Lady2163 Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 Backstory - I had a 7 year long distance...liaison, relationship, friendship....thing with a MM. I ended it two years ago. No fight, no Dday, I just couldn't keep being the reason he might lose it all. We still talk and text regularly. It's friendly, warm all good. We probably communicate more than I realize. We are each other's "how to" source. The bext example I can give is: he speaks PC, I speak Apple. So a lot of the texts are, how do I, have you heard, do you know how to, where is the best place to..... I truly don't think anything about those texts, he's one of many who asks for these things. Anyway, I travel to his area frequently, but avoid telling him. Today, there was contact. Through a fluke, he knows I'm going to be in his area, a little over an hour away during a specific time frame. And during this time frame is my birthday. He's making a very impassioned plea for some time together. He isn't being insulting or lecherous. But there would be sex. And I'm quite sure it would be amazing. No chance of pregnancy, pretty confident we wouldn't get caught. I'm not worried about getting sucked back in emotionally. Again, I ended things because I just couldn't stand to see him lose everything if we WERE caught. The other wrinkle was that I had quit looking for someone for me. I have a high sex drive, but I am pretty low maintenance. I don't know if I was settling for a long distance "affair" with a MM, but it was meeting my needs and worked with my workaholic schedule, so I just didn't bother with anything else. It was convenient for me as well. I'm struggling. I'm single, with no kids, no family and few close friends. My inner child still wants my birthday to be special. He has some ideas of what he wants to do to make it special - it isn't all sexual. The sex and closeness is icing on the cake, though. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 Hm, tough call. But happy birthday regardless. Would you feel like you were somehow betraying your principles by going back (temporarily) on your decision to stop the A, or is it less serious than that for you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lady2163 Posted March 17, 2016 Author Share Posted March 17, 2016 Hm, tough call. But happy birthday regardless. Would you feel like you were somehow betraying your principles by going back (temporarily) on your decision to stop the A, or is it less serious than that for you? Saw this and am now pondering while I answer another thread. Thanks, Jen. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 Don't do it. Your physical part of the A ended 2 years ago (though I think the A is now an long distance EA) and he is still married, you two might get caught. Never say never. He has a lot to lose if he goes for it. If you care about him and his marriage just don't meet up with him. It'll also open doors for you that you've already closed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lady2163 Posted March 17, 2016 Author Share Posted March 17, 2016 Don't do it. Your physical part of the A ended 2 years ago (though I think the A is now an long distance EA) and he is still married, you two might get caught. Never say never. He has a lot to lose if he goes for it. If you care about him and his marriage just don't meet up with him. It'll also open doors for you that you've already closed. I haven't done a lot of research on what makes it different from a friendship. There have been times we have called each other first with good news or bad news. For me, it is a want rather than a need to talk to him during those times. Which is why I've always considered it a friendship rather than an EA. I don't deny I miss the closeness. When it is bad, I post on here more. Jen-I'm not sure that a one-off would compromise my principles. But I think it will weaken my resolve to not get sucked back in to lazy patterns. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 Jen-I'm not sure that a one-off would compromise my principles. But I think it will weaken my resolve to not get sucked back in to lazy patterns. I think that's primarily what you have to figure out then. Honestly, IMO it's not your job or responsibility to keep him from cheating or to look after his family's best interests. That's his job, and if he's made personal life decisions that don't prioritize those things and you're still ok w/his character, well ....off you go. Again, your focus can only really be on what's best for you within your own values system. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 I think Jen's advice has been excellent, but just one thing to add. The fact that you're here asking about it makes me think that there is at least some aspect of it you're not comfortable with. Call it gut instinct if you like. Generally we should trust our guts. Something to think about. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Forceawakensme Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 Gloria makes a good point. From your OP it seems like your only fear is him getting caught/ losing everything and it sounds like he wouldn't in this once off. So its a calculated risk that seems fairly safe. But what is lingering under the surface that is causing you to post here and be unsure about how to proceed.... it seems likely there is more to this than just fear of getting caught, definitely worth getting to bottom of that one! Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 Lady2163, make your birthday special by not meeting him and feeling great all day long about doing the right thing! Here's an idea of a birthday gift for you: Buy yourself a special mirror before your birthday; something nice to hang in your home. Wrap up the mirror beautifully, take the package with you on your trip and open it on that day. At some point on your birthday (After dinner, maybe? Think of a fun creative way to present it to yourself ceremoniously) unwrap it, hold your head up high, put your shoulders back, and look into that mirror knowing the person looking back at you is an amazing and strong woman who has integrity. Then take the mirror home and hang it somewhere in your house where you'll see it often, as a symbol of your growth as an individual; a kind of trophy, if you will. And every time you do something you're proud of go stand in front of that mirror and smile at the person who's looking back at you! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lady2163 Posted March 17, 2016 Author Share Posted March 17, 2016 All good. Told him no. Was honest that I just wasn't in the same frame of mind I was 9 years ago and it would destroy the friendship. Might do that mirror thing. Cool idea. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 Backstory - I had a 7 year long distance...liaison, relationship, friendship....thing with a MM. I ended it two years ago. No fight, no Dday, I just couldn't keep being the reason he might lose it all. We still talk and text regularly. It's friendly, warm all good. We probably communicate more than I realize. We are each other's "how to" source. The bext example I can give is: he speaks PC, I speak Apple. So a lot of the texts are, how do I, have you heard, do you know how to, where is the best place to..... I truly don't think anything about those texts, he's one of many who asks for these things. Anyway, I travel to his area frequently, but avoid telling him. Today, there was contact. Through a fluke, he knows I'm going to be in his area, a little over an hour away during a specific time frame. And during this time frame is my birthday. He's making a very impassioned plea for some time together. He isn't being insulting or lecherous. But there would be sex. And I'm quite sure it would be amazing. No chance of pregnancy, pretty confident we wouldn't get caught. I'm not worried about getting sucked back in emotionally. Again, I ended things because I just couldn't stand to see him lose everything if we WERE caught. The other wrinkle was that I had quit looking for someone for me. I have a high sex drive, but I am pretty low maintenance. I don't know if I was settling for a long distance "affair" with a MM, but it was meeting my needs and worked with my workaholic schedule, so I just didn't bother with anything else. It was convenient for me as well. I'm struggling. I'm single, with no kids, no family and few close friends. My inner child still wants my birthday to be special. He has some ideas of what he wants to do to make it special - it isn't all sexual. The sex and closeness is icing on the cake, though. The sex would bond him to you so strong. You couldnt get out of it and thevneed for more and more time, more emotion... Please if you must keep it going...keep it with distance and fantasy, ending would be better but physical contact would hurt you more than you know. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 All good. Told him no. Was honest that I just wasn't in the same frame of mind I was 9 years ago and it would destroy the friendship. Might do that mirror thing. Cool idea. Proud of you, Lady!You are a strong woman and no doubt he'll respect you more for this (not that his opinion is why you're doing it). Also, let us know if you do the mirror thing. I got to thinking about it more and thought what fun it would be to mail it (or have a friend mail it or send with a courier) to a restaurant with the instructions that it's your birthday and you're to be given a special gift of significance at the end of your meal. This, not to draw attention to yourself but rather to have someone (the waiter/waitress) there to witness the presentation. I think you could really have fun with this idea by coming up with your own creative way of making it a really special event that you'll anticipate! Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 I haven't done a lot of research on what makes it different from a friendship. There have been times we have called each other first with good news or bad news. For me, it is a want rather than a need to talk to him during those times. Which is why I've always considered it a friendship rather than an EA. I don't deny I miss the closeness. When it is bad, I post on here more. Jen-I'm not sure that a one-off would compromise my principles. But I think it will weaken my resolve to not get sucked back in to lazy patterns. A friendship for one does not involve sharing feelings or sex. If you have any type of emotional connection to this MM it is an EA. When there is sex, kissing, petting etc it is also physical. A friendship would never be kept secret from a spouse too. If MM is keeping this "friendship" to himself then it is absolutely an EA. