My MM died in an accident

[Robert]

Folks, moderation has had to delete about half the posts in this thread due to cruel, shameful, personal attacks.

 

No further infractions will be handed out in this thread.

 

We are going to straight to banning members that post personal attacks or lack civility and respect towards other posters in this thread.

 

Remember to post to be supportive or move on to somewhere else.

 

~6

 

Another reminder, folks. If you've lost your posting privileges and don't know why, see above. ~6

[tillwemeetagain]

I know it is not easy for you to move on and decide in just blink of an eye.. you must weigh things out.. you know to yourself what is the capability of the wife. and also what things might get better if you keep the ring or not. if you decide to keep the ring then its fine because that simbolize the love for you of the MM.. maybe if he can tell you what to do with the ring he will definitely tell you to keep the ring and sold it for a better future. I know. it cant buy you your own house and pay for your sons college but it can help you have a good start so you can also move on with this tragic story of yours.. my deepest symphaty.. but for now grieve as much as you could but after a while when you are ready have a good start thinking about your sons future.. I wish you goodluck in life

[Cymbeline]

& she probably is --- but he isn't alive anymore. so she directed her anger at the next person - the OW. that behavior in THOSE circumstances is expected & cannot be compared to any other situation.

 

 

 

who broke what promises and vows - means nothing. folks who never made ANY promises to you and don't even know you can absolutely be responsible for hurting you, too. never understood this argument.

 

 

 

does that mean that the OP being the OW shows what SHE's really made of? the MM married this horrible and abusive woman and stayed with her for years -- doesn't that tell us something about what HE's made of or we're going to pretend like our choices in romantic partners show nothing about our character?

 

 

 

that's the saddest part - he never left her and he probably wasn't going to. & if the wife truly WAS abusive... well, in that - it should be obvious why it took him so long.

 

other than wife - his son lashed out, too. what does that tell us about those kids & the MM's role as their father?

 

the OP isn't ANYWHERE near being okay -- she has a history of abusive relationships and she's romanticizing the last one (the one with the MM): after EVERYTHING this man put her through... she took a piece of jewelry and his proposal as something relevant. her 1st post about their love and last are completely different; she paints herself as a helpless victim most of the time... while heavily romanticizing the entire story in an almost poetic way.

 

in reality - the MM was ABUSIVE to the OP & telling her or trying to convince her that was love and worth it is damaging and you're not helping her at all.

 

all of that needs to be addressed - otherwise, she'll end up in the same relationship with the same abusive pattern. to those who see that, painfully obvious - it's almost impossible to NOT say anything, even in the sensitive thread like this.

 

Such a concise and sympathetic post to all parties in this dreadful mess. There is much to be ashamed of in this affair and the situation is crying out for professional help - since there is at least one young child and some still vulnerable teenagers/young adults who are Suffering psychological damage now and for a very long time to come.

 

As ever, I am puzzled by the fact that a BW is held to a higher standard of behaviour than either of the other participants in the affair. Really puzzled. I do hope some peace is found and innocent people are not further destroyed.

[Lady2163]

I'd just like to point out that in many instances, it is easy to insert ourselves into the stories written here. We put our morals, beliefs and ethics into our answers and the things OPs have said.

 

At some point you have to decide whether your going to believe all, nothing or parts of what is posted here. Some people will outright lie and some do change details enough that their particular situation isn't recognized. I've been tripped up before in details because I forget things I've changed to protect the guilty.

 

We can, "how do you know??" the OP until she is ready to scream in frustration.

 

But, I choose to believe her. I choose to believe that $10,000 isn't the financial issue for MM and his family. Okay, personally. I can't afford and $10,000 gift to anyone, but if I were given a $10,000 gift it wouldn't make that much difference in my life if I were to sell it. $10,000 doesn't get me a new car or new house, it gets me a couple of house projects done.

 

Anyway, I think most people on here are agog at the price tag. IF you put yourself in the bs shoes, would you be locked in mortal vengeance with an Other over a $10 gift? $100? $1000? It's a rhetorical question, I don't expect answers but I believe enough has been said that $10,000 isn't a massive amount to his family.

