get out while you can

[privategal]

GC,

The anger isnt good long term but I dont regret it because you throw away a person like trash...they dont get to just walk away and not see your pain or anger once. I think if even it makes it harder for one minute or they dont get to justify or pretend for one minute that they arent a jerk..then the anger shown was good.

For others reading...be careful as my advice is not to do it in many cases.

Especially if you have been in NC...it can still be an ego stroke for them to see you like that, it can make you feel worse, and most often Id advise going dark and that your silence speaks volumes.

In my case he is used to my being SWEET, all the time. A doormat of kindness.

So when he said that email to end it...not even a call, Im sure he was counting on the good, understanding, sweet side of me to respond and make it ok, tell him I understand and to wish him well in his life and all that stuff people say when they want to end nicely.

As for me, I wanted him to know Im not a pushover, its not ok, and I wanted to burn the bridge and make SURE he hated me enough to never come back ever and that he wouldnt feel loved or missed or pined after...that he would know I see him as a manipulator and a snake and a user.

I dont know that side of me so well.

Im so loving in my life, but that rage toward him felt amazing.

These exchanges have now gone on for four full days.

Its time for radio silence now, very imperitive I do not ever write again, but I sure did get my point across in a shocking way.

I feel proud of myself even for being so ugly, I got my point across.

I held my toungue and stifled my pain and confusion and feelings long enough.

And Ive got the rest of my life to live now.

I pray the healing process will be easier and less heavy than it has been so far.

The one thing that will help is hope.

Theres no hope.

No pining.

No false optimism or romanticizing.

Its sheer brutal done forever.

Still hard to say but I wanna just let that forever sit with me and be clear and realistic.

[jenkins95]

(((privategal)))

 

Oh privategal. Just read the whole thread and want to just cry - and give you a huge hug. You pain is palpable.

 

It's to your great credit that, while you are in so much pain, one of the reasons for posting is to warn others, as demonstrated by the name of the thread - huge credit to you for that. Your posts are always very heartfelt and when you help others and advise, support, etc you do it with such warmth and compassion - you are such a popular member here. When I see that you've posted to one of my threads I say a little "Yes!" to myself!

 

Your situation does indeed serve as a warning. My affair was 10 times shorter than yours, but I experienced many of the things that you allude to. After the initial ecstasy, dreamy period, when guilt and realisation started to kick in, it's like we were constantly trying to adjust and redefine our thing to accommodate the difficulties we were experiencing and the guilt we struggled with - should we just try to be friends?, should it just be sex?, Should it just be everything BUT sex? should we try to scale back - go back to the "innocent" flirting?, should we have a list of "rules"?, should we have a little break and then "see how we feel" afterwards? Ultimately none of it worked. When hearts and feelings get involved, even if you are great at compartmentalising, anything other than "everything" seems to fall short. If you get to that stage, but either or both partners cannot or will not leave their marriage, then the affair should end or more pain and heartbreak lies ahead at every turn. I know it's easy to say that in theory but very difficult to put into practice when you are all over the place and all you want is them. Eventually, one or both APs will simply not be able to take any more, and the other may be left destroyed, bitter and angry.

 

Your story shows that the same principles apply even if the APs keep trying for over a decade. It is indeed a very stark warning to others and I am proud of you for sharing this PE.

 

Keep posting PE. Thanks for the support you always give me - we are here for you. Lots of hugs today (((PE)))

Edited March 18, 2016 by jenkins95

[privategal]

So so kind of you Jenks, awwwwe WOW.

For years I have zero doubt the love was real, even the friendship without sex and ecstacy was awesome Im clear for us both. Im positive we both loved having the other in our lives, I dont have one single doubt even after affair fog and rose colored glasses are removed...this was a very true and real strong bond.

I couldve kept the sex and love you's out.

But we could suddenly just not stop fighting. It was so crazy that two seemiblngly loving cgompassionate people couldnt go back to sanity and just be nice.

Its like we became enemies over night.

It was easy for him to drop me cause in the end I respected the just friends and I think I wasnt stroking his ego...but also, he was using me to get over me.

Slowly fading me, My friendship was becoming less needed and special I guess and it was tainted by arguments.