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 All good. Told him no. Was honest that I just wasn't in the same frame of mind I was 9 years ago and it would destroy the friendship. Might do that mirror thing. Cool idea. Good for you OP! I would try and drop the friendship too if he is pushing for sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Cappycorny Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 Resist the urge and let it go. The more you hold onto this the more your sense of self is going to get lost. I know that's tough, but it's true. Gotta let it go! My best to you. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 The sex would bond him to you so strong. You couldnt get out of it and thevneed for more and more time, more emotion... Please if you must keep it going...keep it with distance and fantasy, ending would be better but physical contact would hurt you more than you know. I know private didn't mean it this way but that almost sounds like a shadow pitch for doing it .... "The sweat, the heat, the power ....too good to resist!" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lady2163 Posted March 17, 2016 Author Share Posted March 17, 2016 A friendship for one does not involve sharing feelings or sex. If you have any type of emotional connection to this MM it is an EA. When there is sex, kissing, petting etc it is also physical. A friendship would never be kept secret from a spouse too. If MM is keeping this "friendship" to himself then it is absolutely an EA. I'm guessing you mean feelings of love and not every day expressions of anger, frustration and joy. No expressions of love. No sex anymore. I've never agreed with the idea that it can only be a friendship if a spouse knows about it. My exH and I were both in the military. He didn't know all the men I was/am friends with. If my unit was overseas, normally we went out as a group, but there was socialization where it was just two or three people. I doubt their wives knew/know. These are non sexual friendships. Years ago was in the same town as someone I hadn't seen for many years. He told his wife he was going to meet his Army buddy "Smith" for a drink. He came home smelling like my perfume, from a simple hug. He had neglected honestly to tell her I was a woman. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 I'm guessing you mean feelings of love and not every day expressions of anger, frustration and joy. No expressions of love. No sex anymore. I've never agreed with the idea that it can only be a friendship if a spouse knows about it. My exH and I were both in the military. He didn't know all the men I was/am friends with. If my unit was overseas, normally we went out as a group, but there was socialization where it was just two or three people. I doubt their wives knew/know. These are non sexual friendships. Years ago was in the same town as someone I hadn't seen for many years. He told his wife he was going to meet his Army buddy "Smith" for a drink. He came home smelling like my perfume, from a simple hug. He had neglected honestly to tell her I was a woman. No I understand what you are saying and I agree. I mean the friendships that are being hidden because of what the spouse might think. If certain things are being said are not M friendly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lady2163 Posted March 17, 2016 Author Share Posted March 17, 2016 No I understand what you are saying and I agree. I mean the friendships that are being hidden because of what the spouse might think. If certain things are being said are not M friendly. Here's an example (totally made up) of how a conversation might go after we haven't spoken for a while. Me: what are you doing tonight? Him: Well, a couple weeks ago Jane had a medical procedure done. She was supposed to be healed in a few days, but two weeks later she is still hurting. The kids are home, so I need to go cook supper and probably do some laundry. The kids know she is uncomfortable, but she doesn't want them to worry. She doesn't like having me in the bed because it makes her procedure hurt. She doesn't want the kids to think anything else is wrong, so I have to wait for them to go to sleep before I can go to sleep on the couch and I have to get up early so they don't see we aren't sleeping together. No where does he complain or accuse her of being lazy or milking it. Neither am I - remember it's a fictional sample. Has he told something she wouldn't want known? Yes. Would she be thrilled he was discussing it with a former OW? No. Is he ramming it down my throat that he hasn't had sex in a while? No, but if asked, he'd answer. I don't ask. But that is how our conversations go. He describes a scenario, without a lot of emotion or complaint. He gives enough humanistic information that I know he's tired, not sleeping well, performing a juggling act, etc. My next comment to his description would truly be: Wow, what did the doctor say? Back to reality- no he didn't pressure me for sex when I told him I couldn't. Link to post Share on other sites
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