Lack Of Dates

[preraph]

Tell him if he wants to be with you, he has to take you out, that you're not going to sit around and age prematurely!! You have to make demands and mean it if it's something that you really can't live with down the road.

[Blanco]

Your boyfriend isn't a walking ATM, which is what you seem to view him as if this thread and your other posts about him are any indication.

 

Honestly, I feel bad for him. There's a difference between someone wanting their partner to do nice things for them and expecting them to carry most of the burden when it comes to financing things within the relationship.

 

You've mentioned many times wanting to be spoiled by your partner, which comes off as shallow, especially it's clear that "spoiled" in this context is correlated to having money spent on you. I was with my last girlfriend for three years and it was filled with turmoil. However, she really came through for things such as birthdays. Here's the kicker: She never spent much money at all. But those gifts meant so much more because they showed thoughtfulness. They reminded me that she paid attention to why I was and what I liked. Maybe it's because I'm a guy, but I'll take over high sticker prices more times than not.

 

You might think it's charming to say that you need your guy to spoil you, but I just get this icky feeling reading that, and I'm someone who tries to be in tune with his partner's needs and wants as much as I can. I don't know how old you are, but hopefully you'll eventually realize that more money spent on you doesn't equate to more interest in you, nor does it correlate to quality of the relationship. Relationships deteriorating doesn't just happen to the poor, ya know?

[Blanco]

And look, this isn't necessarily directed at the OP, but this is the kind of nonsense that do independent, hard-working women no favors when it comes to how women in general are perceived by men. I find it deeply sad how these women are unfairly lumped in with those who have the mindset that, as a woman, you are entitled to constant lavish gifts and gestures simply for dating someone.

[clia]

Wanting the man to pa for dates when I otherwise believe in paying equal rent and living expenses isn't spoilt by my standards.

 

Wanting him to show love through gifting is a love language. Not an indicator that I am some gold digger.

 

Plenty of women only date men who pay for dates.

 

They aren't necessarily gold diggers.

 

You said above that you only pay $200 a month for the phone bills even though you make several hundred a week. So you aren't equally paying rent and living expenses, are you? He is shouldering nearly the entire burden.

[thecrucible]

I can understand the need to feel treated to something as an expression of love, and that obviously means a lot to you. I like it too, admittedly. But recently I don't value it quite so much. I dated a guy who'd treat me to things and I thought it was great until I realised that he didn't put much thought into it and he wasn't actually that into me. I overheard him having a conversation with his friend about his dating methods and it finally clicked that I was just a number to him. Needless to say it didn't last between us. That whole experience taught me a lot. I now couldn't care less who pays as long as no one is being taken advantage of and he is doing thoughtful things for me whatever the cost. The greatest gift is a man's time and attention in my opinion.

 

I understand that his social anxiety may prevent him from wanting to do a lot of things outside of the house but maybe you both could reach a compromise. You could that you don't want to pressure him into going out but it would be good to plan to do something different together every once in a while. I would pick something that suits an interest of his to initially coax him out of the nest.

 

I also read smackie's comment about her husband not being the type to go out, so she goes out with female friends instead. I have a friend who's the same - her partner isn't that up to going out all the time. They'll go out sometimes even if not as often as she'd like and she will be the one to organise it - I think it's important to acknowledge that a lot of men will leave the woman to do all the organising when it comes to activities outside of the home. I think I would find lack of pro-activeness a bit of a turn off too. However I would sooner do something like buying concert tickets (as smackie said) than sit around and be miserable about it. The compromise for me in relationships has often been accepting the fact that I'll be the one making the plans if we are to do anything.

 

I would try and stop comparing your relationship to your friend's as it can just be a bad omen for relationships. Besides you are only seeing one part of their relationship and hearing about what it's like on a good day and it says nothing about what their relationship is like as a whole.

[thecrucible]

And look, this isn't necessarily directed at the OP, but this is the kind of nonsense that do independent, hard-working women no favors when it comes to how women in general are perceived by men. I find it deeply sad how these women are unfairly lumped in with those who have the mindset that, as a woman, you are entitled to constant lavish gifts and gestures simply for dating someone.

 

I agree with this. I don't think Leigh is a golddigger but I can point to dating experiences when men have lavished money on me for meals and gifts. And honestly it is really pretty meaningless because they are buying you. I was with a guy like this and he thought he was a bit of a player. He didn't really like me and in the end I felt insulted because it was kind of sexist of him thinking "Oh she's a woman. I'll just buy her some things. That'll keep her into me". The emotional connection was completely lacking because all this guy thought he needed to do was spend money on me. It's actually really shallow and fake. It's better to have money spent out of love.

