My MM died in an accident

[kieraglass]

I used to post on here. I haven't in a long while.

 

In december, my MM gave me a huge diamond for christmas. This massive rock. Platinum, unreal, gorgeous. I was shocked. Amused, too. In my world, one gets divorced before doing such a thing. But he said, this is happening, it's coming, I'm spending the rest of my life with you soon. Accept it.

 

I was blown away. We had a month of conversations, him sharing his plans to leave. His kids were home on break and he was waiting til the coast was clear at the end of january. I was frightened. That whole be careful what you wish for thing. But moved. Nervous. Blown away. I loved him so very very much. I'd been through hell and back for him, it's all in my old posts, and the fact that he was about to take on his own battle for us was remarkable to me. It finally appeared to be about to happen. I'd like to say I was overjoyed, but you all understand the complexity of these things - I was very very scared. His wife is a juggernaut. For three and a half years he mentioned her infrequently, he was respectful, but when he did it was in tones of shock and awe. How dominant and powerful she is, how she made waitresses tearful, how he felt disturbed and humiliated by her tantrums, her entitled cruelty to others, to him. He told me once early on, my wife would eat you alive. You are the living antithesis of her. You are the sweetest most gentle thing.

 

I was moved, by his plans, the exorbitant ring, but I was terrified of the shtstorm that was so obviously about to go down, for him, and for me. I never wanted anyone hurt in this. Ironic, yes. I took all the hurt and never pushed for more because I didn't want her hurt. I was the human shield.

 

Two days after the last child home went back to school, my love died instantly in a car accident. No one knows what happened. I believe he suffered a medical emergency. The autopsy won't be back until April or may. It takes forever.

 

I could go on more, but there are no words to describe what these past weeks have been. I have never experienced a loss this deep and crushing in my life. I wept for days, was in a heap, had to function for my son and did, but when I was alone.... decimated.

 

They got into his other phone, his wife, his kids. My identity was revealed. His secret life exposed.

 

They came for me less than twenty four hours after his accident. First his oldest son, then his wife. They began calling and texting.

 

They had all our intimate photos, all our emails and voucemails and texts dating back years.

 

They demanded the ring.

 

He'd saved the receipt. It was ten thousand dollars.

 

I was harassed for weeks. The wife came and came and came until i could take no more and stopped trying to respond gently, I tried to be so gentle . It was devastating. I near lost my mind.

 

So much. So much.

 

I'm afraid to get into details.

 

I just wanted you all you know - think. If you're in an affair, think. Step out of the headiness of it, the drama, and think- what if something happens to him or her? What will come about?

 

I was exposed entirely. I felt psychically raped. The son was leaving me snarky voice mails using his father's pet name for me. The wife was demanding the ring. Saying it was hers, her children's, that I had no right to it.

 

I was the figure they burned in effigy. Without him here to attack, without him here to provide them answers, I was it, and they came and came.

 

I was unstrung. Couldn't bear to look at my phone. Couldn't grieve, couldn't breathe.

 

I stopped sleeping, stopped eating. Ended up on lorazapam for three weeks to function. Had to function for my little boy. And amazingly, I did. Somehow, I got off the floor, and went through the motions and lived. It was the most terrible thing. It's only been weeks, and i can't remember much. It's a blur of weeping and trying to hold it together. I came apart at the seams over and over. I was terrified of them, ashamed, over wrought, ..and soaked in grief.

 

If something tragic happens, this could be you. It will all come out.

 

This has been the worst two months of my life. I'm amazed I'm getting through it. I got a great new job two weeks ago, am moving from my mother's home, am holding my head up and LIVING for him, and for my son, because...i have to. It's time to pull my head out of my arse and make GOOD decisions now, for this child, and finally, for me.

 

I miss him every moment of every day.

 

They banned me from the services, told my lawyer, who called to tell them to stop harassing me, that i was not welcome there.

 

I had his child, who died prematurely. I went through hell and back for my honesty and my desperate need to live authentically. For him, and for us. And I never got to say a proper goodbye. As I shouldn't have. He was not mine. We were as close as two human beings could get, he told me all the time I was his very blood, but...i was nothing, in the end. Nothing at all.

 

I drove by his crowded wake playing his favorite song on my stereo, weeping, wearing a disguise. Terrified they would see me. I just wanted to be close to him one last time. I was in a daze, unable to breathe from grief. It felt like a dream. It still does.

 

. I didn't come here for sympathy. I came here to try and help even one person who is in this hell, or about to embark on it.

 

I sleep cradling his Bula ski hat. It still smells like him. I cannot believe this happened. But it did. And I'm going to come out stronger and wiser. No one will ever suggest that i could be eaten alive by another again.

 

I miss him so desperately I could shatter like glass.

