What are my immediate next steps?

[Mnek]

I am a BS who just discovered my wife is having an EA that got physical with a male coworker (not married). I saw flirty text messages from the AP but she blamed him saying that it was one-sided. I was confident in her and our relationship so I didn't think much of it. It came to a head on 2/26 when she came home at 3am and lied about where she was and who she was with. I found out she was with the AP after talking directly to the friend she said she was with. Confronted her about it but got the classic defensive behavior and she was offended that I would even suggest she would cheat. Since then I have been very suspicious and I tracked her iPhone location at his house at least once and found chat logs confirming the affair.

 

The stuff they say to each other is devastating. She knows it's wrong and seems like she might be trying to end it but he is trying really really hard to convince her to keep it going. I have no confirmation from her that it's over so I assume it's still going on.

 

Our marriage is not perfect, I have been really busy working a lot. We are young (late 20's) and I was focused on my career. I realized I was neglecting her and took responsibility and immediate steps to change my work life balance.

 

For the past week, I have been trying to fix that but she doesn't give me the opportunity. She says I am suffocating her and she wants "space".

 

We have only talked indirectly about the affair. She didn't come out and admit anything yet but she is aware that I know. I tried to simply get her to confirm she ended it but she doesn't want to talk and can't answer any questions (because she says she needs space and time to be alone and think).

 

We dated for 11 years before being married for 1.5 years now. I don't want to get divorced (she says she doesn't either) but everything I've read here says "space" is a cheaters way to see out the affair and keep me as her safe plan B since she knows I'll just be here waiting. I love her so much that I would do anything to get her back but I'm worried she will never come back if I don't do something.

 

Last night, she said she wanted to sleep in separate bedrooms so we did for the first time. What are my options here? Should I continue this in home separation or kick her out until she ends the affair? How about contact LC or NC? 180? Looking for any recommendations to handle this terrible situation.

[oldshirt]

I am sorry to hear this is happening to you. I am afraid you are going to like what I have to say but your situation is actually very very bleak. She is actually very entrenched in this affair (much more than you even know) and she is stiff-arming every effort you making to save the marriage.

 

As things stand at this point in time, your chances of saving this marriage is nil.

 

This is going to sound counter intuitive and counter productive, but at this point your only chance at saving yourself and the only possible chance of saving your marriage is to ask her to leave and immediately consult an attorney and begin divorce proceedings.

 

There is a 95% chance your marriage is over and so you need to protect your finances, property, resources and sanity so you absolutely MUST get an attorney and get started on protecting your assets so she doesn't empt the accounts and head to the Caribbean with her new man.

 

And for that 5% chance of saving the marriage, she has to wake up and face the facts of reality. Right now she is full of horny and in-love hormones with the other man and isn't thinking straight. She won't wake up and get out of the affair fog until she is out of the marital home and having to respond to legal papers being presented to her by the court.

 

It won't be until she is being ordered present validated financial disclosures and property and asset division orders by the court that the fun and frivolity of the affair will wear off.

 

At this moment, the actions to save your marriage and the actions to protect yourself are the same.

[oldshirt]

I'll break this down to even simpler steps -

 

-get an attorney TODAY.

 

-do what attorney says.

 

Period.

[jnel921]

Mnek,

 

Sorry to hear you are hurting. Now is the time to show strength. Forget about this space. You need acknowledgement then separate yourself. Show her that YOU will not deal with her or this M if she is not willing to talk, or show any kind of remorse for what was done.

 

Telling her you want her and that she should end it will look like weakness. As long as she knows you are willing to hold on and put up with her actions she wont change.

 

I know you have vested a lot of time and you both are young. If she is flattered and will act on this by cheating in your M. Cut your losses while you are still young and can have a M where you both appreciate, respect and love each other truly.

 

This is not a good start after discovery. The more you sweep this under the rug the harder you will fall on your face. Good luck to you.

[lolablue17]

When things are complicated, the best way to do is to stick to the basics... Why on earth would you want to be married to a woman who treats you like you're nobody?

 

The affair + her denial + her saying she wants space while you want to fix things + wants to sleep in separate beds... WOW... I would tell her that from now on she can have as much space as she needs. Bye bye, end of story, asra la vista - Next....

 

If you don't have any kids, than it's not so complicated. go to a lawyer, hand her the papers, and you're free to find a real woman who can love you, and care for you.

