Second date at his house?

[Amytm]

If you didn't read my previous post, I'm 26 and have 4 kids (7, 5 & 4 year old twins). Today I went on a lunch date with a man I met through OLD. He is 32 and has 5 kids (9, 7, 6, 4 & 2).

 

We met for coffee at a local cafe and ended up going for a walk and talking for 2 hours. I had a lot of fun and really enjoyed my time. There was some flirting towards the end. We sat in front of the lake and ended up making out (he initiated). I had the butterfly feeling in my stomach and "down there". I've never had those feelings down there, I felt like I really wanted him to touch me there.

 

We ended the date because I had to get back to work. He said he wanted to make plans for another date right then, not call and figure it out later. I'm only available during my lunch or Friday night when my mom has my kids for a sleepover. So we said " how about you come over to my house Friday (his ex wife has the kids every other weekend) and I'll make you a dinner you'll never forget ".

 

That means sex right? I've only had sex with 1 man, my kids dad (who is not in the picture at all). And up until today I had only kissed 1 man. I'm really nervous to move that fast. He doesn't know I've been with only 1 person and I'm not sexually confident at all. I'm not sure I'm ready but I know people move fast these days.

[Redhead14]

If you didn't read my previous post, I'm 26 and have 4 kids (7, 5 & 4 year old twins). Today I went on a lunch date with a man I met through OLD. He is 32 and has 5 kids (9, 7, 6, 4 & 2).

 

We met for coffee at a local cafe and ended up going for a walk and talking for 2 hours. I had a lot of fun and really enjoyed my time. There was some flirting towards the end. We sat in front of the lake and ended up making out (he initiated). I had the butterfly feeling in my stomach and "down there".

 

We ended the date because I had to get back to work. He said he wanted to make plans for another date right then, not call and figure it out later. I'm only available during my lunch or Friday night when my mom has my kids for a sleepover. So we said " how about you come over to my house Friday (his ex wife has the kids every other weekend) and I'll make you a dinner you'll never forget ".

 

That means sex right? I've only had sex with 1 man, my kids dad (who is not in the picture at all). And up until today I had only kissed 1 man. I'm really nervous to move that fast. He doesn't know I've been with only 1 person and I'm not sexually confident at all. I'm not sure I'm ready but I know people move fast these days.

 

I'm not sure I'm ready but I know people move fast these days -- Yes, this is true, however, most of the time they get burnt . . .

 

It's ok if you want to be intimate with him, that's your prerogative. However, I tell women that anytime the sleep with a man for the first time, they should assume it will be a one night stand unless or until he shows her otherwise. In other words, sleep with him, enjoy it and don't expect to hear from him again. If he calls you the next day or 2 tops, great. But if you don't hear from him first, you let it go.

 

Personally, I'd ask him if you two could go to a public place and that it will be your treat. And, then I'd have a general conversation about your dating goals and find out what his are. These are overall goals, not specifically, with each other. If he says he just wants casual relationships and you are seeking a relationship for yourself, you're not on the same page to start with. Don't date a man who says he wants casual and continue to date him hoping he will change his mind.

[jen1447]

I think the meaning of the dinner-at-his comment depends on the context, which only you really know. It's entirely possible that he really means he'll just make you a truly great dinner, but if forex it was said in the heat of your makeout session when you were feeling all tingly, that'd probably imply sex.

 

You're controlling this tho, so if you don't want to have sex yet, don't. You can go to his place perfectly well and not have sex, despite what a lot of ppl seem to think.

[CarrieT]

" how about you come over to my house Friday (his ex wife has the kids every other weekend) and I'll make you a dinner you'll never forget ".

 

That means sex right?

Yes. He wants to get you into his house to get you into his bed.

 

Since you are new to this and just getting started, I *heartily* recommend you dial it back considerably. Stay in public places and don't make out as much so quickly. You will have the tendency to bond quickly to someone who expresses interest and this guy - with the number of kids he has - obviously knows how to get a woman to do his bidding. Be careful.

[Larryville]

Already inviting you over to his house after 2nd date? Never done or asked that so early on. I guess is dude has a cool house or is a great cook or something maybe. Bold move but too fast IMO but hey...

