From lover to stranger

[Satu]

No, my therapist did after I described how my ex girlfriend was. Then I bought and read I Hate You, Don't Leave Me and Walking on Eggshells and feel pretty confident... you've spoken to me in other threads about this.

 

Fair enough.

[blackbird_brokenwing]

Your mistake was pushing your ex to put her mother in a nursing home. You should have just supported her decision to care for he at home if that's what she wanted to do. It's her mother therefore her choice if she wants to care for her.

 

YOU wanted to be free of her mother. She wanted to support and care for her. She cut you off because you tried to force her to put her in a home by bringing up the subject repeatedly. It wasn't your choice or your place to try and talk her into putting her in a home.

 

She's made her choice to cut you off and continue to care for her mother. It's her choice. Just because YOU thought it was best to put her in a nursing home doesn't mean you are right.

 

You simply wanted her mother gone for your own selfish reasons.

Wow. That is completely and totally wrong.

 

I never pushed her. I always asked very timidly if maybe now was the time she had referred to long before, but if you know anything about BPD, you know they will not allow you to push them to do anything. She flew off the handle at just the mere suggestion. And I only brought it at times when my girlfriend was having a mental breakdown, screaming and bawling and shrieking that she hated her life, wished she was dead, why did this have to happen to her, and that she couldn't do it anymore. I didn't bring it up out of the blue, thank you very much.

 

I hadn't even brought the subject up in probably 6 months because I knew how she was about it. But everyone in my ex's life was saying the same thing - her three caretakers, her coworkers, her mom's sister and friends. This was for both of their sake, her mother needed more professional care and my ex was killing herself in the process. It was costing just as much if not more to keep her mother at her house but the mother wasn't getting any socialization, physical therapy, or anything aside from spending the ENTIRE day watching tv and being miserable. I actually truly believe her mom would enjoy a home if she gave it a chance - she's super social and loves visitors and attention.

 

And that's absolutely not why she cut me off. That's a whole different story. I merely said those things to say that it seems there is nothing that will finally make my ex say "okay, it's time" even though anyone not as close to the situation can see that it is. And that's her prerogative and cross to bear. But I am allowed to feel emotional about all this. Her mother would go on and on to me about how ex was abusing her and not letting her eat all of the cake and chocolate she wanted and she hated her life and it was all her daughter's fault. Meanwhile I couldn't do anything but listen to her rip her daughter to shreds. But despite all that, I had still grown close to the woman and care about what happens to her and it hurts to not be told these things when I was such an integral part of their lives.

 

I really wish I understand why people here are so quick to judge and rip someone apart. I was just feeling sad and not wanting to burden my IRL friends by saying "seeing that a contractor finished the ramp I had no idea she was building kinda hurts."

Edited March 17, 2016 by blackbird_brokenwing

[blackbird_brokenwing]

Also, her mother is in her mid-70s, had had a heart transplant, and now has dementia as well as the effects from the stroke. I was never suggesting she be tossed in the home to get her out of the way, I truly think she needs around the clock professional care. The caretakers my ex had are three women (one of whom is 18 years old) she knew who just had no other jobs and ZERO training in caretaking and are being paid off the books. They are great, I actually loved them all a lot, but they have confided in me numerous times that it's starting to get to be too much for them and her mother's needs are increasing and they aren't sure they want to keep doing this.

[bluefeather]

Ok, 2 things from your post #22:

 

You put too much of yourself into that relationship. To be taking that much care of her mother... that does not sound like a healthy relationship.

 

On how she can just "cut ties" like that.. again, take a look at her mother. That is the example she had to learn from. People are taught how to love by the ones who raised them.

 

This constant checking of other people online is obsession that you need to stop. I've been there too and know it is very hard. The way I worked on it was to become more busy. Do more things that make you feel good. Create hobbies and habits that will improve yourself. Then it becomes "Oh, I forgot to check on this person today." Then you say that every three days, then 5 days, etc.

[blackbird_brokenwing]

Ok, 2 things from your post #22:

 

You put too much of yourself into that relationship. To be taking that much care of her mother... that does not sound like a healthy relationship.

 

On how she can just "cut ties" like that.. again, take a look at her mother. That is the example she had to learn from. People are taught how to love by the ones who raised them.