[GorillaTheater]

All good advice. Since you've asked about the 180, yes. As you go through this process, you'll find that the 180 will provide firm footing when you may feel like the ground under you is crumbling.

 

 

I'm very sorry that you're going through this. The most important thing I can tell you is this: whatever happens, you can handle it.

[oldshirt]

I'll break this down to even simpler steps -

 

-get an attorney TODAY.

 

-do what attorney says.

 

Period.

 

The reason I say this is the affair is confirmed, out don't need to do any investigating.

 

She is still involved with him and is not taking any actual actions to stop seeing him.

 

Other than very superficial lip service, she is making no steps or actions to try to save the marriage.

 

There for we must assume the marriage is rapidly closing in on the finish line at this point and you have to protect yourself and your assets.

 

This is all business and legalities at this point. Eliminate the emotional and relationship component and focus solely on the business and legalities.

 

Your heart strings will pull you to try to reason with her and plead with her and negotiate with her and you will try to not do anything that will cause her discomfort or anger her.

 

All of those things will harm you so you will have to do your best to ignore your heart strings. That is why you need an attorney and to do what your attorney says even though your heart will be screaming at you not to do it.

 

You need a disinterested, 3rd party professional to represent your best legal and financial matters and who will not be swayed by your heart or your sexdrive.

 

You asked what your next steps should be so here are your next steps -

 

- GET AN ATTORNEY.

 

- DO WHAT ATTORNEY SAYS.

 

Do exactly what your attorney says to do, even if your heart tells you not to and even if it will anger her or make her sad and will upset her family.

 

Do not do anything your attorney tells you not to do, even if you think it will help.

 

Do not do anything with the direct, expressed direction of your attorney, even if you think it is a good idea and you think it will help.

 

To put it simply, your attorney knows more about divorce than you do. He/she went to law school for 4 years and studied divorce law and he/she deals with multiple divorces a day for years and years. Do not try to outsmart or outthink your attorney.

 

Do what he/she says to the letter and nothing else.

[OneLov]

Tell her until she ends the affair you have nothing to say to her and anything she needs to say to you must go through your attorney. If you stand any chance you must pull a hard 180. But in the mean time, you should take an honest inventory of your emotions. Even if she were to come back, would you want to have a relationship with her? Not to be rude, but her behavior as you described is very disrespectful and communicates borderline indifference of your feelings.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting,

OL

[oldshirt]

Even if your attorney makes a couple little technical errors here and there, he/she will still make far far fewer blunders than if you try to freelance something.

 

Do what your attorney says.

 

This is all a practical legal and financial matter now. All the marital and relationship stuff has already ended.

[Satu]

Sorry that you're in this painful situation.

 

 

It sounds like she has emotionally checked out of the marriage, and that the affair with the other guy is still live.

 

Her need for 'space' is really a need for distance from you, because she doesn't want you limiting her activities with the other guy.

 

Your marriage is at best, hanging by a thread.

 

You should give her no choices other than to end the affair and try to work things out, or to leave in the very near future.

 

It is very unfortunate that you have placed yourself in such a very weak position with your, "I love her so much that I would do anything to get her back," because that effectively gives her a license to do whatever she wants, regardless of how it might impact you.

 

If you continue with that kind of thinking, it will bring about the end of your marriage.

 

Instead, you should up strongly for your rights and insist that she ends the affair.

 

Talk to your lawyer.

 

 

Take care.

Edited March 16, 2016 by Satu

[flowergirl14]

Your lucky that you found this site. Many people flounder around on reconciliation sites and try to figure out what their part in the affair is. They twist around like pretzels, give gifts, up the sex to the offending spouse. It takes awhile to realize but this affair isnt about your marriage or you. You changing things isnt going to work. She is showing you that she could care less what you do. Her head and heart are with the other guy.

Its about her and her character. You are both in the same marriage with the same stresses and life events and yet you did not cheat. The people on this site give good advice because they have lived it, because they have seen story after story just like yours. Cheaters and cheating are all the same. Same crappy behavior. Occasionally, there is a couple that makes it through but the odds are not in your favor. Those that make it have years and years of rebuilding, trust issues etc. There is NO MAGIC TIMELINE! It can be a soul sucking experience so listen to the veterans here!

[Mnek]

Thank you all. You are giving me strength. But damn this is difficult.

