What are my immediate next steps?

[Betrayed&Stayed]

We have only talked indirectly about the affair. She didn't come out and admit anything yet but she is aware that I know. I tried to simply get her to confirm she ended it but she doesn't want to talk and can't answer any questions (because she says she needs space and time to be alone and think).

 

 

Last night, she said she wanted to sleep in separate bedrooms so we did for the first time. What are my options here?

 

 

Looking for any recommendations to handle this terrible situation.

 

My advice? Man up and get firm. If she is unwilling to address this serious issue, then your next step is to instill the fear of loss into her. Maybe if she sees that you are willing to dump her immediately, then maybe she will see the reality of her situation. Until then she will continue her affair.

 

Until the A is exposed and ended, there is nothing you can do to "fix" her or your marriage. That takes two, and she is not on board.

 

My advice is to walk away. No kids makes this a no-brainer. Adultery never goes away. If you stay with her, regardless if she turns into superwife, the affair will remain part of your marital history. You might be able to forgive, but you'll never forget.

 

Also, you are at the beginning stage of discovery. From here on out it will only get much worse before it gets better. Regardless of divorce or reconciliation, you're in for a long and bumpy emotional ride.

[harrybrown]

Get tested for stds and see your attorney now.

 

Until you are firm and ending the marriage, you have lost.

 

Protect yourself.

 

She is having sex with the OM and not with you.

 

File now. Then after the D, find someone new.

 

She is not who you think she is, she is not the woman you think you know.

[drifter777]

Thank you all. You are giving me strength. But damn this is difficult.

 

I will definitely take what you said under consideration. I guess no one said it was going to be easy. I'm really not ready to go forward with a D right now. (I know this isn't a good reason either but I have full control of finances she doesn't even know the passwords for accounts). But I am trying to wrap my head around it oldshirt, I'm trying. Unless you are saying file for D as a tool without any intention of going through with it?

 

Is there nothing else that can be attempted first?

How about advice from infidelity survivors, are there any of you out there? I know that it's possible in some cases.

 

I think I can get the courage to tell her that if she's still having the affair she can't stay in our home. If she stays though, I want to at least try whether it be counseling or something else before giving up all hope. If she leaves, I think I already know what I need to do.

Of course it is possible in some cases. However, when you wife is actively having sex with another man, want's her space, and isn't sleeping in your bed anymore there is little to no chance of reconciliation.

 

Since you don't want to divorce I suggest you try to come to terms with this. You are going to have to share her with a boyfriend until such time as she simply doesn't want to come home to you any longer. Maybe you could arrange for an open marriage - although it already is an open marriage for her. So, are you up for hooking up with some strange? If it is something you would consider than I urge you to do it ASAP and tell her about it. Some couples can live in an open marriage - I guess. We do have a couple people on this forum who have or are living this life and will defend it as something that works for them.

 

If you don't want to share her or try an open marriage then you have no choice - you have to leave the marriage. As oldshirt pointed out, when she is served with Divorce papers she might get scared and do what she has to do so you stop the proceedings. She might even realize she loves you and snap out of this whole thing although it's much more likely she will either simply see you in court or begin manipulating her so you will keep paying the bills while she screws her boyfriend.

 

You need a counselor as soon as you possibly can find one. Tell him/her that you are in an infidelity crisis and need some help and guidance right now.

[jnel921]

Thank you all. You are giving me strength. But damn this is difficult.

 

I will definitely take what you said under consideration. I guess no one said it was going to be easy. I'm really not ready to go forward with a D right now. (I know this isn't a good reason either but I have full control of finances she doesn't even know the passwords for accounts). But I am trying to wrap my head around it oldshirt, I'm trying. Unless you are saying file for D as a tool without any intention of going through with it?

 

Is there nothing else that can be attempted first?

How about advice from infidelity survivors, are there any of you out there? I know that it's possible in some cases.

 

I think I can get the courage to tell her that if she's still having the affair she can't stay in our home. If she stays though, I want to at least try whether it be counseling or something else before giving up all hope. If she leaves, I think I already know what I need to do.

 

Mnek.... we are all infidelity survivors here if you want to call it that...but if you are talking about people who have successfully reconciled after an A...then yes....I would be one of these people.

