Second date at his house?

[katiegrl]

Yes, he has 5 kids. And I have 4. If he's some kind of bad guy for having 5 then I'm just as bad. His kids were all from his marriage, and he has full custody over them. He's not a deadbeat or running around impregnating everyone. My kids were all outside a marriage and I had them younger, so if he's bad then I'm worse.

 

Having kids doesn't necessarily make someone a bad person. And let's be realistic here, there isn't exactly a line up of people waiting to date either of us and a relationship with a childless man likely wouldn't go well. And thats okay, and that is NOT the reason I like him. It's just fact.

 

I like him, A LOT.

 

Yes, I am somewhat gaurded about it because my ex wanted as many kids as I could make. I dont want this guy to be the same. If he had his way, I'd be having them back to back still. He saw kids as some sort of status symbol. But then he totally bailed and I haven't seen him in 3.5 years.

 

This guy loves kids, he has said it and he's said he may want another. On our date we didn't dream of our children together. He asked 1 question, if I wanted more kids. That's a legitimate question! Why date someone if they want kids and you don't out vise versa.

 

Trust me, I'm very concerned about combining families if it ever gets to that point. That will not be easy for anyone and I wouldn't make that decision lightly. You can't just throw 9 kids under 10 into a house and expect it to be smooth as butter. Making that merge would be difficult.

 

I have 4 kids, I got pregnant at 18. I was with a man from 15 years old on. He was controlling and I spent most of my time with him. I rarely talked to other guys because he didn't want me to. I had hardly any girl friends because he didn't want me to. I was raised in a extremely Catholic home, I didn't watch much TV (I dont even remember what I watched), we didn't have internet, I was told from about 12 years on that sex is bad, kissing is bad, porn is bad, nudity is bad, female orgasm was bad, masturbating was bad. I wasn't even allowed to take sex education with my class. When I did start getting g older and breaking away from that I was having kids, when is their time to sit and read "how to have the best orgasms and 59 ways to please your man!"?

 

I am not teasing him. I don't tell him all the stuff I've said here. I don't say maybe we'll have sex but maybe not. The first date we kissed, nothing wrong with that. He invited me to his house for the second date, I said no. The second date we made out again and "dry humped" as you say. While doing that I said I don't want to go further. I didn't say that before then dry hump him. He acknowledged that and we didn't go further.

 

Today, we got a late lunch and that was it. He's home alone but didn't ask me to go over or try anything else. He said I could go over later if I want (business call for a couple hours) but it was completely open. And he said during the invite that we wouldn't do anything.

 

He knows now that I've only been with 1 person and respects that. He said we can go slower and he'll follow my lead and out the brakes on when he think it's necessary.

 

Amytm, I think you have in fact learned quite a bit from this thread....suddenly, miraculously you sound very strong!! Taking charge of your own feelings and emotions, and experiences, which is awesome!

 

Certainly not the same innocent naive young girl you portrayed yourself to be throughout this thread, even earlier today when you said you did something *stupid* (your words).

 

What happened to prompt this sudden change in attitude and well, personality?

 

Don't get me wrong I think it's awesome.... albeit a bit baffling.

 

But good for you, I hope it all works out for you!

Edited March 19, 2016 by katiegrl

[xpaperxcutx]

Yes, he has 5 kids. And I have 4. If he's some kind of bad guy for having 5 then I'm just as bad. His kids were all from his marriage, and he has full custody over them. He's not a deadbeat or running around impregnating everyone. My kids were all outside a marriage and I had them younger, so if he's bad then I'm worse.

 

Having kids doesn't necessarily make someone a bad person. And let's be realistic here, there isn't exactly a line up of people waiting to date either of us and a relationship with a childless man likely wouldn't go well. And thats okay, and that is NOT the reason I like him. It's just fact.

 

I like him, A LOT.

