He showed up at my apartment today and now I'm a mess

[Sassy Girl]

I mentioned several times that I planned to tell exH. I'm not sure why you feel I'm playing God with everyone's life. I only found out recently that DD wasn't exH's and since then I have been stressing about if/how/when to tell him and her. I was taking steps to do that and was going to tell at least H right after DD's birthday when everyone started making me second-guess that decision. While I don't think I would tell DD at this age I do think she should know eventually. Again, everyone has advised me this is the wrong decision. J did offer his help, but at this point I am just trying not to contact him & he hasn't contacted me since the last time he texted.

 

You answered me directly so I'll respond.

 

 

You only found out OFFICIALLY recently that MM as the father but you were close to certain as soon as you conceived. So yes, you've deceived him for 9 years now knowing there was a significant chance. That's playing god. Deciding for others what they need to know. You could have addressed this when you were pregnant but you chose a different path.

 

Who is "everyone". Forget that. 'Everyone' has their own agenda. Listen to a GOOD child therapist... Because that should be the priority. She didn't choose this messed up situation. The longer you wait to tell her the More betrayed she will feel - by YOU.

 

Stop making excuses.

[anika99]

The right time to tell is a really a tough one. My son wasn't told until he was 10 and he did take it hard for a little while. In the end he had no interest in meeting or knowing anything about the biological father and he still doesn't. But I remember thinking back then that I wished I hadn't even waited until he was 10. I wished I had introduced the topic to him in age appropriate ways from the time he was a toddler so that he would have just grown up knowing the truth. That way he would have never been shocked or hurt, the truth would have just always been a part of his life.

 

Other people in my life knew and I didn't want him finding out as a teenager. I knew that would be a really difficult time for him to cope with that kind of information. Yet I didn't want to wait for him to grow up and then have him feel like I deceived him for his whole life. So I just bit the bullet and did it. It was hard but he was okay and he's turned out fine. He considers my ex to be his father.

[minimariah]

...but then I really don't think there will EVER be a good time for this news...

 

this.

 

when we're waiting for the right moment -- we're usually just delaying and delay is the deadliest form of denial. that being said... tell her when you see she's ready and when you see she's grown enough to understand the situation. i don't think you can avoid her being upset or confused, no matter when you tell her -- BUT that will pass and she will move on.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I just want to add to the advice that you should consult a professional before telling your daughter. We have custody of a child whose mom decided to tell her that at about the age of your daughter. I can't tell you how many issues it caused. Issues with trust, love, attachment, belonging. AND in her case it turned out not to be true, which DIDN'T change a thing for the child. The damage had been done. Then during the parents divorce it was mentioned and the judge went berserk. She lost custody. Total custody. Judge didn't care if the child ever saw her mother again because she was irresponsible and didn't have the best interest of the child. It's a big deal. Your daughter will be an adult before she realizes how you chose this for your own benefit. It really is and issue that will be around for s lifetime. Handle it well. Children should be able to trust parents to have their back. PLEASE seek professional assistance when dealing with this. Even as an adult, I'd kill someone who chose to let me believe someone was my child only to then decide to tell me it belonged to someone else. Can't even imagine.

[ChickiePops]

There were several responses & I can't keep track of who said what, sorry. So do you feel that I should cut him out of her life and never tell DD? I feel like even if I don't allow J to visit (haven't decided yet what to do about this) that I should still tell DD at some point.

