Lack Of Dates

[Leigh 87]

Accusing someone of being jealous of you shows that you don't have an intelligent or worthwhile response to what they're saying. Weak.

 

And no, I'm not jealous of you either.

 

Your outlook is not as common as you think. I live in Los Angeles, one of the most shallow places in the world, and I do see a lot of women like you..they're called gold diggers. But even here there are far more non-shallow women than gold diggers.

 

Lmao.

 

Hilarious.

 

Well you enjoy having to split the check. And I'll enjoy the fact that I get taken out and treated.

 

As a " gold digger " you do realise that I believe women should be paying equal rent and groceries?

 

When I graduate and work full time I certainly don't want him paying full rent and good shopping. ...

 

I guess I am different from other gold digters. Most gold diggers depicted in the movies as TARGETING rich men ( I have actually rejected rich men who wanted a relationship).

 

Gold diggers also generally want men to buy all their clothes cosmetics and to pay their food and rent.

 

So yeah. I intend to work full time when I graduate and to pay my own way. The only thing I'll want from any man is for them to pay for the dates and small getaways and holidays. I'll buy my own cosmetics anx clothes although once in a while I prefer a man who will treat me because I like generous men.

 

Hardly gold digging territory, LOL.

[Leigh 87]

Love language isn't a *thing* ... let alone a purely female thing akin to MGTOW...how condescending and insulting.

 

Google it for chrissakes.

 

The concept was adopted in 1995 by a male, Gary Chapman, who researched and wrote the book, which became a best seller, and to this day has helped literally millions of couples successfully navigate their relationships. There are now seminars and workshops all over the world promoting his work.

 

Perhaps you should read about it, understand it, before you start criticizing it and assigning meaning to it that is not only unture, bit just doesn't exist.

 

Yep I just don't feel right about men who split the check and I get massively turned on when men actually enjoy taking care of their gf.

 

It isn't something that I need to change. It doesn't stop me finding decent men who are into me and want to spoil me the way that I desire. I unfortunately wouod go for chemistry in absence of other traits hence why I passed up the good guys in favor of incompatible ones, or men who weren't into me.

 

There are men out there who happily accommodation me and my " love language ". My bf is one if them. I understand he doesn't have the means to go all out and provide me with a decadent lifestyle.

 

Being generous and having the natural desire to want to treat and pampered your girlfriend is a quality I need; pampering doesn't have to cost the earth though.

 

For instance. My bf wanted to go to a motor bike show. I don't care for bikes but love men that ride them, LOL. So I tagged alojg for the day out. It was 25 to gain entry. He paid for us both. He also got my food and beer there. And paidfor petrol andparking

 

It didn't cost nuch all up but ut is the principal that counts; that he has the natural tendency to want to take care of his woman when we go out of the house.

 

Big overseas trips, rent and cosmetics and clothes I am happy to buy for myself. The occasional " oh no babe I'll treat you to the dress" is lovely though but we are talking once every 3 mnths...nothing gold digging....

[Leigh 87]

Actually after reading this post, I agree me and others have been way too negative, not taking into account Leigh's issues that she has openly discussed (which is brave and admirable).

 

The love language theory... It probably has some truth in it. I think my BF is a quality time-type, because he almost measures my affection towards him depending on whether we spend the evenings together or not (haha, since we cohabitate, I mean in the same room, sometimes I just prefer to go and work on something by myself and he thinks I'm avoiding him ). I'm a touch person, although I don't like PDA, if we e.g. watch tv on the couch, I feel isolated if we don't have physical contact. Btw at least for myself I think this 'love language' stems from childhood - holding hands would be the way my parents / grandparents would use to calm me down when scared.

 

In Leigh's case 'gifting' also comes from the way how her parents raised her I think. It is imprinted behavior.

 

Her guy seems committed, only time will tell are they 'the one' to each other..

 

 

 

We are both committed.