It was corroding and we always worked through that due to rich history but it could not be sorted this time.

I moved to a new city a bit over a year ago. I think it was the beginning of the end but I thought it would be easier.

More space, new starts, I dont know but Im grappling with that word forever. Just wow. Hard. Surreal. How does one becone dead to you. How do you never see or speak to a person who was mutually and powerfully important.

Im not important or needed or relevant or missed. Its forever. Thats so surreal and heavy. I know its reality setting in and my eyes are open and the truth is settling that there isnt a chance or hope.

Its incredibly sobering and alot to accept.

I wont analyze or romanticize or hold on or reach out..but Ive not 100% let go yet. Its like I swallowed razor blades.

[Savannah2]

Privategal, I have always thought that your insight and advice to myself and fellow posters has been spot on. Thank you for always taking the time to respond. I hope that with time, you and all of us suffering on this board find peace within ourselves.

[privategal]

Thank you so much. I learned a new lesson in compassion for those new to the boards and suffering and to those who are years in or just still struggling and we all want to say LET GO ALREADY.

But letting go, or being let go is so humbling, so final, its a death and so hard to understand.

Very slight progress, extremely slight but I will take ANY progress and Im in for a looonngg road of recovery.

I read here every day to not feel alone.

I know in our lives this board is the last place we ever hoped we'd be.

Im so happy to be cared for when I needded everyone the most.

Thank you so so much!

[privategal]

Hey guys!

A really nice lady used to write here who went through a traumatic breakup.

She went through many months if greivibg and then finally did a little ceremony by a lake to say a final goodbye.

I never forgot the idea and want to truly mark the occasion.

Those kind of physical deliberate acts work for me.

Sounds dumb but can you help me brainstorm ideas of what to do in this event?

I worry I will get there and just look at the water and be like "goodbye I guess"?

I was wondering is anyone into new age? Meaning are there any oils, or tokens that symbolize goodbyes and bring closing energy type stuff?

Im willing to go to any length to have this out of my life.

Im extremely clear its final...used to never believe that each time it was done...hope would hold me to one or the other "fixing" it.

In this case it is extremely final and I need to mark that for myself.

Tell me your ideas on how to do that then I will personalize those and make it my own for me too.

Also maybe someone else will use this sort of symbolic way of putting their own situation to rest.

I find it would seem healing to do it in this way. It wont be a miracle but it woukd make it mych more real in helping me to let go.

[Forceawakensme]

Hey guys!

A really nice lady used to write here who went through a traumatic breakup.

She went through many months if greivibg and then finally did a little ceremony by a lake to say a final goodbye.

I never forgot the idea and want to truly mark the occasion.

Those kind of physical deliberate acts work for me.

Sounds dumb but can you help me brainstorm ideas of what to do in this event?

I worry I will get there and just look at the water and be like "goodbye I guess"?

I was wondering is anyone into new age? Meaning are there any oils, or tokens that symbolize goodbyes and bring closing energy type stuff?

Im willing to go to any length to have this out of my life.

Im extremely clear its final...used to never believe that each time it was done...hope would hold me to one or the other "fixing" it.

In this case it is extremely final and I need to mark that for myself.

Tell me your ideas on how to do that then I will personalize those and make it my own for me too.

Also maybe someone else will use this sort of symbolic way of putting their own situation to rest.

I find it would seem healing to do it in this way. It wont be a miracle but it woukd make it mych more real in helping me to let go.

 

Hi PG -- I think thats a cool idea! --

 

I dont have any great suggestions to add to that lake idea, but i can say that i once went to a "Letting Go" party at good friends house, we all sat around and talked about what we were going to let go of, then wrote notes to say goodbye --

 

We then let off Lanterns in the sky and watched them fly away -- i 'let go' of an ex bf that night (he was wonderful and i still loved him but for various reasons he wasnt ready to settle down, i was his first love etc..and we were both truly in love.. unfortunately though, the odds were against us.. with conflicting religions etc, considerable age gap, family health challenges on his part that kept him locked in his city that wasn't even my country ...so considerable challenges.. anyway, it all became too hard and painful so he ended it -- he later got together with a perfect girl for him, same religion/city and age and i am truly happy for him as he deserves happiness, he was a good soul.. .. but at the time i was just heartbroken )...

