April 16 @ 9 am

[msoptimistic]

I read here every single day but havent posted in forever because I haven't made any changes and there has been nothing anyone could say that would be positive about my circumstances. I know that. But today something has changed. I am so tired of the double life. Tired of no peace. Tired of wandering if a man who is married to another woman is going to have time for me today.

 

I am married and my H knows about the A but believes it was over long ago and though it doesnt matter at all, the physical part has been. But we have talked everyday and I have held out false hope that I could force things into happening my way. Problem is that doesnt work on any level. IF he had left his wife, I would have thrown everyone in my life under the bus to get to him.

 

I never considered my elderly parents in a small community and the embarrassment I would have caused them. Or walking down the hall at work and realizing everyone would know what I had done. Inside the fog it all seems worth it but destroying lives cant be fixed. My kids are older and I told myself that if I was happy, they would be happy. What a load of crap. And all of this for a man who has had almost 4 years to leave but wouldnt.

 

I hurt right now. Just as bad as when I buried my grandmother a few years ago. It is just as real as being physically assaulted. It is the hardest decision in the world to move on and yet its really not even a decision to be made. There really is no alternative choice is there?

 

So today I am going to work in the yard with my husband and cry when hes not looking and look for ways to reconnect with him while feeling broken. I know MM will not try to contact me so this is my cross to bear. He wont hurt or wake up in the night too sad to even go back to sleep. But I will and then one day maybe its going to hurt just a bit less and one night I will sleep through the night and not wake uo crying.

 

Someone posted on here recently that if you start now you will be so much happier by Christmas. Maybe that will be my gift to myself. Peace on the other side is what I pray for.

 

Thanks for the opportunity to write this. And if all of you good people would send some love this way, I sure could use it!

Edited March 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[jenkins95]

Big hug: -

 

(((msoptimistic)))

 

It's tough to read your post.

 

4 years

 

You know what you have to do. We are here for you.

 

Stick 100% to strict NC and you could be a different person by Christmas. It's possible to reconnect to your husband, but you won't be in a position to know this until you've been in NC for months. You know all this - I know! I think you just want hugs and support from us today.

 

We've got it in buckets for you!

 

Now you've started posting again, keep doing it! It helps!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

So sorry you are hurting. Sometimes the hardest things we do are much easier once we give ourselves permission to let go. Wishing you much luck and healing.

 

Will you begin in a month or did you write the wrong date? Either way, good luck to you!

[jenkins95]

And remember, it was heartbreaking burying your grandmother and you will always mourn her loss.....but you won't mourn the affair......eventually.

 

I think it was me who mentioned the Christmas thing - I often mention it in my posts! It is a target to myself - to feel happy next time I put the Christmas tree up. Why not make it your target too?

[AlwaysGrowing]

And remember, it was heartbreaking burying your grandmother and you will always mourn her loss.....but you won't mourn the affair......eventually.

 

I think it was me who mentioned the Christmas thing - I often mention it in my posts! It is a target to myself - to feel happy next time I put the Christmas tree up. Why not make it your target too?

 

 

What does "happy" mean?

 

I see so many chasing this idea, tying it to a multitude of things/people/locations/job...etc.

 

I have found that searching for inner peace/contentment/gratitude serves one much better.....for none of those rely on anything/one to be perfectly aligned with ourselves.

 

OP:

Instead of turning ones head to cry over their choice to find inner/outward peace......one should allow themselves to feel the strength of character it took to remove the source that was causing the turmoil. Allow that peace in, do not block it by mourning the very thing that is blocking it. You just might find that life has many beautiful and uncomplicated things to enjoy in your garden. That just as in gardening....we must be diligent in removing the weeds in our life...so we can reach our sun and grow into the best us that we can.

[Ophelia25]

I'm the one who is going to be better by Christmas. ARRRRGGGH.

 

I feel what you feel, pretty much. Last night, I took half an Ativan and I got in the car and rode with my husband to the airport to pick up my brother from a three-week vacation abroad. We went to my parents' house and I worked my butt off to smile and laugh and fake my way through a good family time, and I thought about how ruined it all would be if I had run off with him back when he was asking me to. My family would still love me, I know, but they have VERY VERY strong values and it would hurt them dreadfully to have to deal with that, and to see me have to deal with it. They also know the AP from our teenage romance, and they never really liked him all that much.

 

And I sat there and hated myself for thinking how much I wanted to throw it all away just to be with him, how I'd leave my family and move away and shack up with him and be a homewrecker and hurt his children and his family and my husband. How preposterous it was that these little bits of love or passion or obsession or whatever you call the feelings you have in an affair are so powerful that they can wreak complete havoc on your life and insides and who you are. I'm not myself, and what's weird, is I feel like myself only when he's talking to me, which is what, 5% of the time, if that?

