What are my immediate next steps?

[turnera]

Did you expose to all her siblings? Her cousins? Her pastor? Her best friend? His wife/girlfriend/parents/friend?

 

WHY NOT?

[Jersey born raised]

How did your IC go this week-end? I want to stress her adultery does not define you. Your actual actions (not emotionally) define you. Your first thought is to strive to be s man YOU respect first and then those you respect. This is the guy you want to be. So I have several links for you and two thougts. The links

 

Basic links*

 

Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

 

What is DARVO?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

Pay attention to DARVO it will happen.

 

My thoughts are first wether you move on or not be this guy.

 

Why improve yourself *by Pixe

 

As a side note I always find it very interesting when a person is hammering their ex mate so hard for cheating and refuses to accept any responsibility for anything that might have been wrong in the marriage.

 

My husband's exwife cheated on him and left him for the OM. She was pregnant by OM before the divorce was final. When I met him he admitted he knew he'd done things in the marriage which left it vulnerable to an affair.*

 

He owned his behavior.*

 

He didn't condone her affair but he accepted responsibility for his part in the demise of their marriage. That was something I had to respect. He worked on himself, in therapy, while they were separated and divorcing. When she wouldn't go to MC, he went alone, and I have reaped the benefit from that counseling. *

 

 

Second you are allow to change you mind on a dime so prepare for reconciliation but also to be ready to drop the "mike"

 

Dropping the mike (I dud not write, posted by another)*

 

 

Do it for you. Trust me, at some point you are going to wish that you had that moment to just call her out on her cheating. I mean a simple opener like, "Since you felt guilty about the things you did with the true love of your life while we were married, I want to set you free."*

 

I am a fan of "dropping the mike". A euphemism here for saying all that needs to be said. A quick, cool, and calculated confrontation followed by a plan of action is the most devastating thing you can do. AFTER YOU HAVE HIRED THE LAWYER and followed their advice on locking down finances, etc.*

 

If you are allowed to separate the money early, get what ever keepsakes you want ready to take, get credit cards separated and no longer joint obligations so she can rack up debt, etc., do it. She will go for the credit cards to hire a lawyer and they need to be cancelled. That can happen in a day or two before you drop the bomb. Same with bank accounts, and lines of credit. Then Drop the mike.

 

Seriously, with the confrontation she is shocked at discovery, with the divorce filed she is rocked with immediate consequences, and with none of your money to use against you, she is already in the losing position. If she has her own money, fine. She just can't use yours against you. That is how the "mike is dropped"

 

Be Well.

[Mnek]

In case anyone is still interested in my situation. I am still so confused.

 

We both have been going to IC for a few weeks now. After her first appt, her therapist recommended a "30 day moritorium" where for the month of April, I ask no questions about the affair or pressure her to decide on our marriage and she will go NC with AP. So I agreed since I figured this was at least a small step in the right direction. We still live together so we have been just trying to act and talk normally again (before starting IC we got to a very uncomfortable point and basically couldn't be around each other). So that was going well and I had an international trip for work which there was an opportunity for her to come with me as a vacation. She decided to come. We hung out, talked (not about affair) and even had sex a couple times on the trip. I felt like we were starting to get somewhere.

 

So we both enjoyed the trip and we get home comfortable enough to start talking about the real issue at hand. Today she tells me she doesnt really feel like we can ever get back to the level of relationship we had before and that she didn't think she would ever not be with me until very recently. She goes on to say that in the past year (basically the time we have been married since we've only been married 1.5 years) she has been unhappy in our marriage. I know I took my focus off of her and put it onto my career but I never realized she was so unhappy that she was ready to end the relationship if things didn't change. And the cheating happend because she was basically done with us (but IMHO is too much of a coward to end it properly). She still isn't sure if she wants to get a divorce. I don't get it, why doesn't she just leave and stop wasting both of our time? It's almost like she is waiting for me to divorce her.

 

So obviously she is still going through withdrawl from her AP. AFAIK she is not talking to him outside of work (I mean who am I kidding, she probably is). But even if she is really NC with him, it still seems like she checked out of this marriage a year ago without telling me. Granted this is the first real conversation we have had since dday that involved calmly talking about the affair/issues that lead up to it so I don't know if things can change from here. But I can't help but wish my situation was like other posters I read on here where the WS is begging the BS for another chance.

