The Aftermath]

By the way I had to stay late at work and ended up right next to J on the road (and eventually in front of him). As I mentioned before he is only 3 streets down from me. So awkward/mortifying and I wanted to cry when I got home. I would've fallen apart if my aunt wasn't waiting there with my girls.

 

He told me via Hangouts a bit later that he cried the rest of the way home from seeing me and that he had started drinking. He apologized some more for what he did, told me again he was worthless and didn't deserve me. He said his wife wants to try counseling, but that in his opinion it wouldn't work because he was too broken and so was she. He told me if it didn't work that he wouldn't bother me. He said he wants to talk to me, but he can't unless he does the test his W wants to prove DD is his. He told me she asked him to tell her every time he talked to me so he said he was going to go for a drive to clear his head. Of course I told him not to drive off inebriated, but he had left Hangouts by then.

 

How am I supposed to go NC if we eventually have to talk about the paternity test his W is insisting on? And if he wants to see DD? I feel like I go back to Square One every time I talk to him. I want to hate him, but I don't have it in me. I can't even hate the Uncle who abused me (and my brother) as children...I guess it is stupid that once I care and love someone I just can't turn it to hate no matter how poorly they treat me.

[ChickiePops]

I'm not so sure....she had his car keyed when he came to my apartment to talk to me (that day he begged me to give him another chance) and she had some guy call J pretending to be my boyfriend to tell him to leave me alone or else. I was expecting dead animals on my front doorstep, but so far it hasn't happened, thank God.

 

has she physically threatened you?

[sandylee1]

The longer you don't tell your Ex H the worse it will be. Further delay will make you look worse when it all comes out. Plus your inlaws could spill all any day .... take the control back instead of living in fear that others will reveal the truth.

 

It was one thing before you knew the truth for certain (although in your heart you knew), but to continue with this deception...... you could severely damage your relationship with your daughter as a result. She will have this whole thing with her as she grows up.

[malvern99]

By the way I had to stay late at work and ended up right next to J on the road (and eventually in front of him). As I mentioned before he is only 3 streets down from me. So awkward/mortifying and I wanted to cry when I got home. I would've fallen apart if my aunt wasn't waiting there with my girls.

 

He told me via Hangouts a bit later that he cried the rest of the way home from seeing me and that he had started drinking. He apologized some more for what he did, told me again he was worthless and didn't deserve me. He said his wife wants to try counseling, but that in his opinion it wouldn't work because he was too broken and so was she. He told me if it didn't work that he wouldn't bother me. He said he wants to talk to me, but he can't unless he does the test his W wants to prove DD is his. He told me she asked him to tell her every time he talked to me so he said he was going to go for a drive to clear his head. Of course I told him not to drive off inebriated, but he had left Hangouts by then.

 

How am I supposed to go NC if we eventually have to talk about the paternity test his W is insisting on? And if he wants to see DD? I feel like I go back to Square One every time I talk to him. I want to hate him, but I don't have it in me. I can't even hate the Uncle who abused me (and my brother) as children...I guess it is stupid that once I care and love someone I just can't turn it to hate no matter how poorly they treat me.

 

 

I am a little confused about what your end goal is OP. Are you trying cut the MM out your life or are you holding on waiting for him to leave his M for good and come back to you or are you stuck somewhere in the middle? In your eyes, what is the ideal way your entire situation is resolved for all parties involved?

 

You should not torture yourself with concern about what MM is saying or thinking or doing. All of those things sound an awful lot like his problems, not yours. Dare I say, you have enough on your plate as things stand without needing to heap his on.

 

Remember, MM is exactly where he wants to be. Do not doubt that for a second. Pay no mind to what he says... watch his actions. If he wanted to be with you and only you, that is exactly where he would be. IMO, he is a cake eater. He wants to keep you on the side and stay with his wife. Be wary of being manipulated.

 

IMO, you should go 100% no contact with MM until the important issue about paternity is resolved with your exH, and the 2 of you have a plan on how to move forward. That is where you should focus your energy. Bringing MM into the equation just clouds your judgement.

 

Your goal is not to hate MM. Love and hate are essentially the same emotion. If you truly wish to take control of your life again, you should be aiming for indifference. The only way to get there is through NC. Don't get wrapped up in his drama. Sometimes in situations like yours, people can't see the forest for the trees. NC, while initially very difficult gives them the ability to clear their minds and pull back to look at the bigger picture, and therefore that allows them to make better decisions with the fuller information they have.

