He showed up at my apartment today and now I'm a mess

[whichwayisup]

Does his wife know about the baby?

[The Aftermath]

Hi,

 

We all make some horrible choices in life and then are left to deal with the consequences. I have read over your entire first post and the whole thread up to this point. I think you have been given some excellent advice and it is great to be part of a community of people worldwide that really want to reach out to help others and to give support even during the darkest, toughest times.

 

Of course you are hurting but it is very mature of you to be taking responsibility for the wrong choices you made. It is so much easier to see things clearer after it is done, you are no longer living in the middle of it and your emotions are not driving your decisions.

 

I think you described the situation of J and his wife very well. Since he comes from an abusive background, he is more likely to allow a wife to be abusive to him. Until he gets healing from his childhood he is going to think he deserves it. He was reaching out to you because he was wanting to feel love and alive but of course you were not what he needed. He needed healing and to deal with the troubles of his own marriage, just like you did when he was pursing you.

 

I agree that the best thing that you can do now is to focus on your child and your own emotional healing. You need to be very careful with custody because while you want your dd to have her father in her life you must realize that with him comes his wife. You might want to look into supervised visits. You should talk with someone about legal advice for your daughter.

 

As far as running into him on your path to work, etc. you might need to find a new way to work and even look for a new place to move to start over again in a positive strong way for you and your dd.

 

I would also recommend that you get some personal counseling that could be weekly for a while to work on issues that come up as you move forward. You need to forgive yourself and J. You both made bad choices. You probably also need to deal with unresolved issues with your husband. Once you do this you of course will need to have to take time to figure out your own life and what you really want to pursue and to make the best homelife you can.

 

I am glad you have a supportive family.

 

Healingsoul -

 

Thank you for your response and for not passing judgment on me. No one truly understands how difficult my life has been and that I am NOT a bad person even if I have made some bad choices in the past. I do know now that while my H was responsible for part of our marriage he was not responsible for my choice to cheat. I was just so overwhelmed with him not working, not being affectionate, not helping with the kids and in general just not doing ANYTHING at all with his life that I eventually lost respect and love for him.

 

With regards to J & his wife's abusive behavior - I actually told J early on that it seems like he jumped from 1 abusive relationship to another. He rationalized his W's behavior of course and told me "Just because she's done some things I didn't like doesn't mean she's a bad person". I really do think it's sad that he thinks so poorly of himself. He told me REPEATEDLY throughout our A/relationship in the past year that he does not feel like he deserved me. He's got a temper and unfortunately is very immature. When we first started having fights about his W not backing off and leaving us alone he would get frustrated and throw things around my apartment. I told him he will not disrespect me or my things and that adults TALK about their problems & don't throw temper tantrums. He told me he felt like he was becoming a better person when he was with me because he did start making small changes that showed he was at least TRYING to manage his anger issues, but he blew things with me so ...

 

I am still very much conflicted about how to handle everything, but I am still hoping and praying I make the right choice for DD and everyone involved.

[The Aftermath]

Does his wife know about the baby?

 

J told his wife about our daughter the same night he admitted the A (the night she called me to check if the phone number belonged to a woman). I'm guessing when he said he was going to leave her she finally thought to check his phone records and saw the thousands of texts and several calls to me.

[The Aftermath]

I guess my questions are more logistical...

 

Have you ever had your daughters paternity tested? And are you collecting child support from your exH for her? If the wife knows she is his daughter and really wants to make trouble for you, what's stopping her from telling your ex? And what's to stop your daughter down the track? How old is she? Surely two fathers will be confusing.

 

Probably better coming from you don't you think?

 

Sassy Girl - I suspected J was DD's father when I first became pregnant with her, but I only recently did the paternity test. When I collected the sample from J he told me "I already KNOW she's my daughter". He said he saw the resemblance in the pictures I showed him. J knows my H's name, but he and his W don't know where my H lives. I think right now she doesn't care about "outing" me because J already told her it was my plan to break it to my H anyway...I think right now all she cares about is that she "has" J.

