get out while you can

[privategal]

I hope you will hear me. Its humiliating to post this and go through these feelings and admissions again but I feel the responsibilty to share.

 

I was in this EA scenario for 15 years. We were colleagues, friends, missed our window to date before we were married, knew we had feelings both of us but steered clear of discussing or acting even though neither of us were married, we just mutually friendzoned eachother...stayed friends through both getting married, at this point we werent in love, it was not expressed at all.

 

Somewhere and out of the clear blue sky years into our marriages the formerly unexpressed crush and feelings were expressed and an extremely intense EA formed. Powerful like an inferno. It was more passionate and full of love and strongly mutually expressed emotions than I imagine any PA could be.

Online sex and texting becomes truly real. I hate the term addiction and like a drug because it isnt, it was real and raw. Pretty much the same thing as in person.

It was all day every day talk text calls. Definate desperate need for both of us to be connected and express love and desire, he was attached, loving caring and intense. It was more than sex the friendship also was a huge part, daily normal things.

As you can imagine, he felt guilt slowly but surely. It wore on him.

I was a world class compartmentalizer. By all appearances I was wife of the year insisting to my ap we need to be with our spouses weekends and evenings and keep a balance. We failed with that at times but somehow I really felt deep true love and bonds, sex and dates with my H. I never pulled away.

Ap loved his W too and never once did we discuss or plan to leave and be together. We just thought we could cobtinue to live a double life.

 

He didnt want to give me up so the push pull emotional roller coaster began when the guilt was strong.

He too (and myself a few times, mostly him) ended it, ghosted me for 5-6 months once and I nearly thought I was having a nervous breakdown from that pain. Wouldnt you know I allowed a friendship to pick back up even after that?

I was in so deep I lost myself. I was spinning as my love for my husband was strong and real but I had forgotten how to fully connect to it but wanted it.

After years we finally ended the sexual part and remained friends due to the almost decade plus at that time, we didnt go NC and couldnt leave eachother fully.

That was a mistake. A friendship could not survive. Pain and confusion snuck in on both sides as we tried to be all business. It hurt us both alot. We fought, made up, spoke about the inportance and need of our friendshiip to last.

It must have been an EA without the sex at all then, he never stopped saying ILY.

It was brutal, became toxic, more breakups, an everlasting cycle until one day recently he finalized the end of the friendship and I know just KNOW this time he meant it.

The fighting had corroded any good left.

We were completely spent.

It has changed me forever.

I chose to participate in this for 15 years through all the stages.

The greif Ive endured, the lack of self love and loss of self esteem, the time I can never get back.

I cant express strongly enough the trauma and daily feeling of living in a funeral. Its debilitating and humiliating and I chose it.

Its crazy I did.

I have the best life otherwise and times are STILL dark often because the pain is very real and will take time to go through. The consequences are severe.

I went to IC. Did nothing.

I may feel better in time, I believe I will.

Im clawing, trying, believing.

There isnt hope or desire to reconnect to EAP now.

I know we will never speak or see eachother again. Theres no doubt, zero chance this time.

It ended traumatically with the angriest most vile fight over email youd ever want to imagine.

Sadly that seemed my only victory in the whole 15 yrs was getting that anger toward him out. Nothing else good or romanticizing or fond memories exist.

Im exercising, limiting alcohol now, commited to health and pray this story helps someone wanting out or on the fence.

Its therapeutic and painful to share.

Im embarrased and ashamed.

Especially to the mow just love your husband. Try to get your eyes and heart focused back on that love. And love yourself too.

I want to help these boards. We all need help if we found ourselves here. It is a prison, and it can break you.

I find myself feeling the desperate need for support right now. For some reaso the anguish is so very strong and Im realistic to get out of pity mode but exhausted by constant pain right now.

Ive helped so many over time here and find myself needing help.