Edited April 20, 2016 by Mnek
unfinished sentence

[ladydesigner]

In case anyone is still interested in my situation. I am still so confused.

 

We both have been going to IC for a few weeks now. After her first appt, her therapist recommended a "30 day moritorium" where for the month of April, I ask no questions about the affair or pressure her to decide on our marriage and she will go NC with AP. So I agreed since I figured this was at least a small step in the right direction. We still live together so we have been just trying to act and talk normally again (before starting IC we got to a very uncomfortable point and basically couldn't be around each other). So that was going well and I had an international trip for work which there was an opportunity for her to come with me as a vacation. She decided to come. We hung out, talked (not about affair) and even had sex a couple times on the trip. I felt like we were starting to get somewhere.

 

So we both enjoyed the trip and we get home comfortable enough to start talking about the real issue at hand. Today she tells me she doesnt really feel like we can ever get back to the level of relationship we had before and that she didn't think she would ever not be with me until very recently. She goes on to say that in the past year (basically the time we have been married since we've only been married 1.5 years) she has been unhappy in our marriage. I know I took my focus off of her and put it onto my career but I never realized she was so unhappy that she was ready to end the relationship if things didn't change. And the cheating happend because she was basically done with us (but IMHO is too much of a coward to end it properly). She still isn't sure if she wants to get a divorce. I don't get it, why doesn't she just leave and stop wasting both of our time? It's almost like she is waiting for me to divorce her.

 

So obviously she is still going through withdrawl from her AP. AFAIK she is not talking to him outside of work (I mean who am I kidding, she probably is). But even if she is really NC with him, it still seems like she checked out of this marriage a year ago without telling me. Granted this is the first real conversation we have had since dday that involved calmly talking about the affair/issues that lead up to it so I don't know if things can change from here. But I can't help but wish my situation was like other posters I read on here where the WS is begging the BS for another chance.

 

(((Mnek))) I bolded the truest part of your post.

 

I don't agree at all with your WW's IC. I feel that is completely unreasonable when you are dealing with the trauma head on. If your WW doesn't want to work on the M I would file for D.

 

Your WW can't get to the level of relationship you had before because SHE had an A. Which means she was detaching from you on her own terms from resentment or whatever until she found her AP. Now she is rewriting history.

 

I would 180 her and throw down some consequences.

[Ladyjane14]

Ladydesigner is right... your wife's IC is there for her, not for you. They deal with the patient in front of them.

 

You need to look out for YOU.

 

I'd say by the wishy-washy response you're getting from her, she's still pretty much in affair-mode. I'd see an attorney and file at this point. You're not somebody's fall-back plan, right? You gave her a month to pull her head out of her hindquarters, took her on a nice vacation, and she's still "not sure".

 

I'm not usually a huge "Chump Lady" fan... but you're doing "the pick me dance". And if she's got one golden nugget to offer, it's this.... NEVER do the pick me dance. You gave her a shot; she failed to take advantage of it. Game over.

 

You're a young man, fairly hard-working it sounds like. You won't be on the market long I'd bet.

 

Sorry this happened to you.

[Marc878]

In case anyone is still interested in my situation. I am still so confused.

 

We both have been going to IC for a few weeks now. After her first appt, her therapist recommended a "30 day moritorium" where for the month of April, I ask no questions about the affair or pressure her to decide on our marriage and she will go NC with AP. So I agreed since I figured this was at least a small step in the right direction. We still live together so we have been just trying to act and talk normally again (before starting IC we got to a very uncomfortable point and basically couldn't be around each other). So that was going well and I had an international trip for work which there was an opportunity for her to come with me as a vacation. She decided to come. We hung out, talked (not about affair) and even had sex a couple times on the trip. I felt like we were starting to get somewhere.