 

Mind you...I have been married twice and in both M's there was infidelity. The M that made it was the one where my WH was extremely remorseful and doing everything possible to show me he loved me and ultimately made me fall in love with him again...its been almost 3 and a half years since his A.

 

Now the exH I D was a liar, he showed no remorse, didn't want counseling, admitted said he didn't love me, never admitted to an A and he probably would have stayed married to me only to add my paycheck to help pay the bills. I wasn't going to live like that. Like you, we married young and I was his first. When he got attention and was flattered by other women it was decided I wouldn't be his last.

 

Before you rush to want to fix your M, you need to confirm if your WW feels the same way. It takes 2 people to make R work. You may be wasting your time. I know you want to hold on to hope but you cannot control your WW's feelings. Right now she is not willing to let go of her OM, and she doesn't want to talk about it and is sleeping separately. You say she doesn't want to D, but her actions don't show that.

 

Leave, then wait for a reaction. If there is none, D and move on. Your life will be better and you be glad you did so.

[Ladyjane14]

Thank you all. You are giving me strength. But damn this is difficult.

 

I will definitely take what you said under consideration. I guess no one said it was going to be easy. I'm really not ready to go forward with a D right now. (I know this isn't a good reason either but I have full control of finances she doesn't even know the passwords for accounts). But I am trying to wrap my head around it oldshirt, I'm trying. Unless you are saying file for D as a tool without any intention of going through with it?

 

Is there nothing else that can be attempted first?

How about advice from infidelity survivors, are there any of you out there? I know that it's possible in some cases.

 

I think I can get the courage to tell her that if she's still having the affair she can't stay in our home. If she stays though, I want to at least try whether it be counseling or something else before giving up all hope. If she leaves, I think I already know what I need to do.

 

Sorry but IMHO, there's just no way to save a marriage if you aren't willing to end it. It's got to be "either him or me" and "right now, on this spot, not later".

 

You are still young... and you don't want to be going through all this mess again two or three decades from now when your lives are utterly enmeshed and your options are more limited.

 

The problem that needs to be corrected isn't the state of the marriage or some love-sick attraction to another man. It's her CHARACTER. Right now, she's a person who can lie to your face and expose you to unknown pathogens with little more excuse than her own self-centered wants. THAT is the problem that needs solving. So, it's not merely a matter of breaking off the adulterous relationship. It's about making the internal growth that will allow her to be a trustworthy partner in the future so you don't end up repeating this pattern.

 

For that, you have to get tough and accept nothing less than a full commitment to relational repair. If she runs off with the other guy, consider yourself well shed of her and move on. She'd have brought you more heartache than contentment over the many years of a long marriage. If she wants to stay with you, she needs to earn her way back into your trust.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so terribly sorry that you're going through this. It's agony! I had no idea how much it could hurt until I experienced it.

 

When I first came here I had no idea that my H was having an affair. It was the longest, most agonizing, pain after pain until I finally realized what was happening. Then I found a letter he'd written to a friend stating that he'd told me it was over but he had no intention of breaking contact with her!

 

I finally flipped. I told him that he should go to her. I would explain to the kids. He was a lying scumbag. If he didn't get his act together NOW, this very moment it was over.

 

Suddenly he was going to kill himself! He hated himself for what he'd done.

 

I didn't believe the whole "To save a marriage you've got to be willing to loose it!" that made no sense to me! I genuinely had enough. Just couldn't take anymore. I accidently took that advise & it stopped my H's affair. To be honest, if it doesn't stop her nothing will & you'll end-up hating yourself. What are you going to do? Let her start inviting him over to 'sleep' in your spare bedroom?!?

 

It reaches a point that you don't have a choice. Theres only so much pain & humiliation you can take. It breaks you. I'm so sorry.

[aliveagain]

Friend, if she, your wife has to take time to think about who she wants to be with, you or the other guy then make the decision for her. Hefty garbage bags are cheap, pack her sh*t and have it on the front lawn tonight. Don't let it be her decision to make because she already made her decision, it involved sex with another man. Dishonest cheating people have no place in your life. You know the truth and she isn't wife enough to confess, case closed. The big orange trash bags hold the most sh*t and are the most visible on a front lawn. I refer to them as "No remorse orange."

[oldshirt]

Thank you all. You are giving me strength. But damn this is difficult.