 

Yes, I am somewhat gaurded about it because my ex wanted as many kids as I could make. I dont want this guy to be the same. If he had his way, I'd be having them back to back still. He saw kids as some sort of status symbol. But then he totally bailed and I haven't seen him in 3.5 years.

 

This guy loves kids, he has said it and he's said he may want another. On our date we didn't dream of our children together. He asked 1 question, if I wanted more kids. That's a legitimate question! Why date someone if they want kids and you don't out vise versa.

 

Trust me, I'm very concerned about combining families if it ever gets to that point. That will not be easy for anyone and I wouldn't make that decision lightly. You can't just throw 9 kids under 10 into a house and expect it to be smooth as butter. Making that merge would be difficult.

 

I have 4 kids, I got pregnant at 18. I was with a man from 15 years old on. He was controlling and I spent most of my time with him. I rarely talked to other guys because he didn't want me to. I had hardly any girl friends because he didn't want me to. I was raised in a extremely Catholic home, I didn't watch much TV (I dont even remember what I watched), we didn't have internet, I was told from about 12 years on that sex is bad, kissing is bad, porn is bad, nudity is bad, female orgasm was bad, masturbating was bad. I wasn't even allowed to take sex education with my class. When I did start getting g older and breaking away from that I was having kids, when is their time to sit and read "how to have the best orgasms and 59 ways to please your man!"?

 

I am not teasing him. I don't tell him all the stuff I've said here. I don't say maybe we'll have sex but maybe not. The first date we kissed, nothing wrong with that. He invited me to his house for the second date, I said no. The second date we made out again and "dry humped" as you say. While doing that I said I don't want to go further. I didn't say that before then dry hump him. He acknowledged that and we didn't go further.

 

Today, we got a late lunch and that was it. He's home alone but didn't ask me to go over or try anything else. He said I could go over later if I want (business call for a couple hours) but it was completely open. And he said during the invite that we wouldn't do anything.

 

He knows now that I've only been with 1 person and respects that. He said we can go slower and he'll follow my lead and out the brakes on when he think it's necessary.

 

Having children doesn't make anybody a bad person, but the way that he is acting, makes all of us question whether he's looking for a baby mama, a girlfriend or just a fling?

 

 

Besides, we don't want you to be hurt, and given your background and history, having been in a emotionally abusive relationship where an ex tries to control your life, you're bound to be easy prey for other men. I've been where you were, my last ex also tried to control my life. Which is why I have a stronger guard up against men who are after sex.

 

 

You don't have a guard up. You are all over the place. You like this guy after what, 2 dates? And you keep emphasizing the need to want to have sex with him when you should be holding off on that for at least 2-3 months.

 

 

And why does he keep asking you back to his place? A guy who likes a girl always tries to impress. Is he taking you out again?

 

You don't see all the red flags because you're wishing this guy would be different from your ex and that he will the "ONE".

 

 

As women, we fantasize way too much when we should be scrutinizing a man not only for his words, but also for his actions.

[Amytm]

Yes, I like him after 3 dates. I've gone on dates with other men and didn't feel the same. Maybe he knows exactly how to get a girl to falll for him, or maybe we just have a really good connection. I can't read the future so I don't know. But I know what I feel right now.

 

He was a lot different today, and it made me feel a lot more confident in him being a good guy. We went for lunch and a walk. He didn't try anything, only kissed me a couple times. We sat outside on a bench and I kissed him a couple times. HE stopped me and said let's not go too fast today. I talked to him about my concerns, being inexperienced and he calmed my nerves. He basically said of course he'd love to have sex but he wants to go slow for me and so that we have a chance. And that he would have gone slower from the start if he knew.

 

He had to go back home for a couple hours to do some work. And yes he invited me over if I wanted. He said it was totally up to me, that he'd be home all night. He also said we wouldn't do anything because he wants to slow down for me.

 

As parents, it is so nice to just sit at home and relax - especially with no kids around. And having some adult company is great too. I'm always tired, I imagine he is too, there isn't always energry to be running around town on dates.