 

I can understand wanting to go out as long as it's being realistic. Personally I like to go out and dress up sometimes and I can see where Leigh is coming from. I'm happy with going out locally to places we frequent and then only every so often planning to go somewhere bigger. I like to go to the theatre and dress up from time to time but it wouldn't be every weekend. In another relationship we went out a lot but it was like it was a distraction from us bonding. Some time in the house is actually quite good for a couple from time to time.

[Els]

He has masisve social anxiety.

 

His ex friends put spy cams in his home and filmed him masturbating and leaked it live on u tube.

 

So he moved states a year ago to get away from the constant taunts and bullying of the local community who all got access to hisonline exploits.

 

As a result he has PTSD and doesn't like being in crowds or public too much.

 

So I think it is good for him to get out and about... the cute couple days we spent and dinner dates he LOVED. So jt was great to see that he CAN love public outings.

 

He just really really enjoys the sanctuary of our home and life together and finds it hard to wsnt for more. He is so happy with me just. ... being me and doing nothing but talking and cuddle and sex all weekend.

 

Oookaaaayyy...

 

Tell me why we are still talking about his wages, your attractiveness, your friend's boyfriend, and not being able to wear evening dresses to fancy dinners again???

 

Shouldn't this be a much more serious problem than all of the above combined and multiplied by 10????

[Leigh 87]

And look, this isn't necessarily directed at the OP, but this is the kind of nonsense that do independent, hard-working women no favors when it comes to how women in general are perceived by men. I find it deeply sad how these women are unfairly lumped in with those who have the mindset that, as a woman, you are entitled to constant lavish gifts and gestures simply for dating someone.

 

 

 

I study podiatry full time and work weekends. ..

 

In Australia that doesn't constitute as " lazy". It is rare here for full time students to work full time hours.

 

I intend to graduate with good grades and to get a good job. I don't want a man to have ro support me.

 

I want to be able to support myself, pay HALF of the rent and living expenses and treat my boyfriend to gifts now and again.

 

I enjoy being pampered and spoilt. Gifting is my main love language. I don't feel ENTITLED-- I am not FORCING men with differring views than me to date me?

 

I an honest with men regarding my me being a bit of a princess. I don't expect anything. I only date men who know who I really am and accept it and WANT to spoil me.

[Leigh 87]

You said above that you only pay $200 a month for the phone bills even though you make several hundred a week. So you aren't equally paying rent and living expenses, are you? He is shouldering nearly the entire burden.

 

Yes I am very lucky.

 

He didn't want me to work fulltime while studying.

 

Before we moved in together we discussed it. And he actually labelled it " disgusting " to be able to support your college student partner yet choose NOT to and try to push them into full time work.

 

Where I come from, most people would find a guy out of line if he had the audacity to beg a girl to move in with him, knowing she was study a demanding degree and being able to afford to support her her but actually WANTING her to work 30 hoursa week on top of 40 to 50 hours study.

 

All decent men would support their college student partner if they could afford it.

 

I am lucky that I found a decent guy! And I pay as much as I can. I buy my own food and coffes at college, transport and pay for our phone bill. When I have enough savings I buy him gifts of appreciation.

 

I do work and save it for US, for an emergency fund. I spend maybe 50 a fortnight on beautiful treatments and 60 a week on groceries for myself.

 

I know he's decent for support me. But I do my bit in commensurate to my income.

[Leigh 87]

Oookaaaayyy...

 

Tell me why we are still talking about his wages, your attractiveness, your friend's boyfriend, and not being able to wear evening dresses to fancy dinners again???

 

Shouldn't this be a much more serious problem than all of the above combined and multiplied by 10????

 

He is a wonderful and sensative guy who has had horrendous things done to him.

 

We connected on that level. We are both a bit different and extra empathetic and therfore attracted bad people in our lives.

 

He refuses to seek help for it at this stage.

 

Then again a lotof people suffer trauma without seekingprofessional help. Professional help personality benefits me but my bf isn't into seeking it out for himself.

 

He doesn't like to go out much and is a home body and prefers spending all his free time at home with me and the dog. And even my naughty cat who he playfully has a love hate relationship with but clearly only loves because she is an attachment of me.

 

I have to learn to respect his wants and needs more.

 

He has actually apologized for beinglasy on the romantic front. He says he is very happy to take me out every other week and that he is just so content with me that he doesn't feel the need to have to do fancy things just to spend time together.

[Els]

He is a wonderful and sensative guy who has had horrendous things done to him.

