Second date at his house?

[katiegrl]

Asking questions? Because it's a forum...

 

Someone above said me having sex with him is a done deal. It kinda hurt. I don't want him to think that...

 

You are asking questions that you have *already* received answers to.

 

And to the previous poster, I am not a "man hater* ...jeses. None of us giving advice are....read our histories.

 

I have been in long term relationships with wonderful men most of my adult life...that went their course so eventually ended..... but I have no regerts ....and am, in fact, embarking on a new one right now as well.

 

Have never been ghosted, faded on or even broken up with, so there is nothing about men for me to *hate*.

 

I simply dislike the *behavior* of certain men, and the OP's guy is one of them.

 

OP, I will say this AGAIN, if you feel good about this, then go for it!

 

You are the one dating him, not me!

[Amytm]

I'm hoping for your sake he is really good. Don't worry, just be open to direction. Sex is fun.

 

I don't believe there is a direct correlation between many partners and good. My suspension is the reason some men have many partners is no woman wanted to keep them around. A few good partners can give you a pretty well rounded exerience. My x-wife was the only one I'd been with. She thought she was great in bed. After my divorce, I met lady that I learned a lot from. I now realize my x-wife was way below average. My current gf and I have wonderful sex. She claims her x was terrible and she knew he had many partners.

 

Another thought, who's to say that after sex, you won't be the one saying, "that was good, now on to the next man."

 

Will he tell me if I'm doing something wrong, and give me direction? I dont want him to think Im bad in bed and end it because he thinks we aren't sexually compatible.

 

With my ex I never orgasmed. I don't know if I can or not. I don't fake it right? Not that I'd know how.

[TXGuy]

Asking questions? Because it's a forum...

 

Someone above said me having sex with him is a done deal. It kinda hurt. I don't want him to think that...

 

I don't think he thinks it is a done deal.

 

But, he likely is hopeful that is where it is headed.

 

You have to remember that this guy is open and honest about having 5 children. That disclosure chases away 90+% of women (including most of the women on this thread giving you advice). You are one of the few women that understand what living his life is like. It is understandable that he is excited about meeting you and spending time with you. Especially if you are as attractive and sweet as you appear to be just from reading this thread.

[CarrieT]

He said he's looking for something serious now. And that having fun showed him that he wants something serious again. I don't know if I'm the first person he's dated since wanting to be serious.

 

I guess he could just be using that as a line, or change his mind later on.

And here is that critical part. Maybe you should take the time to learn all these things about him before you jump into bed with him.

 

Having fun means sleeping around right?

Usually, yes.

 

I'm still really nervous that he's going to have a ton of partners and be great in bed and I'll be an inexperienced idiot that can't get him off and embarrass myself. But I'm probably reading too much into it.

I want you to read this next part carefully. If you want and are in a fully-committed relationship with someone, how many partners they have had is irrelevant. Worrying about "getting him off" is stupid because within the confines of a committed relationship, two people love each other and the sexual act is a form of intimacy. The important part shouldn't be giving each other an orgasm. THAT is a bonus, yes, but the journey is more important than the destination.

 

Look, I am recently married (after 300+ sexual partners, so I'm not inexperienced). The first time I had sex with the guy I eventually married, neither of us "got off" because we were still learning about each other and getting used to each other. But we knew that we were committed and that it was going to take time to figure out each others' bodies. If either of us had based our relationship on that first time, I doubt we would have eventually married.

 

So you are already committed to the sexual act with this guy; worried about coming across as experienced or giving him a good time. That means you aren't thinking with your head or even your heart, but your genitals. And that is fine if you just want to have a sexual relationship with him. Just don't invest your heart because it will probably get broken.

 

I hope that last part is true. Do people actually go twice, though? I thought when a guy was done that was it?

I've been with men who have had two, three, and four orgasms and can last HOURS.

 

Do you think he thinks that too? That's it's a "done deal" that we'll have sex?

I believe he thinks it is a foregone conclusion, yes.

[Amytm]

I don't think he thinks it is a done deal.

 

But, he likely is hopeful that is where it is headed.

 

You have to remember that this guy is open and honest about having 5 children. That disclosure chases away 90+% of women (including most of the women on this thread giving you advice). You are one of the few women that understand what living his life is like. It is understandable that he is excited about meeting you and spending time with you. Especially if you are as attractive and sweet as you appear to be just from reading this thread.