 

Also (NOT addressed to you, ChickiePops) - I'm not sure why people keep stating that I was in some fantasy world like I'm some ignorant twit when I was involved with J. Things did not feel the same for me this time around as they did when I was cheating on my H. This time I did not feel like I was cheating on anyone since H & I were separated for years (but yes, I do admit that I enabled J in HIS cheating on his W). I was actually pretty realistic in what was to come after J made his decision to leave (and as I mentioned I had already advised him NOT to "just" for me because I did NOT want that on my shoulders). I told him to make sure his main reasons were that his marriage was beyond repair. We both braced ourselves for the fallout. It started with my friends who didn't agree turning their backs on me, J's family turning their backs on him, then J started to tell his mutual friends. J had already moved out, had a plan in place for custody, was applying for his own apartment so he could then have his kids 50% of the time once he had his own place, etc. He told me HE even surprised himself at finally taking action after being a coward for years. THIS is why I posted about being confused about his sudden change of heart just because he didn't understand the twinge of jealousy he felt at the thought of someone taking over his family, when he didn't give a sh*t about his W at all before (he always felt guilty about the kids though from day one).

 

I think it's incredibly unfair and dangerous to tell MM that she's his daughter and then not allow him to see her. Unfair because that is his child too, and dangerous because he now has a piece of explosive information that he can hold over your head until you decide to tell your ex and daughter.

 

It's also unfair that you told MM and not your ex and your daughter.

 

Seriously, who cares what MM is doing? Worry about your daughter right now.

 

Also I agree with the poster above that you should bring in a professional to help tell your daughter. She will definitely need someone to talk to about all of this, and so will your ex.

[stillafool]

You cannot not speak to the biological father of your child. For once, put your daughter first and air all of this out.

 

She could use a 3rd party for communication but I doubt she wants to.

[anika99]

I just want to add to the advice that you should consult a professional before telling your daughter. We have custody of a child whose mom decided to tell her that at about the age of your daughter. I can't tell you how many issues it caused. Issues with trust, love, attachment, belonging. AND in her case it turned out not to be true, which DIDN'T change a thing for the child. The damage had been done. Then during the parents divorce it was mentioned and the judge went berserk. She lost custody. Total custody. Judge didn't care if the child ever saw her mother again because she was irresponsible and didn't have the best interest of the child. It's a big deal. Your daughter will be an adult before she realizes how you chose this for your own benefit. It really is and issue that will be around for s lifetime. Handle it well. Children should be able to trust parents to have their back. PLEASE seek professional assistance when dealing with this. Even as an adult, I'd kill someone who chose to let me believe someone was my child only to then decide to tell me it belonged to someone else. Can't even imagine.

 

I feel like a mother who would tell a child that her father isn't her father when it's not even true is a woman with some ugly issues and that those issues overall probably contribute to the child's lack trust and security. That mother didn't upset that child's life with the truth, she did it with a lie and for what purpose? To hurt her ex? To take her kid away from her dad? That's just so ugly and while I get what you're saying it isn't exactly comparable with a mom telling their child the same news but with love and openness and honesty in her heart. However your suggestion for the OP to consult a professional first is an excellent idea! I wish I had done so.

[malvern99]

Hi OP. I know it probably feels like people are ganging up on you. However, I think you should look at it as people interpreting your current situation from the information you gave from different points of view. People do it not to berate you, but to help you. Why else would they spend their time writing responses? Ultimately, you should only take what you find helpful, and leave the rest.

 

I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions about you messing with J's wife for 8 years. I just assumed that even though you may have pumped the brakes on the physical relationship, you were still somehow emotionally invested in him and or were communicating with him. That was my mistake.

 

If you truly believe J's wife is capable of abusing your DD, then you should not even entertain the idea of allowing her into your DD's life. Therein lies the problem though. If J wants to take a more active role in DD's life (things like visitation etc), can he do that without his wife's involvement? I would think that if J gets back with his wife, they would come as a package deal.

 

I am conflicted about telling your DD the truth at such a young age. This really is a complex situation, and I would not even know where to start explaining the difference between her dad and her bio father. Maybe you could look for some guidance from a children's counselor on how to handle this situation. I still firmly believe your exH has to know though. I am not sure anybody has the right to withhold such important information from someone else. Your exH is an adult capable of making his own decisions. Others said you and members of his family who know are playing God because you are unilaterally making the decision for him that he is better off not knowing as if he were a child incapable of making decisions for himself.

