My MM died in an accident

[BettyDraper]

Sueing them isn't great advice and would end very badly for the OP. When you do wrong. ... it can end up bad for you ... she needs to know that her participation in this affair was the reason the family did what they did. Sometimes you have to take personal responsibility and own the fact that your wrong choices have their consequences and repercussions.

 

If the family is as wealthy as the OP says... they could crush her and make her life he'll ..if she makes any attempt to sue them.

 

Can you see the headlines 'mistress sues betrayed widow and son whilst they mourn tragic loss'. VERY UNWISE.

 

This. Money is power and the OP would be absolutely disgraced in court.

Actions certainly do have consequences and those who are wronged often feel the need for justice when they have been hurt.

[BettyDraper]

i ABSOLUTELY agree --- the BS & her son need to take the responsibility for the abuse & harrassment instead of blaming their poor coping mechanisms on the OP - the OP is NOT the reason they're lashing out and neither is the affair: those might be the reasons for their anger but the reasons for the way they chose to act on that anger? on them, entirely; they should also be aware of the consequences and repercussions, meaning, their behavior is against the LAW... and no man is bigger than the law.

 

if the BS does not leave the OP alone - she should take her to the court; i assume she cares more about her well being and that of her child than she does about gossipy tabloid headlines no one pays serious attention to anyway.

 

Sympathy always goes to the BS in situations like this.

Money talks. Those who are wealthy can hire the best legal counsel to destroy the OP in court if she goes after the BS.

 

I'm not saying the harassment is okay. It's certainly wrong and illegal. I just think that taking the BS to court after she has just been blindsided by two awful events would be a slap in the face and also not a smart choice in the end for the OP. The sad reality is that the OP is in this appalling situation because she chose to be with another woman's husband. There would be no harassment or legal cases being discussed if the OP had not been an AP.

Edited March 19, 2016 by BettyDraper

[BettyDraper]

Sue a family who has just been devastated through death and betrayal? Oh that's a great plan. And you're calling them sadistic?

 

 

Sue them for what? For looking at their husbands/father's belongings after he passed? Looking at his phone? Well guess what? That's what happens when you die. Your family goes through your stuff, they go through your finances, they look at your receipts, they read your last words wether they be in text or email or diarys. Sue them for looking at the MM's stuff?!!PFFTTT!

 

Yeah, I don't understand that advice either.

EVERY deceased person has their belongings sifted through. It will happen to all who are posting on this thread right now when we shuffle off this mortal coil. No judge would fault the family for looking through their loved one's things.

Edited March 19, 2016 by BettyDraper

[Civil]

Kiera I may be wrong and am only speaking from a past way of coping, it seems there might be an sense of victimization and drama in your perception of what has happened. Grief is an tremendous emotion which can destroy poor coping skills into no coping skills at all. My ex-husband committed suicide and our relationship as husband and wife was abusive before he died. It took many years of abuse to leave and I didn't leave with my dignity either. I threw that away and behaved terribly. Regardless of our past I was there for him during his struggles and when he died I found out his ex-girlfriend had my washer and dryer that was given to me during my marriage and my ex wouldn't let me take it when I left. Well my grief took me to a place of wanting that washer and dryer at all costs. I acted crazy! My Dad finally said something that released the madness from my brain. Grief can take our minds to soul destroying places. It's the memories that can't be taken away, things are just things and don't hold value to what we truly loved.

 

But memories can be altered and destroyed, and it's hard to underestimate the lasting damage that does. To find that one's life is not in fact the life one experienced. The BW and her children have been betrayed by the one who was meant above all to love and protect them, and they've discovered this under the most horrific circumstance. Their memories are shattered. Everything about their family life (is it 20+ years?) is tainted, and there will never be a chance to repair that.

 

The BW and her children were in the dark and unable to participate in decisions about the course of their lives. OP seems to understand this and acknowledges that she did have agency, did know what was being done to the BW's marriage and willingly, repeatedly chose to participate with MM. For how long?

