I need some direction!

[torninpieces16]

Hello everyone,

 

I am new here so please forgive me for any forum blunders. I am a 36 year old woman, married 9 years with two children, age 5 and 3. My husband has had massive depression issues that I didn't discover until after we were married. He is on a cyclical cycle: Three months he is good and then he wants to kill himself for three. Literally kill himself. Talks about openly, makes plans nonchalantly, the works. We have been to marriage counseling, and while it helped a little, nothing changed until he decided to go on medication a year and a half ago. He is now much more stable mentally and is beginning to form a better relationship with our kids. Before he was completely hands off and spent most evenings playing candy crush or surfing car websites. While he is more stable, he suffers from low self-esteem and what he describes as body dysmorphia. It has completely affected our intimate life. Sex makes him uncomfortable and he very rarely finishes. He has told me that sex embarrasses him and makes him feel dirty, a new development in the last seven months. Some of it is due to the medication but honestly, I would rather have this side effect than have him suicidal. At the height of his instability I wanted to get divorced because I was completely miserable. But he made it known that he would most likely kill himself if I left. So I stayed.

 

Last May, he expressed a desire to start his own business, mostly because working in a corporate environment gave him massive anxiety and he just didn't feel he could work for anyone else any more. I was supportive and agreed after he told me that he had secured enough clients to bring in what he was currently making. He quit his 9-5 and lo and behold he hadn't had anyone sign contracts. He only had two signed clients, one of which is my own business. For the last year I have completely supported the family including daycare for both children as well as paid him a monthly fee for his company's services. It is a huge strain on me. My job is excessively demanding. I start working at 730 in the morning, stop long enough to be Mommy and continue working after the kids are asleep. I am also the only one picking up the kids, dropping off the kids, bathing the kids, etc. My husband at one time was cooking dinner regularly however once quit his job, he has mostly stopped that as well leaving me to either cook or pick up dinner daily. I finally broke down a few months ago and told him I was cracking under the pressure. Instead of understanding where I was coming from, he accused me of lying to him about being supportive of his business. He said a hurtful things (as did I), when I asked him for more help with the children, he said "if they want Mommy, they should get Mommy" and followed that by saying he refuses to pick them up from school because he's afraid I would never come home from work. I would like to interject here that while I work insane hours, I have ALWAYS come home in time to tuck them in at the very least unless it was 100% unavoidable. This situation happens maybe one every 90 days or so. Also, with me picking them up every day, clearly I come home. Lastly, he isn't bringing in sufficient income to support our bills. He has told me multiple times when I have complained about the stress of my job to just quit. I asked him then, what are we going to do about the bills and he said that he we would have to pull the kids out of daycare and see them home, we would have to sell everything...clearly as a mother, I cannot pull my children out of an environment where they are thriving if I can avoid it. I told him that wasn't an option. He then said the most hurtful accusation: That sometimes it seems like I don't even want to be a mother. Do I get frustrated, absolutely. Do I raise my voice to my kids and get exasperated when the toddler tries to climb the bookshelf, sure. I tried to explain to him that wrangling a small person with their own personality is no easy feat and can be frustrating but since he has never done it, he didn't really get it. when I say never done it, we have two children and has dropped them off at school three times in five years and has never bathed them, fed them or gotten them ready for school. I told him at that time that I was pretty sure I wanted a divorce. His response was to tell me that he would disappear and never see the kids again because he would have to hate me. I told him it didn't have to be dramatic, that we could divorce amicably. I wouldn't even ask for child support. But he was adamant that to protect himself emotionally, he would have to discontinue all contact with the kids and myself. As a last ditch effort, we went to a marriage counselor yet again where he repeated his intention to disappear should I file. Privately, the counselor told me that she was aghast that he would say that. She followed that up by telling me that while she always recommends the marriages try to be salvaged that I should go ahead and file. She also offered to testify on my behalf.