 

-- anyway i have to say when i was truly ready this ceremony was exactly what i needed to truly say goodbye and whenever i think of him now i think of that beautiful balmy night, the close friends i shared my love story with, the gas lantern i lit and watch flying up toward the stars....Anyway, it was a nice, pleasant way to shut a chapter in my life.

 

Of course, this is obviously a non- A example so the pain was a different kind of pain. No anger here. But in the case of A -- I will probably do something.. but honestly, right now im heading into indifference so fast, im not sure i could even be bothered ! lol

 

Keep us posted though hon, i love your updates.. and as always your advice is amazing.

[privategal]

Yes! I love that story and I had forgotten the paper lantern thing...I think those are common in goodbye/ letting go scenarios!

Thanks for sharing with me.

Full disclosure he sent his final email letting me go as his friend late Tuesdat then Wed-Sun every time a wave of anger hit me, I noted it in an email to him.

It was pure shock, like beyond rage or rationality. Its not recommended...immediate NC but in this case it was warrented, I accept myself, I stood up for myself and it has helped me now to get to THIS stage THIS week. I do not regret telling him how I felt. Bunny boiler be damned he learned me for 15 years so he should know I am no where near.

I wouldnt pretend I am anywhere CLOSE to acceptance or indifference, but I am 99% out of the woods in denial and some of the anger is dissapating.

I had a smile a few times this weekend and I had to stop and really take notice...am I really smiling? Wow.

Its very rare but I am a practiced greiver.

I know what to do.

The difference this time has been the finality of it. Makes it heavier and weighs on me alot more than ever before.

So it would be very fake of me to have such a goodbye ceremony today...I want to be ready but Im looking forward to doibg it with a marked event as I need a tangible thing for myself odd as it sounds.

Hugs back!

Edited March 21, 2016 by privategal

[TerraIncognita]

Take a helium filled baloon. Release it symbolizing letting go of him, your love for him, your pain and anguish. It's hard to unclench that fist. But it's also so liberating.

 

Good luck to you. You'll get through this. In a few months you will look back and be amazed how far you have gotten. One day at a time. Only you and time can help you. Do your part, heal yourself. It does get better.

[Josmatjes]

Burn all pictures cards or mementos and then bring the ashes to the beach... Say that you've learned a lot about yourself and the world around you but it's time to turn the page in the book of your life, goodbye.. And then let those ashes fly!!

[privategal]

Thank you guys. Not ready yet...still filled with alot of heavy resentment and anger. I think it would be good to do when Im not tying myself to him still with hard feelings.

Forgiveness seems impossible but ig I achieve it, it will be for me not him and I'll never let him know or speak to him again.

I dont have one tangible momento of him nor anything on phone or email.

But Ive since found the letting go project and theres lots of ideas.

Right now revenge floods my mind but zero plans to act on that. Id love to though.

[Shadowburn]

I am so sorry you're going through this.

I enjoy reading you're posts, you're always so down to earth.

You know what to do. It's still very hard to do, even if you know all the ins and outs of NC and seen it played out many times on these boards.

You KNOW it will get better. 15 years is an awfully long time so it won't be quick.

But you will get better, don't ever forget it in your darkest hour, and we all know how bad it could get. I used to remind myself that it's always the darkest before the dawn.

Love and peace and lots of hugs!

[Shadowburn]

Thank you guys. Not ready yet...still filled with alot of heavy resentment and anger. I think it would be good to do when Im not tying myself to him still with hard feelings.

Forgiveness seems impossible but ig I achieve it, it will be for me not him and I'll never let him know or speak to him again.

I dont have one tangible momento of him nor anything on phone or email.

But Ive since found the letting go project and theres lots of ideas.

Right now revenge floods my mind but zero plans to act on that. Id love to though.

 

Make a voodoo doll and get some really, really long needles

Joking! Hope you feel better soon

[privategal]

Awwwee Shadow so thankful for your words. On the real, the vodoo doll did cross my mind! LOL

 

I had six hours of driving today. Thats ALOT of time to think.

Ive had some small breskthroughs.