 

There is classy behavior and trashy behavior. I think too many people excuse poor behaviors when it comes to cheating and Others. Again, classy or trashy. There is NO excuse for his oldest son to be texting or calling her and leaving any kind of snark. It isn't his place. He isn't defending his departed fathers honor, he's besmirching it. He isn't standing up for his mother, he's lowering himself to the least common denominator.l

 

I've been around wealth. This isn't the way these situations are handled. We are excusing poor behavior because they are suffering such grief and betrayal.

 

Please.

 

Again, it goes back to whether or not you want to believe the OP. And I do believe the spouse was a shrew and a shark. It's pretty obvious the way the children were raised and feel they have the right and obligation to be insulting to someone.

 

I said on page one, this wife may be in shock because she didn't know her marriage was ending. But again, you reach this kind of wealth and you don't reach out to the...indiscretions, you let lawyers or clergy or family friend handle it.

[anika99]

Jeez a man is dead and all I see are women cackling over the gift of a ring and money whilst the OP has stated her grief.

 

STOP!

 

I don't think the OP has to make a decision about the ring right this second. I think the ring is just part of a power struggle between the OP and the BW. The more the BW wants to take it from her the more determined the OP becomes to keep it. The more the OP tries to keep it the more the BW wants it. It's not about the ring, it's about wanting control.

 

The OP is grieving and in pain and shouldn't be being hounded here or in real life for a stupid ring. She needs time and compassion. However I think the BW and her sons deserve compassion too. I don't believe his wife is some hideous monster, I think she has just had her world blown apart horrifically and she lashing out in pain and anger. Not saying Kiera has to take it, she is entitled to protect herself, but the wife is not evil because she is losing her sh$t right now. She's lost her husband and now she doesn't even know how much of her marriage is even real.

 

The BW can never win. Her husband paints her as a bad person to justify his cheating to himself and the OW, then he merrily spends years lying, deceiving, manipulating and gas lighting his wife. When the wife finds out the sheer magnitude of it all and becomes rightfully outraged and explodes then the OW judges her even more. Then it's "look how she is being! My MM was right about her". I have followed Keira's story and her MM was not a good man. He is the one who did this. He treated both his wife and Kiera horribly and now this is the devastation that selfish cruel man left behind, yet here we are trying to pick sides between the OP and the BW. Trying to figure out which woman to blame. Please. The MM caused all of this.

Edited March 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[SammySammy]

I don't think the ring is as big a deal as some of us are making it. I just didn't think she should cave to the demands of the family. Assuming the ring is rightfully hers, giving the family the ring back doesn't really change anything. What's done is done. They won't treat her better. It won't ease her pain.

 

She said the ring has no sentimental value. If it's rightfully hers (and I think it is), just keep it and move on with her life. When the time comes, sell it and use the cash to start rebuilding her savings. Simple. Nothing to stress over or even spend a lot of time thinking about. Especially when getting over the trauma of this event and moving on with her life is much more important right now.

[sandylee1]

Trying to figure out which woman to blame. Please. The MM caused all of this.

 

I disagree. The MM didn't cause it ALL. You can't have an affair by yourself...... Two people were wrong with the affair and the BW isn't one of them.

[kieraglass]

Of course the ring meant something to me. I had it a month when he died. I was terrified of it. I didn't understand what it meant- he was married. I was ashamed he gave it to me. Afraid. I didn't know if it was genuine, or, as some have suggested, a way to buy me, placate me, finnegle more time. I don't know anything about jewelry. I didn't know it was pricey. When his son called me twenty four hours after the crash I was sitting at the beach crying in my friends car. I don't even know what beach we were at. I was in a daze. A voice said, hello princess, do you know who this is?

 

I thought it was him. I thought he came back. They have similar deep voices. I thought I'd lost my mind.

 

He immediately mentioned the ring. Two, three sentences in after identifying himself.

 

Well, princess, may I call you princess? That's okay with you?

 

The problem we have here, is that I have a receipt I found for a ring. A ten thousand dollar ring. I'm assuming you're the recipient of this ring?

 

I said yes.

 

We want the ring. On and on. It is not yours. It is ours.

 

I said little. Answered questions. How long have you known him. What's your name.

