get out while you can

[privategal]

Privategal,

 

I know you feel embarrassed or inappropriate with your ragey emails, but I don't think you should. It is good to get those things out. It would have only poisoned you if you had kept them in. And who better to tell than the person who created those feelings in you? Furthermore, he claimed to be your good friend, and good friends are who know how we really feel deep down inside. Yes, it was directed at him, but a good friend is supposed to be an ear and a shoulder.

 

I am sorry for your pain. I cannot imagine what you are going through. But he needed to hear your pain and anger, and you needed to let it out. End of story.

 

So many hugs.

 

Yodel, Thats really so nice and comforting to hear maybe you are right. Ive felt both sides of it, both justified, then feel guilty to look so dark. I cant go back and change my actions now so Im just thinking to try try try to look forward, and I think the hardest part is its forever now, thats really surreal. We never got to do it with dignity face to face or on a call.

One email from him and gone, done, bye.

Whew, Im getting better.

I have no romanticizing or false hope we will reconcile. Its clear I need to move on and am accepting that harsh reality.

Biggest hugs back.

[Rainbowlove]

Oh Rainbowww!!! Thank you!! I never forgot you and all of your amazing lovely advice. It meant so much to me many times and I think of you often.

Thank you so much for contributing to my thread.

You are still healing then?

I hope your doing ALOT better.

Cant thank you enough. Hugs!

 

I'm so glad to hear some of my words helped you, PG.

 

I am still healing, of course.

 

My pain doesn't interfere with my ability to live and to love, but I think when we meet and lose a soul connection (in my case), it takes a lifetime to heal.

 

I've tried everything to feel separation from her and healing; meditation, reiki, ethereal cord cutting, praying, and writing. I think the heart and soul needs time to move forward, but the raw truth of our feelings and experiences remains with us always.

 

Allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel.

 

Healing comes slowly. Don't judge yourself based on where you are with it, just be with it.

 

(Hugs)

 

RL

[privategal]

Ive been googling all those letting go techniques.

I have a theory now that I see it didnt help you completely...my theory is maybe all the effort to let go is actually another way of feeling stuck holding on as were still expending the energy to get over that bond.

Maybe just accept the pain and that a bond will always exist to a degree and in accepting that, the hold will be less?

Just a theory but Im so glad you wrote to me. So nice to hear the comfort and hear you are doing well, keep on that path, your doing great!!

[Rainbowlove]

Ive been googling all those letting go techniques.

I have a theory now that I see it didnt help you completely...my theory is maybe all the effort to let go is actually another way of feeling stuck holding on as were still expending the energy to get over that bond.

Maybe just accept the pain and that a bond will always exist to a degree and in accepting that, the hold will be less?

Just a theory but Im so glad you wrote to me. So nice to hear the comfort and hear you are doing well, keep on that path, your doing great!!

 

Agreed. Acceptance is key. I'm there. I no longer attempt to control my emotions or deny them either.

 

I'm in a good place in life, PG.

 

I wish the same for you, too!!

[privategal]

Remember my raging emails?

I lost all control. A few weeks passed he sent this to work. "I replied, I accept your apology" (wanted to end in kinder healthier way) he wrote "Im shocked you even ackowledged my reply, let alone accept my apology, I am speechless"

I ignored that final reply, it was the hardest thing I ever did but I will not ever write again, Im healing and going to stay strong forever.

I miss my friend every day and Ive greived so hard but I am determined after 15 years of HELL that this time, the bridge is burned forever and my life is going back to healthy and normal as hard as that is, as much as Id like to travel home (moved away havent seen him in 18 months) and sit down to hash it out over coffee, or a nice phonecall to hhear the kind voice again...I just have to tough this out and let it go. He had the last word. Here is what he said:

 

I want to take this time to tell you something as gently as I possibly can. I want you to know I’ve read all of the points that you have made, and I’ve tried to see things from your side and understand a lot of the validity in your statements. I want to tell you how sorry I am for the mistakes that I have made and more importantly, for the hurt and pain that I have caused you. I am as sincere as I can be in this apology, although I fear you will think I am just saying these things to make myself feel better, or for you not to hate me. I can tell you in full certainty, that is not the case. I say it, because I feel it. I am full of regret for the mistakes that I have made and the pain I have caused. There are hundreds, if not thousands of things that I wish I could change… I wish I could change the numerous mistakes that were made on my end… I wish I could undo any of the pain that I have ever caused you, especially now. I hold myself to a standard, and I have failed miserably. I want to be a good kind person, and it eats at me knowing I hurt someone who was so underserving. I am full of shame and full of regret and it eats at me daily. I am not writing this email in hopes of forgiveness or to wash my hands of this… I tell you this, because you deserve it…and you deserve none of the hurt you are experiencing. I want to take this small window, in response to what you wrote, and tell you, from the bottom of my heart… I am as sorry as I possibly can be and wish I could remove the heaviness that is weighing over you. I am sorry.