 

How long have you and your ex been divorced? Your story about your exH trying to get back with you highlighted the difference between you and J. You were truly unhappy in your M, and when given the option of going back to it, you turned it down for good reason. Your H had not changed, and the dynamics would have remained the same. If J had been as unhappy as he claims to be, would that truth not be the same for him? Could his wife have changed enough in a matter of months to change the dynamics of their marriage? I doubt it.

 

From the outside looking in, it seems to me that J left his wife because he thought the grass was greener on the other side of the fence, yet when he moved to that side of the fence, he changed his mind and hopped back over it. For the sake of your sanity, I would urge you to cut ties with J as much as possible. I will go out on a limb here and assume his presence in your life is a net negative force. He is no good for you, and you deserve someone who wants to be with you and only you. Good luck OP.

Edited March 4, 2016 by malvern99
words

[malvern99]

I do have a question though as many posters have said I should NOT have told J the results of the test. I had to get the buccal swab from him so he knows the test was done...I'm wondering if everyone means I should I have told him that the results will be only for ME to know since it was irrelevant to him anyway (he said he knew she was his)?

 

I can't speak for anyone else, but from my perspective I think you went about the situation backwards. You absolutely had to know who the bio father is for medical purposes, and you should have brought this up and discussed it with your exH as he has an actual stake in the raising of DD. You and your exH should have taken the test, not you and J. Once the results came in, you and exH should have discussed the best path forward with DD's best interests at heart. The last person to find out should have been J, not exH. You and exH should be united in whatever course of action you decide to take, not you and the man who has been in DD's life for the past 15 seconds. You are no longer married to exH and owe him nothing, but when it comes to his children, I think his opinion should play a prominent role in whatever decisions you make about raising them.

[ChickiePops]

Hi OP. I know it probably feels like people are ganging up on you. However, I think you should look at it as people interpreting your current situation from the information you gave from different points of view. People do it not to berate you, but to help you. Why else would they spend their time writing responses? Ultimately, you should only take what you find helpful, and leave the rest.

 

I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions about you messing with J's wife for 8 years. I just assumed that even though you may have pumped the brakes on the physical relationship, you were still somehow emotionally invested in him and or were communicating with him. That was my mistake.

 

If you truly believe J's wife is capable of abusing your DD, then you should not even entertain the idea of allowing her into your DD's life. Therein lies the problem though. If J wants to take a more active role in DD's life (things like visitation etc), can he do that without his wife's involvement? I would think that if J gets back with his wife, they would come as a package deal.

 

I am conflicted about telling your DD the truth at such a young age. This really is a complex situation, and I would not even know where to start explaining the difference between her dad and her bio father. Maybe you could look for some guidance from a children's counselor on how to handle this situation. I still firmly believe your exH has to know though. I am not sure anybody has the right to withhold such important information from someone else. Your exH is an adult capable of making his own decisions. Others said you and members of his family who know are playing God because you are unilaterally making the decision for him that he is better off not knowing as if he were a child incapable of making decisions for himself.

 

How long have you and your ex been divorced? Your story about your exH trying to get back with you highlighted the difference between you and J. You were truly unhappy in your M, and when given the option of going back to it, you turned it down for good reason. Your H had not changed, and the dynamics would have remained the same. If J had been as unhappy as he claims to be, would that truth not be the same for him? Could his wife have changed enough in a matter of months to change the dynamics of their marriage? I doubt it.

 

From the outside looking in, it seems to me that J left his wife because he thought the grass was greener on the other side of the fence, yet when he moved to that side of the fence, he changed his mind and hopped back over it. For the sake of your sanity, I would urge you to cut ties with J as much as possible. I will go out on a limb here and assume his presence in your life is a net negative force. He is no good for you, and you deserve someone who wants to be with you and only you. Good luck OP.

 

I agree with most of this, except that OP already gave all her power to MM when she requested the swab. He now possesses a piece of information that will blow her daughter out of the water. Knowledge is power. MM has all of it and he can do whatever he wants with it.

