He showed up at my apartment today and now I'm a mess

[heartwhole]

I think we got the picture. You're back in the affair. The pages of drama you've just written us all supposed to help justify where you are today.

To be honest I didn't read all te history. Too long. All the usual drama that affairs are filled with ...

 

 

Meanwhile... What are you doing about fixing your mess with the realvictims - your ex and your daughter. All this effort is just wasted energy that would be best placed righting your wrongs.

 

Sometimes you need to write things out to see them clearly. It's not wasted energy if it helps you process it and, eventually, figure out why you've been doing what you've been doing and what you can do differently going forward.

 

From what the OP has said, she has been separated for three full years. I don't know why they're not officially divorced but it does not sound like they are married in anything but name.

 

It's not clear to me, though, if her ex knows about the daughter's paternity. Does he? Are you getting child support from MM?

[bathtub-row]

I'm guessing that you believe that all the cute little cosmic coincidences must mean something; like the two of you are meant to be, or something along those lines.

 

I'll save you the suspense. If the two of you were meant to be, the situation would look completely differently. You're hooked on the drama, even though you probably tell yourself that you're not. You're in love with love; with someone you can't have.

 

The truth is, one day you're going to look back and realize that there's nothing cute or wonderful about this relationship. All you're going to see are the years and energy it took from you.

[Sassy Girl]

Sometimes you need to write things out to see them clearly. It's not wasted energy if it helps you process it and, eventually, figure out why you've been doing what you've been doing and what you can do differently going forward.

 

From what the OP has said, she has been separated for three full years. I don't know why they're not officially divorced but it does not sound like they are married in anything but name.

 

It's not clear to me, though, if her ex knows about the daughter's paternity. Does he? Are you getting child support from MM?

 

Her ex does not know that she isn't biologically his and has been paying child support for her for 3 years... As well as raising her the 5(?) years before that.

 

MM is paying nothing and knows it's his daughter. As does his wife, his family. Her ex husbands brother and sister in law and pretty much all of OPs friends. It seems everyone except the ex and the daughter know.

 

OP can't extract herself from the drama and is replaying and reliving it rather than moving forward and fixing her mess. She is stalling. And she seems addicted to the drama.

Edited April 4, 2016 by Sassy Girl

[MidnightBlue1980]

March 17th:

 

He stood just looking at me, which of course made me nervous. I ended up taking out the Vodka he bought me a month ago and poured us shots to calm my nerves. He said he'd already been drinking, but had some anyway. He then sat on my couch. The entire time I'm thinking "Didn't he say he just wanted to get his boxes & tell me quickly his plan for the test?!" I asked him what he wanted to tell me about the test and he said "I think we should find a center that can do the test on Saturday since you and I both work and we are busy during the week." I was thinking WTF, that's IT?!! I figured he made an appointment already, had a plan as to who would be there (just him, he and his W, etc), but that was it.

 

I didn't know what else to say so I asked him if he's been going out and all, seeing their friends (her friends are his only friends, really). He said he hasn't been hanging out with anyone unless she asks to go out or having outings with their kids. At one point he hugged me and said "I want you to know that I am so sorry for all the pain I've caused you." I told him again it means nothing and if he really loved me he wouldn't have done what he did, run back to her etc, without a thought for how I'd feel. He told me I was crazy if I thought he's forgotten about me and that everything in his room reminds him, etc.

 

While he was saying all of this it was the first time I actually felt NUMB, not sad to hear it. Normally hearing him tell me he loves me and he's in pain would have me in tears...I don't know if it was the alcohol or me just being tired of the situation, but I didn't feel. Eventually we ended up kissing each other and before I knew it we were on my living room floor and I ended up sleeping with him AGAIN. During I heard him blame me saying something Like "why did you have to start kissing me" (NOT sure if this is true, but if it was he didn't stop me) & he also said "I'm weak when it comes to you". I was inebriated, but I do remember asking him if he truly only intended to pick up his boxes & tell me about the test (since what he had to say about the test was ONE sentence). I think he mumbled that it was also a way he could see me.

 

I feel for you. I went through this for 3 years except I didn't have his child but he was separated for 6 months living with me and then did some weird hybrid secret separation thing. I went through a lot of the stuff you are talking about. A lot of dramatics, hysteria, major passion. In the end the only way I could get away was to quit my job and move. He helped me pack. Looking back it was the most destructive relationship I've ever been in and he lied to everyone. That was 11 years ago and I found him on FB recently - he never actually divorced, they are still together. I was not his first and I am sure I was not his last.

[whichwayisup]

I'm guessing that you believe that all the cute little cosmic coincidences must mean something; like the two of you are meant to be, or something along those lines.

 

I'll save you the suspense. If the two of you were meant to be, the situation would look completely differently. You're hooked on the drama, even though you probably tell yourself that you're not. You're in love with love; with someone you can't have.

 

The truth is, one day you're going to look back and realize that there's nothing cute or wonderful about this relationship. All you're going to see are the years and energy it took from you.

 

I have to agree with this.

 

J is selfishly screwing you over. He doesn't know WTF he wants, he's just going with whatever he feels at the time and running with it. Doesn't respect you, doesn't respect his wife. That's for sure! He is in marriage counseling and has ended things with you, yet he won't leave you alone. His wife is checking up on him, he's lying to her, lying to you, he's probably lying to himself as well!

 

Only way out is for you to end it. Come clean with your H about everything, let the chips fall where they may, and go from there. If you continue to let J manipulate you and whisper sweet nothings in your ears, nothing will change and this emotional roller coaster you're on will continue on and on and on until you have a nervous break down.

[Ophelia25]

I think we got the picture. You're back in the affair. The pages of drama you've just written us all supposed to help justify where you are today.

To be honest I didn't read all te history. Too long. All the usual drama that affairs are filled with ...

 

 

Meanwhile... What are you doing about fixing your mess with the realvictims - your ex and your daughter. All this effort is just wasted energy that would be best placed righting your wrongs.

 

Interesting. Seems not very helpful to say "your affair is like everyone else's," though I do understand. It's hard to read long passages of thoughts and emotions. Still, this is the place to do it, no? I have such mixed feelings about this forum. On the one hand, it's not like I have anywhere else to go. People in affairs are often really, really alone. So it's kind of a gift to know there's somewhere to vent and occasionally get some support. On the other hand, it's such an odd mix of "we are not the NC police and yet we are going to criticize your every mistake" and "I am so young and confused and can't write and so sad because this married dude keeps looking at me" that I'm not sure what is real and what's not. I do find comfort in people who have gone through what I am. And I don't think all these cheater people need coddling and kudos, we are stupid and wrong.

 

But we do need listening and understanding. And taking the time to reply in order to say, "sorry I didn't read your posts because they are like everyone else's" seems dismissive and not constructive. Maybe just ignore the post then? That seems to work ok.