[rainbowsandkittens]

I'm so glad that he apologized. Without knowing him, that sounded really sincere and heartfelt. I am glad you didn't respond again and are continuing to move on. Did this give you any peace?

[privategal]

I'm so glad that he apologized. Without knowing him, that sounded really sincere and heartfelt. I am glad you didn't respond again and are continuing to move on. Did this give you any peace?

 

I think I didnt buy the sincerity, I think it ended so bitterly and with him looking like a jerk that this was to ease guilt. But the thing that brought me peace was ending it with this even if it wasnt sincere, it was more polite than angry emails and hatred and Id rather it end on that note.

[Babsinhealing]

Privategal- I know the ending of your A and friendship nearly killed you and I just want you to know that I commend your strength and resiliency. I've watched you on LS for weeks (with your highs, lows and bottom of the barrel) and now you've turned that energy into trying to help others and prevent the same sad ending from happening to them. I know you often give tough love, even to me, because you've been there but I also see you as a very strong, caring individual. I know it can't be easy but I just wanted you to know that you are a prime example of someone that can turn their own hurt into helping others and that takes a special person! (Hugs)

[Onlywhenitrains]

Privategal - we love you! Your caring, kind and heartfelt posts always hit home, even when it's a tough love you are giving us! I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through, and I hope you feel better. Healing takes time and patience. Keep posting. We are here for you!

 

And, don't forget those words that you once said:

 

"Every day you give him all this energy and thought...you cant get the time back. This day...today...you will never see this day again. Life is NOW and the days are passing so quickly." - copyright by privategal

 

Stay strong! Hugs!

[privategal]

Oh my goodness thank you so much babs and onlywhenitrains (and all of you) I am so humbled by the replies.

Oh my I have been so tough on these new posts, I dont even think of how tough or sweet, it just comes from the heart...I wish I could do something bigger or louder to help! And sometimes I need help too.

In the early stages it felt I was fighting for my very life my heart was so heavy.

Now Im 50% or more healed. The pain isnt as sharp, and I will never go back.

I still get chocked up when I say "NEVER" Because its forever and I want to be a full healthy unbroken human being again with one heart for one man and my mental strength, hope and resilience back. Ugh its been SO hard but Im in it to WIN IT!!

Here for all of you xoxoxo

[Babsinhealing]

Don't feel you always have to be strong! If you need help or have a weak day- allow people to support and comfort you. 50% means there is still 50% of you heart that is hurting and that is ok. I do believe you are in it to win it but this journey has many hills, bumps, dead ends and for some reason the sun doesn't shine that often on this road, but we can be your sunshine! I've met many wonderful supportive people on this site and every single one has been a blessing, including you. (Although some are mean and bitter folks, they can find another thread to post on but I won't go there right now lol). We are here for YOU too!

[privategal]

That is soooo incredibly kind. I noticed back when I was posting more about me the replies seemed to be less and less and I felt I was maybe obsessing and beating a dead horse. I felt like I told the story too many times lol and now all I can say is...Im hurting today type stuff.

Tough to wear my heart on my sleeve SO much.

Every day I pray for him to leave my mind 100% I want to think normal, be normal, not cry and care anymore.

I really wrecked myself. 15 years to end up empty handed I feel duped, robbed and I just want to be happy again now.

All I was and wanted was to keep a simple friendship.

He said in the apology..."to someone so undeserving" I wanted to ask SO BAD...if I didnt deserve it why couldnt you just stay my friend?

I moved almost 2 years ago to a new city and he abandoned the friendship right after and wrecked my whole new start...all the happy fresh memories, new places and things...he wrecked for no goid reason. Let him back...wrecked again. It SUCKS to be left and it ruined me and I wanna not let him dominate every thought since hes long moved on without me now forever.

[Babsinhealing]

Privategal- you are doing great but I still hear so much hurt and anguish in your posts. I don't blame you... I've only had my MM for two years and see what an impact he's made in my life- can't even fathom 15 years!!! I say this as just someone trying to help but Have you ever consider an antidepressant? I finally surrendered to them and I can't believe how emotionally stable I've become. I cope better, I lost that profound sadness I carried 24/7, I feel more emotionally stable. They won't take away the grief but they certainly allow you to handle it better. Just a thought... Maybe they aren't for you but they've done a world of difference on me and I'm a different person than I was a month ago. I'm not a pill pusher but sometimes we we face an emotional crisis- our bodies just can't deal. Just an option!! Like you, I just want to help!