[ladydesigner]

OP your daughter should know who her real father is and she will most likely need therapy to sort out her feelings.

 

Unfortunately what we view as 'protecting someone' sometimes really means we are trying to protect ourselves and that is never the answer.

 

Please come clean OP so that everyone can move forward. Yes your Ex and DD will most likely be devastated, but you can prove to be responsible by doing right by everyone going forward.

[Sassy Girl]

Full disclosure: my advice is biased.

 

2 years ago I found out my sister, who is in her mid thirties, may be my half sister. My dad came home and caught my mother in the act with a co worker. That was the end of the affair. I already existed so they stayed together. 5 months later my mother announced she's pregnant. Lo and behold - she's 5 months along. Nothing is said. Dad accepts baby is his and life goes on. Eventually dad starts an affair of his own and walks out before I was 10. Kept the secret about mums cheating and took the flack for his.

 

25 odd years later I ask dad something about his affair, confront him with some crap my NPD mother spun and he snapped. Let everything out. I'm now a keeper of "the secret" too.

 

My sister knows mum cheated. When she found out, her first question was "when?". She suspects, but I will not be the one who tells her. My mother does not know that I know. My other sister doesn't know any of it.

 

My sister SHOULD know the truth. I firmly believe that. My Mother has dropped little hints her whole life that there is doubt and it's messed with her head AND the relationship with Dad. It's also not fair that I have to carry this secret. I wish I never knew. It doesn't change anything - she's still my sister. But I hate knowing this. I hate carrying it. I don't want any part of ther dysfuntion.

 

The truth always comes out. Maybe not today. Maybe in 30 years. Maybe someone will just snap one day and blurt it. Don't let that happen. And don't ask people to keep secrets as big as this. It's not fair. My sister is my best friend. I hate it.

Edited March 5, 2016 by Sassy Girl

[Tayla]

OP your daughter should know who her real father is and she will most likely need therapy to sort out her feelings.

 

Unfortunately what we view as 'protecting someone' sometimes really means we are trying to protect ourselves and that is never the answer.

 

Please come clean OP so that everyone can move forward. Yes your Ex and DD will most likely be devastated, but you can prove to be responsible by doing right by everyone going forward.

 

The gent who has been the apple of her eye is already in her life...because Fathers aren't always blood, but they will defend and protect .. blood or no blood.

 

Certainly the Bio Dad is at liberty to know the truth.

[The Aftermath]

You answered me directly so I'll respond.

 

 

You only found out OFFICIALLY recently that MM as the father but you were close to certain as soon as you conceived. So yes, you've deceived him for 9 years now knowing there was a significant chance. That's playing god. Deciding for others what they need to know. You could have addressed this when you were pregnant but you chose a different path.

 

Who is "everyone". Forget that. 'Everyone' has their own agenda. Listen to a GOOD child therapist... Because that should be the priority. She didn't choose this messed up situation. The longer you wait to tell her the More betrayed she will feel - by YOU.

 

Stop making excuses.

 

I'm about to leave for a friend's bday dinner so I haven't had time to re-read all of my past posts, but I wanted to clarify the timeline because I think there is a misunderstanding that I was aware my H was oblivious as to who DD's real father was the entire time.

 

- 8 years ago J's W (then GF) finds out & my H find out about the A, so we end things.

 

- Shortly after I find out I'm pregnant. I am unsure who the father is. M is still on the rocks....H and I haven't decided if we will even stay together.

 

- Did not tell H about the pregnancy for a few weeks, but he found out when he saw the pregnancy books in my car. He approached me and asked "How are you and MY baby?" I assume this means he is willing to take on what is most likely another man's child/wants to R, but we do not ever speak about the A or J again.

