My MM died in an accident

[bathtub-row]

I don't agree that this is all on you. Were you responsible for your part in it? Yes. Did you get to say no to all of it? Of course. But to say it was all on you is substantially overstating things. There was a huge crack in the foundation of his marriage and - right, wrong, or indifferent - he turned to you over and over again for love and support.

 

Kiera, I think it would be more accurate to say that you were a victim to his indecision, more than being a victim to his cruelty. Was he thoughtless at times? Yeah, it seems he was. But I don't see a mean man. I see a man very, very torn and controlled by forces that were obviously very cruel, dark, and demanding. You've experienced this in full swing. And before anyone starts defending this BS as though she were the average run of the mill BS, please understand that I'm not in this particular BS's court because of her very vicious behavior and how she has taught her children to behave. No class, no grace. This is not the way to conduct oneself as a parent or human. No matter the circumstances. MM saw the grace, class and strength of Kiera and that's what, I believe, he was trying to cling to. That's my opinion, for whatever that's worth.

Edited March 21, 2016 by bathtub-row

[ChickiePops]

I don't agree that this is all on you. Were you responsible for your part in it? Yes. Did you get to say no to all of it? Of course. But to say it was all on you is substantially overstating things. There was a huge crack in the foundation of his marriage and - right, wrong, or indifferent - he turned to you over and over again for love and support.

 

Kiera, I think it would be more accurate to say that you were a victim to his indecision, more than being a victim to his cruelty. Was he thoughtless at times? Yeah, it seems he was. But I don't see a mean man. I see a man very, very torn and controlled by forces that were obviously very cruel, dark, and demanding. You've experienced this in full swing. And before anyone starts defending this BS as though she were the average run of the mill BS, please understand that I'm not in this particular BS's court because of her very vicious behavior and how she has taught her children to behave. No class, no grace. This is not the way to conduct oneself as a parent or human. No matter the circumstances. MM saw the grace, class and strength of Kiera and that's what, I believe, he was trying to cling to. That's my opinion, for whatever that's worth.

 

I agree that it's not all Kiera's fault but she is not a victim in any way, shape or form..even Kiera knows that.

 

The BS just lost her husband AND found out he was cheating on her in the span of what, a few days? Grief makes you do crazy things. I don't blame her for not caring about Kiera's feelings in all this..why should she? She cannot express her anger to her husband so she takes it out on Kiera, and she is fixated on the ring because it's something to focus on besides her sadness. Anger is easier to handle than grief. Also, her husband gave another woman a diamond ring. That's pretty messed up. Diamond rings are a symbol of engagement. BS probably wears one herself, and it probably didn't cost $10k, as he was likely much younger and less flush with cash at that point. Imagine how badly that must have hurt her to find out that another woman was wearing one too.

 

That's not to say that I have no sympathy for Kiera. Kiera, I am sorry that you lost someone you loved. I've lost more people than someone my age should and I can definitely empathize. I hope you will consider getting yourself into therapy if you're not already in it.

[BurnedAndLost]

I don't agree that this is all on you. Were you responsible for your part in it? Yes. Did you get to say no to all of it? Of course. But to say it was all on you is substantially overstating things. There was a huge crack in the foundation of his marriage and - right, wrong, or indifferent - he turned to you over and over again for love and support.

 

Kiera, I think it would be more accurate to say that you were a victim to his indecision, more than being a victim to his cruelty. Was he thoughtless at times? Yeah, it seems he was. But I don't see a mean man. I see a man very, very torn and controlled by forces that were obviously very cruel, dark, and demanding. You've experienced this in full swing. And before anyone starts defending this BS as though she were the average run of the mill BS, please understand that I'm not in this particular BS's court because of her very vicious behavior and how she has taught her children to behave. No class, no grace. This is not the way to conduct oneself as a parent or human. No matter the circumstances. MM saw the grace, class and strength of Kiera and that's what, I believe, he was trying to cling to. That's my opinion, for whatever that's worth.

 

You are reaching so hard that I am having trouble finding the right words to respond.