 

I will definitely take what you said under consideration. I guess no one said it was going to be easy. I'm really not ready to go forward with a D right now. (I know this isn't a good reason either but I have full control of finances she doesn't even know the passwords for accounts). But I am trying to wrap my head around it oldshirt, I'm trying. Unless you are saying file for D as a tool without any intention of going through with it?

 

Is there nothing else that can be attempted first?

How about advice from infidelity survivors, are there any of you out there? I know that it's possible in some cases.

 

I think I can get the courage to tell her that if she's still having the affair she can't stay in our home. If she stays though, I want to at least try whether it be counseling or something else before giving up all hope. If she leaves, I think I already know what I need to do.

[aliveagain]

Talk to a lawyer, immediately stop trying to save the marriage by playing the pick me game, it just makes you look needy and needy is a very unattractive trait. Google the 180 and make it your new way of life. The 180 are actions that will help you to detach from your wife and in the process makes you look stronger and stronger is an attractive trait. By separating from you she is free to test drive the other man without having to suffer the guilt of infidelity. Separate your finances immediately, don't help finance her affair. Do not be her back up, you will not be her friend if you divorce. Do not leave the house unless your lawyer tells you to do so.

 

If she still wants separation just file for divorce, it takes time to get to the final decree and you can stop the divorce at anytime up until then. Why prolong the agony any longer then you have to. If she isn't into the marriage it's better you know now then later. Decide if her job is more important then your marriage, if you value your marriage more, expose them. Remember, cheaters are liars, she and other man are plotting together against you. Nothing you did drove her into his arms, cheating is a conscious decision and she is cheating because she wants to. There are two ways to take yourself out of infidelity, she stops and agrees to all of your terms for remaining in the marriage (transparency, no contact with other man, etc.) or you kick her cheating a$$ out and you divorce her. One way or another you will get through this, we all did. Cheating 1.5 years into your marriage isn't very hopeful.

[BuddyX]

Time for DDay. Option A (she stay) Option B (go).

If she picks A, she has to be transparent. Email, text, etc.

if she cries about that, show her proof. Tell her she has to earn your trust. It will take years.

If she picks B. Help her with the bags and kick her out.

 

Go 180 no matter out. You have nice guy tendencies. Stop that.

Also get a an attorney no matter.

[Buckeye2]

The affair + her denial + her saying she wants space while you want to fix things + wants to sleep in separate beds... WOW... I would tell her that from now on she can have as much space as she needs.

 

Do you think your actions are attractive to any woman? At best you’re a weak brother that she feels sorry for. Why in the world would she ever stop her affair? She has you for stability and security and the other man (OM) for excitement. You're too timid to even bring up the affair when she's being faithful to the OM.

[Satu]

*I think I can get the courage to tell her that if she's still having the affair she can't stay in our home. If she stays though, **I want to at least try whether it be counselling or something else before giving up all hope. If she leaves, I think I already know what I need to do.

 

*Good.

 

**Do not tell her that you will do anything to keep her/get her back.

[lolablue17]

I think I can get the courage to tell her that if she's still having the affair she can't stay in our home.

 

No no no! You maintain the same pattern of "you need something form her". It expresses weakness. REVERSE IT!

 

Tell her that it's over, and tomorrow you're going to see a lawyer to start making the papers. Take the lead! Let her be running after you. let her understand that you're going so fast, she'll have to run after you to catch you.

 

If she doesn't... Well, you know what to do.

[Joie]

I am a BS and my H and I our working hard on staying together.

 

 

The main problem I see from your post is that she doesn't appear to want to work and save the marriage. I didn't have to beg my H to stop talking, texting or seeing the OW. He knew that it was wrong and stopped immediately. (I wish he had stopped before the affair started). Same thing with transparency. If you have to beg her to be transparent she probably isn't. My H was the one who suggested I have access to his phone, email, etc because he wanted to start helping me trust him again.

 

Also...I don't do anything that won't make me happy in the long run. Everyone I know said I should throw my husband out. I didn't believe in the end that is what would make me happy so I didn't do it. It is painful and humiliating though to know your spouse had an affair. However, while he was the one who caused the humiliation he is there to support me through it. I don't think it would've be worth the pain if he wasn't trying so hard.

 

It doesn't sound like she is willing to try. You can't save a marriage if the other person won't but in the effort.

 

Good Luck.

