He showed up at my apartment today and now I'm a mess

[13Hearts]

I was going to try to send him another text today asking him to please talk to me. Maybe if I explain its re: J he will answer me?

 

Re: what J told his W...I didnt ask if he told her he still loved me during the MC session or just some other time. He just said it didnt go well and that he told her. I told him there was no point in telling me though because the bottom line is hes trying to fix sh*t with her so really...why say anything?!

 

He had no business coming to your place. He's just trying to suck you back in to his drama filled life. He is one confused MF and he needs a GD psychotherapist! Because he is using YOU as one and you already have enough on your plate. Yes, you need to start over at day 1. I am sorry you became upset today. Stress sucks and you were doing the right thing calling your friend. He should not have come over to your place. He needs to get a life!

[The Aftermath]

He had no business coming to your place. He's just trying to suck you back in to his drama filled life. He is one confused MF and he needs a GD psychotherapist! Because he is using YOU as one and you already have enough on your plate. Yes, you need to start over at day 1. I am sorry you became upset today. Stress sucks and you were doing the right thing calling your friend. He should not have come over to your place. He needs to get a life!

 

Thank you so much for your compassion. I really feel so alone in all of this. 4 of my 5 very close friends have turned their back on me because I didn't turn J away when he moved out. I thought I would find compassion here among others who have been through what I've been through, but it seems like most just want to chastise me for the whole paternity thing and the bad choices I have made in the past. My mom is less than 7 minutes away, yet we have never been close so I can't even confide in her. When my exH left me/us my mom was going through her own problems. I remember crying in her living room next to her, feeling so incredibly sad and guilty, and all she could say was "At least he didn't cheat on you".

 

I really do feel like I have so much on my plate...too much to bear and I feel like I carry this with me wherever I go & can't think of much else no matter where I am. I'm still reeling from what J did to me (not to mention the wounds open up whenever I See him on the road) & I still have to deal with exH and possibly doing the 2nd paternity test, etc. I know some posters told me I can "choose" to end this drama, but even if I cut J out of our lives I will still have to tell exH and DD the truth.

[13Hearts]

Thank you so much for your compassion. I really feel so alone in all of this. 4 of my 5 very close friends have turned their back on me because I didn't turn J away when he moved out. I thought I would find compassion here among others who have been through what I've been through, but it seems like most just want to chastise me for the whole paternity thing and the bad choices I have made in the past. My mom is less than 7 minutes away, yet we have never been close so I can't even confide in her. When my exH left me/us my mom was going through her own problems. I remember crying in her living room next to her, feeling so incredibly sad and guilty, and all she could say was "At least he didn't cheat on you".

 

I really do feel like I have so much on my plate...too much to bear and I feel like I carry this with me wherever I go & can't think of much else no matter where I am. I'm still reeling from what J did to me (not to mention the wounds open up whenever I See him on the road) & I still have to deal with exH and possibly doing the 2nd paternity test, etc. I know some posters told me I can "choose" to end this drama, but even if I cut J out of our lives I will still have to tell exH and DD the truth.

 

It doesn't do anyone any good to chastise others for "bad" decisions or mistakes they have made. What's done is done and we have only today to live. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not guaranteed to any of us. Not even MM. Do what YOU need to do to be the strongest and happiest you can be today.

 

You DO have a lot on your plate and I know you are doing the best that you can. Don't worry about the future and how or when you will tell DD and XH. It will happen when it needs to happen.

 

J is a mess and all he does is weaken you. Choose to surround yourself with people who STRENGTHEN, not weaken, you. People who help, not hinder. It is times like these when you discover who are your true friends. Make new friends. People you have things in common with now, not yesterday. You are not the same person you were even a few short weeks ago. Life has been difficult for you, no matter who is "at fault" or to blame. Those old people who have gone do not fit into your life any longer. There are others who fit who you are now, better than those who have gone.

 

Take this one day at a time. Decide what you want, and how you want your life to look. Set goals for yourself. Share your dreams with all who will listen. Then watch as you attract to yourself like-minded people who can help you attain those goals. I know this method works because it has worked for me in the past. I have accomplished and experienced so much more in my life this way. Get out of your funk and dare to dream big dreams! You can do this. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

[ChickiePops]

I think you'd get more sympathy if you took some action to fix your mistakes instead of just talking about how it's all in the past. It's not, at least not for your ex and daughter. It's in the future for them.

 

The longer you wait, the worse it's going to be. Suck it up and come clean.

[The Aftermath]

It doesn't do anyone any good to chastise others for "bad" decisions or mistakes they have made. What's done is done and we have only today to live. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not guaranteed to any of us. Not even MM. Do what YOU need to do to be the strongest and happiest you can be today.

 

You DO have a lot on your plate and I know you are doing the best that you can. Don't worry about the future and how or when you will tell DD and XH. It will happen when it needs to happen.

 

J is a mess and all he does is weaken you. Choose to surround yourself with people who STRENGTHEN, not weaken, you. People who help, not hinder. It is times like these when you discover who are your true friends. Make new friends. People you have things in common with now, not yesterday. You are not the same person you were even a few short weeks ago. Life has been difficult for you, no matter who is "at fault" or to blame. Those old people who have gone do not fit into your life any longer. There are others who fit who you are now, better than those who have gone.

 

Take this one day at a time. Decide what you want, and how you want your life to look. Set goals for yourself. Share your dreams with all who will listen. Then watch as you attract to yourself like-minded people who can help you attain those goals. I know this method works because it has worked for me in the past. I have accomplished and experienced so much more in my life this way. Get out of your funk and dare to dream big dreams! You can do this. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

 

Wow, how pathetic am I that a few kind words from a stranger have me bawling like a baby? The burden of this knowledge is killing me and I feel like a zombie trying to get through every day (work, sleepless nights, repeat). Since I was a child I have always been a positive, independent and most of all, a STRONG person. I feel like I have lost myself.

 

You are right...I need to surround myself with people I can trust and who dont bring me down, but I dont feel like I can ever trust anyone right now after J & SIL betrayed me. I really am trying to put my R with J behind me, but its hard when those wounds keep reopening whenever things happen (like seeing him on the way to work).

[The Aftermath]

I think you'd get more sympathy if you took some action to fix your mistakes instead of just talking about how it's all in the past. It's not, at least not for your ex and daughter. It's in the future for them.

 

The longer you wait, the worse it's going to be. Suck it up and come clean.

 

I dont want sympathy....Im sure I've thrown enough pity parties for myself since our break up weeks ago. I just want to be able to come here and vent among others who understand, who are feeling as sh*tty as I am without being judged...I get enough of that from people IRL.

 

Unless someone is in my shoes there is no way they can understand the magnitude of the news Im about to deliver or the burden Ive been carrying..this is going to CHANGE LIVES. I have been thinking about how to handle this since I found out and it really is not an easy decision. On top of that I am still floundering & trying to get past what happened with J, but as I mentioned i cant escape it..I want to move because I keep running into him, but even then I just have to look at my daughters face and I know I will NEVER escape him even if I cut him out of our lives.

 

I dont know what the right choices are. In my heart I feel like I need to tell exH...He is still avoiding me, but I told him we should talk and I keep telling myself that even if everyone says he cant handle it he NEEDS to know, regardless of Js participation in DDs life. Eventually I will have to tell DD & believe me it devastates me to have to look at my girls and tell them theres a reason people have told them all their lives that they look nothing alike...that they are half siblings.

 

Today i gave J a link to DNA testing centers and told him to pick a time and place and I would make it happen. He came back and told me thanks for the list, but sorry his W is insisting on picking the place because her dumb @ss thinks somehow I will forge THESE results as well. I told him I didnt PICK a place, I merely googled a link of testing centers in our state and told HIM to choose. I told him already I have nothing to gain in all this...I already know what the results will be and that HE is doing this to prove a point (despite already knowing DD is his). Nightmare

[ChickiePops]

I dont want sympathy....Im sure I've thrown enough pity parties for myself since our break up weeks ago. I just want to be able to come here and vent among others who understand, who are feeling as sh*tty as I am without being judged...I get enough of that from people IRL.