 

Cross the bridge about NC and how to maintain it if you and your exH decide you want MM in your DD's life when you get there. Do not use it as crutch for further inaction now. In any case, the NC should be your business only, because you and your ex are no longer married, so he has no say in that.

 

I forget and am too lazy to scroll back through the thread, but how long have you and your H been divorced? Has he moved on (remarried, dating) etc? Good luck OP.

[The Aftermath]

has she physically threatened you?

 

As far as I know she hasn't, only had J threatened by someone in those phone calls/voicemails where the person pretended to be my boyfriend.

[The Aftermath]

The longer you don't tell your Ex H the worse it will be. Further delay will make you look worse when it all comes out. Plus your inlaws could spill all any day .... take the control back instead of living in fear that others will reveal the truth.

 

It was one thing before you knew the truth for certain (although in your heart you knew), but to continue with this deception...... you could severely damage your relationship with your daughter as a result. She will have this whole thing with her as she grows up.

 

I struggle with this every day. Yesterday was another bad day for me, as Fridays typically are. I called my aunt so I wasn't tempted to call him and she chastised me again for wanting to tell my exH about J being DD's bio father. She told me that I should just cut J out of our lives and let DD and exH continue to think he is DD's dad. I told her it was the right thing to do..that I really did feel it was the right thing to do to tell exH even if I J is never back in DD's life, but she told me I would just be trying to relieve my own guilt. She said exH already TOLD his brother he prefers not to know and that I am being selfish by taking that away from him (his denial) and that he may feel differently about DD. I am so confused and feel like I keep circling round with this...when I Feel confident I'm ready to tell exH then I start questioning my decision again w/family telling me that me telling him is self-serving.

[The Aftermath]

I am a little confused about what your end goal is OP. Are you trying cut the MM out your life or are you holding on waiting for him to leave his M for good and come back to you or are you stuck somewhere in the middle? In your eyes, what is the ideal way your entire situation is resolved for all parties involved?

 

You should not torture yourself with concern about what MM is saying or thinking or doing. All of those things sound an awful lot like his problems, not yours. Dare I say, you have enough on your plate as things stand without needing to heap his on.

 

Remember, MM is exactly where he wants to be. Do not doubt that for a second. Pay no mind to what he says... watch his actions. If he wanted to be with you and only you, that is exactly where he would be. IMO, he is a cake eater. He wants to keep you on the side and stay with his wife. Be wary of being manipulated.

 

IMO, you should go 100% no contact with MM until the important issue about paternity is resolved with your exH, and the 2 of you have a plan on how to move forward. That is where you should focus your energy. Bringing MM into the equation just clouds your judgement.

 

Your goal is not to hate MM. Love and hate are essentially the same emotion. If you truly wish to take control of your life again, you should be aiming for indifference. The only way to get there is through NC. Don't get wrapped up in his drama. Sometimes in situations like yours, people can't see the forest for the trees. NC, while initially very difficult gives them the ability to clear their minds and pull back to look at the bigger picture, and therefore that allows them to make better decisions with the fuller information they have.

 

Cross the bridge about NC and how to maintain it if you and your exH decide you want MM in your DD's life when you get there. Do not use it as crutch for further inaction now. In any case, the NC should be your business only, because you and your ex are no longer married, so he has no say in that.

 

I forget and am too lazy to scroll back through the thread, but how long have you and your H been divorced? Has he moved on (remarried, dating) etc? Good luck OP.

 

Thank you for your post & I do appreciate everyone's advice regarding DD. I think I am going to stop posting as I came here for support on how to deal with the loss of this man that conned me into believing we had a future together, but the paternity issue has taken center stage. Believe me - it's not that I don't realize the magnitude of my decisions re: DD/J going forward, but I can't make the best decisions about all of that when I am still heartbroken from losing him.

 

You're right in that I am very confused as to how exactly I want to/will proceed re: DD/exH/J. I feel like I need to tell exH despite his own claims he'd prefer to remain in denial. Except for the people on this board I don't have anyone IRL telling me it is the best decision (perhaps this is because my family/inlaws know exH IRL/how emotionally fragile he is/was?). It's hard not to question your choices when everyone is telling you it's the wrong one. As I mentioned in a previous post everyone tells me exH already said he doesn't want to know and that this will only hurt him.