Edited March 16, 2016 by privategal

[tillwemeetagain]

just do what ever the thing that make you feel ok.. and I hope that the pain will go just like a scar that you will just feel the hurt again when you see it.. but will not endure it that much..

[Popsicle]

Privategal, I am surprised that you are still in such anguish after all this time and knowledge you have. I think it maybe has something to do with you being married and feeling hopeless.

 

Anyway, I hope you are just having a bad day (we all do) and it will pass.

[Popsicle]

15 years in an affair is a loooooong time.

 

It's almost like all you've ever known. You have to be reprogrammed.

 

You may need a lot more help from an IC than you think.

[ladydesigner]

15 years in an affair is a loooooong time.

 

It's almost like all you've ever known. You have to be reprogrammed.

 

You may need a lot more help from an IC than you think.

 

(((privategal))) give yourself the gift of time to heal. You spent 15 years with this person I would imagine that is going to take time to process and go through all the stages of grief, sometimes over and over again until you get through it. Anger is one of the stages of grief and is very normal.

 

I too recommend the help of a counselor to help guide you through the grief. It can be overwhelming and make sure you recognize depression if you find yourself there.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting today.

[awkward]

PrivateGal I wish I knew what I could say that would bring you some peace. All I can offer is hugs. Please treat yourself well.

[Lady2163]

As has been said, 15 years is a long time. You shared so much of yourself and your life with him. It is hard to let go when someone is such an important part of your life.

 

I've gone no contact in the last few years with three different female friends that I had known for 30 years. They were my "sister" and my family of the heart. I wouldn't hesitate to give them a kidney and I've got blood family members that I wouldn't do that for.

 

Two of them betrayed me and one of them, just couldn't stop excessive behaviors I couldn't tolerate or condone. She was buying condoms, booze, cigarettes and marijuana for her 14 year old and friends. At one point she got a 17 year old drunk and drug him to her bed.

 

Anyway, what I'm trying to demonstrate is my emotions were so strong for these three women. As each incident of betrayal and misbehavior happened and contact was cut, I never thought I would recover. I felt like someone had died.

 

And, as time went on, I realized how one-sided and unhealthy the relationships were. I realized there was drama and mistreatment and a lack of reciprocity. One of them expected me to drop everything whenever she called or had free time, but if I called her when it was convenient to me, she wouldn't answer the phone. It was all about her.

 

As time goes on, you might start to get some inkling how detrimental he was to you. But it takes some emotional distance. To be honest, I'm not fully clear of the third one yet, but I will be. And so will you. In time you will see how his actions weren't loving, caring or that of a true friend.

 

You can do this. You can get through this.

[privategal]

As has been said, 15 years is a long time. You shared so much of yourself and your life with him. It is hard to let go when someone is such an important part of your life.

 

I've gone no contact in the last few years with three different female friends that I had known for 30 years. They were my "sister" and my family of the heart. I wouldn't hesitate to give them a kidney and I've got blood family members that I wouldn't do that for.

 

Two of them betrayed me and one of them, just couldn't stop excessive behaviors I couldn't tolerate or condone. She was buying condoms, booze, cigarettes and marijuana for her 14 year old and friends. At one point she got a 17 year old drunk and drug him to her bed.

 

Anyway, what I'm trying to demonstrate is my emotions were so strong for these three women. As each incident of betrayal and misbehavior happened and contact was cut, I never thought I would recover. I felt like someone had died.

 

And, as time went on, I realized how one-sided and unhealthy the relationships were. I realized there was drama and mistreatment and a lack of reciprocity. One of them expected me to drop everything whenever she called or had free time, but if I called her when it was convenient to me, she wouldn't answer the phone. It was all about her.

 

As time goes on, you might start to get some inkling how detrimental he was to you. But it takes some emotional distance. To be honest, I'm not fully clear of the third one yet, but I will be. And so will you. In time you will see how his actions weren't loving, caring or that of a true friend.

 

You can do this. You can get through this.

