Lack Of Dates

[todreaminblue]

hey leigh if hi8s trauma is making him prefer home date nights which it could well be why not suggest a secluded place like a moonlit walk along a beach.....where you can wear a pretty flowy silky dress and look amazing in the moonlight..walk along the sand feel the white wash between your toes...chuck him in the water...kidding....

 

and after wards after a romantic walk...full of fresh air and possibility.. go back to your place hire out here to eternity on netflix with a big bucket of popcorn between you...so you get to go out with him and wear your dress and he gets to stay inside the same date too....just an idea to combat the possible agoraphobia he might suffer from..deb

[MidwestUSA]

 

This is Australia. LOL. Not America where college grads live paycheck to paycheck with no money leftover despite being professionals. Australia has a better standard of living.

 

Sweeping generalizations do not make for fact.

 

If I understand from your other posts, your cost of living is extremely high. For what you pay in rent, I own a home. On a piece of land. On one income. And live quite nicely. Thank you for your concern tho.

[scorpiogirl]

hey leigh if hi8s trauma is making him prefer home date nights which it could well be why not suggest a secluded place like a moonlit walk along a beach.....where you can wear a pretty flowy silky dress and look amazing in the moonlight..walk along the sand feel the white wash between your toes...chuck him in the water...kidding....

 

and after wards after a romantic walk...full of fresh air and possibility.. go back to your place hire out here to eternity on netflix with a big bucket of popcorn between you...so you get to go out with him and wear your dress and he gets to stay inside the same date too....just an idea to combat the possible agoraphobia he might suffer from..deb

 

But then nobody will see her dress

[Summer3]

You are putting WAY too much of your self worth, happiness etc onto your physical looks. And that somehow men should throw money at you if you look a certain way. BLECH!!

 

 

I am a bit jaded perhaps. My sister is drop dead gorgeous. And she has a WONDERFUL husband, nice guy, has quite the trust fund, and she never wants for anything. Travel, jewelry, new houses... all at her finger tips.

 

 

You do realize you just proved the OP's point:

 

Beautiful women get everything.

 

The OP is worried that she'll miss out on all life has to offer because she isn't a perfect 10 and you just gave her an example of how society works.

 

Fair no, but valid.

[Ferret]

We are going to be able to have kids and also avoid living hand to mouth.

 

We won't be rich but I never said that ai expect extravagant living with babies on board.

 

I have lived overseas and travelled the world as has my partner. All we want for our children is to take them overseas once or twice in their lifetime and have job security and a few non necessities like nice make up, gadgets and things for my bf, the occasional date night once a month and a comfortable life for the kids or kids.

 

I definitely don't need weekly fancy dates when baby comes along. Lol!

 

On two comfortable incomes, as a podiatrist and experienced truck driver, we shouldn't be living paycheck to paycheck with absolutely no non necessities.

 

This is Australia. LOL. Not America where college grads live paycheck to paycheck with no money leftover despite being professionals. Australia has a better standard of living.

 

Actually I lived over that part of the world and yes while the medical and insurance end might be better the actual cost of living is much higher IE grocery's and all common everyday living!

 

I saw poverty there too so I don't know about a so much better "standard of living" for the average Joe..and if hes a truck driver unless hes local hes going to be gone for long stretches at a time..

[okc85]

I wondered what became of Leigh 87 ...

 

lol.

[katiegrl]

 

I can't believe this needs to be said, but while you are more than free to use your real name, birth year and picture on a website with frank discussions of sex and dating,

 

 

*** you could at least try to show more respect for your boyfriend's privacy.

 

 

This is doubly true because he's already struggling with severe anxiety about being exposed on the Internet and here you are doing it again. Didn't you say he was a recovering addict? This is a really vulnerable guy. The amount of personally identifiable information you've offered (location, course of study, etc) could be dangerous to you both.

 

 

^^Quoted again for emphasis!

 

Leigh I am on your side hun, .....I know you mean well and that your love language is "gifting" which is just as relevant as any of the other five love languages, but would you please address the above and let us know what you're thinking?

[No_Go]

When you said he got really upset I hope you don't mean abusive in some way - if so, take care of your safety first!

 

Regarding weekends home drinking beers and ciders and gambling - I'd be VERY upset at that. Does he have addictions? You mentioned before he was blackout drunk when he had the episode with your friend - is that blackout drinking frequent, especially at home? If so - it IS a big problem...