 

So I'm going to go over soon and we'll have a good time, and if not, I'll just go home. But I'm not worried about him pushing anything, or even initiating based on our date earlier today.

[startingagain15]

I started dating not long ago after losing my husband 3+ years ago. I also have 4 kids, and he was the only one I had been with. I specifically looked for a guy almost the exact opposite as my husband, because our marriage was not happy. And I jumped into intimacy pretty quick for me, and by my choice (2 months, he was willing to wait longer). I don't know if he's "the one", but it sure is nice experiencing someone who is so much different than my husband. It's exciting, and being that OP is a lot younger than I am, I can see how she could be jumping into this situation quick after a long, unhappy, controlling marriage.

 

OP just be careful with your heart, don't give it away too quickly. He may be a great guy, but be cautious. Waiting 4-6 weeks or more for sex would be a great idea and would help you sort out feelings, and get to know him and his intentions without the clouding of sex. Step back from the heavy physical contact though, it is kind of like teasing him I think, if you intend to wait.

 

Edit: Just saw the most recent update, sounds like a good plan!

Edited March 19, 2016 by startingagain15

[katiegrl]

Having five kids he has main custody of, I would expect his house to look very well lived in... So let's hope it looks that way.

 

Not sure why I am so distrustful of him...oh well. My problem, not yours.

 

Your opinion is the only opinion that matters.

 

So have fun, and take good care.

Edited March 19, 2016 by katiegrl

[kendahke]

Notice as soon as he got off, orgasmed, his entire attitude toward you changed, he went cold, and then suddenly ... poof was gone!

 

His fever broke. That's what that was.

[kendahke]

Amy, if you feel good and confident about things, then that's all that matters. None of us will be looking back at you from the mirror after you've done whatever with this guy, so make sure whatever path you take is one in which you can afterwards look yourself in the eye without reproach.

[HereNorThere]

Just don't get ahead of yourself. New relationships create all sorts of artificial, obsessive longing feelings that can easily be confused for love. Love takes time and a real commitment. You need to wait until the "honeymoon" period has worn off before you start thinking about all this combining families type stuff.

 

You're a rookie and we're here to make sure you don't make a rookie mistake. The advice you've received so far has been pretty solid, so trust me on this one. Take everything one day at a time and enjoy yourself. There is nothing to gain by rushing things. It takes a while to really get to know someone.

[Bobbi7]

Why do some guys think they are sooo cleaver with the whole "dinner" "movie" "Netflix" at my place like on the 1st or 2nd date? Haha. I think the next time, a guy suggests that, I will say, "DON'T WORRY, YES, I WILL HAVE SEX WITH YOU."

[joseb]

Why do some guys think they are sooo cleaver with the whole "dinner" "movie" "Netflix" at my place like on the 1st or 2nd date? Haha. I think the next time, a guy suggests that, I will say, "DON'T WORRY, YES, I WILL HAVE SEX WITH YOU."

 

Honesty at least

 

From urban dictionary:

Brad: "Hey Julia wanna come over and watch Netflix and chill"

Julia: "Sure I'll pick up the condoms"

Brad: "Wait I thought we were just gonna watch Netflix and chill?"

[Amytm]

Is it too soon to be exclusive?

 

We had our first date Wednesday, second Friday. Saturday we went for lunch and I stayed the night at his house; had sex last night and this morning. I'm going to his house again tonight for dinner.

 

During the week we won't be able to see each other other than lunch or this weekend.

 

He's told me twice now that he isn't seeing anyone else. This morning he hinted at exclusivity.

[kendahke]

Hinting isn't anything. He needs to directly ask you for exclusivity.

 

Don't assume anything.

 

FWIW, I think you're moving way too fast, but you're going to do what you want to do.

[SwordofFlame]

Is it too soon to be exclusive?