 

I will definitely take what you said under consideration. I guess no one said it was going to be easy. I'm really not ready to go forward with a D right now. (I know this isn't a good reason either but I have full control of finances she doesn't even know the passwords for accounts). But I am trying to wrap my head around it oldshirt, I'm trying. Unless you are saying file for D as a tool without any intention of going through with it?

 

Is there nothing else that can be attempted first?

How about advice from infidelity survivors, are there any of you out there? I know that it's possible in some cases.

 

I think I can get the courage to tell her that if she's still having the affair she can't stay in our home. If she stays though, I want to at least try whether it be counseling or something else before giving up all hope. If she leaves, I think I already know what I need to do.

 

No I am absolutely NOT suggesting divorce as a ploy to get her to work on the marriage. You must be ready, willing and able to go through with it.

 

Here's the thing, in order for a marriage to survive infidelity at all, several things must happen -

 

 

- the WS must be truly remorseful and feel in their heart what they did was the wrong choice.

 

- they must severe all contact with the AP for life including finding another job if it's a coworker.

 

- they must allow full transparency and access to all communications and all devices.

 

- they must disclose the details of the affair and answer all the BS's questions about the A.

 

- and they must commit themselves 100% to fixing the marital issues and rebuilding trust, undergoing therapy and counseling etc.

 

Your wife is doing none of these things which means there is zero chance of reconciling at that point.

[Horton]

You asked what your next steps should be. Some have told you to seek counsel with a lawyer, which is good advice IMO, but I would also advise you to do something else and it may sound a little strange to you right now. I think you should(when you feel you can handle it) go to the OW/OM sub forum on this very website and read some threads from MW(married women) who either are currently having an affair or did have an affair and are still married to their BH(betrayed husband) in order to get a better understanding of what you're dealing with.

 

Right now all you know is what your wife tells you or what you can dig up through "snooping" on her, but if you read the thoughts of other adulteresses you will have a better idea of what she is likely thinking and not willing to share with you. Which could be helpful in planning your next move, sort of like intercepting the enemies transmissions in war.

 

You will come across multiple women whose affairs have been exposed who are in reconciliation and are still actively pining for their AP(affair partner) behind their husband's back. Which is yet another potential hole you could find yourself in, even several years into attempting to "fix" this mess she's made of your lives.

 

Do your best to think with your head and not with your heart, be as logical as you are currently capable of being given your condition, cause your wife is not remorseful(at least not yet) and she will likely use your emotions to her advantage. Right now she's made herself your enemy, regardless of how you happen to feel about it, this is where you currently stand with her.

Edited March 17, 2016 by Horton

[turnera]

Tell her right now to stop the affair.

 

When she refuses, or you catch her continuing, IMMEDIATELY call her parents, her siblings, her best friend, and her pastor, and tell them that she is cheating on you, and you want to save your marriage, but you won't share her with another man.

 

Then sit back and wait for the fireworks. Let her be mad. Don't react. Just stand there and say 'are you ready to stop cheating on me or not?'

 

If she refuses to stop, continue exposing the affair, until she reaches a point of either stopping the affair or moving out. Either way, you win.

[bubbaganoosh]

[quote=Mnek;6829475

 

I think I can get the courage to tell her that if she's still having the affair she can't stay in our home. If she stays though, I want to at least try whether it be counseling or something else before giving up all hope. If she leaves, I think I already know what I need to do.

 

If it was me and my wife was cheating, then she would be out of the house. I'll bet you anything that if you were the one cheating, you stuff would be in the driveway.

 

You let her know that you will not have your life put on hold because of her affair and she can't make her mind up so you have to step up to the plate and make her mind up for her by telling her that your not waiting for her and if she wants the marriage to work then it's on your terms. Remember she stabbed you in the back with the affair not you stabbing her. Let her have her way and she'll make it out like you forced her into the affair. It happens quite a bit.

[Friskyone4u]

After reading what you wrote I did not even have to read the responses. My bet is they all say pretty much the same thing in different words.

 

Your wife wants space so she can test drive her boyfriend

She has no intention of stopping until she faces some real life consequences

And the fact that she knows that you know and still continues is about as disrespectful as it gets

 

You cannot control her and there is no more guessing here so you in that sense are ahead of the game.

 

You only have two choices here my friend

(1) you see an attorney and knock her ass of the fence

(2) you play the "pick me dance" game and live in the open marriage she has created for you and hope it eventually stops, but he is single so do not hold your breath.