 

I wouldn't tell him. I was under princess in contacts in his family phone.

 

I didn't even know that.

 

How silly.

 

It was all about this ring within twenty four hours. He said he was calling for his mother. When I began to openly weep, he said, princess, if you're not having a good time talking to me right now, I can assure you. You do NOT want to talk to my mother.

 

He demanded I meet him that moment, arrange a place, to hand over the ring. I was in a daze, and said I couldn't, I was a mess, not now, please, I'm not okay right now..I didn't understand what was happening. I hadn't slept in thirty hours.

 

He told me he'd let me have the day and would call me the next day. I'm calling you tomorrow and we are doing this, princess. Make me a promise princess?

 

I said "anything."

 

"Good. You promise me that tomorrow you will pick up the phone. "

 

My friend in the drivers seat was shouting at me to hang up, no no no, do not agree to this, what are you doing?!

 

An hour later the wife began texting me. She began calling and texting me from MMs other phone, the one he used for me. They had found it finally, and hacked in, but I didn't know that in that moment. When it rang and i saw his name on my screen I began screaming. I thought he was calling me. That it had all been a mistake and the news was wrong, he was alive.

 

My mother grabbed the phone out of my hand, yelled kiera he's DEAD.

 

She knew it had to be her.

 

She left a voice mail. Graphic. Used the eff word,as a verb, said her husband f'd her every night, that she'd seen all his loving words to me and that he said the same loving things to her, that i was nothing, no one, and that we were going to sit down and talk. Meet. And I was going to give her the ring.

 

I don't remember much else of that day. When they began calling and texting, I'd only known he was dead three hours. I knew when he didn't show at the gym the day before. Knew.

Wept all night and found the accident in the paper at dawn, no name. They didn't release identity online until mid morning. I collapsed on the floor. My friend came and took me to the beach. My phone rang, strange number, I answered, son, on and on about the ring.

 

When he called the next day as he told me he would, and left another vm, "well hello again princess"- they knew my name by then, but he wouldn't stop that princess stuff- I contacted my lawyer. I couldn't bare anymore. I needed it to stop. I had only slept two or three hours in three nights. I was about to break. I wasn't worried about the ring. I was going to mail it back. I just wanted rest. I wanted time to steady my thoughts.

 

But when it became weirder and she started emailing all kinds of bizarre claims, and I saw what was happening, the level of deceit and manipulation, I stepped back, appalled.

 

If you loved him as you say you did, kiera, you will give me back that ring. If you cared for him at all, kiera, then you care for his children, and they need this ring.

 

I suddenly felt that my giving it back would be my relinquishing of him. That it was her trying to erase me. The ring was a symbol, and she was going to erase it. At any cost. She dispatched her grieving son to get it in twenty four hours. First sentence out of his mouth. The ring.

 

I saw it all suddenly. And I couldn't let her do it to me. I was so very close to mailing it, and then she went overboard.

 

She even told me they were selling their house and moving down south shortly to spend the rest if their lives together. That he loved her dearly and she hated to hurt me, but I was no one at all.

 

I was his hooker. The baby hadn't been his- I'd lied to trap him. I'd taken advantage of a vulnerable man. I was responsible for his death. His death was my fault. It was the stress of the affair. I killed him.

 

You need to do the right thing. If you loved him as you say you did, you will do the right thing and you will give me that ring.

 

I stopped reading all emails. Couldn't handle anymore. My friend began reading them for me and paraphrasing. They all revolved around the ring, and how i was going to hand it over.

 

I haven't responded in a month. Three days ago she wrote and said, I'll take your silence on this matter as a response. I am saddened to learn you are not the person I thought you were. I hope you can find someone who actually does love and care about you. Good luck.

 

I wept when my friend read that. Just burst open. I suppose that was the point.

 

It was a campaign of bullying from all sides and i couldn't think straight. I was never able to properly grieve him- I was filled with shame and self hatred from that first day on. Regret. I wished I'd never met him, I'd hurt his kids, her, everyone had seen me, my private words, all I'd ever said and wrote, photos... I screamed driving alone in my car until i was hoarse, every day. I ended up on sedatives for two weeks. Even on them my hands shook all the time. I was scared leaving work every day that one of them would be in the parkinglot. It was like a bad dream.