 

We had our first date Wednesday, second Friday. Saturday we went for lunch and I stayed the night at his house; had sex last night and this morning. I'm going to his house again tonight for dinner.

 

During the week we won't be able to see each other other than lunch or this weekend.

 

He's told me twice now that he isn't seeing anyone else. This morning he hinted at exclusivity.

 

In my opinion, once you've had sex. Exclusivity at that point is fairly reasonable.

[kendahke]

In my opinion, once you've had sex. Exclusivity at that point is fairly reasonable.

 

Plenty of people get hurt by assuming that just because they've had sex that that means they're exclusive. Having sex doesn't confer relationship status--it just means you two had sex. That's it.

 

Until he says "Amy, I don't want to date anyone else and I want to be exclusive with you and you only in a relationship", don't assume that him dropping hints means this. A grown man knows how to directly ask for what he wants. A boy will hint and not make a declaration of intent.

[SwordofFlame]

Plenty of people get hurt by assuming that just because they've had sex that that means they're exclusive. Having sex doesn't confer relationship status--it just means you two had sex. That's it.

 

Until he says "Amy, I don't want to date anyone else and I want to be exclusive with you and you only in a relationship", don't assume that him dropping hints means this. A grown man knows how to directly ask for what he wants. A boy will hint and not make a declaration of intent.

 

I meant to say asking for it is reasonable, not assuming it. I agree with you.

[katiegrl]

Is it too soon to be exclusive?

 

We had our first date Wednesday, second Friday. Saturday we went for lunch and I stayed the night at his house; had sex last night and this morning. I'm going to his house again tonight for dinner.

 

During the week we won't be able to see each other other than lunch or this weekend.

 

He's told me twice now that he isn't seeing anyone else. This morning he hinted at exclusivity.

 

My ex did not "hint" but flat out asked me on first date to be exclusive and we were together six years!

 

We had sex the first night we met! Our first *date* was the following night ...on which he asked for exclusivity.

 

So no it is not too soon, especially considering sex has now entered the picture!

 

How you feeling?

 

I became quite overwhelmed as it was all moving too fast, I had to ask him to slow down!

 

Which he respected and did.

 

Remember, guys who come on very fast have a tendency to disappear just as fast so be aware of that.

 

One week, two weeks, three weeks .... it varies.

 

Or maybe he won't...just be aware.

 

Enjoy and have fun!

Edited March 20, 2016 by katiegrl

[Amytm]

He said "let's talk about it (exclusivity) tonight." That's pretty forward, yes?

 

Staying the night went really well. He didn't push at all, if anyone initiated it was me. He made me feel very comfortable which led up to sex. The sex was good (though painful) and he went very slow, made it more about me than him.

[stillafool]

 

 

That means sex right? I've only had sex with 1 man, my kids dad (who is not in the picture at all). And up until today I had only kissed 1 man. I'm really nervous to move that fast. He doesn't know I've been with only 1 person and I'm not sexually confident at all. I'm not sure I'm ready but I know people move fast these days.

 

You are a grown woman and you are the one who decides when you have sex. Not him. It's up to you.

[sunshine2]

Wow this is just way to fast for me. You barely know this guy and you are already having sex with him. At least I hope it was better then it was with your X. Yikes

[katiegrl]

Amy, do you realize all this has happened within a four day period?

 

Less than one WEEK?

 

Pls slow down hun, as I said, my ex came on very fast and I slowed him down!

 

I am glad I did (and he even thanked me later in the RL) ....as his history was moving in fast, and then losing interest just as fast.

 

I think it is good you will have a break this week though.....

 

Just be aware and act accordingly. Don't place yourself in the position of becoming an FWB.... I am sure that is not what you want!

 

Go out do fun things together. Get to know each other!!

 

Try not to get all caught up in his fast and furious pursuit...which now includes sex.

 

Such things tend to ignite quickly and then burn out just as quickly.

 

Keep expectations in check.

 

Good luck and make sure to keep us posted!

 

We care and are pulling for ya!

