Separated.. devastated.. alone..

[sandylee1]

Sandylee, this has made me feel pretty terrible, but I think there's more to it.

 

We discussed the issues many times. I had told him how I was feeling. I told him that he needed to stop lying to me... he used to lie to me about being at work (when he was actually out), he kept his phone at his side like noone I've ever met (even when he went in the shower, and locked the door), he had no care for me when I was sick (despite being a medical doctor), he used to delete his entire computer browsing history every time he used our computer... He had excuses for all of it.

 

I think I had to ask him to leave to think about his behaviour, or it was never going to change. The only other option was to accept being lied to and manipulated forever. I didn't want that. I wanted someone who would admit to their wrongs and be willing to change. I told him that. I suggested we going to counselling together. He had zero interest. What was I supposed to do?

 

I really do think it was mostly his fault. Trust is fundamental in a relationship.

 

It was never about making him beg. It was to see if he really loved me. And I don't think he did.

 

It is over.

 

I didn't meanto make you feel worse.

 

You've explained things clearer here..I'm more detail.

 

If he was guarding his phone..deleting browsing history and lying about where he was going...... then something was going on.

 

You never mentioned talking about the problems or suggesting therapy. ... if you did all these things... and he did nothing to make amends.. then it seems he didn't want to improve things and was just waiting for a reason to divorce.

 

I think I'd have done it differently ...I'd have said something like ....I've raised my concerns many times and nothing has changed .... I'm not happy with you lying to me and this isn't the marriage I want for us. Then I'd ask if there's anything he's not happy with in regards to me and the marriage. If there are..then I'd take note.

 

If after about 6 months there has been no change ..... then I would know he's not interested in making the marriage work... then I have to make the next move of separation and then divorce.

 

Separating would be after I can see he's not making any effort to change.

 

Don't beg or plead... it takes two to want a marriage and he doesn't. You'll find a man who loves you again.

[Phoenician]

Sandylee, this has made me feel pretty terrible, but I think there's more to it.

 

We discussed the issues many times. I had told him how I was feeling. I told him that he needed to stop lying to me... he used to lie to me about being at work (when he was actually out), he kept his phone at his side like noone I've ever met (even when he went in the shower, and locked the door), he had no care for me when I was sick (despite being a medical doctor), he used to delete his entire computer browsing history every time he used our computer... He had excuses for all of it.

 

I think I had to ask him to leave to think about his behaviour, or it was never going to change. The only other option was to accept being lied to and manipulated forever. I didn't want that. I wanted someone who would admit to their wrongs and be willing to change. I told him that. I suggested we going to counselling together. He had zero interest. What was I supposed to do?

 

I really do think it was mostly his fault. Trust is fundamental in a relationship.

 

It was never about making him beg. It was to see if he really loved me. And I don't think he did.

 

It is over.

 

 

 

Alone Again ,

 

First sorry you are going through this .

 

I don't want to blame him or you , and excuse me we are hearing one side of the story , yours .

 

What I will say now might disturb you , but read it carefully please , because I have no intention except helping you for the future at least if not in this marriage .

 

-" was he a jerk since begining ?",

-no .

 

 

-"We discussed the issues many times" :

too late if this happened in last period , your attempts came late .

 

-"he used to delete his entire computer browsing history every time he used our computer" , it could be porn , it could be flirting , it could be cheating ,

 

was this happening since the beginning of your marriage ?

 

what about if he was just watching porn or flirting because you are most of the time tired , never into intimacy and maybe making him feel rejected ?

 

-"I think I had to ask him to leave to think about his behaviour, or it was never going to change" : a big calculation mistake! , if you wanted him to change , you need to change too , you cant be passive aggressive in such situations .

 

-Who is the leader in the relationship ? since the start ?

 

-you , you helped him a lot and were making sure that he should pay

back for all the sacrifices you made by granting you a certificate of lifetime granted love .

 

-Love is not granted , and marriage is like a garden , if both partner do not take care of it , the garden dies...

 

 

few other things attracts me :

 

-you were afraid to tell anybody , embarrased , and didn't even care kicking his butt to reach his mom" house , wasn't that what happened ?

 

 

dear ,read all your posts in this thread , you just want a validation , which is normal human behavior , but here in LS there is a very important fact :

 

that we are more open to talk because we are anonymous ...

 

so I will not lie on you ; you have done a lot of mistakes that no man can accept .

 

We men can't handle rejection , especially sexual rejection ; it is in our genes ; when it happens it hurts a lot , we seek alternatives ,porn , MB , etc ....