 

This constant checking of other people online is obsession that you need to stop. I've been there too and know it is very hard. The way I worked on it was to become more busy. Do more things that make you feel good. Create hobbies and habits that will improve yourself. Then it becomes "Oh, I forgot to check on this person today." Then you say that every three days, then 5 days, etc.

You're right about putting too much of myself. I was giving about 90% and she 10%... and like I said before, I only let it get that skewed for that long because I felt like my ex needed the help and that it was a temporary situation. That the circumstances with her mom were not forever. It wasn't until the last few months that I realized it wasn't just the situation with her mom, but that she wasn't meeting my needs emotionally, or even willing to try, because of her own issues aside from her mom.

 

And I completely agree about the not checking thing. I have made progress, I used to check her social media about 30 times a day. I know, it's crazy. I would refresh it every few minutes at first. Now I only check it 2-3 times a day, but after last night, I am going to go at least the weekend. I never see anything reassuring or that makes me happy, so why make myself miserable. I'm "allowing" myself a good weekend by not checking. Of course it should be longer, but that's what I'm committing to myself for now.

[blackbird_brokenwing]

So, out of the blue, I get an e-mail this morning from her. She said,

 

Hello,Can you please forward tickets that are in your account into mine?

 

I've attached a screen shot of your account log-in name that comes up when I try to access the tickets via an email that was sent to me.

My login is: (removed)

If you have any problems or need any other information, let me know. If you could do this as soon as possible, that would be great.

Thanks

 

That's it. That the first peep I've heard from her in 3 months, to the day actually. She paid for the tickets, but they were under my account. She owed me some money which I would never try to collect, but I feel like I shouldn't feel bad for not giving her these tickets. I don't want to respond to her at all and transferring the tickets to her is some sort of response. But at the same time, I feel sort of guilty. There are two concerts of which she speaks, the first is tomorrow night, so I don't have a lot of time to consider it. Thoughts?

Edited April 25, 2016 by blackbird_brokenwing

[Jason9]

Its totally down to you, but my opinion is when it comes to the business side of things and money, its just the best to deal with it. Best thing would be to just transfer the tickets and dont respond to the email. She will get the message. The thing about this is, once you are done with this, there is no reason for her to contact you, so she shouldnt.

 

Of course this is just advice.

[keiji]

I'm with Jason. Transfer the tickets with no further explanation and ciao bambina. If she owes you money leave it to her conscience. You can't take it with you to the grave. Who cares. My ex-wife owes me like 80,000€. I hope she enjoys it (and no, i'm not wealthy, but our mental health is much more valuable).

[bluefeather]

I don't want to respond to her at all and transferring the tickets to her is some sort of response.

 

It sounds to me like that is your answer. You seem to be going through a healing process. This person is interrupting it. She broke your ties. She is selfish to contact you asking for a favor like that. So she can go to a concert? How immature of her.

 

I can see how you can feel conflicted. My outside perspective is this: She chose to shut you out. You have no obligation to her at all, and she has no right to ask you for any favors. She is mentally disturbed and you need to stay away. And this isn't any kind of spite. Straight up, she is interfering with your healing process. You have a right to protect yourself and not respond to her email, as well as to even mark it as spam.

 

Also, you are correct in that going through with it is a response.

[blackbird_brokenwing]

It sounds to me like that is your answer. You seem to be going through a healing process. This person is interrupting it. She broke your ties. She is selfish to contact you asking for a favor like that. So she can go to a concert? How immature of her.

 

I can see how you can feel conflicted. My outside perspective is this: She chose to shut you out. You have no obligation to her at all, and she has no right to ask you for any favors. She is mentally disturbed and you need to stay away. And this isn't any kind of spite. Straight up, she is interfering with your healing process. You have a right to protect yourself and not respond to her email, as well as to even mark it as spam.

 

Also, you are correct in that going through with it is a response.

 

Thank you so much. I am very much feeling what you have said here. I feel SO MUCH better now, 3 months out. I haven't checked her social media in weeks, I almost never think about her. I'm happy and carefree and wouldn't take her back in a million years. That relationship was toxic and tore me down so much. I kind of feel like, HOW DARE SHE have the audacity to ask me for this favor, after radio silence for 3 months, when I sent her multiple letters apologizing and begging and pleading for some sort of closure and she ignored me like I was trash. Now suddenly I'm worth talking to, because I hold something of value to her? I feel like if I give her the tickets, I give her back the power, the hold she had over me. It proves to her and to myself that she can ask for something and I'll bow down to it. She doesn't deserve that. She chose to sever ties completely and it effing killed me. Broke my heart into a thousand pieces. But I survived. However she made that bed and now she has to lie in it.