 

So we both enjoyed the trip and we get home comfortable enough to start talking about the real issue at hand. Today she tells me she doesnt really feel like we can ever get back to the level of relationship we had before and that she didn't think she would ever not be with me until very recently. She goes on to say that in the past year (basically the time we have been married since we've only been married 1.5 years) she has been unhappy in our marriage. I know I took my focus off of her and put it onto my career but I never realized she was so unhappy that she was ready to end the relationship if things didn't change. And the cheating happend because she was basically done with us (but IMHO is too much of a coward to end it properly). She still isn't sure if she wants to get a divorce. I don't get it, why doesn't she just leave and stop wasting both of our time? It's almost like she is waiting for me to divorce her.

 

Why don't you file?. You are her plan B now

 

So obviously she is still going through withdrawl from her AP. AFAIK she is not talking to him outside of work (I mean who am I kidding, she probably is). But even if she is really NC with him, it still seems like she checked out of this marriage a year ago without telling me. Granted this is the first real conversation we have had since dday that involved calmly talking about the affair/issues that lead up to it so I don't know if things can change from here. But I can't help but wish my situation was like other posters I read on here where the WS is begging the BS for another chance.

 

if they have any contact the affair is still ongoing. She's caught up in it and can't see you for him.

Edited April 21, 2016 by Marc878

[turnera]

Some people are ignorant about feelings and the 'high' of an affair and the addiction of an affair, and they assume that the feelings they have with the AP is 'real love' while the feelings they have for their spouse, since it isn't a 'high,' are so low that it must mean they don't love you any more. Like I said, ignorance. You might, as a last-ditch effort, print out some articles about "PEA chemicals" and affairs and ask her to read them.

 

Personally, though, someone who cheats a year into their marriage doesn't really MEAN it when they take that vow. So you should just walk away and find someone who DOES have morals.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed would you wife be acting so accepting and passive as you? She has no respect for you whatsoever.

If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[ShatteredLady]

This "But I can't help but wish my situation was like other posters I read on here where the WS is begging the BS for another chance." is exactly how I feel.

 

It's crazy not to talk about it for a month! That's sounds like HER therapist helping HER buy a month to decide what she wants to do & how SHE is going to tackle things. This isn't in your best interests at all.

 

I've found that the longer it's gone on without tackling things head on the more the resentment has built & the harder it's become to talk about things.

 

I'm so sorry. This is so early in marriage! I'm very bias. My H cheated 12 years ago. I honestly, truly, completely believed he could NEVER do it again. He has!! But now we have children & a life so entwined... Are you positive that this is worth fighting for? If she's not groveling she's justifying the A to herself...if she can justify it she can do it again the next time she's not feeling the elusive 'forever happy!'. You can not make another person happy for the rest of her life! Marriage, LIFE has highs & lows.

[Arieswoman]

Mnek,

Firstly let me say how sorry I am that you are going through this.

 

You sound like a very nice chap, but I suspect you are "too nice for your own good" if you get that?

 

I understand that you are confused, so let's see if I can help make things clearer.

 

In your post #111

 

She goes on to say that in the past year (basically the time we have been married since we've only been married 1.5 years) she has been unhappy in our marriage.

 

So what stopped her telling you how she felt?

 

but I never realized she was so unhappy that she was ready to end the relationship if things didn't change.

 

How could you know if she didn't tell you?

 

And the cheating happend because she was basically done with us

 

If she was "done" why not tell you and go?

 

She still isn't sure if she wants to get a divorce.

 

You bet your sweet life she isn't. Why should she when she can have her cake and eat it with your permission?*

 

But even if she is really NC with him, it still seems like she checked out of this marriage a year ago without telling me.

 

So just what, exactly do you have to build on??

 

I don't get it, why doesn't she just leave and stop wasting both of our time?

 

See * above.

 

And if you are still confused ;

 

Why Can't My Cheater Choose? ~ Infidelity Help Group

 

Good luck

[aliveagain]

Your still playing her game. By allowing her to be indecisive, marriage or new guy, your in essence giving her the approval to continue her affair. She won't stop until you make her stop, commit to you and the marriage or get the fu*k out. Why do you give her the power to decide the fate of your marriage, she's already decided that, she got herself a boyfriend. If exposing her affair to her family wasn't enough to make her stop why would you expect her to accept your inaction as anything but your approval to continue her affair? She see's the guy at work every day, that's why we always tell you that they can't work together, she has to quit her job.