 

 

I almost did what they wanted. But I couldn't do it that way. It felt like a mugging in central park.

[minimariah]

Kiera -- not going to trash the BS & her son... but there is a strong sadistic tone to their behavior; especially the son's. and i'm actually not surprised because - from your previous posts - it seems like that entire family is beyond dyscdunctional; including the MM.

 

you can keep the ring. it's legally yours. that should be the end of it.

 

you're going through a REALLY hard time and it will probably be even harder - block his entire family wherever you can; why did you even read those mails? it's almost as if you wanted to punish yourself. realistically - you don't owe his family anything. they don't owe you anything.

 

focus on you & your behavior - something you can actually work on.

 

OH - if i understood well, they had your private conversations and info ONLINE? sue them. that's breaking the law - consult with your lawyer. you don't have to take that, no matter what you did and you have the right to defend yourself.

[anika99]

Kiera his wife and sons are unleashing their anger on you because the MM is not there for them to rage at. Their anger is misguided and not helpful to anyone, not even them, but it is understandable. After the massive betrayal the MM perpetuated against her with you, you are seriously offended that she used the "F" word? You are not seeing the full spectrum of her grief. When she is alone or with her family she is breaking down, crying and heartbroken just like you are. She is feeling all that pain and then more because she also has to process the betrayal as well as the death. You paint a picture of her being a cold heartless b*tch who only cares about a ring. That is her anger and her anger is the only thing she is going to show you, same with the sons. She's not going to share her pain and heartache with you. You are her enemy and you don't show your vulnerability to your enemies. His family are not the bad guys in this. They didn't make the MM hurt you over and over again for years, they didn't lie and deceive and betray. The MM did this.

[Maddieandtae]

Kiera I may be wrong and am only speaking from a past way of coping, it seems there might be an sense of victimization and drama in your perception of what has happened. Grief is an tremendous emotion which can destroy poor coping skills into no coping skills at all. My ex-husband committed suicide and our relationship as husband and wife was abusive before he died. It took many years of abuse to leave and I didn't leave with my dignity either. I threw that away and behaved terribly. Regardless of our past I was there for him during his struggles and when he died I found out his ex-girlfriend had my washer and dryer that was given to me during my marriage and my ex wouldn't let me take it when I left. Well my grief took me to a place of wanting that washer and dryer at all costs. I acted crazy! My Dad finally said something that released the madness from my brain. Grief can take our minds to soul destroying places. It's the memories that can't be taken away, things are just things and don't hold value to what we truly loved.

[anika99]

Kiera -- not going to trash the BS & her son... but there is a strong sadistic tone to their behavior; especially the son's. and i'm actually not surprised because - from your previous posts - it seems like that entire family is beyond dyscdunctional; including the MM.

 

you can keep the ring. it's legally yours. that should be the end of it.

 

you're going through a REALLY hard time and it will probably be even harder - block his entire family wherever you can; why did you even read those mails? it's almost as if you wanted to punish yourself. realistically - you don't owe his family anything. they don't owe you anything.

 

focus on you & your behavior - something you can actually work on.

 

OH - if i understood well, they had your private conversations and info ONLINE? sue them. that's breaking the law - consult with your lawyer. you don't have to take that, no matter what you did and you have the right to defend yourself.

 

 

Sue a family who has just been devastated through death and betrayal? Oh that's a great plan. And you're calling them sadistic?

 

 

Sue them for what? For looking at their husbands/father's belongings after he passed? Looking at his phone? Well guess what? That's what happens when you die. Your family goes through your stuff, they go through your finances, they look at your receipts, they read your last words wether they be in text or email or diarys. Sue them for looking at the MM's stuff?!!PFFTTT!

[kieraglass]

Maddie,

 

I needed to hear that. It makes sense. I understand the obsession with it. Thank you. I couldn't see that, in it. I do now. Thank you.

 

Thank you to all of you.

 

I'm no victim. I don't relish the role. Honestly, despite all this craziness, I'm amazing myself. I just doubled my income in the midst of a total shtstorm. I'm moving shortly to my own place. I'm on vacation out of state right now watching my son play in the hotel pool...the last time i went away was three years ago for a night with MM. When I realized that two weeks ago I was disturbed and went online and booked little guy and I this trip.

