Second date at his house?

[PrettyEmily77]

I'm a bit confused and just want to make sure this is normal. We had dinner at his house and like he said, talked about exclusivity. He said he's only seeing me and only wants to see me. He wants us to only see each other BUT does not want to label it BF/GF or tell people that we're serious. He hasn't told his friends he's seeing anyone.

 

I asked why he he doesn't want to tell his friends of my existance on this planet (not in those words) and he said because he wants to take it slow and not jinx it. But he doesn't want to take intimacy slow, just making it public.

 

I don't expect to go update my Facebook status and tell everyone I know. But if someone asks if I'm seeing someone I say yes. I don't like the thought of him pretending I don't exist.

 

He also wants us to both have STD checks (I did last week, unrelated). Which is a smart thing to do. But he said then we don't have to use condoms and it'll feel a lot better for me, and we can do oral. That's okay? I felt a bit uneasy about it.

 

He initiated sex after but I wasn't in the mood because the convo left me confused/uneasy/unhappy (that I don't exist outside his personal life and he doesn't want me to "yet").

 

You're answering your own questions, OP... If you feel uneasy and confused, that's because he / this situation is making you feel uneasy and confused. He's grooming you for a casual relationship all on his terms - if any of it makes you feel uncomfortable, tell him so and move on. If you're not happy, you don't have to accept it.

[No_Go]

Amytm, were you really planning to change your FB status and announce it to your friends after four (4) days???

 

I really think the guy is very reasonable. You're exclusive AND thinking about being bf/gf in the future, but not there yet after four days!

 

The same for the STD tests - he shows that he cares for his and your health. Since you're both super fertile, I'd backup the IUD with e.g. spermicide when you ditch the condoms.

 

I'm a bit confused and just want to make sure this is normal. We had dinner at his house and like he said, talked about exclusivity. He said he's only seeing me and only wants to see me. He wants us to only see each other BUT does not want to label it BF/GF or tell people that we're serious. He hasn't told his friends he's seeing anyone.

 

I asked why he he doesn't want to tell his friends of my existance on this planet (not in those words) and he said because he wants to take it slow and not jinx it. But he doesn't want to take intimacy slow, just making it public.

 

I don't expect to go update my Facebook status and tell everyone I know. But if someone asks if I'm seeing someone I say yes. I don't like the thought of him pretending I don't exist.

 

He also wants us to both have STD checks (I did last week, unrelated). Which is a smart thing to do. But he said then we don't have to use condoms and it'll feel a lot better for me, and we can do oral. That's okay? I felt a bit uneasy about it.

 

He initiated sex after but I wasn't in the mood because the convo left me confused/uneasy/unhappy (that I don't exist outside his personal life and he doesn't want me to "yet").

[NJtoDC]

 

He said it was just because he doesn't want to out pressure on it or anything but there is a difference between not just telling people and lying if you are asked.

 

Did he say he wanted you to lie, or that he would lie, if someone asked? Or, did he say he didn't want to announce to everybody that you guys are in a serious relationship, or boyfriend/girlfriend?

 

You met on Wednesday right? You guys aren't serious. Also doesn't seem fair to suggest he's all about sex, because he doesn't want to say you guys are boyfriend/girlfriend yet, when you're the one who instigated the sex.

 

I don't know. I've been following your story with interest. I hope it works out for you.

[No_Go]

You're answering your own questions, OP... If you feel uneasy and confused, that's because he / this situation is making you feel uneasy and confused. He's grooming you for a casual relationship all on his terms - if any of it makes you feel uncomfortable, tell him so and move on. If you're not happy, you don't have to accept it.

 

Ummm, why? Calling bf/gf a 4 day old relationship will be insane, elt alone announcing it to the world. He asked her to slow down a bit, while maintaining exclusivity. What can be better than that?

[PrettyEmily77]

Ummm, why? Calling bf/gf a 4 day old relationship will be insane, elt alone announcing it to the world. He asked her to slow down a bit, while maintaining exclusivity. What can be better than that?

 

I don't think the OP had any plans to announce it to anyone?

 

The whole thing is, to me, a little insane TBH but once you've had sex, it's kind of a game changer to some people - to me, it just seems like they're not exactly on the same page and my instincts tell me that OP is biting off more than she can chew (no offence, OP) and that the guy is possibly taking advantage of that (hope I'm totally wrong, obviously).

 

Regardless, I wouldn't advise anyone to pursue a 'relationship' when they feel unhappy or confused.