 

I had an alcoholic ex and he masked with explanations about his social anxiety his desire to stay home to drink- drinked a 12 pack a day easily....

 

Regarding dressing up: please, don't let me tell you, you can do it EVERY day - while running errands, going to school, even at home for fun. I don't understand why you need an occasion to dress up nicely.

 

Regarding money: you're shooting yourself in the foot of you want future with him (kids etc), but expect him to splash.

 

Otherwise maybe you can change the dynamics by taking him out and treating him to meals etc every once in a while. He'll probably reciprocate.

 

Your female friend sound like a spoilt brat - if she's treated sooo well, why the guy didn't propose her to get married? I'm sure there is more that you don't know, she's just sharing the positives.

 

 

Hi all.

 

 

I am in a happy relationship but there is one tiny issue that bugs me.

 

 

Despite being an amazing boyfriend and being VERY generous, he just doesn't take me out on dates.

 

 

But quickly to begin with, let me express how fortunate I feel to pretty much have it all with him. He is equally flawed and has the same mental health issues as me so we get each other and help one another push through. People with mental illness know that you need someone on you level when it comes to dating, or else they just cannot deal with you nor truly understand you.

 

 

In spite of our issues, he works full time and is very hard working and reliable in terms of employment. He works hard for me so that I can attend college and not have to work - however, I have chosen to work weekends. He always offers to treat me to occasional beauty treatments since I am a broke student and he knows I once LOVED my beauty stuff! When we have gone to the mall for a walk about he has often treated me to dresses despite being on a very average wage.

 

 

I have struck gold and found the 10/10 chemistry AND fairly decent compatibility thus far! He makes me (we make each other) laugh constantly, we are both socially abhorrent and sociable introverts in much the same way! I am very quirky and tbh, not many peoples cup of tea -they say we are ALL different (technically, we are all different right?) but I truly AM a bit "different" from others. I have asperges syndrome and he absolutely adores me despite my left of centre personality.

 

 

We moved in together rather early and have the same values and goals so far....

 

 

The ONLY thing that is not the full package? (NOT that I am the full package myself mind you)...

 

 

..... Is that he doesn't take me out on dates. Maybe once every month or two. He prefers t order pizza in on weekends and cook during the week. I get that, he is not well off yet and is bottom of the ladder at his new semi trailer truck driving gig ( he is offered good incomes for other areas but wishes to drive large trucks for a living so is starting at the beginners salary.. AKA -- CR@P!) So without two full time incomes I get that it is tough, and he spoils me often enough but it bothers me that on weekends, he will spend a lot on beer, ciders and champagne for me and 20 dollars gambling yet we stay in without any dates or reasons for me to EVER get dressed up......

 

 

When I was overseas 1 month after knowing him, he sent me hundreds of dollars and surprised me at the airport by whisking me away to an expensive hotel for the weekend despite not being on a high wage.

 

 

So the guy is not a tight wadd ^^^^^. Clearly.

 

 

Now I am a very feminine girl, I love my dresses and I love occasional reasons to wear them. Currently they are growing cobwebs on them in my closet. I am a uni student and will be poor for some time so the little joys I get from putting nice dresses on, from when I worked full time and could afford such luxuries, means the world to me and brightens up my entire week!

 

 

My boyfriend says " well you are the most beautiful in the mornings anyway so I don't need you to get all dressed up because it makes no difference to me what you wear"

 

 

 

 

Now I know men are rather clueless..... Sure, they think we look great rolling out of bed but we sure don't feel attractive? Sometimes women just want to brush their teeth and wash their hair, shave their legs and get out of the house and make themselves look hot for a date? The times I have gone out and dressed up he was "wowed" and loved my dress choices. He absolutely loves all my fashion styles and has bought me a couple of dresses and skirts due to loving them on me so much!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

..So.....we had a fight because I was sick of approaching yet another weekend with nothing to look forward to but the same old drinking and watching movies - which I LOVE but not EVERY weekend - I would enjoy the occasional date, whereby I would still be excited about going home afterwards to watch movies.......

 

 

My friend says my boyfriend is not generous because her bf takes her on dates EVERY Friday AND Saturday night, treats her to breakfast out every day, as well as treating her to domestic travel 3 times a year and paying for absolutely everything. When they walk around malls her bf dislikes her ever pulling out her wallet for anything.

My friend says it makes my bf not very generous that he has money for a lot of beer and ciders and my champagne yet chooses to not take me on dates, and to just drink at home instead.

