Second date at his house?

[kendahke]

I don't want to be seen as easy. I want him to respect me and I want a LTR.

 

Then if you want an LTR and don't want to seem easy, don't be easy by giving it away the second time you lay eyes on him. It's really that simple. With some men, giving it up that soon takes all of the interest out of their chase--and they tend to think you're this way with every man. You cannot convince him that you're LTR material after the fact.

 

Nor can you sex a man into a relationship he has no intention on being in. You find that out by taking time to get to know him and what his intentions are before dropping your panties.

 

 

But I also want to have sex with him. And because I've never had these feelings I don't know if I really want to have sex, or I'm just turned on. Or if my preconceived ideas about sex are holding me back. Maybe all I really want is to sleep with him, but because I think that would make me easy and people would think less of me I'm holding back. OR maybe I just want a LTR and want to have sex because he turns me on and I'm not use to controlling those feelings. If I'm unsure when I'm with him I should wait.

 

Take a good long time figuring all of this out-- in fact, it'd be best to figure this out before you set out looking for a man. You're all over the map here and it's really easy to take advantage of such a person who doesn't even know their own mind. It's almost like you're looking for someone else to tell you what to think or to make up your mind for you.

 

Condoms.... I assumed they guy would wear them without hesitation? I didn't think I'd have to make sure he puts it on. Don't they care about their sexual health and not getting someone pregnant? Or do they just not use a condom if they trust the person to be clean and on BC?

 

NEVER ASSUME A MAN WOULD WEAR THEM WITHOUT HESITATION. Your sexual health is YOUR responsibility, no one else's. NEVER trust anyone telling you that they are clean if they haven't produced a very recent doctor's report--and I mean within the past 7 days.

 

Condoms will slip off--I've had many friends end up pregnant as a result of this happening. As fertile as you are, you already need to be on as solid a BC method as you can afford. Getting accidentally pregnant by this guy moves you out of the category of your children all being by one man to you having two babydaddies.

 

As you already know, it's easy to leave someone after they've had your baby. Some people just don't give a damb and will deposit and dump you because they are triflin' human beings.

[Summer3]

Then if you want an LTR and don't want to seem easy, don't be easy by giving it away the second time you lay eyes on him. It's really that simple. With some men, giving it up that soon takes all of the interest out of their chase--and they tend to think you're this way with every man. You cannot convince him that you're LTR material after the fact.

 

Nor can you sex a man into a relationship he has no intention on being in. You find that out by taking time to get to know him and what his intentions are before dropping your panties.

 

 

 

 

Take a good long time figuring all of this out-- in fact, it'd be best to figure this out before you set out looking for a man. You're all over the map here and it's really easy to take advantage of such a person who doesn't even know their own mind. It's almost like you're looking for someone else to tell you what to think or to make up your mind for you.

 

 

 

NEVER ASSUME A MAN WOULD WEAR THEM WITHOUT HESITATION. Your sexual health is YOUR responsibility, no one else's. NEVER trust anyone telling you that they are clean if they haven't produced a very recent doctor's report--and I mean within the past 7 days.

 

Condoms will slip off--I've had many friends end up pregnant as a result of this happening. As fertile as you are, you already need to be on as solid a BC method as you can afford. Getting accidentally pregnant by this guy moves you out of the category of your children all being by one man to you having two babydaddies.

 

As you already know, it's easy to leave someone after they've had your baby. Some people just don't give a damb and will deposit and dump you because they are triflin' human beings.

 

This post is good.

 

Amy. Do yourself a favor: Play hard to get. If he loses interest quickly then you know he just wanted an easy lay.

[kendahke]

I'm going to wait. I don't want to mess it up or get played. If he asks me back to his place after our date tomorrow, does that mean all he wants is sex?

 

I think that you've had this question answered by others upthread many times, but here is my unequivocal answer: more than likely, YES. He's not inviting you back to play Wii.

 

He was very confident on our date. He led everything and showed no sign of being nervous or anything. I was the opposite. Not a total nervous wreck, but he noticed ibwas nervous.

 

You're not confident enough to put your foot down and say "what are your intentions with me?" (something that needs to come out of your mouth with him); and because of your history with your ex---how you went along with his sexual appetite and never put your foot down for fear of losing him--should be enough for you to recognize this scenario being played out with this new guy. It's the same, old character being sent to you to learn the lesson you need to learn with your ex, but didn't, about standing sentry to your boundaries.