[angelcake]

I get the feeling that he is not serious about committing. Yes it's only been four days, but if he can have sex with you and say you are exclusive, then he should be able to tell others. He's a grown man already!

 

What does his nanny look like? Perhaps he is seeing someone else, or hoping to hook up with someone else? Thus, he doesn't want to say he has a "girlfriend." I just wouldn't be content with what he said.

[Amytm]

I'm make this bold so it gets seen. NO. I was not planning on changing my Facebook status or shouting were BF GF from the roof tops. I didn't expect to be BF GF at this point either.

 

I think it's soon to say "Here's my boyfriend, Daniel, I've known him for 4 days."

 

It's that he doesn't want people to know about me. He said he isn't telling people. I said what if a friend asks you and he said he'd tell them no. I said I've told a couple of my friends about you and he said it's a bit soon and that I should hold off. Implying he wants me to lie as well. Not that we are serious, about my existance.

 

I mean, I haven't seen court documents. But he said that he's been divorced for 2 years. The ex lives in the same city, she only has the kids every other weekend. She did some things that I know about but I'm not sharing. They caused her to lose custody.

 

I've seen his nanny. She's probably in her 40's and from the Philippines. She lives in an apartment over the garage.

[angelcake]

The fact that he will lie about seeing you, and wants you to lie as well, is a HUGE red flag! I certainly wouldn't continue to have sex with someone who lies about my existence. The way he smoothed it over with you means he's a bit devious and manipulative.

 

Nobody should lie about you, especially someone you are already sleeping with. It's so disrespectful.

[losangelena]

Again I say, Amy, what do YOU want?

 

Do you want to be with a guy who says he doesn't want his friends/family to know about you? Are you comfortable having sex with this guy sans condoms?

 

If you say no to either of those, do NOT pass go, do NOT collect $200.

 

The buck stops with you. I feel like what he's saying is pretty unequivocal. You can either accept it or not.

 

FWIW, this guy still smells like bad news to me, and I'm sorry to say that.

[CarrieT]

It's that he doesn't want people to know about me.

Red Flag! Red Flag! Red Flag!

 

WHY doesn't he want anyone to know about you? Especially after you have been so intimate with him?

 

I said what if a friend asks you and he said he'd tell them no.

So he is going to lie about you. What is in his existence that necessitates this kind of a lie? Perhaps he isn't divorced at all....

 

he said it's a bit soon and that I should hold off. Implying he wants me to lie as well.

Yeah, the guy is a player. I think I called it back on page two of this thread.... Sorry, you are being played, my dear.

[stillafool]

The recent conversation is why I would be reluctant to have sex without getting to know a man really well before hand.

 

He is manipulating this. He wants sex and he wants it without condoms. I hope you've used birth control.

 

That conversation would leave me feeling that he wants to hide me from people he knows but still wants reassurance of regular and steady sex.

 

I would feel used.

 

 

Are you sure he's divorced? When was it finalized? Where is the exwife? Why did the M end?

 

I'd really want to know since he seems to want to keep you a secret.

 

She's the one who has initiated the sex, not him, is she manupulating him?

[BlueIris]

Again I say, Amy, what do YOU want?

 

That's the most important question, OP- what do YOU want?

Are you looking for a relationship or just some sex?

 

If you're looking for a relationship (which it sounds like you are), then this guy is not the one.

 

I agree that these are red flags.

 

Red flags mean stop completely, not proceed cautiously, not weigh and balance, not wish or hope that he's not what he is.

[TXGuy]

Once again the mob is back to calling this guy a predator out to use OP. Based on how well things have been going for her and her guy, I thought OP would have started to stand up for herself (and maybe him) by now. But, it appears she is enjoying the drama a bit much. Finding a problem with holding off announcing BF/GF status (or "my very existence") within 4 days of meeting.

 

I can't see a thing this guy has done wrong so far, but the "women good/men evil" contingent is strong in this thread. If she ends up chasing this guy off, it won't be because he is a player. (but, I think he will stick around, even with OP's OCD self-sabatage).

[CarrieT]

She's the one who has initiated the sex, not him, is she manupulating him?

 

I believe it is her naïve belief that having sex would bond them into a situation that would - in turn - lead them to a committed relationship.

 

His backpedalling belies that reality.

[Amytm]

Again I say, Amy, what do YOU want?

 

Do you want to be with a guy who says he doesn't want his friends/family to know about you? Are you comfortable having sex with this guy sans condoms?

 

I want to be misreading this, I want him to be being honest and genuinely interested in me.