 

 

The thing is, my friend is beautiful; she can hold out for the full package. I am a lot less attractive than her so I figure that I cannot have it all in a man. The fact I got the fireworks and a man I am wildly attracted to (and him me) AND compatibility, is very rare as it stands...... I KNOW I am being unreasonable for wanting to have IT ALL - the dates and the small stuff.

 

 

Was I in the wrong for telling him that I wasn't keen to continue weekends of hanging at home?

 

 

 

How do I apologise for complaining about lack of dates?

 

 

Was I totally in the wrong for bringing it up?

 

 

What is the best way for us to go about our differing ways in which we want t spend the weekends?

 

 

And lastly: I feel undesirable and unattractive when he doesn't take me on dates - because all the beautiful women I have ever known have ALL been wined and dined and NEVER had to put up with men that didn't WANT to take them out and treat them to dates.

 

 

The above ^^^ is totally irrational as he shows me daily how attracted he is to me. I just want to be taken out, darn it...... I grew up ugly with bad teeth and now as a cute (but not beautiful) adult, I am mildly attractive and would like a bt of special treatment that I never got growing up (I was told that I was too unattractive to ever get a guy much less be taken out and treated to special dates).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Any suggestions on how to deal?

 

 

Just suck it up and learn to enjoy a dateless relationship, or can we meet somewhere in the middle?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Help He is really upset by the way I brought it up.....

[mcjordan]

Maybe if he diverts some of his dress and tuition money to dates he can take you out more....

[Blanco]

Maybe if he diverts some of his dress and tuition money to dates he can take you out more....

 

Yeah, but that doesn't help with the real issue: Keeping up with her friend.

[ExpatInItaly]

Definitely in love here.

 

I am just spoilt.

 

The reality is, I'd sleep in a cardboard box with him rather than loose him.

 

I've had rich guys. Who had nice personalities. I strongly prefer being spoilt but I pick true love over riches any day.

 

I don't see how paying for your tuition doesn't count as spoiling you?

 

You've been clear that he doesn't make a ton of money. But he is funding your education. That's pretty darn generous of him, and it's obvious why you aren't going on more outings if he's investing in your schooling. Where is that extra money going to come from?

[Blanco]

This is another pratfall of someone expecting to be spoiled: Their standard of what constitutes "normal" becomes warped. Nice gestures, small gifts, etc. from their partner all shrink in their significance, becoming something of expected baseline treatment rather than things to be genuinely grateful for.

 

The results are scenarios where people who are having their higher education paid for on top of regularly receiving gifts being oblivious enough to sincerely question why their partner doesn't do "more" for them. And "more" in these cases are usually tied to $$$.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh.

 

You know how some of us are always banging on about education and learning and bettering yourself...

 

This is an unsubtle hint. Educate yourself.

 

I've been to both the UK and America.

 

The US student loan crisis DOES mean that many more new grads end up living paycheck to paycheck despite professional jobs. The loan repayments are higher than Aus...

 

Trust me. I have spoken to Americans who say that college and life post college is way more crappy than in Aus.

 

I hear this stuff right from the horses mouth.

 

I was telling that poster that as a podiatrist and him as an experienced truck driver ( with loads of other highly employable skills and trades under his belt should that industry ever go bust. Whichit won't) ---- that we intend to have 1 or 2 kids and still have a small disposable income.

 

In Australia, people who have decent degrees and incomes don't generally live paycheck to paycheck; people on 75k plus tend to have a little left over to spend on themselves. Where as Americans in professional jobs don't tend to have aby disposable income.

 

I met heaaaaps pf Americans who had NEVER EVEN BEEN OVERSEAS despite a keen interest in doing as such- they were professionals yet they NEVER were able to save the 10K to travel despite being childless and in their 50s.

 

So yeah, that poster was a littlw misguided when he assumes that kids will mean we won't have any disposable income. Because professionals and skilled workers in Australia don't make do with the bare minimums; they tend to have families and also some money left overfor occasionally treats.

[elaine567]

It all boils down to the fact that if you want expensive gifts, dressed up dates, wining, fine dining and an "unlimited" source of cash to splash, do not get involved with a man who is happy driving large trucks for a living

[Leigh 87]

He took me out for a fancy dinner last night.

 

He listens and acts on things that bug me.

 

The truth is, the food is always overpriced, the place was loud and despite the restaurant being the place where we shared our first drink on our first date, I enjoy an evening at home more.

 

It was so not worth the 220 dollars!