[Satu]

Proceed with caution.

 

Don't be rushed into anything.

[Amytm]

I don't want it to be a one night stand. I don't think I'd be comfortable with it. I've never handed out sex to just anyone and I dont want to start now. It's like my body says yes but my brain says no. Just thinking about it gets me turned on, making it really hard for me to think clearly.

 

When we talked today he said he wants a serious relationship and doesn't want to play around. He's divorced and said he believes in marriage. All his kids were with his wife. He told me she only has them every other weekend and every Wednesday. I didn't ask why.

 

I'm already starting to feel kind of attached and it was 1 date. That hasn't happened before with dates I've had. Now it's making me wonder if it's just him and I really like him or if he knows how to hook someone.

 

He asked me to go to his house after the making out. Like right after. As we were ending the date.

[PegNosePete]

Personally I would not go to someone's house when I've only met them once. He is virtually a stranger. Have some regard for your personal safety. Get to know him a bit better before being alone in a vulnerable position.

[mrldii]

I agree with the others who've said it's too soon.

 

If it's true that he's got 5 kids (who will be with their mom that night) and you've got 4 kids (who'll be with Grandma that night), I'd think you both would welcome an opportunity to get out of A house and do adult things, sans kids, for an evening.

 

Getting out and doing adult things in public, with other adults and sans kids, does not HAVE TO cost money.

 

 

Good luck to you, OP.

[CarrieT]

I don't want it to be a one night stand. I don't think I'd be comfortable with it. I've never handed out sex to just anyone and I dont want to start now. It's like my body says yes but my brain says no. Just thinking about it gets me turned on, making it really hard for me to think clearly.

Then you are in a pickle - and he probably knows it. Report here often and tell him up front that you will not have sex until you are in a fully committed relationship; which could take three to six months, at LEAST!

 

When we talked today he said he wants a serious relationship and doesn't want to play around. He's divorced and said he believes in marriage. All his kids were with his wife.

Yeah, well.... You have only known him for a few hours and he could tell you all sorts of things. Understand that the "turned on" feeling you are getting is going to cloud your judgment and put you into a honeymoon phase for at least a year before you will see his true side.

 

I'm already starting to feel kind of attached and it was 1 date. That hasn't happened before with dates I've had. Now it's making me wonder if it's just him and I really like him or if he knows how to hook someone.

It isn't just him. You were primed for it and - believe me - I have been there. You aren't as much attached to HIM as you are to the idea of him and someone who will accept you for who you are and all you are bringing to the table (pretty big baggage). Please, please trust me. He knows how to hook you.

 

He asked me to go to his house after the making out. Like right after. As we were ending the date.

Yeah, he wants a booty call. And he knows he can probably get you to do just about anything with enough prodding. I would be very careful to be alone with him anywhere for several months, at least.

[jen1447]

He asked me to go to his house after the making out. Like right after. As we were ending the date.

Ok well that was clearly in the hope of banging it out then, which makes it likely that's what he's after w/the dinner invite. If you're uncomfy or uncertain you should really put the brakes on right now. Esp. if you're not sure you can control yourself - that could lead to a lot of regrets later on.

[katiegrl]

 

We ended the date because I had to get back to work. He said he wanted to make plans for another date right then, not call and figure it out later. I'm only available during my lunch or Friday night when my mom has my kids for a sleepover. So we said " how about you come over to my house Friday (his ex wife has the kids every other weekend) and I'll make you a dinner you'll never forget ".

 

That means sex right?

 

Depends on what he mean by "dinner." ;)

[SSJROMANCE]

I don't want it to be a one night stand. I don't think I'd be comfortable with it. I've never handed out sex to just anyone and I dont want to start now. It's like my body says yes but my brain says no. Just thinking about it gets me turned on, making it really hard for me to think clearly.

 

When we talked today he said he wants a serious relationship and doesn't want to play around. He's divorced and said he believes in marriage. All his kids were with his wife. He told me she only has them every other weekend and every Wednesday. I didn't ask why.

 

I'm already starting to feel kind of attached and it was 1 date. That hasn't happened before with dates I've had. Now it's making me wonder if it's just him and I really like him or if he knows how to hook someone.