 

Should you choose option 1 you have a chance. Choose option 2 and you do not need any more advice.

 

You are actually in control here if you want to be. And stop trying to get her to come clean. She is not going to do it unless she does not like the alternative.

 

And stay the hell away from therapy. You do not go to marital therapy with a woman who is still banging her boyfriend.

[oldshirt]

 

And stay the hell away from therapy. You do not go to marital therapy with a woman who is still banging her boyfriend.

 

 

 

I want to expand on this point a bit more.

 

 

Things like counseling and marital therapy etc etc only work when the affair is dead and buried and the WS realizes they made a mistake and are truly remorseful and they have fully committed to reconciling.

 

 

None of that has taken place here. She is not only still seeing the OM, she is wanting "space" to continue to see him more and have the freedom play both ends as she sees fit.

 

 

Counseling/therapy etc is all wasted time, energy, money and breath while the WS is still being loved up by the AP. If the WS is still in contact with the AP then counseling/therapy is simply some lip service for show, it will not have any real effect.

 

 

When a WS is still in contact with the AP the only thing that might possibly (it is simply in a possibility, there are no guarentees here) snap them out of their affair fog is to lose things and to experience real world consequences for their actions.

 

 

Those consequences and losses are things like getting served divorce papers and having to appear in court. Obtaining a lawyer and shelling out lawyer fees. Leaving their marital home and finding an apartment. Dividing up the marital property. Experiencing the shame and judgement from the families and friends and coworkers etc.

 

 

Those are the things that make people step back and evaluate whether the A and the AP are really all that or not.

 

 

Things like begging and pleading and negotiating and asking for counseling/therapy etc are just things that feed their ego and give them power to dictate their own terms.

 

 

They have to experience real world loss and real world consequences and expense before they snap out of their fantasy world.

 

 

Bottom line here is counseling/therapy and any kind of discussion is mere spitting in the wind until the WS realizes they made a big mistake, are sincerely remorseful and have fully committed to saving the marriage.

 

 

You have none of those things here so "talk" is just wasted time and breath. You have no choice but to take actual action.

[oldshirt]

Friend, if she, your wife has to take time to think about who she wants to be with, you or the other guy then make the decision for her. Hefty garbage bags are cheap, pack her sh*t and have it on the front lawn tonight. Don't let it be her decision to make because she already made her decision, it involved sex with another man. Dishonest cheating people have no place in your life. You know the truth and she isn't wife enough to confess, case closed. The big orange trash bags hold the most sh*t and are the most visible on a front lawn. I refer to them as "No remorse orange."

 

This is harsh but true.

 

 

She is basically wanting to play both of you for the immediate time being. Since she has been totally remorseless and seems to be actively making steps to distance from you and move towards the OM, that means that she is wanting to make this a smooth transition from you to his bed.

 

 

She wants to maintain her current lifestyle in her marital home while she feathers her nest and takes her time making sure that the OM is all working out before she makes the final cut.

 

 

In essence, she is keeping you as a place holder and on reserve in case things don't pan out with the OM. She is holding you on the shelf as her back up in case he turns out to be just be pumping her and dumps her.

 

 

Don't wait in wings for her to feather her nest with him while continuing enjoy the lifestyle you help support.

 

 

Take action to preserve your own survival, financial stability and dignity. As harsh as it sounds, Aliveagain is right. Pack up her stuff and have it waiting on the lawn or better yet, haul it to the OM's house and leave it on his lawn.

 

 

The point here is YOU make your own decisions for your own life and don't put her in charge of what you do. Be proactive. Take charge of your own future and your own destiny.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

Take action to preserve your own survival, financial stability and dignity. As harsh as it sounds, Aliveagain is right. Pack up her stuff and have it waiting on the lawn or better yet, haul it to the OM's house and leave it on his lawn.

.

 

 

 

I used to be a serial OM in my youth. Let me give you a little lesson from OM101 here.

 

 

90% of guys that bang married women are just doing it for some extra poontang and for the ego boost. It's cheap, it's easy and it usually doesn't cost them anything (single women want to be dated and wined and dined etc. Married women typically just want attention and excitement.)

 

 

The vast vast majority of OM will slink back under their rock and throw the MW under the bus the very moment it starts to inconvenience them or cost them anything.