 

You need to wait because you're not psychologically strong enough to know your mind and trust your own judgement, not because you want to mess something up or not get played. Yes, those are important reasons, but they aren't the primary reasons you need to cool your jets.

 

You should not fear saying "no" to him. If he balks and stops seeing you, then good riddance--it's not the end of the world, as he wasn't the man that you needed in your life right now.

 

And perhaps, something to think about: you recently got out of a relationship, right? You probably need to spend time working on your self and your man-picker instead of trying to find someone to scratch your itch for you.

[Amytm]

My ex walked out almsot 4 years ago. I didn't date in that time because I was hurt, confused, finishing school, raising 4 kids and didn't think anyone would want me anyway.

 

I have an IUD. My OB convinced me to get one, and I'm grateful for that. I do have to have it replaced soon.

 

How often do condoms slip off? I didn't even know that was a thing...

 

I won't have sex with him tomorrow. I'll also ask what his intentions are.

[kendahke]

 

How often do condoms slip off? I didn't even know that was a thing...

 

When the condom is too large, not put on properly or while in a hurry--stuff like that.

[kendahke]

My ex walked out almsot 4 years ago. I didn't date in that time because I was hurt, confused, finishing school, raising 4 kids and didn't think anyone would want me anyway.

 

Ok. It was 4 years ago. Thanks for the clarification.

 

So, knowing this now, what work did you do on yourself in the 4 years you've been broken up with your children's father? Did you talk to a therapist? Do any reading up on the issues that led you to make the choices you made while with your ex? Anything like that?

 

What were the circumstances of you getting with your ex? Did it start out like this involvement with this new guy? How long between first talking to him to meeting him face to face to having sex with him?

[Cinnamonstix]

I am of the mind that you are going into a second date. Things should be easy breezy at this point. Save the seriousness and questioning his intentions with you for later. He has stated he is looking for a long term relationship, and so have you. That should be enough for now. Now you just sit back and see if he is a man who's actions and words coincide. There is no reason to wonder if he intends to have an LTR with YOU. Why should he? It's way too soon for either of you to know what you want long term with the other.

 

I'd also stay away from checking his online status. You've been on one date. You're both welcome to go on dates with others. You're not exclusive. Checking up on him will drive you crazy. It also shows lack of confidence *if* he can tell you keep looking at his profile (depending what site you use).

 

OP, generally speaking, you need to think of yourself as the prize and not worry if a guy likes you and what's going on with him so much. Pay attention to how you feel when you're with a man. Are you comfortable? Do you feel secure? Does he seem like he truly wants to know you? Does he compliment your looks more than your personality? These are the things you should be thinking about rather than how to be good in bed. It's okay to educate yourself, but that should come later if you want a LTR.

[Saracena]

.

 

 

OP, generally speaking, you need to think of yourself as the prize and not worry if a guy likes you and what's going on with him so much. Pay attention to how you feel when you're with a man. Are you comfortable? Do you feel secure? Does he seem like he truly wants to know you? Does he compliment your looks more than your personality? These are the things you should be thinking about rather than how to be good in bed. It's okay to educate yourself, but that should come later if you want a LTR.

 

This is so true! In addition, while you can safely assume he likes you, I think you need to know (as Katiegrl said yesterday) men value what they have to work for and something they have earned (worked hard for his prize) is all the more valuable. That's what always worked for me. I've never slept with a guy early on (it's just the way I am) until I've gotten to know them better and established their intentions.

[Rumely]

You should not fear saying "no" to him. If he balks and stops seeing you, then good riddance--it's not the end of the world, as he wasn't the man that you needed in your life right now.

 

This is a very good point. "NO" means "NO." Doesn't matter the reason. For that matter, you don't even need a reason.

[kendahke]

I am of the mind that you are going into a second date. Things should be easy breezy at this point. Save the seriousness and questioning his intentions with you for later. He has stated he is looking for a long term relationship, and so have you. That should be enough for now.

 

Were she in better command of her own judgement and had more experience with dating than she does, I'd agree. But seeing that she doesn't in either case, she does need to know--because the very thing she's saying that she wants to avoid is what her inexperience is leading her straight into doing. Right now, she needs to be clear on what it is she wants and to do that, she needs information.

 

And had she not spent time on the first date petting and kissing, I'd be more inclined to believe that he was willing to exercise restraint enough that he's not going to be trying to get her into his bed within 1 week of knowing who she is. But seeing that his suggestion for a second date was to come to his house for dinner? No.