 

This family's grief and rage cannot be a surprise. If it is, do step into the BW's shoes. Imagine her life with her H. Meeting or the first time, the excitement and the attraction. The arc of falling in love and deciding to commit. Creating a home. Children. Crying babies. Gleeful kids running to dad. Coping with waves of the mundane. Years of struggle and success brought to a tragic halt. And then the betrayal.

 

As far as that ring is concerned, it probably is a marital asset. Regardless, OP is the one who would benefit greatly from giving it back. Her lawyer could do it and it couldn't hurt for him to include a note: OP regrets the pain.

[minimariah]

Yeah, I don't understand that advice either.

EVERY deceased person has their belongings sifted through. It will happen to all who are posting on this thread right now when we shuffle off this mortal coil. No judge would fault the family for looking through their loved one's things.

 

but i never gave the OP that advice --- i told her that she should SUE the family IF they continue to harrass her; no judge would fault the family for looking through their loved one's things but they sure will fault the family for abuse and harrassment - it's not about emotions, it's about breaking the LAW.

 

the abuse directed at the OP here is being taken lightly because - you're right - the sympathies always go to the BS and the BS is forever victimized.

 

and no, she shouldn't sue for MONEY - she should sue for a restraining order. i don't think this is the end of this story and i do believe the family will continue the harrassment so i would advise the OP to KEEP all the evidence.

 

also, i'm not American.

[anika99]

& that gives them the right to harrass the OP...?

 

 

 

if what Kiera writes is true -- their behavior is abusive & sadistic, absolutely. suing them for harrassment, however - is not.

 

 

 

um, for harrassing the OP?

 

& if they posted the OP's private information online - for that ESPECIALLY.

 

the BS lashing out like this and trying her hardest to get the ring back + the son contacting the OP shows you one thing clearly --- they don't have good coping mechanisms & aren't emotionally stable. i've seen others in this situation and almost NO ONE reacted or lashed out to this degree --- the pain can't be your excuse for everything.

 

is the OP supposed to stand still & quiet and take it all because she "deserved" it?

 

hell no - especially when she had a young son to take care of and who can be a potential target, too.

 

Sue for harassment? Do people do that? I would advise the OP to go to the police before I would suggest suing. I didn't see the OP say the family posted her information online. Did that happen?

 

 

Well OP if you want to take minimariah's advice and unleash that hell on yourself and the BS go ahead. Let us know how it turns out.

[anika99]

Say that again, sister.

 

OP is NOT the reason they are behaving this way. Nor is their behavior "understandable" or excusable.

 

Never said their behaviour was understandable. I said their anger was understandable. Never said the OP was supposed to just take. I've been telling her to take steps to protect herself all along.

[BettyDraper]

but i never gave the OP that advice --- i told her that she should SUE the family IF they continue to harrass her; no judge would fault the family for looking through their loved one's things but they sure will fault the family for abuse and harrassment - it's not about emotions, it's about breaking the LAW.

 

the abuse directed at the OP here is being taken lightly because - you're right - the sympathies always go to the BS and the BS is forever victimized.

 

and no, she shouldn't sue for MONEY - she should sue for a restraining order. i don't think this is the end of this story and i do believe the family will continue the harrassment so i would advise the OP to KEEP all the evidence.

 

also, i'm not American.

 

Oh okay...in North America, "suing" usually refers to seeking some kind of financial compensation for damages.

 

A restraining order doesn't require a lawsuit on this side of the pond. My mistake.

[minimariah]

I would advise the OP to go to the police before I would suggest suing.

 

i'm sorry --- in my country (and i assumed it's like that in the States, too): you go to the police FIRST and they are OBLIGATED to take it to the court, the court usually gives you a restraining order -- that's what suing means to me. other than that - you can also sue here for public embarrassment (meaning, if the family was to post the affair details online or in tabloids; she could sue and would win the case). the point of filing a lawsuit is often to make the other person FINALLY stop with the harrassment, not to actually go through with it.

 

one more thing - i misunderstood one of Kiera's posts so i thought that they were already posting her personal informations online: in THAT case, i advised to sue immediately. Kiera was talking about the MM's death being posted online, my mistake.

 

IF the harrassment continues - she should go through with it; especially because her lawyer is already involved.

Edited March 19, 2016 by minimariah

[minimariah]

Never said their behaviour was understandable.

