Second date at his house?

[No_Go]

It will be an interesting big family if you get together

 

Regarding the house date, I just see the big deal. If you have sex, you have sex. That's what it is. I don't think it is going to affect the relationship development much in any case. Playing games (staying out to avoid sex)... I'm not a fan. Stay out of you want to stay out.

 

I can imagine for a father of 5 it maybe a burden to stay out... I have no kids and still appreciate quiet Friday indoors after a long week.

 

I saw a therapist for 2.5 years. To work through my ex leaving, being a single mom of 4, anxiety, post partum depression, figuring out why I let my ex totally control my life, why I was so easily convinced into things. My kids go once a month to make sure they are doing okay. I stopped going when there was nothing left to talk about really, after 2.5 years.

 

I met my ex in elementary school, 11 years old I think. He was a friend of a friend. We started dating at 15. Took a month and a half to kiss him and I'm not sure about sex, maybe 6 months. I wasn't ready, he just kinda did it and I was too nervous to say anything and froze up. He managed to convince me to get pregnant, and at 18 I did.

 

 

 

What do I make him work for? Just sex? We've already kissed and made out. Do you just know when it's time (you know them well enough, trust their intentions)?

 

 

 

He has 5, I have 4. He said (twice) that he might want another when he gets remarried and wants someone open to that. So IF that happened there would be 10. He has full custody of his.

 

 

 

I don't understand why I cannot see it.... It's so easy for everyone else. A friend of mine said me rejecting going to his place told him that I wasn't interested in quick sex or just sex and that if he got the memo and is a good guy he won't even ask me to go back to his place tomorrow night.

[No_Go]

Great for the development of the story.

 

And again... I fail to see the big deal if you were to have sex. 2 mature single parents turned on by each other. Where is the crime?

 

Good luck, just follow your heart and keep your eyes opened.

 

I don't think I'm focused on sex. I want to spend time with him way more than I want to have sex. But he's literally the first man to turn me on. I find that I have a hard time controlling that.

 

I've made the decision that I'm not going to have sex with him tomorrow. I don't know about after that but I want to take it one date at a time. Talking it out, here, really helped with that.

 

I just had an STD test done today. I didn't plan on it. But I was having a pap done and my OB asked if I wanted STD check done too. I don't think I have anything but at least I can be sure. She gave advice about sexual health when/if we become sexually active together.

 

We're not going to have sex tomorrow though. I've decided that and am set on it. We're meeting downtown for a festival and I'm going to take my own car so I can leave whenever. Thank you for helping me talk through it all. I really hope it goes well tomorrow and he's as great as last time.

[Cora]

I just wanted to add that just because he invites you to his house doesn't automatically mean he wants sex. My ex invited me to his place for our third date and he cooked for me. I was there from 7 that night until like 2 in the morning and no sex was involved. The guy I'm dating now, he invited me to his place for the first date and he cooked for me as well. No sex was involved. We have actually been on 4 dates now and not even so much as a kiss. Was it wise to meet at his place for the first date? Probably not.

 

The point I'm trying to make is that not all guys invite you to their place just to get lucky. Is that more often than not the reason? Probably...I'm not gonna lie or try to sugar coat it. I've been to a guys pace before where sex was expected on his part.

 

You really have to use your best judgement here. If you have a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach about this guy or if you're not ready to sleep with him then by no means put yourself in an atmosphere where sex could happen. You have to trust your gut here. Only you know what's right for you. Any decent guy who really likes you for YOU and not just your body will understand and be more than happy having a date in a public area.

Edited March 18, 2016 by Cora

[xpaperxcutx]

I just wanted to add that just because he invites you to his house doesn't automatically mean he wants sex. My ex invited me to his place for our third date and he cooked for me. I was there from 7 that night until like 2 in the morning and no sex was involved. The guy I'm dating now, he invited me to his place for the first date and he cooked for me as well. No sex was involved. We have actually been on 4 dates now and not even so much as a kiss. Was it wise to meet at his place for the first date? Probably not.

 

The point I'm trying to make is that not all guys invite you to their place just to get lucky. Is that more often than not the reason? Probably...I'm not gonna lie or try to sugar coat it. I've been to a guys pace before where sex was expected on his part.

 

You really have to use your best judgement here. If you have a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach about this guy or if you're not ready to sleep with him then by no means put yourself in an atmosphere where sex could happen. You have to trust your gut here. Only you know what's right for you. Any decent guy who really likes you for YOU and not just your body will understand and be more than happy having a date in a public area.

 

This very same guy also asked her back to his house after the 3-hour park date. He made out with her, called her nicknames and came on mighty strong.