 

 

It is all fun and games when a married woman is stopping by your place to suck your (0(k after work. It turns into a whole new reality once your life starts getting upended.

 

 

There are a rare few single OM that do sincerely fall for the MW and in my experience and IMHO if the affair is developed and there are actual feelings and an actual rapport between the MW and the OM, if the OM steps up to the plate and agrees to take the MW on full time, it is over for the marriage anyway.

 

 

So to break it down into simple terms, 90% of OM are just looking for some extra poon and once the spotlight is shined on them and it costs them something, they thrown the MW under the bus and run for the hills.

 

 

For the other 10% that actually want the MW and are willing to step up and fight for them, they will win anyway.

 

 

So either way, expose the OM and drop off her stuff in his yard.

 

 

90% chance he'll dump her azz cold and run away.

 

 

10 % chance he'll pick her stuff up and take it into his house in which case it is all over you anyway.

 

 

Your real dilemma here is going to be what to do with her if he dumps her. She has already shown that she is moving more towards him and away from you now. If he dumps her are you really going to want her back knowing that she was planning on leaving you and choosing him over you???

 

 

Can you actually live with knowing you are second place?

 

 

I am sorry but this is a very dire situation and your chances of ever having a happy, healthy marriage from here are very very low.

 

 

You really need to look at this from the standpoint of what gives you the best chance of saving your own resources the best and what will save your own dignity, self esteem and self respect. All of those things point to taking a strong stand and make your own decisions and your own self determination.

[Mnek]

Again thank you to everyone for the support. It's a lot to absorb so I don't want people to feel like I'm not listening but I want to give an update.

 

So far after two days of 180 (I need to do it anyway regardless of outcome), she misses me and wants to get help. She sent me this message:

Who are you talking to? How did you find them? I think I want to talk to someone on my own before we do any type of joint couples thing, but I might be open to that also.

 

The common theme from everyone was get a D because she's not willing to put the work in to R. So at least there's a shred that she is willing to do something. I've known her a long time and I can tell she knows she f**ked up and she is starting to realize that I'm done with her if she doesn't get help.

 

I hope this doesn't sound stupid but I realized what I said before is not totally accurate. I came off pretty weak in that original post. I'm replaying conversations we have had over the past week and I realized I did not beg her to stop seeing him. I was firm saying it has to stop (this was Sunday) period. I just didn't go as far as saying we are getting a D, but now I know I have to be willing to do that and I am. It was after that that she said she needed this space and time to think.

 

I'm going to respond to her message and tell her I have been getting help from folks like you and that she's out unless she commits to getting help too with 100% NC with AP.

[oldshirt]

Again thank you to everyone for the support. It's a lot to absorb so I don't want people to feel like I'm not listening but I want to give an update.

 

So far after two days of 180 (I need to do it anyway regardless of outcome), she misses me and wants to get help. She sent me this message:

 

 

The common theme from everyone was get a D because she's not willing to put the work in to R. So at least there's a shred that she is willing to do something. I've known her a long time and I can tell she knows she f**ked up and she is starting to realize that I'm done with her if she doesn't get help.

 

I hope this doesn't sound stupid but I realized what I said before is not totally accurate. I came off pretty weak in that original post. I'm replaying conversations we have had over the past week and I realized I did not beg her to stop seeing him. I was firm saying it has to stop (this was Sunday) period. I just didn't go as far as saying we are getting a D, but now I know I have to be willing to do that and I am. It was after that that she said she needed this space and time to think.

 

I'm going to respond to her message and tell her I have been getting help from folks like you and that she's out unless she commits to getting help too with 100% NC with AP.

 

 

 

Actually don't tell her anything about the help you are getting or tell her anything about what you are up to.

 

 

That simply isn't any of her business.

 

 

 

 

This is all on her now. She is the one that dropped the ball so she is the one that has to do all the heavy lifting.

 

 

Your job here is to circle your wagons and protect yourself and your assets.

 

 

This is far far from over my friend. There are going to be dark and stormy days and bright and sunny days but the journey has just begun.

 

 

Keep with the plan to get an attorney and come up with a plan with your attorney. Do what your attorney says to protect yourself.

 

 

Even if you file you can always cancel a divorce right up to the morning before the judges gavel comes down.