 

I don't mean that he's in the wrong or that you should leave him. I meant, why are you mentioning this so late in the thread and your first post was all about how much he makes, your attractiveness, and what your friend's bf buys her? Don't you think his anxiety and PTSD is much more relevant to the situation at hand than all of the above?

 

Also, does he know you are posting such personal details about him on a public forum with your real-life picture up as an avatar that is visible to all? I understand that this forum is made for that purpose, but have you ever thought of what he would go through if he was on the road to recovery and someone who knows either of you comes across this?

 

And I pay as much as I can. I buy my own food and coffes at college

 

I really don't think anyone thought that he was giving you lunch money for college.

[Ferret]

I kind of thought I saw the OP talking about wanting a child with this man in another thread? was that you OP? kids are expensive IF you do that you realise you will pretty much have no choice but to live on a tight budget getting spoiled and having extravagant date nights will not be in the cards..for many years at least..

[ExpatInItaly]

My honest take on this is that you're not actually as in love with him as you say you are. Thus, you are finding fault and magnifying what seems to be a relatively minor issue, compared with all the other things this man does for you.

 

Also, because you have such a poor self-image, you are attaching this "fault" onto your perception of yourself which reaffirms your belief that you're somehow not good enough. Hence the emphasis on your and your friend's looks, which shows up not only in this thread but others as well.

 

You don't need to convince us he's a good man. But you seem to be trying to convince yourself.

 

I don't meant to offend you, Leigh. I know you've had a rough go of things in the past. But I think you need to step back and gain some perspective here and ask yourself where your priorities are. If you don't, you could lose this guy.

 

Also, as someone else pointed it, it's not a good idea to broadcast his personal business (the Youtube episodes) on an internet while publishing your true identity. I don't imagine he would appreciate that.

[Leigh 87]

My honest take on this is that you're not actually as in love with him as you say you are. Thus, you are finding fault and magnifying what seems to be a relatively minor issue, compared with all the other things this man does for you.

 

Also, because you have such a poor self-image, you are attaching this "fault" onto your perception of yourself which reaffirms your belief that you're somehow not good enough. Hence the emphasis on your and your friend's looks, which shows up not only in this thread but others as well.

 

You don't need to convince us he's a good man. But you seem to be trying to convince yourself.

 

I don't meant to offend you, Leigh. I know you've had a rough go of things in the past. But I think you need to step back and gain some perspective here and ask yourself where your priorities are. If you don't, you could lose this guy.

 

Also, as someone else pointed it, it's not a good idea to broadcast his personal business (the Youtube episodes) on an internet while publishing your true identity. I don't imagine he would appreciate that.

 

 

Definitely in love here.

 

I am just spoilt.

 

The reality is, I'd sleep in a cardboard box with him rather than loose him.

 

I've had rich guys. Who had nice personalities. I strongly prefer being spoilt but I pick true love over riches any day.

[Leigh 87]

I kind of thought I saw the OP talking about wanting a child with this man in another thread? was that you OP? kids are expensive IF you do that you realise you will pretty much have no choice but to live on a tight budget getting spoiled and having extravagant date nights will not be in the cards..for many years at least..

 

 

 

I will have a good job as a podiatrist, he'll be on a decent wage and my mum is going to be the daycare. ....

 

We won't have a mortgage to pay off.

 

We'll he able to have kids without living paycheck to paycheck if ot goes to plan and we are all healthy.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I do get a few hundred a week from my weekend job which I use to pay the phone bill. I pay 200 a month for 2 latest smart phones and plans for us both. He pays weekly rent of 350.

 

I thought you had no rent because you live at your parents' flat?

[lana-banana]

So your biggest obstacle isn't his trauma and social phobias, but the fact that said phobia means you don't get dressed up as often? Okay, I'll try not to pass judgment on your priorities. If getting dolled up and spoiled is so critical to you, more critical than your boyfriend's psychological well-being, you need to date someone who makes an effort to meet that priority. The end.

 

I can't believe this needs to be said, but while you are more than free to use your real name, birth year and picture on a website with frank discussions of sex and dating, you could at least try to show more respect for your boyfriend's privacy. This is doubly true because he's already struggling with severe anxiety about being exposed on the Internet and here you are doing it again. Didn't you say he was a recovering addict? This is a really vulnerable guy. The amount of personally identifiable information you've offered (location, course of study, etc) could be dangerous to you both.

 

I also think your obsessive comparisons to your friend---who you remind us in almost every post is a gorgeous girl who shares 10/10 compatibility and chemistry with her handsome, wealthy boyfriend---is a bit out of control. You are in completely different situations, so comparing yourselves about this is even less useful. Seek out advice from other low-income couples and see how they manage inexpensive date nights.