 

 

 

This guy is playing her.

[Cora]

This very same guy also asked her back to his house after the 3-hour park date. He made out with her, called her nicknames and came on mighty strong.

 

 

 

This guy is playing her.

 

Well those are definitely red flags that she should take into consideration. I always hate when a guy start using pet names with me early on. Doesn't sit well with me and makes me not trust them.

[Zapbasket]

Hi OP. I don't normally suggest relationship books but you should check this one out:

 

"Men Don't Love Women Like You: The Brutal Truth about Dating, Relationships, and How to Go from Placeholder to Game Changer."

 

Its premise is that no matter what they say, men are out for sex. By this, the author is not suggesting that all men are sleaze bags, but rather that it's just part of the dance between the sexes and women must learn how to steer dating in such a way as to weed out any man not genuinely keen on getting to know them and committing to a relationship. I know, it sounds trite and misogynistic, but it's more nuanced than that and it addresses a lot of the questions you have posed on this thread. I suspect you will find it very enlightening; I did. (I have tended like you to be naive when it comes to people's intentions and dating.)

 

Remember: YOU are the one in control here. If he is half the guy you think he might be, then he will accommodate so that you are comfortable. He is not entitled to anything that you don't 100% want to give him. I do think you are a bit too trusting and naive to handle giving in to your lust for him at this stage. If he's a player and walks, it's obvious that you will be hurt and confused, and I think the advice people have given you here is in an effort to save you from that. Because...we've all been there and speak from the expertise of our own regret.

 

Take some time to find out what he's made of. Is he really a nice, considerate guy who is interested in YOU or is he just saying whatever he needs to to get you where HE wants you? As the book I recommended illustrates, you find that out by not capitulating to him and seeing how he handles that.

 

There's no rush. If that tingly feeling you're getting is clouding your judgment, masturbate like mad before going out with him, just to get rid of some of that tension so that your brain can be in charge.

[CarrieT]

OP, you keep saying he is the first man to turn you on, but then flip the card and confess how inexperienced you are.

 

In truth, you haven't dated much and haven't been involved with enough men or had experience dating to get turned on or not, correct?

 

And just having sexual thoughts and desires for someone does not mean they are good relationship material. Many of us here have stories of those people we "had chemistry" with but ultimately had failed relationships with (I am one, yes).

 

This is why we are cautizoning you so heartily.

[katiegrl]

My gut tells me this bozo will probably break the date anyway (since he knows no sex), so all this is a moot point anyway.

 

Just a gut feeling, but we shall see.

 

Amytm have you heard from him? Tonight is the date, right?

[kendahke]

I saw a therapist for 2.5 years. To work through my ex leaving, being a single mom of 4, anxiety, post partum depression, figuring out why I let my ex totally control my life, why I was so easily convinced into things. My kids go once a month to make sure they are doing okay. I stopped going when there was nothing left to talk about really, after 2.5 years.

 

You might want to go back and talk about this situation you're facing right now. Your confidence in your own judgment is something that you probably should focus on with the therapist. The sooner you resolve that, the better off you'll be in the long run. You have to get to the place where you can trust yourself to look out for your own best interests. That's something you cannot leave to another human being, else someone will always be taking advantage of you.

 

I don't understand why I cannot see it.... It's so easy for everyone else.

 

And this too--you should get to an understanding with yourself on why you can't see this. A lot of it has to do with going through the "school of hard knocks" while we were all in our early 20's--when you were tied up with one man-- and coming out the other side bruised, but wiser on the topic.

 

A friend of mine said me rejecting going to his place told him that I wasn't interested in quick sex or just sex and that if he got the memo and is a good guy he won't even ask me to go back to his place tomorrow night.

 

And your friend is right. If he is a good guy, he will drop this until you two have gotten to know one enough well enough to determine if you even like being in each other's company without trying to land in bed.

[kendahke]

Isn't just going out with him putting myself in that situation then? We're going to go out for dinner and there is a spring fair going on downtown, possibly a movie at a small, old school, (never busy), movie theatre if we feel up to it. But he could ask me back to his place at any time. He could try an dtalk me into it, I don't know. I feel like I'd recognize that. But if he was dropping subtle lines and signs to make me more comfortable then I'm not sure.

 

When my ex talked me into things he literally asked over and over again or said something so much it became true in my head. That I wouldn't fall for.

 

Yes, he could ask you ask you back to his place at any time. He could try to talk you into it. If you think he's dropping subtle hints, then you have to be direct with him and point blank ask him what he's saying.