 

Stop trying to turn this in to some fairy tale. OP was taken advantage of. The mm was not some martyr. Do I think he deserved what happened to him? No. But it doesn't change how he treated OP. Would you still be saying these things if they were still in an affair?

 

The OP will never be able to heal if she doesn't look inside herself to find out why she is in this situation in the first place. Is she doesn't she'll continue to make poor decisions in men.

[minimariah]

...and how she has taught her children to behave. No class, no grace.

 

those children had two parents though - the BS & the MM. while the BS was teaching her children to behave badly --- where on Earth was their father, did he teach them ANYTHING... at all? why are we blaming their poor behavior on only ONE parent? i also think you're confuzing class & grace with victimisation.

[ladydesigner]

I don't agree that this is all on you. Were you responsible for your part in it? Yes. Did you get to say no to all of it? Of course. But to say it was all on you is substantially overstating things. There was a huge crack in the foundation of his marriage and - right, wrong, or indifferent - he turned to you over and over again for love and support.

 

Kiera, I think it would be more accurate to say that you were a victim to his indecision, more than being a victim to his cruelty. Was he thoughtless at times? Yeah, it seems he was. But I don't see a mean man. I see a man very, very torn and controlled by forces that were obviously very cruel, dark, and demanding. You've experienced this in full swing. And before anyone starts defending this BS as though she were the average run of the mill BS, please understand that I'm not in this particular BS's court because of her very vicious behavior and how she has taught her children to behave. No class, no grace. This is not the way to conduct oneself as a parent or human. No matter the circumstances. MM saw the grace, class and strength of Kiera and that's what, I believe, he was trying to cling to. That's my opinion, for whatever that's worth.

 

I am sympathetic to both. Both are in bad places, both loved and lost the same man. Just like some have not walked in the OW shoes some have not walked in the BS's either. I was pretty nutso after Dday and behaved very badly. Bad coping skills I called my WH names me and the MOW went back and forth and both of us said hideous things to each other. Honestly I think more often than not a BS's behavior after DDay is even a surprise to themselves. Had I walked in on the act I probably would have become physically violent. Is it right or justifiable? No, but you never know what makes a person snap and I think anyone is capable of bad behavior including having an A.

 

To the OP I hope in time you will forgive yourself and at this point have NC with MM's family and block them only deal through lawyers. You've taken enough wrath. Wrath that should have been towards the MM. Your MM sounds like an awful person for what he put you through and I'm sure he has done similar non empathetic things towards his BS.

 

Hope you are having a nice vacation with your son making good memories together. Also it is wonderful you have the support of your mother too. You have good people around you. Take good care.

[ladydesigner]

those children had two parents though - the BS & the MM. while the BS was teaching her children to behave badly --- where on Earth was their father, did he teach them ANYTHING... at all? why are we blaming their poor behavior on only ONE parent? i also think you're confuzing class & grace with victimisation.

 

Yes! Omg if you had witnessed my WH's behavior over the years you would have thought I would be the one to have the first A. Usually the spouse that has an A is the least invested party in the M.

[anika99]

I don't agree that this is all on you. Were you responsible for your part in it? Yes. Did you get to say no to all of it? Of course. But to say it was all on you is substantially overstating things. There was a huge crack in the foundation of his marriage and - right, wrong, or indifferent - he turned to you over and over again for love and support.

 

Kiera, I think it would be more accurate to say that you were a victim to his indecision, more than being a victim to his cruelty. Was he thoughtless at times? Yeah, it seems he was. But I don't see a mean man. I see a man very, very torn and controlled by forces that were obviously very cruel, dark, and demanding. You've experienced this in full swing. And before anyone starts defending this BS as though she were the average run of the mill BS, please understand that I'm not in this particular BS's court because of her very vicious behavior and how she has taught her children to behave. No class, no grace. This is not the way to conduct oneself as a parent or human. No matter the circumstances. MM saw the grace, class and strength of Kiera and that's what, I believe, he was trying to cling to. That's my opinion, for whatever that's worth.