 

I hate that anyone on here is going through any of this. They are horrible messes and so full of blame. Does blame ever help? It's like everyone who posts on here knows they are blameworthy. They messed up. But often, they messed up because they have feelings for someone they cannot control. They have thoughts they need to get out. Many of them are seeking therapy and professional help. It would be nice if here, people could find a listening ear and encouragement. Even "tough" advice can be given constuctively, can't it?

 

Sorry for the rant. I'm trying to get to my first therapy session without losing it, and keep turning to his forum and being increasingly more disappointed. I don't want a pat on the back, I deserve reality. But kind reality, because I'm still a sad, confused, and very much in love person who doesn't want to hurt anyone but wants to be happy. As we all are. Does anyone know if other, more supportive forums? Is this one of many?

Edited April 4, 2016 by Ophelia25

[ChickiePops]

You keep trying to paint this as some epic romantic tale of starcrossed lovers but it's not. I know you want sympathy and 'no negativity' but seriously, enough is enough. Fool me once...this guy has fooled you countless times already. What you see as a tender love making session while he tearfully packs up his belongings and goes back to his beast of a wife, everyone else sees as him getting one last bang in before he goes and snuggles his wife and family. There's certainly nothing romantic about that.

 

Not to mention the gigantic sword of Damacles that's hanging over your daughter and ex-husbands heads. Everyone knows the truth but them..you really and truly think it won't slip out somewhere? MM has kids too..what if they find out and tell your daughter at school? That is life-ruining material right there.

 

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and this woman, his wife, has been scorned like no other. Now don't get me wrong, I have no respect for her either for taking this walking, talking lump of loser back who knows how many times, but still. She may be sad but she still has the moral high ground in this particular mess.

 

This isn't a romance, it's a tragedy. Be the bigger person and end the cycle of crazy.

 

I'm sorry I cannot give you the coddling you're looking for and I will bow out of this thread now. I know you're no fan of mine. I will encourage you to keep posting though, perhaps confessing all of this in writing will snap you into action to begin fixing this.

[The Aftermath]

I think he'll just keep ping-ponging between the two of you unless you put a stop to it. Now he's with her and he wants you again . . . as soon as she pulls away or dresses up nicely, he'll want her again . . .

 

It's a vicious cycle. I hope you can find the strength to break it by saying, "No thanks, I want off this ride!"

 

My BF warned me of this as well when I admitted to her what happened. I told her he was so cold when we broke it off that I really didn't expect any of this to happen. She said that she saw it coming with him being so confused and still telling me he loved me. She said what another poster said previously - that he wants the one he's NOT with - & that he's highly motivated by jealousy...in hindsight this is also why he probably rushed to leave back in October when he hurt me and I told him [male friend] would do a good job helping me get over him.

 

Without a doubt, you need to find a way to get as far removed from him as possible.

 

This isn't going to end well for you. He has 18 years of coparenting left with her. Unless you want him to leave his kids, I think you will never find any kind of peace with him. P

 

Can you move --even neighborhoods?

 

Even if this marriage ends, this guy isn't anyone I would hook by future on. At all. Ever.

 

Why either of you (the wife and you) are fighting over him is beyond me. Considerate yourself fortunate that it won't take a court to dissolve this relationship.

 

If this was happening to your girls, what would you advise them to do?

 

I NEVER wanted him to leave his kids and I witnessed first hand the guilt he had over doing so. This is why I have been researching places to move to when my lease is up this October...not just different neighborhoods, but I have been talking to my BF about moving to different parts of our state as she's familiar with it (her hubby is in the military/they moved often). And you're right...I have been told several times I should consider myself lucky that I am not stuck with a cheating husband. I know it's not rational to love someone who hurt you over and over again.

 

I think we got the picture. You're back in the affair. The pages of drama you've just written us all supposed to help justify where you are today.

To be honest I didn't read all te history. Too long. All the usual drama that affairs are filled with ...

 

Meanwhile... What are you doing about fixing your mess with the realvictims - your ex and your daughter. All this effort is just wasted energy that would be best placed righting your wrongs.

 

Hi Sassy Girl! I forgot that you were one of my biggest supporters. J/K I held off on posting an update exactly because I didn't feel like getting reamed by strangers on the internet, but I did so on the advice of a few posters who asked me to post an update. I guess it was too long, but I don't know how else to explain what happened without telling it as it happened. I am sorry that you find my posts so offensive and if you detest me that much you can always choose to ignore my posts.

 

To address your comments - I actually don't feel like I am back in the A (even if technically I am). I feel like both of us were just consumed with grief and made a stupid decision because we can't let each other go. I haven't contacted him & he hasn't contacted me this entire week that both our kids are on Spring Break. I do feel that both times it was a mistake sleeping with him & I think he probably feels that way, too, and maybe he has really committed to trying to reconcile? I won't know as I haven't asked him.

 

Her ex does not know that she isn't biologically his and has been paying child support for her for 3 years... As well as raising her the 5(?) years before that.

 

MM is paying nothing and knows it's his daughter. As does his wife, his family. Her ex husbands brother and sister in law and pretty much all of OPs friends. It seems everyone except the ex and the daughter know.

 

OP can't extract herself from the drama and is replaying and reliving it rather than moving forward and fixing her mess. She is stalling. And she seems addicted to the drama.

 

Since you know so much about me I can always step aside and let you tell my story for me?

 

exH suspected DD wasn't his, but is in deep denial. BIL talked to him about the fact that DD doesn't look like H & DD was conceived during the time of the A and exH said if she WASN'T his he does not want to know. In any case, H finally is talking to me again and I have asked him to schedule a time to come over so we can talk about J. H's own family AND my family have asked me never to tell H and DD that he isn't her bio dad, but despite everyone's concerns on how he will handle it emotionally (everyone is concerned about him having a breakdown) I DO feel that both he and DD (when she's older) deserve to know.

 

J offered to help me financially (right after the break-up), but at that time I just told him I would talk to him about CS later because I wasn't in the right frame of mind to talk about such things. He told me last week he was going to schedule the test (as I told him I will be busy at work after 1st week of April), but we haven't discussed anything further after the last time I saw him. I am trying not to contact him until he contacts me about the test. Once exH knows and the 3rd party DNA test is done I do plan to have J pay CS for DD so exH will stop.

 

Sometimes you need to write things out to see them clearly. It's not wasted energy if it helps you process it and, eventually, figure out why you've been doing what you've been doing and what you can do differently going forward.

 

From what the OP has said, she has been separated for three full years. I don't know why they're not officially divorced but it does not sound like they are married in anything but name.

 

It's not clear to me, though, if her ex knows about the daughter's paternity. Does he? Are you getting child support from MM?