 

You have to not fear the consequences of saying "no". You have to learn to be OK with not having a man in your life in order for the RIGHT MAN to enter into it. It really comes down to that. The wrong man can talk you into things you don't want to do because you'd rather have any man than be alone--and that's not a place you want to be in. He will be able to talk you into anything because you're giving up your own personal power to someone who has not earned that privilege.

 

When he asks you to come back to his place, you have to say "no. I do not wish to do that. Let's end the evening here" *if* you don't want to be easy and *if* your end goal is a LTR. If all you want is to get an itch scratched, then do as you list, but understand: it may put you further away from what you say you want out of a relationship.

 

He might not be the guy for a LTR, no matter what he's saying right now--he just might be the same, old familiar character which the universe sends to you to see if you have learned how to trust your own judgment. If you demonstrate that your judgment is sound, then the right guy that you should be with can enter your life.

[Saracena]

My gut tells me this bozo will probably break the date anyway (since he knows no sex), so all this is a moot point anyway.

 

Just a gut feeling, but we shall see.

 

Amytm have you heard from him? Tonight is the date, right?

 

You may well be right but at least he didn't appear to up the ante when Amytm first declined the invitation to his place, which is in his favour, so far. However, I would be prepared for him bringing it up again at the end of the date. So A forearmed is forewarned!

 

A-meant to mention earlier I can empathise with your situation in that my current boyfriend is an absolute stunner and although I found it difficult in the beginning to keep my hands off him LOL, I managed to hold out for months! So it can be done! The thing is he was always very respectful of my wishes, still hung around so basically that told me he was one of the good guys!

[Gaeta]

In my dating years I have had home invitations for 1st date and 2nd date that I have always declined.

 

Those men pretty much all have the same reaction: OH sure no problem, if you don't feel comfortable we'll go out.

 

And we did go out.

 

All of them, with no exception, have bring up 'why not go to my home' after that date.

 

I have always declined. NONE of them pursued me after that.

 

Actually I am remembering 2 cases where they wanted to be invited to my home for 2nd date with lots of promises of no pressure, it meant nothing, etc. Both times, they tried to escalate the evening into sex, I had to ask them to leave my place.

 

That being said.

 

I had plenty of 3rd date home with no sex involved. The difference was I was the one doing the invite! I had spent 2 dates with them already, had plenty of communication, I saw no red flags so I felt it was ok to invite them over.

 

I also think it's improper for a man to

A) invite himself to my place

B) invite me to his place before I had invited him over to my place.

 

I think it's up to the woman to break that barrier and make the first home invitation because In dating women lead, she is the one setting the pace of the dating. When a man makes the 1st home invitation he's pushing the woman into something she is not ready for, had she been she would have invited him over to her home.

Edited March 18, 2016 by Gaeta

[Amytm]

I've been warned enough that now I know to expect him to want sex. I hope that he doesn't. But I know to expect to get hurt.

 

I'm not going to sleep with him tomorrow. And I'm not going to go home with him even if he says no sex. I want to take it one date at a time. That's easier for me.

 

Well those are definitely red flags that she should take into consideration. I always hate when a guy start using pet names with me early on. Doesn't sit well with me and makes me not trust them.

 

I really like when he calls me hun and beautiful. It makes me really happy. He's done it a few more times in texts and on the phone. To me they are sweet. But it does make me feel like we are closer than we are. So I'm aware of that.

 

OP, you keep saying he is the first man to turn you on, but then flip the card and confess how inexperienced you are.

 

In truth, you haven't dated much and haven't been involved with enough men or had experience dating to get turned on or not, correct?

 

I don't know. I don't know how often or fast it normally happens. I was with my ex for 8 years and never once had those feelings. After a long time in therapy it came to the conclusion that it was probably because I was suppressing it because of his (ex's) beliefs and how ibwas raised.

 

I've gone on dates with other men, even one who is a work friend, and I didn't have those feelings in the slightest. A friend of mine said I just didn't "hit it off" with them.

 

I know that having sexual chemistry does not mean we are going to run off and get married under the sunset. Bug between that and his actions it does make me feel closer to him than we actually are. Not ideal, but I'm aware of it.

 

My gut tells me this bozo will probably break the date anyway (since he knows no sex), so all this is a moot point anyway.

 

Just a gut feeling, but we shall see.

 

Amytm have you heard from him? Tonight is the date, right?

 

Yes, tonight is the date. We're going out at 6, I'll meet him there. I have heard from him. He called me last night and we talked for 2 hours. He led most of the conversation, I noticed. I fell asleep on the phone. A friend of mine said that's a classic player move to make me feel more comfortable before the date?