 

 

Oh please. This MM was no victim, he was the root cause of all of this. He caused it! Have you read Kiera's story? You don't see a mean man? You don't see cruelty? What kind of man takes a woman to a strip club to get lap dances after she has miscarried, is feeling sick and has clearly stated that she doesn't want to do that? What kind of man makes a joke to the woman he supposedly loved about the miscarriage on the anniversary of the miscarriage? I didn't see a man turning to care Keira for love and support, I saw man turning to her for sex "sessions" in is truck. He hadn't taken any steps at all to leave his marriage at the time of his death. He wan't torn. He wanted Kiera and his marriage at the same time and the proof of that is in the pudding as he had years to choose and he chose exactly what he had. Yet you paint this picture of a po po man who just couldn't stand up and be an adult? That po po man has ruined peoples lives and he is the one most at fault for all of this..

[sandylee1]

KG

I commend you for realising and taking responsibility for this. Unless you recognise where you went wrong .... you won't know how to do right in the future.

 

You weren't a victim in the affair, but you were a victim of abuse

in your marriage...... which probably made you vulnerable to become an OW. The attention and affection you received from the MM...must have been like heaven compared to your abusive marriage. Even though you were just getting what little spare time he had.... it must have seemed wonderful to you... kind of like the saying 'in the land of the blind..The one eyed man is a king'

 

 

Your intentions in posting this .....as a warning or message to other OWs is great..... but sadly I'm not sure it will get anyone OUT of the affair.....but perhaps it would stop them GETTING into an affair.

 

Even that would save an awful lot of pain all round.

[kieraglass]

Oh please. This MM was no victim, he was the root cause of all of this. He caused it! Have you read Kiera's story? You don't see a mean man? You don't see cruelty? What kind of man takes a woman to a strip club to get lap dances after she has miscarried, is feeling sick and has clearly stated that she doesn't want to do that? What kind of man makes a joke to the woman he supposedly loved about the miscarriage on the anniversary of the miscarriage? I didn't see a man turning to care Keira for love and support, I saw man turning to her for sex "sessions" in is truck. He hadn't taken any steps at all to leave his marriage at the time of his death. He wan't torn. He wanted Kiera and his marriage at the same time and the proof of that is in the pudding as he had years to choose and he chose exactly what he had. Yet you paint this picture of a po po man who just couldn't stand up and be an adult? That po po man has ruined peoples lives and he is the one most at fault for all of this..

 

I don't see him as most at fault, and I've said this, but I heard the very same things you just said from everyone who knew him through me, my mother, my friends. Everyone was very vocal about him, particularly from the time of the baby's death when he showed his true colors. They'd been on the fence, horrified by what was happening, but willing to suspend judgement until that night I delivered alone.

 

It's all so crazy to me now, how I couldn't see. How I let myself be starstruck over and over by his love bombing and words and how the painfully obvious truth of him, the abhorrent things he did and said occasionally, would fade. Get pushed away.

 

Last night my son went back to his dad after our vacation,and i went out for a drink at a nearby pub with a girlfriend. The bartender there,who I know casually, minimally, from being there for dinner and such over the years, had met MM a few times, and they'd had some convivial man conversations about football and films and such. I remembered that, sitting there, and i briefly mentioned that he had died, to him. I don't know why. It just popped out.

 

The bartender expressed his condolences, and I thanked him. But he seemed odd. His facial expression was odd. I couldn't get a bead on it. I asked him why he seemed troubled, and he said, hemming and hawing, that he didn't really seem like someone I would be with. I pressed him on this, intrigued, and kind of horrified. I sensed he didn't like him somehow, and after everything i just...needed to know what he meant.

 

"He was a little old for you. "

 

I told him he was only nine years older.

 

"Jesus, I don't know. He just wasn't someone I could see you with. He had something going on. I'm a great read of people, and he just...i don't know."

 

More hemming and hawing. I pushed.

 

"You didn't think he was nice? You guys seemed to hit it off, I thought."

 

I was so confused. They had chatted quite a bit and I'd never sensed anything wrong. I begged him to just be honest, that I needed to hear what he meant. That it was important.

 

"Fine, " he said. "He wasn't someone you should have been with. You're sweet and gentle and he wasn't good for you."