 

I'm okay with him hoping, I just dont want him to think of me as a done deal. I don't want to come off that way.

 

I didn't think that women pass on him just like men pass on me. I don't know why, I just didn't think about it. He's probably just as excited about someone being interested as I am. He could be sitting home wondering questions like this about me or if I'll even show up Friday.

 

I hope it goes well and I make wise decisions.

[Amytm]

And here is that critical part. Maybe you should take the time to learn all these things about him before you jump into bed with him.

 

 

Usually, yes.

 

 

I want you to read this next part carefully. If you want and are in a fully-committed relationship with someone, how many partners they have had is irrelevant. Worrying about "getting him off" is stupid because within the confines of a committed relationship, two people love each other and the sexual act is a form of intimacy. The important part shouldn't be giving each other an orgasm. THAT is a bonus, yes, but the journey is more important than the destination.

 

Look, I am recently married (after 300+ sexual partners, so I'm not inexperienced). The first time I had sex with the guy I eventually married, neither of us "got off" because we were still learning about each other and getting used to each other. But we knew that we were committed and that it was going to take time to figure out each others' bodies. If either of us had based our relationship on that first time, I doubt we would have eventually married.

 

So you are already committed to the sexual act with this guy; worried about coming across as experienced or giving him a good time. That means you aren't thinking with your head or even your heart, but your genitals. And that is fine if you just want to have a sexual relationship with him. Just don't invest your heart because it will probably get broken.

 

 

I've been with men who have had two, three, and four orgasms and can last HOURS.

 

 

I believe he thinks it is a foregone conclusion, yes.

 

This is why I wish I wasn't so inexperienced. I know virtually nothing about sex. I assumed if he didn't get off then it wasn't good. And that guys would leave if it wasnt good from the getgo. And that guys could only go once and that was it. Sex with my ex lasted a few seconds to a few minutes. It went the same every time. I'd go down on him then we'd have sex and its be done.

[CarrieT]

This is why I wish I wasn't so inexperienced. I know virtually nothing about sex. I assumed if he didn't get off then it wasn't good. And that guys would leave if it wasnt good from the getgo. And that guys could only go once and that was it. Sex with my ex lasted a few seconds to a few minutes. It went the same every time. I'd go down on him then we'd have sex and its be done.

 

Every sentence you wrote is a reason to NOT rush into sex with someone. Get to know them. Let them get to know you. Then you can open up about your inexperience and - hopefully - the entire "first time" with that person will be about the intimacy between two loving people and not some guy trying to "get off" with yet another new girl....

[Amytm]

Every sentence you wrote is a reason to NOT rush into sex with someone. Get to know them. Let them get to know you. Then you can open up about your inexperience and - hopefully - the entire "first time" with that person will be about the intimacy between two loving people and not some guy trying to "get off" with yet another new girl....

 

Yeah, you are probably right. I think it would be better if he knew about my inexperience, and it's too soon to tell him that right now. If we have sex Friday he's probably going to be looking for a good time, which it won't be. I want it to be more intimate.

 

This might be a dumb question.... But do men usually think it's gross to give oral to women?

[Rumely]

I didn't mean to say he thinks it's a done deal. What I was meaning was in your mind as long as he comes across as the good guy he claims he is, you will have no problem with sex. Now if he comes across as a bone head at the date, he's sleeping alone. I'm sure at this point, he's praying on every lucky star he can find.

 

Oral is awsome.

[HereNorThere]

He said he's looking for something serious now. And that having fun showed him that he wants something serious again. I don't know if I'm the first person he's dated since wanting to be serious.

 

I guess he could just be using that as a line, or change his mind later on.

 

Having fun means sleeping around right? I'm still really nervous that he's going to have a ton of partners and be great in bed and I'll be an inexperienced idiot that can't get him off and embarrass myself. But I'm probably reading too much into it.

 

 

 

You're right that I can't know the real reason behind him asking me to his place.

 

I hope that last part is true. Do people actually go twice, though? I thought when a guy was done that was it?

 

 

 

Do you think he thinks that too? That's it's a "done deal" that we'll have sex?

 

 

Wow, you do have limited sexual experience. I guess I just figure that popular culture and sex and city pretty much had every girl up to speed.