 

He texted me this morning saying he loved talking last night and can't wait to see me tonight.

[katiegrl]

Posted today (your last post)...

>>"I am not going to sleep with him tomorrow..."

 

>>"Yes, the date is tonight"

 

---

 

So which is it?

 

I presume tonight so be careful....

 

Enjoy!

Edited March 18, 2016 by katiegrl

[Amytm]

Posted today (your last post)...

>>"I am not going to sleep with him tomorrow..."

 

>>"Yes, the date is tonight"

 

---

 

So which is it?

 

It's tonight. I'm extremely tired right now.

[Saracena]

I've been warned enough that now I know to expect him to want sex. I hope that he doesn't. But I know to expect to get hurt

 

He undoubtedly will want sex but I wouldn't hold that against him! It's how you handle it that matters. I'm interested to know why you believe the above? Not a good mindset and a touch fatalistic. Need to reverse this. Remember you're the one in control here and believe me, practice makes perfect! One more think, stay away from the alcohol!

[Gaeta]

You sound so much like me when I started dating. I fell for every man telling me I was pretty. I could not identify a red flag even when it hit me in the head. I have learn with my mistakes, it was a long process, I didn't understand right away what I did wrong and I repeated again and again the same mistake. I needed it to grow and learn.

 

Good luck with the date. If you make mistakes so be it, it's not the end of the world. c'est la vie ma chère.

 

Update us after the date!

[Amytm]

He undoubtedly will want sex but I wouldn't hold that against him! It's how you handle it that matters. I'm interested to know why you believe the above? Not a good mindset and a touch fatalistic. Need to reverse this. Remember you're the one in control here and believe me, practice makes perfect! One more think, stay away from the alcohol!

 

So I should hope he doesn't ask for sex then? He'll want it, guys always do, but he should have self control? Almost everyone is saying that he's an a-hole, predator, player, who is going to bolt as soon as he A) gets sex or B) doesn't get sex or C) he's going to be controlling/powerful and use me.

 

I don't want to go into it thinking it's doomed and I'm trying hard not to. I want to give him benefit of the doubt but be aware of what might happen.

 

When I'm talking to him I forget about all of it and just enjoy him. When we aren't talking I remember it might all be for show to have sex.

[HereNorThere]

I've been warned enough that now I know to expect him to want sex. I hope that he doesn't. But I know to expect to get hurt.

 

This is a limiting belief and pretty far fetched considering the information you have. Look, this early in the dating game, you can only get hurt if you allow someone to hurt you. It's important to go into this with realistic expectations, but at the same time it's also important that you fun. Sex and relationships are a two way street. If you both mutually want to have sex, be safe and go for it. If you have any reservations about it, don't do it. It's really that simple.

 

You need to realize that YOU are the one in control. You are the one who decides whether or not this guy is worthy of your time. You are the one decides if you want to have sex for your own pleasure, not anyone else's.

[Amytm]

We're going out at 4 now instead of 6. So in just 3 hours. I'll update with however it went when I get home.

[Phoenician]

good luck amy ,

in every step you do ...

[Amytm]

I did something stupid.... It's long but detail might be important here.

 

We were supposed to meet at 6:00. He texted me and said "I know I've said this, but I can't wait to see you again. How about we get this date started earlier, say 4:00? More time I have to win you over before I have to kiss you goodnight."

 

So we met at 4:00. He kissed me and said "You get prettier every time I see you". He brought me flowers and a fancy pen with his work info on it (inside joke, last date I didn't have one on me and needed one, I said I never have pens on me). When he gave it to me he said "Now you have no excuse to not have a pen or forget my number" in a fun, joking way. We met downtown and walked to a festival. We walked around for an hour talking and seeing things. No kissing or touching at all. Then he said "let's go over to the pier", so we went. He pulled me in really close and kissed me, said how beautiful that spot was. Mini make out session and some sweet talk "you look great, your smile is gorgeous", then he held my hand and we walked back over. Walked around for another hour (holding hands).

 

Then we walked across the street to a really nice (expensive) restaurant. Told me to order anything on the menu. Had dinner, he insisted on paying. He said he loved talking with me and our conversations.

 

Then we decided we'd go see a movie, it was about 8:00. We were having a great time. We planned to go to a old school theatre but it didn't have anything good showing around the time we finished dinner. He suggested we go to the big main theatre but it's so busy and crowded. I suggested we go to a drive in theatre that I love. Once you pay you can go to any movie you want and watch as many as you want. And you control the volume from your car so we could talk, laugh, whatever and not disrupt people. He agreed and we drove there in our own cars (didn't make sense to drive back and forth). He paid again even though I said I would.