I feel he is likely very broken by my words, maybe very badly hurt, I didnt hold back one ounce and we were both sensitive. I wont apologize as it will only be an excuse to reach out but could be peecieved in a number of ways. I was verry cold and mean and cutting...more hurt than anger but it came out as rage.

I said my first prayer for him to be conforted and sent my apology out via the universe.

I dont want to soften my heart into nostalgia or reminiscing but rather enough to break the anger so eventually indifference could set in.

Anger ties more strongly than love.

I also realize from my roots and upbringing in my faith, that if God loves me and forgives me, he does all of us, even him.

Finally this healing business...ugh..well I rhink one tiny good moment happens here and there, then another one...then a few more join together, then a few more simultaneously, and you start living agaib.

I likely did need to learn this lesson one more time the hard way. Also he wouldve HAD to be the one to close the door completely, I never would or could have I dont think. I did try.

The love was true and very strongly ingrained, the friendship was part of my identity. I didnt ask for much so I thought I was easy to love.

But we dont have kids and decided it was easy and best for us to rent a nice place forever.

But he has kids, is the sole breadwinner and a home...I see hes got alot more at stake. Even though we were truly only friends in the end, he never made the right choice and introduced me as a longtime friend and former colleague. So that secret would threaten his very livlihood. She was jealous of all women, rightly so...but when he found her we were legit friends. He was invited to our wedding, knew my husband well...it was all above board.

If it were never a secret friendship there may not have been the allure.

None the less..not really trying to retell my story but just writing it out helps.

Im really really looking forward to finally ending this.

I love life and people and joy and want to feel the sun again, feel truly happy again.

We dont just get to walk away with no consequences, or bruises. There would be no lesson learned and we'd probably all do it again if it were that easy.

So Im suffering through with my eye on health and Ive been falling apart, and lost and alone...but not for long and its humbling me and I am growing.

So...growing pains? lol always hated that phrase.

[privategal]

Ps. Always meant to say sorry for all my typos, I type fast on my phone and the keyboard is tiny.

I type fast cause I have so much to say often. I can spell. Ugh.

[Ophelia25]

You want to let go of the anger, which makes sense as its destructive. But, do you think unleashing it on him was a necessary and even helpful step? I have moments of anger, but right now I'm too bewildered and crushed to think much about it. I'm sure I'll get angry at some point, but is it best to work through it in other ways than pummeling him with it?

[privategal]

You want to let go of the anger, which makes sense as its destructive. But, do you think unleashing it on him was a necessary and even helpful step? I have moments of anger, but right now I'm too bewildered and crushed to think much about it. I'm sure I'll get angry at some point, but is it best to work through it in other ways than pummeling him with it?

 

Yes I agree, it wasnt the best way in HINDSIGHT...it was the ONLY way at the time. I saw red, like ptsd. It was awful.

I acknowledge it was awful. But that unleashing has passed.

 

I owned it here, was candid about it, and didnt put it on the boards here to be judged but rather to be transparent, help others etc.

If you read back I said my particular actions were not recommended and also that I was sorry for them so not sure of your perogative in asking.

[Ophelia25]

Yes I agree, it wasnt the best way in HINDSIGHT...it was the ONLY way at the time. I saw red, like ptsd. It was awful.

I acknowledge it was awful. But that unleashing has passed.

 

I owned it here, was candid about it, and didnt put it on the boards here to be judged but rather to be transparent, help others etc.

If you read back I said my particular actions were not recommended and also that I was sorry for them so not sure of your perogative in asking.

 

I was only asking to try to sort through some of my own feelings. I've been angry so many times, and then let it go because things are just so messed up all around that it didn't seem helpful to be angry.

 

But then I think, maybe he needs to see how angry this makes me, how what he does hurts enough that I just want to scream at him for awhile, like maybe that would help. I was just wondering if it helped you to do it that way, like maybe it helped ensure it was over, or cleansed you in some way. You seem to be making a lot of progress, which I admire, and I was curious if having the opportunity to express your anger (even though it was spontaneous and you're sorry about it) was also useful to your recovery. You don't recommend it, so I guess you answered that, but being able to get out all those feelings instead of just going silent seems...I don't know, like it could be refreshing somehow.