 

And even with all that logical thinking, my heart hurts so badly that I know absolutely I'd jump at any moment of attention he'd give me, any time of the day. I drop everything if he asks me for help with something, or to show him pictures of myself, or whatever. He only two days ago said "we need some time apart" - and of course, he wouldn't specify how much time apart - thus he gets all the control to come and go when HE sees fit. He says its because he feels bad about our relationship, because it's wrong, because there is no good solution, and how can I ARGUE with that? It IS wrong - how can I say, "No, no, don't go away, I want you to be WRONG with me?" So I said, okay. I hope this works for you. While its an absolute lie. I don't hope it works for him. I keep telling myself that if he's happy, I'll be okay eventually (by Christmas?). But...I don't think he WILL be happy - I think he will just pretend to be happy and hide from me because it hurts too much to be with me and not be with me. So, I need to somehow concede that what is best for all of us is that we both pretend to be happy and ignore each other forever because liking each other and being with each other and even talking to each other is just plain wrong. And it's SO hard to say that the first person I loved, the strongest feelings I've ever had for someone, the only real passion I've ever experienced, the only serious WANTING I've ever felt, the biggest crush I've ever had, the only person I've ever DESIRED, all of that is just WRONG and needs to go away immediately. How in the world do I make my mind and heart agree to that?

 

My husband is a good guy. I love him. It's crazy to say that we have had a happy marriage with all of this, but we really mostly have. But, he's like my best friend/roommate. Someone who hangs out with me and pats my head whenever my heart is breaking - he actually knew me as a teenager and that was his role then as well. He has watched my 25 year obsession with the AP from Day 1, and he still actually likes me. Shouldn't that be 1000 times better than these tiny moments of delirious passion?

[jenkins95]

What does "happy" mean?

 

 

From Google:

 

happy

adjective

feeling or showing pleasure or contentment.

 

Works for me

[privategal]

Big hug: -

 

(((msoptimistic)))

 

It's tough to read your post.

 

4 years

 

You know what you have to do. We are here for you.

 

Stick 100% to strict NC and you could be a different person by Christmas. It's possible to reconnect to your husband, but you won't be in a position to know this until you've been in NC for months. You know all this - I know! I think you just want hugs and support from us today.

 

We've got it in buckets for you!

 

Now you've started posting again, keep doing it! It helps!

 

Do not worry or doubt that time will help.

It is like a physical assualt and its gotta be that way. We have to I believe hit rock bottom and be so angry with the situation that all we can do finally is stand back up, and try real life again.

It hurts very badly. The greif has overtaken me from letting an affair overtake me. Ive cried alone away from my loving husbands eyes so many times.

He knew as well we were friends so I could cry in front of him too and did many times explaining a friendship beeakup. How fair was that to my H who never loved me less or left my side.

I swear I didnt know I was capable of being nearly a sociopath as I became literally blinded by the affair bubble and thought I had it all under control and could have the best of both worlds. Justified it that I just wanted to be happy, it was the greatest high and no one was getting hurt. Happy at home, happy in private world during working hours. How did that all make sense.

But oh my how reality sets in, guilt and confusion and pain that APs in honeymoon stages dont believe they will see. You cant see the pain or the end coming. But they end. And then you battke, greive...its all so much.

And it DOES get better. But you gotta really REALLY want it. Commit and acceot it is over. So important. No false hope.

[Ophelia25]

But you gotta really REALLY want it. Commit and acceot it is over. So important. No false hope.

 

This is the trouble I'm having. I DON'T really really want it. I still want "the best of both worlds" - this is the ultimate selfishness, I guess, but we've more or less sustained it for 8 years, why can't it just keep on that way? And he doesn't really really want it either. He just wants an easy life with nobody making it difficult, so he has to change from time to time to adjust to what she wants and what I want. He will cool things off with me for awhile, she'll get happy again he'll come back, she'll get mad again, its just a continuous cycle.

 

And why on EARTH do I want that? Because I want him. Always have, and have no idea how to stop. I keep thinking that eventually, this terrible sadness when he goes away and stops talking to me is going to wear me down enough that I say, "This is it - I've had enough!" and I keep waiting and waiting for it to.

 

But, he goes away a few weeks and then he gives up and comes back and everything feels right again and I have no idea how to get strong enough to say, no - please don't talk to me, I'd rather just be miserable all the time for who knows how long?