 

I'm doing things I'd never done in the middle of that relationship. Everything was him. It was not right.

 

Without him I have no choice but to move forward, and be better. I won't stay down. I have a child. He doesn't need a dad sack boot mat for a mother. He needs my entire focus now, and he finally has it. I'm so very glad I have him. He's been the brightest light.

[whichwayisup]

Kiera, please think about changing your cell number, change your email address and create a new fb or change your name on there and make all your settings private, don't use a photo of yourself either. Eventually they will all stop harassing you but be pro active in protecting yourself. Things are going to get uglier as time goes on which is why making it much harder for them to contact you is for your own benefit and safety, mental health etc.

 

I think the others are right, since he isn't here to answer questions, their anger, grief, sadness etc, is all being directed at you. Death can bring the worst out in some, especially in a situation like this, she's coping with her H's death and finding out about you. The real truth nobody knows, except MM.....

 

Take care of yourself, continue with counseling and take things one day at a time.

[kieraglass]

Anika, you're right. I don't feel their going through his things was out of line, either.

 

I knew the moment I saw the photo of his crushed car that they would come. I was on the floor crumpled up sobbing and the thought rang clear as a bell.

 

I told the son I'd been expecting to hear from him. It was the only time during that fifteen minute call that he was taken aback. I knew it would happen, even knew he would be the first one, but I didn't know it would happen so soon.

 

I told him how very proud of him his dad was. He thanked me. I tried so hard to handle it right.... He loved his kids very much. I wish I could change this. Wish I never let it happen. I'd trade every moment we had for all of this to not have happened, to unhurt them.

Edited March 19, 2016 by kieraglass

[Mrs. John Adams]

I agree...change your numbers and e mails. Block them from everything you can.

 

Live your life and be the best mom ever. Forget about them and concentrate on you.

 

They will also learn to deal with it. It is not fair....the whole scenario stinks...but it is what it is and it cannot be changed. My heart breaks for everyone involved.

 

I do truly wish you happiness amidst this storm you are in.

[Maddieandtae]

Kiera that is great about your income and vacation with your son! This last post of yours has a lot of positives and that is wonderful to hear. Your focus on your son and yourself will help move you forward and your son will benefit from his Mom being fully present in his and your lives. You've had a very tough go and you have the skills to overcome tragedy. You will be stronger and wiser from your experiences. In fact you already are?

[minimariah]

Sue a family who has just been devastated through death and betrayal?

 

& that gives them the right to harrass the OP...?

 

And you're calling them sadistic?

 

if what Kiera writes is true -- their behavior is abusive & sadistic, absolutely. suing them for harrassment, however - is not.

 

Sue them for what?

 

um, for harrassing the OP?

 

& if they posted the OP's private information online - for that ESPECIALLY.

 

the BS lashing out like this and trying her hardest to get the ring back + the son contacting the OP shows you one thing clearly --- they don't have good coping mechanisms & aren't emotionally stable. i've seen others in this situation and almost NO ONE reacted or lashed out to this degree --- the pain can't be your excuse for everything.

 

is the OP supposed to stand still & quiet and take it all because she "deserved" it?

 

hell no - especially when she had a young son to take care of and who can be a potential target, too.

Edited March 19, 2016 by minimariah

[imperfectangel]

Keira change your contact details. You have been told you can legally keep the ring so whether you keep it or sell it is up to you. Personally if my mm ever gave me a gift, regardless of financial value I would keep it but that's your decision

 

His family have no claim on it. Do not have any more contact with them. They're not healthy and I strongly suspect that if it had been a normal d day they would still be behaving like this.

 

They sound crazy. You don't need crazy in your life right now. Change numbers or at least block them.

 

You have no reason to speak to them or meet them. They're strangers to you there is no need to have any more contact with them

 

Focus on yourself and your child and moving forward with your own life

[waterwoman]

This is so horrible. I am really sorry xx

 

It is a shame that his widow is not showing more dignity and restraint. I can understand how hurt and humiliated she is but this behaviour helps no-one. FWIW I hope you get to keep the ring.