 

Unless someone is in my shoes there is no way they can understand the magnitude of the news Im about to deliver or the burden Ive been carrying..this is going to CHANGE LIVES. I have been thinking about how to handle this since I found out and it really is not an easy decision. On top of that I am still floundering & trying to get past what happened with J, but as I mentioned i cant escape it..I want to move because I keep running into him, but even then I just have to look at my daughters face and I know I will NEVER escape him even if I cut him out of our lives.

 

I dont know what the right choices are. In my heart I feel like I need to tell exH...He is still avoiding me, but I told him we should talk and I keep telling myself that even if everyone says he cant handle it he NEEDS to know, regardless of Js participation in DDs life. Eventually I will have to tell DD & believe me it devastates me to have to look at my girls and tell them theres a reason people have told them all their lives that they look nothing alike...that they are half siblings.

 

Today i gave J a link to DNA testing centers and told him to pick a time and place and I would make it happen. He came back and told me thanks for the list, but sorry his W is insisting on picking the place because her dumb @ss thinks somehow I will forge THESE results as well. I told him I didnt PICK a place, I merely googled a link of testing centers in our state and told HIM to choose. I told him already I have nothing to gain in all this...I already know what the results will be and that HE is doing this to prove a point (despite already knowing DD is his). Nightmare

 

Ok..then maybe you'd get more UNDERSTANDING if you took some action. Better?

 

What is the nightmare? He made a dumbass comment to try to get a rise out of you. People do this all the time. It's only a nightmare because you're making it one in your head. Just let it go.

 

Of course you have to tell your ex..it would be cruel not to..plus it would always be hanging over your head and your daughters that this man, who sounds pretty childish, has this information and could reveal it at any time..and his angry betrayed wife has it too. This is going to be horrible for your entire family but imagine how much worse it would be if it was coming from either of them. I hope they'd both have enough sense to keep it to let you and a therapist reveal this to your ex and daughter, but as he didn't have enough sense to keep it in his pants while he was married and she just found out that her husband has an affair child, so I wouldn't count on either of them to stay quiet forever.

 

I am genuinely sorry for everyone who's involved in this. It's a terrible situation, and I understand that you want the worst to be over but this is NOT a past mistake that you can just ignore or run away from. This hasn't even happened yet for your daughter or your ex. You're still making a mistake.

 

You have the results of the first test, right? So what are you waiting for? There will never be a perfect time and, as I said, the longer you wait, the worse it is.

[Sassy Girl]

The right choices are:

 

1. Consult with a child therapist. Make an appointment. Today.

2. Consult with a lawyer. Find out the legal implications for everyone e involved. Make an appontment. Today.

3. File for child support. For your daughter. It's her right.

4 stop accepting child support from your exH for a child that's not his. Open a separate account for it and just hold onto it- until your ex is informed. Then let him decide what to do with it. Because it's the RIGHT thing to do. Open that account today.

5. Block MM. Let lawyers work it out. block him today.

6. Get up and go visit your exH face to face. This 'not returning my messages' is a pretty flimsy excuse. If you tell him you need to discuss your children and that it's important, any good parent will have the conversation.

 

There's 6 tangible actions you can take in the right direction. So again, what are you waiting for?

[sandylee1]

I think you'd get more sympathy if you took some action to fix your mistakes instead of just talking about how it's all in the past. It's not, at least not for your ex and daughter. It's in the future for them.

 

The longer you wait, the worse it's going to be. Suck it up and come clean.

 

I agree with this.

You are so focused on being in victim mode and are not taking sufficient responsibility for the mess you've created.

 

J is really no better or worse than you are. Yer it seems you want to place ALL the blame for your situation on him ...... that's not fair..time to accept that your bad choices have left you in this mess.

 

You're both people who cheated on your partners and created a new life. Why do you feel it's right flame him.

 

In addition... you act like the paternity issue is just a fly in the ointment and the major issue is your relationship with J. Perhaps that is how you see it, but if so.... you're just avoiding it.

 

I'd be very very angry... if I knew my mother hadn't sorted out my paternity (still letting someone think he's my dad ) and was more concerned about J going back to his wife and how she's been dumped. That's what married people who have affairs do... . just like you did 8 or so years ago when you stepped outside the marriage.

 

Sorry if it seems harsh...but coddlying you and sugar coating it won't help. You don't want to hear the truth and perhaps that's why your friends have turned their backs on you.

 

I also think your mother was saying it like it is as well... your ex H didn't cheat and get another woman pregnant. He didn't cheat period. When those that love and care about you tell you something. .. perhaps you should accept that what they're saying is true.

 

Just bear in mind that everything you're facing ... is as a result of your choice to cheat.... it might be in the past ...but it continues to follow you.... because of your DD.

 

Again .... I'm not unsympathetic ... but you do need to get out of victim mode.

[The Aftermath]

So sorry for the late response. Have been so busy with work and ended up taking my grandmother to the emergency room when I went to visit family last weekend.

 

A lot has happened since I last posted & I would like to get some advice, but Ive held back so far because I feel like all I will receive is condemnation and negativity.

[The Aftermath]

n

I agree with this.

You are so focused on being in victim mode and are not taking sufficient responsibility for the mess you've created.

 

J is really no better or worse than you are. Yer it seems you want to place ALL the blame for your situation on him ...... that's not fair..time to accept that your bad choices have left you in this mess.

 

You're both people who cheated on your partners and created a new life. Why do you feel it's right flame him.

 

In addition... you act like the paternity issue is just a fly in the ointment and the major issue is your relationship with J. Perhaps that is how you see it, but if so.... you're just avoiding it.

 

I'd be very very angry... if I knew my mother hadn't sorted out my paternity (still letting someone think he's my dad ) and was more concerned about J going back to his wife and how she's been dumped. That's what married people who have affairs do... . just like you did 8 or so years ago when you stepped outside the marriage.

 

Sorry if it seems harsh...but coddlying you and sugar coating it won't help. You don't want to hear the truth and perhaps that's why your friends have turned their backs on you.

 

I also think your mother was saying it like it is as well... your ex H didn't cheat and get another woman pregnant. He didn't cheat period. When those that love and care about you tell you something. .. perhaps you should accept that what they're saying is true.

 

Just bear in mind that everything you're facing ... is as a result of your choice to cheat.... it might be in the past ...but it continues to follow you.... because of your DD.

 

Again .... I'm not unsympathetic ... but you do need to get out of victim mode.

 

Hi, I thought I replied, but I dont see my response. Re: Blaming J- I dont blame him for the A & believe me I have never thought I was better than him. Aside from how I feel now being his mistress was probably one of the darkest times in my life...no one likes to feel 2nd best, used, worthless. I dont place all the blame on him, but I am angry that he begged me for a 2nd chance when I was finally at peace & felt OK ending things for good (that 3rd time). I feel foolish that I got sucked back in, but he did something that surprised even him- he left...and when he did so I started believing in him again.

 

I guess I gained respect for him when he did that because I knew how much he loved his kids and to be away from them would be torture, but he did it...and he made me feel like maybe now I could take a leap of faith as well since he now wanted our R to be out in the open. He was supposed to file for D when he got his tax return this Spring.

 

The reason my friends ended up turning their backs on me was because they were angry with me for giving him another chance when he left his W. Also, forgot to mention that SIL (the one who told BIL about the paternity test) takes my situation personally because her Mom walked out on her Dad for about a week to be with another man.