[Phoenician]

aloneagain ,

 

With all what you have said , I still think that you do have a great chance to gain your husband back , you know why ?

 

-because you love him ,and he seems to be hurt like u , but is not denying the good memories he has toward you ; it is just he feels like a bird who free again .

 

listen to me , forget about divorce for few days/weeks and listen to your heart :

 

-You love that guy a lot , but your black/white thing and high expectation are controlling your mind .

 

I believe you want him back , and though he checked out; there is still a chance ;

 

let us help you to use it ; let try to get him back without you loose your dignity ; are you interested ?,

 

I am ready to help you , I take 2c per hour as a MC session , I accept many mode of payment including recieving a funny joke ( decent ones ;

 

the dirty ones are worth 4 cents

 

 

so start positive thinking , and don't listen right now to those who are pushing you toward divorce .

 

let us start to put a deadline for dday : 30-Apr-2016 .

 

now , we need a way to break NC , that is fruitfull enough to make him do it ...:confused:

[AloneAgain34]

I'm sorry but I need to leave this be for a while.

 

Thanks to everyone for their advice.

[MidwestUSA]

aloneagain ,

 

With all what you have said , I still think that you do have a great chance to gain your husband back , you know why ?

 

-because you love him ,and he seems to be hurt like u , but is not denying the good memories he has toward you ; it is just he feels like a bird who free again .

 

listen to me , forget about divorce for few days/weeks and listen to your heart :

 

-You love that guy a lot , but your black/white thing and high expectation are controlling your mind .

 

I believe you want him back , and though he checked out; there is still a chance ;

 

let us help you to use it ; let try to get him back without you loose your dignity ; are you interested ?,

 

I am ready to help you , I take 2c per hour as a MC session , I accept many mode of payment including recieving a funny joke ( decent ones ;

 

the dirty ones are worth 4 cents

 

 

so start positive thinking , and don't listen right now to those who are pushing you toward divorce .

 

let us start to put a deadline for dday : 30-Apr-2016 .

 

now , we need a way to break NC , that is fruitfull enough to make him do it ...:confused:

 

 

This isn't remotely funny, and not helpful to the OP.

 

OP, please take care of YOU, whatever it takes. Best wishes.

[Phoenician]

Agree Midwest , it is not funny ,

 

but if it drew a smile on her face I will be satisfied...

 

advises to throw a marriage , a whole life in a bin , isnt simple either .

 

Good luck OP , I won't post on this thread , unless you request it , because my opinion is the only Odd one .

 

Meanwhile , I really wish you the best of all .

 

"I wish we were born in a time when if something was broken we would fix it "

 

 

 

 

[AloneAgain34]

Thanks to all. I value each opinion.

 

I need some time to think please now.

 

Take care everyone.

[serial muse]

Hi alone,

 

I just want to chime in as a former betrayed spouse (now remarried) - much of your story resonated with me. I was with my exH for 7 years, married for four, when I finally copped to the fact that he had been cheating on me for some time. It took me a while to stop blaming myself for not knowing, for not stopping it somehow, for not not not not not....I think that's the hardest part, not blaming yourself for someone else's choices.

 

I think you did the right thing to ask him to leave. Your space is yours again now. You are mourning the loss of a relationship you wished you had, but not the one you really had, and honestly -- although I know it's hard to see it now -- you will be better off. It's very lonely to live with someone when you know they're checked out. I think your gut knew, even if your brain took a while to catch up. Yes, it sounds like there is someone else, I'm afraid; but ultimately, he did you a favor by showing you who he is before you had children and became even more invested in him. This is also how I (eventually, not immediately!) came to see my situation.

 

Staying with him wasn't going to be good for you, in the long run, even if it's hard to see right now while you're feeling betrayed and devastated. Congrats on achieving a big career milestone -- tenure-track job -- that's huge!! And I know it's hard to tell family and friends about this; I was so embarrassed and shaken and confused and I didn't know how to make the words come out. But...I don't know what your circle is like, but I can say that once I did let the truth out, they became my rocks, and their support was invaluable. I hope you have similar resources; but LS can also be a good outlet.

 

Wishing you peace and self-confidence.

[AloneAgain34]

It's amazing how you can think you're doing okay and then something small sets you back...

 

I was driving to work this morning and my recently separated husband drove right past me. Not sure what he was doing in my area?! He would have known it was me and didn't even look at me?! Like I didn't exist.

 

My legs went to complete jelly, heart racing... How can he have such an effect on me? And so heartless not to message or say anything after.

 

I feel terrible again. Although I don't miss him particularly, I miss the dreams and the hope of the promises we made for a beautiful future together. I still wanted to work it out. ?