Edited April 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[AlwaysGrowing]

This is the trouble I'm having. I DON'T really really want it. I still want "the best of both worlds" - this is the ultimate selfishness, I guess, but we've more or less sustained it for 8 years, why can't it just keep on that way? And he doesn't really really want it either. He just wants an easy life with nobody making it difficult, so he has to change from time to time to adjust to what she wants and what I want. He will cool things off with me for awhile, she'll get happy again he'll come back, she'll get mad again, its just a continuous cycle.

 

And why on EARTH do I want that? Because I want him. Always have, and have no idea how to stop. I keep thinking that eventually, this terrible sadness when he goes away and stops talking to me is going to wear me down enough that I say, "This is it - I've had enough!" and I keep waiting and waiting for it to.

 

But, he goes away a few weeks and then he gives up and comes back and everything feels right again and I have no idea how to get strong enough to say, no - please don't talk to me, I'd rather just be miserable all the time for who knows how long?

 

 

You need to figure out why the rejection of this particular person determines your self worth/value.

 

Once you figure out where this is anchored inside you...you can remove it and replace it with something that YOU can give yourself.

Edited April 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[msoptimistic]

Wow...not even thinking straight enough to get the month right! This morning on MARCH 16 was when I felt like I hit a brick wall and just knew that it had to end. See I have even caught myself at the end of a day thinking my dad had a doctors appt that morning and I had not even called to check on him but I sure had made it a priority to be in touch with MM or when my daughter was sick (just a cold but still..), I would find myself forgetting to call her but checking that phone to see if he had messaged. I put him on some kind of pedastool that he never asked to be put on then worshipped his every move. His wife is 28 years younger than him and I always told myself shed get tired and leave him. What a way to plan your future dreams huh?

I have no idea if my M will work but I do know if I make my H even half the priority in my life that I made him then we might have a fighting chance.

I'm terribly afraid I will break the NC rule. After all, I have been justifying really bad moves in my life for 4 years now. I loved him and the hole is huge that has to be filled. This is the first time I have felt so lost and yet in some ways so hopeful. I make this committment fir myself and fir my H whom I have done so wrong and for my family who I have neglected. Its bigger than my broken heart that hurts so badly. Its about being that person I want to be and I cant do that on any level with him in my world. Its about seeing beyond my selfish wants and desires to the bigger picture and coming to terms with the fact that his leaving his M wasnt the answer I needed. It may have been the answer I wanted but thank God it didnt happen before i've had somewhat of clarity of mind.

Thanks for the support and yes, I do just need a littke hand holding and encouragement and thank you all for that.

[ladydesigner]

You need to figure out why the rejection of this particular person determines your self worth/value.

 

Once you figure out where this is anchored inside you...you can remove it and replace it with something that YOU can give yourself.

 

This is usually the case. I agree, it is this ^^^ that really opened my eyes to all of my failed relationships including my M. My therapist was the first to point this out.

[Ophelia25]

I have no idea if my M will work but I do know if I make my H even half the priority in my life that I made him then we might have a fighting chance.

I'm terribly afraid I will break the NC rule. After all, I have been justifying really bad moves in my life for 4 years now. I loved him and the hole is huge that has to be filled. This is the first time I have felt so lost and yet in some ways so hopeful.

 

These comments help me out a lot, I hope they help you also.

 

My H is not the best husband ever in the entire world, he's done some crappy stuff (not as bad as I have, though), but he is a good guy who loves me and tries to make me happy. My AP mostly tries to make himself happy, with little regard for me, it seems. It won't take much effort to prioritize my H for awhile, and he certainly deserves that for sticking with me through all my idiocy.

 

As far as NC, I am good at it - but only as good as he is. The moment he breaks it, I'm right there. He's only ever made it for about two weeks, at at that point, the hole was just as wide as Day 1, so there was no way I could endure. Thing is, I know him - he gives up pretty quickly when he feels rejected. If I can resist contact once or twice, he will go until I contact him, and the problem will be solved. I hope to figure out how to psych myself up for that over the next couple of weeks while he's hiding and convincing his wife he's awesome again just in time for their 20th anniversary.

 

I really admire your attitude and determination to fix things despite the pain, and I hope I get there.

[msoptimistic]

Ophelia25 & Alwaysgrowing...thanks for the replies. I dont want this to end either and I have no idea why this mans opinion should even begin to define my happiness. He doesnt have a great job, no fortune, works 60 hours a week and treats me horribly and I'm like a puppy begging for more. I wish I knew his power over me and then maybe I could face it and then moving on might be easier but I dont think that power will ever be defined. So moving on becomes about realizing that its going to end (and probably badly the longer it goes), and the pain is going to be unavoidable and horrendous and necessary to reach a better place. The sooner I start the process the sooner I'll see progress and hopefully get on firmer ground. I love to read posts by Jenkins. In fact I search for them because he offers hope. And right now thats all I have. Hope for strength and determination and fortitude to see this through. I am not a weak person except where he is concerned. Now I have to focus on getting strong enough to see him in a real light and not through the fog...