 

I only recently decided to do the paternity test last year after confiding in a close friend about my relationship with J. She asked me how I could deal with not knowing & I told her that I have wondered since DD was born 8 years ago. She urged me to take the test and so I ordered one of those at-home paternity tests. I was shaking when I logged in to read the results, but the paperwork only confirmed what I felt in my heart all along - that she was J's.

[malvern99]

J told his wife about our daughter the same night he admitted the A (the night she called me to check if the phone number belonged to a woman). I'm guessing when he said he was going to leave her she finally thought to check his phone records and saw the thousands of texts and several calls to me.

 

So literally everyone involved knows except your exH? Do you plan on ever telling him? Has J taken any financial responsibility for his 8 year old daughter? Has he taken any steps to be legally recognized as her father or is he OK with letting your exH pick up the slack (that is if he is paying child support)? Does your DD know? How involved is your exH with your children? Good luck OP.

[The Aftermath]

So literally everyone involved knows except your exH? Do you plan on ever telling him? Has J taken any financial responsibility for his 8 year old daughter? Has he taken any steps to be legally recognized as her father or is he OK with letting your exH pick up the slack (that is if he is paying child support)? Does your DD know? How involved is your exH with your children? Good luck OP.

 

I was planning on telling my exH after DD's birthday. I planned to tell him, but both my family & his few family members who know (long story) have been stressing me out recently telling me that they don't think he can handle it. When we separated years ago he lost a lot of weight that month...I think he may have been suffering from depression?

 

The last time J and I spoke (about a week ago?) he DID ask me if I need any help. I am still disgusted with him and told him that right now I did NOT want anything to do with him. I told him that doesn't mean I wouldn't talk to him later about supporting his daughter financially now that he knows she's his.

 

Our plan was to let J spend some time with her as my "friend" and somewhere down the line we would both break the news to her. I was planning to consult a child psychologist about when/how to do this...she has only known my H as her dad. As far as how involved my H is with our children? Everyone who knows him tells me "Those kids are his life".

[malvern99]

Thanks for the response. I sincerely wish you luck, and hope that any decision you make is in the best interests of your DD. Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

As far as how involved my H is with our children? Everyone who knows him tells me "Those kids are his life".

 

But do those people know that the child isn't his? It's easy for them to say that and assume...but he IS going to feel betrayed, angry and very upset that you led him to believe that your daughter was his, when in fact she wasn't. It's not going to be easy at all on him now having to share her (if he chooses to still be involved) with her real father.

 

I do hope all of you go to family counseling.

[The Aftermath]

Thanks for the response. I sincerely wish you luck, and hope that any decision you make is in the best interests of your DD. Good luck.

 

Thank you for your well wishes. I really do hope that we will all be okay at the end of this.

 

But do those people know that the child isn't his? It's easy for them to say that and assume...but he IS going to feel betrayed, angry and very upset that you led him to believe that your daughter was his, when in fact she wasn't. It's not going to be easy at all on him now having to share her (if he chooses to still be involved) with her real father.

 

I do hope all of you go to family counseling.

 

H's family members do NOT know that DD isn't his (with the exception of his brother and my SIL). What happened is that SIL and I became best friends over the years and I confided in her last year when I got the results of the paternity test. I thought I could trust her as she was the ONE person who was there for me during the years my marriage was failing. I guess my trust was again misplaced as she admitted to me last week that she broke her promise and told her hubby (H's brother). Even H's brother told her that he wished she didn't tell him & he asked her to tell me to NEVER tell his brother he isn't DD's father. H is a good man and while I do feel he would be heartbroken I hope that he would not shun DD...I know he loves her.

 

I don't know if J still plans to be in DD's life; I haven't heard him since I went off on him via text last week. I know it will be hard if J DOES want to be a part of DD's life and H will end up having to share her. I have been stressing about how H will handle this ever since I got the paternity test results.

[13Hearts]

How on earth you can even entertain the idea of allowing this "man" into your DD's life, much less tell DD he's her father, is beyond me. He is a very confused person who is like an empty boat on the sea, going this way and that, wherever the next wave takes him. This guy is no father! Why do you continue to expect him to be something he so clearly is not?

 

If he wants rights to his biological daughter, let him prove how important it is to him before letting him anywhere near her. I wouldn't make it easy on him or give him access to DD. Look at how he treats you, and how much he has complicated and confused your life and how difficult it is for YOU - and you're an adult! Imagine what having a daddy like that would be like for DD.