 

I don't know if I still love him after everything that's happened. I'm just back at square one with sadness and loneliness.

 

Maybe his new girlfriend lives near me. No other reason he would be in my area at 7.30am.

 

?

[Mumbles]

I miss the dreams and the hope of the promises we made for a beautiful future together. I still wanted to work it out.

 

 

I think the above snippet is the key to how you're feeling. It -really- resonates with me.

 

Honestly, my marriage to my first wife was long dead after probably just 5 years or so, yet we kept on with the 'dream' for another 5. Can't speak for her, though my suspicion is that she was similar to me, I was in love with the idea of being in love and having the family and couple life. The benefit of a long time since separation and divorce allows me to see this somewhat more clearly now.

 

Those feelings you are getting are feelings of loss ... of what might have been, of what you so wanted to be, conflicting now with what your brain knows cannot be. Its the worst of times, I totally understand.

 

The passage of time will see those feelings tone down and become manageable. As others have already said, the challenge right now is to keep your house (your life) in order and try not to collapse entirely while you wait for time to pass and the wounds to start to heal. You can't rush the process, need patience and fortitude.

 

Whilst a new man and a new love will eventually help complete the process, right now, if you're anything like me, you just can't - the hurt is too fresh, and just getting through each day is probably all I could expect of myself.

 

I agree with others here - this resource, LS, can be of help, I found it so. Theres no answers here of course, nor anywhere, but you'll get an ear here and the knowledge that you're not alone, many have been there before and survived to ultimately live happier fuller lives.

[AloneAgain34]

I'm just feeling so lonely and sad again...

 

I actually know that I'll never meet anyone else again. I have my work, my dog... and not much else really.

 

I loved him faithfully, honestly and truly. And believing it's over breaks my heart each and every day.

 

It's like I go a few days feeling okay, and then a few days feeling down again... don't know if that's normal but I suppose it is.

 

The hardest part is knowing he's moved on, without a second thought. Like everything meant nothing.

[ProdigalMe]

You didn’t do anything wrong. Do not feel guilty. You having nothing to feel guilty for. Asking him to separate and to think about how he can be a better husband did not cause your breakup.

 

He has already admitted that he’s not committed to the relationship, and has not been for some time (probably well before you ever asked him to separate and think). You didn’t cause the breakup; his lack of commitment did. A committed man would have said to himself, "oh sh*t, I'd better get it together; thank goodness she's giving me a chance."

 

And to break up via text message? Immature. Ask yourself if you want a man who has these qualities to be the father of your children: immature, dishonest, unsupportive, disengaged, untrustworthy, disrespectful (acting like a single man is a huge red flag). Right now you feel sad. In 2018, you might be high-fiving yourself for dodging this bullet.

 

I know you think you desperately need him right now. And you’ll feel this way for several months. Then the fog will lift, and you will realize that you deserve better, and that there are better men that would love to commit to you.

 

Here’s the bright side, you have some qualities that guys will be scrambling for: you’re young, you don’t have children yet, you have a great career, you’re reasonable and extremely educated, you’re a homeowner, and you are a devoted, thoughtful, committed partner. You’re an early-thirties tenured University professor. Do you know what they call that in my neighborhood? A f*cking prize.

 

I understand your devastation and desperation. We have all been there. The only comfort I can extend you is that, as debilitating as it feels, you will survive each day. You will survive each minute. Your pain will be deliriously extreme in the next 3 to 6 months, and then it will diminish, ever so slightly. And it will flare up from time to time (your birthday passed and he didn't acknowledge it; he moved in with someone new; he celebrated a promotion and didn't tell you). You will say to yourself, "wow, that really hurt, but I survived; I must be made of some really strong stuff."

 

Also, don't feel you have to do anything to save the marriage, such as campaigning for it/debating about it. It takes two to save a marriage, and he clearly is not interested. Campaigning/debating didn't work for me. Their apathy is sometimes unconquerable, and it's no reflection on you.

 

As for the massive hole in your life, fill that with something else. There are other parts in your life that are not in turmoil and, if you step back and look at it, are blessings. Family, friends, exercise, travel, meditation, movies, music. Those are all available to you now, like a palette ready for you to paint a blank canvas. And think of the time you have now; no more putting up with foul moods, or having to mother him by cooking, cleaning, or waiting on him.

 

Strict no contact is the way to go. It will begin to break the emotional bond you have with him. It is not to get him back. It is not to exact revenge. It is not to make him miss you. It is solely for you. It is your healing moment. It will be extremely painful to implement, especially in the first few months. But, it is a test of, and also a testament to, your strength. It is a reminder that you can and will be a strong single person.

