MissCongeniality Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 Okay so my oldest is very smart and perceptive she always has been so I've always been straight with her. For a while in the beginning it was just us and I didn't exactly teach her the best morals but back then I did what I felt I had to. Anyway she grew up knowing things she probably shouldn't have nothing bad but in hindsight she probably had to grow up faster than most kids. I was able to speak to her and her siblings and while they don't know what's going on she seems more than aware of it. I think she might have even had something to do with him finding out. I don't want to accuse her but she's more okay with the idea of me divorcing her step dad than me working things out with him. Her step dad and her don't get a long I think he tried to bond with her when she was younger but just gave up. The sad thing is she's not close with her siblings she's like a bully to them sometimes and is always blaming them for how she acts. He talks about her like she's my soul responsibility it's always "Your daughter got detention to day." or something like that. He's very different with our other three kids. Most kids are terrified at the idea there parents might get divorced (my other three kids have no idea whats been going on) but my daughter is the opposite she actually would rather my husband take her three younger siblings and for it to be just her and me. I'm starting to worry she's imitating my worst traits just because she thinks that's cool. I mean she told me she knows what I do and thinks I'm amazing because of it (I don't even know how she could know that) I mean how do I explain my job to her? Did I let her grow up to fast? How do I get her to grow closer with her siblings? Is my husband right about her being my responsibility? Should I give up on her and her step dad having a relationship? I'm moving back in to my house tonight and these are things I definitely need to address but need serious advice. Do I be up front with her? What is the best way to handle this? Do I address immediately or wait for things to settle down? Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 How old is your daughter? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissCongeniality Posted March 17, 2016 Author Share Posted March 17, 2016 How old is your daughter? recently turned 14 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 That's not her father. He apparently doesn't treat her like a father. Definitely doesn't refer to her as a father would. Her response seems to be normal to me. I'd be concerned if she responded differently. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 In my opinion that's quite a young age to be aware of your profession. And she knew this while your husband didn't and was supposed to keep it a secret? As for the whole step dad bit. Every family handles it differently. How old was she when you married? For instance my dad remarried when I was 13 - step mom was never "mom" to me. I was my dad's responsibility, he handed out the discipline and rules, she didn't. I got along with her just fine, but she didn't hold a parenting role in my life. By contrast, my half siblings were 6 and 7 when my dad married my mom, and he became their father in everyway. Including legally adopting them. Even though they are now in their 40s he is still "dad". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissCongeniality Posted March 17, 2016 Author Share Posted March 17, 2016 In my opinion that's quite a young age to be aware of your profession. And she knew this while your husband didn't and was supposed to keep it a secret? As for the whole step dad bit. Every family handles it differently. How old was she when you married? For instance my dad remarried when I was 13 - step mom was never "mom" to me. I was my dad's responsibility, he handed out the discipline and rules, she didn't. I got along with her just fine, but she didn't hold a parenting role in my life. By contrast, my half siblings were 6 and 7 when my dad married my mom, and he became their father in everyway. Including legally adopting them. Even though they are now in their 40s he is still "dad". She was pretty young when I married him. I didn't even know she knew what I did for a living. I just meant I think she told him the real reason I married him but it's likely after she found out what I did she could have told him. I mean I've done other work that is similar and she'd find out because kids would make fun of her for it but she'd never find it out from me but I always explained it in a way she could understand but that was years ago. I have no idea how to have that talk to a teenager. Also I don't think that's too young I mean I knew about things like that when I was her age okay granted I didn't grow up in a stable home so I see your point there. Still she has this way of finding out things and I'm just left surprised half the time I think it's primarily because kids these days have such easy access to information. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 recently turned 14 Way too young to know your profession. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissCongeniality Posted March 17, 2016 Author Share Posted March 17, 2016 Way too young to know your profession. Well it's not like I wanted her to find out I didn't even know she knew. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 Well if its any consolation, I don't know your profession and I am miffed to even inquire. Your Daughter definitely exudes angst. Curb it now. She is responsible for her attitude and behavior. Respect is a two way street. The Step Dad is no doubt keeping his distance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 The sad thing is she's not close with her siblings she's like a bully to them sometimes and is always blaming them for how she acts. Time to teach her kindness, mindfulness, giving, be loving, gentle, compassionate, understanding etc... If she is acting like a spoiled brat and being a bully to her siblings, that has to stop! Sooner or later she's going to bully kids at school and then you'll get dragged into it too. Consequences. You are her mom so don't be her 'buddy' or 'friend'. She needs you to set rules and boundaries, not to be her confident. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 Why does your husband exclude her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 She is too young to understand your profession. It's going to mess with her head. How did other kids find out? I would be devastated if my kid was being made fun of because of that. I think you don't really understand what you are doing to her. She acts like she's cool with stuff now but when she gets older she's going to be talking about this in therapy. My strap father and I never really bonded either but when he and my mom had a baby I adored my little half brother. I understand your daughter not being attached to stepfather but find it rather odd that she also seems to have no attachment to her siblings. I think trouble is brewing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 She is too young to understand your profession. It's going to mess with her head. How did other kids find out? I would be devastated if my kid was being made fun of because of that. I think you don't really understand what you are doing to her. She acts like she's cool with stuff now but when she gets older she's going to be talking about this in therapy. My strap father and I never really bonded either but when he and my mom had a baby I adored my little half brother. I understand your daughter not being attached to stepfather but find it rather odd that she also seems to have no attachment to her siblings. I think trouble is brewing. I don't know what the OP does but I can tell you from experience that if she is a sex worker of any kind, her daughter is most definitely NOT too young to understand. My mother was a dominatrix, among other sex-related jobs, before she got sick and I understood completely. And that was before fetishes became so mainstream. Link to post Share on other sites
Phoenician Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 Dear , Ppl around you in society , like friends , neighbors , etc ... do they know your profession ? if they do , she needs to know about it ;because you don't want her to know from others ;if they don't then wait till she get older .... concerning her relationship with her step dad , who is obviously not really contributing in solutions ; I advise you to keep them distanced emotionally ; he is not supposed to be her friend ; and remember at the end that one day could divorce your hubby ; but will never divorce your daughter ... It is though confusing about your profession , the confusing part is why so many kids , how come still working though married ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissCongeniality Posted March 18, 2016 Author Share Posted March 18, 2016 I don't know what the OP does but I can tell you from experience that if she is a sex worker of any kind, her daughter is most definitely NOT too young to understand. My mother was a dominatrix, among other sex-related jobs, before she got sick and I understood completely. And that was before fetishes became so mainstream. I appreciate your in put I currently work as a dominatrix myself. I've worked as similar things over the years it's what I'm used to and only one friend of mine knows besides her and her husband (they only know because I went to them for help after my fight with my husband) other than them my siblings and husband know. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 I don't know what the OP does but I can tell you from experience that if she is a sex worker of any kind, her daughter is most definitely NOT too young to understand. My mother was a dominatrix, among other sex-related jobs, before she got sick and I understood completely. And that was before fetishes became so mainstream. I dunno. The subject of sex and parents can be tricky. Most kids, even teenagers, are kind of grossed out by the thought of their mother doing anything sexual. When I was little my mother was a prostitute and that's why I mostly lived with my grandma or other people. I grew up with issues around not being able to bond with people because of always being sent away to live with people other than my mother. My mom was just not ready to be a parent. Besides being a sex worker she was into drugs and she liked to party. So I had problems and resentments due to her not choosing me. I had no idea what she was doing I just thought she didn't want me. Still I am grateful that she kept that part of her life completely separate from me for as long as she could. I had it hard enough already. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 I don't know what the OP does but I can tell you from experience that if she is a sex worker of any kind, her daughter is most definitely NOT too young to understand. My mother was a dominatrix, among other sex-related jobs, before she got sick and I understood completely. And that was before fetishes became so mainstream. Besides, it doesn't matter what happened in your life or in my life, the OP is describing her daughter in a way that makes it sound like the daughter is developing issues. I think it's unhealthy for kids to feel like they have to keep secrets. If my mom had told me she was a prostitute and then I felt like I had to keep that a secret, and of course I would have kept it a secret because what kid is going to want their peers knowing that, it would have added another layer of dysfunction to my already dysfunctional life. The OPs own husband didn't know what the OP does for a living but her daughter does. So this girl has been raised knowing how to lie and deceive and she thinks it's normal. The OPs daughter bullies her siblings. That in itself isn't a big red flag. Most siblings fight at times and bullying should never be tolerated but it happens. More concerning is the daughters rather cold and detached feelings when it comes to her siblings. It seems like she has no love for them at all and the thought of her mom abandoning her siblings to her stepfather is appealing to her. There is something wrong with that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissCongeniality Posted March 19, 2016 Author Share Posted March 19, 2016 (edited) Besides, it doesn't matter what happened in your life or in my life, the OP is describing her daughter in a way that makes it sound like the daughter is developing issues. I think it's unhealthy for kids to feel like they have to keep secrets. If my mom had told me she was a prostitute and then I felt like I had to keep that a secret, and of course I would have kept it a secret because what kid is going to want their peers knowing that, it would have added another layer of dysfunction to my already dysfunctional life. The OPs own husband didn't know what the OP does for a living but her daughter