 

- Have DD / raise her with H and years later we separate. A year after my separation my SIL tells me of the convo H had with his BIL where BIL asked H about the fact DD might not be his. H tells BIL that he NEVER thought of that possibility (despite finding texts & pictures), but tells BIL that he would never want to know if that was the case. SIL & I discuss the fact that DD may not be H's, but she does not encourage me to do the test. Tbh I was terrified of finding out the results...ignorance really is bliss.

 

- Maybe a year later J is back in my life. As I mentioned before it eventually comes out I had DD 8 years ago, but never told him because I was trying to leave him alone as his GF had asked. He sees DD pictures and says he knows she's his & pushes to be in her life. I tell him that I am unsure of how to handle this because of course I don't want to hurt H and DD, but if she isn't H's they both deserve to know.

 

- Friend encourages me to take the test. She said DD deserved to know who her real father is and that I may need to know this for medical reasons in the future. She also reminded me of the fact I have held onto the burden of wondering for so many years & after we spoke for hours I couldn't sleep for several nights thinking of all she said. I finally decided to do the test, but the reason I asked J was because he already knew DD might be his. I needed to be sure before I even thought of telling H because I know that he might have a breakdown and try to kill himself. He told SIL he would have done it when he first left us, but he had to be there for his kids. I did worry that knowing the light of his life might not be his might push him over the edge.

 

It's been a few months since I've known and every day I have thought about what to say, how to say it, SHOULD I say it? He doesn't want to know, but he deserves to know...so wtf do I do? I haven't had a good night's sleep since I have known and it is eating me up inside.

 

To everyone else the timeline doesn't matter, but to ME everything feels new. I thought for years my husband was taking on the responsibility of a child and it was only after we were already separated (and with my BIL/SIL instigating) did someone directly ask him if he suspected DD wasn't his. I know that *I* should have been the one to ask him. I didn't and I truly thought he knew. And now that I know the truth (and that he was either completely oblivious despite the proof he found or in deep denial) I am so confused as to how to go about this. I can't predict how DD will handle this, although I do feel she is strong and will do better than her Dad. I CAN predict how exH will react and this is what has been weighing on me. It's a lose-lose situation for me here...I won't forgive myself if I come clean and he tries to kill himself, but then I won't forgive myself if I keep this from him either.

[The Aftermath]

Hi OP. I know it probably feels like people are ganging up on you. However, I think you should look at it as people interpreting your current situation from the information you gave from different points of view. People do it not to berate you, but to help you. Why else would they spend their time writing responses? Ultimately, you should only take what you find helpful, and leave the rest.

 

I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions about you messing with J's wife for 8 years. I just assumed that even though you may have pumped the brakes on the physical relationship, you were still somehow emotionally invested in him and or were communicating with him. That was my mistake.

 

If you truly believe J's wife is capable of abusing your DD, then you should not even entertain the idea of allowing her into your DD's life. Therein lies the problem though. If J wants to take a more active role in DD's life (things like visitation etc), can he do that without his wife's involvement? I would think that if J gets back with his wife, they would come as a package deal.

 

I am conflicted about telling your DD the truth at such a young age. This really is a complex situation, and I would not even know where to start explaining the difference between her dad and her bio father. Maybe you could look for some guidance from a children's counselor on how to handle this situation. I still firmly believe your exH has to know though. I am not sure anybody has the right to withhold such important information from someone else. Your exH is an adult capable of making his own decisions. Others said you and members of his family who know are playing God because you are unilaterally making the decision for him that he is better off not knowing as if he were a child incapable of making decisions for himself.

 

How long have you and your ex been divorced? Your story about your exH trying to get back with you highlighted the difference between you and J. You were truly unhappy in your M, and when given the option of going back to it, you turned it down for good reason. Your H had not changed, and the dynamics would have remained the same. If J had been as unhappy as he claims to be, would that truth not be the same for him? Could his wife have changed enough in a matter of months to change the dynamics of their marriage? I doubt it.