 

Don’t beat yourself up over this relationship. As someone on here once said, enduring pain must have a purpose. Self-inflicted pain must have a purpose. Don’t punish yourself. Don't torture yourself with a million "what if?" questions. You did the best that you could. It takes two people to ruin a relationship. Don’t take all of the blame; instead just absorb the lessons. That is the purpose of enduring this pain; not to flog yourself bloody, but to learn and grow.

 

I know it’s uncomfortable. You are “that” person. The one whose marriage failed. However, there is no shame in it. There’s also no shame in keeping it a secret. Sometimes that’s what a person needs to feel safe. So, you and your mum can hold the secret together. Don’t let anyone else know until you are ready.

 

I know being alone feels scary and daunting. You had a partner for 7 years, and now you have to do things alone. Embrace it, fear and all. I know it’s scary. I’ve been separated for 3 months. I have not seen her face in 2 months. I struggle every week, but I manage to plod along. It gets better, just give it time. The sadness, the loneliness, it all starts to lift a bit. Just accept that your days will be tinted blue this year, but you will survive. Just take a look at people here who are a year or more past their divorce. Most of their stories speak of healing and thriving. They speak of finding joy again. I think you will too. Give it time.

 

Losing someone’s love is devastating. It hurts to breathe. I get it, I've felt it. You gave and you loved. And now you think, “that motherf*cker did not reciprocate.” And, “did I just get used?” Losing love doesn’t mean you’re unlovable, though. It just means that one person in the universe stopped loving you. And that’s ok. Most times, it’s not a reflection on you. It’s not an indictment on what you lack or what you failed to do. Most times, it’s the other person’s inability to “love the one you’re with” (see Crosby, Stills and Nash). Consider this: for every one man who stops loving you, there are probably 10 others who would love the opportunity to be your partner. Just because you don’t know who they are right now doesn’t mean they aren’t out there.

 

With his charm, charisma and money, your husband will no doubt attract female attention. So what? You already know what’s underneath the mask. It’s kinda ugly under there. If and when he shacks up with someone else, you shouldn’t feel jealous. The same stuff is underneath that mask: the immaturity, the dishonesty, the disengagement, the foul moods, the disrespect. That lump of coal you were married to is not going to turn into a diamond just because he has a new partner. He’ll still be a lump of coal, but this time with hospital privileges.

 

What a coincidence. You ran into him. I ran into her. Yesterday, I was on a bus that runs past her apartment (my car is in the shop for repairs). I caught a glimpse of her (didn’t see her face, just saw her profile). For a brief moment I had an impulse to get off the bus and say hello. But that moment passed as soon as it came. I was sad for a minute, but that feeling passed just as quickly too. I didn’t even feel like crying. I am reaching the point where I don’t care. You will get there too, in time.

 

You have some questions that are torturing you. How could he leave me so easily? Am I so worthless that I can be discarded that easily? Was the love real? Just remind yourself that it’s one person’s opinion (his). Not everyone shares his opinion. Like I said, there are probably 10 men out there who would be thrilled to be in a committed relationship with you for every one man that doesn’t. And, your love for him was real, even if his, at some point, was not. That’s real love, no matter how you slice it, no matter how little he contributed.

 

Don’t despair about the future. It seems gloomy now, but it will get better. I know the questions are torturing you. How will I meet someone? Who will love me? Will I die alone? You say work is not conducive to you finding someone. Maybe, maybe not. Who says that the only way you meet someone is at University? Read the posts on here and you’ll realize that meetings occur in unexpected and seemingly unlikely ways. At restaurants, at parties, at the library, at the park, at the airport, at a friend’s house. Just tell yourself that you’re somebody’s prize; he just doesn’t know it yet.

 

Keep posting here. It's therapeutic. Also, take the time to read others' plights. I find that listening to someone and giving them advice feels almost as good as venting my own problems.

 

When you vent here, you will receive a gentle ear and a nod of understanding. And if you don’t, f*ck ‘em.

[AloneAgain34]

ProdigalMe...

 

Thank you. Thank you for taking the time to read my posts, for the depth and clarity of your reply and for simply being there. Your words speak volumes to me; I will re-read them when I am doubting myself and feeling down about it all.

 

How you write is almost poetic; thank you for your kindness and generosity in responding when I need it most. It really means a lot.

 

Thank you.

[AloneAgain34]

It's been a while since I've last posted... 8 months exactly.