 

Do you really want him taking your little girl home on weekends with his wife?? The fact that she is physically abusive would be enough for me to keep him as far away from DD as possible.

 

The sad truth of it all is he is not a grown-up. And someone in this mess needs to be! He is not going to magically turn into one, even if his wife kicked him out and never saw him again. YOU have to be the one to finally ACCEPT what he really is, take off the rose-colored glasses, and refuse to be his yo-yo any longer. For the sake of the child!

 

When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE them!

[The Aftermath]

How on earth you can even entertain the idea of allowing this "man" into your DD's life, much less tell DD he's her father, is beyond me. He is a very confused person who is like an empty boat on the sea, going this way and that, wherever the next wave takes him. This guy is no father! Why do you continue to expect him to be something he so clearly is not?

 

If he wants rights to his biological daughter, let him prove how important it is to him before letting him anywhere near her. I wouldn't make it easy on him or give him access to DD. Look at how he treats you, and how much he has complicated and confused your life and how difficult it is for YOU - and you're an adult! Imagine what having a daddy like that would be like for DD.

 

Do you really want him taking your little girl home on weekends with his wife?? The fact that she is physically abusive would be enough for me to keep him as far away from DD as possible.

 

The sad truth of it all is he is not a grown-up. And someone in this mess needs to be! He is not going to magically turn into one, even if his wife kicked him out and never saw him again. YOU have to be the one to finally ACCEPT what he really is, take off the rose-colored glasses, and refuse to be his yo-yo any longer. For the sake of the child!

 

When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE them!

 

I am not sure if I stated this in any of my previous posts, but this is my concern as well since he has proven he is immature, confused and irresponsible, but at the same time I worry that DD will hate me years from now if I make the choice for her and cut him out of her life. I am still considering IF I will let him back into her life and I agree AND I have told him as much - that he's going to have to do some legwork to prove he will be a permanent fixture / deserves to be in her life.

 

I already told J that DD will NOT be going over to his W's house - not just because his W is abusive to him, but also because she blames ME and not J at all for what happened...I already told him there's no chance in hell I will leave my daughter in that woman's company. I did tell J IF I decide he can see her again it will be on MY terms...I told him he's crazy if he thinks I will let him take DD out just the 2 of them when she doesn't even know he's her real dad yet & they've only spent a total of 2 days together.

Edited March 2, 2016 by The Aftermath

[ChickiePops]

So..you're going to ask your daughter to lie to your husband and let him think he's her father while she goes to see her biological father on weekends? Or are you going to lie to your daughter and say that her biological father is..what..her uncle..while you continue to lie to your husband?

 

You've created quite a terrible mess here. What are you doing to fix it?

 

Also how do you know MMs wife is actually abusive? Have you seen it for yourself or are you going by what he is telling you?

[sandylee1]

Far from J leaving you to go back to his wife .... I'd have thought the whole paternity issue was much more important.

You are basically playing god with your daughter, your Ex H and J.

None of them knew the truth and to expect your SIL to keep that to herself was somewhat naive.

 

I'm just thinking this through...so one brother knows that his brother is not the father of his daughter. Think of the damage you could well do to that brotherly relationship.

 

If one of my brothers knew this about the other and said nothing.... our whole family would be severely affected.

 

You put your SIL in a bad situation.. because if she never told her hubby.....your BIL and he later found out she knew... that could ruin their marriage too.

 

Forget a relationship and focus on this whole paternity mess.

[Sassy Girl]

so youve been asked at least twice and not answered directly, so I'll assume you are collecting child support from your XH for a child that it not his... Is this correct?

[Sassy Girl]

Thank you for your well wishes. I really do hope that we will all be okay at the end of this.

 

 

 

H's family members do NOT know that DD isn't his (with the exception of his brother and my SIL). What happened is that SIL and I became best friends over the years and I confided in her last year when I got the results of the paternity test. I thought I could trust her as she was the ONE person who was there for me during the years my marriage was failing. I guess my trust was again misplaced as she admitted to me last week that she broke her promise and told her hubby (H's brother). Even H's brother told her that he wished she didn't tell him & he asked her to tell me to NEVER tell his brother he isn't DD's father. H is a good man and while I do feel he would be heartbroken I hope that he would not shun DD...I know he loves her.