[awkward]

It just seems so sad. In many of these threads you can replace the word MM with any drug and you get the same outcome. I am no expert. It just seems like it is about how the other person makes us feel about ourselves.

 

Love yourself. Let go. By Christmas you will be well on your way. It would be such a shame to allow the poison back in to your life and have to keep starting the ending process over and over and over for years. Because ending is all that will ever be there.

 

Here is a big hug from a stranger that wishes you peace.

[Ophelia25]

I am not a weak person except where he is concerned. Now I have to focus on getting strong enough to see him in a real light and not through the fog...

 

Please keep updating on this. I am in a very similar situation and need to see how people do it, as I am 100% lost right now. I don't want it to end, I feel like he's all I ever wanted, and it is apparently so very not that way. I've been in a delusion for so long that I have no idea how to learn to see reality, and I'm a really intelligent person who has mostly had her life together in nearly everything but this. All I know is that I smile and feel confident and loved when he talks to me and I fall apart when he doesn't. That ain't right.

[burnt]

From Google:

 

happy

adjective

feeling or showing pleasure or contentment.

 

Works for me

 

First Laugh of the day. Totally cracked up reading this.

Thanks Jenkins.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi,

 

I had PMed you before your last post. Some of my questions you answered but could you clarify some points. I ask because it seems like there is a void and issues in your marriage. I've read a few of your threads and skimmed many of your posts and notice you never or rarely talk about your husband and marriage. In short you have become a person who married in haste and repented in leisure. You live a day by day life of grayness.

 

You mention a 15 year relationship with MOW. Yet his wife is very much younger, in fact she would have only 13 at the start of your relationship with him. Why didn't you divorce and marry him in this gap?

 

Today is the first time you mentioned your husband in any meaningful way. On DDay my exWW was shocked to discover for the previous 6 years how unhappy and lonely I was. Dispite the really immense pain of her adultery, I felt relieved to finally be able to move on with clean hands.

 

How old is your daughter and is she the bio child of your husband? I ask because I seem to recall you saying you had no children and that you mid mid-seventies and he mid forties.

 

Your MOM had a DDay, did you and your husband have one?

 

Bottom line you need to be more seif-aware of your needs and your husbands needs. What do you and your husband get out of your marriage? I get the real sense he has sunken into a state of despair and resignation.

[msoptimistic]

Awkward...I agree 100% that an A is every bit as much an addiction as any drug...wish there was a rehab to check into & let a professional do their thing and fix me!

 

Jersey Born Raised...I was in an almost 4 year A with a 55 year old MM whose wife is 27. I have been married once previously and have 2 children by that M. I then remarried to my current H who has been an amazing stepdad. Yes, you are correct that I never gave my H the time of day when buried in the A. We hve some big differences and I used those to try to justify my "right" to be involved with MM.

 

The difference today is that reality whopped me upside the head this a.m. for some reason. Just became so crystal clear evident that there was no path this A could take and work. Somebody would pay and pay dearly. Could have been MM or me or his wife or my H or my parents or my kids or his grands or everybody. But it became real enough for some reason that I realized I'm scared of all the horrible possible outcomes.

I havent contacted him for the big I Love You and I always will and please dont forget me etc. I have let silence speak for me. I want peace. I know I love this MM and I know it cant work and I know I want to make my M work. And I know my H has faults galore but obviously I do too. This is new territory for me. Any other attempts at NC were halfhearted at best. I have to find a strategy that works in my mind to stay straight and do this for my family and myself. Still just too new to know yet!

[Horton]

I am married and my H knows about the A but believes it was over long ago and though it doesnt matter at all, the physical part has been. But we have talked everyday and I have held out false hope that I could force things into happening my way. Problem is that doesnt work on any level. IF he had left his wife, I would have thrown everyone in my life under the bus to get to him.

 

How did your husband find out about the affair?

Did the two of you agree to have NC with the AP?

Are you gonna tell your husband the truth or lie to him?