 

Heartwhole - We have been separated over 3 years now. H said he was planning on divorcing me several months ago (after a fight). He told me to expect someone at my door with papers, but it never happened. We have talked about dating and he said to at least give him the courtesy of telling him. He told SIL it will kill him if I ever see someone else, but that he wants me to be happy. I haven't initiated the divorce because if I did it I would immediately be excommunicated from my church.

 

I'm guessing that you believe that all the cute little cosmic coincidences must mean something; like the two of you are meant to be, or something along those lines.

 

I'll save you the suspense. If the two of you were meant to be, the situation would look completely differently. You're hooked on the drama, even though you probably tell yourself that you're not. You're in love with love; with someone you can't have.

 

The truth is, one day you're going to look back and realize that there's nothing cute or wonderful about this relationship. All you're going to see are the years and energy it took from you.

 

At one point during the A I did wonder if he was back in my life as a blessing or a painful lesson. I learned that obviously he was the latter. The cosmic forces I was talking about was the fact that he happened to live and work close to me and now I feel like my pain is being thrown in my face several times a week when I run into him in traffic.

 

I don't believe that we are destined to be together or he wouldn't have left and hurt me like he did. I might be grieving and my love for him might be irrational, but I don't feel that I'm delusional. I am already regretting the past year that I invested in him & the energy and power he still has over me whenever I shed a tear over him or question my worth.

 

I feel for you. I went through this for 3 years except I didn't have his child but he was separated for 6 months living with me and then did some weird hybrid secret separation thing. I went through a lot of the stuff you are talking about. A lot of dramatics, hysteria, major passion. In the end the only way I could get away was to quit my job and move. He helped me pack. Looking back it was the most destructive relationship I've ever been in and he lied to everyone. That was 11 years ago and I found him on FB recently - he never actually divorced, they are still together. I was not his first and I am sure I was not his last.

 

Midnight- I'm so sorry for all you went through. This is a different guy than your MM, right? After my experience with J I realize now why my divorced and single friends tell me they will NEVER get involved with someone who is separated or recently divorced. I am also confused as to why J continues to stay in his M and claims to be working on it. I don't think his W would appreciate him spending her/their money on MC while he is still finding ways to be in contact with me (handwritten letters, showing up at my apartment) and with him recently sleeping with me. I won't be the one to tell her even though my friend has encouraged me to do so (I think she is just upset that both his W & I have "allowed him to get away with it all"). I think that is on HIM to tell her the truth.

[The Aftermath]

I'm so sorry he has put you through all of this.

 

I can't imagine how difficult it must be to navigate all of this relationship stuff when you are also trying to integrate him into your daughter's life.

 

It's simply unfair how he's treated you, how every time he thinks he's losing you, he pulls you close, only to about face and do the same thing to his wife when he thinks he's losing her. The common advice on infidelity boards is for the betrayed spouse to do "the 180" . . . to stop chasing the wayward spouse and just focus on being fabulous themselves. Obviously it's common advice for a reason . . . it works because it plays on our tendency to want what we can't have and to be the one who chooses rather than the one without a choice. Their marriage does sound very toxic. If you can, try to remember that that's what you would get with him too. He's not a better or different person with a different partner. And you do have to protect yourself and your children from his fear that he might become abusive and his habit of punching walls.

 

Honestly, it doesn't sound to me like the months when you were dating openly were very happy. It should tell you something that it wasn't a "honeymoon" period for you. It was stressful and confusing. I imagine that a lot of OW wish they could have an opportunity for a proper relationship with the MM, just to see if it would work in the real world. You got that opportunity, and I hope that it can give you some closure to see that it wasn't all sunshine and roses. You were always unsettled by his relationship with his W, and I think that's because deep down you knew you couldn't trust him (or her).

 

Please don't be too hard on yourself. He put a lot of energy into convincing you that you should be an option for him. How nice for him! But his issues and fickleness have nothing to do with who you are. They're all about him.

 

Heartwhole - I missed this post of yours because I was still working at posting my update (in sections, unfortunately, and I guess it ended up being a novel). I truly appreciate hearing your feedback and the fact that you can remain neutral despite being a BS. You are right - that I got to see all sides of him during the few months we were in a "relationship". He was very volatile and I felt like ending it more than once (my BF got tired of me telling her about his tantrums - she said it was disrespectful & she worried one day he might hit ME).

 

I agree with you that he will likely take his issues back with him to the M and that MC won't do any good until he fixes himself. Not my concern now, I know, but it's hard to think about it. It makes me feel like crap that he got to use me and he goes back to his family like nothing ever happened. I had a session with my IC this past Friday and she asked me if I ever thought about the fact that maybe I'm trying to save him. I was talking to her about how I was a positive influence in his life and how he made small (insignificant to most, but huge for him) changes that showed he might actually work on his anger issues. What she said really made me think...my dad and Uncle (who lived with us) had anger issues as well, threw tantrums, Dad punched my door once when I was a kid and my Uncle regularly emotionally abused me and my brother. Maybe I am just used to seeing broken people that it doesn't phase me anymore. I know I must be broken myself to even allow myself to get into this mess.

[bathtub-row]

xMM and I had some crazy, inexplicable connections at times. It was truly uncanny. But in the end, it meant nothing. Just two people connected for some bizarre reason. And that's the end of it.

 

We can give significance to things that mean nothing at all, and waste a lot of our life doing it. I'm glad you recognize that there's too much pain involved for this relationship to be a blessing or a benefit to you. Please stop letting yourself get sucked in over and over again. Please stop being impressed by him pursuing you; and please stop thinking it means something. It doesn't. It's just him being hurtful and selfish. That's all. He's a wolf in sheep's clothing. He makes his behavior look sweet and romantic and benevolent, but it's anything but that.

[Ophelia25]

xMM and I had some crazy, inexplicable connections at times. It was truly uncanny. But in the end, it meant nothing. Just two people connected for some bizarre reason. And that's the end of it.

 

We can give significance to things that mean nothing at all, and waste a lot of our life doing it. I'm glad you recognize that there's too much pain involved for this relationship to be a blessing or a benefit to you. Please stop letting yourself get sucked in over and over again. Please stop being impressed by him pursuing you; and please stop thinking it means something. It doesn't. It's just him being hurtful and selfish. That's all. He's a wolf in sheep's clothing. He makes his behavior look sweet and romantic and benevolent, but it's anything but that.

 

This is what I mean. Good, helpful, real advice without being hurtful. So true. Not sure how OP feels about this, but this helps me tremendously. Thank you.

[The Aftermath]

xMM and I had some crazy, inexplicable connections at times. It was truly uncanny. But in the end, it meant nothing. Just two people connected for some bizarre reason. And that's the end of it.

 

We can give significance to things that mean nothing at all, and waste a lot of our life doing it. I'm glad you recognize that there's too much pain involved for this relationship to be a blessing or a benefit to you. Please stop letting yourself get sucked in over and over again. Please stop being impressed by him pursuing you; and please stop thinking it means something. It doesn't. It's just him being hurtful and selfish. That's all. He's a wolf in sheep's clothing. He makes his behavior look sweet and romantic and benevolent, but it's anything but that.