Edited March 18, 2016 by lana-banana

[Ferret]

I will have a good job as a podiatrist, he'll be on a decent wage and my mum is going to be the daycare. ....

 

We won't have a mortgage to pay off.

 

We'll he able to have kids without living paycheck to paycheck if ot goes to plan and we are all healthy.

 

What about taxes on the home/land? food bills diapers medical needs various kinds of insurances if your going to work as a doctor you will need medical insurance what about saving up for the kids later schooling? and the things they need while in school/clothing and so on.

 

Then you have utility bills phone internet heating and cooling/gas/water/garbage/sewage..just cause you might get lucky and not have a mortgage dose not mean it will be a bargain deal sorry not trying to be a downer it just seams your kinda use to a extravagant life style..

 

And why would your mother want to be the full time day care I don't get that that's a lot to ask..

[Haydn]

Date nights don`t have to be big things with a loved one.

 

Most of us are `cream crackered` after a hard days work...

 

A good movie...

 

A game of scrabble.

 

A `spot the submarine` game. (Obviously some alcohol my be needed)

 

A `Book at bedtime`

 

An `Indian takeaway` (My Fave)

 

A conversation......

[MidwestUSA]

 

And why would your mother want to be the full time day care I don't get that that's a lot to ask..

 

 

My thought exactly. My mom's job is done. I would never, ever, have thought of it.

 

And my stepdaughter knows where we stand. Babysit and spoil? Yes. Daycare? Just no.

[Leigh 87]

Date nights don`t have to be big things with a loved one.

 

Most of us are `cream crackered` after a hard days work...

 

A good movie...

 

A game of scrabble.

 

A `spot the submarine` game. (Obviously some alcohol my be needed)

 

A `Book at bedtime`

 

An `Indian takeaway` (My Fave)

 

A conversation......

 

 

 

Oh I prefer takeaway and moves snd cuddles.

 

We have amazing chemistry and ot always feels like we first met.

 

I just wanted OCCASIONAL date nights.

 

Occasional.

 

To me being spoint is also about the love and adoration and quality time and all that jazz...

 

And whileI have a penchant for generous guys, with their money, I do realize that he can't afford the same lifestyle my friend has with her well off bf.

[Leigh 87]

My thought exactly. My mom's job is done. I would never, ever, have thought of it.

 

And my stepdaughter knows where we stand. Babysit and spoil? Yes. Daycare? Just no.

 

Not full time daycare.

 

Mum has stressed that she WANTS to take care of a future child.

 

I wouldn't dream of getting her to take care of baby full time. .. 3 days a week saves us more than enough on childcare.

 

We both agree and have similar views on child rearing from what we gather so far.

[Leigh 87]

What about taxes on the home/land? food bills diapers medical needs various kinds of insurances if your going to work as a doctor you will need medical insurance what about saving up for the kids later schooling? and the things they need while in school/clothing and so on.

 

Then you have utility bills phone internet heating and cooling/gas/water/garbage/sewage..just cause you might get lucky and not have a mortgage dose not mean it will be a bargain deal sorry not trying to be a downer it just seams your kinda use to a extravagant life style..

 

And why would your mother want to be the full time day care I don't get that that's a lot to ask..

 

 

We are going to be able to have kids and also avoid living hand to mouth.

 

We won't be rich but I never said that ai expect extravagant living with babies on board.

 

I have lived overseas and travelled the world as has my partner. All we want for our children is to take them overseas once or twice in their lifetime and have job security and a few non necessities like nice make up, gadgets and things for my bf, the occasional date night once a month and a comfortable life for the kids or kids.

 

I definitely don't need weekly fancy dates when baby comes along. Lol!

 

On two comfortable incomes, as a podiatrist and experienced truck driver, we shouldn't be living paycheck to paycheck with absolutely no non necessities.

 

This is Australia. LOL. Not America where college grads live paycheck to paycheck with no money leftover despite being professionals. Australia has a better standard of living.

[Toodaloo]

And look, this isn't necessarily directed at the OP, but this is the kind of nonsense that do independent, hard-working women no favors when it comes to how women in general are perceived by men. I find it deeply sad how these women are unfairly lumped in with those who have the mindset that, as a woman, you are entitled to constant lavish gifts and gestures simply for dating someone.

 

Thank you.

[Toodaloo]

This is Australia. LOL. Not America where college grads live paycheck to paycheck with no money leftover despite being professionals. Australia has a better standard of living.

 

Leigh.

 

You know how some of us are always banging on about education and learning and bettering yourself...

 

This is an unsubtle hint. Educate yourself.