[aliveagain]

Friend, you have to stop the affair because no amount of counselling will help ether of you as long as the affair is ongoing. Marriage counselling is a waste of money until she finds out why she gave herself the approval to have an affair, why she needs validation from other men, why your validation isn't enough. The best way for her to do this is by independent counselling. She first needs to want to be in the marriage you can't make her want to.

 

Do not have unprotected sex with her, she needs to be tested for all STD's, you don't know the other man's sexual history and cheaters always lie about using protection. Control what you can control and right now that is you. Plan for the worst and hope for the best. There are things far worse then divorce and sharing your wife with the O/M is one of them. In time and from reading other posts you will learn that the biggest regret that most betrayed spouses had were that they didn't take decisive action earlier after finding out about their spouses infidelity. If you have no children with her, this will be the easiest time for you to get out of infidelity. The worst thing you can do is nothing. I guess you can just accept that you will share her with other men and just have an open relationship but that's not one of my choices or one I would recommend to you. Stand up for yourself because she sure as hell isn't.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think I can get the courage to tell her that if she's still having the affair she can't stay in our home.

 

Ah, the infidelity Catch-22. How will you know if she's continuing the affair? The only way to guarantee that would be full disclosure to friends and family, complete transparency on her part and a job change to ensure NC. That seems a long way from her current position.

 

How about advice from infidelity survivors, are there any of you out there?

 

I survived infidelity by divorcing my wife because, like yours, she showed no interest in the hard work and heavy lifting reconciliation requires. While I admire your desire to remain hopeful, right now it's not supported by the facts...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GorillaTheater]

Is there nothing else that can be attempted first?

 

 

Nothing that will work remotely as well as making it clear to your wife that you're calmly walking away from her mess. You absolutely have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. I'm not going to give you odds on whether you can successfully reconcile; too much depends on her willingness to do the hard work and on her remorse, neither of which you have from her at the moment. But to have any chance at all, you have to make it clear that you're letting her go, and that you're looking forward to the next chapter in your life.

[Joie]

There is nothing like sitting in your doctor's office waiting for STD testing to help you think clearly. Your spouse loses quite a bit of shine after that mortifying day.

 

You may find the strength to separate from her after all.

[BrownHairedGuy]

Mnek - wow, this hits close to home. Please take the time to read my post and you will find that I dealt with pretty much this same situation. Trust me, do as everyone else is saying and go find an attorney. You say you're in your late 20's and you've been married a year and a half. A year and a half in and your wife is already having an affair, you most likely don't have a lot of things to split and you don't have any kids. She's selfish and doesn't respect you. Cut the cord now while you're still young and can start life over. Even if she all of a sudden shows that she is willing to put in the effort to fix your marriage you have to ask yourself if you'll ever be able to trust her again. If you'll be able to deal with what she did and not have those thoughts haunt you for years to come. I don't know about you, but if the trust isn't there that's not someone I can be married to. Marriage needs 100% trust from each person in my opinion to function correctly.

 

You dated for 11 years and that's quite a bit of time, but again you're in your 20s still. 11 years isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. Start over, look at things you could have done better in the relationship (even though the affair absolutely wasn't your fault), come out of this stronger and smarter in life and in your next relationship (there will definitely be another one) and find a woman to spend the next 60 years of your life with. One that will respect you, love you, be faithful to you, and never want to do anything that would hurt you. Take care and keep us updated on how you are doing, there are a lot of smart wonderful people on this forum that are here for you.

[BuddyX]

No no no! You maintain the same pattern of "you need something form her". It expresses weakness. REVERSE IT!

 

Tell her that it's over, and tomorrow you're going to see a lawyer to start making the papers. Take the lead! Let her be running after you. let her understand that you're going so fast, she'll have to run after you to catch you.

 

If she doesn't... Well, you know what to do.

 

^^^Yes Yes and Yes.

 

You got major case of wife goggles on. Time to take them off. Currently, she's not your friend. Would you tolerate this from a friend?

 

I took the goggles off. My world is a lot clearer.

 

Simple question to her "Are you in or are you out?".

Non of this "maybe I can..."

You're a grown ass man. Pull yourself together.

[Mn_bowhunter]

Your story and mine are similar to a T. Don't do what I did in trying to work with her. It ends up biting you later on.

 

"Space" means space from you so she can continue with the OM without you getting in the way.

Edited March 16, 2016 by Mn_bowhunter