2BeHappy Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 I found LoveShack several years ago while Googling "Divorce", spent countless hours reading personal, painful stories and decided I didn't want a divorce. Fast forward to today, my husband and I are now separated. I wish I made that move back then, but I was trying to hold things together for the kids. Most days I am ok with my decision to leave my husband. He has anger issues and I have learned that I am happier and more relaxed away from him. I spent countless more hours trying to figure out if the friendship I have with a coworker might be an emotional affair and I guess, since I'm posting on this forum, I have come to the conclusion it is. Long story short, we have only met outside of work once, at his house, with his family present. All very friendly. We communicate through texts and the odd email. It started out by sharing a website, recipe, or book recommendation and escalated to texting several times daily, first thing in the morning and late at night. We shared pictures, stories, poems we have written. He plays guitar and sings songs for me. All through text. There was never a sexual suggestion or inappropriate conversation. His wife is aware of our friendship and when I see her we talk about the same books, websites, etc that her husband and I have. He obviously shares some of our conversations with her, but I'm not sure about all.I have often felt guilty about the amount of time we spent texting but I enjoyed our conversations so much I pushed the guilt aside. My STBX has never liked this man and has asked me several times to stop being friends with him, and has long ago suspected we were sleeping together. He has sent him horrible messages in the past and again within the last 2 weeks. Today my husband was served a restraining order and a summons to appear in court. I knew this was happening as this man had enough harassment and wanted it to stop. What I didn't expect was my text conversations and emails with him were presented as evidence and that I may have to appear in court to testify against my husband. I feel like I was thrown under a bus. I told him as much this afternoon and his response was he thinks its unfair of me to feel that way and he wont be bothering me again. Knowing him, he means it and I will no longer hear from him. This scares me because he has helped me get through many lonely nights but I do want to take this opportunity to break this addiction or whatever it is I have for him. So that's what led me to share this story. I have read so many supportive messages and I feel that I may need encouragement to not contact him. Hope you can help! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 From the sounds of what you've written you're fortunate the friendship is ending. Imo, you (or any of us for that matter) don't need to have a close personal relationship with a married man. I guard against these type friendships as they can be a pathway into an EAs and/or PA. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 A friendship over a marriage is what's happened. Was it worth it???? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 Not sure you should feel thrown under a bus. Your friend has been there for you and he got harrased in return to the point where he has to go to court to end it. I'd think that you might empathize. Frankly, I'd still testify if that's what he needs to get rid of your baggage. Otherwise, yes, you need to cut off the "friendship" with this married man as it is inappropriate and dangerous. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 17, 2016 Share Posted March 17, 2016 As one door closes another door opens. The relationships with your husband and the other man need to end. Once all the wreckage is swept away, you will have the chance to establish a healthy and loving relationship with someone else. Always look forward, never look back. Take care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 I dont get it. You carried on a inappropriate relationship with this "married freind" that you enjoyed and your husband hated and NATURALLY was angry about. And as a result you seperated. He is angry at the MM and blames him for participating in the break uo of his marriage. And now you are going to testify against him. About what? The blame isnt entirely on your H. You played a part in this. You state that there is more than a freindship. That sounds awfully like a EA to me. Are you rewriting history? I disagree that you should testify against your husband since your hands are dirty too. Divorce and let the MM and his wife be. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 It's not enough for people on LS to tell you that you shouldn't contact him. I think that if you could identify where you're being dishonest with others and yourself, what's inappropriate or hurtful about your actions, and then be able to say this to anyone, including a judge, you'd go a lot further to being the person you probably want to and can be. A little dishonesty here, rug-sweeping there have allowed you to avoid the full measure of your accountability toward the people in this story: stbx blames the EA on the other guy instead of you;you seem to blame only your stbx for the harassment; you justified omitting elements of your friendship to his wife because you shared surface information. I think you would benefit from first looking objectively at your actions and connect the dots in your story about cause and effect - perhaps including the dissolution of your marriage? No contact is necessary now but probably out of your hands anyway. The coworker sounds done and the wife must know all by now as will your stbx. You might as well look at it all honestly yourself. It's your best hope for better relationships in the future. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 OP - Have you checked the laws in your state/country about testifying? Where I live a person legally can abstain from testifying against their spouse. So they could present the texts but they wouldn't be able to call you in court if you didn't want to be called. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 19, 2016 Share Posted March 19, 2016 My STBX has never liked this man and has asked me several times to stop being friends with him, and has long ago suspected we were sleeping together. He has sent him horrible messages in the past and again within the last 2 weeks. One easy test of an EA is whether you'd share the quantity and content of the communication with your spouse. Based on this, I'd guess "no". So yes, it's an affair - with a married man. Like others, I'm confused by your determination to be the victim. Lots of bad choices all around... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted March 20, 2016 Share Posted March 20, 2016 Yes you are in an affair. You have placed your "friend's" needs above your husband: the one person in your life to whom you are supposed be the most loyal. You have shown disrespect and disloyalty to your husband. You betrayed him. Link to post Share on other sites
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