As a bs, what are some things your ws did that made it easier to heal?

[wmacbride]

If you are a betrayed spouse who reconciled with your wayward spouse, what do you feel was key to your success?

 

Also, what did your ws do for you that helped the most?

 

 

For me, what helped the most was him just sitting and holding me, cuddled up, often not saying anything. At first, I would sob a lot when we were like that, but over time, that changed to just being able to enjoy being close like that. When he was in therapy and facing his demons, I would do the same for him. I would hold him. he's told me how much that helped him.

 

It became a ritual of sorts, and we still do it a lot.

 

We have a record player, and we turn down the lights, light the candles and fireplace, listen to records from our collection.

 

Our kids will be doing their own things, and we enjoy the peace of just being with one another.

 

As I said, it's become a ritual of sorts, and as we reconciled, we built new rituals and "marriage stories". It took time, but the things that take the longest to (re)build are often the strongest.

[JohnAdams]

To answer this question, you have to ask at what point in the reconciliation process? I think the help you get from your ws evolves. However, the key at each point is actions. What actions has your ws taken to help you heal? Words help but it has to be followed up by actions.

 

I could see the sincerity in my wife in helping me heal. She always checked to see if I was ok and assured me that she loved me. We always had a great sex life, but she ensured that I was sexually happy in every way. For the most part, she was patient with my healing. Her many years of actions to prove her love and sorrow went much further than any words ever could.

 

The key is; does the actions of your ws demonstrate their remorse and dedication to you. I had a wise bs on another forum tell me she has demonstrated her love and remorse through her actions. Nothing is more important. Oh, did I say actions is the key:)

[MidnightBlue1980]

If you are a betrayed spouse who reconciled with your wayward spouse, what do you feel was key to your success?

 

Also, what did your ws do for you that helped the most?

 

 

For me, what helped the most was him just sitting and holding me, cuddled up, often not saying anything. At first, I would sob a lot when we were like that, but over time, that changed to just being able to enjoy being close like that. When he was in therapy and facing his demons, I would do the same for him. I would hold him. he's told me how much that helped him.

 

It became a ritual of sorts, and we still do it a lot.

 

We have a record player, and we turn down the lights, light the candles and fireplace, listen to records from our collection.

 

Our kids will be doing their own things, and we enjoy the peace of just being with one another.

 

As I said, it's become a ritual of sorts, and as we reconciled, we built new rituals and "marriage stories". It took time, but the things that take the longest to (re)build are often the strongest.

 

Well, we are both WS and BS but I would say transparency. No locks on phones, access to emails and Facebook, telling each other where we are and who we are with. At the same time, you have to eventually forgive, you can't keep tormenting the other person. It's not fair at a certain point. If you can't get past it, and many can't, you need to move on. We don't monitor each other, we don't actually check each others phones and stuff. You need to know that the other person wants to be with you and if they don't, they will be honest and just let you go. JMHO

[seren]

My H told me about the A, he asked if I would let him stay and he said he would do everything he could to try and repair what they had broken.

 

I never, ever checked up on him, still don't, I had to trust, from day one that he meant what he said. I gave the option for him to walk away and that I would help untangle our long life together, he asked to stay, he wanted nothing to do with OW. His choice.

 

I needed all details and told him that if anything was left unanswered or if he lied, there would be no second chances. I needed the truth, I needed to know what I needed to know and he answered some very probing questions. I needed a mind map of it all, I needed to know if love was part of it and I needed to know why.

 

I got all I asked for, all was very hard to hear, all broke us both at times, but we dealt with it as our problem, not his or mine, we were in reconciliation together and he stepped up.

I insisted he had counselling for Combat Stress, he still attends some almost 8 years later. I asked that he give OW closure, he chose not to. I disagreed but that wasn't my business.

 

We have reconciled in spades, I forgave, but I never forget, we have both cried, hugged and ranted in equal measure, but we love always. There are no secrets, not even my posts here, we are an open book to each other. If at any time either of us felt we couldn't do it, we had agreed that we would always love each other and understand if either had to go. neither of us has reached that point and I don't see it happening.

 

The most important thing he has done is to show by his actions that he regrets what he did, he has been open and honest and I feel loved and I trust. It isn't easy reconciling, it is easier to walk away, but we chose this path and I am glad, we are happy. Hiding truth, covering things up, with holding information to 'protect' me, none of these would have worked for me. I needed truth to make an informed choice, I got truth and I made my choices. he also takes time to woo me, we make time for us, we dance, we laugh, we flirt and we smooch, not bad for a pair of old farts with a nearly 30 year relationship. While the 8 month affair is part of our marriage history it doesn't define it, not by a long chalk.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Yep. Getting the painful truth was what turned the tide for me too. Another thing was when she would be the one to bring something up. Like a trigger for her, or asking if something had just triggered me. Being willing to discuss it, and take her lumps ( again ) if necessary.

 

Random apologies out of nowhere. Letting me know that she knows what a huge mistake that was, and now realizes how she hurt our relationship and took it for granted. Sharing her own hurt, while not playing the victim.

 

Funny, as I read this list, none of the things she did to make me feel better were about making me feel better at all. Nor were they attempts to do so. They were simply about sharing honest feelings, good bad or otherwise.

 

Thruth and honesty is what restores a relationship between two people. So the more of that, the better.