 

but you're not holding them accountable for their abuse either; the OP had to contact her lawyer to make them stop but you're still minimizing it to "oh, she's just angry" --- this BS abusing and harassing the OP is NOT, in any way, the MM's fault. that is on her and her son.

[Ferret]

If you believe that OP dehumanised BW your theory then suggests it's just fine for BW to dehumanise OP. I believe this to be flawed thinking.

 

The OP is the effigy for BW upon which she is heaping anger because there is no one else.

 

 

This board is support for OW/OM. Therefore my aim is to support OP, as I believe is needed here.

 

NL

I don't think its right for ether of them to dehumanize ether I just pointed out that wasn't a way one street. The OP is not the only victim in this there are many and yes she is heaping the anger on the OP and she has every right.

 

Now on the flip side the OP has ever right also to not be harassed and giving back a ring that at this point seams to be more about symbolism for the wife then anything to the OP seams like the start to the OPs healing.

 

The OP herself is saying it means nothing to her she herself is angry at the MM and how he has played them all why shouldn't she do the kind thing at this point return the ring be the better person as I say at least in the court of general opinion she would have a bit better morel leg to stand on IF the harassment continued its just common sense to me..

 

Some are acting like the MM was the OPs white night and like giving back the ring is her losing a part of a great man who genuinely meant something positive in her life. When im sorry but it just doesn't seam like thats the case he seamed like a negative influence on her life in general..im hearing her talk of pain and stress the MM left her in many times of lies and half truths more then any great joys they had together..so in the end I am supporting her by trying to help her see that ring is noting but a tie to that painful past im sorry if some disagree with that but again it just makes sense to me..

Edited March 20, 2016 by Ferret

[velvette]

Kiera, I think you should give the ring back based on your own statement that he never should have given you the ring in the first place, because in your world married men don't give rings like that until they are divorced. By your own statements, you have never known what the ring even meant. With MM gone, you will likely never know what it meant. Its more like a curse imo than something you should hang onto. The resale value is not life changing and if you are wearing it how do you explain it or how will you explain it in the future. I say let it go. Call the son and hand it over to him now that you can do it on your own terms without anyone coercing you.

[sandylee1]

She won't give the ring to the family unless her lawyer advises her to ... that much she's made clear.

[imperfectangel]

Nor should she it's hers. And after the way they've behaved I certainly wouldn't reward that behaviour by giving into them

[Grammie]

wow Kiera. I just went back and read your other threads and wow, this MM was a demon. Whilst the back story is from almost a year ago, I was rooting for you to finally leave that selfish creature. The things he said and DID to you were abhorrent. I kept trying to find a reason you were so attracted to him - why you wouldn't/couldn't break free from him. You said in one of your posts that he did nothing to you that you didn't allow and that just hit me like a ton of bricks. I wish I knew why you continued to pursue a relationship with him when you saw through his actions what a horrible person he was.

 

I know you are angry at his wife and believe the tales he told you about her - but look at what he did to you --- do you think you can see what he did to HER? The woman he chose to build a life with? Do you think you can see through your pain at how her world imploded when she found out about the affair? If she read through all the text messages, she will see how horribly he treated you. She isn't ready yet to acknowledge what he did to you - she is focused on what he did to her. What he did to her children. What he did to her life. I cannot fathom the hurt, anger and disgust she is feeling right now. You know the emotions and feelings you went through for the last 3 years; can you imagine dealing with him for 25+ years? All day, all night, day after day, month after month. It is evident from your posts that you are very very angry at her; believing the things he told you about her. But if she was what he said, why did he stay? Why did he chose to continue that? BUT, think of it this way - you dodge a HUGE HUGE HUGE bullet!! Can you imagine if you had to experience what you did on a grander scale? Living with him, being in a marriage with him? The things he said and did to you --- they were disgusting...but you only dealt with him on a extreme part time basis...could you imagine dealing with him in the flesh every minute of every day for years and years? Oh my goodness, the pain she is experiencing from finding out about you must be cutting her to her core. Look at what you are experiencing and your relationship with him was rocky and tumultuous at best and look at what he did to you? Look at the pain you have dealt with prior to his death? Go back and read your posts - the pain is palpable in your words. Thank goodness you only had to deal with it for a couple years. I can't imagine the damage he would have done to you (and your small child) had you had a full time relationship with him. Be thankful that you didn't (I realize that it may be hard to at this point - I am thinking more longer down the road).