 

He asked me to go to his house after the making out. Like right after. As we were ending the date.

 

 

I say he's going too fast - ESPECIALLY if YOU feel that way. Here is a scenario that could very well play out: You go over, have sex, you are incompatible in that he is a sex maniac and you aren't, and the next day you leave. He doesn't call you for a couple days and you text him whats up? He texts you back that he doesn't think it's going to work. How are you going to feel?

 

Another scenario is that he was a cheater and a user and that's why he is divorced. He just needs to get laid. You are a perfect target because of your inexperience with being with guys. He tells you what you want to hear and you have sex. He doesn't call you for a couple days and you text him whats up? He texts you back that he doesn't think it's going to work. How are you going to feel?

 

I think to be sure this guy isn't a player that you make it clear you aren't ready to have sex with ANYBODY. Go on SEVERAL dates - get to know him. You haven't done that yet. If he is around when you are ready then that may be a good sign for a bright future between you two.

[Gaeta]

Do not go.

 

* You are both free with no kids I would expect him to take you out on a real date !!! This man is more interested in taking you to bed than he is in getting to know you.

 

* Say thank you but you would prefer to go on a few dates before visiting each other's home. If he's only interested in sex he'll disappear pretty fast. I tested it for you.

 

* He's a man online, most of them are only looking for sex, you have to be extremely vigilant if you don't want to be played.

[Satu]

As others have said, don't do it.

 

Tell him that you like him and want to get to know him, but don't want to go too far too soon.

 

If he is a decent guy, he'll be fine with that and respect you for it.

[Larryville]

Just one dudes example but...

 

Met someone online, we met for drinks early afternoon (conversed on dating site for a few days, on the phone once, she said lets meet we live in same relatively small town/city) She after drinks said she was having a big family gathering at a local restaurant but would I want to come to her house THAN NIGHT for more drinks and to chat. Turns out she literally lived a couple of blocks from me, less than a 2 min drive. No sex but was very touchy, intimate subsequent visits was increasingly aggressive, keep in mind I did not care I was VERY attracted to her, great person pushing all the right buttons. We will real hot and heavy for more than a month then BANG she slammed on the breaks big time.

 

Line from an email:

I share the blame for moving too fast, and spending too much time together too soon.

 

We stopped seeing each other, have never seen each other again.

She once made the statement about two weeks into us seeing each other “hey I can clear some space in my garage so you can park your car inside.”

Let me be clear I was not moving fast at all, she did. However she eventually as I said slammed on the brakes.

 

My point any sort of fast moving on either part no matter how seemingly great is a HUGE… MASSIVE red flag.

 

Proceed with extreme caution, when I see or read similar examples I always think of this woman and the bad thing for me is I was seriously into her and it messed me up for a time and subsequently the next few women I dated I was very (overly cautious) and still kinda bitter.

 

Someone has a thread “is dating worth it” or something similar for I time I was like hell F'ing NO!

 

Be careful

[okc85]

Well I'm a girl, but I've had second dates at home. But usually with someone I've met, and we've been talking on the phone for awhile, etc. I just have some social anxiety issues so I'm way more relaxed just watching a movie and eating dinner together. haha. But I can't say what goes through a man's head when they plan a second date at home.

 

But don't go if you're uncomfortable. He'll understand.

[Amytm]

Are all/most guys like that or is he just a jerk? Should I talk to him about it or just say I'd rather go out. I haven't told him that I've only been with 1 person. He could have figured it out, maybe.

 

I feel like I really like him. I had a lot of fun with him, he was nice, sweet, funny, quite attractive. He did a lot of nice gestures like getting doors, pulling our my chair, got some flowers from a street bouquet seller on our walk, walked me back to my car even though he was parked quite far away.

 

I don't know if I could control myself at his house. I'd get really turned on and things might just happen. I also don't drink often. I breastfed all my kids and one of my 4 year olds JUST weaned. I wasn't comfortable drinking while nursing. I get drunk easily and don't know how it would affect my decisions. If there was alcohol involved. I could easily not drink, I'm very use to saying no to that.

[CarrieT]

I haven't told him that I've only been with 1 person. He could have figured it out, maybe.

How? Is he a mind-reader? He's known your for - what? - three hours?