 

No, I don't want to be with a man who doesn't want his friends and family to know about me. Right now, it's still really early. People don't tell all their friends about everyone they've hooked up with. But then does that just make me just another person he slept with? Not someone he's actually interested in. Good enough to f*ck but not good enough to tell friends about?

 

If I don't trust what he is saying I don't want to have sex with him without condoms, or at all. If he sleeps with someone else - even though he says he is exclusive - I could get something.

 

WHY doesn't he want anyone to know about you? Especially after you have been so intimate with him?

 

So he is going to lie about you. What is in his existence that necessitates this kind of a lie? Perhaps he isn't divorced at all....

 

He says it's because he doesn't want to have too much pressure on the relationship and he doesn't like sharing an early relationship until 2-3 months. He doesn't like friends asking questions or telling them every time a short relationship doesn't work out. He also doesn't want word getting to his ex-wife before he knows it's going somewhere because "she's difficult to work with".

 

It crosses my mind that maybe he isn't divorced. But he wouldn't have invited me over Friday, Saturday and Sunday if he had a wife there. And his kids were gone.

 

The fact that he will lie about seeing you, and wants you to lie as well, is a HUGE red flag! I certainly wouldn't continue to have sex with someone who lies about my existence. The way he smoothed it over with you means he's a bit devious and manipulative.

 

Nobody should lie about you, especially someone you are already sleeping with. It's so disrespectful.

 

I can't decide if he's manipulating me and using me and getting exactly what he wants out of me. When I spent the night with him he completely put my mind at ease. I initiated a lot of things, not him, at least that's what it seemed like.

 

Or if he's actually a nice guy that is either coming off wrong or I'm interpreting him wrong. If he was playing me, why would he even tell me that he's not telling anyone about me? Couldn't he have just said he is telling people.

 

I keep thinking about, what if I'm wrong? I don't want to ruin it when it could be something really good. I wish there was something I could do to get the real answers from him about his intentions.

 

Once again the mob is back to calling this guy a predator out to use OP. Based on how well things have been going for her and her guy, I thought OP would have started to stand up for herself (and maybe him) by now. But, it appears she is enjoying the drama a bit much. Finding a problem with holding off announcing BF/GF status (or "my very existence") within 4 days of meeting.

 

I can't see a thing this guy has done wrong so far, but the "women good/men evil" contingent is strong in this thread. If she ends up chasing this guy off, it won't be because he is a player. (but, I think he will stick around, even with OP's OCD self-sabatage).

 

No, this is what I'm torn on. What he said took my off guard. I don't expect to tell everyone that we are BF/GF, or even be BF/GF yet. But it's that he said he'll lie to his friends if they ask if he's dating someone. What if another woman asks if he's seeing someone, he says no? Then what happens?

 

I did stand up for both of us a little ways back, before this issue came up. I am confused and don't know what to think.

[katiegrl]

Amy, you asked whether or not him "lying" about your existence, when asked, and expecting you to lie as well, when asked if you are seeing someone, is "normal."

 

No, it is not normal, not by any stretch.

 

NOTE I have absolutely no problem with him not wanting to label this as bf/gf yet, hell it has only been four days.

 

However, when asked if he is seeing someone, even on a casual basis, there is no reason on God's green earth why he has to lie about it and say no.

 

And then telling you that you have to lie too? Come on now...that is ridiculous.

 

What is he hiding that he has to freaking lie about it? No one is suggesting he *announce* your existence to anyone, but when asked if he is seeing someine, all he has to say is yes, and leave it at that!

 

He does not have to tell whomever asked that you are his "girlfriend" (you're not yet)...no one is saying that, but again to flat out lie about it?

 

That's nuts, makes no sense and is indicative of a guy who hiding something, and anyone who believes otherwise, and condones lying, under any circumstance, is flat out WRONG.

 

Especially considering you are now sexual, which is no small matter to most people.

 

Can't tell you what to do, but for me this would be a dealbreaker.

 

Again, NOT because he is not ready to label you bf/gf ...I have no issue with that ...but because LYING is a dealbreaker for me, and for him to ask and expect you to lie too?

 

Double dealbreaker.

 

Just me, it's your call.

[katiegrl]

To add to my above post, I would not be surprised if he is *exclusive* with a few women and feeding them the same garbage he's feeding you......

 

You said he has a nanny, are you sure she is not just a housekeeper?

 

Are you sure he has main custody of his kids, or even if he has kids?

 

Did he show you their rooms, are their toys around, etc? Proof that "they" exist?

 

Any man who would lie, think nothing of it, and then turn around and expect you to lie, is not to be trusted.

 

What else is he lying about?