 

 

Remember Hitler and the Nazis talked peace and were working on peace treaties with every country as their tanks were rolling across their borders. You need to be prepared for that here as well.

 

 

As I said, she needs to do the heavy lifting. Tell her very little. If she says she wants to do counseling/therapy, tell her to let you know when the session is scheduled, then sit back and see if she ever actually books it.

 

 

One thing you absolutely must learn real fast is to deferenciate the difference between talk and action. Talk is cheap and means nothing. Actions and behaviors are the real truth and mean everything.

 

 

If she says she's going to break it off with him but sucks his #$#@, the #$@% sucking is what counts and the words of breaking it off mean nothing.

 

 

If she says she wants to do therapy but never books a therapist - there's your sign.

 

 

You work on protecting yourself and getting your game plan in place. She's the one that does the heavy lifting if she wants to remain married.

 

 

Do you understand what I am saying here?

[Mr. Lucky]

she's out unless she commits to...100% NC with AP.

 

This isn't something you can take her word on anymore than you'd accept an alcoholic spouse's declaration they'd stopped drinking. She'd need to commit to total transparency in phone, text, email, social media and whereabouts. She'd also need to get a new job since this was a workplace affair.

 

Difficult and expensive but divorce is more so...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Whatnotagain]

 

Our marriage is not perfect, I have been really busy working a lot. We are young (late 20's) and I was focused on my career. I realized I was neglecting her and took responsibility and immediate steps to change my work life balance.

 

 

This isn't justification for her having an affair. It isn't a normal or healthy behavior for her to go and cheat on you because of you were busy or focused on your career. It is fine if you want to change things and be more focused on your relationship, but don't justify what she did by saying it was because of what you were doing. There are a hundred different ways to solve problems in a relationship and having an affair isn't one of them. If you insist on talking this out with her at some point you need remember that there is no justification for what she did.

[drifter777]

I'm going to respond to her message and tell her I have been getting help from folks like you and that she's out unless she commits to getting help too with 100% NC with AP.

If it's not too late then please do NOT respond to her message. If you do you are waving a sign that says "I'm just bluffing because I'll do anything to keep you" and that is not the 180. The 180 should result in HER waving that flag and you deciding whether her and your marriage are worth another try. After a month or so after you've filed for divorce and living on your own with strict no contact you will be in position to make an intelligent decision. Right now you are still in emotional shock and way, way too vulnerable to even talk to her. She is in complete "smooth this over and get back to my life" mode and will manipulate you as much as she possibly can. She'll use tears and sex and promises and lies and you are nearly defenseless to this onslaught in your condition.

 

Maintain No Contact and move ahead with the divorce. If you decide later on to try to reconcile you can always put things on hold but you need to stick to this plan for now.

[drifter777]

This isn't something you can take her word on anymore than you'd accept an alcoholic spouse's declaration they'd stopped drinking. She'd need to commit to total transparency in phone, text, email, social media and whereabouts. She'd also need to get a new job since this was a workplace affair.

 

Difficult and expensive but divorce is more so...

 

Mr. Lucky

No kids involved? In that case divorce is not at all difficult (technically) or expensive. The elephant in the room is without children than why in the hell would any couple stay married after infidelity??

[oldshirt]

If it's not too late then please do NOT respond to her message. If you do you are waving a sign that says "I'm just bluffing because I'll do anything to keep you" and that is not the 180. The 180 should result in HER waving that flag and you deciding whether her and your marriage are worth another try. After a month or so after you've filed for divorce and living on your own with strict no contact you will be in position to make an intelligent decision. Right now you are still in emotional shock and way, way too vulnerable to even talk to her. She is in complete "smooth this over and get back to my life" mode and will manipulate you as much as she possibly can. She'll use tears and sex and promises and lies and you are nearly defenseless to this onslaught in your condition.

 

Maintain No Contact and move ahead with the divorce. If you decide later on to try to reconcile you can always put things on hold but you need to stick to this plan for now.

 

 

 

I am in total agreement with Drifter.

 

 

This is why I harped on getting an attorney and following the attorney's counsel to the letter yesterday. Your heart is going to be screaming at you to do things that are going to shoot you in the foot. You are far too emotional to make rational decisions at this point. Leave the decision making to your attorney until you have your wagons circled to the point that she can not harm you.