 

From the outside looking in, it seems to me that J left his wife because he thought the grass was greener on the other side of the fence, yet when he moved to that side of the fence, he changed his mind and hopped back over it. For the sake of your sanity, I would urge you to cut ties with J as much as possible. I will go out on a limb here and assume his presence in your life is a net negative force. He is no good for you, and you deserve someone who wants to be with you and only you. Good luck OP.

 

Thank you for your post. I agree that most want to help, but I do think some who respond may be biased (BS most likely). I understand my mistakes, but I don't think I deserve what he did to me. He truly was making changes and I gave him my complete trust when I finally allowed him to meet our daughter.

 

No, I respected J's W's wishes back then to leave him alone. It was only last year that we reconnected. I am still not sure if J will ever contact me again after my last text to him. If he does I am still navigating unknown territory as far as how he will visit DD assuming he moves back in with his W.

 

Re: the grass is greener comment. I do see what you are saying, but I don't comprehend how this can be the case with us. While I am NOT claiming to be perfect - not by a long shot - I DO know that I treated him with respect ALWAYS and never did anything but love him. Why would he go back to a toxic and abusive relationship? It just boggles my mind. Even when he was throwing things around my apartment or hitting walls (when we got into arguments) I ALWAYS kept my cool & tried to talk to him like an adult. I DO think he felt that I was a positive influence in his life because when he was with me he started to actually TRY and make changes in his life. Before he would always complain about his job where he was mistreated. I told him to stop complaining and do something about it & he eventually got up the courage to actually LOOK/interview. I was even working with him on the anger issues & he was making progress (baby steps), but it was SOMETHING. He would always tell me after one of the MANY times he stormed out kuz he couldn't handle an argument with me that he felt like he didn't deserve me. He said this all the time. SO if I was good to him, why would he go back to someone who wasn't?

[malvern99]

Re: the grass is greener comment. I do see what you are saying, but I don't comprehend how this can be the case with us. While I am NOT claiming to be perfect - not by a long shot - I DO know that I treated him with respect ALWAYS and never did anything but love him. Why would he go back to a toxic and abusive relationship? It just boggles my mind. Even when he was throwing things around my apartment or hitting walls (when we got into arguments) I ALWAYS kept my cool & tried to talk to him like an adult. I DO think he felt that I was a positive influence in his life because when he was with me he started to actually TRY and make changes in his life. Before he would always complain about his job where he was mistreated. I told him to stop complaining and do something about it & he eventually got up the courage to actually LOOK/interview. I was even working with him on the anger issues & he was making progress (baby steps), but it was SOMETHING. He would always tell me after one of the MANY times he stormed out kuz he couldn't handle an argument with me that he felt like he didn't deserve me. He said this all the time. SO if I was good to him, why would he go back to someone who wasn't?

 

As hard as it may be, once you accept the fact that you can only control your own choices and actions, and nobody else's, these types of issues become somewhat easier to deal with. As you stated yourself, sometimes love alone is not enough. You can love someone all you want, but if that love and respect is not reciprocated, you're on a fools errand, and the inevitable end result for you is heartbreak.

 

Why would he go back to a toxic and abusive relationship? The only way this makes sense is if that relationship wasn't as toxic and abusive as he presented it to be, because you are right, doing so would be nonsensical. Ultimately though, that is not your problem. I know you are hurting, but I would advise you not to look for fault within yourself, but to rest easy knowing the fault lies in J. You are not responsible for the decision he made. He has shown you who he really is... believe him. Throwing things around and punching walls during arguments is not healthy behavior. It is meant to intimidate. Good on you for not succumbing to fear, and remaining the sane adult.

 

You may have been a positive influence on his life, but was he a positive influence on yours? You need to start looking out for yourself, because I doubt J is looking out for anyone but himself. I may be going off the reservation here, but this is what I truly believe, so forgive me if this offends. Any man who would abandon his children for a little strange is not a man worth keeping around or shedding tears for. You come out ahead by losing him and forgetting him. It may not seem so now, but one day you will find a man you love (hopefully unattached ) who will love ALL of you, imperfections, and rough edges included. You deserve better than a man who will play games with your life. The moment you realize that is the moment you say goodbye to J forever without looking back. Good luck OP.