 

To clarify we have been separated for 3 years, but we are not divorced yet...I really don't know what to refer to him as since legally he is still my H, but we have been separated for so long. In my church if I initiated the divorce I would be excommunicated for sure. exH threatened divorce over the years, but he never followed through (as far as I know he hasn't started any papers). After a bad fight he claimed he did & said to expect a knock on my door, but that was almost a year ago? & SIL said he was bluffing and that he "hasn't started sh*t".

 

Forgot to add - Friday at work I wrote on a little sticky note to myself "NC Day 1 - You can do this!" and stuck it on my work laptop. Sounds ridiculous I know, but I figured I was starting NC all over again (my interactions with him only cause me more pain, esp. with him telling me he still loves me but he can't be with me/has to try to fix his family...WTF is that?!) and I needed something to help keep me going. Maybe I will feel a bit stronger watching that pile of post-it notes add up and knowing that I am capable of getting over this man I felt I was destined to be with. Pathetic, I know.

Edited March 12, 2016 by The Aftermath

[The Aftermath]

I posted my story in a previous thread...xMM is also the father of my younger daughter. In short he left his wife back in November and we "officially" were together (after an 8 mo. A), but after feeling pangs of jealousy about his W moving on he felt like he had an epiphany that he "might" still love her. So we broke up about a month ago and since we live less than a mile from each other, we have run into each other on the road a handful of times since then. Whenever it happens I can't help but shake uncontrollably and when I see him drive off I feel like I'm on the verge of having a panic attack. I haven't had one since a few years ago when exH walked out on us...it took IC for me to get through them.

 

So today after seeing him on the road again, I called a friend as soon as I got home and was just crying to her on the phone while parked in front of my apartment. I heard a tap on my window and it was him. He helped me out of the car and I was so ashamed that he was there while I was crying on the phone (over HIM). He told me that he really shouldn't be here, but he had to come over and talk to me after the way he walked out on me (the night we fought and subsequently broke up). He admitted that he had been frequenting a particular store that I go to in the hopes of seeing me and that he always looks for me on the road or when he passes my apartment. He said he has been coming home and trying to drown his sorrows in alcohol and walked over here one day last week in the rain, but we weren't home. I told him it's unfair because he goes to his room and it's a clean slate; I come home and I look around my apartment and ALL I have are memories of him. I can't escape it.

 

He told me today was his first MC session with his wife and that it didn't go well. He told me he still loved me and that he was honest with her and told her as much. I asked him why he was telling me this because I can't do anything with that & if he DID love me he would be with me. He was supposed to see her today since his son has sports after school, but he said he didn't feel like seeing her today. WTF am I doing? He's here, we're talking in front of his car, he's holding my hand, holding ME, calling me 'babe' and telling me he still loves me. And of course I tell him that I can't ever trust him, but some part of me still hopes that he really DID/does love me, that I'm NOT worthless...that he didn't just use me and that maybe he really is confused between wanting the security of a life with her and continuing to take a leap of faith with me.

 

Sorry...I'm just ranting and my thoughts are all over the place now. He really caught me off guard by showing up here and he tells me that she's monitoring his texts/emails/Hangouts, etc, and that he can't talk to me or see me/DD until I do a 2nd paternity test so he can prove to his W that DD is really his. I hate myself for letting him comfort me. I should have spit in his face and told him to leave me alone, but I found myself telling him the letter he wrote me gave me some comfort because it finally sounded like he had some remorse for hurting me. I'm all over the place and really don't know what to do. I told my exH that we need to talk, but he has not talked to me in weeks. He's very upset and doesn't believe I'm not currently dating anyone. DD told him about the bday gift and outing with MM.

Edited March 16, 2016 by The Aftermath

[Popsicle]

Oh, they LOVE it when you cry.

 

More drama.

[The Aftermath]

Oh, they LOVE it when you cry.

 

More drama.

 

I didn't see his car as he had parked further down, but yes, I AM ashamed that I was crying over him when he approached my car and that I admitted to him how much he hurt me.

[Popsicle]

I didn't see his car as he had parked further down, but yes, I AM ashamed that I was crying over him when he approached my car and that I admitted to him how much he hurt me.

 

It's totally humiliating.

[imsosad]

No wonder you feel a mess, this whole situation is whacked snd him showing up...well, i get why you're so upset.

I will.say,though. I think he is trying to make sure he has you as Plan B,in case things don't work out wit his wife.

From everything you wrore, he seems like a man-child, unable to make firm,straightforward decisions and stick with them. He's playing both you and his wife.

Your interaction with him yesterday sounds like massive manipulation. He is creating a coalition with you while in MC with his wife. He wants to have you both available to im.