 

It's nice to know it's not just me. I truly loved my H, but as I mentioned when I first posted about my situation I have never felt the same connection that I have with J. For me it's not some A fog because I don't feel the way I did when I was cheating on my H...I have been separated and he told me I am free to date (although I know it would kill him if the person I chose to date was J. I think he'd want it to be anyone BUT J). I have also seen J at his worst, but I have seen how much good he has in him to.

 

Regardless of what anyone here believes or thinks of me I DO want to be rid of him and the influence he has on me. I feel tied to him because of DD and that's why I came here for advice because I waffled between asking him to leave both of us alone (for my sanity, so I don't get sucked back in, to protect her from him), but I also feel that DD deserves to know him and that I should allow him to see her if he chooses to. I just want to be the way I was before I ran into him again...strong, independent, HAPPY...not this emotional wreck that I am now.

[66Charger]

This, by far, is the worse story I have ever read on LS, and thats saying alot.

 

Never mind. I withdraw from the battle.

 

The curtain is yours.

[The Aftermath]

Interesting. Seems not very helpful to say "your affair is like everyone else's," though I do understand. It's hard to read long passages of thoughts and emotions. Still, this is the place to do it, no? I have such mixed feelings about this forum. On the one hand, it's not like I have anywhere else to go. People in affairs are often really, really alone. So it's kind of a gift to know there's somewhere to vent and occasionally get some support. On the other hand, it's such an odd mix of "we are not the NC police and yet we are going to criticize your every mistake" and "I am so young and confused and can't write and so sad because this married dude keeps looking at me" that I'm not sure what is real and what's not. I do find comfort in people who have gone through what I am. And I don't think all these cheater people need coddling and kudos, we are stupid and wrong.

 

But we do need listening and understanding. And taking the time to reply in order to say, "sorry I didn't read your posts because they are like everyone else's" seems dismissive and not constructive. Maybe just ignore the post then? That seems to work ok.

 

I hate that anyone on here is going through any of this. They are horrible messes and so full of blame. Does blame ever help? It's like everyone who posts on here knows they are blameworthy. They messed up. But often, they messed up because they have feelings for someone they cannot control. They have thoughts they need to get out. Many of them are seeking therapy and professional help. It would be nice if here, people could find a listening ear and encouragement. Even "tough" advice can be given constuctively, can't it?

 

Sorry for the rant. I'm trying to get to my first therapy session without losing it, and keep turning to his forum and being increasingly more disappointed. I don't want a pat on the back, I deserve reality. But kind reality, because I'm still a sad, confused, and very much in love person who doesn't want to hurt anyone but wants to be happy. As we all are. Does anyone know if other, more supportive forums? Is this one of many?

 

I know EXACTLY how you feel and as you can see I posted my update and it took all of 2 seconds for people to rip me apart. I will admit it is hard to open up when you know that people will accuse you of not being genuine, or addicted to the drama, etc. No one else really knows my life except for me because I am living it. I can't even begin to put into words the amount of pain I've experienced in the past 2 weeks since he initiated contact again...I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I DO want help moving past this...AND past HIM. I wouldn't still be in IC if I didn't want to keep improving myself as a person. Please keep posting. As others have said not everyone will be so quick to tear you to shreds. I've found many here who DO offer constructive criticism without veiled rage/anger and many who will show you empathy even when you yourself don't feel you deserve it.

 

You keep trying to paint this as some epic romantic tale of starcrossed lovers but it's not. I know you want sympathy and 'no negativity' but seriously, enough is enough. Fool me once...this guy has fooled you countless times already. What you see as a tender love making session while he tearfully packs up his belongings and goes back to his beast of a wife, everyone else sees as him getting one last bang in before he goes and snuggles his wife and family. There's certainly nothing romantic about that.

 

Not to mention the gigantic sword of Damacles that's hanging over your daughter and ex-husbands heads. Everyone knows the truth but them..you really and truly think it won't slip out somewhere? MM has kids too..what if they find out and tell your daughter at school? That is life-ruining material right there.

 

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and this woman, his wife, has been scorned like no other. Now don't get me wrong, I have no respect for her either for taking this walking, talking lump of loser back who knows how many times, but still. She may be sad but she still has the moral high ground in this particular mess.

 

This isn't a romance, it's a tragedy. Be the bigger person and end the cycle of crazy.

 

I'm sorry I cannot give you the coddling you're looking for and I will bow out of this thread now. I know you're no fan of mine. I will encourage you to keep posting though, perhaps confessing all of this in writing will snap you into action to begin fixing this.

 

Re: the "no fan of mine" comment...I feel bad reading that as I am sure most people who post here mean well & I most certainly don't hate you. I just feel like I am attacked for posting my thoughts, feelings, things I've done. I have admitted several times that I am confused in my own way as I am still indecisive about what actions to take regarding H and DD. It's not that I don't know WHAT actions I could take...wanting to do something and actually doing it are 2 different things.

 

I feel like some people who have posted on my thread in the past have laundry listed things for me to do, but it's just not that simple, especially when no one knows the people involved in real life as I do. I know it should be as simple as "tell your exH, he deserves to know" (and I don't disagree), but would someone in my shoes not think twice when he has begun to starve himself and lost 6 lbs in the 2 weeks he just SUSPECTED I was dating someone (because DD told him about the zoo). It's just not all black & white and I really just wish people would see that.

 

This is what I mean. Good, helpful, real advice without being hurtful. So true. Not sure how OP feels about this, but this helps me tremendously. Thank you.

 

Ophelia - Yes, I do find posts like this helpful and I appreciate it when people can post feedback (whether it's in my favor or not) without raging at me or being condescending. I don't post as an OW expecting a pat on the back...I am sure we all know that we are wrong, but as you know we can't always help who we fall in love with and I am just so sorry that I made such a poor choice to get involved with this man.

 

This, by far, is the worse story I have ever read on LS, and thats saying alot.

 

Never mind. I withdraw from the battle.

 

The curtain is yours.

 

I wish this was just a "story" and not my life. Thanks for posting.

[sunburned]

Please stop letting yourself get sucked in over and over again. Please stop being impressed by him pursuing you; and please stop thinking it means something. It doesn't. It's just him being hurtful and selfish. That's all. He's a wolf in sheep's clothing. He makes his behavior look sweet and romantic and benevolent, but it's anything but that.