 

You can end the infidelity anytime you want, your just choosing to accept whatever scraps she offers you to stay as her backup until o/m makes his choice. Take back your dignity that she trashed and do what is best for you. Being married to a woman that has a boyfriend is the worst thing for you. Talk to a lawyer and end this stalemate, you have a long life ahead of you so why not live it as a happy man.

[Mnek]

Well it seems like her AP is no longer interested in a relationship with her (single guy probably doesn't want to deal with all her baggage). I found she texted him outside of work and he doesn't respond or if he does he is very short with her.

 

This is obviously making her miss him more. It's disgusting and I'm sick of it. I told her I'm done and I need to focus on myself instead of spending all my time worrying about her indecision. If she is ready to do everything necessary I will consider giving it a chance but she is nowhere near realizing that she needs to take responsibility for her actions, quit her job, etc.

 

I don't know why I want to be with someone who treats me like this. I realize I am too nice, I have always been weak with her. I'm going to refocus my IC on me (previously I just talked about her the whole time). My performance at work has been affected and I need to fix that. I think I'll get a gym membership and I'm going to hang out with friends for my birthday tonight. Thanks for the continued support here.

[GorillaTheater]

Depending on your time zone, it's not too late today to make an appointment with a divorce lawyer.

[kidm]

This is unfortunate but I think OP will stay in the marriage and take on his new role as a cuckold. Sad.

 

OP, even if the other man decides it's too much drama (which I doubt since he's getting free/easy sex), your wife will go looking for someone else to fill that void. She has faced no real consequences for her actions. All you've done is made her realize you're willing to accept mediocre/deplorable treatment.

[Marc878]

Read up. Nice Guys finish last in this senario.

 

http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LEVxaqlxpXNmIAPhzBGOd_;_ylu=X3oDMTByOHZyb21tBGNvbG8DYmYxBHBvcwMxBHZ0aWQDBHNlYwNzcg--/RV=2/RE=1461389354/RO=10/RU=https%3a%2f%2f7chan.org%2flit%2fsrc%2fRobert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=eXxPCrOoovcAnm4ERofKkcR0VHg-

[oldshirt]

Well it seems like her AP is no longer interested in a relationship with her (single guy probably doesn't want to deal with all her baggage). I found she texted him outside of work and he doesn't respond or if he does he is very short with her.

 

This is obviously making her miss him more. It's disgusting and I'm sick of it. I told her I'm done and I need to focus on myself instead of spending all my time worrying about her indecision. If she is ready to do everything necessary I will consider giving it a chance but she is nowhere near realizing that she needs to take responsibility for her actions, quit her job, etc.

 

I don't know why I want to be with someone who treats me like this. I realize I am too nice, I have always been weak with her. I'm going to refocus my IC on me (previously I just talked about her the whole time). My performance at work has been affected and I need to fix that. I think I'll get a gym membership and I'm going to hang out with friends for my birthday tonight. Thanks for the continued support here.

 

You proved my point. An affair needs a primary relationship and an accomidating spouse to survive. Take those away, the affair crumbles.

 

Keep focusing on yourself and moving forward without her. You will come out stronger and with your pride and dignity intact will be in a better position to carry on with your life.

[turnera]

Well, happy birthday, and I hope your friends get you laid tonight so you remember what it's like to be desired, so you can ditch this loser.

[ShatteredLady]

When I first came to this forum I had no idea that my H was having an affair. I had asked if there was another woman (I've NEVER done that before so obviously my instincts were telling me something) his denial was so strong, so complete, I foolishly believed him!

 

He continued to completely mess with my head from New Years Day until Mothers Day. Having been 'on trial' believing it was all my fault I was loosing my family for all those months completely messed my head up. I was walking on egg shells. If I did the 'right' thing I could keep my family. One false move & I lost everything!

 

Of course, I never knew what the 'right' thing was. He refused to tell me.

 

By the time I discovered his A I was so lost & broken I reacted with such pathetic weakness I'm still embarrassed! Members here were giving me the same advise as they're giving you. I ignored it!! I didn't want to be divorced after 26 years!! I wanted to fix my family for myself & my little children.