 

Keep strong my lovely x

[sandylee1]

Sueing them isn't great advice and would end very badly for the OP. When you do wrong. ... it can end up bad for you ... she needs to know that her participation in this affair was the reason the family did what they did. Sometimes you have to take personal responsibility and own the fact that your wrong choices have their consequences and repercussions.

 

If the family is as wealthy as the OP says... they could crush her and make her life he'll ..if she makes any attempt to sue them.

 

Can you see the headlines 'mistress sues betrayed widow and son whilst they mourn tragic loss'. VERY UNWISE.

[minimariah]

Sometimes you have to take personal responsibility and own the fact that your wrong choices have their consequences and repercussions.

 

i ABSOLUTELY agree --- the BS & her son need to take the responsibility for the abuse & harrassment instead of blaming their poor coping mechanisms on the OP - the OP is NOT the reason they're lashing out and neither is the affair: those might be the reasons for their anger but the reasons for the way they chose to act on that anger? on them, entirely; they should also be aware of the consequences and repercussions, meaning, their behavior is against the LAW... and no man is bigger than the law.

 

if the BS does not leave the OP alone - she should take her to the court; i assume she cares more about her well being and that of her child than she does about gossipy tabloid headlines no one pays serious attention to anyway.

Edited March 19, 2016 by minimariah

[SammySammy]

i ABSOLUTELY agree --- the BS & her son need to take the responsibility for the abuse & harrassment instead of blaming their poor coping mechanisms on the OP - the OP is NOT the reason they're lashing out and neither is the affair: those might be the reasons for their anger but the reasons for the way they chose to act on that anger? on them, entirely; they should also be aware of the consequences and repercussions, meaning, their behavior is against the LAW... and no man is bigger than the law.

 

if the BS does not leave the OP alone - she should take her to the court; i assume she cares more about her well being and that of her child than she does about gossipy tabloid headlines no one pays serious attention to anyway.

 

Say that again, sister.

 

OP is NOT the reason they are behaving this way. Nor is their behavior "understandable" or excusable.

[Sassy Girl]

i ABSOLUTELY agree --- the BS & her son need to take the responsibility for the abuse & harrassment instead of blaming their poor coping mechanisms on the OP - the OP is NOT the reason they're lashing out and neither is the affair: those might be the reasons for their anger but the reasons for the way they chose to act on that anger? on them, entirely; they should also be aware of the consequences and repercussions, meaning, their behavior is against the LAW... and no man is bigger than the law.

 

if the BS does not leave the OP alone - she should take her to the court; i assume she cares more about her well being and that of her child than she does about gossipy tabloid headlines no one pays serious attention to anyway.

 

Not being American, I never understand this rush to sue everyone that seems so prevalent.

 

Do you think sung a grieving widow will de escalate or escalate the issue?

 

Do you think this will help Keira move on? Doubt it

 

And let's look a the reputational damage.

 

The OW sues the grieving family - presumably for money? Otherwise why bother. So the family, who already believes she is a 'gold digger' has their perceptions affirmed. And so they hire the best lawyers yet can afford to tear right though Keira's life. They have ALL the history and evidence of the affair. Her life played out publicly. They will tear her to shreds. And she puts herself through that, why?

 

And do you think this helps Keira move on? Do you think this helps her focus on her little boy who has had a distracted mother (at best) for the last 4 years?

 

Keira - get a new number. Block them. And move on with your life. If they threaten you take it to the police. Get counselling. Work on being a better person. Go live a better life.

Edited March 19, 2016 by Sassy Girl

[sandylee1]

Yes...there tends to be a rush to sue these days.

 

Suing them would be silly.... and if the OP has any love for the deceased MM and his children.. that would be a grave mistake.

 

Taking legal action costs money .... does it sound like the OP has money to spend on this? Where her reputation will be dragged through the mud.... that she was married ...had an affair ...got pregnant etc. ALL of this would come out in any court case and it would not be to the advantage of the OP... to have her and all the communication with her husband exposed.

 

BTW ... those headlines. ... could loose an individual their job ....so it really isn't just a fly in the ointment.