 

I'm going to be okay. I have to be. I have no choice.

 

This has been unreal.

Edited March 17, 2016 by kieraglass

[SammySammy]

Wow.

 

My sincerest condolences for your loss. Though he was not officially yours, I can only imagine how traumatic this has been for you.

 

Other than reminding you the ring was a gift and you're entitled to it, I really don't know what else to say.

 

I just hope that over time you're able to heal and find peace.

[ladydesigner]

(((kieraglass))) I have no words. Sorry you are dealing with a loss and Dday and everything pilled on top. Keep on moving forward for your kiddo like you say and give that kid a big hug. My kids are my rock too.

 

I feel sorry for all the parties in your story and am sorry things ended the way they did.

[yodelwithyu]

I have no words. I cannot imagine what you are going through. I will be thinking of you. Please take care.

 

So much love,

Yodel

[Lady2163]

I'm so horrified and devastated for you, I don't even know where to start.

 

I don't know that you've actually asked for advice from Internet strangers, but I want to say, if you haven't given the ring to them (you aren't giving anything "back" it is yours, not theirs), DONT give them the ring.

 

I'm assuming wife didn't know he was having an affair. Her point of view as you well know by now is that a) she lost her husband b) he was having an affair c) he didn't love her anymore and was leaving her.

 

If she is one of those women who would eat you up and spit you out, she is coming at you with more emotions than most people can begin to fathom. She can't vent to him, so you are her target. God, that has to be unbearable for you.

 

From another perspective, I've often wondered about this happening. The XMM and I have been done for two years, but we still talk and text. Emails are rare, he uses a hotmail address that nobody knows about. It isn't saved on his tablet. I usually just send him funny stories and jokes. Sometimes I've had to tell him, "Check your email. There should be several piled up."

 

However, on my end, my email and folders are a simple tap on the tablet. I haven't deleted them. I don't know the last time I cleared my texts or call log. When we were still together, he cleared his immediately. He also checked with his phone provider and texts messages are not available. But the phone number from the texts is available.

 

I have mementos that I need to get rid of. The bottom line of all this is, if I died, my family would find out about him. If he died, I would expect a call asking who I was and other details. I'm not sure I could begin to mentally prepare for that conversation. We don't talk and text daily, but I would possibly find out about his death or illness by a stranger answering his phone. Again, not a conversation I could prepare for.

 

Your story is a warning label. It is more common than you realize. I read a book about affairs years ago and one of the many ways married people were caught was because of an accident that caused injury, serious injury or death.

 

I'm so sorry for your heartbreak and loss. I hope you have people who care about you and are able to provide you with love and support. You will be in my thoughts.

[Babsinhealing]

I'm so sorry for your loss- how terribly tragic. This scenario crossed my mind when I was deep in my A, but my fear was I would never know he died unless I saw it on the news. How awful you were denied a proper goodbye. I hope you find happiness and love again. Please take care of yourself!

[burnt]

I am so sorry. There are no words. No way I can even begin to imagine what you have been feeling.

 

All my love. You will be in my thoughts.

[amaysngrace]

I'm so sorry that you're hurting. I wish you better days ahead.

 

xo

[rainbowsandkittens]

I'm so sorry. How awful to lose the person you love and for his family to find out that way and treat you the way they did. Misery and devastation compounded by misery and devastation on both sides.

 

One of my best friends died 4 years ago and another friend and I were tasked with clearing out his phone. We found stuff we never wanted to know or see. The good part is we did it so his parents didn't have to. But I learned then how messy death is and how hard it is on the people left behind when they find out things they never knew.

 

I'm glad you have a new job and are working towards moving forward with your life. I know that this will always stay with you and be hard for you but with time hopefully you can build a new happy life with your son.

Edited March 17, 2016 by rainbowsandkittens

[malvern99]

Sorry for your loss. If you have not spoken to your attorney about the ring, I suggest you do so. I am not an attorney or anything, but I do believe some states have laws pertaining to one spouse gifting community property to an individual without the other spouse's consent. Best to speak with someone more knowledgeable about the law where you live.

[LimeBlue]

Don't give them the rung, they have no right to it whatsoever. If they harass you again, put a restraining order in place with legal advice. They have no right to do this to you - regardless of the circumstances or reasons. My thoughts are with you. This is the worst I have read on this site ever.

[jenkins95]

(((keiraglass)))

 

One of the most tragic stories I've read.

 

I'm so glad you have your wonderful son to focus on. He will look after you and you him.

 

You story does serve as a stark warning. Thank you for sharing.

 

Look after yourself - life won't always be this unbearable.

 

J

[13Hearts]

OMG I'm so sorry.

 

He wants you to be strong. He wants you to hold your head up. He wants you not to cry.