 

I appreciate all the comments.

But this story helps to have someone know.

I see alot of calling APs best friends. I know that is often the perception.

My main mistake was while healing from the ending of the romantic portion, the friendship portion was alllowed by mw to remain.

It seemed very normal and natural and possible to be adults and admit the affair love portion could not survive, its a dead end road unless your making plans to be together...but we agreed to be the exception to the rule that you couldnt be friends. We thought we could beat the statistics and odds.

We were wrong so its like grieving both portions. We had hundreds of lunches together, sporting events and nights out drinking before we introduced any love later...my husband knew him through me and they were friends.

I just drug out the healing by not following nc and staying friends.

We had another breakup nearly 2 momths ago and I was SO perfect and devoted to NC. We live hours and hours apart and I visited home to an event he knows I absolutely have never missed, he knew Id be home and not even during my visit or before but AFTER the event I broke nc to say you could have come.

I broke my own heart after commiting to healing and moving on.

This was just this weekend.

My hurting is my fault.

He answered coldly, we need to move on and close this chapter.

Hes right for SURE. I knew that and alreafy had closure and I ripped open the wound to find him not even relieved to hear from me. And I dont even want him back in my daily life but 15 years, its like it should be this hard. Its a big deal to discard a person.

[whichwayisup]

I think you really REALLY need to grieve the loss, it's part of your life you're saying goodbye to, 15 years worth.

 

Embrace your better days and just ride out the bad ones. Eventually you will get so sick and tired of feeling so sad and missing him.

I knew that and already had closure and I ripped open the wound to find him not even relieved to hear from me.

 

How about this? When you're missing him and what you shared, "he's NOT thinking or missing me at all", tell yourself this: I'm wasting my precious time and energy crying over someone who isn't into me at all anymore. I don't exist in his head or heart so why should he exist in mine!

[privategal]

I think you really REALLY need to grieve the loss, it's part of your life you're saying goodbye to, 15 years worth.

 

Embrace your better days and just ride out the bad ones. Eventually you will get so sick and tired of feeling so sad and missing him.

 

 

How about this? When you're missing him and what you shared, "he's NOT thinking or missing me at all", tell yourself this: I'm wasting my precious time and energy crying over someone who isn't into me at all anymore. I don't exist in his head or heart so why should he exist in mine!

 

Yes, he had pleaded so many times for the friendship to remain, "dont leave us" "please have faith in me, always in your corner and care about you and love you"

I just had those things still stuck in my heart. I think I had like a mental meltdown to write him...I must have seriously had like an out of body experience. Ive preached nc til Im blue in the face. And I shouldve done in before I visited where it could have counted.

At first he replied I didnt think you would want me there...I didnt think I did either but it had been 17 months. I thought it could ease that void like it could be a healthy healing type meeting with all our friends. Then next he dropped it on me that we were no longer friends.

Not too long ago he said "whenever everything inside you is telling you 'be careful', trust in me, have faith in us"

Then....dropped again.

Its like yes we ended it and had a huge fight with a breif white flag raising after. but the feeling was we cant treat eachother this way anymore...its hurting both of us...like we now need to be distant friends from afar. Like I wouldnt be unwelcome to reach out, there was no NC agreement...we just simply stopped talking.

I said this time dont you dare ever reach out to me again ever in your life.

He wont either. Guarenteed.

[13Hearts]

I'm sorry you had the fight but I think it was the only way. You had to have the fight in order to end what you both knew needed to end.

 

You need to take this one day at a time. Don't focus on the future or ever or how long. Focus on getting through each day. When I have been distraught over things like this in the past, I have even had to focus on gettig through seconds. Then minutes, then hours and eventually graduating to getting through entire days.

 

I don't think you should focus on the past, or on him, either. Keep looking at yourself and using your energies and emotions on your husband, your marriage, your family. Leave what is done where it is. You can lament your loss but I would choose instead to focus on what is causing me pain, and work on that.

