My MM died in an accident

[Adoraxx]

Dear Kiera, I remember you and I remember your story. So heartbreaking.

My heart is hurting for you. There are no words to make you feel any better, but I'm glad that he gave you that ring as a token of his love for you.

I'm so so so sad for you and I can't even begin to imagine your pain.

Big hugs Adoraxx

[sandylee1]

I think this is truly one of the most difficult things regarding affairs. When your MM/MW passes.. you can't be part of the funeral or wake. You have to say your goodbyes on your own.

 

As much as you are hurting....... imagine loosing your husband and then discovering he had a secret life like this. I don't know that anyone would take it well. It's a lot for her to process.... I know you are suffering the loss of a man you loved..but so is she and she's dealing with a whole lot more than you are. You know the whole story .... she doesn't or she didn't.

 

Congratulations on your new job. ... I think it will give you something new to focus on and put your energy into along with your son.

 

Do consider bereavement counselling.. ... it may be helpful.

[lemondrop21]

Kieraglass, your post has left me shell shocked. No one here has any adequate words.

 

You are living for your son right now and I think that is the only way to move forward for the time being. It is so brave and right of you to do that.

 

I hope you are continuing to get support and counseling in real life. Though words from a complete stranger must carry so little meaning for you, I am sending you all my love. And as you asked, I am thinking hard about your story in relation to my own.

 

(((kieraglass)))

[bathtub-row]

I think I would feel more sympathetic toward his wife if it weren't for the fact that MM was obviously telling the truth about the abuse he took from her. She did deserve to be left and probably is more angry to have found out that she wasn't able to control him in the way she thought she could. While I can see why she would be upset about the affair, her reaction and abusive behavior shows what type of person MM was dealing with. It's too bad he didn't leave her sooner. If anyone wants to talk about karma, it looks like the abusive wife might've had that bus stop at her house more than a few times.

[kieraglass]

Thank you, everyone. I don't know what else to say. I'm so glad to hear people are considering the ramifications in their own lives. If i could go back and not hurt anyone, change this all, I would.

 

And to the last poster-

You're so very, very wrong. Gold digger. To a woman who who slept in her car pregnant. Refused all help. Because I didn't feel I deserved it.

 

Your words don't touch me at all.

[kieraglass]

But she's right. He was cake eating. Lying to everyone. It's what they all do. Master of the double life.

 

 

Neither she nor I deserved it. But I was the damaged one who allowed it to continue. She was innocent. It doesn't matter what the truth of her is, or who deserved what. She is a human being, and i made a terrible mistake and I am responsible for her anger and pain. I had it in my power all along to stop the cake eating and walk away with integrity but I was so low from the death of our child in that dim room last year that i clung to him. If that hadn't happened, if i hadn't become stupidly pregnant, I know I would have behaved in a vastly different way.

 

I forgive myself. I forgive him. I forgive them their rage and sorrow.

 

I forgive us all.

 

I didn't post my ending to start a divisive battle among members. And I didn't post it to be attacked by bitter, angry spouses. I posted it to help someone, anyone.

 

And that is all.

[SoleMate]

Kiera, I'm so sorry for your pain. Wishing you peace and healing in days to come, and better days ahead.

[msoptimistic]

Not long ago my MM didnt answer his phone for a few hours when we had agreed to talk. I got worried and yep, he had been in an accident. He finally answered and downplayed the whole thing but that didnt stop all the "what if" scenarios that goes through your mind. The scariest of course being what if he had died? I cannot begin to imagine. I have recently started accepting the fact that this A has no possibility of having a good ending and you have added one more dimension to consider. Like another poster, if this tragedy were to occur in my world, I would learn from news reports or possibly word of mouth. I'm not sure I would find the strength to pick up and move forward although I'm sure when given no other choice you do what you have to do.

 

And while I havent read each post in detail, I get the feeling that the ring plays no part in your grief over losing your love. It is the one tangible thing his family can demand in their way to make you pay. A ring cant bring him back but it has meaning for you that it could never have for them. But no matter what becomes of it, and whether it was right or wrong, no one can ever take away what he left you in your heart.

 

Good luck to you and your son and thank you for taking time in your grieving to force us to look at just how huge the risks we take with our hearts are!

[Dancewithme]

We don't know what came first, the chicken or the egg with the BS and MM. Was she always unpleasant, or did having a distracted, cheating husband make her that way? According to OP's previous posts, MM said she was. But he was also a man trying to "get some"; so, maybe, maybe not.

 

And now BS has just found out the reason (the cheating) for some behaviors he may have had with her while the A was going on. While losing her longtime husband in a sudden, traumatic way. It doesn't justify abusive behavior on her part, but, have a little compassion for her, please.