 

((hugs))

[Bufo]

I am/was a practicing lawyer. Retired now.

 

Gift law is specific to each state. It's also one of the first areas covered in law school.

 

Ask a lawyer what the situation is in your state. And don't give it back without being told by your lawyer (not them) that you have to. Remember they have presumably never seen it so it could be

Cubic zirconium for all they know.

 

I am very sorry for your loss. Words aren't enough now.

[Josmatjes]

I am so sorry...my heart is breaking for you...

 

Remember always that love isn't wrong...it comes at us in different ways..maybe not always the most orthodox ways but it's still love none the less...

 

He proved how much he loved and adored you in the end and those are the memories you hold on to....

Don't give them the ring.....it was a lasting gift from him...

 

I will pray for you...stay strong...he is still with you...

[MJJean]

I don't know what else to say but that I am sorry for your loss. It doesn't matter to me that he was a MM. What matters is that you loved him and are now faced with grieving his loss. I will say a prayer for you and for his family, asking for the Lord to give you all strength and comfort and a guiding light forward.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am so very very sorry for you...for the hurt you feel...for the devastation...for the loneliness...for the uncertainty...

 

No words can soothe...no words can take it away....none of us can feel your pain....

 

I pray you find your way....I pray you find peace....and I pray you find love.

 

God be with you.....

[bathtub-row]

I remember you, Kiera. This is such sad news. My heart weeps for you. I teared up reading this.

 

I think this is every OW's nightmare. Losing him and being berated and forced to the outer skirts of everything. I hope that you will be able to visit his gravesite someday. I'm no longer with my xMM but if he died, I would cry my heart out. If our past came to light, the storm that would ensue would be tremendous. However I don't think there's anyone meaner in the world than your MM's idiotic wife. Man, he wasn't kidding around about her, was he? It sounds like her son has followed in her path.

 

Kiera, at least you know that he loved you very much and try to remember that you gave him so much in the crazy life he was in. I know you miss him like crazy and there are just no words for that. I'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. Sending you much love and hugs.

[privategal]

I cant find a single word. I stand in shock and greif and sympathy and share in your broken heart and loss.

I will pray for strength in your recovery.

Im so horribly sorry for you truly.

[minimariah]

i would SUPER STRONGLY advise you to seek professional help, intense counseling & therapy.

 

oh and - file a restraining order against this man's family, IMMEDIATELY. protect yourself and your son; these people sound seriously dangerous.

Edited March 18, 2016 by minimariah

[Doublegold]

Kiera I am stricken with sorrow for you and your beloved. I have no other words except to say I am so so sorry and heartbroken for you and both your dreams for a future.

 

Hang tough aganist those who will try to take what you have left from him.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry for your loss. Please take good care of yourself, be kind to yourself and rely on good trusted friends and family to help you through this.

[bathtub-row]

Oh, and I agree with some of the others -- don't give up the ring he gave you. It's something to cherish.

[BettyDraper]

Wow...so sorry for your loss.

 

While I agree that your MM's wife is a seems like an awful person, I don't blame her for being very upset about the situation. She lost her husband and found out that he was having an affair at the same time. That said, she still doesn't give her the right to harass you.

 

I'm glad you shared this sad cautionary tale. I wish you healing.

Edited March 18, 2016 by BettyDraper

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm so sorry for your suffering and loss, Keiraglass. I'm sorry for your MM and the loss of his life, too. Some things on this earth are past understanding for us and truly this is one of those things for you.

 

How wonderful it would be if just this once, we could each reach out and give you a real hug with our REAL arms around you.

 

Imagine just for a moment...

 

We will hug you with fat arms, skinny ones, short ones, long ones, muscular ones, saggy ones, arms drenched in cologne, arms covered in silk, arms covered in denim...

 

You would be held close by a large-bosomed grandma, a string bean of a young man, a slip of a young lady, a fit guy in a business suit, a Dr. in his/her white coat, a mom who still has the scent of peanut butter on the long striped top that covers her yoga pants, a business woman in her navy jacket and skirt with black leather pumps.

 

Bury your head on our shoulders in turn, crying your eyes out into long dark hair, blonde wavy hair, a short-haired person's bare neck, a bearded person's scruffy jaw, a cashmere turtle neck sweater, white, black, and colored cotton t-shirts, pin point cotton dress shirts, a suit coat.....while we each pat your back with soft small hands, large rough ones, manicured hands, work hands...

 

We would love to do this for you, kieraglass......all of the BSs, the WSs, the OWs, the OMs. All who are not any of the former, but just on the forum to give support. How very much we would all like to help you grieve.....

 

Try to imagine us all around you comforting you...because that is where we want to be...

 

((((((((((kieraglass))))))))))