 

Sexual questions should be asked on that particular forum, but yes, one and done guys aren't very popular. If you're a guy in the dating world, you better be able to put it down multiple times if needed. Nearly every girl I've dated would have been pissed at me if I didn't leave with a limp and ice pack.

 

Having fun isn't code word for sex; it's code word for dating without a commitment. Some of it may have lead to sex, some not. It just means his prime directive was having a good time and being social. Honestly, "having fun" is the ONLY label you should take on right now. Going into a situation like this with unrealistic expectations is going to leave you disenchanted with the dating world. Trust me, you'll most likely date multiple people before you finally find "the one."

 

Don't worry about being less experienced in bed. In all honesty, a lot of men do not like sexually aggressive women anyway. Being able to completely blow a girls mind is much more fulfilling for most men than have their mind blown by a woman. We're just wired differently that way. You've had sex before, so you know how to do it. There's usually a learning curve between new partners anyway because people just sooooo different. No two sexual relationships I've had were the same and that's awesome. It makes the experience something unique between the two of you.

 

I've noticed that you're really listening to what he has to say about wanting a long term relationship, etc. First off, even if he wants a long term relationship, it takes a while to figure out if you're the person he wants it with and vice versa. Second, sooo many people on dating sites say they want ltr until they actually the have the chance. Once they realize they're in one, they freak out and want their freedom back. Humans are strange bunch. Third, people are full of crap. Don't ever listen to a persons words. Instead, take the time to judge their actions. I'm not saying all people are liars. It's more like they believe it at the time but they were high from infatuation and obsession of a new relationship and talking out of their ass. Take everything with a grain of salt until proven otherwise.

 

Good luck, but PLEASE stop taking this so seriously. You'll freak out any potential good mates and end up jaded and heart broken. Take your time, experiment, figure out what you really want. Don't take the first offer you're given. You have your whole life ahead of you so why rush? You'll only be disappointed if you don't really take the time to get to know yourself and what kind of person you are truly compatible with.

[Amytm]

I didn't mean to say he thinks it's a done deal. What I was meaning was in your mind as long as he comes across as the good guy he claims he is, you will have no problem with sex. Now if he comes across as a bone head at the date, he's sleeping alone. I'm sure at this point, he's praying on every lucky star he can find.

 

Oral is awsome.

 

If Friday goes as well as today went it will be hard for me to go home alone at the end of the night. If he doesn't ask me to go back to his (or my) place it'll be fine. But if he asks I'll have a hard time saying no.

 

But like CarrieT said, I probably should wait until I can tell him it'll probably suck.

 

My ex never went down on me. He said "pretty much all" guys think it's nasty. At least I know that was a lie.... Dont want to be surprised if another man wants to.

[Amytm]

Wow, you do have limited sexual experience. I guess I just figure that popular culture and sex and city pretty much had every girl up to speed.

 

Sexual questions should be asked on that particular forum, but yes, one and done guys aren't very popular. If you're a guy in the dating world, you better be able to put it down multiple times if needed. Nearly every girl I've dated would have been pissed at me if I didn't leave with a limp and ice pack.

 

Having fun isn't code word for sex; it's code word for dating without a commitment. Some of it may have lead to sex, some not. It just means his prime directive was having a good time and being social. Honestly, "having fun" is the ONLY label you should take on right now. Going into a situation like this with unrealistic expectations is going to leave you disenchanted with the dating world. Trust me, you'll most likely date multiple people before you finally find "the one."

 

Don't worry about being less experienced in bed. In all honesty, a lot of men do not like sexually aggressive women anyway. Being able to completely blow a girls mind is much more fulfilling for most men than have their mind blown by a woman. We're just wired differently that way. You've had sex before, so you know how to do it. There's usually a learning curve between new partners anyway because people just sooooo different. No two sexual relationships I've had were the same and that's awesome. It makes the experience something unique between the two of you.

 

I've noticed that you're really listening to what he has to say about wanting a long term relationship, etc. First off, even if he wants a long term relationship, it takes a while to figure out if you're the person he wants it with and vice versa. Second, sooo many people on dating sites say they want ltr until they actually the have the chance. Once they realize they're in one, they freak out and want their freedom back. Humans are strange bunch. Third, people are full of crap. Don't ever listen to a persons words. Instead, take the time to judge their actions. I'm not saying all people are liars. It's more like they believe it at the time but they were high from infatuation and obsession of a new relationship and talking out of their ass. Take everything with a grain of salt until proven otherwise.