 

*Sorry, I just read my earlier comment and it sounded a little accusatory, like I was saying you did it wrong. Not my intention. I was just wondering if maybe you did it RIGHT...

Edited March 23, 2016 by Ophelia25

[privategal]

Anger if shown in that way..in rage as I did...is not good.

It prolongs healing, raises cortisol and can make you look worse and feel worse.

He shouldnt get to know how you feel.

You can write that anger out, scream and cry or talk to a friend or therapist but dont tell him in my humble opinion.

Sorry I misread your question to mean WHY DID YOU DO THAT?

My apology but try and just stay silent if you are in NC.

If not...maybe work toward it and get ready to reclaim your life.

[privategal]

Hey there LS.

Ive still been grieving the end of the friendship. It feels like Ive been grieving for 3 years.

I first had to grieve the end of the EA where he was pretty clear he needed to focus on W and kids.

I made peace with that...never flirted again..even full on ignored a few minor attempts on his end so I could avoid further humiliation.

Next I greived the ghosting once I moved away...then 5-6 months later we repaired our longstanding friendship...then here we are...about a year later...our friendship that had been rebuilt the best we could o-v-e-r forever this time.

I only grieve because he said he learned, said I could count on it forever now...had invested 15 years...oh man.

I didnt want to make myself so busy...push it down...I wanted to face it.

Its harder than every one of our breakups before as I seem to KNOW...This time is forever.

Anyways so Im really greiving so I can get it OUT and heal.

Its HEAVY.

i saw a friend today..I dont have many in a new city...but she said "are you ok though, you seem tired or...?"

I relayed the version of the story...without the history...just the generic friendship breakup version.

She said...well, he took the easy road for him. He couldnt face calling you.

Whatever his reasons he just made it easy. But damn...I mean, I didnt ask for anything...he never had to see me, I wasnt calling his home, needy or asking for anything. I just cant understand WHY.

It was just...easier to ditch me?

Wtf...I mean Im 10 hours away.

Our Friendship was cool. We had bickering from our past here and there but like...you talk through it. We had difficult talks...we were good at it.

So, I guess Im not actually so stuck and overanalyzing, Im just blindsided still.

You lose an ow cause you could threaten your marriage. But a 15 year friendship when A was long over?

He still said ILY and called or emailed DAILY. His initiation.

Need some help processing. Promise Im getting there.

[Josmatjes]

Hey there LS.

Ive still been grieving the end of the friendship. It feels like Ive been grieving for 3 years.

I first had to grieve the end of the EA where he was pretty clear he needed to focus on W and kids.

I made peace with that...never flirted again..even full on ignored a few minor attempts on his end so I could avoid further humiliation.

Next I greived the ghosting once I moved away...then 5-6 months later we repaired our longstanding friendship...then here we are...about a year later...our friendship that had been rebuilt the best we could o-v-e-r forever this time.

I only grieve because he said he learned, said I could count on it forever now...had invested 15 years...oh man.

I didnt want to make myself so busy...push it down...I wanted to face it.

Its harder than every one of our breakups before as I seem to KNOW...This time is forever.

Anyways so Im really greiving so I can get it OUT and heal.

Its HEAVY.

i saw a friend today..I dont have many in a new city...but she said "are you ok though, you seem tired or...?"

I relayed the version of the story...without the history...just the generic friendship breakup version.

She said...well, he took the easy road for him. He couldnt face calling you.

Whatever his reasons he just made it easy. But damn...I mean, I didnt ask for anything...he never had to see me, I wasnt calling his home, needy or asking for anything. I just cant understand WHY.

It was just...easier to ditch me?

Wtf...I mean Im 10 hours away.

Our Friendship was cool. We had bickering from our past here and there but like...you talk through it. We had difficult talks...we were good at it.

So, I guess Im not actually so stuck and overanalyzing, Im just blindsided still.

You lose an ow cause you could threaten your marriage. But a 15 year friendship when A was long over?

He still said ILY and called or emailed DAILY. His initiation.

Need some help processing. Promise Im getting there.

 

I don't even know what to say. I don't know the words. I'm so sorry for you. I think your friend is right and he took the easy way out. I do though think that men compartmentalizations a lot differently. They make themselves very busy with work and just don't think of it. It hurts terribly that they are able to do this. My Xmm told me that us ending was easier for him because he threw himself into his work.