 

Re: the comment my Mom made - it wasnt out of concern. My Dad was cheating on her at the time and my Mom meant that what she had to deal with was worse (my dad cheating) & that I should be GRATEFUL that while my H walked out on me he still loved me & wasnt cheating like my Dad was. My Mom doesnt know much about the A with J...she assumes it was just talking/EA.

 

Regarding the paternity issue- by no means am I minimizing it. I think about it every day, from the moment I wake up until I attempt to sleep at night. I havent had peace or a good nights sleep since I got involved with J and it got worse once I knew the results of the test. I dont want to be a victim...I really dont.

 

If you ask anyone who knows me they will tell you I am a strong woman and I should be able to get over this, but I feel so stuck and hopeless. I just want to get back to who I was before J was back in my life, but I dont know if that is possible. J said he found a testing center that is open on Saturdays so I think he is serious about being in DDs life & that he wants to proceed with the test.

Edited March 26, 2016 by The Aftermath

[13Hearts]

Wow, how pathetic am I that a few kind words from a stranger have me bawling like a baby? The burden of this knowledge is killing me and I feel like a zombie trying to get through every day (work, sleepless nights, repeat). Since I was a child I have always been a positive, independent and most of all, a STRONG person. I feel like I have lost myself.

 

You are right...I need to surround myself with people I can trust and who dont bring me down, but I dont feel like I can ever trust anyone right now after J & SIL betrayed me. I really am trying to put my R with J behind me, but its hard when those wounds keep reopening whenever things happen (like seeing him on the way to work).

 

I'm sorry but honestly? You're living your life, and thinking your thoughts, around a whole lot of things you simply have NO CONTROL OVER. Stop it. Take a big step back, out of your emotions, out of your problems, and out of the entire situation; get some distance. And then look at it again, with fresh eyes, and figure out what you DO have the ability to control. (This is where good, honest, healthy friends and family can come in handy). Once you have determined what IS within your control, focus on those things. Not all this garbage that is making you feel so crappy and defeated.

[13Hearts]

n

 

Hi, I thought I replied, but I dont see my response. Re: Blaming J- I dont blame him for the A & believe me I have never thought I was better than him. Aside from how I feel now being his mistress was probably one of the darkest times in my life...no one likes to feel 2nd best, used, worthless. I dont place all the blame on him, but I am angry that he begged me for a 2nd chance when I was finally at peace & felt OK ending things for good (that 3rd time). I feel foolish that I got sucked back in, but he did something that surprised even him- he left...and when he did so I started believing in him again.

 

I guess I gained respect for him when he did that because I knew how much he loved his kids and to be away from them would be torture, but he did it...and he made me feel like maybe now I could take a leap of faith as well since he now wanted our R to be out in the open. He was supposed to file for D when he got his tax return this Spring.

 

The reason my friends ended up turning their backs on me was because they were angry with me for giving him another chance when he left his W. Also, forgot to mention that SIL (the one who told BIL about the paternity test) takes my situation personally because her Mom walked out on her Dad for about a week to be with another man.

 

Re: the comment my Mom made - it wasnt out of concern. My Dad was cheating on her at the time and my Mom meant that what she had to deal with was worse (my dad cheating) & that I should be GRATEFUL that while my H walked out on me he still loved me & wasnt cheating like my Dad was. My Mom doesnt know much about the A with J...she assumes it was just talking/EA.

 

Regarding the paternity issue- by no means am I minimizing it. I think about it every day, from the moment I wake up until I attempt to sleep at night. I havent had peace or a good nights sleep since I got involved with J and it got worse once I knew the results of the test. I dont want to be a victim...I really dont.

 

If you ask anyone who knows me they will tell you I am a strong woman and I should be able to get over this, but I feel so stuck and hopeless. I just want to get back to who I was before J was back in my life, but I dont know if that is possible. J said he found a testing center that is open on Saturdays so I think he is serious about being in DDs life & that he wants to proceed with the test.

 

I think you're depressed and should see a physician.

[The Aftermath]

I think you're depressed and should see a physician.

 

I have an appt with my IC next Friday. I am going to ask for a referral for DD as well. Im at a new job (started end of Jan) & they discouraged us from taking ANY time off, but I really want to meet with her...she is the same IC who helped me get thru the panic attacks when my H & i first separated. I know she doesnt specialize in child psychiatry, but shes familiar with the situation with my H & may be able to give me advice on the timeline and steps to take from here on out.

 

ETA- Sorry I may have misunderstood. Did you mean my general practioner & not an IC? I am worried about relying on medication to feel okay. I actually was starting to feel better those few weeks of NC, but since the day he returned his things/messaged me theres been sporadic contact. Ive been seeing him on the road a lot more due to having to stay late at work and only the one route to my apt (J & I live in the foothills). The last time we got stuck at a stoplight & were right next to each other I noticed my hands were shaking. I really feel like I need to move.

Edited March 26, 2016 by The Aftermath

[The Aftermath]

Hi all. Finally gathered the courage to post an update on the suggestion of some supportive members here. I am deeply ashamed of all that's transpired since the time exMM showed up at my apartment, but looking back I feel like these things needed to happen to strengthen my resolve and not let him back into my (or DD's) life.

 

Posting as a timeline from the beginning of "our story" to today - missing several details/just a quick summary, of course. (I looked back on messages to my best friend and decided to mark my calendar w/the date of each 'event' & how it made me feel afterwards. Not sure how entirely helpful that will be, but anyway here it goes) --

 

Mid-end of March, 2015: J and I are in contact again after a run in months prior at a shopping plaza. He mentions his GF is now his W, but he says we can still be friends, right? I stupidly agree and believe that this is possible for us despite our almost 1/2 year A 8 years prior.

 

April 2015: J starts messaging me every morning & all day/every day. I am the first one he turns to when something bad or good happens in his life. I realize I'm starting to fall for him (during our A 8 years ago I can honestly say I don't think I 'loved' him...I was much too broken from being in an unhappy M to do that, but this time around I know that *I* did.) Our EA quickly turns into a PA.

 

April-Sept. 2015: I feel myself pulling away from my family and my friends. Graduation parties, birthday parties, etc...I leave all of these early just to be able to spend a few fleeting moments with him. Fridays are "our" nights. (Even now I am unable to stay home on a Friday without breaking down & crying on my living room floor). I end up confiding to a few of my friends about the situation I am in. I tell them that my exMM, "J", is the same person from my A 8 years ago and that he is likely my youngest D's father. J has been talking about leaving his W and telling her about DD. One friend encourages me to do a paternity test to be sure before J goes and tells his wife and the whole world about DD.

 

I feel like I am on a downward spiral. I normally don't drink, but I do when I am with him...maybe that is my way of coping with the fact that I know what I am doing is wrong? I hate the person I have become. While I don't feel that I am cheating on my H due to us being separated for 3 years I know that I am enabling J to cheat on his W. I am so happy when I am with him and I do feel that he loves me, but it's not enough. I can't be happy loving someone who goes home to and loves someone else. When he leaves to go back home it destroys me - each and every time. I know what I need to do (end the A for good), but I feel powerless to do so.

 

During these months I try twice to end the A: The 1st time was maybe 3 months in? I tell him that after my A with him years ago I never wanted to be that deceitful person again. He replied with crying/begging and he even sent me a selfie he took of himself in his car with tears rolling down his face. It didn't make me feel sorry for him...in fact, I found it comical that he thought that would change my mind. WTF takes a picture of themselves crying? But I still loved him and I guess I wasn't strong enough to completely leave him, so I stayed.