He is weak. You have to be strong. Dont let him do this to you,take back control of your emotional life.

[The Aftermath]

No wonder you feel a mess, this whole situation is whacked snd him showing up...well, i get why you're so upset.

I will.say,though. I think he is trying to make sure he has you as Plan B,in case things don't work out wit his wife.

From everything you wrore, he seems like a man-child, unable to make firm,straightforward decisions and stick with them. He's playing both you and his wife.

Your interaction with him yesterday sounds like massive manipulation. He is creating a coalition with you while in MC with his wife. He wants to have you both available to im.

He is weak. You have to be strong. Dont let him do this to you,take back control of your emotional life.

 

Appreciate the advice & I'm really trying. I have wanted to text him on several occasions and have been very good about allowing the feeling to pass. He broke NC once (last week (?) when he dropped off the gifts he returned to me) and I broke NC twice (when I replied to him last week & yesterday when there was an emergency with DD and I couldn't reach any of my family to get her). I told him I would not be contacting him again unless I had news that exH knows and that we would proceed with a 2nd paternity test. I actually started a new Post-It note at work today that read "NC Day 1" since I was starting all over again. Like the idiot I am I was proud of my resolve not to break it then THIS happens.

Edited March 16, 2016 by The Aftermath

[whichwayisup]

You have NC under your belt so don't put so much stress on yourself starting back to day 1.

 

How did you leave things with him? Any talk about him not contacting you and to please leave you alone?

I told my exH that we need to talk, but he has not talked to me in weeks. He's very upset and doesn't believe I'm not currently dating anyone. DD told him about the bday gift and outing with MM.

 

You telling him the truth? I'm going back out on that limb, I don't think he's going to be totally shocked to hear that dd isn't his.

[The Aftermath]

You have NC under your belt so don't put so much stress on yourself starting back to day 1.

 

How did you leave things with him? Any talk about him not contacting you and to please leave you alone?

 

You telling him the truth? I'm going back out on that limb, I don't think he's going to be totally shocked to hear that dd isn't his.

 

I do hate myself for breaking NC though...it seems like it should be so easy, but it's not. I HATED that I had no one else to help me with DD's school emergency yesterday except for him. And that opened the door because once we started messaging he asked about the paternity test again so that he could start spending time with our daughter. After all of the things he told me today (and that he can't talk to me until after we do the test) I am starting to wonder if part of the reason he's pushing for the test is to also keep me in his life in some way.

 

Today before he left I told him I've been trying to get exH to talk to me, but he won't respond & he's been avoiding me. He told me his W knows my apartment complex and he was worried she'd be driving by his room to make sure he was there. That freaked me out as I never knew she knew where I lived (I SUSPECTED it when his car got keyed, but he was adamant she wasn't capable).

 

I don't remember what we said in closing as he was stressing about her passing by. I did tell him I wouldn't message him unless exH replied and once he knows. He's been avoiding me (not walking girls to my car when I pick them up from him or walking them to my front door when he drops them). I feel like everything is out of my control and that I was starting to reach a level of acceptance (still feeling all the pain though) and now J has me feeling confused all over again.

[bathtub-row]

It seems that he has a knack for loving the one he's NOT with.

 

I don't know. If he leaves his wife and tries to come back to you, I'd be cautious about letting him back in. He seems to be immature about love and it seems more ego-based than anything. You need to at least teach him that when he breaks your heart, there are consequences for doing that -- namely, he doesn't get to fall right back into your bed without proving himself.

[The Aftermath]

It seems that he has a knack for loving the one he's NOT with.

 

I don't know. If he leaves his wife and tries to come back to you, I'd be cautious about letting him back in. He seems to be immature about love and it seems more ego-based than anything. You need to at least teach him that when he breaks your heart, there are consequences for doing that -- namely, he doesn't get to fall right back into your bed without proving himself.

 

It does seem like that, right? He didn't seem to be interested in seeing his W today and you'd think he'd jump at the chance to since he said he still loved her. And it really wasn't any of my business how their 1st MC went, but he told me anyway. As I mentioned he said if it doesn't work out with them he won't bother me. I told him I'm not worried, because I only need to be told once I will always come second and that he was never mine if his heart never left her.

 

My close friend was saying I shouldn't have given him that 2nd chance last year unless he showed up at my door with divorce papers. I was about to say that would probably be THE only way I could trust him with my heart again, but I've read stories of (mostly) men going back to their spouse even after years of divorce.

