Trying to get space from her, but she keeps sending me messages

[the_dude100]

I am a married guy, 32, and have a very close and married 35 yo female friend. we have been friends for a very long time. longer than I have known my wife. We started out completely as friends but in say the last year I have developed feelings for my friend. I told her and I pretty much got the "I don't think we can be more than that" and I said I was fine with it. This was half a year ago but my feelings have not gone yet. I was still seeing this friend almost every day, whether for lunch (she asks me out for lunch at least once a week), or coffee, or after work drinks and we go to the same gym classes and sports club. She also send each other many messages each day, nothing romantic, just talking about how our days are going.

I finally decided if I am to move on from these feelings and focus on my marriage I could not longer see her. She asked me out for lunch this week and I told her no. She asked if I was busy and I was honest and told her if I am to move on from my feelings for her I could no longer see her for sometime. She said OK she understood. But hen she continued to message me as if nothing happened. and at the end of the work day she asked if I was going to our gym class as usual. I kind of wanted to remind her that I said i did not wan to see her for sometime but I let it slide. Throughout the rest of the week she continued to message me as normal, even after I started to reply less and less frequently.

 

The point is, do I need to be more blunt and say that I cannot keep this messaging up either? I increasingly feel like the whole time she just seeking attention.

[OWAmy]

Platonic friendships between a man and a woman are rare even between singles.

 

I was good friends with two single guys whilst I was single and felt a massive sense of betrayal from them when they declared that they were in love with me. I never saw them as anything but friends.

 

I guess maybe this is why it's easier for married people not to have friends of the opposite sex that they see alone.

 

You are going to need to be very clear with her. Seriously she won't see anything wrong with meeting you like this because the feelings you have for her and not reciprocated on her end.

 

Unfortunately you were friends once, but that can no longer be possible now you have developed other feelings for her.

 

Sympathy to you. I have suffered great pain in having to let friends go. X

[SammySammy]

Boundaries have to be enforced.

 

You tentatively set a boundary. She has trampled all over it. You're here asking us what to do about it.

 

It's true she's been somewhat disrespectful, but do you mean what you say or not?

[PrettyEmily77]

It's perfectly possible to remain friends with people of the opposite sex, but only when no other feelings are involved. The line has already been crossed in your situation 6 months ago, and that's when things should have been addressed more clearly - IME, there's really no way back from this and the friendship is now permanently damaged.

 

Were I in your shoes, I'd stop all contact whether or not she initiates - either she's loving the attention or she hasn't gotten the message but her motives shouldn't matter to you regardless if, as you say, you want to focus on your wife (as you should, really). You barely mention your wife, btw - have you disclosed to her that you have developed feelings for someone you are still in regular contact with?

[burnt]

I was honest and told her if I am to move on from my feelings for her I could no longer see her for sometime. She said OK she understood. But hen she continued to message me as if nothing happened. and at the end of the work day she asked if I was going to our gym class as usual. I kind of wanted to remind her that I said i did not wan to see her for sometime but I let it slide. Throughout the rest of the week she continued to message me as normal, even after I started to reply less and less frequently.

 

"And what we have here is failure to communicate"~Cool Hand Luke

 

You have no control over someone else's thoughts or actions.

You can only control your own.

 

Read the bolded text above. While you have the right intention (to end this very dangerous relationship), you are not being firm enough yourself. You are sending mixed messages.

 

Your words aren't direct and assertive enough. When you say "cannot see her…for sometime", how many times did you tell her that? My point is, you shouldn't need to her that multiple times--saying NO once is enough and then just stick to the plan.

 

In addition, the fact that you responded after she texted you, sends the loud message that you didn't really mean what you said to her earlier.

 

Send her a brief but very clearly stated direct message, with the following:

 

1. acknowledge the good in the friendship

2. reason for why it has to end for good. It's a permanent goodbye--don't say "for now"--the separation has to be "for good"

3. say everything you have to say clearly and directly with nothing to wonder about later. Do NOT leave a tiny possibility open for any farther contact. It's a slippery slope.

4. Tell her that she can reply with a peaceful goodbye, but after that you will no longer contact her and no longer respond to her contacts.