 

It is very easy to get addicted to things that are very unhealthy for us.

 

Hope you feel better soon.

[Lobouspo]

OP, congratulations, it takes a lot of courage to take ownership and responsibility and admit the pain and heartache you are feeling. Thanks for the cautionary tale. So many people post in this area rationalizing their affairs, the pain they have caused, thinking the situation they are in is "different" or "special". In the meantime they are being ripped away inside. I wish anyone contemplating an extramarital affair could read your post.

Edited March 16, 2016 by Lobouspo
typo

[rainbowsandkittens]

All I can say is how sorry I am for your pain, privategal. I always love the things you have to say- you give excellent advice. But giving it and internalizing it are two different things. I can only imagine how this feels having lost friendships (though not romantic) that were that long. It feels like a death. You have to mourn it. Whatever that looks like. Take time for you, do things you enjoy. You need space and time to get through this. My friends like to say "Feel all the feels." For some reason I find that very hard to do (avoidance, perhaps?) but I wish I could! Please come here and lean on us when you need to, we are/have all been in similar places and are here to listen. sending you hugs.

[Southern Sun]

((((privategal))))

 

Supporting you over here. It was very brave of you to share your story. Don't be ashamed. As hard as it is, you learned something from this additional contact. Something that apparently was still a lingering question in your mind. I am so sorry that it re-opened a wound for you, but you know how to start healing. You've done it before.

 

Grieving the loss of a relationship like this can be like a death. You are having to accept that a person is simply no longer in your life. And that is just very, very hard for us, when it doesn't go naturally, or fade. It is very real and very painful.

 

Today you start your better life. Cry as much as you need to but really know deep down that you ARE better off.

[privategal]

Oh my gosh Im so touched and humbled by your posts. I dont have it in me to address each one but I was into and reflecting on everyones.

I took the day off work.

I walked outside in the cemetary. Appropriate for greiving.

I thought alot of mourning.

I felt really alone but wanted the tears to come.

Deep sobs finally, Ive held it in.

I dont know why I was abandoned.

I dont know if its right to leave a friend.

The affair was over for over 2 years.

I was a great friend.

Im so humbled by it all.

Thank you guys.

[Southern Sun]

Privategal...I'm going to be straight with you, but saying this ever so gently -

 

I'm sure you were a great friend to him at one time but you crossed a line and it can't be uncrossed.

 

You went from friends to a very intense love affair that was addictive in its relating and caused betrayal to people you love on both sides.

 

It doesn't mean that you weren't a good friend before, but it does change the dynamic.

 

I am sure he still has love for you but he has faced reality...maybe you are just now getting there.

 

These are the consequences of your actions. That's what it is. You crossed the line and now you just have the consequences. So it's not that he DID something to you or abandoned you or that you were a worse friend than he was. You both did the same thing. It's just that the chickens have come home to roost.

 

It's really okay. It was going to happen at some point. You were going to have to face it at some point. It already existed. It was already reality. You just didn't believe it yet.

 

Hugs

[privategal]

Another thing I wanted to add is sometimes we (the veterans) read the stories and roll our eyes...met him at work, thought nothing of it, both unhappy and you try to help but your empathy gets shorter and your answers become more abrupt as its just so common you wanna scream get the eff over it...you cheated, it didnt work, move on.

And today and the pain of the last few days I found myself almost feeling a newbie and back at the start, rock bottom and it was good to be reminded that peoples pain is still raw and we all have no one else in the real world to understand. Gotta get help here and I respect the boards even more now.

Hugs back.

[Babsinhealing]

Privategal- I agree with so many of these posts- you always give such good, honest, tough love feedback and it broke my heart to "see" you in such pain today . But from someone that is a known to always be the "rock" for my family and friends- sometimes the rock crumbles and we need someone to sweep us up. It's ok to feel weak and cry and need support sometimes. We are all dealing with grief and pain- some further in their healing journey than others, but it doesn't mean those that are further along still don't hurt, feel regret or pine for the things or people we lose. Know that you have a lot of support here and don't feel you always need to be strong. Take all these virtual hugs and let them comfort you.