 

What the others said, I really do hear your points. That's what I've been struggling with all day today. Being the bigger person and just giving them to her. But there's being the bigger person and being a doormat. It's more than me giving her concert tickets or depriving her of something she spent money on, it's what it all stands for. As bluefeather said, it's really immature and selfish over a couple of concert tickets. I wasn't worthy when I was damn near suicidal and begging for her to speak to me, so what makes her worthy when she just wants some tickets? I wouldn't actively take something from her or try to sabotage her because frankly, I'm over wasting my time and energy on her. But I can passively do nothing and ignore her, which I think may be the healthiest thing to do.

[Heatemyheart89]

So, out of the blue, I get an e-mail this morning from her. She said,

 

Hello,Can you please forward tickets that are in your account into mine?

 

I've attached a screen shot of your account log-in name that comes up when I try to access the tickets via an email that was sent to me.

My login is: (removed)

If you have any problems or need any other information, let me know. If you could do this as soon as possible, that would be great.

Thanks

 

That's it. That the first peep I've heard from her in 3 months, to the day actually. She paid for the tickets, but they were under my account. She owed me some money which I would never try to collect, but I feel like I shouldn't feel bad for not giving her these tickets. I don't want to respond to her at all and transferring the tickets to her is some sort of response. But at the same time, I feel sort of guilty. There are two concerts of which she speaks, the first is tomorrow night, so I don't have a lot of time to consider it. Thoughts?

 

My gut says I would just do it and then forget about it. I mean if the person was atrociously bad to you, like horrendous and you could get away with it then you could ignore. Make cause conflict though...

Edited April 25, 2016 by Heatemyheart89

[bluefeather]

I feel SO MUCH better now, 3 months out. I haven't checked her social media in weeks, I almost never think about her. I'm happy and carefree and wouldn't take her back in a million years. That relationship was toxic and tore me down so much.

 

I am sincerely happy that you have gotten to this point.

[Downtown]

Blackbird, I join BlueFeather in applauding your progress. Nice job! I'm very happy for you.

[blackbird_brokenwing]

Ugh, guys. It's started.

 

She sent me about 10 messages this morning before I blocked her phone number. She said she's pressing charges for the tickets (?!) and sending me to jail for fraud. Then she texted me and e-mailed me from two different addresses a picture of her arm with some bruises on it that I DID NOT DO (they look square even, I wouldn't be at all surprised if she rammed herself into her dresser or something for them) and said that I beat her up. She told me to rot in hell and good luck living with myself.

 

I realize she probably has no case against me since I haven't seen or spoken to her in 3 months and over that time I never reached out electronically, only sent 2 snail mail letters within the first month. Also she lives over 500 miles away. But it's still scary and worries me that she will find some legal loophole to get at me. I pray this is all talk and she won't follow through.

 

I've blocked her on everything (which I am kicking myself for not doing months ago, but she had me blocked and I honestly figured I'd never hear from her again) and I absolutely will never respond. I'm scared though.

[bluefeather]

Ugh, guys. It's started.

 

She sent me about 10 messages this morning before I blocked her phone number. She said she's pressing charges for the tickets (?!) and sending me to jail for fraud. Then she texted me and e-mailed me from two different addresses a picture of her arm with some bruises on it that I DID NOT DO (they look square even, I wouldn't be at all surprised if she rammed herself into her dresser or something for them) and said that I beat her up. She told me to rot in hell and good luck living with myself.

 

I realize she probably has no case against me since I haven't seen or spoken to her in 3 months and over that time I never reached out electronically, only sent 2 snail mail letters within the first month. Also she lives over 500 miles away. But it's still scary and worries me that she will find some legal loophole to get at me. I pray this is all talk and she won't follow through.

 

I've blocked her on everything (which I am kicking myself for not doing months ago, but she had me blocked and I honestly figured I'd never hear from her again) and I absolutely will never respond. I'm scared though.

 

Did you respond at all to any of those messages before blocking? I hope not. Either way, all of her actions so far have shown that it was right to not respond. She is ill. I'm not in a position to give legal advice, but my thought about that is that if anyone wants to do some kind of "pressing charges," they can just try it any time. One doesn't have to say, "I'm pressing charges!" -- they just do it. This excessive amount of words to you sounds like threats... and harassment.