 

Good luck, but PLEASE stop taking this so seriously. You'll freak out any potential good mates and end up jaded and heart broken. Take your time, experiment, figure out what you really want. Don't take the first offer you're given. You have your whole life ahead of you so why rush? You'll only be disappointed if you don't really take the time to get to know yourself and what kind of person you are truly compatible with.

 

I thought the more I knew about sex the more comfortable I'd feel moving forward. But it's just making me more nervous because it makes me realize how little I know.

 

I thought my sex life with my ex was normal, but I'm guessing not. In 7-8 years he never went down on me, rarely did foreplay with me, lasted a few minutes max, I never orgasmed (haven't in 12 years). Almost always me on top. I've never seen porn, wouldn't even know where to find it. I dont think we ever used a condom.

 

I don't want to freak him out... I think I have to make sure I wait so he knows he likes me before we do anything. We aren't serious, I have to remember that.

[Rumely]

I don't believe it will suck. You have a lot of experience, just happens to be with one man. Yes it will be a little awkward at first. Sex is just like any team sport, practice makes perfect. Will you get off the first time, don't know, likely not. He's got fingers and a mouth so if he's any good at all, he'll make you happy.

 

For some reason my intuition was correct about you experience. Your going to learn a lot in the next while little grasshopper.

[Amytm]

I don't believe it will suck. You have a lot of experience, just happens to be with one man. Yes it will be a little awkward at first. Sex is just like any team sport, practice makes perfect. Will you get off the first time, don't know, likely not. He's got fingers and a mouth so if he's any good at all, he'll make you happy.

 

For some reason my intuition was correct about you experience. Your going to learn a lot in the next while little grasshopper.

 

I hope I like sex. I've always thought it was just for the man, since that's what my ex told me. Who knows if it'll happen Friday or not. I need to stop worrying, it's keeping me up all night. It's all I can think about.

[BettyDraper]

Yes. He wants to get you into his house to get you into his bed.

 

Since you are new to this and just getting started, I *heartily* recommend you dial it back considerably. Stay in public places and don't make out as much so quickly. You will have the tendency to bond quickly to someone who expresses interest and this guy - with the number of kids he has - obviously knows how to get a woman to do his bidding. Be careful.

 

This. Men do not invite women they barely know to their homes to watch Sesame Street and play tag.

 

They want women to come to their places for sex.

[HereNorThere]

I hope I like sex. I've always thought it was just for the man, since that's what my ex told me. Who knows if it'll happen Friday or not. I need to stop worrying, it's keeping me up all night. It's all I can think about.

 

What culture are you from?

 

Anyway, you don't have to worry about liking it. It's a very primal thing that's natural. It sounds like your ex had some major issues or cultural differences that gave you some misconceptions. He was very selfish, but guys in the dating world aren't usually like that. At least not if they plan on being invited back.

 

And just for the record, once I got out of my early 20s, the tables totally turned and women enjoyed the initimacy more than I ever could. The neighbors rarely have to bang on the wall because the man is making the noise if you know what I mean. I'm actually pretty jealous of the female experience because it looks so much more intense. Sometimes it takes a while to figure yourself or someone else out, but that's just part of the journey. It really doesn't matter as much you seem to think. I've dated some acrobats and I've dated some dead fish and fell in love with them all the same.

 

If you really want advice on sex, post in that part of the forum. We aren't really allowed to get into details here and it sounds like you want some details.

Edited March 17, 2016 by HereNorThere

[Gaeta]

I'm okay with him hoping, I just dont want him to think of me as a done deal. I don't want to come off that way.

 

Then don't go to his place and don't sleep with him.

 

If you don't want to be thought at as a done deal than don't be one.

 

After sex with him on second date it will be too late to make him believe you're not that kind of woman. You don't believe in no strings attached sex but that's what you're about to do.

 

A lot of men chase women for sex and if they have it too soon they lose interest. They feel she let it happen too soon therefore she's easy and the chase is over.

[Amytm]

What culture are you from?

 

If you really want advice on sex, post in that part of the forum. We aren't really allowed to get into details here and it sounds like you want some details.