 

"Why?" I told him to just say it.

 

He said, "Okay! Because he was-- oh my god. You really didn't see it, did you? He was shady as f**k!"

 

I was stunned.

 

I didn't see it. But a local bartender who met him a few times casually did. I have no idea what he means, shady, how one could present as such in mild conversations with a relative stranger about sports and such, but this guy was so alarmed and emphatic, so...certain. He hadn't wanted to say it. I made him. I needed to hear it.

 

He apologized for being so brutally honest. I told him no worries. I've been thinking about what he said and what it means often today. I don't even know what to think. But I do know if I ever go on a first date again, I should probably do it there and have him vetted by the bartender. That was crazy disturbing. I can't figure out what's real.

[William]

Originally Posted by Robert

Folks, moderation has had to delete about half the posts in this thread due to cruel, shameful, personal attacks.

 

No further infractions will be handed out in this thread.

 

We are going to straight to banning members that post personal attacks or lack civility and respect towards other posters in this thread.

 

Remember to post to be supportive or move on to somewhere else.

 

~6

I will bump this up once more after review.

 

The topic of this thread is NOT the right or wrong of participating in an affair. There are plenty of other areas of LS where that can be discussed at length. On this thread, feel free to demonstrate your disapproval with your lack of participation.

 

As some posters have already discovered and has been laid out by Robert above, there are no warnings on this thread but immediate suspension of all participation on Loveshack for a minimum of 5 days ~Thank you

Edited March 21, 2016 by William

[ChickiePops]

I don't see him as most at fault, and I've said this, but I heard the very same things you just said from everyone who knew him through me, my mother, my friends. Everyone was very vocal about him, particularly from the time of the baby's death when he showed his true colors. They'd been on the fence, horrified by what was happening, but willing to suspend judgement until that night I delivered alone.

 

It's all so crazy to me now, how I couldn't see. How I let myself be starstruck over and over by his love bombing and words and how the painfully obvious truth of him, the abhorrent things he did and said occasionally, would fade. Get pushed away.

 

Last night my son went back to his dad after our vacation,and i went out for a drink at a nearby pub with a girlfriend. The bartender there,who I know casually, minimally, from being there for dinner and such over the years, had met MM a few times, and they'd had some convivial man conversations about football and films and such. I remembered that, sitting there, and i briefly mentioned that he had died, to him. I don't know why. It just popped out.

 

The bartender expressed his condolences, and I thanked him. But he seemed odd. His facial expression was odd. I couldn't get a bead on it. I asked him why he seemed troubled, and he said, hemming and hawing, that he didn't really seem like someone I would be with. I pressed him on this, intrigued, and kind of horrified. I sensed he didn't like him somehow, and after everything i just...needed to know what he meant.

 

"He was a little old for you. "

 

I told him he was only nine years older.

 

"Jesus, I don't know. He just wasn't someone I could see you with. He had something going on. I'm a great read of people, and he just...i don't know."

 

More hemming and hawing. I pushed.

 

"You didn't think he was nice? You guys seemed to hit it off, I thought."

 

I was so confused. They had chatted quite a bit and I'd never sensed anything wrong. I begged him to just be honest, that I needed to hear what he meant. That it was important.

 

"Fine, " he said. "He wasn't someone you should have been with. You're sweet and gentle and he wasn't good for you."

 

"Why?" I told him to just say it.

 

He said, "Okay! Because he was-- oh my god. You really didn't see it, did you? He was shady as f**k!"

 

I was stunned.

 

I didn't see it. But a local bartender who met him a few times casually did. I have no idea what he means, shady, how one could present as such in mild conversations with a relative stranger about sports and such, but this guy was so alarmed and emphatic, so...certain. He hadn't wanted to say it. I made him. I needed to hear it.

 

He apologized for being so brutally honest. I told him no worries. I've been thinking about what he said and what it means often today. I don't even know what to think. But I do know if I ever go on a first date again, I should probably do it there and have him vetted by the bartender. That was crazy disturbing. I can't figure out what's real.

 

Did the bartender know he was married?