does. So this girl has been raised knowing how to lie and deceive and she thinks it's normal. The OPs daughter bullies her siblings. That in itself isn't a big red flag. Most siblings fight at times and bullying should never be tolerated but it happens. More concerning is the daughters rather cold and detached feelings when it comes to her siblings. It seems like she has no love for them at all and the thought of her mom abandoning her siblings to her stepfather is appealing to her. There is something wrong with that. Your right and I worry about her I fear that I did screw her up for life. I didn't teach her the best of morals and I put a lot of stuff on her she probably didn't form a bond with her step father because I told her it wouldn't last long only I fell for my husband for real and it ended up being permanent. I think because of that she doesn't recognize anyone but me as family. She also reminds me of her father and that is not a good thing. When her father was around her age he also went through something similar(an obsessive attatchment) and I'm afraid it might be something genetic. Either way she's very codependent and her codependency is border line obsessive. Edited March 19, 2016 by MissCongeniality Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 19, 2016 Share Posted March 19, 2016 Your right and I worry about her I fear that I did screw her up for life. I didn't teach her the best of morals and I put a lot of stuff on her she probably didn't form a bond with her step father because I told her it wouldn't last long only I fell for my husband for real and it ended up being permanent. I think because of that she doesn't recognize anyone but me as family. She also reminds me of her father and that is not a good thing. When her father was around her age he also went through something similar(an obsessive attatchment) and I'm afraid it might be something genetic. Either way she's very codependent and her codependency is border line obsessive. It's not too late to change your ways and start being a better role model for her and teaching her morals and kindness, compassion and ethics. If what you do for a job is getting in the way of your daughters well being, then think about finding something else. Does your daughter need counseling? how about the two of you do family counseling together? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissCongeniality Posted March 19, 2016 Author Share Posted March 19, 2016 It's not too late to change your ways and start being a better role model for her and teaching her morals and kindness, compassion and ethics. If what you do for a job is getting in the way of your daughters well being, then think about finding something else. Does your daughter need counseling? how about the two of you do family counseling together? Honestly I don't know if she needs counseling I don't want to send her to a counselor because it might send a negative message and I don't trust counselors I've had bad experiences and I'm afraid she's going to tell someone something about our past and I'll lose her. It took a lot just for me to go to a therapist. I've thought about quitting but I can't because a lot of my self esteem comes from my job which is sad I know. My therapist thinks I'm a sex addict or something and the reason I can't quit is because supposedly I'm addicted to my job. Which doesn't make sense because BDSM isn't sex. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted March 19, 2016 Share Posted March 19, 2016 Honestly I don't know if she needs counseling I don't want to send her to a counselor because it might send a negative message and I don't trust counselors I've had bad experiences and I'm afraid she's going to tell someone something about our past and I'll lose her. It took a lot just for me to go to a therapist. I've thought about quitting but I can't because a lot of my self esteem comes from my job which is sad I know. My therapist thinks I'm a sex addict or something and the reason I can't quit is because supposedly I'm addicted to my job. Which doesn't make sense because BDSM isn't sex. So your daughter has to pay the price for your issues. She can't go to counselling because then she might actually open up and get help but that will tarnish your reputation (you probably won't lose her unless you have abused her or subjected her to abuse) and so we can't have that. No better she just keep stuffing it all up so that your image is safe. You can't quit your job and be a better role model and teach her better lessons because then you won't get your ego boost. Well to hell with her then!! What could be possibly more important then your self esteem? Certainly not her. Oh well I guess there's just nothing that can be done then. I guess your daughter can just suck it up because obviously what's good for her isn't as important as what's good for you. Why even bother talking about it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissCongeniality Posted March 19, 2016 Author Share Posted March 19, 2016 (edited) So your daughter has to pay the price for your issues. She can't go to counselling because then she might actually open up and get help but that will tarnish your reputation (you probably won't lose her unless you have abused her or subjected her to abuse) and so we can't have that. No better she just keep stuffing it all up so that your image is safe. You can't quit your job and be a better role model and teach her better lessons because then you won't get your ego boost. Well to hell with her then!! What could be possibly more important then your self esteem? Certainly not her. Oh well I guess there's just nothing that can be done then. I guess your daughter can just suck it up because obviously what's good for her isn't as important as what's good for you. Why even bother talking about it? That's not it! My nightmare is trusting someone with her again and her getting hurt again. She had a babysitter once and something bad happened to her and after that I swore I wouldn't trust her with someone until I was absolutely sure she would be safe. It's just very difficult for me to trust someone I don't know well with her. I know I seem possessive and controlling but everything I do is because I want to protect her. I get I'm not perfect but everything I do is for her but your right I am being selfish. I need to get her help and I will. Edited March 19, 2016 by MissCongeniality Link to post Share on other sites
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