 

These are spot-on observations from bathtub row. You are high-fiveing yourself for capturing the attention of a douche bag. Yay, you! You have whined throughout this thread that you "just can't let him go." It just sounds so weak, like you are absolving yourself of all responsibility because you are just too smitten to think rationally.This is precisely when people with character, morals and healthy boundaries do think rationally and stop themselves. Your history, your feelings, your chemistry are just that They do not entitle you to someone else's husband. Get over your whole teenage "we can't help ourselves." It makes me think of being on a diet and I say "oooh, i can't help myself, Ben & Jerry just keep calling my name from the freezer" and next think I know ... face plant right into the Chunky Monkey because "I just couldn't help myself" but "wahhhhh, sniff sniff, it's not fair that I can't lose weight."

 

I said this once already on another thread this week, but God, the universe or whatever higher power you may believe in will NOT send you your true love in the form of another woman's husband. Be a decent role model for your children. Pick up your dignity and stand down.

Edited April 4, 2016 by sunburned
typo

[ChickiePops]

This is why people are encouraging you to employ a therapist when you come clean.

 

Honestly I'm more worried about your daughter than anyone else. Too many people have this information, and some of these people are decidedly NOT on your side. Do you honestly think his wife is going to keep her mouth shut forever? She's (rightfully) furious. At you, at her husband, and sadly, possibly at your daughter just for existing. Not saying it's right for her to talk, it would be vile to hurt a child like that, but it sure is possible.

 

Plus the fact that you still talk about him as if he's your lover and not a waffling, selfish POS. YOU need to be stronger. Get into therapy and let the therapist help you work through how to deal with MM. Obviously you can't have contact with him ever again, so you need to find someone who can..like a lawyer.

 

I am not a lawyer so I don't know what the rules are here but you (and he) have DNA proof that this guy is your kids father. Could that possibly mean that he asks for custody someday?

 

And this guy had stuff at your house, I can only assume that means he stayed with you and that he knows your kids. How do you think they feel about this revolving door policy he's adopted? That wouldn't be healthy in ANY situation.

 

I'm not trying to be mean or intentionally make you feel bad, I'm trying to snap you out of this fog that you're in. You cannot EVER be with him again. He's your kryptonite. You need to be done for good.

[The Aftermath]

This is why people are encouraging you to employ a therapist when you come clean.

 

Honestly I'm more worried about your daughter than anyone else. Too many people have this information, and some of these people are decidedly NOT on your side. Do you honestly think his wife is going to keep her mouth shut forever? She's (rightfully) furious. At you, at her husband, and sadly, possibly at your daughter just for existing. Not saying it's right for her to talk, it would be vile to hurt a child like that, but it sure is possible.

 

Plus the fact that you still talk about him as if he's your lover and not a waffling, selfish POS. YOU need to be stronger. Get into therapy and let the therapist help you work through how to deal with MM. Obviously you can't have contact with him ever again, so you need to find someone who can..like a lawyer.

 

I am not a lawyer so I don't know what the rules are here but you (and he) have DNA proof that this guy is your kids father. Could that possibly mean that he asks for custody someday?

 

And this guy had stuff at your house, I can only assume that means he stayed with you and that he knows your kids. How do you think they feel about this revolving door policy he's adopted? That wouldn't be healthy in ANY situation.

 

I'm not trying to be mean or intentionally make you feel bad, I'm trying to snap you out of this fog that you're in. You cannot EVER be with him again. He's your kryptonite. You need to be done for good.

 

ChickiePops - Do you mean ask my H to come with me to see my IC and then reveal to him then? Or have him employ his own IC to deal with the news? I do agree that there should be a 3rd party when I disclose to him & that he should not be left alone immediately afterwards, but even though he lives with my BIL/SIL in a house FULL of people they all tend to do their own thing (if that makes any sense). He is VERY lucky he had them when he left me years ago as they were there for him, but you know how it is - people have their own lives/families & they can't be with you 24/7. I know that's how my SIL justified telling BIL the news (she says she wanted him to be there for H when I reveal the news), but they can't be with him all the time and I thinking about how he might direct his rage inwards is a big part of what's keeping me from telling him. I have nothing else to lose by telling him (he already left our M and I have family who offered to help me financially when the CS stops).

 

I know many of the people who have this information are not on my side...it makes it really hard to talk to my friends/family about this because 99.99% of them are PRO: "Don't tell H or D .....EVER". They basically shut me down any time I ever start talking to them about needing to tell H, doing the 2nd paternity test, allowing J to visit D (even if not now, in the future)...they tell me that revealing the truth to H will only assuage my guilt and destroy DD and that both of them are better off NOT knowing. And I have considered the possibility of J's wife telling my H, but I guess I dismissed that possibility because I assumed she was just so grateful that J came back to her & that he wants to try and "fix things". His W doesn't know who H is, but J did tell me that he has friends who have kids who go to school with my daughter. I was actually surprised when he told me this & I asked how he knew this. He said he told his friend about our D & his friend's D was friends with our D.

 

I think your other question was about custody? (sorry, don't have a mouse & I suck at scrolling using this laptop pad) The paternity test I paid for was one of those home kits. This company seems to be very reliable (based on the research I've done) and I trust their results, but the results CANNOT be used in court because a 3rd party did not witness us doing the buccal swabs. I don't have them in front of me & it's been a while since I've looked at them, but I think it only says "Child" and "Suspected father"? I think J's W agreed to doing the official test because he pushed for it (as he pushed me to agree to it). He wants to be able to visit our D, but I know from his admission she orig. wanted him to stay away from BOTH of us. I have not heard from him since last week so I don't even know if he still wants to pursue visitation rights? I am trying so hard not to break NC to ask him (ask you can see it never bodes well for me/I always end up feeling horrible), but of course I have so many questions: Does he still want to pursue visitation rights? If so, when does he plan to do this test? How does he want to proceed going forward/whats the plan for visitation, etc.? I already told him after the 1st few weeks of April I will be unavailable to leave work for ANY reason except an emergency with either of my girls.

 

** I missed part of your post. I do agree that I need to be stronger and stay away from him. I just saw my IC this past week and I asked her for tips on how I can avoid breaking NC (assuming I never hear from him again re: DD/paternity test). She suggested that I make a list of 5 things I can do whenever I feel the urge to talk to him, even if it's about our D. For example, I could: 1) Call a friend, 2) Go for a walk, 3) Get in a quick workout, etc.... and then see if I still feel like contacting him. She feels that employing this strategy will allow me some time for the feeling to pass. I actually do try calling my BF whenever I feel the urge to contact him, but she's on the other side of the world/on a diff. timezone so it's not always possible. As I mentioned my other friends have turned on me and while I have made some new friends in my coworkers (we've gone out a handful of times & I can see a few of these turning into LT friendships), I don't want to burden anyone with my crap or lean on anyone too much.