 

I'm French-Canadian, my ex was from some small town in Ireland. We definitely had some differences in culture but I don't know how much can be blamed on that. I was raised in a extremely religious adoptive home. I was told that sex before marriage was bad and no one would want me if I did it, that sex was soley for the man's pleasure and procreation, porn would damage your mind, masturbating was cheating on your future husband, orgasms for the women were bad. Then when my ex came along and said some of the same things it reinforced those, like sex being for the man and masturbating being bad.

 

I moved out as soon as I could. I'm not religious in the slightest and don't think those things but they are still stuck in my head.

 

I think I'll make a post there. Maybe I'll at least get more comfortable with it all or become more aware.

 

Then don't go to his place and don't sleep with him.

 

If you don't want to be thought at as a done deal than don't be one.

 

After sex with him on second date it will be too late to make him believe you're not that kind of woman. You don't believe in no strings attached sex but that's what you're about to do.

 

A lot of men chase women for sex and if they have it too soon they lose interest. They feel she let it happen too soon therefore she's easy and the chase is over.

 

You're right. I don't want him to think of me as that kind of woman. It's something that I can never change. Maybe I have him some sort of impression that I was that kind of woman.

 

I probably shouldn't even take condoms "just in case", that's like leaving the door wide open for sex. And if he happened to see them somehow maybe he'd think that I'm that kind of girl. I don't want him to get bored of me.

[Phoenician]

Amytm ,

 

With all my respect , until now you got advises from women mostly , experienced women , who were definetly hurt at a certain point of time .

 

I respect their opinion , but I have a different one ...

 

first I would like to say that a man who enjoys really intimacy , adores giving Oral to his partner ,

 

I am not sure if the sex deprivation I go through from time to time is the cause , or the fact that my wife just gave me missionary all the time , and stops me when It try to give her Oral ..!

 

but for me hearing my partner making sounds while I give her Oral is extremely joyful to me ...

 

Some ladies can't get an orgasm from PIV , they get it by rubbing , by oral , by foreplay , clit simulation or even anal .

You have not gone through any !

 

I am like like you , but a male , who was with same partner since 18 years ...

 

I think due to either social/religious/cultural reasons some women are raised to consider sex as a duty or even a bad thing even after marriage ; and some men are jerks/immature ( I was one of them) who don't know how to work on it .

 

 

AnyWay My advise to you is to have intimacy with him if he approaches you in your comfort zone .

 

Don't tell him at this stage about your previous experience ; your sexual history is your own at least at this stage ...

 

 

You have been deprived from the best pleasure Venus deserve ,

 

Don't talk a lot before and during intimacy , just follow the rythm ...

 

tell him however that you like foreplay and soft actions as an appetizer.

touch your body softly in front of him ...

 

if he is smart and a giver he will do everything to please you without you even ask for....

 

if he is a jerk he will just do PIV .

 

Both ways you will go through a good experience ...

 

Enjoy dear , make those lovely sounds ...

 

relax and enjoy .

Edited March 17, 2016 by Phoenician

[SSJROMANCE]

I'm French-Canadian, my ex was from some small town in Ireland. We definitely had some differences in culture but I don't know how much can be blamed on that. I was raised in a extremely religious adoptive home. I was told that sex before marriage was bad and no one would want me if I did it, that sex was soley for the man's pleasure and procreation, porn would damage your mind, masturbating was cheating on your future husband, orgasms for the women were bad. Then when my ex came along and said some of the same things it reinforced those, like sex being for the man and masturbating being bad.

 

I moved out as soon as I could. I'm not religious in the slightest and don't think those things but they are still stuck in my head.

 

I think I'll make a post there. Maybe I'll at least get more comfortable with it all or become more aware.

 

 

 

You're right. I don't want him to think of me as that kind of woman. It's something that I can never change. Maybe I have him some sort of impression that I was that kind of woman.

 

I probably shouldn't even take condoms "just in case", that's like leaving the door wide open for sex. And if he happened to see them somehow maybe he'd think that I'm that kind of girl. I don't want him to get bored of me.