 

This is the question you should be asking yourself.

[TXGuy]

 

No, this is what I'm torn on. What he said took my off guard. I don't expect to tell everyone that we are BF/GF, or even be BF/GF yet. But it's that he said he'll lie to his friends if they ask if he's dating someone. What if another woman asks if he's seeing someone, he says no? Then what happens?

 

The same crowd that is hammering him for not wanting to put the BF/GF label yet would be the first ones to tell you how creepy he is for rushing things if he wanted the BF/GF label at this point.

 

He wants exclusivity. He he discussed exclusivity prior to having sex and told you he was exclusive to you. You, apparently, did not tell him you were exclusive. If you did, then the exclusivity question would have been answered. But you mentioned that that wasn't settled till the following day.

 

If he was a player, he would not bring up exclusivity after sex. A player only promises exclusivity to get sex. Once sex has happened, exclusivity would be postponed.

 

Re BF/GF label: Your OCD is kicking in again with all of the hypothetical situations. He doesn't want to announce yet. In a normal guy's life, people don't ask stupid questions like that. He doesn't see it coming up in casual conversation, so he if he doesn't bring it up, it won't happen.

 

But, if you want to go the hypo route, I'll try to present it in a way you might understand better using an example you (and your guy) have a lot of experience with. Pregnancy. Most people (I'm not sure about you specifically) do not tell even family or friends about a new pregnancy until xx weeks because things are uncertain early on. And no-one (at least guys) wants the immediate drama (assuming things go well), much less the subsequent drama if things don't go well.

 

I mentioned it before, I hope you don't internalize too much the negativity displayed on this thread. You could end up sabotaging the relationship.

[katiegrl]

TXGuy, read my post 322.

 

This has NOTHING to do with him not wanting to label this bf/gf.

 

Not IMO anyway.

 

He is a liar .... are you suggesting that you condone him lying, and him expecting her to lie?

 

Do you see any reason why, when asked if he is dating someone, he cannot simply say yes, and leave it at that?

 

He does not need to go into detail, he does not need to elaborate, he does not need to say anything other than a simple yes he is seeing someone, end of conversation!

 

Why lie??!!!

 

Do you not believe that some men are not to be trusted, and are players?

 

If so, you are quite naive... because they do exist, and we as women need to pay close attention, and when a guy behaves as he has, lying, among other things, and expecting her to lie....well that is a huge red flag, and if you can't see that, then frankly I don't know what to tell you...

Edited March 21, 2016 by katiegrl

[TXGuy]

TXGuy, read my post 322.

 

This has NOTHING to do with him not wanting to label this bf/gf.

 

Not IMO anyway.

 

He is a liar .... are you suggesting that you condone him lying, and him expecting her to lie?

 

Do you see any reason why, when asked if he is dating someone, he cannot simply say yes, and leave it at that?

 

He does not need to go into detail, he does not need to elaborate, he does not need to say anything other than a simple yes he is seeing someone, end of conversation!

 

Why lie??!!!

 

Do you not believe that some men are not to be trusted, and are players?

 

If so, you are quite naive... because they do, and are, and we as women need to pay close attention, and when a guy behaves as he has, lying, among other things, and expecting her to lie....well that is a huge red flag, and if you can't see that, then frankly I don't know what to tell you...

 

I've read your posts. You have been dead wrong from the beginning of the thread. He's a monster. He's using you. He only wants sex. (I might have you confused with some of the other hysterical posters, but there was one suggesting he could have RAPED her in the truck. Another recent post, possibly you, suggested that he might not even have children, that it was some ploy to get her into bed. Even the nanny might somehow be faked.)

 

I get it. You don't trust men. You think they are all evil and are trying to take advantage of women. But, you are 0 for 25 on your predictions so far in this thread. This guy has been a stand up guy throughout the process.

[katiegrl]

I've read your posts. You have been dead wrong from the beginning of the thread. He's a monster. He's using you. He only wants sex. (I might have you confused with some of the other hysterical posters, but there was one suggesting he could have RAPED her in the truck. Another recent post, possibly you, suggested that he might not even have children, that it was some ploy to get her into bed. Even the nanny might somehow be faked.)

 

I get it. You don't trust men. You think they are all evil and are trying to take advantage of women. But, you are 0 for 25 on your predictions so far. This guy has been a stand up guy throughout the process.

 

Yeah you have definitely got me mixed up with another poster...I never said or suggested any of those things...except the nanny question, which is certainly questionable considering the man thinks nothing of lying.