 

A

I feel like I really like him.

YOU DON'T KNOW HIM!!!!! You know what you want to and like what he is presenting...

 

A

I don't know if I could control myself at his house.

Then do *not* go to his house.

[Cinnamonstix]

Are all/most guys like that or is he just a jerk? Should I talk to him about it or just say I'd rather go out. I haven't told him that I've only been with 1 person. He could have figured it out, maybe.

 

I feel like I really like him. I had a lot of fun with him, he was nice, sweet, funny, quite attractive. He did a lot of nice gestures like getting doors, pulling our my chair, got some flowers from a street bouquet seller on our walk, walked me back to my car even though he was parked quite far away.

 

I don't know if I could control myself at his house. I'd get really turned on and things might just happen. I also don't drink often. I breastfed all my kids and one of my 4 year olds JUST weaned. I wasn't comfortable drinking while nursing. I get drunk easily and don't know how it would affect my decisions. If there was alcohol involved. I could easily not drink, I'm very use to saying no to that.

 

It's clear that you feel you don't have a lot of self-control in these situations. And emotionally, you aren't ready to be intimate with this man. Simply don't put yourself in this situation. Be casual about it - say you'd rather get out of the house. If he isn't accommodating to that then he is after your body.

 

It's true what Larryville said - things that start too fast often fizzle out just as fast. They are not based on truly appreciating another person for who he/she is. That part takes time. Given your situation as a mother of four with little relationship experience (other than one man), it makes sense that you would get attached easily. Getting attached easily often means getting attached to the wrong person. So take your time. You will save yourself a lot of heartache.

[katiegrl]

 

I don't know if I could control myself at his house. I'd get really turned on and things might just happen.

 

Which may be precisely what he's banking on....

 

Proceed with CAUTION.

[Satu]

It's clear that you feel you don't have a lot of self-control in these situations. And emotionally, you aren't ready to be intimate with this man. Simply don't put yourself in this situation. Be casual about it - say you'd rather get out of the house. If he isn't accommodating to that then he is after your body.

 

It's true what Larryville said - things that start too fast often fizzle out just as fast. They are not based on truly appreciating another person for who he/she is. That part takes time. Given your situation as a mother of four with little relationship experience (other than one man), it makes sense that you would get attached easily. Getting attached easily often means getting attached to the wrong person. So take your time. You will save yourself a lot of heartache.

 

Even Shakespeare agrees with Larryville:

 

“These violent delights have violent ends

And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,

Which as they kiss consume. The sweetest honey

Is loathsome in his own deliciousness

And in the taste confounds the appetite.

Therefore love moderately; long love doth so;

Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow.”

 

― William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet.

[Amytm]

How? Is he a mind-reader? He's known your for - what? - three hours?

 

 

YOU DON'T KNOW HIM!!!!! You know what you want to and like what he is presenting...

 

 

Then do *not* go to his house.

 

We talked a lot. He asked how long I was with my kids father (15-23) and if I've dated much since. I said I've gone on dates but they didn't go anywhere. I guess people hook up and do one night stands though. So maybe he didn't jump to that conclusion.

 

You're right, I don't know him so I can't actually like HIM. I like what he's shown me so far. I didn't feel like that on my other dates though. I just had much more of a connection with him.

 

I can already tell I'm getting attached too soon. I don't want to get hurt. I want this to work out. I like what I've seen so far and let's be honest, there isn't a line up of men wanting to date a 26 year old mom of 4.

 

Do I tell him that Im inexperienced in dating and sex? Or just keep that quiet? I have to tell him I'm not comfortable going to his house so soon.

[Satu]

snip

Do I tell him that Im inexperienced in dating and sex? Or just keep that quiet? I have to tell him I'm not comfortable going to his house so soon.

 

Just tell him that you'd rather go out.

[Zahara]

Do I tell him that Im inexperienced in dating and sex? Or just keep that quiet? I have to tell him I'm not comfortable going to his house so soon.

 

Nope. Some men will use that to their advantage and take that to mean you're naive and to be easily manipulated. And since you do not know him (talked a lot means nothing -- people can portray themselves to be anything they want), it would be best to keep that to yourself.

 

Do not go to his house.