Edited April 4, 2016 by The Aftermath
Added last paragraph

[Adoraxx]

I know EXACTLY how you feel and as you can see I posted my update and it took all of 2 seconds for people to rip me apart. I will admit it is hard to open up when you know that people will accuse you of not being genuine, or addicted to the drama, etc. No one else really knows my life except for me because I am living it. I can't even begin to put into words the amount of pain I've experienced in the past 2 weeks since he initiated contact again...I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I DO want help moving past this...AND past HIM. I wouldn't still be in IC if I didn't want to keep improving myself as a person. Please keep posting. As others have said not everyone will be so quick to tear you to shreds. I've found many here who DO offer constructive criticism without veiled rage/anger and many who will show you empathy even when you yourself don't feel you deserve it.

 

Hugs to you, Aftermath!! I read your update and thanks for writing it down! You're a very brave woman and I know you're going through a lot of pain and I wish I could do or say anything to make you feel better. Please keep posting and know that we're cheering you on, you will make it!!

 

I thought it was so odd btw that he sent you a selfie of himself CRYING?!? Who does that??? That's very weird indeed. I just couldn't help but picture my xMM doing that and I would definitely think that there's something wrong with him if he would do such a thing. LOL

 

My xMM didn't send me a crying selfie but I remember very well that when the A had just begun (8 years ago) that I went on a vacation and he texted me: "I'm sitting in the chair in my backyard, looking at the fence door , hoping that you'll come but you're not there. I'm sorry honey, I'm crying a little bit now." LOL at the time I was so flattered (even though I also secretly thought that it was a bit strange that he wrote that) , but over the years I realized he only didn't like it when I went on vacations because he couldn't control me much from such a distance away. I also think he was always worried that I would meet another man or whatever. Anyway , the crying selfie just reminded me of this ;-)

 

I wish you all the best and keep posting

Hugs,

Adoraxx

[malvern99]

Interesting. Seems not very helpful to say "your affair is like everyone else's," though I do understand. It's hard to read long passages of thoughts and emotions. Still, this is the place to do it, no? I have such mixed feelings about this forum. On the one hand, it's not like I have anywhere else to go. People in affairs are often really, really alone. So it's kind of a gift to know there's somewhere to vent and occasionally get some support. On the other hand, it's such an odd mix of "we are not the NC police and yet we are going to criticize your every mistake" and "I am so young and confused and can't write and so sad because this married dude keeps looking at me" that I'm not sure what is real and what's not. I do find comfort in people who have gone through what I am. And I don't think all these cheater people need coddling and kudos, we are stupid and wrong.

 

But we do need listening and understanding. And taking the time to reply in order to say, "sorry I didn't read your posts because they are like everyone else's" seems dismissive and not constructive. Maybe just ignore the post then? That seems to work ok.

 

I hate that anyone on here is going through any of this. They are horrible messes and so full of blame. Does blame ever help? It's like everyone who posts on here knows they are blameworthy. They messed up. But often, they messed up because they have feelings for someone they cannot control. They have thoughts they need to get out. Many of them are seeking therapy and professional help. It would be nice if here, people could find a listening ear and encouragement. Even "tough" advice can be given constuctively, can't it?

 

Sorry for the rant. I'm trying to get to my first therapy session without losing it, and keep turning to his forum and being increasingly more disappointed. I don't want a pat on the back, I deserve reality. But kind reality, because I'm still a sad, confused, and very much in love person who doesn't want to hurt anyone but wants to be happy. As we all are. Does anyone know if other, more supportive forums? Is this one of many?

 

Sometimes, when people find themselves caught up in these kinds of situations, the best type of advice in my opinion at least is direct, jarring, and not sugar coated. Cutting through the bull may be interpreted as being mean, but it is intended to focus people on what is truly important, because way too often, people get caught up in their own desires and feelings and completely lose sight of everything else. No disrespect intended toward Aftermath at all, but it seems she has fallen into that trap, and I think Sassy was just pointing that out. Her entire update was literally all about her and J. OP is definitely allowed to feel a certain kind of way about what is going down, and I do not think anyone wants to minimize that. As a neutral observer though, I just think she has bigger problems to deal with before she goes down that rabbit hole. Ultimately though, OP has the right to take what she finds helpful and leave the rest.

[Pili-Pala]

Wow Aftermath. That is quite an ordeal you have been through and I am sorry for your hurt. Thank for posting an update as I know that took a lot to do so.

 

I agree that it was perhaps good for you to write all that down as it can help you in some way to process what has happened. I have to admit I struggled a little to read and keep up with all the detail, but perhaps I don't really need to and that process is more for you. I also can't imagine how complicated this situation must be to have a child mixed up in all this.

 

My thoughts on this is now you have got out all the stuff that has happened before you need to let go of that now. Your focus from here on in needs to be a goal on what you want your future to look like. You say in your posts that your goal is a future without being involved with xMM and so that needs to be where you need to focus your efforts. In your case with a daughter however, you may need to look at a goal across your whole life though - so it might be that your goal is to not be involved in any physical and/or emotional way with your xMM and the only interaction you have with him to be exclusively concerning your daughter to allow him a healthy involvement in her life once her paternity is out in the open. I mean that was just an example, I obviously don't know what your goal should be - it's your goal so you need to come up with it and own it. You need to think where you want to be in a point in the future - perhaps in your case it needs to be longer than others, maybe like 1 year from now. It sounds like you have a goal it's just possibly a bit messy and unstructured (which is understandable completely!!) - I could be wrong and you have a clear goal already - in which case, great!

 

I am glad you are in IC already. If your therapist is giving you coping strategies then it seems like they are a solutions-based therapist in some regard. In this case you need to communicate that goal to your therapist and they should be able to help you on the path to achieving your goal. They will do this by working with you, exploring why you do certain things and understanding your coping strategies as well as making suggestions. You are correct in saying that only you truly know you and your situation, and you will have the solution inside you somewhere, the therapist should help you to find it!

 

I don't mean to sound patronising. It sounds very much like this is perhaps what you are trying to do already - but you have just got a little lost on the way from some unhelpful xMM interaction. I do hope you find the strength and strategies you need to move on from this situation Aftermath. I have to agree with your Aunt that it certainly does sound toxic and it certainty does sound like something not worth shedding one more tear over and running away from as fast as you can. But if you are allowing what is happening this past month to happen (and you are allowing it - you are actively making choices) then you might need to do some work with your therapist to revisit how committed to your goal you actually are and how you realign yourself back to that commitment after this unhelpful detour.

 

It is your story and your life and only you know the whole picture, but I have to say from what you have told here I have never been surer that the right decision is to end this emotional and physical involvement with this MM for good. I wish you all the very best with achieving that and hope desperately you find the strength to do so. If you commit and continue working on it then I am sure you can get there, it might just be a long old road for you whilst your navigate this situation with your daughter, but with determination you will get there.

[malvern99]

OP, how do you see your situation playing out? You find yourself in the unenviable position of only having 2 realistic outcomes if things keep going the way they are going. Unfortunately, in both outcomes your H finds out that he is not the bio father. You insist your H does not want to know about the paternity issue. That may be true, but from what you've said here, it looks like he will find out one way or another. Your options are rather limited.