 

He lied again & again. I started to snoop. I found all kinds of emails between them. It was sickening. His behavior went from bad to worse. Finally I had enough, I flipped!! I told him to go to her. It was over...

 

Suddenly everything changed!! He couldn't live without me. He was going to kill himself (ultimate threat! My brother took his life & my H knows how utterly devastating that's been for everyone I love). He hasn't had any contact with her since the no contact message he sent that night!

 

If I'd followed advise here not only could I of saved myself months of insanity, I could have some self-esteem left at this point!

 

My H optimistically said to me a few days later, "This proves how strong we are! You saved our M. If we can get through this we can get through anything!".

 

NO!! I think our chances of reconciling would be far better if I hadn't humiliated myself playing the 'pick me' game. It allowed him to treat me like poop for month after excruitiating month. To be honest he thinks things are ok, back to normal. I'm contemplating divorce & crying everyday! It's NOT the A I can't forgive, it's the lies & cruelty, the utter contempt he showed me.

[aliveagain]

Single guy never wanted her just her vagina, sorry for being so blunt but that is the reality she is now trying to avoid having to face. She will have to accept that she was used and just a piece on the side for some POS that had little to no respect for her or her marriage. It is very common that once the affair is discovered they run because they don't want a relationship, it was only about the cheap sex. Single guy didn't have to spend a lot of money on her to get what he wanted, your the one paying for her. Now that she is available he looses his interest, your right, she comes with a ton of baggage. He knows that if she will cheat on you she will probably cheat on him. Be ready for her to do a complete turn around, your her back up plan.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi Mnek,

 

You do need to work on yourself first and foremost. For example you next to last post started: "if any one is still interested" is indicative of a very passive aggressive response. It would seem you are trying to guilt trip people into responding. Work with an IC to see if you have this trait and if so change.

 

Going forward be prepared. Remember the 6 basic rules of "P". Proper Planning Prevents Piss Poor Prerformce. You need to know where you are at, your WW is at, how you got there, what you want as a result, why you want the outcome to be, and several possible choices to get there.

 

On the top of the Infidelity page there are two perment posts by AbeNormal. Have you read them? One is the 180 and the other for what a WS needs to know. The "what your WS needs to know" will actually provide you a great deal of insight into your self. Here are the links:

 

Mr Lucky is half right. The real issue for you is getting out of infidelity. Getting out of a three person marriage. That can be by reconciliation or divorce. The choice should be yours

 

What the pro D team is telling you is also correct but only half right. Again he issue isn't R or D but how to get out of infidelity. They are quite right that wishing and hoping and begging and tears won't do it. Nor will dancing the Pick Me dance help. Nor will bring Mr Nice Guy. Those choices only let her sit on he fence more comfortably.

 

Give her your list of nonnegotiable points she must agree to if she wants to try to save the marriage. Her reaction will tell you all you need to know. You are looking for acts of remorse (ie her doing what you require of her) and. It words of remorse or tears from her. Words are cheap and you know she's capable

Of lying.

 

If she says no or asks for the infamous space and time implement the 180 on her so you can detach. You'll have to learn to live your life without her if she isn't a suitable candidate for R.

 

Think about a lawyer consultation so you have a real idea rather than speculation what a D would look like for you. You need not file simply because you have seen a lawyer. Don't tell her, either. Why give her a free legal

Education?

[Jersey born raised]

Hey, have a happy birthday! Kinda hard at this point I know but spend it with family and friends.

[Mnek]

Over the past month since my last post she has not seen him outside of work but she continues to text him weekly and they see each other at work. He continues to deny her and usually doesn't answer her texts. They cannot have much interaction at work since no one there knows and they definitely don't want anyone to get suspicious. He seems to be very very concerned with anyone at work finding out so again it appears he is done with this and she is practically begging him for another chance (to which he doesn't respond). She says she regrets going on the trip with me because that gave him the opportunity to slip away and now she really misses him.

 

She feels like both AP and I have broken her heart and she doesn't know what to do.

 

So meanwhile, she wants to live separately for 3 months in which we will try to date again. She is moving out today into her own apartment a few blocks away. We have agreed to take divorce off the table and not see or sleep with other people during this time. We have agreed the goal of this is to see if there is something to salvage, not to find a replacement.