[Grey Cloud]

We had another breakup nearly 2 momths ago and I was SO perfect and devoted to NC. We live hours and hours apart and I visited home to an event he knows I absolutely have never missed, he knew Id be home and not even during my visit or before but AFTER the event I broke nc to say you could have come.

I broke my own heart after commiting to healing and moving on.

This was just this weekend.

My hurting is my fault.

He answered coldly, we need to move on and close this chapter.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting so much Privategal. Your posts to others always make a lot of sense to me!

 

 

Just double checking it was only just this weekend that the breaking of NC happened and you got a cold reply? If so, this is what has set you back and got you in a tailspin again. The fact that you had contact with him. I am pretty sure you said before the silence before from him was deafening and spoke volumes. Having that contact with him again has brought back the old emotional pain and also the fact that he responded in that way.

 

 

But now you know. Now you know that breaking NC achieves nothing. Now you know you wont hear declarations of friendship any longer. You have always struck me as a strong person and this is only a little glitch. I am sure it wont take you long to bounce back.

 

 

Maybe this has given you the final closure you needed? I cant imagine how hard it is after 15 years. Hugs!

[The Aftermath]

I hope you will hear me. Its humiliating to post this and go through these feelings and admissions again but I feel the responsibilty to share.

 

I was in this EA scenario for 15 years. We were colleagues, friends, missed our window to date before we were married, knew we had feelings both of us but steered clear of discussing or acting even though neither of us were married, we just mutually friendzoned eachother...stayed friends through both getting married, at this point we werent in love, it was not expressed at all.

 

Somewhere and out of the clear blue sky years into our marriages the formerly unexpressed crush and feelings were expressed and an extremely intense EA formed. Powerful like an inferno. It was more passionate and full of love and strongly mutually expressed emotions than I imagine any PA could be.

Online sex and texting becomes truly real. I hate the term addiction and like a drug because it isnt, it was real and raw. Pretty much the same thing as in person.

It was all day every day talk text calls. Definate desperate need for both of us to be connected and express love and desire, he was attached, loving caring and intense. It was more than sex the friendship also was a huge part, daily normal things.

As you can imagine, he felt guilt slowly but surely. It wore on him.

I was a world class compartmentalizer. By all appearances I was wife of the year insisting to my ap we need to be with our spouses weekends and evenings and keep a balance. We failed with that at times but somehow I really felt deep true love and bonds, sex and dates with my H. I never pulled away.

Ap loved his W too and never once did we discuss or plan to leave and be together. We just thought we could cobtinue to live a double life.

 

He didnt want to give me up so the push pull emotional roller coaster began when the guilt was strong.

He too (and myself a few times, mostly him) ended it, ghosted me for 5-6 months once and I nearly thought I was having a nervous breakdown from that pain. Wouldnt you know I allowed a friendship to pick back up even after that?

I was in so deep I lost myself. I was spinning as my love for my husband was strong and real but I had forgotten how to fully connect to it but wanted it.

After years we finally ended the sexual part and remained friends due to the almost decade plus at that time, we didnt go NC and couldnt leave eachother fully.

That was a mistake. A friendship could not survive. Pain and confusion snuck in on both sides as we tried to be all business. It hurt us both alot. We fought, made up, spoke about the inportance and need of our friendshiip to last.

It must have been an EA without the sex at all then, he never stopped saying ILY.

It was brutal, became toxic, more breakups, an everlasting cycle until one day recently he finalized the end of the friendship and I know just KNOW this time he meant it.

The fighting had corroded any good left.

We were completely spent.

It has changed me forever.

I chose to participate in this for 15 years through all the stages.