[Cinnamonstix]

Were she in better command of her own judgement and had more experience with dating than she does, I'd agree. But seeing that she doesn't in either case, she does need to know--because the very thing she's saying that she wants to avoid is what her inexperience is leading her straight into doing. Right now, she needs to be clear on what it is she wants and to do that, she needs information.

 

And had she not spent time on the first date petting and kissing, I'd be more inclined to believe that he was willing to exercise restraint enough that he's not going to be trying to get her into his bed within 1 week of knowing who she is. But seeing that his suggestion for a second date was to come to his house for dinner? No.

 

Why not just let him show her his intentions, with his actions?

[No_Go]

He has 5 kids, you have 4. How comes you calculated 10?

Are you pregnant?

 

I know I shouldn't sleep with him. I think I just want to be prepared for when it does happen. At some point it will. Or if I'm an idiot and it happens tomorrow.

 

 

 

I just checked, he was last online Tuesday, the day he asked me out (for lunch on Wednesday). I haven't been on mine since either. I didn't think about it, just haven't been on.

 

He didn't straight up say that he wants something serious with me. He said he's done having fun and now he wants something serious and wants to remarry. He said he wants someone with kids so they understand him and he loves kids and might want another (that would be 10 between the two of us). I asked if he had been having any luck so far and he said "Not yet, but I like where I am right now" and gave me a look and smiled.

 

 

 

I don't think that I do. We didn't talk about sex at all, or things that I was unsure of. But who knows if he saw me as naïve.

[kendahke]

Why not just let him show her his intentions, with his actions?

 

Re-read her earlier posts and her other thread for background--it's all germane to my advice. His actions have born out that he's trying to get in her pants. That's why. Also, because she's trying to avoid being played at the same time yearning for his touch.

 

Like I said, if she had far more experience in the dating field, I wouldn't advise her as I so. But the fact of the matter remains, by the questions she's asking, as a 26 yr old woman, she is extremely naive about human nature. It doesn't serve her best interests to ignore what she's said already or act like she didn't spend the last 10+ years of her life with one man who tried to keep her pregnant.

Edited March 17, 2016 by kendahke

[Cinnamonstix]

Re-read her earlier posts. His actions have born out that he's trying to get in her pants. That's why.

 

Like I said, if she had far more experience in the dating field, I wouldn't advise her as I so.

 

I've read everything. His his actions AND his words make him sound like he is after her body.

[kendahke]

I would never tell someone to put on a gasoline suit and go light the barbecue grill, but trust the fire not to burn her.

[kendahke]

I've read everything. His his actions AND his words make him sound like he is after her body.

 

you see this, I see this, but OP doesn't see this, which is why I say what I say.

[Amytm]

Ok. It was 4 years ago. Thanks for the clarification.

 

So, knowing this now, what work did you do on yourself in the 4 years you've been broken up with your children's father? Did you talk to a therapist? Do any reading up on the issues that led you to make the choices you made while with your ex? Anything like that?

 

What were the circumstances of you getting with your ex? Did it start out like this involvement with this new guy? How long between first talking to him to meeting him face to face to having sex with him?

 

I saw a therapist for 2.5 years. To work through my ex leaving, being a single mom of 4, anxiety, post partum depression, figuring out why I let my ex totally control my life, why I was so easily convinced into things. My kids go once a month to make sure they are doing okay. I stopped going when there was nothing left to talk about really, after 2.5 years.

 

I met my ex in elementary school, 11 years old I think. He was a friend of a friend. We started dating at 15. Took a month and a half to kiss him and I'm not sure about sex, maybe 6 months. I wasn't ready, he just kinda did it and I was too nervous to say anything and froze up. He managed to convince me to get pregnant, and at 18 I did.

 

This is so true! In addition, while you can safely assume he likes you, I think you need to know (as Katiegrl said yesterday) men value what they have to work for and something they have earned (worked hard for his prize) is all the more valuable. That's what always worked for me. I've never slept with a guy early on (it's just the way I am) until I've gotten to know them better and established their intentions.

 

What do I make him work for? Just sex? We've already kissed and made out. Do you just know when it's time (you know them well enough, trust their intentions)?

 

He has 5 kids, you have 4. How comes you calculated 10?

Are you pregnant?

 

He has 5, I have 4. He said (twice) that he might want another when he gets remarried and wants someone open to that. So IF that happened there would be 10. He has full custody of his.