 

And hate men?? Hardly, that is laughable. Lol

 

In fact, after only three months single after a six year relationship, I am now seeing a great guy ...who would never behave the way this bozo is behaving.

 

Nice try though in attempting to straw man argue, and avoiding the topic at hand, that being he is a liar....admits it, and apparently thinks nothing of it...

 

Which apparently you condone and think is okay.....okie doke!

Edited March 21, 2016 by katiegrl

[TXGuy]

Yeah you have definitely got me mixed up with another poster...I never said or suggested any of those things...except the nanny question, ...

 

I thought I might have inadvertently lumped you in with some other with some other 'negative nellies.' But, it turns out you suggested "all" of those things:

 

Potential faked children: katiegrl #324

Potential faked nanny: Katiegrl #324

He could have date raped OP: Katiegrl #247

Dealbreaker/red flag/don't trust: Katiegrl #322, 245, 230, 216

Add'l long negative post including insisting he didn't even respond to her text (when he sent first text after date) #207

Even one where you suggest he is sketchy for having 5 kids: #241

 

I stopped looking at page 17 (working backwards). I'm sure there are a bunch more in pages 1-16.

 

So far, he's passed every test with flying colors. So, he doesn't want to get the rest of the world involved in their lives at this point. He would probably have been better off suggesting that OP change the subject if asked rather than 'lie' about it - which is probably be what he would do if it came up with him.

 

It just seems to me that you and many other commentators have been taking every move this guy makes as some type of red flag or nefarious play on this guy's part. Up to now, all have turned out to be unfounded.

 

You are certainly entitled to your opinions. I'm simply pointing out you (and the others) have, in general, misread bad intentions into this guy from the beginning.

Edited March 21, 2016 by TXGuy

[katiegrl]

I thought I might have inadvertently lumped you in with some other with some other 'negative nellies.' But, it turns out you suggested "all" of those things:

 

Potential faked children: katiegrl #324

Potential faked nanny: Katiegrl #324

He could have date raped OP: Katiegrl #247

Dealbreaker/red flag/don't trust: Katiegrl #322, 245, 230, 216

Add'l long negative post including insisting he didn't even respond to her text (when he sent first text after date) #207

Even one where you suggest he is sketchy for having 5 kids: #241

 

I stopped looking at page 17 (working backwards). I'm sure there are a bunch more in pages 1-16.

 

So far, he's passed every test with flying colors. So, he doesn't want to get the rest of the world involved in their lives at this point. He would probably have been better off suggesting that OP change the subject if asked rather than 'lie' about it - which is probably be what he would do if it came up with him.

 

It just seems to me that you and many other commentators have been taking very move this guy makes as some type of red flag or nefarious play on this guy's part. Up to now, all have turned out to be unfounded.

 

You are certainly entitled to your opinions. I'm simply pointing out you (and the others) have, in general, misread bad intentions into this guy from the beginning.

 

LOL... can't believe you went back to find all those posts, how about all my other posts wherein I was rooting for her and was hoping it would work out?

 

Guess you missed those, huh...lol

 

But you know what? I stand by all those posts .... I don't distrust *all* men, I distrust "this" man, and no he has not passed all these *tests* with flying colors, as he has admitted himself he is a liar, and is encouraging OP to do the same!

 

What is he hiding? Why lie about it, when asked? Again, one more time, I have NO problem with him not wanting to label this, I wouldn't either at this early stage.

 

But why lie, when asked? Even casually?

 

Would you lie if you started dating and having sex with a woman you were into, when asked?

 

And ask her to lie also?

 

Does this make sense to you?

 

Why do you insist on dismissing this very important detail? Or assuming to know what he really meant?

 

On second thought, nevermind, you've said your peace.

 

We women are all a bunch of man-hating evil mongers, who distrust all men, think they are all players, out to use women ....... that's coming through loud and clear.

 

Which is fine, you're entitled to your opinion, just as we are all entitled to ours as well.

 

Peace out!

Edited March 21, 2016 by katiegrl

[TXGuy]

LOL... can't believe you went back to find all those posts, how about all my other posts wherein I was rooting for her and was hoping it would work out?

 

Guess you missed those, huh...lol

 

....

 

Peace out!

 

I didn't miss them:

Generally/arguably positive posts (though somewhat suspicious): #287, 275, 283.

 

There might have been some neutral/hard to classify posts as well, but I didn't capture those.

 

:-)

[Amytm]

The reaponses I got tell me that I need to talk to him again to have things clarified. They lying mostly.

 

Yes, he does have kids. I saw their rooms when I walked by them, and there is a playroom on the main floor, art on the fridge.