 

I don't know if J still plans to be in DD's life; I haven't heard him since I went off on him via text last week. I know it will be hard if J DOES want to be a part of DD's life and H will end up having to share her. I have been stressing about how H will handle this ever since I got the paternity test results.

Don't ask a friend to keep a secret from her spouse. People in healthy relationships don't keep secrets from their spouses. Forget a promise she broke... You asked too much of her when you burdened her with your secrets

[Ms. Faust]

so youve been asked at least twice and not answered directly, so I'll assume you are collecting child support from your XH for a child that it not his... Is this correct?

 

Yeah, I'm curious, who is paying the child support?

[The Aftermath]

I wasn't ignoring any replies, just went to bed early. I haven't been getting much due to waking up in the middle of the night with this empty feeling & it still hasn't gone away. Going to try to answer some of these questions before I head to work.

 

First of all, I didn't come here to be berated for my past choices. I do understand that I should have had the strength back then to leave a bad marriage; I didn't. I did the cowardly thing and I ran away and had the A. I can't change the past.

 

I did have plans to tell H about J. It was supposed to happen the weekend after DD's birthday, but then all of this took place. I wasn't sure if J was DD's father until a few months ago & J did understand that once we told my exH he would be the one to start paying CS for our daughter. J's wife is insisting on her own paternity test before she "allows" him to see our daughter & I am guessing she won't let him support DD financially either until she has her own proof she's J's.

 

Regarding SIL - she knew I took the test as it was only SIL & our mutual friend (the friend who encouraged me to do the test). I asked SIL beforehand if she really wanted to know because I KNEW it would be a burden on her. I even stated that to her. Keep in mind this is the SIL I felt was truly a sister to me and she had betrayed me once in the past and she BEGGED me to keep her in my life and not end our friendship. She assured me she would never betray my trust again and she knew the magnitude of this secret. I guess I was wrong for thinking people can change and giving her the benefit of a doubt; I know that now.

 

For now DD assumes J is a family friend. Of course if she continues to see J I will have to tell exH who J is immediately, even if we don't tell DD that J is her father until she is older. I haven't contacted J about all of this yet and he hasn't contacted me since the last time I replied to him and bit his head off. I don't know if he will pursue a relationship with her and if he does, I still am not sure if I can trust him with her again.

[BarryJohnny]

That sound all very complicated. I just wish the best for you and hope everything will be fine for you

 

Greetz

[Ms. Faust]

If you're saying that you are knowingly allowing your ex husband to pay child support for a child that is not his your poor choices extend beyond your affair and not leaving the marriage. Not berating you, just stating a fact and I don't think many would disagree.

 

The sad thing is that in most states the courts would look more favorably on you for your ex to continue to pay CS for a baby that is not his. Status quo and a relationship has been established. I truly believe that this type of situation is why there should be reformation of child support laws in regards to men.*

 

*Speaking about U.S. laws.

[The Aftermath]

That sound all very complicated. I just wish the best for you and hope everything will be fine for you

 

Greetz

 

Thank you! I appreciate it

 

If you're saying that you are knowingly allowing your ex husband to pay child support for a child that is not his your poor choices extend beyond your affair and not leaving the marriage. Not berating you, just stating a fact and I don't think many would disagree.

 

The sad thing is that in most states the courts would look more favorably on you for your ex to continue to pay CS for a baby that is not his. Status quo and a relationship has been established. I truly believe that this type of situation is why there should be reformation of child support laws in regards to men.*

 

*Speaking about U.S. laws.

 

Believe me that is also something I have been thinking about & I have been wanting to reveal to H that I did the paternity test/the results since I found out a few months ago. I wanted him to have one last Xmas thinking he was her real dad, but then after New Year's I lost my nerve. I just kept wanting to tell him whenever I saw him and then I would chicken out. This was why I gave myself DD's birthday as my personal deadline to reveal my secret and then all of this happened.