 

 

I've read a lot of your posts and I'm willing to bet that any guy could bring you home and have sex with you. You clearly have low self esteem and other issues I cannot pinpoint. I don't think you have a clear boundary. You are unsure about a lot of things and it's clearly bothering you. This is not a sign of a strong woman. This guy will control you from start to finish. He will tell you all the things you want to hear and you will allow him to call the shots. Worse if you don't bring condoms he will probably convince you it's OK not to use them.

 

I would rethink what you are doing. I just don't want to see you used and thrown out like so many other women like yourself. My god child, who had a child at 16, who is now 18, thought she found this great guy to take care of her and her daughter. She was madly in love very early in the relationship. They talked about getting a house, etc… Now I just read he left them only after a few months of dating. She is devastated. She never saw this coming. I can't help to think he just wanted some sex until he found someone without all the baggage. I would hate to see this happen to you.

[Phoenician]

SSJROMANCE ,

 

you might be right in few things ...

And I can feel your sincere advise ;

sorry for your daughter .

may be you are right , she has self esteem issues , anyone in her position will be .

however OP is an adult , who passed through hard time , and she deserve some fun ;

she almost lost her identity ,

she deserve to feel sexual ,

 

she knows that the experience may not be a gate to an LTR .

 

But the point of killing the moment might kill her desire ...

 

 

OP, Go for it baby , enjoy it max ...

regarding the condoms issue , tell him to go get them before starting , and be firm that you don't proceed without them .

[SSJROMANCE]

SSJROMANCE ,

 

you might be right in few things ...

And I can feel your sincere advise ;

sorry for your daughter .

may be you are right , she has self esteem issues , anyone in her position will be .

however OP is an adult , who passed through hard time , and she deserve some fun ;

she almost lost her identity ,

she deserve to feel sexual ,

 

she knows that the experience may not be a gate to an LTR .

 

But the point of killing the moment might kill her desire ...

 

 

OP, Go for it baby , enjoy it max ...

regarding the condoms issue , tell him to go get them before starting , and be firm that you don't proceed without them .

 

 

Did I miss something? I thought she didn't want to be seen as "easy"? Maybe I misread her?

 

If she wants to have sex because she wants this guy to please her and to come out of her sexual closet then by all means she should rock the house down!!! She should also realize though that by doing so that this will probably end very badly for her IF she is also looking for a LTR.

[Summer3]

Did I miss something? I thought she didn't want to be seen as "easy"? Maybe I misread her? But if I got this correct what you are suggesting by asking him to get condoms before the date - well she couldn't be seen any more easier than that.

 

If she wants to have sex because she wants this guy to please her and to come out of her sexual closet then by all means she should rock the house down!!! She should also realize though that by doing so that this will probably end very badly for her IF she is also looking for a LTR.

 

I like my idea best. She should say "I'd love to come to dinner but since I don't really know you would it be OK if my mom and kids come along? They'd love to have a dinner made by a really great chef! Since the divorce we don't get to eat out a lot."

 

(Let him tell her no.)

[SSJROMANCE]

SSJROMANCE ,

 

you might be right in few things ...

And I can feel your sincere advise ;

sorry for your daughter .

may be you are right , she has self esteem issues , anyone in her position will be .

however OP is an adult , who passed through hard time , and she deserve some fun ;

she almost lost her identity ,

she deserve to feel sexual ,

 

she knows that the experience may not be a gate to an LTR .

 

But the point of killing the moment might kill her desire ...

 

 

OP, Go for it baby , enjoy it max ...

regarding the condoms issue , tell him to go get them before starting , and be firm that you don't proceed without them .

 

 

About the condoms - while we were broke up my wife had sex 4 times throughout the night with a predator - similar to what this guy might be. She asked him to use a condom. I guess she couldn't tell whether he had one on or not because by after the last morning sex she noticed only one condom laying on the floor. You cannot reuse a condom. They had sex four times. He ignored what she wanted because, like this guy, probably won't give a crap what she wants.

[SSJROMANCE]

I like my idea best. She should say "I'd love to come to dinner but since I don't really know you would it be OK if my mom and kids come along? They'd love to have a dinner made by a really great chef! Since the divorce we don't get to eat out a lot."

 

(Let him tell her no.)

 

I like that. And bring the cat and the dog too - they LOVE leftovers. Then as you all are leaving out the door ask if he would cook for all you again. If he says he would love too then you found your man. If he says sure no problem let me check my calendar and he never calls you back - well there you go.