Our pain is difficult because we can't talk to anyone without being judged. Lean on your friends and just take it one day at a time and get out there and make new friends. I've read many of your posts and you seem like a lovely person and you deserve happiness.

[privategal]

I work and travel so much its super hard to make friends...I always believed if I kept up with my friends from home Id always had them. I have industry friends but zero time to form new ones outside of that.

He has his wife, kids, friends, parents, in laws...I just have hubby (which is awesome) but I just only wanted to keep everything in tact.

It ended so fast and bitterly and I wish we could at least be "holiday" friends or feel anything was salvaged.

We had such a cool bond, very close, I just cherished it, a thousand times he said he did too...you shouldve seen my b-day email...he sent his picture (his face I hadnt seen in a year) raising a glass with 3 paragraphs of how he was proud and honored to call me a friend and what a woman I was it was beautiful...that was only 3 months ago.

I just wish if we had to end our friendship he did it in a call, gave a few reasons, expressed regret.

It was shocking and humiliating to see his "end it, turn the page, start a new chapter" email...I just feel so abandoned. We are strangers over night literally and the void...he might as well have used a gun.

After he ghosted me after I moved and we repaired it several months later...I got to share how deeply and severly it affected me. I guess he thought the email this time instead of ghosting was less cruel?

I hate myself for caring.

I hate wishing even if just once more we could be civil and speak for like 10 minutes...I dont even know what words I need..but this...its bitter...cold...gone...years wasted, all thrown away...I was truly a GREAT forgiving kind friend. I loved being friends and felt proud of my resilience after he broke me.

I wasnt a doormat either...just cool you know?! Maann...I hope Im ok soon. Definately giving it my all.

[Rainbowlove]

Hey guys!

A really nice lady used to write here who went through a traumatic breakup.

She went through many months if greivibg and then finally did a little ceremony by a lake to say a final goodbye.

I never forgot the idea and want to truly mark the occasion.

Those kind of physical deliberate acts work for me.

Sounds dumb but can you help me brainstorm ideas of what to do in this event?

I worry I will get there and just look at the water and be like "goodbye I guess"?

I was wondering is anyone into new age? Meaning are there any oils, or tokens that symbolize goodbyes and bring closing energy type stuff?

Im willing to go to any length to have this out of my life.

Im extremely clear its final...used to never believe that each time it was done...hope would hold me to one or the other "fixing" it.

In this case it is extremely final and I need to mark that for myself.

Tell me your ideas on how to do that then I will personalize those and make it my own for me too.

Also maybe someone else will use this sort of symbolic way of putting their own situation to rest.

I find it would seem healing to do it in this way. It wont be a miracle but it woukd make it mych more real in helping me to let go.

 

Hi,

 

I think I'm that really nice lady

 

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. The pain of losing a love sucks!

 

When I sat by the lake, it was a special date for my and my AP. I gathered pine cones, rocks, sticks and leaves and made a pile...a kind of grave. I don't know why I did it.

 

I wrote a letter she never received and I sobbed until I couldn't cry anymore. I think I cried for a year straight before that day.

 

It was all part of my saying goodbye. It did help, but I still have my days.

 

It does take enormous courage to admit pain and to seek help.

 

Wishing you much healing and peace and love,

 

RL

[privategal]

Oh Rainbowww!!! Thank you!! I never forgot you and all of your amazing lovely advice. It meant so much to me many times and I think of you often.

Thank you so much for contributing to my thread.

You are still healing then?

I hope your doing ALOT better.

Cant thank you enough. Hugs!

[yodelwithyu]

Privategal,

 

I know you feel embarrassed or inappropriate with your ragey emails, but I don't think you should. It is good to get those things out. It would have only poisoned you if you had kept them in. And who better to tell than the person who created those feelings in you? Furthermore, he claimed to be your good friend, and good friends are who know how we really feel deep down inside. Yes, it was directed at him, but a good friend is supposed to be an ear and a shoulder.

 

I am sorry for your pain. I cannot imagine what you are going through. But he needed to hear your pain and anger, and you needed to let it out. End of story.

 

So many hugs.