 

Option 1 is getting in front of this and telling your H the truth yourself even though he does not want to know and jointly coming up with a plan to move forward with the best interests of your daughters in mind. This may seem like an unattractive option now, but it's better than option 2 in my eyes. At least you will have taken some proactive steps to deal with this situation once and for all.

 

Option 2 is you keep your silence, and you keep doing what you are doing. The whole paternity testing issue gets resolved and J wants to play a more active role in raising his daughter. Is it possible to let that happen without telling your H that the your daughter's bio dad wants to play a part a part of her life? How would you explain two dads to your daughter? If you don't tell your daughter that J is her bio dad, how do you explain all the time she will be spending with him to her? If she is spending time with him, do you think she will not mention it to her dad (your H)? Young children notice these types of things, and though they may not express themselves, they most certainly have questions. This is why many have recommended you get her into counselling to help her deal with this.

 

Unless there is a third option I am unaware of, it seems it boils down to either you getting in front of this before the proverbial poop hits the fan, and dealing with the fallout with the semblance of a plan, or you either wait for the poop to hit the fan then pick up the pieces after. Neither of these options is overly attractive, but hey, what can you do?

 

In regards to your story with J, maybe writing it up is a good thing for you. I wish you could read this story from an unattached perspective. I know that would be difficult for you to do as these are your experiences, but I am sure if you could, you would see what many on this forum see. It seems J just wants to keep you around as an insurance policy, and unfortunately, you seem to be OK with this. You say you aren't OK with it, but your actions say otherwise.

 

What incentive does J have to modify his behavior toward you if he knows throwing a few crumbs your way gets him exactly what he wants? Surely at some point you will have to put a stop to it right? What better time than now? As things stand, this has already consumed a year of not only your life, but your daughters lives too. This is time you can never get back, and what do you have to show for the lost year besides misery and heartbreak?

 

You are concerned about your church when it comes to divorcing your H, yet you do not seem concerned about your church's view of adultery. Yes, you may no longer consider yourself married, but J is still married. Be consistent with yourself across the board. It is either your church's rules and views are important to you, or they are not. Cherry picking what rules to follow and what rules to ignore is overly expedient. Good luck OP.

[ChickiePops]

ChickiePops - Do you mean ask my H to come with me to see my IC and then reveal to him then? Or have him employ his own IC to deal with the news? I do agree that there should be a 3rd party when I disclose to him & that he should not be left alone immediately afterwards, but even though he lives with my BIL/SIL in a house FULL of people they all tend to do their own thing (if that makes any sense). He is VERY lucky he had them when he left me years ago as they were there for him, but you know how it is - people have their own lives/families & they can't be with you 24/7. I know that's how my SIL justified telling BIL the news (she says she wanted him to be there for H when I reveal the news), but they can't be with him all the time and I thinking about how he might direct his rage inwards is a big part of what's keeping me from telling him. I have nothing else to lose by telling him (he already left our M and I have family who offered to help me financially when the CS stops).

 

I know many of the people who have this information are not on my side...it makes it really hard to talk to my friends/family about this because 99.99% of them are PRO: "Don't tell H or D .....EVER". They basically shut me down any time I ever start talking to them about needing to tell H, doing the 2nd paternity test, allowing J to visit D (even if not now, in the future)...they tell me that revealing the truth to H will only assuage my guilt and destroy DD and that both of them are better off NOT knowing. And I have considered the possibility of J's wife telling my H, but I guess I dismissed that possibility because I assumed she was just so grateful that J came back to her & that he wants to try and "fix things". His W doesn't know who H is, but J did tell me that he has friends who have kids who go to school with my daughter. I was actually surprised when he told me this & I asked how he knew this. He said he told his friend about our D & his friend's D was friends with our D.

 

I think your other question was about custody? (sorry, don't have a mouse & I suck at scrolling using this laptop pad) The paternity test I paid for was one of those home kits. This company seems to be very reliable (based on the research I've done) and I trust their results, but the results CANNOT be used in court because a 3rd party did not witness us doing the buccal swabs. I don't have them in front of me & it's been a while since I've looked at them, but I think it only says "Child" and "Suspected father"? I think J's W agreed to doing the official test because he pushed for it (as he pushed me to agree to it). He wants to be able to visit our D, but I know from his admission she orig. wanted him to stay away from BOTH of us. I have not heard from him since last week so I don't even know if he still wants to pursue visitation rights? I am trying so hard not to break NC to ask him (ask you can see it never bodes well for me/I always end up feeling horrible), but of course I have so many questions: Does he still want to pursue visitation rights? If so, when does he plan to do this test? How does he want to proceed going forward/whats the plan for visitation, etc.? I already told him after the 1st few weeks of April I will be unavailable to leave work for ANY reason except an emergency with either of my girls.

 

** I missed part of your post. I do agree that I need to be stronger and stay away from him. I just saw my IC this past week and I asked her for tips on how I can avoid breaking NC (assuming I never hear from him again re: DD/paternity test). She suggested that I make a list of 5 things I can do whenever I feel the urge to talk to him, even if it's about our D. For example, I could: 1) Call a friend, 2) Go for a walk, 3) Get in a quick workout, etc.... and then see if I still feel like contacting him. She feels that employing this strategy will allow me some time for the feeling to pass. I actually do try calling my BF whenever I feel the urge to contact him, but she's on the other side of the world/on a diff. timezone so it's not always possible. As I mentioned my other friends have turned on me and while I have made some new friends in my coworkers (we've gone out a handful of times & I can see a few of these turning into LT friendships), I don't want to burden anyone with my crap or lean on anyone too much.

 

I mean have a third party there when you disclose.

 

It's probably best not to open up to anyone else to be honest. I can't imagine you'll get a whole lot of support in real life. I'm not saying that to sound cruel..it's to protect your family. The more people who know, the more likely it is that someone will spill the beans before you're ready.

 

Your counselor is correct. Distract yourself. If you cannot stop thinking about him, try thinking about all the terrible things he has said or done instead of romanticizing him. He's a disgusting person. He treats his family like garbage, he treats you like garbage..has he even tried to bond with your daughter now that he knows she's his? Offered to help in any way? Asked about her past? Remind yourself that after he's with you, he rinses his d*ck off and gets in bed with his wife. Stop being his back up plan.

 

And mostly, think about what this is doing for your kids. If one of your daughters was allowing a man to treat her the way he treats you, what would you tell her? Set a good example for them.

[Grammie]

Can I ask a few questions?

 

how old are you? This truly sounds like something from high school - all the dates and the he said-she said.....it is like you are stuck in a romance and keep thinking you and he are these lovers destined to be together, except for the fact that you both are married, have kids and 2 spouses are being destroyed by your actions and behaviors.