 

The point is:

 

Be firm and direct in your words.

Then enforce your actions to be consistent with your words.

 

Start No Contact.

Maintain No Contact.

[privategal]

I could go on for 10 years why this friendship needs to go.

And not one reason would be because you are married.

One perspective you need to consider is..every action from her really feeds your mind and makes you believe her feelings are mutual.

But...her ego is huge to have another womans husband chasing her feels good..like a high.

Its not you she likes, its attention. She wint like to see that end.

You look weak in her eyes, like a wuss who cant gain control, like a puppy with a broken heart that hes gotta distance himself cause his object of affection wont go to the next level.

You probably feel theres hope hidden.

And this girl will play on that to get her fix.

You look like the typical steriotypical married guy, classic...developing feelings...push pull...the drama of meetibg up to try and soak up that false chemistry.

Whenever a guy says I need to work on my marriage...it never sounds good.

You need to put chains and locks on youe heart. If you want forever with your wife...lock down your boundaries...nail them shut.

Be 100% firm...It not a good idea to have a female friend, I lost myself for a bit, Im clear I have a great wife and I dont want to talk or email or go to class, because I crossed a line on accident and I now see my mistake and realize I want to spend my free time with my wife and best friend. I think its important out of respect for that we have no further communication. Please respect this and I will as well.

Then BLOCK, switch gyms, go dark and MEAN it.

This game had me trapped for YEARS with a married friend.

Please end this.

Good luck!

[jenkins95]

Excellent reply by burnt as ever. I completely agree with everything she has said. Politely and kindly spell it all out to her and wish her we'', and then end it - permanently. You don't want to be posting back here months talking about affairs, broken hearts and D-days. Nip it in the bud.

 

"And what we have here is failure to communicate"~Cool Hand Luke

 

Thanks for the reminder burnt - one of my favourite films. And I now have the theme music playing constantly in my head!

[jenkins95]

dude

 

When posters like privategal and burnt tell you to stop this now - sit up and take notice.

 

If you are in any doubt, read their threads - that should do the trick.

 

Good luck - be assertive and strong. Everyone will benefit by it. I wish you nothing but the best.

 

Credit to you for coming and asking advice now and for recognising the danger before you allowed curiosity to take over. I wish I'd done the same - great credit to you for acting early.

 

 

I could go on for 10 years why this friendship needs to go.

And not one reason would be because you are married.

One perspective you need to consider is..every action from her really feeds your mind and makes you believe her feelings are mutual.

But...her ego is huge to have another womans husband chasing her feels good..like a high.

Its not you she likes, its attention. She wint like to see that end.

You look weak in her eyes, like a wuss who cant gain control, like a puppy with a broken heart that hes gotta distance himself cause his object of affection wont go to the next level.

You probably feel theres hope hidden.

And this girl will play on that to get her fix.

You look like the typical steriotypical married guy, classic...developing feelings...push pull...the drama of meetibg up to try and soak up that false chemistry.

Whenever a guy says I need to work on my marriage...it never sounds good.

You need to put chains and locks on youe heart. If you want forever with your wife...lock down your boundaries...nail them shut.

Be 100% firm...It not a good idea to have a female friend, I lost myself for a bit, Im clear I have a great wife and I dont want to talk or email or go to class, because I crossed a line on accident and I now see my mistake and realize I want to spend my free time with my wife and best friend. I think its important out of respect for that we have no further communication. Please respect this and I will as well.

Then BLOCK, switch gyms, go dark and MEAN it.

This game had me trapped for YEARS with a married friend.

Please end this.

Good luck!

[sandylee1]

Be more direct and tell her you can't be her friend.

 

Find another gym to go to.

 

If she continues emailing .. Block her.

 

Do everything you'd expect your wife to do if she had feelings for another man.

 

This so called friend knows how you feel and rather than pull back.. she does this. Does that sound like a friend? Not a friend of your marriage anyway.

 

Go total no contact with her.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Do everything you'd expect your wife to do if she had feelings for another man.

 

This so called friend knows how you feel and rather than pull back.. she does this. Does that sound like a friend?