 

 

We both love quality time, verbal affirmation and physical touch.

 

He doesn't care to receive gifts. It means nothing for him.

[katiegrl]

We are both committed.

 

 

We both love quality time, verbal affirmation and physical touch.

 

He doesn't care to receive gifts. It means nothing for him.

 

I think we all need those things to a certain extent, what's important is how much we need to feel loved, and if the amount we need to *receive* to feel loved ....coincides with the amount our partner is willing to *give.*

 

And vice versa.

 

Leigh, from reading your numerous posts and threads, it's become obvious that your main love language is gift giving ... we all have a main and secondary love language.

 

Gift giving or rather, lack thereof, is a dealbreaker for you, obviously!

 

You simply are not able to feel loved when you are splitting the check, buying gifts for yourself and spoiling yourself.

 

Which is okay!

 

Gift giving is often mis-understood and mistaken for golddigging, and even though I personally don't need gifts lavished upon me to feel loved, I understand for you and others, you DO!!

 

You also said you were rather spoiled growing up too, correct? I could be wrong.

 

So naturally you associate your partner giving gifts, paying your way, spoiling you, as you put it, as expressions of his love for you....I get it.

 

And you give the same in return! Even though he may not need those things as much as you.

Edited March 20, 2016 by katiegrl

[scorpiogirl]

Not to get down on Leigh, cuz I personally think her heart is in the right place, but the reason her stories change ...is because Leigh herself changes, from day to night or even within the same day.

 

She said she has been diagnosed with Aspergers, and I also recall her saying bi-polar as well, which would explain the erratic behavior and changing *stories.*

 

Also, I and others know her history, and that her love language is *gifting.*

 

This means she associates a man *spoiling" her as meaning he loves her. She is not a golddigger ...she just wants to feel loved, as we all do!

 

My love language is *quality time* which means I associate a man loving me with how much time he puts towards me and the RL.

 

Does this make me an attention whore? Hardly. It's how I personally feel loved.

 

Another love language is touch, and some people need to be touched all the time, lots of PDA, otherwise *they* don't feel loved!

 

We all need what we need to feel loved, so I think it is a bit unfair to negatively judge Leigh for needing what SHE needs.

 

She has also stated numerous times on this thread and others how generous and giving SHE is with the men she dates.

 

But for some reason, that goes ignored, while the harsh criticisms toward her continue.

 

Leigh has a heart of gold, not a malicious bone in her body.

 

Issues, yes, to which she has acknowledgd but being a materialistic golddigger is not one of them!

 

I'm aware of her posting history. And have read the love languages books.

"Gifts" doesn't mean "spend spend spend on me me me".

 

She can't use "gifts are my love language" to get upset that her boyfriend doesn't take her on dates.

There comes a point in your life where you start being accountable for your words and actions, and not use the "oh, but her parents ...."

She's smart, as she constantly likes to point out. So she should, at the very least be able to take information in from the people she's addressing on public forums, not always try to justify why incorrect behaviour is wrong.

[Timshel]

I think we all need those things to a certain extent, what's important is how much we need to feel loved, and if the amount we need to *receive* to feel loved ....coincides with the amount our partner is willing to *give.*

 

And vice versa.

 

Leigh, from reading your numerous posts and threads, it's become obvious that your main love language is gift giving ... we all have a main and secondary love language.

 

Gift giving or rather, lack thereof, is a dealbreaker for you, obviously!

 

You simply are not able to feel loved when you are splitting the check, buying gifts for yourself and spoiling yourself.

 

Which is okay!

 

Gift giving is often mis-understood and mistaken for golddigging, and even though I personally don't need gifts lavished upon me to feel loved, I understand for you and others, you DO!!

 

You also said you were rather spoiled growing up too, correct? I could be wrong.

 

So naturally you associate your partner giving gifts, paying your way, spoiling you, as you put it, as expressions of his love for you....I get it.