[Grey Cloud]

That is soooo incredibly kind. I noticed back when I was posting more about me the replies seemed to be less and less and I felt I was maybe obsessing and beating a dead horse. I felt like I told the story too many times lol and now all I can say is...Im hurting today type stuff.

Tough to wear my heart on my sleeve SO much.

Every day I pray for him to leave my mind 100% I want to think normal, be normal, not cry and care anymore.

I really wrecked myself. 15 years to end up empty handed I feel duped, robbed and I just want to be happy again now.

All I was and wanted was to keep a simple friendship.

He said in the apology..."to someone so undeserving" I wanted to ask SO BAD...if I didnt deserve it why couldnt you just stay my friend?

I moved almost 2 years ago to a new city and he abandoned the friendship right after and wrecked my whole new start...all the happy fresh memories, new places and things...he wrecked for no goid reason. Let him back...wrecked again. It SUCKS to be left and it ruined me and I wanna not let him dominate every thought since hes long moved on without me now forever.

 

Privategal, I read all your posts and have been admiring your courage and strength to move forwards!!. Can I ask a question without hopefully causing pain.....why didn't he want to stay friends in the end? Did it just get too hard for him? Or was it because he wasn't getting the ego boosts etc if it was purely platonic? Sorry, if you have already answered this before!

[privategal]

Privategal- you are doing great but I still hear so much hurt and anguish in your posts. I don't blame you... I've only had my MM for two years and see what an impact he's made in my life- can't even fathom 15 years!!! I say this as just someone trying to help but Have you ever consider an antidepressant? I finally surrendered to them and I can't believe how emotionally stable I've become. I cope better, I lost that profound sadness I carried 24/7, I feel more emotionally stable. They won't take away the grief but they certainly allow you to handle it better. Just a thought... Maybe they aren't for you but they've done a world of difference on me and I'm a different person than I was a month ago. I'm not a pill pusher but sometimes we we face an emotional crisis- our bodies just can't deal. Just an option!! Like you, I just want to help!

 

I tried them YEARS ago unrelated and gained weight then this time I felt like trying on my own. To a certain degree Ive been doing really really good but sometimes its very dark and hard too.

I might consider for sure, still deciding...a little more time is needed to see if it lifts and I keep making progress.

I do really try no dwelling.

Theres no pics, momentos, we didnt have FB together (hes not on it) so zero online stalking or texting or writing or calling. I see progress. I think its the 15 year thing. Im nearly programmed to be friends. Thank you sooo so much Babs. Thank you.

[privategal]

Privategal, I read all your posts and have been admiring your courage and strength to move forwards!!. Can I ask a question without hopefully causing pain.....why didn't he want to stay friends in the end? Did it just get too hard for him? Or was it because he wasn't getting the ego boosts etc if it was purely platonic? Sorry, if you have already answered this before!

 

 

I really REALLY dont know. Its too much to speculate...Id love to understand. I guess eliminating the past, his shi#!y behavior, guilt...could be SO many reasons really. Hardest part has been understanding why. I dont seek closure though from him. I had so many follow up questions to his apology email but was too mad, too done, to shocked.

Felt like answering simply 'I accept apology" might be easier I had raged at him SO much the prior weeks I felt Id let that simple reply get my dignity back and be a better end. I just cant know I guess.

[Grey Cloud]

I really REALLY dont know. Its too much to speculate...Id love to understand. I guess eliminating the past, his shi#!y behavior, guilt...could be SO many reasons really. Hardest part has been understanding why. I dont seek closure though from him. I had so many follow up questions to his apology email but was too mad, too done, to shocked.

Felt like answering simply 'I accept apology" might be easier I had raged at him SO much the prior weeks I felt Id let that simple reply get my dignity back and be a better end. I just cant know I guess.

 

It really is just such a sad story. I am glad you didn't feel the need to rage and kept your dignity and head held high. Hugs!

[Ophelia25]

I find a lot of strength in your posts as well, and reality and experience. You have lived this for twice as long as I have, and you have,it seems, gone through every stage of the relationship and every possible emotion. Of course, we are all different, but seeing the evolution of an affair that became a friendship that then ended and seeing the pain that it caused makes me think even harder about where to go with this. My feelings for the MM are not going to change. Making a pitiful attempt at a friendship, even if he could handle it, seems like a waste of time and maybe eventually far more destructive.