 

I still feel that I should tell exH; SIL/BIL and all my family and friends who know me and exH keep telling me I am making the wrong choice by telling him DD isn't his because they say he cannot handle it and he will have a breakdown. They want me to keep J away from DD and they say even if they have to help me with child support not to ask J for anything and they've all asked me never to tell exH he isn't DD's real dad. I really don't know what to do and feel like I am just waking up, going to work and trying to get through each day. Still reeling from what J did and I have all of these choices to make and what I feel I need to do everyone is advising against.

[anika99]

This is complicated and I actually feel kind of bad for you OP. Why did you even do the paternity test if you didn't want to tell anyone? Why did you even tell the MM that he was the father? I think it's because while you were caught up in the selfishness of your affair you were thinking only of yourself and getting what you wanted. At that time you didn't care about how much this news was going to hurt your ex and your daughter but now that you know you're not going to walk off into the sunset with the MM you're just now starting to think of how this is going to affect your daughter and your ex.

 

I really think you have to tell your ex. It's just wrong to let him continue to pay support for a child that isn't his all while you know the truth. I mean what is the alternative? The longer this goes on the worse it's going to be when he finds out and now that so many people know I'm not sure you can deceive him forever.

[whichwayisup]

You have to tell your exH as soon as possible, the longer you wait, the harder it will be and the last thing you want is for him to find out from someone else! NO more excuses. He is a grown man, an adult and of course he's going to be upset, feel betrayed, maybe even hate you too for lying to him for so long but it's better to come clean about it all than keep it a secret in fear of his reaction.

[healingsoul]

I have read through this entire thread. And I must tell you that I do feel for you because I have a pit in my stomach just reading it.

 

There are a lot of things I wish could have happened differently or that didn't happen in your life --as you also wish--but the fact is reality must be faced, and it is not pretty or easy.

 

In your case, it will be agonizing for many people. And while telling the truth and making the situation right is positively the BEST course of action, you really need both family counseling help and legal advice before you start because once all the emotions get going it is going to be even more complicated.

 

The highest priority is your DD. She needs to be safe, and taken care of. She is still very young and all of this information is probably more than she can handle and honestly she is going to be hurt whenever she finds out. The timing is very important. Her mental and emotional health needs to be taken into consideration, as well as her maturity (her age).

 

Simply because J is her bio father does not mean that it is a good idea for him to have any visitation rights, especially since he comes from abuse and is in an abusive marriage currently. (This is one of my wishes--I wish he would have NEVER been told.) And honestly I would stop contacting him and pray that he NEVER contacts me again. Having this man in your dd life regardless of the affair you had and the paternity test, I am not sure is in the best interest of your dd. EVERY decision you make here has to be about her.

 

Of course, I also wish you never did the paternity test and just continued on life knowing your own sin but not confirming it by the test and thereby, overcomplicating your DD's life. It would never have hurt her to not know J was her father, since she already has a great F in your exH. And since your exH is such a great F pursing all of this was such a non-issue and but now you have to decide the best course of action. Therefore I highly recommending that you get family and legal counseling before you do anything. Before you talk to anyone else about this or even continue to talk to people about it.

 

Truth of course is always the best policy in life but somethings are better unsaid. You may discover in family and legal counseling that it is best that you don't go any further with this information. I do not know.

 

From personal experience mb has a dd that he thinks is not his and he has not done paternity test on her because if he did it would not only devastate him but her if it turned out that he was not.

 

Do you have resources of someone you could contact?

[stillafool]

minimariah -

 

I reposted in the OW forum you suggested. I hope this is okay.

 

At this point I am trying to stay away from him. Last time we spoke he DID ask if I needed anything, but to me it just felt insulting for him to ask NOW. If he does not ask to see his daughter then maybe he doesn't deserve to see her.

 

I guess I'm feeling like I shouldn't have to ASK him to see his daughter; knowing how much he loves his kids I would think he would be contacting me to maintain his relationship with her. I guess only time will tell if he ends up disappearing from her life altogether. I haven't considered taking him to court...I am still scared about how my ex-H will take it if/when I reveal to him that he's not DD's real father.