 

And you give the same in return! Even though he may not need those things as much as you.

 

Katie, I adore you. BUT...... These are first world problems. Love languages and 'I feel pretty' stuff.

 

Leigh, you seem happy with your bf, most of the time. If you aren't content, it's a good thing you are not married.

 

If you are happy with your relationship then go for simple dates, put 30% of the fancy date into savings and donate the difference of an expensive dinner to charity.

[ChickiePops]

Lmao.

 

Hilarious.

 

Well you enjoy having to split the check. And I'll enjoy the fact that I get taken out and treated.

 

As a " gold digger " you do realise that I believe women should be paying equal rent and groceries?

 

When I graduate and work full time I certainly don't want him paying full rent and good shopping. ...

 

I guess I am different from other gold digters. Most gold diggers depicted in the movies as TARGETING rich men ( I have actually rejected rich men who wanted a relationship).

 

Gold diggers also generally want men to buy all their clothes cosmetics and to pay their food and rent.

 

So yeah. I intend to work full time when I graduate and to pay my own way. The only thing I'll want from any man is for them to pay for the dates and small getaways and holidays. I'll buy my own cosmetics anx clothes although once in a while I prefer a man who will treat me because I like generous men.

 

Hardly gold digging territory, LOL.

 

And we all know that movies are 100% true to life!

[katiegrl]

I was just browsing the General Relationship discussion section, and a poster (a guy) created a thread addressing this very topic ...simply called "Five Love Languages".... It will be interesting to see how that thread evolves!!

 

I expect it will become quite lively later on when more posters are on line.

 

Adore you too Timshel!

Edited March 20, 2016 by katiegrl

[Shining One]

Having a specific love language doesn't justify taking advantage. I appreciate acts of service, but you don't see me requiring women to clean my house, cook for me, do my laundry, etc.

[Ferret]

I'm aware of her posting history. And have read the love languages books.

"Gifts" doesn't mean "spend spend spend on me me me".

 

She can't use "gifts are my love language" to get upset that her boyfriend doesn't take her on dates.

There comes a point in your life where you start being accountable for your words and actions, and not use the "oh, but her parents ...."

She's smart, as she constantly likes to point out. So she should, at the very least be able to take information in from the people she's addressing on public forums, not always try to justify why incorrect behaviour is wrong.

 

Agreed...also why are people with Asperger given a auto pass for almost everything it seams? and im sorry but ive seen more women act out badly and blame it on BI-polar then I can count ..

 

As I said earlier im prob going to be mega flamed on this but im kinda sick of seeing women and its usually women using these boarder line mental illnesses to act out not saying I haven't herd of it from men but it seams more women..

 

I guess its our new PMS since the bite of PMS has worn off?..

I don't know that subject kinda annoys me when I see other wise coherent competent people being told "its ok that your making poor choices and that you treat others like crap" you have so and so and you just cant help it..even people with sever mental illnesses can still function on a some what socially acceptable level.

 

Note this isn't a direct stab at the OP but its a general statement the OP seams like a intelligent coherent women she must be shes smart enough to get herself thu collage in a medical field mind you and to boot while at that figure out how to finance her exorbitant lifestyle shes smart enough to know what she likes and dislikes in this world shes smart enough to know her options on many levels it sounds..

 

I don't think we need to be coddling this women under the pretense she has a "mental illness" cause its just not going to do her any good..Ok let the flaming begun...also I don't think anyone's truly trying to just pick on her I know I wasn't she had issues with me cause I was pointing out a fact that its hard to live a exorbitant life style when one has a child that's just a fact..

[katiegrl]

Having a specific love language doesn't justify taking advantage. I appreciate acts of service, but you don't see me requiring women to clean my house, cook for me, do my laundry, etc.

 

Good point!

[katiegrl]

Agreed...also why are people with Asperger given a auto pass for almost everything it seams? and im sorry but ive seen more women act out badly and blame it on BI-polar then I can count ..