Edited March 20, 2016 by katiegrl

[jen1447]

He said "let's talk about it (exclusivity) tonight." That's pretty forward, yes?

 

Staying the night went really well. He didn't push at all, if anyone initiated it was me. He made me feel very comfortable which led up to sex. The sex was good (though painful) and he went very slow, made it more about me than him.

 

Glad he shaped up. Seems like a good place now to me.

[xpaperxcutx]

Is it too soon to be exclusive?

 

We had our first date Wednesday, second Friday. Saturday we went for lunch and I stayed the night at his house; had sex last night and this morning. I'm going to his house again tonight for dinner.

 

During the week we won't be able to see each other other than lunch or this weekend.

 

He's told me twice now that he isn't seeing anyone else. This morning he hinted at exclusivity.

 

 

 

Whoa, slow down!

 

 

How do you go about having 3 dates and then sleeping with him?

 

I feel like you're the one pushing for sex since you said he wants to take things slow.

 

 

I guess whatever rocks your boat.

[Amytm]

Amy, do you realize all this has happened within a four day period?

 

Less than one WEEK?

 

Pls slow down hun, as I said, my ex came on very fast and I slowed him down!

 

I am glad I did (and he even thanked me later in the RL) ....as his history was moving in fast, and then losing interest just as fast.

 

I think it is good you will have a break this week though.....

 

Just be aware and act accordingly. Don't place yourself in the position of becoming an FWB.... I am sure that is not what you want!

 

Go out do fun things together. Get to know each other!!

 

Try not to get all caught up in his fast and furious pursuit...which now includes sex.

 

Such things tend to ignite quickly and then burn out just as quickly.

 

Keep expectations in check.

 

Good luck and make sure to keep us posted!

 

We care and are pulling for ya!

 

I know that I'm not out of the woods yet. But I'm happy right now. Having sex made me feel better. It does make me more attached and I know I have to be careful about that. But it helped me get over all the nerves I had about sex. Made me feel a lot calmer. If that's all I get from this then maybe that will be okay.

 

The sex was good, really good. Doesnt even compare to sex with my ex. Like two different worlds.

 

We won't have alone time together for 2 weeks, his kids are gone every other weekend. So we'll go 2 weeks without sex and I guess we'll see how it goes. We're going to meet for lunch sometimes since we work almsot beside each other.

[LivingDeadGrl]

I agree with everyone that it is moving way too fast. I worry that once that initial excitement has worn off that will be it.

It's hard to say that withholding sex from someone keeps their interest but sometimes that is the case and if it is, he didn't deserve you anyway.

I hope he is truly serious about you Amy and isn't going to hurt you. If it ends up that he does, it will be a learning experience at least.. Your inexperience is something that makes you naive but just always try to go with your gut feeling about things. It's never failed me, even when I tried to ignore it lol.

Also, remember that you are in control of what goes on too. Don't always let him take the lead on everything which is how it seems. If you're uneasy about being exclusive or feel it's going to fast slow it down

[katiegrl]

I know that I'm not out of the woods yet. But I'm happy right now. Having sex made me feel better. It does make me more attached and I know I have to be careful about that. But it helped me get over all the nerves I had about sex. Made me feel a lot calmer. If that's all I get from this then maybe that will be okay.

 

The sex was good, really good. Doesnt even compare to sex with my ex. Like two different worlds.

 

---

 

** We won't have alone time together for 2 weeks, his kids are gone every other weekend. So we'll go 2 weeks without sex and I guess we'll see how it goes. We're going to meet for lunch sometimes since we work almsot beside each other.

 

You will be together tonight though, right? To discuss exclusivity (his words)?

 

You sound good about all of it, which is great and all that matters....

 

Fingers crossed this works out the way you want it too..

 

...and enjoy tonight, is he taking you out? Or another night at home?

 

Has he seen yours and how you live?

Edited March 20, 2016 by katiegrl