 

I understand her anger and behavior. Not everyone handles things the same way. Not everyone could deal with what she has found out. I wouldn't be so quick to judge the type of person she is...grief wrecks havoc over even the most polite, considerate person ---and then throw in the infidelity and the fact that he had gotten you pregnant. The best thing you could do for yourself is to change your contact information. If you choose to not do that, i would disable voicemail at this time and block all the phone numbers they have used to contact you. I would also not answer any calls from numbers you do not know. Time for you to heal from the abuse you endured from this jack a**. I strongly suggest counseling for you. I am also concerned about your small child because he saw his mommy go through a lot of bad stuff while you were involved with this jerk...obviously you did your best to shield him, but kids are way more perceptive than adults realize. They know sadness, anger, etc. Focusing on him, healing yourself and doing whatever you can do to come to terms with why you didn't remove MM from your life are your top priorities. I know you can heal from this. You have the strength deep inside you and you will move forward with your life.

 

I wish you the best and I hope you can learn to forgive yourself (I see a lot of self loathing in your previous posts...and I can relate in many ways).

[ShatteredLady]

Please know that my heart goes out to ALL involved in this tragedy. I say this with the very best intentions. Kindly & gently...

 

My brother committed suicide after a particularly messed-up affair situation. He was the BS & his wife was the WS.

 

Our loss was beyond words. I'm sure the OP knows what I mean & my heart aches for her & his family. When a loved one is so suddenly lost its more than the human mind can really handle. Thoughts & feelings run wild. Just functioning in a basic way seems almost impossible. I can only imagine what everyone is going through. It's all a horrific tragedy.

 

A couple of days after his death a long buried family secret came to light (not even related to my brother or his immediate family) & we all became obsessed with it! In a way it helped us survive the shock & devastation. It gave us something, anything other than the nightmare to think about & it was sanity saving!

 

For the family 'the ring' is probably just their 'thing'. I know on the surface it seems petty, that's the point. It's easier to obsess on that than the real loss, the real shock & devastation. It truly helps. I'm not trying to make excuses, just hoping for some understanding. What his family have done is wrong but from my experience they probably hardly know what they're doing. I was in complete & utter shock for a long time.

 

I'm so sorry.

 

Please OP find your own thing. I think you have! Taking your son away. Focusing completely on him (as much as possible) will honestly help you through this. Make more plans. Make a scrapbook of your vacation. Find projects, basically anything. Obsess on your boy & things you can do with him.

 

It gives you more time to process the unthinkable, the blind shock, the terrible loss. I know people say that you need to work through your loss & you do...eventually.

[sandylee1]

I don't think I could even look at the ring without thinking of his son saying .... give the ring back Princess. Calling you the name his father used to. That was a son MM told you he was very proud of..... even you posting that conversation with his son makes me shudder.. so you must have felt awful.

 

Just imagine if YOUR son was in that position 8 years from now.

 

It's one thing if they didn't know about the ring .. but it just seems so very tainted now.

[gettingstronger]

What an odd series of events not even 24 hours after a sudden death-looking through papers to find a ring receipt, checking contacts in the phone, etc...

 

I would let the dust settle and go from there- seems like there is more to this story than you know and in due time it will reveal itself-

[HappyAgain2014]

I would block their phone numbers or get a new number.

 

I seriously doubt his wife will sue you for the ring. Any legal action will make this a matter of public record. I don't think she wants that.

 

I'd put the ring away. At some point, you'll be ready to use it for something else. Maybe start a college fund for your son or part of a down payment on a home.

 

I'm sorry you're facing the music he should be facing. I'm sorry for the pain his family is experiencing. At the same time, for your sake and your son, I'm glad the affair is over and he can't come back.

 

Now you can move on to better things. Finally grieve your baby. Finally have some peace.

[Shadowburn]

When i became pregnant, and we were both married, I called him hysterical. He told me, please don't cry, we'll be together soon. Don't abort. Do this.