 

As I said earlier im prob going to be mega flamed on this but im kinda sick of seeing women and its usually women using these boarder line mental illnesses to act out not saying I haven't herd of it from men but it seams more women..

 

I guess its our new PMS since the bite of PMS has worn off?..

I don't know that subject kinda annoys me when I see other wise coherent competent people being told "its ok that your making poor choices and that you treat others like crap" you have so and so and you just cant help it..even people with sever mental illnesses can still function on a some what socially acceptable level.

 

Note this isn't a direct stab at the OP but its a general statement the OP seams like a intelligent coherent women she must be shes smart enough to get herself thu collage in a medical field mind you and to boot while at that figure out how to finance her exorbitant lifestyle shes smart enough to know what she likes and dislikes in this world shes smart enough to know her options on many levels it sounds..

 

I don't think we need to be coddling this women under the pretense she has a "mental illness" cause its just not going to do her any good..Ok let the flaming begun...also I don't think anyone's truly trying to just pick on her I know I wasn't she had issues with me cause I was pointing out a fact that its hard to live a exorbitant life style when one has a child that's just a fact..

 

Flaming isn't allowed here so don't hold your breath waiting ....

 

That said, I was not coddling Leigh, I don't coddle people on or off this board!

 

I simply understand where she's coming from, having known her on this board for quite a long time, since joining.

 

And my opinion is she has her heart in the right place....she may not be articulating herself well enough for others to get her... but I get where she is coming from.

 

Not sure how or why I do ... as I acknowledge many of her posts are questionable...but I do.

 

Again jmo though, I could be wrong!

 

And for the record, although still a stigma unfortunately, mental illness is very real.

[Leigh 87]

How am I taking advantage of him?

 

He is a grown @ss man with dating options. He wouldn't tolerate a woman who didn't treat him well the majority of the time and wasn't able to own up and apologises for her less than ideal times.

 

He chose... he ASKED to plz pay rent and to help me through uni ( as he knew that I wouldn't be entitled to government help if we moved in together). He knew my 150 to 200 a week I earn isn't enough for rent food and transportation without the government help for Australian students so he took on this relationship with the intent to help me through college somewhat. I never asked him to. He wanted to help me out.

 

And this is why I picked him. Aside from the fireworks we had and the ease at which er hit it off.

[Leigh 87]

Agreed...also why are people with Asperger given a auto pass for almost everything it seams? and im sorry but ive seen more women act out badly and blame it on BI-polar then I can count ..

 

As I said earlier im prob going to be mega flamed on this but im kinda sick of seeing women and its usually women using these boarder line mental illnesses to act out not saying I haven't herd of it from men but it seams more women..

 

I guess its our new PMS since the bite of PMS has worn off?..

I don't know that subject kinda annoys me when I see other wise coherent competent people being told "its ok that your making poor choices and that you treat others like crap" you have so and so and you just cant help it..even people with sever mental illnesses can still function on a some what socially acceptable level.

 

Note this isn't a direct stab at the OP but its a general statement the OP seams like a intelligent coherent women she must be shes smart enough to get herself thu collage in a medical field mind you and to boot while at that figure out how to finance her exorbitant lifestyle shes smart enough to know what she likes and dislikes in this world shes smart enough to know her options on many levels it sounds..

 

I don't think we need to be coddling this women under the pretense she has a "mental illness" cause its just not going to do her any good..Ok let the flaming begun...also I don't think anyone's truly trying to just pick on her I know I wasn't she had issues with me cause I was pointing out a fact that its hard to live a exorbitant life style when one has a child that's just a fact..

 

 

I never said anything about an exorbitant lifestyle. ..I won't even get that without a child much less wifh one...if I am lucky enough to get pregnant one day snd the chiid is even healthy. Children disabilities lead to a life of poverty.