 

^^^^^^

This

[elaine567]

I am a married guy, 32, and have a very close and married 35 yo female friend.... .

I finally decided if I am to move on from these feelings and focus on my marriage I could not longer see her. She asked me out for lunch this week and I told her no. She asked if I was busy and I was honest and told her if I am to move on from my feelings for her I could no longer see her for sometime. She said OK she understood. But hen she continued to message me as if nothing happened. and at the end of the work day she asked if I was going to our gym class as usual. I kind of wanted to remind her that I said i did not wan to see her for sometime but I let it slide. Throughout the rest of the week she continued to message me as normal, even after I started to reply less and less frequently.

 

The point is, do I need to be more blunt and say that I cannot keep this messaging up either? I increasingly feel like the whole time she just seeking attention.

 

Bad communication.

You said due to your feelings you didn't want to SEE her, you made no mention of cutting her off from your life. When given a excellent opportunity to tell her "NO I will NOT be going to the gym" you let it slide...

YOU continue to message her too...

 

Sit her down face to face and tell her you cannot be friends any more, no messaging, no calls, no texts, no hanging out, no gym visits... nada, nothing

DO not be a coward and ghost, you have know each other for a long time, she deserves CLEAR communication from you.

[Shineshelly]

Hi the_dude100,

 

I think it is admirable that you have identified a threat to your marriage, and have taken action to protect your covenant with your even though it sounds like you care deeply about this other woman. That can be a temptation that many succumb to! This really could have caused serious damage to your marriage if you had not identified what was really going on when you did!

 

For the sanctity of your marriage to stay in tact, consider cutting off all ties with this woman. Maybe changing your phone number and all together modifying your routine so you avoid one another would be a step in the right direction. It sounds like too much of a temptation to try and be around one another, especially with your propensity to become attracted to her, and her you.

 

Marriage is worth fighting for! Have you considered marriage counseling to identify areas in your relationship that need to be strengthen to avoid this type of situation from creeping up in the future?

 

I hope you don’t mind, but I will be praying for you and that your marriage will thrive! Also, if you haven’t already, I highly recommend watching the movie, “Fireproof.” You may gain some further encouragement there!

[13Hearts]

I am a married guy, 32, and have a very close and married 35 yo female friend. we have been friends for a very long time. longer than I have known my wife. We started out completely as friends but in say the last year I have developed feelings for my friend. I told her and I pretty much got the "I don't think we can be more than that" and I said I was fine with it. This was half a year ago but my feelings have not gone yet. I was still seeing this friend almost every day, whether for lunch (she asks me out for lunch at least once a week), or coffee, or after work drinks and we go to the same gym classes and sports club. She also send each other many messages each day, nothing romantic, just talking about how our days are going.

I finally decided if I am to move on from these feelings and focus on my marriage I could not longer see her. She asked me out for lunch this week and I told her no. She asked if I was busy and I was honest and told her if I am to move on from my feelings for her I could no longer see her for sometime. She said OK she understood. But hen she continued to message me as if nothing happened. and at the end of the work day she asked if I was going to our gym class as usual. I kind of wanted to remind her that I said i did not wan to see her for sometime but I let it slide. Throughout the rest of the week she continued to message me as normal, even after I started to reply less and less frequently.

 

The point is, do I need to be more blunt and say that I cannot keep this messaging up either? I increasingly feel like the whole time she just seeking attention.

 

Do you always acquaint yourself with people who do not respect you, your wife, or your wishes? Or is it just this particular woman?

 

Of course you have fallen for and have feelings for her; you're dating her so why wouldn't you? She's not your friend, no matter how it started or what you believe or insist. You've been having an emotional affair with this person for quite some time now. Why? Why aren't you going to the gym, having lunch, going for coffee, and hanging out, doing fun things with your wife??

 

Kudos to you for not having sex with her. Or have you?

 

You need to quit playing around, cut this person off, and focus on your marriage and your poor, unsuspecting wife. You decided to marry, now hold up your end of the bargain.

 

You owe this person NO EXPLANATION. Plus, you've explained yourself to her already, haven't you? She is just not listening because she likes having you as a boyfriend. You teach people how to treat you by what you allow.