 

I love a good steak but I would have enjoyed that 200 plus going towards a fun day out seeing a free art gallery, getting ice cream, seeing a movie and having noodles take away- all which would have been less than 150.

 

Restaurants are so not worth it unless they have magnificent ambience and food.

 

So that's that.

 

And lastly...he doesn't pay my tuition. He pays rent. NORMAL men here don't expect nor want full time students to work full time. He pays rent so I can focus on studying. I choose to work. Am leaving at 5am now on Saturday morning to work.

 

I get government money plus my work money. We aquire a 30 ish K loan and get our living paid for but it isn't enough to live on so students work. Many work more than me but thanks to my boyfriend I don't have to work but prefer to one day a week.

 

I am very greatful but most normal men who have the means ro support their college girlfriend, do so and wouldn't prefer that she work full time as this is not what people here believe student ls should be doing for the most part.

 

I am taking my pictures down because I am scared for his identity now. Although my Facebook is is on private as it is. I was just giving context as to qhy he isn't into dates in public.

[Leigh 87]

It all boils down to the fact that if you want expensive gifts, dressed up dates, wining, fine dining and an "unlimited" source of cash to splash, do not get involved with a man who is happy driving large trucks for a living

 

Dangerous goods drivers get 130k a year?

 

Many large truck jobs pay100k a year?

 

I know truckies who afford overseas trips and fancy cars.

 

You can earn a comfortable income as a larger truck driver.

[TheArtist]

The problem I'm seeing here is that people will always live to their income. I've heard of doctors who manage to spend their wage every month and still struggle to get by. Generally people do indeed spend everything they have, but it seems to me that you will always want just that little bit more money as you are quite focused on figures and numbers.

 

What I'm trying to say is that if someone earns 100k, they generally require 100k to live their lifestyle, and it's only a problem when they try to keep up with someone who is seemingly doing better than they are.

 

Overspending is everywhere and I don't think I know anyone that isn't in some kind of debt, whether that's buying things on credit cards or borrowing to pay off a new TV because they saw an advert for a 'better' one.

 

Good luck with it all, but honestly, money is not the key to happiness.

[Leigh 87]

I just want to reiterate. ..

 

Yes I need to be spoiled but I don't need a rich guy or always expensive treats.

 

The fact he adores me and gives me so much attention and love and quality time are more important. Generosity is key and I cannot stand men that split the check but it is not like I don't spoil men back; I am very generous to the men I date.

 

Wanting to be spoilt and for a man to foot the bill on dates doesn't mean we are gold diggers and it doesn't mean we don't enjoy returning the favour occasionally or buying them treats also.

 

I enjoy getting out of the house more and having some effort spent on romance and occasions where I dress up.

 

After last night's efforts I really would prefer nights in and day outings with fancy places reserved for when I feel he has 200 to throw around; just because he did it, that doesn't mean I feel comfortable with it. I'd prefer him to save it and wait until he gets a bettwe job before splurging on that much.

[mattelipstick]

I am taking my pictures down

 

I find this hard to believe.

[No_Go]

Um, I'd hate to play detective, but there are <11 h between this post and the last post, so I think fancy dinner may have not have happened

 

Anyways, if he had so much money up in his sleeve I don't see why he was witholding going out with you? Something really doesn't add up

 

Also why paying weekly rent if you live with your parents apartment? (not saying it's a bad idea, I'd ask my kids to do the same one day to learn responsible living)..

 

And how is he supporting you if you pay food, transport, your stuff, tuition etc yourself? Plus you pay some of his bills and treat him reciprocally in your words.

 

All doesn't make any sense now...

 

He took me out for a fancy dinner last night.

 

He listens and acts on things that bug me.

 

The truth is, the food is always overpriced, the place was loud and despite the restaurant being the place where we shared our first drink on our first date, I enjoy an evening at home more.

 

It was so not worth the 220 dollars!

 

I love a good steak but I would have enjoyed that 200 plus going towards a fun day out seeing a free art gallery, getting ice cream, seeing a movie and having noodles take away- all which would have been less than 150.

 

Restaurants are so not worth it unless they have magnificent ambience and food.

 

So that's that.

 

And lastly...he doesn't pay my tuition. He pays rent. NORMAL men here don't expect nor want full time students to work full time. He pays rent so I can focus on studying. I choose to work. Am leaving at 5am now on Saturday morning to work.