 

The 2nd time was a few months down the line. I am still not happy with myself OR the situation. Despite continued talks of how unhappy he is in his M and how he is starting to take his frustrations out on his kids (his Dad abused him & he worried about one day hitting his kids in anger) - he still stayed. I told him I could NOT do this anymore..that for my own sanity I needed to end the A. He told me he wanted to leave his W, but he felt horrible because they just had a "save-the-marriage" baby. He said he already felt guilty about maybe one day having to tell his daughter she shouldn't have been in this world, but then to leave his W with a newborn & to leave his infant baby would make him an A**hole. He is also one of those people who cares SO much about what people think about him...he doesn't want to be seen as the jerk who left while his D was still a baby.

 

J told me that if HE had a child with ME he would want to be there for me, so I should understand. I am desperate at this time for him to let me go because I feel myself getting pulled back in & staying in the A due to his begging & the fact I still loved him. It is then that I told him he was foolish because if he just did the math he'd KNOW that my younger DD was HIS. I honestly thought this revelation would push him away...I was sure he'd assume I'd made it up or if he believed me that he'd think I was just after him for CS money. He is shocked, but wants to know more and after seeing pictures of her (she looks like him, esp. when he was a baby) he said he KNOWS she is his. We later take the paternity test (he mutters "I KNOW she's my daughter" & rolls his eyes as he does the swab). The test confirms DD is his.

 

....To be continued..... (sorry, I'm on a Mac for now and things keep getting deleted)

Edited April 4, 2016 by The Aftermath

[The Aftermath]

Hi all. Finally gathered the courage to post an update on the suggestion of some supportive members here. I am deeply ashamed of all that's transpired since the time exMM showed up at my apartment, but looking back I feel like these things needed to happen to strengthen my resolve and not let him back into my (or DD's) life.

 

Posting as a timeline from the beginning of "our story" to today - missing several details/just a quick summary, of course. (I looked back on messages to my best friend and decided to mark my calendar w/the date of each 'event' & how it made me feel afterwards. Not sure how entirely helpful that will be, but anyway here it goes) --

 

Mid-end of March, 2015: J and I are in contact again after a run in months prior at a shopping plaza. He mentions his GF is now his W, but he says we can still be friends, right? I stupidly agree and believe that this is possible for us despite our almost 1/2 year A 8 years prior.

 

April 2015: J starts messaging me every morning & all day/every day. I am the first one he turns to when something bad or good happens in his life. I realize I'm starting to fall for him (during our A 8 years ago I can honestly say I don't think I 'loved' him...I was much too broken from being in an unhappy M to do that, but this time around I know that *I* did.) Our EA quickly turns into a PA.

 

April-Sept. 2015: I feel myself pulling away from my family and my friends. Graduation parties, birthday parties, etc...I leave all of these early just to be able to spend a few fleeting moments with him. Fridays are "our" nights. (Even now I am unable to stay home on a Friday without breaking down & crying on my living room floor). I end up confiding to a few of my friends about the situation I am in. I tell them that my exMM, "J", is the same person from my A 8 years ago and that he is likely my youngest D's father. J has been talking about leaving his W and telling her about DD. One friend encourages me to do a paternity test to be sure before J goes and tells his wife and the whole world about DD.

 

I feel like I am on a downward spiral. I normally don't drink, but I do when I am with him...maybe that is my way of coping with the fact that I know what I am doing is wrong? I hate the person I have become. While I don't feel that I am cheating on my H due to us being separated for 3 years I know that I am enabling J to cheat on his W. I am so happy when I am with him and I do feel that he loves me, but it's not enough. I can't be happy loving someone who goes home to and loves someone else. When he leaves to go back home it destroys me - each and every time. I know what I need to do (end the A for good), but I feel powerless to do so.

 

During these months I try twice to end the A: The 1st time was maybe 3 months in? I tell him that after my A with him years ago I never wanted to be that deceitful person again. He replied with crying/begging and he even sent me a selfie he took of himself in his car with tears rolling down his face. It didn't make me feel sorry for him...in fact, I found it comical that he thought that would change my mind. WTF takes a picture of themselves crying? But I still loved him and I guess I wasn't strong enough to completely leave him, so I stayed.

 

The 2nd time was a few months down the line. I am still not happy with myself OR the situation. Despite continued talks of how unhappy he is in his M and how he is starting to take his frustrations out on his kids (his Dad abused him & he worried about one day hitting his kids in anger) - he still stayed. I told him I could NOT do this anymore..that for my own sanity I needed to end the A. He told me he wanted to leave his W, but he felt horrible because they just had a "save-the-marriage" baby. He said he already felt guilty about maybe one day having to tell his daughter she shouldn't have been in this world, but then to leave his W with a newborn & to leave his infant baby would make him an A**hole. He is also one of those people who cares SO much about what people think about him...he doesn't want to be seen as the jerk who left while his D was still a baby.

 

J told me that if HE had a child with ME he would want to be there for me, so I should understand. I am desperate at this time for him to let me go because I feel myself getting pulled back in & staying in the A due to his begging & the fact I still loved him. It is then that I told him he was foolish because if he just did the math he'd KNOW that my younger DD was HIS. I honestly thought this revelation would push him away...I was sure he'd assume I'd made it up or if he believed me that he'd think I was just after him for CS money. He is shocked, but wants to know more and after seeing pictures of her (she looks like him, esp. when he was a baby) he said he KNOWS she is his. We later take the paternity test (he mutters "I KNOW she's my daughter" & rolls his eyes as he does the swab). The test confirms DD is his.

 

....To be continued..... (sorry, I'm on a Mac for now and things keep getting deleted)

 

Oct. 2015: I am at my wit's end. The A has consumed my life and I hate how it makes me feel: deceitful, worthless, second-rate, empty, broken. I feel like I finally have the courage to walk away for good. I tell him during one of his morning calls (he always called me on his way to work) that I needed to end things. I tell him I'm not the one he can't live without and that I just can't be his "option" anymore...that the A is destroying me. I tell him to forget about me and to let me go. He yells at me that I don't even KNOW just how miserable he is at home and then he screams that he almost wrapped his car around his pole (because I ended things by phone while he was driving) and the line goes dead. I call him back to make sure he's okay and he is. He is crying on the phone now, but he tells me he will talk to me more later.

 

A few days later I get a call from him - he says that it's true he hasn't done anything but complain about his situation, but he is going to do something about it. He says he is going to be truthful with his W about everything and he's going to tell her he's leaving. I tell him that this is NOT why I ended things. I tell him that I do NOT need or want the guilt or burden on my shoulders if he left his W and kids "for me". He is adamant that he is not doing it for me, but that he's worried his unhappiness will cause him to one day hit his kids as his dad hit him. (I believe him at this point in time, but months later he admits he just couldn't bear to lose me & so he acted without thinking).

 

Halloween week/weekend: He tells his wife at the beginning of the week that he's leaving her. He says she's floored, of course, despite the fact she has been feeling him pull away for months (I saw the texts). She asks him who he's seeing. He doesn't confess to her yet. He says he wants to tell her once he's out of the house so she doesn't stop him & to "cushion the blow" since it was already huge for him to tell her he was unhappy & wanted out of the M. Thursday night I get a call from her. I am shaking and don't know what to do, so I pretended I couldn't hear her say "hello" and I hung up.

 

Immediately after I texted him that I think his W called. He confirmed and said it was and that she KNOWS. After I hung up she went up to him and started hitting him with her phone after she shoved the phone in his face & it showed my number. She asked him how he could do this again and when she just had their baby. It was at this point that he asked her to sit down & he confessed to the A and told her about our daughter. He calls me to ask me if *I'M* okay. He said she is crying in another room and that one of his friends is coming over as he needed someone to talk to about everything. I find out the next day he confided all to his friend and that his friend (BF of his W's BF supports him).

 

He told me that Friday she runs to one of his sisters and tells her everything. His W tells his S that she will file for abandonment if he leaves. He visits his parents for Halloween and his W refuses to go for a sleepover. He eventually convinces her to be there for their daughter's 1st Halloween. The last I hear from him is Saturday night.