Despite all of that, I did not file. We talked more in the next days and I found myself apologizing to him for making him feel bad and for threatening divorce. I did it because I did not want my children (two boys) to have no father in their life. I know now it was a mistake. It was at this time that I stopped viewing my husband as my husband. I began to regard him almost as a roommate. I felt no desire for him nor did I feel the love I used to. I offered him a way out, offered him to date other people and see if maybe I was the problem with his sexual issues. He said that no one would ever flirt with him and he was too ugly to get another woman. I forced myself to imagine him sleeping with another woman in the hopes that I would feel jealous...feel anything really, but I didn't. Still don't actually.

It is around that time that a man I used to know came back into my life. I was deeply in love with him in high school but my family moved out of state so we were never able to be together. Over 20 years has passed. We began talking daily, starting out innocently enough but it soon turned into something else. Neither of us are free. He is getting married this year and I am still married. He confided that he had always loved me and had been looking for me for several years. He told me that after all our conversations, he felt as though no time had passed and knew he was in love with me still. We discussed our situation at length and I made it clear I would never cheat on my husband just as he made it clear he could not leave his fiancé so cruelly. We resigned ourselves to a long distance love that could be nothing else. And then...and then I bought a plane ticket. I knew it was wrong, oh I knew and I feel like the lowest scum on earth. Simultaneously, I can't describe how good it felt to be loved, appreciated, cherished and caressed. To have someone stare into my eyes and tell me how deeply and sincerely the loved me and my soul.

I came home, intent on never seeing my lover again and concentrating on my marriage. But we still talked daily. And I saw my lover again. To be clear, he has never once offered to leave his fiancé or promised me something he can't deliver. He has said that what he wants and what he can do are two completely different things and I respect his honesty. We both know where we stand.

In the next weeks, my husband begrudgingly informed me that he would start looking for a job. He let me know that he was only doing it to make me happy, not because he wanted to or wanted to share the work load. He would schedule an interview and then cancel it, telling me that he just didn't "feel it in his soul". I would leave in the morning to drop off the kids and he would be in one position on the couch. I would come home and he would still be in the same position on the couch. This led to me asking if he could at least drop the kids off in the morning once a week (just once a week mind you) because I was exhausted and he asked why my sleep was more important than his sleep. Because YOU can come home and take a nap I wanted to scream. But I bit down on my tongue and my resentment grew. The more I resented him, the more I could do nothing but envision a life without him, one of blissful peace where I could raise my children in a house of laughter instead of sadness and silence. did not picture another man and have actually decided never to get married again. But I had to consider the kids. Should I make a move that would trigger their father to disappear just because of my own unhappiness? How long am I supposed to be unhappy? I began to picture staying with him until they turned 18 and then finally FINALLY leaving. It broke my damn heart. I decided to try and make peace with my husband. I told him to leave off looking for a job because if he was going to do it, it should be because his wife (who doesn't cry) is bawling before him telling him that the strain of supporting the family was too much not because he feels that he HAS to because I'm making him. It wasn't too long after that that my husband came home with a new car. I should preface this by saying he already has a new truck with an $800/mo payment. He felt that people would take his business more seriously if he had car, so he took it upon himself to finance a brand new 2016 sedan without telling me. He was forced to tell me when he had to ask me for $4,000 for the downpayment. I could have said no, but he would have found another way and made my life a living hell. So here I am: paying my husband's company ($1,630), the mortgage ($1900), the daycare ($2035), three car payments, health insurance ($1300)...the list goes on and on. Should I mention that his mother lives with us and pays no bills? Just thought I would throw that out there as well. The car was the final straw. I realized that he will never get it. I told him I was fracturing inside under the pressure working so hard, taking care of the bills and the kids but his response was to buy a car on top of his truck and my SUV. Any intimacy between us was and is faked on my behalf. I came back again and again to the idea of divorce but the idea of him killing himself or cutting our children out of his life stopped me every time.

