Seperated Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 So my wife and I seperated after 4 years of marriage. She has always been the love of my life. Our major issues were I had untreated depression my entire life but didn't know this until recently. She left about a year and a half ago after asking me to get help a few times. I wasn't in a position to help myself then. We saw each other for about the first 8 months. After that she kinda disappeared saying she was too busy. I know part of it was that she was hurting because I wasn't really attempting to get better or make a serious commitment to fixing things, although I love her deeply. A few more months went by and we didn't see each other. She actually said she moved on. I also went through a real trying time. I moved twice, my son and I both had health problems. I got myself better, exercising, dieting, and now am in counceling and on the right meds. I am healthier than I have been my entire life. About two months ago I dated someone else. My wife and I both backed off of the relationship I think mostly due to being hurt and sad, not because we didn't love each other. Like I said , I dated someone. I was intimate. It was right after that I realized I still loved my wife deeply. I am filled with regret. I poured my heart out to her, told her everything . I told the girl I was seeing that I am still in love with my wife and ended it immediately. This has been going on for four weeks. I have expressed to my wife how I have changed, and will stay on a healthy path In life enabling me to be the best husband and dad I can be.. I could've been a lot better to her and her son. But that is really everything I want to do. She also dated. She said she only kissed, and that it's different. I do agree it's different, and I know she is very hurt and right now with all the heart pouring out she doesn't want much to do with me right now. I'm scared I am going to lose her forever. I have never loved anyone like her. I regret everything that's happened but I know now I am ready for a much healthier life with her... What do I do???? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seperated Posted March 17, 2016 Author Share Posted March 17, 2016 Let me also add that I know my wife has loved me very deeply . More than anyone else ever. Her saying she moved on was not true. We saw each other about a month and a half ago at a wake and a couple days later she wanted to see me on the weekend, but I wasn't there when she needed me. I wish I was. I feel like this would be different right now. I also feel like maybe I should've lied about the relationship I had while we were apart but felt like being honest was the only way to start fresh. I would've only have wanted to lie know knowing how much it hurt her. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 I know now I am ready for a much healthier life with her... What is her opinion on this subject? It takes 2 to tango. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seperated Posted March 17, 2016 Author Share Posted March 17, 2016 Initially she said she can't be angry because we weren't together but it just sucks. And a couple weeks after confessing, because I felt so guilty she said I really hurt her. I then found out a few days ago she was kissing someone. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 (edited) So does she want to reconcile the marriage or not? In my opinion it's time for her to make the decision, one way or the other, rather than leaving you in limbo. After 14 months separation you should know whether it's going to lead to reconciliation or divorce. Edited March 17, 2016 by PegNosePete Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seperated Posted March 17, 2016 Author Share Posted March 17, 2016 She and I were talking for a while deciding let's be friends. I think she is so hurt and needs some time to clear her head and see if she can get past this... My thing is I feel really guilty even though we were apart. She saw people also... I know it's different but we both saw people. I'm going to give her some space. I am just filled with regret because I know it was only a rebound relationship and also I am kicking myself pretty hard for telling her. I feel like if I just said I went on a few dates it would've spared her feelings and also given us a much bigger chance of fixing this. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 No, lying and covering it up would have just made it worse. What if she'd found out after 3 years of reconciliation? That kind of thing can be very hard to lie about long-term. She'd be even more hurt and upset that you didn't tell her, and would probably end the marriage. So no, lying would not have brought you any more happiness in the long term. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seperated Posted March 17, 2016 Author Share Posted March 17, 2016 Very hard to live the the truth also Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 Why? You didn't do anything wrong. You both agreed that dating others was acceptable. Now she's annoyed retrospectively that you got further than she did, and you're accepting the guilt that she's pushing onto you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seperated Posted March 17, 2016 Author Share Posted March 17, 2016 I know... I feel like I did because I didn't fight for her sooner. If I had gotten help I wouldn't have wound up seeing anyone else and neither would she have. We could've just fixed things then if I was willing. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 Well if it were me, I'd be pushing for a final answer. 14 months is plenty long enough for any separation. By now I would be telling her "look wife, I want to fix the marriage. You've had plenty of time to decide whether you want to or not. If not then I need to know so that I can move on". Give her a week to choose. If it's still "I don't know" or "I need more time" then assume it's a "no". Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 I regret everything that's happened but I know now I am ready for a much healthier life with her... What do I do???? You have to look at this from her side. After years of depression, mistreatment and ignoring her requests to get help, she finally leaves the marriage. You decide after more ups and downs to see - and sleep with - someone else. And now you're back wanting to resume a relationship with her. Speaking bluntly, why should she want to? Not many would trust you to be a stable, safe partner. I understand you've been through a lot and addressed many things but you might be better served backing off and seeing how events play out. Some things we have to accept are out of our control... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seperated Posted March 17, 2016 Author Share Posted March 17, 2016 You're right. I would never have seen anyone though if she didn't tell me she moved on. The truth was she actually didn't but started dating because I told her I needed to be alone. I told her that because I was upset she didn't come around for a while and had health issues with my son... I should have told her earlier I wanted to fix things. But I wasn't healthy like I am now. I had planned on telling one night we were supposed to see each other. But that might and the next three months never happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seperated Posted March 17, 2016 Author Share Posted March 17, 2016 I guess the biggest difference is now I am healthy I've gotten myself there over the last 5 or 6 months. Not feeling bad or depressed... Telling my true feelings instead of holding them in.. For instance, I told her wanted to be alone..rather than I missed her .. That's how I really felt.. That's what led to her dating. So I don't blame her one bit. I just hope she sees I am ready to give it everything I have Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 I guess the biggest difference is now I am healthy I've gotten myself there over the last 5 or 6 months. Not feeling bad or depressed... Telling my true feelings instead of holding them in.. For instance, I told her wanted to be alone..rather than I missed her .. That's how I really felt.. That's what led to her dating. So I don't blame her one bit. I just hope she sees I am ready to give it everything I have Gently said Seperated, that is all about your feelings, wants and needs. You're going to have to be patient - and accepting - to determine hers. Pressure, guilt, blame and resentment will not be your allies... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seperated Posted March 18, 2016 Author Share Posted March 18, 2016 Thank you. I am giving her space and time to see if she can put it behind her. No more pressure, I've poured my heart out already so know she knows how I feel and she can absorb it all. Hopefully she realizes that she also dated outside the marriage and sees that I do not care. I am willing to put it behind me and move on because I love her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Seperated Posted March 18, 2016 Author Share Posted March 18, 2016 So mr lucky you think just leaving her be for now is best? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 I'd follow her lead. If she texts you, reply. If she engages you in conversation, respond neutrally. Let her show the way. The trick is to keep her from avoiding you out of fear you'll dump a bucket of neediness in her lap... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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