 

Sunday comes around and I haven't heard from him and it's 5pm. The whole day I felt off...I knew something was wrong since the morning. I texted him and he told me he'd call me. Sunday night he asked me to sit down & I knew it was bad. He started off by telling me that Sat. night she read the messages on his Apple watch because he forgot to lock it. He relayed the story to me: "She saw our texts about the Fridays. She told me 'I know you love her and this is going to end NOW. I am your wife and you will not see your kids again if you don't call her right now and end things. You will ONLY talk to her about your daughter' ". I asked him how he responded (but I already knew in my heart) -- He told me he said to her, "I can't call (me) right now, it's 2am". So I told him "So after all of this you're giving in to empty threats?!" I yelled at him for making me believe in him once again and I told him to stay away from me and to stay away from our D. During the entire A I met several guys - 2 were my SIL's BF's friends, one was my friend from years ago that messaged me on LinkedIn and another guy from mutual friends. 2 of these guys asked me out, but I turned them down because I loved J. Before I hung up I told him that I hated him in that moment, but not to worry because X (male friend) would do a D*MN good job helping me forget him. I was just so hurt and angry and this friend was the main one that he was so worried about me falling for during the A.

[The Aftermath]

Oct. 2015: I am at my wit's end. The A has consumed my life and I hate how it makes me feel: deceitful, worthless, second-rate, empty, broken. I feel like I finally have the courage to walk away for good. I tell him during one of his morning calls (he always called me on his way to work) that I needed to end things. I tell him I'm not the one he can't live without and that I just can't be his "option" anymore...that the A is destroying me. I tell him to forget about me and to let me go. He yells at me that I don't even KNOW just how miserable he is at home and then he screams that he almost wrapped his car around his pole (because I ended things by phone while he was driving) and the line goes dead. I call him back to make sure he's okay and he is. He is crying on the phone now, but he tells me he will talk to me more later.

 

A few days later I get a call from him - he says that it's true he hasn't done anything but complain about his situation, but he is going to do something about it. He says he is going to be truthful with his W about everything and he's going to tell her he's leaving. I tell him that this is NOT why I ended things. I tell him that I do NOT need or want the guilt or burden on my shoulders if he left his W and kids "for me". He is adamant that he is not doing it for me, but that he's worried his unhappiness will cause him to one day hit his kids as his dad hit him. (I believe him at this point in time, but months later he admits he just couldn't bear to lose me & so he acted without thinking).

 

Halloween week/weekend: He tells his wife at the beginning of the week that he's leaving her. He says she's floored, of course, despite the fact she has been feeling him pull away for months (I saw the texts). She asks him who he's seeing. He doesn't confess to her yet. He says he wants to tell her once he's out of the house so she doesn't stop him & to "cushion the blow" since it was already huge for him to tell her he was unhappy & wanted out of the M. Thursday night I get a call from her. I am shaking and don't know what to do, so I pretended I couldn't hear her say "hello" and I hung up.

 

Immediately after I texted him that I think his W called. He confirmed and said it was and that she KNOWS. After I hung up she went up to him and started hitting him with her phone after she shoved the phone in his face & it showed my number. She asked him how he could do this again and when she just had their baby. It was at this point that he asked her to sit down & he confessed to the A and told her about our daughter. He calls me to ask me if *I'M* okay. He said she is crying in another room and that one of his friends is coming over as he needed someone to talk to about everything. I find out the next day he confided all to his friend and that his friend (BF of his W's BF supports him).

 

He told me that Friday she runs to one of his sisters and tells her everything. His W tells his S that she will file for abandonment if he leaves. He visits his parents for Halloween and his W refuses to go for a sleepover. He eventually convinces her to be there for their daughter's 1st Halloween. The last I hear from him is Saturday night.

 

Sunday comes around and I haven't heard from him and it's 5pm. The whole day I felt off...I knew something was wrong since the morning. I texted him and he told me he'd call me. Sunday night he asked me to sit down & I knew it was bad. He started off by telling me that Sat. night she read the messages on his Apple watch because he forgot to lock it. He relayed the story to me: "She saw our texts about the Fridays. She told me 'I know you love her and this is going to end NOW. I am your wife and you will not see your kids again if you don't call her right now and end things. You will ONLY talk to her about your daughter' ". I asked him how he responded (but I already knew in my heart) -- He told me he said to her, "I can't call (me) right now, it's 2am". So I told him "So after all of this you're giving in to empty threats?!" I yelled at him for making me believe in him once again and I told him to stay away from me and to stay away from our D. During the entire A I met several guys - 2 were my SIL's BF's friends, one was my friend from years ago that messaged me on LinkedIn and another guy from mutual friends. 2 of these guys asked me out, but I turned them down because I loved J. Before I hung up I told him that I hated him in that moment, but not to worry because X (male friend) would do a D*MN good job helping me forget him. I was just so hurt and angry and this friend was the main one that he was so worried about me falling for during the A.

 

Nov. 2015: I tell my close friends about what happened that weekend. They tell me "good riddance" and say that now I can move forward. Despite being devastated I also (strangely) feel relieved and free. I don't know how to explain it and I know it doesn't make any sense. Tuesday night I get a text from J - he tells me that he knows I don't want to hear from him, but to please give him a 2nd chance as he has something important he wants to tell me. I agree to let him come over the next day to talk.

 

Wednesday morning he tells me that he's been a mess since everything went down on Sunday. On Monday they sent him home from work and on Tuesday he didn't come in at all. He told me that he's sorry he was weak and that he left her threats get to him. He asked me to give him a chance, that he wanted a relationship with me where he didn't have to lie/deceive people and he said he WAS going to leave. I tell him that I am very fearful of letting him into my life again after he was so wishy-washy and he says that he will show me that he means it and that he wants to give US a chance. When he left my apartment that day he came out to find his car was keyed. Not just a minor scratch...someone had doodled all over his car. I suspected it was his W, but he claimed she would NEVER do something like that. I told him I never thought I would ever cheat on my H either, but people do things when they are desperate. Over the next week he got a phone call from some "guy" claiming he was my BF. The text message told him J had better leave me alone or else. I was so frustrated when J told me about the text & asked me to SWEAR I didn't have some guy who was obsessed with me. I told him if he couldn't see that his W was behind this he was an idiot. I also was adamant my H would NEVER do something like that as he was a puppy dog & I know for a fact he did NOT know about J.

 

Mid-November 2015: J finds a room to rent (just a few streets down from me) and he moves out before her parents come home from their visit to their home country. I confided in a friend and told her that I was unsure about everything. I asked him not to leave his W for me and now I felt tremendous pressure to be with him since he claims part of the reason was to be with me. A few of my close friends turn on me at this point...they say he wouldn't have left despite his M being unhappy if I was not there for him. My BF told me it would be messed up to abandon him at this point -- that he took a leap of faith and wanted to try to be with me honestly. Despite my mixed feelings and serious concerns that he did not give himself time to mourn the loss of his M & leaving his kids - I agree to be with him.

 

Nov. 2015 - mid Feb. 2016: J and I are in a R, as much as two people can be considering we are both married (he left recently & I've been separated for 3 years). He tells me that during this time his W still calls him all the pet names; he asks her to stop. She hugs him goodbye when they exchange the kids; he asks her to stop because it makes him feel awkward. I know it's hard to trust what he's saying, but since he gave me the password to his phone, etc. I confirmed by reading what they both said. During this time she apologizes profusely for how she's treated him, says she went to their priest and confessed about all her wrongdoings, but he told her it was too late and he was sorry. He was so neutral all those months and even told her once that she needed to stop using the kids against him and that he left HER and not the kids. She said he had a new GF, who had his child...that he had "traded" them for us. Things remain neutral between them. She asks if she can see him without the kids and he tells her he's sorry, but no, as it wouldn't be right and that he's with someone else now.