 

I said don't intend to live paycheck to paycheck either. Ad a podiatrist with a partner who works full time, I cannot see why we would live paycheck to paycheck with absolutely no moneyto out into savings or for decent skincare and occasional luxuries.

[Ferret]

Flaming isn't allowed here so don't hold your breath waiting ....

 

That said, I was not coddling Leigh, I don't coddle people on or off this board!

 

I simply understand where she's coming from, having known her on this board for quite a long time, since joining.

 

And my opinion is she has her heart in the right place....she may not be articulating herself well enough for others to get her... but I get where she is coming from.

 

Not sure how or why I do ... as I acknowledge many of her posts are questionable...but I do.

 

Again jmo though, I could be wrong!

 

And for the record, although still a stigma unfortunately, mental illness is very real.

 

I never said it isn't real I know people with sever mental illnesses im not discounting they exist im questioning why some give people with mental illnesses especially the more boarder line ones more often then not get a pass to act how ever they see fit there is a difference..

 

There is a difference between articulating ones self well enough to be understood and just saying what you honestly feel even if it might be hurtful to others and having other just accept it cause well "shes got so and so"

 

Its pretty clear what shes saying as shes repeated it many many times in many ways the base of this thread was about was the fact shes not happy cause her BF is not spoiling her enough not spending enough on her when it sounded the guy was genuinely trying unless I missed something some were? he took her to a 200 dinner and she still wasn't happy..I mean I guess it possible I missed something in that translation but that was the jist of it..

 

It then went on to turn out shes been spending her earned cash on frivolous things and accepting a grant that's meant for struggling students all the while shes been living with a BF whose been helping contribute to their home again maybe I missed something in that translation?

 

I dont know..but it all seams rather clear cut to me..shes been articulating the basics ok for the most part honestly I think the confusion is only there when she backpedals to change the story when some get upset with what shes really saying..

[katiegrl]

 

....or for decent skincare and occasional luxuries.

 

:) And this is precisely why I adore you Leigh.... your honesty and forthrightness is just so damn refreshing!

[Leigh 87]

Agreed...also why are people with Asperger given a auto pass for almost everything it seams? and im sorry but ive seen more women act out badly and blame it on BI-polar then I can count ..

 

As I said earlier im prob going to be mega flamed on this but im kinda sick of seeing women and its usually women using these boarder line mental illnesses to act out not saying I haven't herd of it from men but it seams more women..

 

I guess its our new PMS since the bite of PMS has worn off?..

I don't know that subject kinda annoys me when I see other wise coherent competent people being told "its ok that your making poor choices and that you treat others like crap" you have so and so and you just cant help it..even people with sever mental illnesses can still function on a some what socially acceptable level.

 

Note this isn't a direct stab at the OP but its a general statement the OP seams like a intelligent coherent women she must be shes smart enough to get herself thu collage in a medical field mind you and to boot while at that figure out how to finance her exorbitant lifestyle shes smart enough to know what she likes and dislikes in this world shes smart enough to know her options on many levels it sounds..

 

I don't think we need to be coddling this women under the pretense she has a "mental illness" cause its just not going to do her any good..Ok let the flaming begun...also I don't think anyone's truly trying to just pick on her I know I wasn't she had issues with me cause I was pointing out a fact that its hard to live a exorbitant life style when one has a child that's just a fact..

 

 

 

Asberges is tough.

 

I can't even put my hand up in lectures at college. Because people like me end up acting " asbergesy". People always snigger when I go to open my mouth so it isn't a ball of fun having the condition that I have.

 

So ya. We kinda do deserve leniency. We can't make friends or get a lot if jobs dud to the fact we act a bit strange.

 

Funnily enough it doesn't inpact m in the dating arena because, well.... i am slim with big boobs and a great figure and am cute ( but not beautiful I acknowledge!). And many decent men actually were more drawn to me cos im weird.