 

you see this, I see this, but OP doesn't see this, which is why I say what I say.

 

I don't understand why I cannot see it.... It's so easy for everyone else. A friend of mine said me rejecting going to his place told him that I wasn't interested in quick sex or just sex and that if he got the memo and is a good guy he won't even ask me to go back to his place tomorrow night.

[SSJROMANCE]

This is a very good point. "NO" means "NO." Doesn't matter the reason. For that matter, you don't even need a reason.

 

 

Yes but she should not PUT herself in the situation where this will be necessary. A vulnerable woman will say no and a strong predator won't take that for an answer. He strong man can "talk" a weak emotional woman into it - turning a NO into a MAYBE into sex.

[Amytm]

Yes but she should not PUT herself in the situation where this will be necessary. A vulnerable woman will say no and a strong predator won't take that for an answer. He strong man can "talk" a weak emotional woman into it - turning a NO into a MAYBE into sex.

 

Isn't just going out with him putting myself in that situation then? We're going to go out for dinner and there is a spring fair going on downtown, possibly a movie at a small, old school, (never busy), movie theatre if we feel up to it. But he could ask me back to his place at any time. He could try an dtalk me into it, I don't know. I feel like I'd recognize that. But if he was dropping subtle lines and signs to make me more comfortable then I'm not sure.

 

When my ex talked me into things he literally asked over and over again or said something so much it became true in my head. That I wouldn't fall for.

Edited March 17, 2016 by Amytm

[LivingDeadGrl]

IME I don't think someone calling you beautiful means they are only wanting one thing. I do find it tacky however when they do it too early. I also can't stand being called "hun" or anything that makes me feel like they're moving into relationship mode without being in one...If that makes sense.

I think you should go on your second date and try your best to be confident. Don't sleep with him though, he does honestly sound like a smooth talker.

It's hard to tell at this point if he is just inexperienced in the dating world, or maybe this is just how he spent his time wooing those women he had "fun" with after his divorce.

If you're finding it hard not to sleep with him, maybe make an internal number of dates before you consider it. 8 dates, 10 dates... etc. After 10 dates you should be able to feel out who he is, and if he is serious about wanting a relationship with you then 10 dates is nothing to wait for someone to be intimate with.

A lot of men will tell you what you want to hear to get you into bed, even if it takes them a month. Trust me I know. Just be careful, and don't let anyone take advantage of you. If you're not comfortable with something don't do it.

[S2B]

I've read everything. His his actions AND his words make him sound like he is after her body.

 

Either that or a mother for his 5 children.

[MidwestUSA]

Ok. It was 4 years ago. Thanks for the clarification.

 

So, knowing this now, what work did you do on yourself in the 4 years you've been broken up with your children's father? Did you talk to a therapist? Do any reading up on the issues that led you to make the choices you made while with your ex? Anything like that?

 

So, on that note, what work has a guy who's fathered five kids, the youngest of which is TWO, done on himself?

 

Oh, he's out playing, that's right. What work did he do to salvage a relationship when he had an infant?

 

Sheesh, my husband didn't date because he had a 16 year old at home still!

[Amytm]

Either that or a mother for his 5 children.

 

What's wrong with that?

 

So, on that note, what work has a guy who's fathered five kids, the youngest of which is TWO, done on himself?

 

Oh, he's out playing, that's right. What work did he do to salvage a relationship when he had an infant?

 

Sheesh, my husband didn't date because he had a 16 year old at home still!

 

I didn't ask the details about his relationship with his ex. All he told me was that she did some "terrible things" that ended the marriage and lost her custody.

 

If he's a bad guy for dating with little kids then so am I. My ex vanished from our lives. The only sign I have that he's still on the planet is the monthly child support check. Sometimes there is nothing to try and fix.

[MidwestUSA]

 

I didn't ask the details about his relationship with his ex. All he told me was that she did some "terrible things" that ended the marriage and lost her custody.

 

 

He can tell you whatever he wants. He knows he has you right where he wants you.

 

Hey, I'm not against sex. At all. Just heed the warnings of the posters who are telling you he may POOF after.

[xpaperxcutx]

Hey OP,

 

 

why are you so focused on the sex? Everybody is telling you not to have sex with him so early on, and yet here you are, implying that you might end up having sex with him and hoping he will like you for it?

 

 

Trust me, a guy will not stay with you just for the sex. And even if he does, that's actually demeaning towards you.

 

 

If you want a relationship, let a man win you. Not the other way around.