 

OP, I am sorry you are hurting. In reading your previous posts, you have had many hurts your whole life, and definitely, in the A with your MM.

 

From what I read, it appeared your MM was not there when you needed him, had "sessions" with you in his truck, and future faked like a champ. Your ExH and mother where emotionally abusive to you.

 

I mention all that to say this: it seems you have a lot here to mourn in addition to the actual loss of your MM. And it's probably hitting you all at once now. I hope you got into IC, if not, please do, now. I hope you have people who cared for you without judgement that you could confide in. This is a lot to resolve . And you are a mother, you need to be healthy for your son.

 

Please take care of yourself.

[Robert]

Folks, moderation has had to delete about half the posts in this thread due to cruel, shameful, personal attacks.

 

No further infractions will be handed out in this thread.

 

We are going to straight to banning members that post personal attacks or lack civility and respect towards other posters in this thread.

 

Remember to post to be supportive or move on to somewhere else.

 

~6

[heartwhole]

I know you came here to warn others, but I want to offer you my sincere condolences. You have suffered a great loss and I know it has rocked your world. On top of that, you have had to bear his family lashing out at you. That's very heavy.

 

The complexities of our relationships do not negate our grief.

 

I wish you the best. Let the people in your life support you right now. You don't have to emerge from your cocoon of self-care until you are ready.

[Lady2163]

Folks, moderation has had to delete about half the posts in this thread due to cruel, shameful, personal attacks.

 

No further infractions will be handed out in this thread.

 

We are going to straight to banning members that post personal attacks or lack civility and respect towards other posters in this thread.

 

Remember to post to be supportive or move on to somewhere else.

 

~6

 

Thanks, Robert!

[Lovetoohard]

Kiera,

 

My heart goes out to you. Love comes in all shapes, sizes and forms. Love is selfless and it is blind. We can't help who we fall in love with and it's the greatest gift we can ever give to someone. Please be kind to yourself and take good care of your health and well-being. I wish you strength and courage to face this incredibility difficult time in your life.

 

Love.

[Liam1]

I sleep cradling his Bula ski hat. It still smells like him.

 

I miss him so desperately I could shatter like glass.

 

I'm going to be okay. I have to be. I have no choice.

 

This has been unreal.

 

Kieeraglass:

 

Many religious text state that the body is just a vessel for the spirit. When the body dies the spirit leaves.

 

You did not have to attend his funeral to be near his spirit. You are likely closer simply when you think of him.

 

I am sorry you had to go through this.

 

You are in shock. A death is always tough on the survivors.

 

Can you get grief counseling? Some religious organizations offer it for free.

 

You need someone to talk to in person.

[mcjordan]

My heart breaks for you. Losing someone we love is crushingly hard. I hope it's okay that I just said a prayer for you.

[anika99]

Kiera sorry for being late to respond. I'm so very sorry. No matter the circumstances death of a loved one is always devastating. Especially hard when it happens without warning and there are no goodbyes.

 

You will have to process many things now and it's going to take time. Let yourself feel everything. The pain, the sadness, the memories. Don't be surprised if down the road you feel angry at the MM. I lost the love of my life almost 4yrs ago. We were living apart at the time because he had an anger management problem among other problems that led him to treat others pretty poorly sometimes. When he died none of the past mattered and I forgave it all. I was just so shattered and would have done anything to have him back. Now I still love him and miss him and his death doesn't change that but his death also doesn't change the fact that he was abusive. I remember the first time I was allowing myself to remember some of the horrible things he did to me. It was about a year after he passed and the thought that went through my head was "geez, that guy could be such a prick" and I felt angry at him and then I was filled with guilt and shame for feeling that way.

 

Feelings aren't wrong and you are allowed to feel yours without guilt or shame. It takes time to work it all out and you will heal but also you will never be the same. Go ahead and grieve, cry, rail in anger, whatever you need to do. Go no contact with people who make you feel worse. I do have great empathy for his wife and kids. I can't imagine how painful it must be to discover the affair immediately following your spouses death. Horrifying! But there really isn't anything you can do or say to help them. They are trying to ease their pain by attacking you, however I bet every time they try to contact you it makes them feel worse. So block them because it's best for all of you. Maybe in a year or two the wife will be ready to have a reasonable discussion with you but right now it is just too much. I wish you well.

[wmacbride]

This is such a sad story for all, except perhaps the mm. I know it's not kind to speak ill of the dead, but boy, he deserves it.

 

About the ring, if it was bought using marital assets, you may not legally be allowed to keep it. Even if you are, is it worth keeping yourself in a bad place to hold on to it?

 

If you don't feel right giving it back to his bs, how about either selling and donating the proceeds, or donating the ring itself, to a cause you believe in. that way some good can come from a horrible situation.