 

Mid-February I read one of their convos as I noticed he seemed a bit distant and confused. He was still affectionate, but something was just off. In the convo she asked him why he drove off looking angry (they had just exchanged the kids). He said he wasn't, but then she pushed and he finally said "If you're dating someone you can just tell me. I deserve to know who is around my children". I confronted him about this text when he got out of the shower. I told him if he's still hung up on HER he had/has no business being with me. I told him this was my worst fear and it was one of the reasons I ended things with him. He said he was working up a way to tell me his feelings & that he was very confused by this. He said he asked himself a million times if he loved her before he left and the answer was "no" & that's why he doesn't understand why it upset him seeing her dressed up looking like she was going on a date. I didn't understand this...so HE gets to move on, but SHE doesn't?!! WTF is that?!!

 

I told him that I would rather he cheated on me with some random person, but that the one thing he promised me was that he wouldn't come crawling back to her...by him going back to her it made me feel like I was just a placeholder....STILL HIS MISTRESS despite everything he had done. HE promised me he would never go back to her and that their relationship was tainted...HE promised this because EVERY day since he left he told me how guilty he felt thinking his kids would one day hate him for leaving. I told him every time it made me feel like he was regretting his decision and that I did not feel safe with him. He assured me he just needed time to get used to his situation.

 

If you've followed my thread you'll know we had gotten into SEVERAL fights about his W & the things she still did to try to break us up. During each fight he had thrown things around my apartment, slammed doors, hit walls with his fists. This was probably the 1st time he walked out looking truly sad and not angry. He said that he knew how I felt about "breaks", but that I was right and it's not fair to me if he's confused. He said he would talk to me soon after he thought things over and then he left.

 

The next morning I get a text. He tells me that he knows I must hate him, but that he doesn't ever want me thinking he never loved me. He tells me that he still does and he's sorry he's so confused and sorry for the pain he's caused me. A day later I ask him if he's reached a final decision and he said he's sorry, but he has. In short he tells me that he's still confused and that he "might" love her and that I was right and it's not fair until he figures out what his jealousy at her moving on means. He said he should've asked ME to leave HIM alone when he first left her, but he didn't and now everyone was hurt. I am at work and at lunch when he tells me all of this. I break down in tears in front of my co-worker/friend who tells me that he's not worth it and that I dodged a bullet if he could take my love and just turn on me like that.

 

That week at work was torture. I found myself feeling like I was on the verge of a panic attack and sometimes I had to leave the conference room we worked in just to catch my breath. My coworkers could see it on my face that something was wrong. I am SO grateful that I was not still freelancing at this time...I honestly think I would NOT have been able to get through that week if I was working at home. Everything in my apartment reminds me of him - the good times and the bad. It wasn't fair. He got to go home to his room (which I hadn't stayed at, only helped him drop things off), but I had to go home to my apartment with triggers left and right.

 

I think it was later that week that I checked his W's FB page. When he left she had changed her profile picture to only a pic of their children. Not even a week had passed that I'm guessing he called to tell her he wanted to try again and she put up their wedding pic as the profile pic. People commented on it "always and forever" and similar sentiments. It made me sick and had me breaking down in tears, especially the comment from J's mom since she had told him "your wife runs you" and his MOM encouraged him to divorce his W as soon as he left her. I called my aunt to tell her how crappy the FB pic made me feel...that he wasted no time crawling back to her and that it made me feel disposable. She told me not to give him any more of my tears and that they deserved each other and their toxic M.

[heartwhole]

I'm so sorry he has put you through all of this.

 

I can't imagine how difficult it must be to navigate all of this relationship stuff when you are also trying to integrate him into your daughter's life.

 

It's simply unfair how he's treated you, how every time he thinks he's losing you, he pulls you close, only to about face and do the same thing to his wife when he thinks he's losing her. The common advice on infidelity boards is for the betrayed spouse to do "the 180" . . . to stop chasing the wayward spouse and just focus on being fabulous themselves. Obviously it's common advice for a reason . . . it works because it plays on our tendency to want what we can't have and to be the one who chooses rather than the one without a choice. Their marriage does sound very toxic. If you can, try to remember that that's what you would get with him too. He's not a better or different person with a different partner. And you do have to protect yourself and your children from his fear that he might become abusive and his habit of punching walls.

 

Honestly, it doesn't sound to me like the months when you were dating openly were very happy. It should tell you something that it wasn't a "honeymoon" period for you. It was stressful and confusing. I imagine that a lot of OW wish they could have an opportunity for a proper relationship with the MM, just to see if it would work in the real world. You got that opportunity, and I hope that it can give you some closure to see that it wasn't all sunshine and roses. You were always unsettled by his relationship with his W, and I think that's because deep down you knew you couldn't trust him (or her).

 

Please don't be too hard on yourself. He put a lot of energy into convincing you that you should be an option for him. How nice for him! But his issues and fickleness have nothing to do with who you are. They're all about him.

[The Aftermath]

Nov. 2015: I tell my close friends about what happened that weekend. They tell me "good riddance" and say that now I can move forward. Despite being devastated I also (strangely) feel relieved and free. I don't know how to explain it and I know it doesn't make any sense. Tuesday night I get a text from J - he tells me that he knows I don't want to hear from him, but to please give him a 2nd chance as he has something important he wants to tell me. I agree to let him come over the next day to talk.

 

Wednesday morning he tells me that he's been a mess since everything went down on Sunday. On Monday they sent him home from work and on Tuesday he didn't come in at all. He told me that he's sorry he was weak and that he left her threats get to him. He asked me to give him a chance, that he wanted a relationship with me where he didn't have to lie/deceive people and he said he WAS going to leave. I tell him that I am very fearful of letting him into my life again after he was so wishy-washy and he says that he will show me that he means it and that he wants to give US a chance. When he left my apartment that day he came out to find his car was keyed. Not just a minor scratch...someone had doodled all over his car. I suspected it was his W, but he claimed she would NEVER do something like that. I told him I never thought I would ever cheat on my H either, but people do things when they are desperate. Over the next week he got a phone call from some "guy" claiming he was my BF. The text message told him J had better leave me alone or else. I was so frustrated when J told me about the text & asked me to SWEAR I didn't have some guy who was obsessed with me. I told him if he couldn't see that his W was behind this he was an idiot. I also was adamant my H would NEVER do something like that as he was a puppy dog & I know for a fact he did NOT know about J.

 

Mid-November 2015: J finds a room to rent (just a few streets down from me) and he moves out before her parents come home from their visit to their home country. I confided in a friend and told her that I was unsure about everything. I asked him not to leave his W for me and now I felt tremendous pressure to be with him since he claims part of the reason was to be with me. A few of my close friends turn on me at this point...they say he wouldn't have left despite his M being unhappy if I was not there for him. My BF told me it would be messed up to abandon him at this point -- that he took a leap of faith and wanted to try to be with me honestly. Despite my mixed feelings and serious concerns that he did not give himself time to mourn the loss of his M & leaving his kids - I agree to be with him.

 

Nov. 2015 - mid Feb. 2016: J and I are in a R, as much as two people can be considering we are both married (he left recently & I've been separated for 3 years). He tells me that during this time his W still calls him all the pet names; he asks her to stop. She hugs him goodbye when they exchange the kids; he asks her to stop because it makes him feel awkward. I know it's hard to trust what he's saying, but since he gave me the password to his phone, etc. I confirmed by reading what they both said. During this time she apologizes profusely for how she's treated him, says she went to their priest and confessed about all her wrongdoings, but he told her it was too late and he was sorry. He was so neutral all those months and even told her once that she needed to stop using the kids against him and that he left HER and not the kids. She said he had a new GF, who had his child...that he had "traded" them for us. Things remain neutral between them. She asks if she can see him without the kids and he tells her he's sorry, but no, as it wouldn't be right and that he's with someone else now.