Edited March 5, 2016 by malvern99
words :)

[sandylee1]

Unfortunately you can't go back in time... but paternity should have been established after your daughter was born... straight after. You just rugswept the whole affair and the baby. Even if J's wife asked you to leave him alone .... knowing the child was his could have changed everything. She could have decided NOT to marry him knowing he got you pregnant.

 

The truth back then very likely would have changed the course of events. ..... and you both could have been together from then.....

 

You knew how much unprotected sex you had with J... you knew it was more likely his child... you were just too scared to get the truth. DNA doesn't change over time and this was always an outcome.

 

Even if your DD has a relationship with J.....she should maintain her relationship with your ex H. A child psychologist is what you need here. Years down the road you will obviously have to confess your affair to her. Be prepared for resentment and everything else that this will do to her.

 

Then family counselling for you.... DD and your ex H may be required. Even though he's not her her bio dad..if he was out of her life she would feel abandoned and that would affect her greatly. Kids in this position sometimes blame themselves.... continued love from you and your ex is what she needs. He's the only dad she knows.

 

Not to mention that she has 2 half siblings as well. All that will be dealt with in time.... but one step at a time.

 

A lot of lives will be affected by this....... many of you will need support to get through it.

[elaine567]

I think there is understandably the worry as to what knowing will do to the child but I guess the bigger problem here is the ex-H, whose reaction to the fact he is not her biological father, may mean it all goes reasonably well and the status quo is maintained, or the daughter loses her "father" when he decides to bow out.

 

Some men cannot handle having anything to do with other men's children, and whilst an assumption can be made that he "probably" knew, there is a difference between "probably" and putting heads in the sand, AND cold hard facts.

[anika99]

OP you say that he has anger issues. That when he gets angry he throws things and hits walls. Then you ask how he can go back to a toxic relationship. Did you ever stop to think that he brings his own share of toxic to his marriage. Not saying his wife is a saint or that she hasn't been disrespectful to him but maybe his anger issues and his cheating has something to do with why she's so miserable.

 

When someone has anger problems the ones who live with that person always get it the worst. Mark my words, any temper tantrums you have witnessed are no where near as bad as the temper tantrums his wife and kids have had to put up with. If you think this angry temperamental cheater isn't toxic himself then you are blind. He is dysfunctional and his cheating on his wife and then hurting you was just him being his toxic dysfunctional self.

[The Aftermath]

Why would he go back to a toxic and abusive relationship? The only way this makes sense is if that relationship wasn't as toxic and abusive as he presented it to be, because you are right, doing so would be nonsensical.

 

You may have been a positive influence on his life, but was he a positive influence on yours? You need to start looking out for yourself, because I doubt J is looking out for anyone but himself. I may be going off the reservation here, but this is what I truly believe, so forgive me if this offends. Any man who would abandon his children for a little strange is not a man worth keeping around or shedding tears for.

 

J does make excuses for the abuse and says that overall she is a good person, so maybe you are right and the rest of their history was not as bad, or he really doesn't think he deserves any better. As another poster said he is toxic himself and this is hard for me to admit, but he is. And you are right about me being a positive influence on his life, but all he has brought is trouble and heartache into mine. He really did prove just how selfish he is. Can you clarify what you meant by the last sentence above? Do you mean when he left his children he had with his W?

[The Aftermath]

Unfortunately you can't go back in time... but paternity should have been established after your daughter was born... straight after. You just rugswept the whole affair and the baby. Even if J's wife asked you to leave him alone .... knowing the child was his could have changed everything. She could have decided NOT to marry him knowing he got you pregnant.

 

The truth back then very likely would have changed the course of events. ..... and you both could have been together from then.....

 

Not to mention that she has 2 half siblings as well. All that will be dealt with in time.... but one step at a time.