 

I get government money plus my work money. We aquire a 30 ish K loan and get our living paid for but it isn't enough to live on so students work. Many work more than me but thanks to my boyfriend I don't have to work but prefer to one day a week.

 

I am very greatful but most normal men who have the means ro support their college girlfriend, do so and wouldn't prefer that she work full time as this is not what people here believe student ls should be doing for the most part.

 

I am taking my pictures down because I am scared for his identity now. Although my Facebook is is on private as it is. I was just giving context as to qhy he isn't into dates in public.

[Blanco]

Good luck with it all, but honestly, money is not the key to happiness.

 

Superficial beauty is obviously the key to happiness. We're all just one cosmetic procedure away from true contentment!

[clia]

I'm so confused. There is a ton of middle ground between staying home and going out for a $220 dinner.

[normal person]

Yes I need to be spoiled but I don't need a rich guy or always expensive treats.

 

The fact he adores me and gives me so much attention and love and quality time are more important. Generosity is key and I cannot stand men that split the check but it is not like I don't spoil men back; I am very generous to the men I date.

 

Wanting to be spoilt and for a man to foot the bill on dates doesn't mean we are gold diggers and it doesn't mean we don't enjoy returning the favour occasionally or buying them treats also.

 

I enjoy getting out of the house more and having some effort spent on romance and occasions where I dress up.

 

 

Interesting thread, certainly food for thought. At what point in a relationship do we have to just have to say "things aren't perfect, but they're really good. I could always have more, but I'm not unhappy, so I'll learn to deal?" At what point do we just have to accept the fact that our lives and relationships might never be as we idealize them? And what's your plan to reconcile this sort of thing if you never get everything you want in life? You certainly have a right to try and get everything that will make you happy in life. But at what point is it impractical? Your partner and your life will never be without problems, issues, disagreements, etc. At some point you might just have to compromise.

 

Sweeping generalizations do not make for fact.

 

If I understand from your other posts, your cost of living is extremely high. For what you pay in rent, I own a home. On a piece of land. On one income. And live quite nicely. Thank you for your concern tho.

 

If I recall, this hasn't been the first time she's mentioned a distaste for America. To each their own. I've made a great life for myself and that wouldn't have been possible in any other country. The same lifestyle that allows me to take a woman out and needlessly spend my hard earned money on her dinners, dresses, vacations -- you know, all the stuff OP expects just "because."

[ExpatInItaly]

This thread is very confusing.

 

Leigh, you first stated you want to be spoiled and that you want more dates.

You apparently got exactly that.

Now you don't want that.

 

I think you need to be clearer with yourself on what you actually want. Because it seems you have no idea. He is eventually going to tire of trying to figure out what the heck actually pleases you.

[Ferret]

I've been to both the UK and America.

 

The US student loan crisis DOES mean that many more new grads end up living paycheck to paycheck despite professional jobs. The loan repayments are higher than Aus...

 

Trust me. I have spoken to Americans who say that college and life post college is way more crappy than in Aus.

 

I hear this stuff right from the horses mouth.

 

I was telling that poster that as a podiatrist and him as an experienced truck driver ( with loads of other highly employable skills and trades under his belt should that industry ever go bust. Whichit won't) ---- that we intend to have 1 or 2 kids and still have a small disposable income.

 

In Australia, people who have decent degrees and incomes don't generally live paycheck to paycheck; people on 75k plus tend to have a little left over to spend on themselves. Where as Americans in professional jobs don't tend to have aby disposable income.

 

I met heaaaaps pf Americans who had NEVER EVEN BEEN OVERSEAS despite a keen interest in doing as such- they were professionals yet they NEVER were able to save the 10K to travel despite being childless and in their 50s.

 

So yeah, that poster was a littlw misguided when he assumes that kids will mean we won't have any disposable income. Because professionals and skilled workers in Australia don't make do with the bare minimums; they tend to have families and also some money left overfor occasionally treats.

Sweet jeebus what kind of travel are you doing? 10k? I traveled all over your end of the world for way less then that..I guess that goes back to the kind of lifestyle you want..I also knew "professionals" over there one of my good friends friends was a full time teacher with a child and she was just living a tiny bit over pay check to pay check and she only rented a modest flat..

 

The Docs seamed comfortable but not living exorbitantly unless your going to go into private practice I guess but the public ones seamed to be rather down to earth..im not misguided im actuality rather informed and have wordily experience but hey its your life an if you think you can have kids and live extravagantly then go for it..I wont be the one being disappointed in the end..