 

Mid-February I read one of their convos as I noticed he seemed a bit distant and confused. He was still affectionate, but something was just off. In the convo she asked him why he drove off looking angry (they had just exchanged the kids). He said he wasn't, but then she pushed and he finally said "If you're dating someone you can just tell me. I deserve to know who is around my children". I confronted him about this text when he got out of the shower. I told him if he's still hung up on HER he had/has no business being with me. I told him this was my worst fear and it was one of the reasons I ended things with him. He said he was working up a way to tell me his feelings & that he was very confused by this. He said he asked himself a million times if he loved her before he left and the answer was "no" & that's why he doesn't understand why it upset him seeing her dressed up looking like she was going on a date. I didn't understand this...so HE gets to move on, but SHE doesn't?!! WTF is that?!!

 

I told him that I would rather he cheated on me with some random person, but that the one thing he promised me was that he wouldn't come crawling back to her...by him going back to her it made me feel like I was just a placeholder....STILL HIS MISTRESS despite everything he had done. HE promised me he would never go back to her and that their relationship was tainted...HE promised this because EVERY day since he left he told me how guilty he felt thinking his kids would one day hate him for leaving. I told him every time it made me feel like he was regretting his decision and that I did not feel safe with him. He assured me he just needed time to get used to his situation.

 

If you've followed my thread you'll know we had gotten into SEVERAL fights about his W & the things she still did to try to break us up. During each fight he had thrown things around my apartment, slammed doors, hit walls with his fists. This was probably the 1st time he walked out looking truly sad and not angry. He said that he knew how I felt about "breaks", but that I was right and it's not fair to me if he's confused. He said he would talk to me soon after he thought things over and then he left.

 

The next morning I get a text. He tells me that he knows I must hate him, but that he doesn't ever want me thinking he never loved me. He tells me that he still does and he's sorry he's so confused and sorry for the pain he's caused me. A day later I ask him if he's reached a final decision and he said he's sorry, but he has. In short he tells me that he's still confused and that he "might" love her and that I was right and it's not fair until he figures out what his jealousy at her moving on means. He said he should've asked ME to leave HIM alone when he first left her, but he didn't and now everyone was hurt. I am at work and at lunch when he tells me all of this. I break down in tears in front of my co-worker/friend who tells me that he's not worth it and that I dodged a bullet if he could take my love and just turn on me like that.

 

That week at work was torture. I found myself feeling like I was on the verge of a panic attack and sometimes I had to leave the conference room we worked in just to catch my breath. My coworkers could see it on my face that something was wrong. I am SO grateful that I was not still freelancing at this time...I honestly think I would NOT have been able to get through that week if I was working at home. Everything in my apartment reminds me of him - the good times and the bad. It wasn't fair. He got to go home to his room (which I hadn't stayed at, only helped him drop things off), but I had to go home to my apartment with triggers left and right.

 

I think it was later that week that I checked his W's FB page. When he left she had changed her profile picture to only a pic of their children. Not even a week had passed that I'm guessing he called to tell her he wanted to try again and she put up their wedding pic as the profile pic. People commented on it "always and forever" and similar sentiments. It made me sick and had me breaking down in tears, especially the comment from J's mom since she had told him "your wife runs you" and his MOM encouraged him to divorce his W as soon as he left her. I called my aunt to tell her how crappy the FB pic made me feel...that he wasted no time crawling back to her and that it made me feel disposable. She told me not to give him any more of my tears and that they deserved each other and their toxic M.

 

Mid-February is when we officially broke up. Aside from the letter I sent him the day after he broke up (his response was lukewarm/distant and said he had no words, only pain) and a brief convo on Hangouts re: the paternity test we go NC. I can't sleep through the night & wake up almost every morning with a tremendous feeling of loss and pain. It was only a few weeks ago he was holding me and telling me he loved me...and now, he's gone. Every day I don't see him or hear from him, it hurts (I'm so used to him texting and/or calling me ALL day, EVERY day), but at the same time I feel myself getting stronger. I am finally at the point where I feel like I can accept this is my reality and that while it's painful I CAN get over him. And then I notice that he has "Turned History Off" on Google Hangouts.

 

March 7, 2016: Sure enough he broke NC and that night he emails me & follows up with a message on Hangouts. He tells me that he left things at my door & that I should pick them up. I go outside and see that he returned my Xmas gift and my birthday gift to him. I tell him that he didn't have to return them, but he said he never deserved them like he never deserved me. Inside my birthday gift he had enclosed a handwritten letter and of course, reading it had me bawling like a baby -- It was the first time he expressed remorse for anything that he had done...it was the 1st time since he was distant the day after the break-up that he sounded LIKE HIMSELF.

 

March 10th: He ended up behind me on the road on the way home from work. We both live in the foothills so once most of the traffic clears there's a specific way to get to our homes. It was torture and if I didn't have my aunt/my girls waiting for me inside my apartment I would've broken down in tears. Now *I* broke NC - I messaged him that I was tempted to pour myself a drink as he bought me flavored Vodka the same week we broke up. He told me he was already drinking and that he cried himself the rest of the way home after seeing me for the 1st time since we broke up. Despite not wanting to show him weakness I asked him "Why did you do this to us?" He told me he still loved me, but he had to try and fix things. He said he has never felt so low in his life, that he doesn't know why he continues to hurt people that he loves and this is why he didn't feel life was worth living.

 

March 14th: I end up behind him on the way to work. I am shaking as I always do when I end up behind/in front of/near him on the road. I pretend I don't notice him, but I see him looking in his rearview mirror. His car is custom so it's unique; he knows I've seen him.

 

March 15th: I end up behind him on the way home from work. When he was living with his wife's parents he was actually just at the bottom of the hill from me. When he moved out he was only a few streets over from me. And once I got my new job (end of January) I found out I was only 1 exit down from where he has been working for the past 5 years. I figure this must be some cosmic joke that he lives and works in such close proximity.

 

I see him take a different side street to get home, but when I get home I call up my close friend. I am parked in front of my apartment, sitting in my car, in tears & ask her how I am ever going to be okay? I tell her I haven't had panic attacks yet the way I did when my H first left, but I feel like I'm on the verge. I want to move on and not be affected by seeing him. All of a sudden there is a knock on my car door: it's him. I hang up with my friend and he helps me out of my car & holds me. I asked him wth he is doing there. He told me that the last time he saw me we fought/things were so negative & that it was so hard for him seeing me in traffic & that I always looked so pretty. He said "I noticed you're starting to wear your hair up" (he always told me he liked it that way, even though I preferred my hair down). I took out my claw clip and threw it in the car and hid behind my hair.

 

I told him my aunt would be home with the girls at any time so I preferred to talk to him by HIS car. As we walked to the car he told me he left a 2nd letter at my door inside the recycling he left for my aunt who turns them in. I said I never got it so my teen must have thrown it away. He told me he'd been trying to go to a store he knows I frequent and that the previous week he walked there in the rain, but I wasn't home (I'm guessing this is because his W drives by sometimes to make sure he's home). He told me he always looks for my car in traffic. He told me today was their 1st day of MC and that it didn't go well. He said that he told her he still loves me. He said he wasn't sure what was going to happen with them, but that I "shouldn't worry because he wouldn't bother me if it didn't". This was the 2nd time he said that & I never understood it as I never asked him to come back.

 

During the entire time he was holding my hand, hugging me, calling me "babe" and "honey" again and telling me he loved me. I asked him bother telling me you love me?! I asked him "What do you want me to do with that, because in the end you are still with HER?!" He told me he wants to talk to me, but she's "hawking" him (monitoring). She texted him during this time as their son had an after school even Tues/Thur. I asked him why he wasn't there & he said he didn't feel like seeing her. He left a short while later as he kept stressing she could be driving by his place to see if he's home. I was finally starting to feel OK with our break-up, but after he showed up at my apartment and seeing him more on the road I was just a mess.