[ladydesigner]

I don't see him as most at fault, and I've said this, but I heard the very same things you just said from everyone who knew him through me, my mother, my friends. Everyone was very vocal about him, particularly from the time of the baby's death when he showed his true colors. They'd been on the fence, horrified by what was happening, but willing to suspend judgement until that night I delivered alone.

 

It's all so crazy to me now, how I couldn't see. How I let myself be starstruck over and over by his love bombing and words and how the painfully obvious truth of him, the abhorrent things he did and said occasionally, would fade. Get pushed away.

 

Last night my son went back to his dad after our vacation,and i went out for a drink at a nearby pub with a girlfriend. The bartender there,who I know casually, minimally, from being there for dinner and such over the years, had met MM a few times, and they'd had some convivial man conversations about football and films and such. I remembered that, sitting there, and i briefly mentioned that he had died, to him. I don't know why. It just popped out.

 

The bartender expressed his condolences, and I thanked him. But he seemed odd. His facial expression was odd. I couldn't get a bead on it. I asked him why he seemed troubled, and he said, hemming and hawing, that he didn't really seem like someone I would be with. I pressed him on this, intrigued, and kind of horrified. I sensed he didn't like him somehow, and after everything i just...needed to know what he meant.

 

"He was a little old for you. "

 

I told him he was only nine years older.

 

"Jesus, I don't know. He just wasn't someone I could see you with. He had something going on. I'm a great read of people, and he just...i don't know."

 

More hemming and hawing. I pushed.

 

"You didn't think he was nice? You guys seemed to hit it off, I thought."

 

I was so confused. They had chatted quite a bit and I'd never sensed anything wrong. I begged him to just be honest, that I needed to hear what he meant. That it was important.

 

"Fine, " he said. "He wasn't someone you should have been with. You're sweet and gentle and he wasn't good for you."

 

"Why?" I told him to just say it.

 

He said, "Okay! Because he was-- oh my god. You really didn't see it, did you? He was shady as f**k!"

 

I was stunned.

 

I didn't see it. But a local bartender who met him a few times casually did. I have no idea what he means, shady, how one could present as such in mild conversations with a relative stranger about sports and such, but this guy was so alarmed and emphatic, so...certain. He hadn't wanted to say it. I made him. I needed to hear it.

 

He apologized for being so brutally honest. I told him no worries. I've been thinking about what he said and what it means often today. I don't even know what to think. But I do know if I ever go on a first date again, I should probably do it there and have him vetted by the bartender. That was crazy disturbing. I can't figure out what's real.

 

It is crazy isn't it? I think we want to believe so bad the words that come from their mouth. This can apply to a BS too because we too get love bombed by the same person (our WH) with the same sh*t and no action. My WH is such a con man. He has always had that salesmen type personality. My dad always said he can probably talk any woman out of her pants and he was right. Another good term I like to use for love bombing is 'hoovering' like the vacuum. They suck you in with their words.

 

Actions before words always!

 

Interesting what your bartender had to say!

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Keira, I'm sorry for your suffering. You must forgive yourself, your MM's family and MM. I believe this is neeeded in order for you to release yourself and your soul from this devastating situation.

 

MM's family are the true victims in this and giving then the ring would ease a little of their suffering and also help you close this chapter in your life. Do the right thing. The gesture would show remose and help you find closure for a situation that made many people suffer. You suffered abuse during the relationship. His family suffered from the betrayal. Release yourself...and help his family feel a little at ease. It doesn't matter if they feel like they "won," you would still be doing the right thing.

 

"How people treat you is their karma, how you react to it, is yours”. ― Wayne Dyer

 

Go on and heal, learn from your mistakes and be the best mother to your child. Don't let this part of your past define you..but do let it define your future. Let this be the beginning of a new great chapter in your life as a better person, woman and mother. I do truly believe that sending the ring will be a step in the right direction.

 

What do you think, Keira?