 

I wonder, though, in your situation, you keep mentioning how completely, truly, over it is. How there is no going back. I almost envy that. Is it any easier, knowing that its actually done? I feel like part of what has been so painful with me is that his repeated attempts to end things just leave me open and panicked and terrified and fragile. And I haven't even begun to feel like I could completely end everything, because I know if I did, that would be it. Done done done. I don't make decisions easily, but once they are made, I don't tend to undo them. Sigh, except for this one huge one that has disrupted the last 8 years of my life.

 

Anyway, does it help at all KNOWING that it's over instead of wondering that it might not be all the time? I'm sorry if you have addressed this before, it just came up in my mind again as I read this most recent development.

Edited April 20, 2016 by Ophelia25

[privategal]

I find a lot of strength in your posts as well, and reality and experience. You have lived this for twice as long as I have, and you have,it seems, gone through every stage of the relationship and every possible emotion. Of course, we are all different, but seeing the evolution of an affair that became a friendship that then ended and seeing the pain that it caused makes me think even harder about where to go with this. My feelings for the MM are not going to change. Making a pitiful attempt at a friendship, even if he could handle it, seems like a waste of time and maybe eventually far more destructive.

 

I wonder, though, in your situation, you keep mentioning how completely, truly, over it is. How there is no going back. I almost envy that. Is it any easier, knowing that its actually done? I feel like part of what has been so painful with me is that his repeated attempts to end things just leave me open and panicked and terrified and fragile. And I haven't even begun to feel like I could completely end everything, because I know if I did, that would be it. Done done done. I don't make decisions easily, but once they are made, I don't tend to undo them. Sigh, except for this one huge one that has disrupted the last 8 years of my life.

 

Anyway, does it help at all KNOWING that it's over instead of wondering that it might not be all the time? I'm sorry if you have addressed this before, it just came up in my mind again as I read this most recent development.

 

Well, to address the KNOWING and finality of it...that was the most brutal heartwrenching part as we parted ways in our old city as great friends. We hugged and had coffee and I drove ofg knowing Id see him in a few months when we came home to visit.

Only I had no way of knowing it was the last hug, the last Id see his face or talk to him in person.

So never getting to sit down together again and talk it out, hear the explanatioms, end it together, with kindness and respect for a longstanding friendship was just unbearable.

From great friends to a wild wild love affair, to platonic friends, to enemies, soon to strangers.

Its hard to accept.

But...its starting to feel like relief.

I can breathe again, the anxiety is lifting.

I think I might just be ok.

I know the rollercoaster days will still come. Yesterday I was bright and happy...today...cried all the way to work and heavy. Its just time, time, time.

I truly wish this didnt happen but Ive had moments already where I feel free, where I think I might look back and see it was for the best.

I think its probably good to end, its real sad Grey Cloud you are right.

And Ophelia...so manyyyy times I thought to end it myself. I know my self worth and dignity and self esteem would have suffered WAY less if I were the one to take the reigns and the brave step to end it.

I can only tell you that you will be ok.

Once the end is pronounced and those first few weeks pass....you become a little more human.

You dont really have the choice but to keep moving. I dont want my life to end at 40.

I advise for anyone ending...do it politely, with kindness, say all the reasons so its clear for their closure, then make it very final and firm. Then you wont be tempted by maybe I should have done or said...no...close the door.

Id recommend then complete NC then jyst bear down...greive...because the greif and pain WILL cease but the Affair never will until someone takes control and makes a firm stand.

Otherwise a dday, a ghosting, it will just end HORRIBLY...so ending it kindly and no going back is best.

And...obviously...friendship is not going to work.

[Adoraxx]

Dear Privategal, 15 years is such a long time and I can understand that you're still grieving (I met xMM 8 years ago). May I ask why you made the decision to move? Did it have anything to do with the MM or did you move for other reasons? Was it hard for you to make that decision?

I know that if I move, that I will never see the xMM again. I mean, he doesn't even come see me now that I still live here, but once I move, I'm 100% sure that I won't see him ever again. And that's a scary thought, while at the same time it's freeing I suppose.

 

My parents will still live in the same town as xMM though and I wish they didn't because once I leave, I want to leave without ever looking back (just like when the settlers in the USA left their home country and left their loved ones behind knowing that they would NEVER be able to return)

 

Sending you much love and big hugs for this new day

Adoraxx

[Chuff]

I have nothing to add to what everyone has echoed here already. Your story made me cry, and I'm so very sorry you're in so much pain.

 

We love you and we're here for you. xoxo

[jenkins95]

You're one of the most loved members here (((privategal))). You've helped so many of us with your wisdom, experience and love. You've helped me and replied to my posts so many times.