The greif Ive endured, the lack of self love and loss of self esteem, the time I can never get back.

I cant express strongly enough the trauma and daily feeling of living in a funeral. Its debilitating and humiliating and I chose it.

Its crazy I did.

I have the best life otherwise and times are STILL dark often because the pain is very real and will take time to go through. The consequences are severe.

I went to IC. Did nothing.

I may feel better in time, I believe I will.

Im clawing, trying, believing.

There isnt hope or desire to reconnect to EAP now.

I know we will never speak or see eachother again. Theres no doubt, zero chance this time.

It ended traumatically with the angriest most vile fight over email youd ever want to imagine.

Sadly that seemed my only victory in the whole 15 yrs was getting that anger toward him out. Nothing else good or romanticizing or fond memories exist.

Im exercising, limiting alcohol now, commited to health and pray this story helps someone wanting out or on the fence.

Its therapeutic and painful to share.

Im embarrased and ashamed.

Especially to the mow just love your husband. Try to get your eyes and heart focused back on that love. And love yourself too.

I want to help these boards. We all need help if we found ourselves here. It is a prison, and it can break you.

I find myself feeling the desperate need for support right now. For some reaso the anguish is so very strong and Im realistic to get out of pity mode but exhausted by constant pain right now.

Ive helped so many over time here and find myself needing help.

 

I wish I could take away your pain, but since I can't I just wanted to send some virtual hugs your way. I'm so sorry that you are hurting...it really is like a kick in the stomach when someone you once loved responds so coldly. I hope that with time your pain lessens.

[Forceawakensme]

Huge Hugs Privategal

 

I have always loved your posts, you are always so generous with your support.

 

Thank you so much for this latest post too -- you really have helped me (and im sure countless posters and lurkers) --- feel good about that.

 

I referred to you in my latest update on my thread as your post really spoke to me at the exact moment i needed it. xx

[privategal]

Oh my gosh so many of you making the most beautiful comments, I never even knew how people felt about me.

More confessions cause I want to be reansparent today...the rage...flat out rage and PAIN made me fire off about 6 emails describing how I felt..every one ending in do not dare write me back...thus morning...an email, I was in shock...it said in short, I am a broken man, your pain is bringing me to my knees Im so sorry.

It meant nothing.

I raged back...you arent sorry, youve humiliated me, left a friend, shocked me, and your "sorry" is for you and to absolve your guilt.

Do NOT write me again.

And he wont..it was just his selfish need to at least look as though he cared...notice he didnt pick up the phone nor email he wants to change the situation. I mean...I lost it guys, I feel like all the self control inside me just blew up..

I cannot reach out again ever, I think it was shock, like ptsd.

I am taking your hugs and good thoughts and crying in my car on my lunch break and praying to get tough and strong and gathered again.

I saw EVERY comment and it meant alot.

[yodelwithyu]

Dearest Privategal,

 

I am so sorry you are in so much pain. When I first posted on LS, you were one of the first to comment on my thread. I remember that your care and concern was palpable. It seemed you were a long time survivor, as you gave me great advice, and continue to help so many others all the time. I had no idea you had so much going on then, and I am so very sorry to hear you have it going on worse now. I am not the first to say it, nor will I be the last, but you have been there for so many of us, that you should know without a doubt that we are all here for you and rooting for you. I am not in the best state of mind to offer advice, but I didn’t want to let the opportunity pass to let you know I am here for you. You got me through my early days, and I will try and do the same for you.

 

Please keep posting or if you like, you can also PM me for anything. As they say, pain shared is pain halved. I am sending so many hugs, good vibes and lots of strength your way.