[kieraglass]

Chickiepops,

Maybe. He wore his ring often. He began taking it off of his own accord the last few months. I didn't mention it. I felt like mentioning it would make me look desperate and delighted and i didn't want to give him that power. He'd worn it a year earlier when we went to make cremation arrangements for the baby and i was so deeply affected by that- I knew the funeral home director noticed. Signing the papers was so awkward. There was this pall in the air. It was one of the most deeply humiliating moments of my life. I never said anything to him about it. Pick your battles I guess. I suppose I was in a daze for a long time.

 

I don't know what the bartender noticed. But I did have a battle with my closest friend once. She'd said he had the eyes of a sociopath. Intense eye contact, glimmering. Etc. She became convinced he was a soc the night he told her he couldn't meet the ambulance at the ER after she called him so upset telling him to come quick, and she was devastated when he dragged me post partum and with pneumonia to that club. I didn't feel anything then. Had no fight in me. She was ready to claw him to death. We've grown so much closer again since his death, which is awful, but she says it's like I'm back finally. She said it was like watching me disappear into a void, that I had no affect, lost all my sparkle. She said it broke her heart for a long, long time. I felt awful initially that she said I'm finally coming back to life- he's dead, how could I be okay?- but I kind of understand what she means. It's like some spell has broken. All my love and pain and longing and energy and sadness went into this one thing for so long, and when it disappeared so suddenly and violently, I had no choice other than to live somehow. He hurt me endlessly after the baby and how it played out, how he treated me. I felt like garbage even on the best days. And now....it's over. I'm still garbage, I hurt so many innocent people, but....i can change my life now. I'm not waiting in limbo for someone to make me real any longer. I'm the only one who can do that. I just didn't know.

 

Awful. All of it. I got home from that pub last night and just cried and cried for him, for them, for everything that has happened. For the baby. But I feel this slight sense of hope inside, hope that at the very least i can become a better person than the one I've been since I met him. I haven't had any hope for so long it feels alien. I want to finally do something right.

[bathtub-row]

Kiera, about what the bartender said -- I say that men are very much like women when it comes to seeing the same sex for what they are. What I mean is that you've probably seen a hundred times where a woman doesn't like another woman because she can see how insincere she is and how she plays people. But the men can't see it at all. Then you'll see a guy totally dislike another guy, and the women are clueless was to why. I'd say that if this was the bartender's take on MM, then it's probably accurate.

 

I take back what I said before about MM. I didn't really know your history with him. In your initial post on this thread, you seemed really shattered and seemed to indicate that the two of you were planning a life together. I'm thinking that I misunderstood. Regardless, I can understand you being sad and what you were really trying to say to everyone about how this stuff can come back and bite; that it can all go south in a heartbeat.

[13Hearts]

He hacked dad's family phone first and found a contact for princess. Called me about the receipt he'd found. Didn't know my real name. That convo. I knew they hadn't hacked burner phone yet, knew it was coming. An hour later she began calling me from it being graphic. I understood. I couldn't blame her.

 

Son had poor boundaries, had taken things from dad's office two months before when he was visiting and dad was out. Dad found random personal things missing. Was incensed and said he had to call him and talk to him about respect and not rifling his office. He'd never shown such disappointment in son, it was notable - he was really alarmed by it. So taken aback. He'd told me once that son had a very entitled aggressive personality and that it worried him, and i understood what he meant when he took his things later.

 

I guess it was an omen. Son began rifling his belongings immediately upon the death.

 

This is all understandable. Grief plays out differently for everyone I suppose. I had it coming, and I knew it would all happen. Just not the very next day.

 

Thank you everyone. I have no notions of going anywhere with any of it, legally, etc. This is all on me. You reap what you sow. I feel like someone who was under a very powerful spell- I never thought it would break, it was a terrible struggle for a year and a half since our baby passed. I wanted to run, be free, get back my dignity, my life, get away from what honestly felt like mind control. Each time I walked, saying enough, no more, this is insanity, you treat me like garbage, he came back stronger still. In November I went five days free NC ignoring all attempts and i felt the closest to who I used to be in years. Strong. He came back, showed up at my work tearful, showed up at my gym, emails texts voicemails, please please, give me another chance, I'll make this right...all those promises they begin.