 

Additionally, it might help if you changed your number.

[Downtown]

Blackbird, again, I agree with BlueFeather. Given that the tickets are in your account and she owes you money, it sounds like she would have to file in civil court and could not rely on police to make it a criminal charge. If she wants to take civil action, she likely would have to do so in your jurisdiction, 500 miles away from where she lives.

[Trinity_84]

Sounds to me like she's having one of those breakdowns and taking it out on you, for attention. Please do not reply to her and give her what she is craving, silence speaks louder than words. If she were sending you a nice catching up message, I might understand wanting to reply, but she's just being nasty.

 

ps: she clearly has no case against you so it all sounds like attention-craving or mental breakdown

[blackbird_brokenwing]

Did you respond at all to any of those messages before blocking? I hope not. Either way, all of her actions so far have shown that it was right to not respond. She is ill. I'm not in a position to give legal advice, but my thought about that is that if anyone wants to do some kind of "pressing charges," they can just try it any time. One doesn't have to say, "I'm pressing charges!" -- they just do it. This excessive amount of words to you sounds like threats... and harassment.

 

Additionally, it might help if you changed your number.

No, I haven't responded to her in any way. Not only do I think that's healthiest for me and probably the best choice legally, it also gives me a small satisfaction knowing it's probably bothering her. But ultimately I don't really care what she thinks anymore and I'm SO done with this whole mess. You are right, she is ill, very ill.

 

You're also right in that she's probably just talk since she could just do it if she were going to. I've done so more research since yesterday and realize she has no case. There's no way anyone is putting me in jail for not handing over some tickets that were under my name, regardless of who's debit card paid for them. I didn't steal anything from her or sign her name to anything without her permission.

 

She sent me another few messages yesterday afternoon, one of which ended with "And you're still out a girlfriend who was way out of your league to begin with...who you beat up and then defrauded. And I'll tell everyone about it. It's no wonder you have no friends left. All in all, I'd say this is all pretty embarrassing for you."

 

It's clear she has nothing left and is resorting to very immature and petty digs at me to try to make me feel as horrid inside as she does. As Downtown can certainly attest to, borderlines hate themselves so much and she probably wants me to feel just a bit of that misery. But guess what, it didn't hurt me. I don't know what "everyone" she's going to tell since we hardly have any mutual friends in common and I do have friends. A lot more since we broke up actually since she's not controlling and isolating me anymore. I'm not embarrassed either. I'm the one who is free and over this, she hadn't crossed my mind in nearly a month before her e-mail yesterday. Yet she's the one still angry and upset and bitter. This is all really immature for a woman nearing 40.

 

Blackbird, again, I agree with BlueFeather. Given that the tickets are in your account and she owes you money, it sounds like she would have to file in civil court and could not rely on police to make it a criminal charge. If she wants to take civil action, she likely would have to do so in your jurisdiction, 500 miles away from where she lives.

That's good to know. The ticket website (not one of the major ones thankfully) sent me some e-mail about how my account is under investigation for fraud and they could end up shutting it down. But I don't even really care if they do, if me losing an online ticketing account is the worst of my problems I'm okay with that. As long as she doesn't try to take some legal action over a few tickets worth less than $300 all told for both shows.

 

(edited to add that it's only under investigation because she apparently called the site and threw a fit. She probably lied and said I stole her card or something, good thing I have the dated and original texts where she told me to buy the tickets and gave me her credit card number).

 

Sounds to me like she's having one of those breakdowns and taking it out on you, for attention. Please do not reply to her and give her what she is craving, silence speaks louder than words. If she were sending you a nice catching up message, I might understand wanting to reply, but she's just being nasty.

 

ps: she clearly has no case against you so it all sounds like attention-craving or mental breakdown

Attention craving is right. Everyone told me this would happen. My therapist, all the BPD books I read, and all of the things that Downtown posted. That she wasn't done with me and would come back eventually. However most things I read said she would come back and be nice, wanting me back, and since I absolutely didn't see that happening, I thought I was done with her for good. This vindictive attack caught me off guard, though it shouldn't have. She has nothing on me and I did nothing wrong, she lives 500 miles away and the more time that passes the more confident I feel that she can't touch me. Or so I hope and pray.

Edited April 27, 2016 by blackbird_brokenwing