 

Love Always,

Yodel

[privategal]

Dearest Privategal,

 

I am so sorry you are in so much pain. When I first posted on LS, you were one of the first to comment on my thread. I remember that your care and concern was palpable. It seemed you were a long time survivor, as you gave me great advice, and continue to help so many others all the time. I had no idea you had so much going on then, and I am so very sorry to hear you have it going on worse now. I am not the first to say it, nor will I be the last, but you have been there for so many of us, that you should know without a doubt that we are all here for you and rooting for you. I am not in the best state of mind to offer advice, but I didn’t want to let the opportunity pass to let you know I am here for you. You got me through my early days, and I will try and do the same for you.

 

Please keep posting or if you like, you can also PM me for anything. As they say, pain shared is pain halved. I am sending so many hugs, good vibes and lots of strength your way.

 

Love Always,

Yodel

 

Wow. To yodel and to the others I didnt name by name because as soon ad I stsrt posting I cant see the threads to remember every name. Im in a fog.

But its important to face it head on...greive it hard and get the anger out.

Unfortunately I conducted myself with a ton a ruthless anger and hurt shown to him but...IDGAF what he sees me as.

This guy is a punk, a wimp, low and exchanged photos and phonesex and early morning calls driving to work, got off on skype for me while his babies were in the next room and his wife ran to the store. Trillions of I love you, I miss you, I care about you...then of course the years of plain frindship, coffee giftcards, drinks to laugh, vent, catch up followed by hugs so tight and long I couldnt breatge, checking in and cheerleading my life and I could see his viewing my LinkedIn in Private Mode as his city and industry showed. I can name a trillion more examples of how it wasnt only affair fog, it was 15 years of every stage and getting picked up, dropped again, forgiving, pushing and pulling and cobfusion. I was kind and loving andcrespected space, family time, asked for nothing, the last year initiated nothing...HE called everytime, HE sent every good morning email.

I never flirted or pushed boundaries after he ended the EA 2 years ago.

I just was respectful and hid my pain and rejection and allowed him to stay my friend. Thats what hurts the most.

I never let go nor left him cause he begged me to stay in his life....then

..just dropped.

I lost my $!#% on him SO hard in the last few days. It felt good.

And sad...for this is not who I am.

He wont be back..nor will I.

But I am in shock over that.

My last words to him were EFF YOU.

Wow.

[Grey Cloud]

Wow. To yodel and to the others I didnt name by name because as soon ad I stsrt posting I cant see the threads to remember every name. Im in a fog.

But its important to face it head on...greive it hard and get the anger out.

Unfortunately I conducted myself with a ton a ruthless anger and hurt shown to him but...IDGAF what he sees me as.

This guy is a punk, a wimp, low and exchanged photos and phonesex and early morning calls driving to work, got off on skype for me while his babies were in the next room and his wife ran to the store. Trillions of I love you, I miss you, I care about you...then of course the years of plain frindship, coffee giftcards, drinks to laugh, vent, catch up followed by hugs so tight and long I couldnt breatge, checking in and cheerleading my life and I could see his viewing my LinkedIn in Private Mode as his city and industry showed. I can name a trillion more examples of how it wasnt only affair fog, it was 15 years of every stage and getting picked up, dropped again, forgiving, pushing and pulling and cobfusion. I was kind and loving andcrespected space, family time, asked for nothing, the last year initiated nothing...HE called everytime, HE sent every good morning email.

I never flirted or pushed boundaries after he ended the EA 2 years ago.

I just was respectful and hid my pain and rejection and allowed him to stay my friend. Thats what hurts the most.

I never let go nor left him cause he begged me to stay in his life....then

..just dropped.

I lost my $!#% on him SO hard in the last few days. It felt good.

And sad...for this is not who I am.

He wont be back..nor will I.

But I am in shock over that.

My last words to him were EFF YOU.

Wow.

 

I can relate to that feeling of anger! My last email to xMM was much the same. I went off! It felt good. Sometimes I cringe and think I shouldn't have done it, other times I think it was the right thing to do because he was so smug about not getting caught and absolved his guilt so easily. I also made it clear never to contact me again. Sometimes we need to let loose to move on. After 15 years your MM totally deserved an EFF you!