 

I am starting to feel like the only man in my life I could ever trust was my exH (to this day he stays away from activities he feels will disrespect me & he's not dated- I think in the hopes we'd get back together, which he hinted at over a week ago)...but unfortunately I am not in love with him and the dynamics of our M will not change. It kills me that my news will break his heart.

Edited March 16, 2016 by The Aftermath

[Sassy Girl]

The drama stops when you decide it does.

[bathtub-row]

Honestly? I think your friend is right, and I also believe that you're setting yourself up for disaster by even entertaining the idea of letting this man back into your life -- for any reason. I'd take the exH over xMM any day of the week. MM is nothing but more heartache waiting to happen. You'd be wise to wake up to the type of man he really is. Being in love does not mean being right.

[anika99]

"I do hate myself for breaking NC though...it seems like it should be so easy, but it's not. I HATED that I had no one else to help me with DD's school emergency yesterday except for him. And that opened the door because once we started messaging he asked about the paternity test again so that he could start spending time with our daughter. After all of the things he told me today (and that he can't talk to me until after we do the test) I am starting to wonder if part of the reason he's pushing for the test is to also keep me in his life in some way."

 

Yes, your daughter has become an excuse to stay involved with each other. I feel like both of you are using your daughter as a pawn to fuel your Romeo and Juliette tragic love affair that you are scripting. You didn't really need the MM is to come to your aid, you just jumped on the opportunity when it presented itself. What is the plan here? Are you going to tell your husband or not? Are you going to do a paternity test again or not? Why are you choosing this drama? Make a plan and then follow through.

[sandylee1]

Being as he's the father of your child total NC isn't going to be possible... unless you have third party drop offs. The sooner the second paternity test is done..... The better. Let the truth be known ...if your ex H keeps avoiding you ....then you need to tell him in writing and what the next steps are in terms of the 2nd pat test and custody / visitation and counselling for your daughter.

 

Maybe his wife will realise she deserves a man who doesn't love another woman.... it all depends on whether he's being totally honest with her... and you won't ever know that.

 

He's clearly giving her hope ....because if he said " I'm in love with Aftermath and want to be with her" ... then any sensible MC would make her see it's over.

[The Aftermath]

Yes, your daughter has become an excuse to stay involved with each other. I feel like both of you are using your daughter as a pawn to fuel your Romeo and Juliette tragic love affair that you are scripting. You didn't really need the MM is to come to your aid, you just jumped on the opportunity when it presented itself. What is the plan here? Are you going to tell your husband or not? Are you going to do a paternity test again or not? Why are you choosing this drama? Make a plan and then follow through.

 

I guess unless you knew me IRL its hard to understand my situation. Without naming exHs occupation I can only say that he has never helped me to pick up (or drop off the kids) because of the nature of his job. He does not have his own transportation so when the school called me & said DD was still there, my aunt had not picked her up yet & was not answering her phone...yes, I did panic and called all of my emergency contacts. My parents both do not work locally but if they answered their phones they might have been able to help me. I do regret relying on him, but it was a last resort. I dont know what I should have done as there was no way I could leave work to get her.

 

I do want to tell exH reg. of letting J into DDs life again, but youre right...I am very scared to commit to a plan because once everything is in motion I cant stop it...cant take anything back. I really do feel like the right thing to do is tell exH the truth, but I am waffling about the 2nd paternity test & letting J see her. As I mentioned I dont have the support of friends and family (they feel I shouls cut him out of BOTH our lives) so i keep 2nd guessing my decisions.

[The Aftermath]

Being as he's the father of your child total NC isn't going to be possible... unless you have third party drop offs. The sooner the second paternity test is done..... The better. Let the truth be known ...if your ex H keeps avoiding you ....then you need to tell him in writing and what the next steps are in terms of the 2nd pat test and custody / visitation and counselling for your daughter.

 

Maybe his wife will realise she deserves a man who doesn't love another woman.... it all depends on whether he's being totally honest with her... and you won't ever know that.

 

He's clearly giving her hope ....because if he said " I'm in love with Aftermath and want to be with her" ... then any sensible MC would make her see it's over.

 

I was going to try to send him another text today asking him to please talk to me. Maybe if I explain its re: J he will answer me?

 

Re: what J told his W...I didnt ask if he told her he still loved me during the MC session or just some other time. He just said it didnt go well and that he told her. I told him there was no point in telling me though because the bottom line is hes trying to fix sh*t with her so really...why say anything?!