 

In this entire time, I haven't heard from my (still officially) husband during our separation.. not an email, SMS, phone call... completely ghosted. Like I never existed. Missed anniversaries, birthdays, and other special days... all passed like they never meant anything. And so Christmas, of course, will be no different.

 

I have been alone since we separated.. no dates, no prospects and an inner hurt that not many would know I have. On the outside, I look like I've handled the stress okay. On the inside, I'm sad, lonely and uncertain about ever feeling like I did again... in love. I don't trust the world the way I used to.

 

And so this is my first Christmas without him in a long time. It shouldn't be any different to the other days of feeling lonely, but for some reason it is.

 

I feel silly that I still get upset about him and the situation of being on my own.

 

I know I'm not the first person to feel like this... I hope everyone on here who is hurting manages to smile at least a little this Christmas.

 

xo

[Mr. Lucky]

I have been alone since we separated.. no dates, no prospects and an inner hurt that not many would know I have.

 

One of those presents under the tree is a ball - and it's in your court.

 

Join something - a book club, volunteer group, charity drive or sports team. The resulting companionship will lift your spirits and the friendship will open doors to more...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Calmandfocused]

Alone.

 

You're post struck a cord with me and I want to tell you about an experience I had with my husband. I'm now going through a divorce and I'm happy to be doing so.

 

Early this year I got very sick from food poisoning. I won't go into the gory details but I was bed confined for 48 hours. I was weak, disorientated and couldn't function. Stbxh took this amazing opportunity to be the most abusive he has ever been to me throughout our marriage. He was threatening me, trying to force me out of my bed and just wouldn't leave me alone. I ended up calling the police to throw him out as I couldn't defend myself. To this day, he still swears he did nothing wrong that night even though he was verbally abusive to me for 3 hours straight. Even when I throwing up, he wouldn't stop to catch his breath. One of the worst flipping nights of my life.

 

I'm telling you this because it started off that he showed no sympathy, no support, or care on the rare occasion that I did get Ill. Then it escalated to what I've just described.

 

I wish I'd listened to my gut earlier.

 

Your husbands behaviour would have escalated, no doubt about it. Don't see it as you've lost him. See it that you've saved yourself a whole heap of escalating misery.

 

Have a lovely Xmas and spend time with people who treat you well.

[ThreeRainbows]

One more thing to add here. While letting him go and moving on are the actions you need to take, your feelings are your own. They don't necessarily change just because you want them to.

 

That said, the best thing I've learned to console feelings like this, while in the process of letting go, is to remember: real love is about the other person. How can you love him best right now? Sometimes the best way to love someone is to not.

 

Also...a cliche for you: if you love someone, set them free. If it's meant to be, they will come back to you. If they don't, they were never for you (and that's ok, because someone else IS).

[Mumbles]

It's been a while since I've last posted... 8 months exactly.

 

In this entire time, I haven't heard from my (still officially) husband during our separation.. not an email, SMS, phone call... completely ghosted. Like I never existed. Missed anniversaries, birthdays, and other special days... all passed like they never meant anything. And so Christmas, of course, will be no different.

 

I'm glad you came back to LS and this thread. Its difficult to know whats going on with your husband and, largely, it doesn't actually matter. Its tough though I get it.

 

You know, as I ponder this it might be for the best. I didn't do this when I separated, I -did- send a text on her birthday and at Christmas, etc, but it was always me who initiated and all I got back was a one liner 'happy Christmas'.

 

But what was I doing? really? In sending messages on special days I was still grasping what once was and no longer was .... It wasn't right for me nor for her I think (in retrospect).

 

I eventually went NC, and years passed, many years, in fact, I've been remarried now for almost 4 - and I only say that because there is a new life for you, out in your future, when you're healed enough.

 

 

I have been alone since we separated.. no dates, no prospects and an inner hurt that not many would know I have. On the outside, I look like I've handled the stress okay. On the inside, I'm sad, lonely and uncertain about ever feeling like I did again... in love. I don't trust the world the way I used to.

 

As I said in previous (old) posts, my world view has changed now, in many ways its harsher and not as friendly and full of sunshine, but, its more realistic. I am content.

 

I know I'm not the first person to feel like this... I hope everyone on here who is hurting manages to smile at least a little this Christmas.

 

You're not, thats for certain. We're all on our own part of the curve that is life. It can be heartening, to some degree, to know that others have been where you are and not only survived, but popped out to find life and love again.

 

All the best, you're past the darkest days now, but there is still a journey to be had and at some point, when you've regained your strength you'll have to pursue a legal divorce. But let things take their own time