, seeking clarity

[CandaceLynne]

I am a 39, been married almost 9 years and have a 6 yr old. 4 years ago I sat down with husband to ask what is going on in our marriage and how do we fix it. His reply was we talk to lawyers, he told me coming home makes him sick to his stomach, he has no feelings for me and he couldn't even stand to be in the same room As me. It hit me from left field and I was totally blindsided. I begged and pleaded to make it work and try to fix it so he said he would give it 6 months more. We never spoke of it again and things eventually deteriorated again. A few years later we had the conversation again and struggled but decided we would keep trying. We do try...for a bit then we both get complacent. Its not just him it's me too. Before Christmas we had a big trip planned and I said i wasnt going because we can't even sit in the same room as each other, again I could feel that distance and anger frm him. I told him I was done and tired of living in egg shells waiting for the other shoe to drop. He convinced me to go on the trip and things were good for a few weeks afterward then all of a sudden he stopped communicating again. Moved into the spare bedroom and just stopped being here. The other day I finally said what are we doing. We talked. Again he told me he hasn't loved me for years, has no feelings, hates being at home. So we started talking and decided we should split up. Immediatly he went into business mode and wanted to talk about dividing up items in the house and custody ect. We talked for a bit then I went out for a drive to clear my head. Came back and he's now wanted to talk...is this really what you want. We talked and I was so confused. Yesterday he wanted to take me for dinner (i learned afterwards dinner was because he thought it was my 40th birthday...which isn't actually got 2 more weeks - 14 years together and he doesn't know that yet?) So we went and barely spoke to each other. Before I went to bed he wanted to decide. I told him that his words don't go away and I think of the hurtful staff he says all the time. He wants to try again. And really work at it. Is he saying this because he doesn't want to lose his house and his toys and his lifestyle or does he actually care about me (i don't know if he does)

The 2 friends I have told think I am crazy to stay and this it's been 4 years of up and down and the same things. I don't want to ruin my family tho. And I love him, but I don't know if he truly loved me.

There is so much more to this story...as there always is toy hear situations. I am just confused and need to make a decision

[66Charger]

I am a 39, been married almost 9 years and have a 6 yr old. 4 years ago I sat down with husband to ask what is going on in our marriage and how do we fix it. His reply was we talk to lawyers, he told me coming home makes him sick to his stomach, he has no feelings for me and he couldn't even stand to be in the same room As me.

 

I am sorry, Candace, what was your question again?

 

His story never changed, so you need to change yours. Currently you fear the loss. Do not live in fear another day. There is nothing to lose here, except time. Remember the last 9 years and ask yourself if you would relive those again. At this point you are 39 and have more than half of your life left. Instead of worrying about breaking up the family and all the nightmare scenarios, try a different view. A second life. A do over, with wisdom. Waking up to love, even if that love is just from your child and yourself. Sucessful coparenting. The stress and worry about his wishy washy thought process a distant memory. Even a new love. Dream higher.

 

You really dont have to think about all this, however you should change your way of thinking from what you would lose, to what you will gain.

 

From my point of view, you stand to lose a tremendous amount of time and your precious life.

[ShatteredLady]

My friend was in marriage therapy every week for 2 years. Her H only went a couple of times. Her therapist had said many, many times that she couldn't do it all alone & if he didn't step-up nothing could ever change.

 

When her therapist reminded her of this & told her it was their 2 year anniversary & my friend realized she had said so much more to her therapist than her husband in those 2 years she was finally over.

 

She knew she would be happier lonely alone than she would be lonely in her marriage. She sat in the car park for an hour but the tears didn't come. She was done.

 

Her divorce was recently finalized. She's got a huge promotion (over £1,000 take home a month!) she's 'happy'.

 

She needed it to be completely & utterly dead before she could walk away.

 

I don't know if this helps. I hope it does.

 

I've had the love of my life, all my adult life, look me straight in the eyes & say that he feels NOTHING. I wanted to die. It killed something inside of me. I don't know if I'll ever recover. Can that kind of pain go away?

[Satu]

From my journals:

 

 

No relationship is older than one day.

 

They need to be refreshed every day with a new investment of love, commitment, and passion.

 

If they aren't, they either die, or become stunted, from a lack of feeding.

 

Sometimes people just forget to invest.

 

 

All that any of us can do is to keep pouring the best of ourselves into our relationships, day after day.

 

At first that sounds like a tall order, but it isn't really, because all we have to deal with is one day.

 

 

Take care.

[Brady375]

A major thing i learned and this was huge when learning how to deal w the "process" of it all and how to find CLARITY and answers. I think this was my ultimate goal during my seperation, which was to find clarity. No matter which choice I made to stay or divorce I knew I'd be ok w my decision as long as I knew I was making the RIGHT decisions. Don't want to have regrets right?

I wanted to find The right answers and the uncertainty can drive you insane. I can tell you now I'm at PEACE.

 

Let things naturally take their course. Don't force a decision, mainly major ones. Do we seperate? Do we divorce? Do we go to counseling or stop going? If your asking yourself these questions you Don't Know. So don't make a decision. Chill out. Sometimes when u don't know what to do the best thing to do is nothing. When i made these choices I Knew the answers. I had thought about making the decisions prior to actually doing it but i didn't KNOW the answer. When I knew i knew. No questions.

Things Will Naturally play out. And you will Know these answers when you know. You'll know as a matter of certainty and fact. You won't be second guessing them. This is atleast how I came to my answers.

 

The key to letting things happen naturally to find clarity and answers is while doing this and not forcing it make sure you are Putting your best foot forward everyday. Sure your not perfect and you'll slip up. But if your doing your best by your marriage and doing what's within your true mental and physcial abilities when you Naturally come to Find your answers your Conscious will be Clear. And you'll feel good.

 

There are no Short cuts. Don't try to take any. Let things play out, Never make Rash decisions based off of emotions when ur in the storm. Do this and you'll leave or go back happy and be sure of yourself. I am.

Edited March 23, 2016 by Brady375

[S2B]

Yep, the decision is really up to you - so is the action to take steps toward that decision.

 

He's already decided - he is absent and not participating in a married life.

 

It's really not bad like you think it will be. I avoided divorce for 23 years. Finally I had enough and took action to make it happen. I've never regretted it...and for many reasons out marriage was good, great even.

 

Don't let fear hold you back from being happy. Life is too short.