[Ferret]

I never said anything about an exorbitant lifestyle. ..I won't even get that without a child much less wifh one...if I am lucky enough to get pregnant one day snd the chiid is even healthy. Children disabilities lead to a life of poverty.

 

I said don't intend to live paycheck to paycheck either. Ad a podiatrist with a partner who works full time, I cannot see why we would live paycheck to paycheck with absolutely no moneyto out into savings or for decent skincare and occasional luxuries.

 

So having children with disabilities leads to poverty? and im sorry but the things you are talking about are indeed a exorbitant life style for most of the population these days unless you are already well off then I guess not..200 date nights and 1100 on toiletries and "extras" a month is kinda exorbitant I run a entire house hold on that real life bills included..

[MidwestUSA]

So having children with disabilities leads to poverty?

 

No, of course it doesn't. At least not here in the states. All of the kids I care for have everything they need, as do their parents and the rest of the family.

 

This is where government assistance comes in. And God bless the special school district.

[katiegrl]

:) And this is precisely why I adore you Leigh.... your honesty and forthrightness is just so damn refreshing!

 

Edit: Even now with all the criticism you have received, you still defend your right to splurge on decent skincare!

 

Gotta love the honesty and boldness... seriously.

[Ferret]

Asberges is tough.

 

I can't even put my hand up in lectures at college. Because people like me end up acting " asbergesy". People always snigger when I go to open my mouth so it isn't a ball of fun having the condition that I have.

 

So ya. We kinda do deserve leniency. We can't make friends or get a lot if jobs dud to the fact we act a bit strange.

 

Funnily enough it doesn't inpact m in the dating arena because, well.... i am slim with big boobs and a great figure and am cute ( but not beautiful I acknowledge!). And many decent men actually were more drawn to me cos im weird.

 

I have mental illnesses as well plus pretty sever physical ones and yes it is tough I also have extreme anxiety to the point im pretty much a shut in these days believe me I know it sucks but I can still function on a adult level with out using my disabilities as excuses for poor life choices and treating others poorly..

[joseb]

Love language isn't a *thing* ... let alone a purely female thing akin to MGTOW...how condescending and insulting.

 

Google it for chrissakes.

 

The concept was adopted in 1995 by a male, Gary Chapman, who researched and wrote the book, which became a best seller, and to this day has helped literally millions of couples successfully navigate their relationships. There are now seminars and workshops all over the world promoting his work.

 

Perhaps you should read about it, understand it, before you start criticizing it and assigning meaning to it that is not only unture, bit just doesn't exist.

 

I did google it and that's where I came to the consensus that's it sounds very much like a convenient title to excuse princess like behaviour.

[katiegrl]

I did google it and that's where I came to the consensus that's it sounds very much like a convenient title to excuse princess like behaviour.

 

Just the gift giving or all of them?

 

In any event, fair enough.

[Ferret]

Edit: Even now with all the criticism you have received, you still defend your right to splurge on decent skincare!

 

Gotta love the honesty and boldness... seriously.

No ones upset shes getting herself decent skin care they are kinda ticked shes getting it on their taxes big difference I think shes entitled to treat herself good long as its with in her means and shes not expecting others to foot that bill...

[Shining One]

How am I taking advantage of him?

You started a thread about how your already generous boyfriend is not giving you enough. You are already receiving disproportionally to what you give in this relationship and you are seeking ways to take more. What's toxic here is your mindset. Instead of seeking ways to compromise or make things easier on your partner, you just seek to take.

 

He may not feel like he's being taken advantage of at the moment. This sort of behavior tends to breed resentment over long periods of time.

 

Let me give you an example from recent memory. I just bought a new bedroom set and I wanted to get the walls painted before it was delivered. Rather than have my girlfriend spend all of her limited free time painting my walls, I took over a bunch of her errands for that week. She gave me time and painted my walls and I gave her time and took care of her errands. We were then able to spend our free time together. This is how a partnership works.