[heartwhole]

I think he'll just keep ping-ponging between the two of you unless you put a stop to it. Now he's with her and he wants you again . . . as soon as she pulls away or dresses up nicely, he'll want her again . . .

 

It's a vicious cycle. I hope you can find the strength to break it by saying, "No thanks, I want off this ride!"

[amomwhoknows]

Without a doubt, you need to find a way to get as far removed from him as possible.

 

This isn't going to end well for you. He has 18 years of coparenting left with her. Unless you want him to leave his kids, I think you will never find any kind of peace with him. P

 

Can you move --even neighborhoods?

 

Even if this marriage ends, this guy isn't anyone I would hook by future on. At all. Ever.

 

Why either of you (the wife and you) are fighting over him is beyond me. Considerate yourself fortunate that it won't take a court to dissolve this relationship.

 

If this was happening to your girls, what would you advise them to do?

Edited April 4, 2016 by amomwhoknows

[Sassy Girl]

Meanwhile... What steps have you taken to move forward?

[The Aftermath]

Sorry, everyone! I had more to post and I know many will be disappointed with me as I'm so disappointed in myself.

 

I'm going to try again & hopefully it doesn't get lost again this time before I get to post it.

[Sassy Girl]

I think we got the picture. You're back in the affair. The pages of drama you've just written us all supposed to help justify where you are today.

To be honest I didn't read all te history. Too long. All the usual drama that affairs are filled with ...

 

 

Meanwhile... What are you doing about fixing your mess with the realvictims - your ex and your daughter. All this effort is just wasted energy that would be best placed righting your wrongs.

Edited April 4, 2016 by Sassy Girl

[The Aftermath]

March 17th: I see him again on the way home from work - he had come from behind and pulled up beside me until I noticed he was trying to catch my eye. I break NC when I get home and message him on Hangouts to say I'm sorry for not acknowledging him because I was on the phone/Bluetooth with my BF. Right then he calls me via Hangouts & says not to mention "seeing him" even if it's while in our cars. All of a sudden I hear kids in the background and a female says "Hello?". I ask if he's at a party & he says "no, I'm in my room". I realize that when he called me she was suddenly on the call & must've been logged into his Hangouts account. She was at their son's gym while he was at home & she ended up on a 3-way call with us when he called me. I hang up and she tries calling me back 3 times. I assume she is going to call him about calling me and don't expect to hear from him again.

 

Friday, March 18th: I am at work and get a Hangouts message from him. He asks if he can pick up his boxes (he left some things at my apartment & I told him in a previous message to pick them up before I move in October) & if he can come over to talk about the paternity test. I tell him I have plans that night, but I'll call him and let him know. Later that night before I get ready to go out I give him back a few of his things (not the boxes as they were huge/heavy things that I could not bring). He meets me outside my apartment as I figured that was safer. He reeks of booze & looks like he's been crying, but he won't talk about it. I ask him about the 2nd letter he wrote me that my teen accidentally threw away (I couldn't help it, I HAD to know what it said) and he told me he had a rough draft still at his place. I told him I'll drive by in a minute then to pick it up before I get ready.

 

So I meet him outside the room he rents and we are talking in the street near my car. I told him my H is still not talking to me, but I am trying so I can tell him everything. His landlord comes out and he puts on a happy face and introduces me to his LL. When the landlord leaves he told me he feels like he's become a pro at putting on a happy face at work when inside he feels like falling apart. We talk a bit more (keeping physically far away from each other), but at one point he tells me I had better leave because he "really wants to kiss me right now". Before I leave we are hugging each other and our foreheads are pressed together and he starts kissing me. I am confused & startled by this of course and I pull away. He apologizes and says that he's sorry, that he shouldn't have done that, but then he starts kissing me again...and I kiss him back. I end up walking him back to his room and I slept with him. During it all his wife messaged "babe" and then "helloooooo" and when he still didn't answer & while I was getting dressed she texted something about how she would drive over there right now since he wasn't responding.

 

March 18th-24th: We don't talk about anything that happened. He supposedly is "trying to be honest" by not putting an App on his phone that allows him to message me without her seeing. She could check the phone records anyway & see that he texted me. On Thursday the 24th he messaged me via Hangouts and said "Hi, just confirming for tomorrow". I still could NOT believe his W was okay with him coming over to get his boxes. I told him I'd call him during lunch because I couldn't text. When I called him I asked how in the he!! she was okay with him coming over. He said "I don't know what YOU had in mind, but I was just going to get my things, talk to you about the test & then go." He then mentioned his W wanted to go to dinner that night, but I told him I wasn't going to kill myself speeding home to accommodate his schedule & he could come over after dinner with her.

 

Friday, March 25th: I am nervous the whole day because I do not trust myself with him after what happened the week before. He KNOWS I still love him. My BF was so upset with me for giving in to him...she said I was just like his W, showing him there were NO consequences to him hurting me. I told her about the phone call & said that he seemed like he was uncomfortable being there since he claimed he wanted to get his boxes & take off. My BF said that her hubby heard our convo & that he didn't believe J...he said that if he respected his W AT ALL he would've asked a friend to pick the boxes up or he would've asked me to leave them just outside my door for him. Her hubby said that if J was serious about making things work with his W he would not risk anything by seeing me.

 

10pm that night I get a call from J. He asks if it's okay to come over now. He sounded like he just woke up & I asked if he already went to dinner with his W. He said he went to sleep & didn't go anywhere. I asked what happened & he didn't want to talk about it. (I'm assuming she got upset he was still coming to see me since she knows I'm alone on Fridays & they fought). J came over and I let him in. I was dressed up because I had plans that night. He told me I looked beautiful and asked if I was going on a date. I told him he couldn't possibly think I was the type to hop from one guy to the next and even IF I was going on a date why does he care?! He walked away towards the other end of my living room and wiped at his eyes.

 

He stood just looking at me, which of course made me nervous. I ended up taking out the Vodka he bought me a month ago and poured us shots to calm my nerves. He said he'd already been drinking, but had some anyway. He then sat on my couch. The entire time I'm thinking "Didn't he say he just wanted to get his boxes & tell me quickly his plan for the test?!" I asked him what he wanted to tell me about the test and he said "I think we should find a center that can do the test on Saturday since you and I both work and we are busy during the week." I was thinking WTF, that's IT?!! I figured he made an appointment already, had a plan as to who would be there (just him, he and his W, etc), but that was it.

 

I didn't know what else to say so I asked him if he's been going out and all, seeing their friends (her friends are his only friends, really). He said he hasn't been hanging out with anyone unless she asks to go out or having outings with their kids. At one point he hugged me and said "I want you to know that I am so sorry for all the pain I've caused you." I told him again it means nothing and if he really loved me he wouldn't have done what he did, run back to her etc, without a thought for how I'd feel. He told me I was crazy if I thought he's forgotten about me and that everything in his room reminds him, etc.

 

While he was saying all of this it was the first time I actually felt NUMB, not sad to hear it. Normally hearing him tell me he loves me and he's in pain would have me in tears...I don't know if it was the alcohol or me just being tired of the situation, but I didn't feel. Eventually we ended up kissing each other and before I knew it we were on my living room floor and I ended up sleeping with him AGAIN. During I heard him blame me saying something Like "why did you have to start kissing me" (NOT sure if this is true, but if it was he didn't stop me) & he also said "I'm weak when it comes to you". I was inebriated, but I do remember asking him if he truly only intended to pick up his boxes & tell me about the test (since what he had to say about the test was ONE sentence). I think he mumbled that it was also a way he could see me.