 

"This will give us such a chance at bliss. I envision us putting our children to bed, your little boy, our son, and watching movies together, cuddling, such a life. Stop crying. This is a beautiful thing. "

 

The baby died in my hands alone five months later, him still married. He didn't come to the hospital after I was rushed there by rescue. My best friend was frantic on the phone with him. He was afraid to come, someone at the hospital might know him... he was very known and connected. . I went through it alone, and the next morning, they discharged me, and i drove home alone.

 

He apologized profusely for over a year, for that horror. I was a sht. You deserved better. I'm so sorry I was afraid.

 

I can tell you every song in the radio that played during that ride home alone. How I had to pull over twice, faint. How I stopped at a fast food restaurant to pee and bled buckets all over the floor when i stood up. Had to wipe the pools up with paper towels bawling. Alone.

 

He was never there.

 

He gave me a ring.

 

It means nothing. Nothing at all.

 

He played us both. We were both a game.

 

I chucked my entire life away for him, because...he told me to. A year and a half later, he remained there. Baby dead, me, divorced. Me living at my mother's with nothing. And then he died.

 

Like I give a sht about a piece of jewelry after everything.

She and I were both victims of his lies and his double life and his deceit.

 

I believed him, his promises, and threw myself into the void.

 

I feel nothing.

 

It's just a ring.

 

It means about as much as his dead son.

 

He never saw him. I showed him photos.

 

Kiera, I remember your old threads and what happened now is truly awful, you suffered so much over this man and he left you with nothing.

 

You are grieving and this is normal.

But at least, you are finally free. Make your life best it can possibly be, leave all this darkness behind. Love and peace to you!

[velvette]

What an odd series of events not even 24 hours after a sudden death-looking through papers to find a ring receipt, checking contacts in the phone, etc...

 

I would let the dust settle and go from there- seems like there is more to this story than you know and in due time it will reveal itself-

 

 

It seems so at first glance, but there is probably a simple reason. If the burner phone was on MM the authorities probably returned it immediately to the W or family. I think most women if handed a secret phone belonging to their H would go through it and that probably led to everything else.

 

 

But, I agree Kiera should brace herself for there to be more to this story. The BW story to her about MM having substance abuse issues or other OW and tying all those issues together sounds like someone who has dealt with both things before.

 

 

Maybe BW was already suspicious and snooping.

 

 

Could also be as simple as going into MM email to retrieve something necessary to finances....or her son volunteering to do that for her. I seen people a number of times focus on very practical things like paying bills or cleaning the house to avoid dealing with shock or grief.

[Trishern]

What an odd series of events not even 24 hours after a sudden death-looking through papers to find a ring receipt, checking contacts in the phone, etc...

 

I would let the dust settle and go from there- seems like there is more to this story than you know and in due time it will reveal itself-

 

 

 

We don't know how it played out.

 

 

Maybe the phone rang at some point.

 

 

Maybe there was another other woman who's number was in the burner phone.

 

 

They would not just have started rifling through his contacts and looking for receipts on hearing he had died.... that doesn't make any sense at all.

 

 

The police/ambulance would have got all the possessions on him wallet/phone/s and given to the next of kin. Imagine her (BW's)surprise when she is given a phone she doesn't recognise.

 

 

Having worked in law enforcement, I know it's standard practice to hand over these things, especially where there are no suspicious circumstances surrounding the death.

 

 

The one time a police officer told me they didn't give the next of kin all the deceased person's belongings, was when a vicar died in a car accident, and they discovered a sex/bondage/cross dressing kit in the trunk of his car.

 

 

They thought it was unnecessary to pass them over to the wife and destroyed them, because of the hurt it would cause and because he was a man of the cloth as well.

 

 

If anything happened to my H, and I was given his work phone, personal phone and then another phone I didn't recognise, you bet I'd be suspicious and want to know what the third phone was all about.

 

 

 

 

It seems like they got info from the phone (about the OP) and then started looking for other things ....like the receipt. probably after seeing all the text messages between the two and possible mention of the ring in those messages.