 

A lot of lives will be affected by this....... many of you will need support to get through it.

 

I have thought about everything you have said above and it is probably one of my biggest regrets that I did not make sure when I first found out I was pregnant. I wish that I could travel back in time and tell myself 8 years ago to make different choices...I don't regret my daughter AT ALL...I believe every baby is a blessing and she is faultless in all of this. I would not change that aspect or I wouldn't have DD today, but I wish I had the courage to confess to H that the baby might not be his. I wish I broke NC to tell J about the baby. I agree EVERYTHING would be different right now.

 

I still haven't heard from J. I don't know how much of this has to do with his W or the fact he feels like crap about what he did/that he doesn't deserve her (I know, my last text to him didn't help this any)...but I did make it clear to him before that I am not preventing him from talking to or seeing his daughter. He told me he wanted her to know her half siblings and that he wanted to be in her life. I guess I shouldn't be surprised if he ends up never contacting me to see DD, but I can't help feeling angry and disappointed in him. He was so adamant about getting to meet her, pressured me all the time when i told him I was worried he would was not going to be a permanent fixture in her life. He used to get jealous of her time with my H, wanted to change her last name on her birth certificate, etc...so why the hell is he not fighting to be a part of her life? I could never do that - find out I had a child, start spending time with that child and then just disappear off the face of the earth.

[The Aftermath]

I think there is understandably the worry as to what knowing will do to the child but I guess the bigger problem here is the ex-H, whose reaction to the fact he is not her biological father, may mean it all goes reasonably well and the status quo is maintained, or the daughter loses her "father" when he decides to bow out.

 

Some men cannot handle having anything to do with other men's children, and whilst an assumption can be made that he "probably" knew, there is a difference between "probably" and putting heads in the sand, AND cold hard facts.

 

I am very hopeful that after this all comes out my exH will still want to be a part of her life and that he will still love her the same...well, not exactly the same as I am sure he can't help but view her as J's (bio) daughter, but I don't think this fact erases the love. He might not take the news well and while he has many faults he IS a good person. This is the one positive aspect to all of this- that I don't believe exH will want to bow out of her life.

[The Aftermath]

OP you say that he has anger issues. That when he gets angry he throws things and hits walls. Then you ask how he can go back to a toxic relationship. Did you ever stop to think that he brings his own share of toxic to his marriage. Not saying his wife is a saint or that she hasn't been disrespectful to him but maybe his anger issues and his cheating has something to do with why she's so miserable.

 

When someone has anger problems the ones who live with that person always get it the worst. Mark my words, any temper tantrums you have witnessed are no where near as bad as the temper tantrums his wife and kids have had to put up with. If you think this angry temperamental cheater isn't toxic himself then you are blind. He is dysfunctional and his cheating on his wife and then hurting you was just him being his toxic dysfunctional self.

 

You are right in that he is half of that toxic relationship and they have both done things to hurt each other: She cheated on him (while dating) and has punched him a handful of times and kicked him. He cheated on her (before M and after) and has his anger issues/temper tantrums. I've thought about this when he would fly into fits of rage when we argued - that I actually felt sorry for her for having to deal with this for so long.

[13Hearts]

He sounds like he needs a psychotherapist. As for me, I stopped trying to help men who need a physician or therapist to deal with their problems long ago. It's just not my job. I don't get paid for it, they don't listen to what you tell them to do anyway, and all it does is cause me to have to do extra work while my life is already enough for me. Who wants a relationship where you have to be someone's therapist and life coach? I want to have fun, not manage a man!

[whichwayisup]

Your H probably won't be totally shocked to find out that his daughter isn't his, on some level he has thought about it but doesn't allow the thoughts to continue on about it....

 

Suggestion? You know you must tell him sooner rather than later (if he finds out from someone else it'll be much worse) how about bringing him to counseling and in a safe setting, where there's a third person and someone who can help him cope with the news after you tell him. Give it some thought.