 

 

As Drifter said, she is going to use tears and promises and sex and anything else at her disposal to try to smooth things over and keep her play time and feather her nest with the other man as long as she can.

 

 

You plan your future life and self determination with your attorney and let her play her own game on her time. Do not be pulled in to playing her game because she will win at her game every single time.

[BetrayedH]

I'm going to be one more voice in the chorus of voices here advising you to take a strong stance here. It is imperative that you do so, whether you want to reconcile or divorce.

 

You do need to be following 'the 180.' If you aren't familiar, one of us here will share it.

 

As well, you need to see an attorney (many will do an initial consult for free) to learn your options and how to protect yourself.

 

I'm sorry to say it but you should also get an STD screening and you should absolutely insist upon one for your wife before you get anywhere near her again. The other posters are right that waywards rarely use protection. People engaging in affairs have embraced the risk-taking and if they're going to risk their marriage and their career, it won't be so that they can hold hands. They go all-in. And if caught, they lie, deny, minimize, gaslight, and lie some more. Protect yourself because you are the only one that has your back right now.

 

I also agree with those that say to file for divorce. You need to send a clear message that what she has done is a dealbreaker. Nothing sends that message as well as the receipt of divorce papers at work. And if she wants to avoid the divorce, she has to do a complete turn-around. As the others have said, that involves her going NC with the OM (for life), committing to full transparency without reservation - her life is an open book, quitting her job, scheduling individual counseling, and doing a good 2-5 years (or however long it takes) of heavy lifting to try to rebuild trust. You need to be clear as day that her marriage is OVER unless she makes a complete turnaround and that you're not kidding and that you're not desperate. Filing the papers sends a clear message. She'll either "get it" or she won't. If she truly demonstrates remorse such that you think you might be able to forgive, you can always halt the proceedings. If she doesn't, then you're on the way to the divorce you need.

 

Interestingly enough, most of the betrayed spouses around here that I would say have successfully reconciled started very much this way. They helped their wayward spouses pack their bags and wished them well with their affair partner. They made the consequences plainly obvious. Suddenly, the thrills and excitement of a hidden fantasy affair were replaced by huge amounts of stress, embarassment, crying children, horrified phone calls from family members, and an affair partner that drops them because this wasn't what they signed-up for. The "affair fog" is then quickly blown away. Many waywards suddenly find themselves (with their bags on the front porch) wondering what the hell they've been doing.

 

Your other choice involves enabling them to continue the affair, being "patient," looking like the fool, and your sense of self-worth takes a freaking nose dive. Worse yet, this self-deprecating strategy doesn't even work because it precludes the consequences that would spur change, and looks pathetically unattractive and weak.

 

You need to fight for your marriage. And you do that by not accepting unacceptable behaviors. You become more attractive by showing strength and calling your wife on her shlt. You show her a strong and confident man. After all, what do you have to feel unconfident about? You're not the one with shotty morals and piss poor judgment here.

 

Want to fight for your marriage? The path has been laid before you. Step off of it at your peril.

Edited March 17, 2016 by BetrayedH

[oldshirt]

I'm going to be one more voice in the chorus of voices here advising you to take a strong stance here. It is imperative that you do so, whether you want to reconcile or divorce.

 

You do need to the following 'the 180.' If you aren't familiar, one of us here will share it.

 

As well, you need to see an attorney (many will do an initial consult for free) to learn your options and how to protect yourself.

 

I'm sorry to say it but you should also get an STD screening and you should absolutely insist upon one for your wife before you get anywhere near her again. The other posters are right that waywards rarely use protection. People engaging in affairs have embraced the risk-taking and if they're going to risk their marriage and their career, it won't be so that they can hold hands. They go all-in. And if caught, they lie, deny, minimize, gaslight, and lie some more. Protect yourself because you are the only one that has your back right now.

 

I also agree with those that say to file for divorce. You need to send a clear message that what she has done is a dealbreaker. Nothing sends that message as well as the receipt of divorce papers at work. And if she wants to avoid the divorce, she has to do a complete turn-around. As the other ls have said, that involves her going NC with the OM (for life), committing to full transparency without reservation - her life is an open book, quitting her job, scheduling individual counseling, and doing a good 2-5 years (or however long it takes) of heavy lifting to try to rebuild trust. You need to be clear as day that her marriage is OVER unless she makes a complete turnaround and that you're not kidding and that you're not desperate. Filing the papers sends a clear message. She'll either "get it" or she won't. If she truly demonstrates remorse such that you think you might be able to forgive, you can always halt the proceedings. If she doesn't, then you're on the way to the divorce you need.