Two months later (this last week) he starts again with the disparaging remarks about his body, feeling mediocre, feeling like a failure. I try to make him feel better but he continues to spiral. One of his old work friends unfriend him on Facebook and he gets depressed for three straight days. Facebook. We are not 12. By now, I am traveling frequently out of state for work, am more exhausted than ever and can barely think straight. I write him an email. I ask him what I can do, what we can do as a family to help him love himself. This leads to a very long conversation late last week where he tells me many things giving me an insight to his way of thinking. I feel horrible as he tells me that he can't stand to look at himself in the mirror, that he hates his body, etc. I sympathize and tell him over and over that he is a handsome man with an outstanding personality. But I also hold to my guns and tell him that this is my tipping point and that I truly am ready to get divorced. I was very honest that I am having a hard time balancing his needs with my own needs and wants. I let him know that intimacy and romance is something that is important to me, feeling wanted is important to me. I have so much control at work and over my employees that I cannot also continue to be the man at home. I needed him to take control, be more dominant. His response is to offer an open marriage which I think we all know he could not actually handle emotionally. I narrowed my eyes, clenched my jaw and told him that I was calling his bluff. I headed up stairs for bed. He trailed after me and that night, he broke down and cried, saying that he is going to try and view himself better. The next day he sends me a lovely text about wanting to do better and thanks me for saving him. He has been bending over backwards to try and make me happy for the last week. I told him repeatedly that even if he and I don't last, learning to love himself is something he should do FOR HIMSELF and he agreed. The last week has been one of quiet discovery for him. He seems lighter, happier and confided that he is trying to find one positive thing about himself daily. I am so happy of him. No one should feel that way about themselves.

There is one problem: I still want a divorce. For me...I no longer love him as I used to. I used to be desperately in love with him, long for him, desire him...now, I think of him as a very good friend. I am no longer attracted to him and I still, even now, don't want to stay married to him. I feel like the world's biggest *******, not only for cheating on my husband (which would destroy what little self-esteem he has gathered) but also because he is genuinely TRYING. To leave him now would be a slap in the face and set him back. He has come a long way in the last year. He is no longer in the cyclical cycle of extra highs and devastating lows. To tell him I still want a divorce would say "it doesn't matter that you're trying to get better, it's still not good enough". I'm not proud of my actions. I took vows and I take them seriously. I made a mistake and I cheated. I accept the consequences of my actions and I am prepared to pay for them. In fact I want to tell him, to be 100% transparent but I just don't want him to lose what little ground he has gained by destroying his fragile self-esteem. If it would only lead to yelling and screaming and divorce, I would have told him ages ago. But the repercussions are much more far reaching and devastating to him. I believe in "for better or for worse" and I have definitely supported him through the worse. I am no saint, I am not blameless and I'm sure he has a a laundry list of issues and complaints about me which I mostly likely deserve. It doesn't change the fact that I am still significantly unhappy and the love on my end has gone. So now, every kind gesture, every time he smiles at me, or goes out of his way to touch my hand, I sink lower and lower into indecision and guilt. I don't know what I should do. I don't know if my happiness is enough reason to implode a marriage and a family. What right do I have to put my happiness over his or my children's? At the same time, the idea of another 40 years of this dance, this do-si-do is unpalatable. There is my whole sordid tale. Has anyone else attempted to divorce someone mentally and emotionally unstable? Am I being selfish? Do I need to suck it up or is it time to take my chances and finally break free? Any advise would be greatly appreciated however before you stone me for my affair, just know I was and am in love with that man. I never would have done it otherwise, nor have I slept with or even looked at anyone else over the course of my marriage. Call me what you will if you must, but please someone steer me in the right direction. Thank you all for listening.

Edited March 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Babs22]

This is a little difficult to read due to the long paragraphs. I kind of get the gist. Your husband does suffer from some significant mental illness. I am sorry that you have been dealing with this for so long. I know it is not easy. My son has severe depression, anxiety, bipolar and insomnia and is only 18. His girlfriend broke up with him because it was so difficult to handle, especially at just 17. I don't blame her. I often wonder who could possibly have a long term relationship with my son? He sees a psychiatrist weekly and is on medications and still suffers. I don't think we have the right mix yet. I hope that your husband is under the care of a psychiatrist.

 

I don't know what advice to give you about your plight. You obviously have hung in there for a long time, but now find yourself wanting to leave. You also have had an affair and have found out what it is like to feel loved. Is the affair still going on? I am in an affair, and it can make you mentally detach from your H. I know, I have done that myself. I do not think you should tell your H about your affair. I don't think telling him will help him at all and it may make him spiral out of control and lose what ground he has made.