 

There was no other kissing at that point, just the first kiss and pier. Constant hand holding, though.

 

After we got there we agreed to sit in his truck because it's a lot higher than my car, more room, more comfortable and better sound. His truck just made more sense. He put the console up so the front seat was all one bench and we could sit close to each other. For the first half of the movie we just watched, held hands, didn't really talk (not in an awkward way, just into the movie).

 

Then I got a bit closer and put my head on his shoulder. He started rubbing my leg really gently (I got tingly all over) then he lifted my chin up for a kiss. Cue another make out session, that got heated. Heavy making out (that lasted about 40 minutes). He reclined his seat back a bit and pulled me on top of him, still making out. He said some things like "You're so sexy, I love kissing you, I could kiss you all night". He was really hard, I could feel it on my crotch/butt and he kept putting his hand down there (on him, not me) for a second. He wasn't rubbing it but like moving it?? I dunno. Sometimes it was right against my crotch and it turned me on a ton, but then he'd move it so it wasn't pressing against me. Did he not want his d*ck to touch me? Should I have stopped that?

 

He had his hands on my butt and would sometimes lift me up a bit and hold me there so I wasn't sitting on him, or he hold my hips and kinda push me into his lap. He was pretty twitchy. But then he said "We should stop" but kept kissing me and got more intense. Then he randomly tensed up a little like I was hurting him, said "f*ck" quietly and held his breath. I stopped, asked if he was okay and he said yeah but he had to pee. He went to the bathroom and came back. I had no intention of going further than making out and he didn't try to (that I noticed at least).

 

When he got back he asked if I wanted to move to another screen to see a different movie (that one just ended). I said yes. At the new movie it felt really awkward. He wasn't talking much and seemed a bit closed off. He kept looking over at me like he was waiting for me to say or do something.

 

Around 1AM the movie ended and we ended our night. It basically ended with a "good night, I had a really good time, I'll call you" and a kiss. The whole atmosphere was different. The super confident, super interested guy was just POOF, gone. About an hour later he texted and said "Sorry, I didn't mean to ruin the night. I've never done that before." Done what? Ruined the night?

 

Did he think I didn't actually want to do that and he pushed (he didn't)? I texted back and said that I had a great time and would like to go out again. He didn't text back (yet).

 

Is that it? Should I not have made out with him? Did I come off as easy? Does he think he pushed me into it? I had no intention of going further than making out, he didn't try.

 

We had really good conversations. It was a 9 hour date. He never mentioned going to his place. He said he wants to keep spending time with me and wish he could see me more. That he likes "where this is headed". Said he's only seeing me and asked if I'm dating other people. We work very close together so he wants top do more lunch dates. Asked me questions like what do I think about the idea of 9 kids under 1 roof (jokingly, but not really). And do I want more kids, do I believe in marriage. He asked more serious questions about my ex, like what went wrong, were we married. He told me more about his relationship with his ex and what went wrong. Got to know each other a lot more, likes and dislikes, upbringing, what we want in a relationship. I didn't say anything about only being with 1 person, even though there was a few easy opportunities to say it.

 

Did I completely ruin it? What do I do? I'm so confused. It was going so well all night then BAM, a quick cut off from kissing and he just shut down. He seemed super into the kissing but it's like he didn't want me touching him, but sometimes he did, then he wanted to stop but didn't, then abruptly stopped it after his weird behaviour. I'm so confused...

[MidwestUSA]

Girl, he shot his wad in his pants.

 

He's embarrassed!

 

"I've never done that before".

Edited March 19, 2016 by MidwestUSA

[TheArtist]

It was going so well all night then BAM, a quick cut off from kissing and he just shut down.

 

Yup, that's how it happens. Next time hand him a towel.

[Zapbasket]

Girl, he shot his wad in his pants.

 

He's embarrassed!

 

"I've never done that before".

 

Exactamundo.

 

Tell him what a great time you had. Tell him you love getting physical with him, but you're not quite ready to have sex (if that's still the case), and you hope he's cool with that. Tell him that make-out session was really hot for you, too.

 

Sounds like he's just a little embarrassed that he lost control. He'll come around (no pun intended ); just be sure you let him know how great the whole night was for you. Also, it sounds like he's genuinely sizing you up for a real relationship. Be sure you do the same--ask him questions that reveal how he's handled relationships and life challenges and such in the past, things that help you size HIM up in terms of attributes that are important to you in a serious relationship with long-term potential.

 

I'd still suggest waiting a while longer on having sex with him. You're still just getting to know each other and it all looks promising.