 

If I'd blocked my ears and been firm then, stayed resolute, none of this would have happened. The phone would have been empty, I'd have been erased, no photos, no texts, no vms. The ring would have never happened. Perhaps emails still but it would have been so much less incendiary. I look back and cringe. Hindsight. There would have been so much less hurt all around for them.

 

I was the purest definition of fool that there is, for him. An absolute idiot. I fell to his feet over and over each time I almost made it out.

 

I know this is the script these things follow. I posted this ending the other day not for support or sympathy- I deserve none- but to show those of you in the script, embroiled in the intensity and drama- that anything can happen, and it can turn so very ugly on a dime. I hurt so very many innocent people in my own hurt, in my stupid brokenness. I believed he was the love of my life. When he held me my throat closed with emotion for three plus years. I loved him more than I'd ever loved another person. He hung the damn stars in the sky. He was everything.

 

And now I'm looking back in utter horror. Seeing what it was. Wide awake. Finally back to me.

 

The damage I could incur simply loving him never felt real. It was so very remote. I have always been a very cautious, over thinking person, and I've always been so afraid of men, of intimacy, of doing the wrong thing in life, hurting people . With him, I was no one I knew. I ran at him headlong from the start . Even when i ran away, I boomeranged back each time, all his proclamations and candied words.

 

I was an absolute fool and i hurt so many. It's left me walking through a cloud of self hate and shame. I think of his kids and cry. This is all on me. I honestly had no concept. I wanted to be loved so very badly. Crumbs making a loaf over and over.

 

Anything can happen. I wish I stayed firm. I posted because I just want people struggling in similar things to think. I never thought this would ever, ever happen. I desperately wanted to be free of the pain for so long, but I never thought it would be like this.

 

Kiera, honey, you are a beautiful writer. You have such a way with words. And you are a beautiful person. You believed in love, and you believed in a man who likely was in awe that you were in such awe of him. You have a beautiful heart, a heart now full of angst, of regret, and of guilt. But none of that actually belongs to you. It belongs to him. You were just left holding the bag. You are left to deal with what he left behind. It seems you always have been left to deal with the messes he left behind. This is not on you and you need to find a way to get past the self-hate, and the beating yourself up. You need to let go of what HE should have been doing, let go of feeling responsible for all that, and get free of the chains he placed on you. He's dead, he's gone, and you are free.

 

Sell the ring and go on vacation. Get far away from those places and things that remind you if him. Get disconnected from those people who are calling you and lashing out at you in response to the mess HE has left.

 

Be good to yourself. Stop letting yourself think and say bad things about you. You're not being fair to you. God bless, be strong, take care!

[sandylee1]

I'm sure the bartender saw his wedding ring and knew he wasn't married to K..... unless he took it off every time he went there...but from what Keira said he never used to take it off except just recently.

[BettyDraper]

Kiera, have you ever thought of selling the ring and using the money to move away?

 

After you've taken time to grieve, a new start could be very helpful for you. That way, you won't have to be reminded of all the turmoil by living in the same area where all the trauma happened. Leaving the cities where I was abused helped immensely.

 

If your lawyer finds that you don't have to return the ring, why not put it on Ebay and start the bidding at $3,000?

[Liam1]

 

 

"Fine, " he said. "He wasn't someone you should have been with. You're sweet and gentle and he wasn't good for you."

 

"Why?" I told him to just say it.

 

He said, "Okay! Because he was-- oh my god. You really didn't see it, did you? He was shady as f**k!"

 

I was stunned.

 

 

 

Kierglass:

 

Bartenders have long been known to be good at reading people.

 

Why?

 

People come into bars and tell the bartender their secrets, almost as if he/she is a therapist.

 

There has been a long standing joke in society that if you have a problems then talking to a bartender about it will be as productive as talking to a therapist sometimes.

 

Perhaps because the bartender is a stranger who is willing to listen, and most times will listen without judging because they survive on customer's tips.

 

Anyway, I think this bartender likely had a good read on your MM.

 

He likely also has a good read on you, too.

 

In any case, I hope that the harassment from the MMs wife has died down.