 

where are your kids when you are having sex with him at your home?

 

All the drinking - really, that is not a smart way to handle stress. Work out, take a walk - but stop all the drinking (and driving).

 

FYI - you do not get a say so on how he takes visitation. You will not get to control who does and doesn't come into contact with his daughter when he has visitation. You will not get to dictate where the visitation takes place (especially since she is not a baby). Your H may be financially liable for her until she is 18 - many state laws are this way - read up on the various stories of men who have been 'stuck' paying for kids that aren't theirs and they don't get any visitation because the kid isn't theirs.

 

You keep claiming all this violence by the wife ....yet you have no proof. Do you really think a wife takes the news of not only a cheating spouse, but a kid with a mistress, with a calm attitude? The MM was the one who punched holes in a wall. Additionally, you keep repeating HIS words - the guy who has lied, and lied and lied. Why do you believe what he says? He has even told you he loves his wife, yet you still sleep with him? IF you are expecting his wife to just move out of your way so you can 'win' her husband, think again. You have all this anger towards HER and she hasn't done ANYTHING to you. You have slept with her husband, had a baby with him, have snooped on HER facebook/hangout (or whatever app you use to check on her), you continue to sleep with her husband, and contact him. What do you really expect her to do - just step aside? She is pissed, and rightfully so - with him and YOU. You knew he was married, you knew he had kids. You continued to be involved with him. And now, you are decided who gets to know the truth of your daughter's paternity. Please STOP and just tell the truth.

 

Be honest - with yourself and everyone around you. Time to stop acting like a love struck teenager and realize you are messing with real people and real lives. Can you imagine how his kids are going to feel about all this? How when word gets out that daddy had a mistress and had a baby with that lady.....can you even begin to imagine the damage that will do to them??? STOP playing these games. STOP lying and start accepting responsibility for the words/behaviors/actions you have chosen.

 

Life will go on. You will get over this loser. You will rebuild your life. Put your children first. Put their happiness, their mental stability and their needs first. Stop stop stop playing these games with this loser and cut the cord.

 

I can assure you, as a wife, if my spouse (before he died) had admitted to an affair and a kid from that affair, I would want my OWN proof - my own DNA test. I wouldn't trust anything from you or from him. I can't believe all the 'hate' you have for this woman - you imply she shouldn't be snooping on her husband...yet you have done the same thing with this guy and you aren't married to him, don't have a history with him! Cut her some slack. As for your H, TELL HIM. Stop playing with HIS life and HIS heart. TELL HIM the truth and deal with the fall out. You have excuse after excuse - after this, after that....just pull your big girl britches up and tell him - NOW. Stop deciding what and when and how HE will react. Tell him the truth.

[Sassy Girl]

OP, how do you see your situation playing out? You find yourself in the unenviable position of only having 2 realistic outcomes if things keep going the way they are going. Unfortunately, in both outcomes your H finds out that he is not the bio father. You insist your H does not want to know about the paternity issue. That may be true, but from what you've said here, it looks like he will find out one way or another. Your options are rather limited.

 

Option 1 is getting in front of this and telling your H the truth yourself even though he does not want to know and jointly coming up with a plan to move forward with the best interests of your daughters in mind. This may seem like an unattractive option now, but it's better than option 2 in my eyes. At least you will have taken some proactive steps to deal with this situation once and for all.

 

Option 2 is you keep your silence, and you keep doing what you are doing. The whole paternity testing issue gets resolved and J wants to play a more active role in raising his daughter. Is it possible to let that happen without telling your H that the your daughter's bio dad wants to play a part a part of her life? How would you explain two dads to your daughter? If you don't tell your daughter that J is her bio dad, how do you explain all the time she will be spending with him to her? If she is spending time with him, do you think she will not mention it to her dad (your H)? Young children notice these types of things, and though they may not express themselves, they most certainly have questions. This is why many have recommended you get her into counselling to help her deal with this.

 

Unless there is a third option I am unaware of, it seems it boils down to either you getting in front of this before the proverbial poop hits the fan, and dealing with the fallout with the semblance of a plan, or you either wait for the poop to hit the fan then pick up the pieces after. Neither of these options is overly attractive, but hey, what can you do?

 

In regards to your story with J, maybe writing it up is a good thing for you. I wish you could read this story from an unattached perspective. I know that would be difficult for you to do as these are your experiences, but I am sure if you could, you would see what many on this forum see. It seems J just wants to keep you around as an insurance policy, and unfortunately, you seem to be OK with this. You say you aren't OK with it, but your actions say otherwise.

 

What incentive does J have to modify his behavior toward you if he knows throwing a few crumbs your way gets him exactly what he wants? Surely at some point you will have to put a stop to it right? What better time than now? As things stand, this has already consumed a year of not only your life, but your daughters lives too. This is time you can never get back, and what do you have to show for the lost year besides misery and heartbreak?

 

You are concerned about your church when it comes to divorcing your H, yet you do not seem concerned about your church's view of adultery. Yes, you may no longer consider yourself married, but J is still married. Be consistent with yourself across the board. It is either your church's rules and views are important to you, or they are not. Cherry picking what rules to follow and what rules to ignore is overly expedient. Good luck OP.

 

Op also does this with her friends advice. On advice of everyone else she has not told exH the truth. By those same people are telling her to stay away from J and she ignores that advice and has lost friends because of her decisions. Cherry picking indeed.

 

OP if anything I have posted is factually incorrect il be happy to apologise and retract.

 

OP I speak directly, but you don't offend me. You frustrate me (and it appears in not alone in that) because you talk the talk (sometimes) but you don't walk the walk. You're all talk and no action. When I saw walls and walls of text that's exactly what I though- more words. Still no action. Plenty of excuses, justification and rationalisation. But very little ownership or accountability.

 

Honestly, I stopped when I read about him sending a selfie of himself bawling? Seriously? I mean who does that? To be honest that would send me running a mile. Not only is it incredible unattractive, it's also highly manipulative. I couldn't read past that.

 

In the time it took you to write up your tragic love story you could have made an appointment for your daughter to start counselling. You could have taken any number of actions to improve your predicament I listed 2 weeks ago. But you don't. And that is a choice. And you continue to make bad choices. My advice has been sound. Perhaps the delivery wasn't what you wanted to hear, but honestly you need to be snapped out of your self indulgent pity party. You're so wrapped up in you and J you don't even see the damage that you're doing to everyone around you, including yourself.

 

I see you have IC. Great. Now what are you doing about those around you. Your kids? Your family? Your ex? Actions speak louder than words.

 

And on that note, I'm out... Because you have to want to be a better person for any advice to have an impact. And I'm not seeing it.

Edited April 5, 2016 by Sassy Girl

[waterwoman]

The crying selfie is utterly pathetic and manipulative. Uggghhh!