[kieraglass]

He hacked dad's family phone first and found a contact for princess. Called me about the receipt he'd found. Didn't know my real name. That convo. I knew they hadn't hacked burner phone yet, knew it was coming. An hour later she began calling me from it being graphic. I understood. I couldn't blame her.

 

Son had poor boundaries, had taken things from dad's office two months before when he was visiting and dad was out. Dad found random personal things missing. Was incensed and said he had to call him and talk to him about respect and not rifling his office. He'd never shown such disappointment in son, it was notable - he was really alarmed by it. So taken aback. He'd told me once that son had a very entitled aggressive personality and that it worried him, and i understood what he meant when he took his things later.

 

I guess it was an omen. Son began rifling his belongings immediately upon the death.

 

This is all understandable. Grief plays out differently for everyone I suppose. I had it coming, and I knew it would all happen. Just not the very next day.

 

Thank you everyone. I have no notions of going anywhere with any of it, legally, etc. This is all on me. You reap what you sow. I feel like someone who was under a very powerful spell- I never thought it would break, it was a terrible struggle for a year and a half since our baby passed. I wanted to run, be free, get back my dignity, my life, get away from what honestly felt like mind control. Each time I walked, saying enough, no more, this is insanity, you treat me like garbage, he came back stronger still. In November I went five days free NC ignoring all attempts and i felt the closest to who I used to be in years. Strong. He came back, showed up at my work tearful, showed up at my gym, emails texts voicemails, please please, give me another chance, I'll make this right...all those promises they begin.

 

If I'd blocked my ears and been firm then, stayed resolute, none of this would have happened. The phone would have been empty, I'd have been erased, no photos, no texts, no vms. The ring would have never happened. Perhaps emails still but it would have been so much less incendiary. I look back and cringe. Hindsight. There would have been so much less hurt all around for them.

 

I was the purest definition of fool that there is, for him. An absolute idiot. I fell to his feet over and over each time I almost made it out.

 

I know this is the script these things follow. I posted this ending the other day not for support or sympathy- I deserve none- but to show those of you in the script, embroiled in the intensity and drama- that anything can happen, and it can turn so very ugly on a dime. I hurt so very many innocent people in my own hurt, in my stupid brokenness. I believed he was the love of my life. When he held me my throat closed with emotion for three plus years. I loved him more than I'd ever loved another person. He hung the damn stars in the sky. He was everything.

 

And now I'm looking back in utter horror. Seeing what it was. Wide awake. Finally back to me.

 

The damage I could incur simply loving him never felt real. It was so very remote. I have always been a very cautious, over thinking person, and I've always been so afraid of men, of intimacy, of doing the wrong thing in life, hurting people . With him, I was no one I knew. I ran at him headlong from the start . Even when i ran away, I boomeranged back each time, all his proclamations and candied words.

 

I was an absolute fool and i hurt so many. It's left me walking through a cloud of self hate and shame. I think of his kids and cry. This is all on me. I honestly had no concept. I wanted to be loved so very badly. Crumbs making a loaf over and over.

 

Anything can happen. I wish I stayed firm. I posted because I just want people struggling in similar things to think. I never thought this would ever, ever happen. I desperately wanted to be free of the pain for so long, but I never thought it would be like this.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I can't even imagine all you've been through, Kiera. I pray that you find peace and total freedom from this dark chapter of your life.

 

None of us posters is perfect. We have all made mistakes and until we've walked in the shoes of another we can't understand what demons they've fought or what they might have been through trying to get free and do the right thing.

 

My heart goes out to you and I pray that God will bless you on your road to recovery. I pray that God will bless the BW and the children of their family, too, as they try to move forward. I hesitated to write that because this is a support thread for YOU, and no one else. But, much to your credit, you have expressed sorrow for the family of the late MM and I want to encourage you that there is healing and freedom for them, too.

 

I hope you have family and/or close friends nearby to help you through this. As always, there will be many on LS whose arms will wrap around you through text as a support and encouragement to you.

 

((((((((((kiera))))))))))

[gettingstronger]

You're wise the stay away. They're an odd group. As far as the self loathing, only let it go as far as to heal you. We all have regrets, learn from them but don't let them define or drag you down too much.