[Babsinhealing]

Msoptimistic- I'm sorry you are feeling so torn. You definitely came to right place as many of us can truly empathize. I know first hand that feeling you have and I hit that brick wall head on 12 days ago, ended it and went NC. I just got so sick of feeling that way- it consumed me and I just wanted inner peace again. However I knew it wasn't going to be easy and I'm not going to lie... It's hell. But everyday I get up and I feel .01% stronger. To me that is way better than I did the day before. Baby steps is all I'm after in order to do this right. My A was wonderful, he was wonderful, it lasted 19 months until DD and then we pushed it underground until 12 days ago. So it's still very fresh and raw for me but I, determined to move forward and get back to the me that I loved. Stay strong!

[msoptimistic]

I told him. We never discussed NC with AP. And I dont know. Let me get my feet on the ground and my head on straight and I will answer that ?. But if he ever directly asks me the question then I wont lie. I just have to be in a better place to tell him. He is a different one for sure. Never ever know how he is going to react to something.

[msoptimistic]

Thank you Babsinhealing...its amazing to realize how important peace can become. It doesnt mean I love him one bit less but it means there comes a time to accept life for what it is...maybe in another place or another time we would have been amazing together but thats not the card that life dealt. May I ask if you sometimes find yourself wondering what you did in you pre-A world? Thats what I caught myself doing today. Wondering what used to consume my time & thoughts before it was him? I'm in the early hours -not even a day- and I'm thinking what did I do with all my time before him? From the vey minute we met its been him and training yourself to rethink after an addiction is hard. But I'll take .01% and be happy and if I make it to Day 12 I may throw myself a party! Congratulations!

[Babsinhealing]

Thank you- I'm proud of myself for being strong but praying he doesn't break it because I have no clue how I would react! Let's hope he's strong too! Your question is something I think about often... He has consumed my thoughts for 19 months- more like 22.. And he still does and it drives me crazy. I've told my therapist I feel like I'm crazy because I've never thought of anything so much or for so long! However I have found myself lately thinking about other things - just small insignificant things but "other" things nonetheless. I'm also trying to notice more things in my environment - things that make me smile. For so long after DD I walked around in a dark cloud ... I could have won the powerball and been clueless! I don't ever want to feel the way I did 2 weeks ago - it was one of the lowest points of my life. I can't do that to myself again and will remind myself of that if he decides it's not over for him.

[123sadgirl]

I read here every single day but havent posted in forever because I haven't made any changes and there has been nothing anyone could say that would be positive about my circumstances. I know that. But today something has changed. I am so tired of the double life. Tired of no peace. Tired of wandering if a man who is married to another woman is going to have time for me today.

 

I am married and my H knows about the A but believes it was over long ago and though it doesnt matter at all, the physical part has been. But we have talked everyday and I have held out false hope that I could force things into happening my way. Problem is that doesnt work on any level. IF he had left his wife, I would have thrown everyone in my life under the bus to get to him.

 

I never considered my elderly parents in a small community and the embarrassment I would have caused them. Or walking down the hall at work and realizing everyone would know what I had done. Inside the fog it all seems worth it but destroying lives cant be fixed. My kids are older and I told myself that if I was happy, they would be happy. What a load of crap. And all of this for a man who has had almost 4 years to leave but wouldnt.

 

I hurt right now. Just as bad as when I buried my grandmother a few years ago. It is just as real as being physically assaulted. It is the hardest decision in the world to move on and yet its really not even a decision to be made. There really is no alternative choice is there?

 

So today I am going to work in the yard with my husband and cry when hes not looking and look for ways to reconnect with him while feeling broken. I know MM will not try to contact me so this is my cross to bear. He wont hurt or wake up in the night too sad to even go back to sleep. But I will and then one day maybe its going to hurt just a bit less and one night I will sleep through the night and not wake uo crying.

 

Someone posted on here recently that if you start now you will be so much happier by Christmas. Maybe that will be my gift to myself. Peace on the other side is what I pray for.

 

Thanks for the opportunity to write this. And if all of you good people would send some love this way, I sure could use it!

 

hi msoptimistic .. hugs to you:)

 

I know your pain and reading your story was like reading mine life now. It been 3 weeks now since i have any contact with exMM. We work together and i see him every day, which makes it so hard. The past few weeks been like hell, i woke up in the middle of night and sneak out of bed to cry today.. I don't think he feels the same way. I'm sure he is sleeping peaceful.. The pain is too much i have started looking for new jobs and i am hoping i can get one and move on soon too. I have been on NC for 3 weeks now.. Sometimes the pain is too much and other days it not so painful.

 

I hope we all heal soon and move on.. I feel a bit better some days because i have no high expectations of receiving a call or text, but my heart secretly hopes he will call or text me and tell me how he cannot bear not talking to me or seeing me.. I am hoping that hope will die soon too...

 

Hugs and kisses to you....