 

You are inspirational. Your most recent post contained so much sadness, but more importantly, so much hope, clarity and optimism. And it's wonderful to hear you say that it is starting to feel like a relief.

 

Know that we are here for you and are thinking of you.

 

And privategal, you are 40 years old right? Wow! You are a baby - you have sooooooooo many great, exciting times ahead of you girl! the world is your oyster!

[privategal]

Dear Privategal, 15 years is such a long time and I can understand that you're still grieving (I met xMM 8 years ago). May I ask why you made the decision to move? Did it have anything to do with the MM or did you move for other reasons? Was it hard for you to make that decision?

I know that if I move, that I will never see the xMM again. I mean, he doesn't even come see me now that I still live here, but once I move, I'm 100% sure that I won't see him ever again. And that's a scary thought, while at the same time it's freeing I suppose.

 

My parents will still live in the same town as xMM though and I wish they didn't because once I leave, I want to leave without ever looking back (just like when the settlers in the USA left their home country and left their loved ones behind knowing that they would NEVER be able to return)

 

Sending you much love and big hugs for this new day

Adoraxx

 

I moved for work and was purposely seeking work in a new city. I was about to turn 40 and wanted a big new start with new places and things and adventure. I was feeling stuck where I was, antsy, not happy, bored...I knew life was bigger elsewhere.

All I had loved was in that city so leaving my friends and memories was hard but I was ready and just figured with technology, planes, facebook...Id stay in touch and visit.

If you do ever move Adoraxx if you end in a civil kind way (need to re-read your story Im getting everyones mixed up and cant remember if its over) and say a kind and firm goodbye, it will still hurt but the new journey will excite you and help you heal as all the triggers and reminders are no longer there.

My biggest regret was not saying a REAL and final true goodbye and closing the book when I left that last morning.

I should have never brought that friendship here at all.

I was so excited to see this city, its MUCH bigger than where I was from and so much to do its overwhelming and I wanted to do and see it all...and I have done so much but in the beginning when I first got here he called and wrote every day. I would send pictures at his request (not pics of me) but of all the landmarks, the beaches, where I was, what I was doing...I brought him along happily sharing my new journey then he broke up our friendship after about 2 months maybe.

Its hard to understand for some but it changed everything. The lights in my new city went out, all the experiences felt hollow...I live in a nicer place than we had ever been able to afford and my new beautiful apartment and patio became a place of greiving and tears. I started a new job and its my dream job and suddenly I could barely get myself out of bed to go...I went to work with puffy eyes, often hungover from drinking beer just to try to sleep, its been a nightmare and Im truly lost as to how ONE person in a world of billions could affect my whole life that profoundly.

So...if you move...my vote is close the door and dont bring anyone into the new journey who was not good for your life.

[privategal]

You're one of the most loved members here (((privategal))). You've helped so many of us with your wisdom, experience and love. You've helped me and replied to my posts so many times.

 

You are inspirational. Your most recent post contained so much sadness, but more importantly, so much hope, clarity and optimism. And it's wonderful to hear you say that it is starting to feel like a relief.

 

Know that we are here for you and are thinking of you.

 

And privategal, you are 40 years old right? Wow! You are a baby - you have sooooooooo many great, exciting times ahead of you girl! the world is your oyster!

 

When I read the words you wrote and Babs, Adoraxx, Chuff, Grey Cloud...Im not just saying this Im just so floored and overwhelmed to be loved here or to be able to impact anyone. Its really all I ever wanted to do and be in my life.

It helps me so much to know Im part of a little group or that even in pain we could still lift another.

Thank you!! At 40, Ive felt 70, but when Im feeling good and not greiving I feel 20 and am going to try and survive this storm and get the old me back!!

Im excited to be healing.

Hugs to All wooww, humbled.

[stilltrying16]

I'm very new here and making my way around the forum. I feel thankful to have found it. You are a poster who makes coming here so utterly rewarding. I read your posts over and over, nodding at everything you say. I really do marvel when I think how much thought, how much wisdom and how much caring you put into your responses to the pain of others. And to borrow your lovely word, I feel humbled when I read, and I think how can anyone possibly improve on anything you say. Anyone who has you in their corner is lucky. If a fraction of the good you put out in the world comes back to you (and of course it will) then you will weather this and other pain and heal completely!

 

I've been reading and thinking about your thread ever since it opened, but have hesitated to post because it feels presumptuous- or actually it feels redundant. I've been thinking there's not one thing I could say that you wouldn't have known already. But then I realized reading the other wonderful posts in this thread that the one thing I can say that you might not know is just how much a total stranger such as me appreciates in you- and how good this forum feels because you are in it! You have my warmest good wishes always. Sending you strength and hugs!