 

Interestingly enough, most of the betrayed spouses around here that I would say have successfully reconciled started very much this way. They helped their wayward spouses back their bags and wished them well with their affair partner. They made the consequences plainly obvious. Suddenly, the thrills and excitement of a hidden fantasy affair were replaced by huge amounts of stress, embarassment, crying children, horrified phone calls from family members, and an affair partner that drops them because this wasn't what they signed-up for. The "affair fog" is then quickly blown away. Many waywards suddenly find themselves (with their bags on the front porch) wondering what the hell they've been doing.

 

Your other choice involves enabling them to continue the affair, being "patient," looking like the fool, and your sense of self-worth takes a freaking nose dive. Worse yet, this self-deprecating strategy doesn't even work because it precludes the consequences that would spur change, and looks pathetically unattractive and weak.

 

You need to fight for your marriage. And you do that by not accepting unacceptable behaviors. You become more attractive by showing strength and calling your wife on her shlt. You show her a strong and confident man. After all, what do you have to feel unconfident about? You're not the one with shotty morals and piss poor judgment here.

 

Want to fight for your marriage? The path has been laid before you. Step off of it at your peril.

 

Mnek, please find a way to print off BetrayedH's message and post it on your refridgerator, all your cupboard doors, your bathroom mirror, all of the TV and computer screens and the ceiling above your bed. Post it in all those places so you are able to see it and read it over and over and over again until every line and every sentence sinks in.

 

 

We all know it seems counterintuitive and possibly counterproductive, but it is all absolutely true.

 

 

By not taking a strong stance and by not seeking legal counsel and filing for D, you are showing her that her behavior is acceptable and that you will tolerate it.

 

 

Here is a harsh truth - her AP is probably going to tire of her soon and their relationship will dwindle. You may think this is a blessing and a good thing.

 

 

HOWEVER...

 

 

If she does not experience a loss and does not suffer any consequences and she comes home and has a nice soft landing in your arms, there is nothing that will stop her from banging the next dude that winks at her.

 

 

She will have learned that if she gets bored or lonely or doesn't feel all warm and giddy, that all she has to do is pick out a guy out of the crowd that makes her jay-jay tingle and you will pine for her and beg and plead with her to come home and that she can have her fun and jollys at night but can still come home the next morning to warm bed and cuddles from you.

 

 

You will be her bitch. You will be her chump. You will be her fool. You will be her back up.

 

 

Eventually she will meet someone that does trip her trigger and who will have her full time and then she will leave you in the course of a matter of days or weeks and you will have wasted all this time and energy being her bitch and her fool.

 

 

It's because it is weakness and weakness is always unattractive and always a disqualifier.

 

 

As BetrayedH has said, we have seen a tiny few people actually save a marriage from infidelity. every last one of them tossed them to the curb and through their $h!^ out the door after them and filed for D and started making preparations to move on with their life.

 

 

The did not do it as a ploy or a show of force or as a manipulation. THEY DID IT FOR REAL. In a few cases the WS balked and came to their senses and did the heavy lifting to fix the problem and the BS gave them a second chance.

 

 

In many other cases the WS decided to exit stage left anyway and in other cases the WS begged to come back but the BS was done and threw in the towel.

 

 

There have been countless cases where the AP bolted, the WS came back and pleaded for another chance and BS rolled out the red carpet. In pretty much 100% of those cases, the infidelities continued, either with the same AP or with different APs and the BH just basically became a castrated cuckold.

 

 

The cases where the couple reconciled and went on to eventually have a reasonably happy and healthy marriage post-infidelity, in pretty much every case, the BH took strong actions and did not accept unacceptable behavior and the WW felt the repurcussions of her actions to her core.

 

 

weakness kills here. Only strength and actions are key to survival.

[ladydesigner]

No kids involved? In that case divorce is not at all difficult (technically) or expensive. The elephant in the room is without children than why in the hell would any couple stay married after infidelity??

 

You can say that again Drifter, I'm also in the camp if there are no kids then run!!! If I didn't have kids I would have been long gone no doubt!