 

So I really don't know what to do. I don't know which version of her to believe.

I don't talk to her at all during the work day but we are going out to dinner on Friday night (she asked me).

She obviously is still in an affair/withdrawal from AP but I am afraid to abandon her and this plan to date again since that is what she feels like I did wrong (I did not put any effort into R, did not celebrate wedding anniv, etc. after we got married). I guess 180/LRT is the only thing to do but its very counter intuitive especially in my situation because abandoning her is just more of the same behavior for me.

 

P.S. I have met with a divorce lawyer and there is no benefit to filing right now. We don't own anything so she will just get half of our cash and my retirement. Now that we are living separate, she would even be entitled to spousal support which I don't want to pay. Luckily she is not educated on any of this. There is also no legal separation in my state.

[ladydesigner]

IF she were working to save the marriage she wouldn't still be working with him - and she certainly wouldn't be moving out.

 

Looks like she's got you suckered into believing a heap of her lies.

 

Start taking care of yourself. She's taking you for a ride...mainly because you allow it.

 

I don't see any reason to take her out - until she quits the job and has absolutely NO contact with her OM for months!

 

Are you in counseling? You need help to find your back bone.

 

 

Who's funding her new place?

 

Agree

 

 

but I am afraid to abandon her and this plan to date again since that is what she feels like I did wrong (I did not put any effort into R, did not celebrate wedding anniv, etc. after we got married). I guess 180/LRT is the only thing to do but its very counter intuitive especially in my situation because abandoning her is just more of the same behavior for me.

 

Mnek your WW still works and keeps in contact with the OM. Regardless of whether OM wants her or not she seems to still want him and that is still an EA to me. She never went NC and feels you did R wrong (you weren't ever in R with her still contacting the OM). You haven't done anything wrong Mnek. She has and continues to.

 

I honestly think you should use the separation to help you detach. Once you detach you won't be able to tolerate her fence-sitting and blameshifting.

 

I think you are in the bargaining stage. It's normal and I know you want things to work out, but they can't until NC has been firmly established with the OM.

[Lady Hamilton]

I did the whole "I'm going to move out so we can see if dating will fix us" thing.

 

In reality, it was easier than ending the marriage outright and it made it easier to have the affair.

[Marc878]

Over the past month since my last post she has not seen him outside of work but she continues to text him weekly and they see each other at work. He continues to deny her and usually doesn't answer her texts. They cannot have much interaction at work since no one there knows and they definitely don't want anyone to get suspicious. He seems to be very very concerned with anyone at work finding out so again it appears he is done with this and she is practically begging him for another chance (to which he doesn't respond). She says she regrets going on the trip with me because that gave him the opportunity to slip away and now she really misses him.

 

She feels like both AP and I have broken her heart and she doesn't know what to do.

 

So meanwhile, she wants to live separately for 3 months in which we will try to date again. She is moving out today into her own apartment a few blocks away. We have agreed to take divorce off the table and not see or sleep with other people during this time. We have agreed the goal of this is to see if there is something to salvage, not to find a replacement.

 

So I really don't know what to do. I don't know which version of her to believe.

I don't talk to her at all during the work day but we are going out to dinner on Friday night (she asked me).

She obviously is still in an affair/withdrawal from AP but I am afraid to abandon her and this plan to date again since that is what she feels like I did wrong (I did not put any effort into R, did not celebrate wedding anniv, etc. after we got married). I guess 180/LRT is the only thing to do but its very counter intuitive especially in my situation because abandoning her is just more of the same behavior for me.

 

P.S. I have met with a divorce lawyer and there is no benefit to filing right now. We don't own anything so she will just get half of our cash and my retirement. Now that we are living separate, she would even be entitled to spousal support which I don't want to pay. Luckily she is not educated on any of this. There is also no legal separation in my state.

 

she is moving out to make it easier for her to be with AP. Your biggest problem is fear. You're affraid you might push her away? She's already gone. Do full exposure if you want to try and salvage this. Being weak and timid has gotten you where you are. Get strong and take control of your life. Women want strong men not doormats. Oh she'll feed you some breadcrumbs but that's about it. You are plan B and fading.