[kieraglass]

Thank you everyone. I'm two months in and I thank you. I've been in counseling, long before the affair, before all this, and though my story is indicative of someone with emotional issues, I think I'm pretty stable. I'm in counseling, my child is o

in counseling, and I'm in a grief group. I have a close support system in a few strong wise women, and they do not kiss my butt. This is important. They tell me my failings and lift me up simultaneously and i am grateful to know them.

 

I will never have a sit down with her, anika, no matter how much times elapses. She became increasingly unglued in each email, finally telling me that he died as a result of his "addictions." She said he was a drug addict, an alcoholic, and that he was having sex with everyone. She said she has the texts and vms to prove it. That i was the symptom of a nervous breakdown fuel by sex and substances and that he didn't love me, I was a symptom.

 

None of it was true. There were no drugs. He drank infrequently. We spent a great, great deal of time together. There was no one else. A family member corroborated that all of this nonsense was a ploy to upset me, to leave me nothing of him, even my love and memories. It was an effort to get me to give her the ring.

 

It devastated me at first, that particular email. I was so rocked by grief I almost believed it all initially. I couldn't fathom that someone would say such things unless they were true. When I discovered the level of manipulation and lies involved, I disappeared on her, and will never respond to her again. She continued to write, more and more enraged that i wasn't rolling over for the games.

 

I understand what she was trying to do to me with all those words. I understand that I must have compassion, and I'm trying.

 

But he wasn't those things. A drug addict. A monster. I nkbew him four years and there was no nervous breakdown lately. I'm not sure how someone who "loved" him could throw him under such heavy wheels to achieve her goal.

[anika99]

I suspect that his wife of many years likely does know things about him that you don't know and will never know just like you possibly knew a side of him that she never knew. Doesn't matter as you have no reason to ever talk to her. Just go to the police if they continue to harass you. No matter what their feelings are they have no right to come after you and you have the right to protect yourself.

[Hope137]

sweetheart- I am so sorry to hear about your loss.

 

Life does not always, in fact rarely would out as one would wish, but when the sad times come so does strength, courage and hope for the days ahead. Time is a wonderful healer, be kind to yourself from this moment on.

 

Take every day as you wish- there is no guide book on how you should be feeling. I am sorry to hear the affair was exposed brutally; that could not of been easy. Don't let anyone down play your part in his life- you were in it together. You had a bond, special and precious and yes others may find it hard to accept this but just remember that it was the path you BOTH took. This is your story to tell and no one can take away from you that you Have lost someone very special in your life. Your allowed to grieve, your allowed to cry.

 

Chin up and remember that you will survive this, right now focus on you and your needs. Don't give that ring back- he wanted you to have it. You are stronger than you think- we all have that inner strength in us to help us during the really difficult times.

 

Sending you hugs X

[bathtub-row]

Perhaps the best response to anyone about the ring: "Dang, I lost that sucker."

 

No, there is no reason to converse with her ever again. While I understand her shock over this whole thing, her behavior is not to be excused, and I'm pretty certain this is her usual mode of operation.

[brothers343]

Life is hard, love is even harder. To some it will affect in this life and possibly the next. I'm sorry for your lost and I will prey that you make it through this in one piece.

[tillwemeetagain]

i feel bad for you.. condolence.. I hope that you have someone that knows everything about you and your MM so you have someone that you can share how hard it is and devastating.. stay strong. don't give anything that he gives you.. maybe there is a reason why he have had given you a ring like that.. is when hes gone you can start all over again eventhough it is very hard thing to do.. you can have your lawyer ask for you to comeby to his wake using your sons birth certificate if he is using the same surname of your MM but that is if you risk it to see him for the last time.. any way they cant hurt you if there is a court order... I hope you find peace that you deserve...

[imperfectangel]

There's nothing really for me to say other than good luck for the future and to def keep the ring. He clearly wanted you to have it and chances are they probably will just sell it for the $$$

[Ladyjane14]

There's nothing really for me to say other than good luck for the future and to def keep the ring. He clearly wanted you to have it and chances are they probably will just sell it for the $$$

 

She'd be wiser to return it and give the betrayed wife and her family no more reason to be in contact with her. End of drama. That is... unless she's into that sort of thing.

 

If it's expensive enough that a person would face grand larceny for stealing it, I think it's safe to consider it a marital asset. And trying to keep it could cost her more than the thing is worth, not only in legal fees, but in hard feelings.

 

If I walk a mile in the betrayed wife's shoes, I'd keep her in court for YEARS over it. I'd never stop. The cheating husband is dead. He's not there to answer up for his betrayal. That leaves the OW to take the brunt of his family's anger and frustration. It's unwise to bait them. And wrong too. THEY are the victims in this scenario. THEY are the ones who have been deceived.

 

Doing the right thing is a win/win.