 

I don't think anyone would blame you for wanting a divorce in your case. I do think it is unfortunate that it is happening when your H seems to be making progress. Taking care of my son and being his support system is exhausting. As a mom, I know I will always be there for him, but for a significant other to have to sacrifice their happiness, I don't know. If you are still in the affair, even by contacting him daily, your feelings for your H will continue to deteriorate. If the affair is over, and you are still feeling nothing for your H, you should plan to divorce maybe when he is as stable as you feel he can be.

 

I am sorry you are going through this. I am not judging you for being in your A, I have done the same and my marriage wasn't nearly as bad as you describe yours to be. But being in an affair will take any love you had for your H and direct it someplace else. It is the nature of the affair.

 

I do think you could use some individual counseling. You have a lot to process between having a husband with some pretty significant mental health issues, kids, a stressful job, and an affair. It's a wonder you are functioning at all. Take care of you and get a counselor. They can help you through all of these issues.

[HopeForTomorrow]

torninpieces,

 

The first thing you need to understand is that your husband has mental illnesses that are NOT your responsibility. You have shouldered the burden of them for a great many years while raising your small children and keeping the family afloat both literally and financially. That is not a marriage - he clearly has not been a husband or father when you and the children needed him to be. That is NOT. ON. YOU.

 

You can only do what you can do, and you have already done way more than most people ever could. I'm not even going to address your affair here. Let's just focus on the real issue, which is your marriage and day-to-day life.

 

You can't fix him. It is not your responsibility to do so. You don't want to be in this marriage, and I don't blame you. You should not feel guilty because he might "kill himself" (not your responsibility) or because he would "leave the kids forever" (not your responsibility). Those kind of manipulations are just that - manipulations. If your husband truly wants to kill himself, you won't be able to stop him. That is him, not you.

 

So, if you want out of the marriage, stop worrying about him and his mental issues. Your kids will be fine. Better, probably. My only concern for you is financial, such that you might end up paying him spousal support if he has been out of work for a long time (and making those same indentations on the sofa all day) and you have been paying all the bills. Life is NOT fair that way, but the way the courts see it (in the US, anyway) is that if you are the one who is supporting everyone, then he is "entitled" to that lifestyle (gag me) after divorce.

 

There's not much you can do about that, unless he gets a job soon and works for awhile before your divorce. If not, then I would just suck it up and get it done as soon as possible so the possibility of alimony to him is less. And take the offer of those who will testify for you.

 

As for your husband's being "lighter" this last week and "discovering one good thing about himself every day" - that's fine, but he needs to translate that into being a functional member of your family. He's got a ways to go for that to happen.

 

I wish you the best.

[loveboid]

Your husband is a nutcase and an abuser. The two are not mutually exclusive.

 

He guilt trips you into staying in the marriage by threatening to commit suicide if you leave. Btw, I read somewhere credible in domestic abuse articles that a threat to commit suicide upon the partner leaving is a threat to kill that partner and then themselves because that's usually what happens. These aren't suicidal people...they're angry, entitled people and don't want to just end their misery like a simply suicidal person. They want to intimidate you into staying and if they can't have that then they want to take everything away from you.

 

Also he uses your mothering role that you value to make digs at you and get you riled up and mostly to distract your focus from his behavior into defending your own instead.

 

This is a very bad character and the one thing you have to understand is he is deliberately, consciously, willfully wasting your time. All of this drama and head games are for keeping you unfocused to keep you there so that he can suck you dry. He's using you.

 

I hope you divorce him today.

[66Charger]

I dont know what i despise more, a cheater or a weak ass whining man.

Assuming the facts, in this one, I have to side with the cheater.

You should stop the affair completely. He is getting married, and because of that, he is no better than your husband. Think about that.

 

You need to divorce this pathetic excuse of an embarrassment to the male gender. That may seem harsh, but cmon now, who does that stuff he is doing.

Find your love another day with a person who will not stray on his fiancee. I hear your excuse and I buy it. Whats his? And a new marriage? Thats a weak man too.

 

Choose none of the above.

 

Choose yourself.

Edited March 18, 2016 by 66Charger