Will I ever ovcome this problem?

[unnamed]

Yeah, same old problem. I'm still struggling with my girlfriend sexual history.

 

What the heck am I to do?

 

Break up with her: She won't let me go, and I don't want to let her go.

 

I'm always down/depressed about the entire issue. There is always something which reminds me of the past, a figure, a face, particular discourse relating to the "acts" of the past, whatever.

 

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of feeling the way I do all the time. I'm tired of being down all the time. I'm tired of feeling this way.

 

I think its just getting worse... first came the suicidial thoughts, which are a rare occurance now, then homicidal fantasies, which passed, then came not eating and starving myself (no interest in food whatsoever, I forced myself to eat), which still hasn't passed, my girlfriend freaking out every so often because of this.

 

I literally just cannot handle her past. It's a small past, and I wish I could consider her past just the past. It should have no relevance today, but it does. Well, maybe not, but it is present and it is destroying me.

 

And no, I do not have double standards. I came into the present relationship "untouched", that is, a virgin, and I had done nothing further than kissing with other women.

 

I just cannot leave her. I love her very much, and I would be even more devastated if I leave her.

 

What can I do? Its been 11 months now.

 

Thanks in advance, although this is probably the fifth time I've posted for help...

[Katie]

I would seriously recommend you to seek help with a counselor or certified therapist, if you do love this woman you need to overcome this for the sake of both of you. Try to understand that her past was the past maybe is hard for you because you were a virgin but it's something you can't go back and change. I don't ask my boyfriend about his sexual past and i'm too enter this relationship a virgin. Do you feel your relationship meets your standards? if it's yes then forget about this. promise yourself you won't touch that subject. Tell your girlfriend that you love her and that both of you will stop talking or thinking about the past. If after trying this you feel you can't handle it, the problem might be in you and therefore try to talk to a therapist. you'll see that no one is perfect and we make mistakes. you can either work this out by seeking help, cope with it , or end the relationship. Good Luck!

[Laurynn]

Unnamed,

 

I'm sorry that you're still struggling with this, but like I told you before, you seriously do need professional help to get over this. I'm not implying that you're crazy or anything, honestly.....but your obsession with this, is extremely unhealthy. The past suicidal and homicidal feelings, lack of appetite......you need help.

 

You've mentioned in the past that you're a born again Christian. What about speaking with your pastor? Or if you don't feel comfortable speaking to the pastor of your own church, go to a different church, they won't mind. Trust me, I've done it myself in the past.

 

If that doesn't sit well with you, you should ask your family doc for a referral to a psychiatrist or psychologist. You've got some really deep seated issues here......and 11 months is a long time to still be dealing with them.

 

It's almost like you're possessed with her past. You're completely fixated with it, either consciously or subconsciously. This is only going to ruin your relationship...build huge walls between you two, cause resentment of your g/f......plus you don't 'have a grip'...

 

Please, go talk to someone. It doesn't mean you're weak, it just means that you need new strategies for dealing with this all. It might mean also, that you need someone to help you figure out the root of this obsession. I suspect there's more to it than appears obvious to you.

 

I'm sure you're not the only one who's been in this situation, so don't feel like you're strange. Go, talk to someone.

 

L

[unnamed]

She was a virgin, also, when she met me. So its nothing about sex, but basically "fooling around."

promise yourself you won't touch that subject. Tell your girlfriend that you love her and that both of you will stop talking or thinking about the past.

I have tried this. I tried to ignore it, and sometimes it worked, but in the end, it always got the best of me.

you'll see that no one is perfect and we make mistakes.

I understand that. In fact, the problem is not that she wasn't "untouched" when she met me, its trying to deal with the images of her with other men. It sickens me beyond disgust. And I get mad at times -- I'd strike out in anger but I have decent tolerance and do not strike out at things usually -- thinking about it.

 

I really do not want to talk to a professional about this, and to answer Laurynn's question, no, I haven't visited a pastor. I actually do not attend Church anymore.

 

And, maybe this is weird or something, but the only thing (usually) that brings me "up" or retrieves me from my down state, is her doing the things to me that she did to other guys. I don't know.

 

Guess I'm just royally screwed in the head.

[Miss Mojo]

.....it's been 11 months now? honestly, i find it hard to see how things will get better. i was in a situation once like this myself. it was as though the more time you spend together and the more you love the person, the harder it is to deal with. but i bet you're the only person thinking of these guys - not her.

 

i know you don't want to hurt her, but you will hurt her over time if you don't get over this, which i don't think you will.

 

i think when you have a few more years under your belt and a bit more experience, you might be able to cope with things like this. you're not coping with things the way you SHOULD be able to cope.

 

this has developed into one extremely unhealthy situation. you are basically banging your head against a brick wall here, because the more time goes on, the more obsessed you become with her past. your mental health has plummeted in a big way, and whilst you're aware of that, you need to do something constructive about it.

 

you would be doing the both of you a favour if you put a stop to this relationship. to continue with these feelings will only make the relationship worse, and i can guarantee that it will cause a lot of resentment and a lot more pain, than if you left her.

 

trust me....i've been there myself, and so have others.

 

good luck to you

[fishbulb]

Yeah, same old problem. I'm still struggling

with my girlfriend sexual history. What the heck am I to do? Break up with her: She won't let me go, and I don't want to let her go. I'm always down/depressed about the entire issue. There is always something which reminds me of the past, a figure, a face, particular discourse relating to the "acts" of the past, whatever. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of feeling the way I do all the time. I'm tired of being down all the time. I'm tired of feeling this way. I think its just getting worse... first came the suicidial thoughts, which are a rare occurance now, then homicidal fantasies, which passed, then came not eating and starving myself (no interest in food whatsoever, I forced myself to eat), which still hasn't passed, my girlfriend freaking out every so often because of this. I literally just cannot handle her past. It's a small past, and I wish I could consider her past just the past. It should have no relevance today, but it does. Well, maybe not, but it is present and it is destroying me. And no, I do not have double standards. I came into the present relationship "untouched", that is, a virgin, and I had done nothing further than kissing with other women. I just cannot leave her. I love her very much, and I would be even more devastated if I leave her. What can I do? Its been 11 months now. Thanks in advance, although this is probably the fifth time I've posted for help... Fishbulb here... How genuinely noble of you to be so tolerant of someones' past that you had ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL OVER. Tell me, Jesus, when are you coming to my town? I have so many unanswered questions..."I'm so pure and she isn't, oh, what will Mother think?..." If you had ANY sense at ALL, you'd be putting that experience to work for your personal 'education', but then, you'd have to actually acknowledge that it makes you feel naughty being with a woman of 'questionable virtue'. Or maybe you're really gay.