 

I'm noticing that a lot of these fathers want to see their kids but don't want to interact with the mother. Maybe your daughter could visit with her father through a trusted friend or relative so that you will not have to be present.

[The Aftermath]

Just got home from work and going to try to answer all of these questions.

 

This is complicated and I actually feel kind of bad for you OP. Why did you even do the paternity test if you didn't want to tell anyone? Why did you even tell the MM that he was the father?...

 

J already planned to be in DD's life & support her financially BEFORE I decided to do the test. He had actually wanted to spend time with DD before the test took place. Remember- when I had him do the buccal swab he told me "I already KNOW she's my daughter". I decided to do the paternity test on the advice of a friend because I confided in her that I've been wondering for the past 8 years if DD was J's. It has been sitting in the back of my mind since she was a baby when friends and family would comment on how different my girls looked...or when DD was first born and they did the typical comparison with how H & I look ("oh she's got your eyes, his nose", etc).

 

Basically, it was for MY OWN peace of mind. I didn't plan to tell anyone, even the friend who suggested the test..but when I got the email the results were in I was just shaking and so nervous that I contact friend & SIL that morning. I couldn't open the results and when I did read the results I was crying because I knew what that meant for all of us. Also, I really do think that if it was ME - I would want to know (eventually) who my real father was.

 

You have to tell your exH as soon as possible, the longer you wait, the harder it will be and the last thing you want is for him to find out from someone else! NO more excuses. He is a grown man, an adult and of course he's going to be upset, feel betrayed, maybe even hate you too for lying to him for so long but it's better to come clean about it all than keep it a secret in fear of his reaction.

 

This is what I feel as well and it's not the anger I am worried about or even him pulling his financial support (as my family already said to leave J alone & they will help me with CS). As I mentioned previously when exH left me a few years ago he lost a lot of weight quickly & I think he was depressed/borderline suicidal. BIL/SIL, my family and I are all concerned that he might completely lose it at this news.

 

SIL told me that years ago my exH, BIL and SIL were sitting around watching one of those paternity shows. BIL asked my exH randomly "What if ____ wasn't yours? I mean, you don't know how far the A went". exH then said that he wouldn't want to know.

 

I have read through this entire thread. And I must tell you that I do feel for you because I have a pit in my stomach just reading it...

 

Simply because J is her bio father does not mean that it is a good idea for him to have any visitation rights, especially since he comes from abuse and is in an abusive marriage currently. (This is one of my wishes--I wish he would have NEVER been told.) And honestly I would stop contacting him and pray that he NEVER contacts me again. Having this man in your dd life regardless of the affair you had and the paternity test, I am not sure is in the best interest of your dd. EVERY decision you make here has to be about her.

 

...

 

Thank you for your kind words and for your empathy. I do want to make the best decision for everyone involved and I don't like the position I am, but I can't change what happened 8 years ago. I am trying to deal with my loss as well as making the best choice for everyone going forward.

 

J knew I did the test since I had to swab him, but even if I never went through with the paternity test he still would have pushed to see his daughter. He even went as far as to tell me he wanted to change DD's last name on her birth certificate because it wasn't right.

 

I haven't contacted J since the last convo we had (about a week ago). He hasn't contacted me either. I don't know if he plans to because he feels like I hate him for hurting my DD & he can't handle hearing how disappointed I am that he is considering dropping off the face of the earth just because his W said so. I really don't know if he will decide to contact me again, but he does still have some of my things. I am trying to avoid contacting him.

 

I'm noticing that a lot of these fathers want to see their kids but don't want to interact with the mother. Maybe your daughter could visit with her father through a trusted friend or relative so that you will not have to be present.

 

While J's W doesn't want him to see me & he CLAIMS he wants to respect her wishes he just asked me last week if he could come over to talk to DD or if he could drop off my things. I asked him if this was okay since I would be here and he said it was fine. In any case I told him no, said I had plans and he said "maybe next time". Then we had that argument via text and J hasn't contacted me since to talk about DD. He knows without a doubt I will NOT allow DD to go to his W's house if he ends up moving back in with her. I don't trust that woman with her since she can't even treat her H with respect...I can only imagine the pain she'd want to inflict on my daughter.

Edited March 3, 2016 by The Aftermath