Successful searching vs unsuccessful searching

[ZA Dater]

What sort of people are you mixing with here?

And more importantly why are you spending time with them?

It is NOT their fault they are NOT your type of people, I am sure they are perfectly happy, it is YOUR fault for not choosing to mix with people who share your interests.

 

These people range from 28-49.

 

I suppose I am just wrong to take any sort of interest in the world around me. Someone once told me "you know a lot but its all irrelevant".

 

I wont type my reply to this.

[ZA Dater]

Probly made you feel like you advertise or make your inexperience way to public if your friends can't resist holding back that info when trying to get you a date.

 

And correct me if I'm wrong but if you have friends that try to set you up on dates.... Where is this "I have no friends! I have no chance" truth coming from?

 

My inexperience is pretty obvious to all and sundry. I have been around the same people for near as makes no difference 15 years and in that time I have never brought a partner to any event barring one. Friend, I have a friend and many people I know. He doesn't set me up with anyone anymore because what he thinks I like is not what I actually like and trying to explain this is like trying to extract water from a rock.

[Empire87]

Seeing you mention age I have gone as high as 35yo and the knowledge of world affairs is shockingly non existent.

 

Its not about being interested in something its about being in tune with the world around you and having some interest in it. Its enormously frustrating to continually have to try and add value to the types of conversations mentioned above.

 

Everyone here laughs at my pneitis, its simply I spend the last 20 years looking for someone with that level of knowledge, that level of intellect and that level of writing ability, that vocab and that knowledge of the world around her. The fact she too was single for 5 years tells me a lot.

 

So you've spent 20 years looking for an intellectual woman who can talk a out international news? If that's what you were thinking about as a 12 year old then that's a strange thing to do. Plus I thought you didn't participate in social development during your youth?

 

When your dots don't connect , it's because they don't make sense and that's because they're not the actual way things exist

[ZA Dater]

So you've spent 20 years looking for an intellectual woman who can talk a out international news? If that's what you were thinking about as a 12 year old then that's a strange thing to do. Plus I thought you didn't participate in social development during your youth?

 

When your dots don't connect , it's because they don't make sense and that's because they're not the actual way things exist

 

My dots connect perfectly, I was always into general knowledge and politics during the school years, had a few friends who were into the same, we just drifted apart after school, all of them bar one are married now.

 

I am strange but well spoke, intellectual, knowledgeable people who can write well have always impressed me. Other guys think 32 DD is impressive I think someone who wow's with her vocab is impressive.

 

You can call my credibility into question but I have only ever been honest here.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

So I guess the OP should give up at 35, 40?

[Imajerk17]

This thread does seem strange to me. I live not too far away from the US Capital, and Match is *chock full of* nice cute really smart nerdy girls w advanced degrees who would love to find a nice guy to discuss world affairs with. You've looked so hard to find a girl like this for how long and you've hardly had any luck? Seriously?

 

If moving to the US is out of the question, what about enrolling in a graduate program for foreign affairs. Female graduate students in history departments often outnumber males.

 

The type of girl you seem to be looking for is definitely out there and even better news: she probably isn't hanging around bars. All this hang-wringing just seems besides the point to me.

Edited March 23, 2016 by Imajerk17

[Rejected Rosebud]

You should switch from a *get* mentality to a *give* mentality.

 

I think this is the key to everything. Since, OP, you are not open to this and you are 100% committed to your notions, you are indeed stuck.

 

I don't wish for anything bad to happen to you - but sometimes, a dramatic turn of events is what it takes for a person to get shaken out of a state of myopic self pity and thwarted entitlement, and into a state of gratitude and a desire to put the most they possibly can into the great gifts they've been given.

[ZA Dater]

I think this is the key to everything. Since, OP, you are not open to this and you are 100% committed to your notions, you are indeed stuck.

 

I don't wish for anything bad to happen to you - but sometimes, a dramatic turn of events is what it takes for a person to get shaken out of a state of myopic self pity and thwarted entitlement, and into a state of gratitude and a desire to put the most they possibly can into the great gifts they've been given.

 

The bold part is extremely patronising.

 

 

I don't feel I am entitled to anything, everything I have managed to achieve is due to extremely hard work and perseverance. What should I be grateful for in terms of dating, please expand on that point if you don't mind.

 

 

Great gifts, what might these be?

 

 

Believe me one thing I don't suffer from is self pity, I live in reality and my reality is one where I am standing on the dock watching the ship sail and there is nothing I can do about it.

[ZA Dater]

This thread does seem strange to me. I live not too far away from the US Capital, and Match is *chock full of* nice cute really smart nerdy girls w advanced degrees who would love to find a nice guy to discuss world affairs with. You've looked so hard to find a girl like this for how long and you've hardly had any luck? Seriously?

 

If moving to the US is out of the question, what about enrolling in a graduate program for foreign affairs. Female graduate students in history departments often outnumber males.

 

The type of girl you seem to be looking for is definitely out there and even better news: she probably isn't hanging around bars. All this hang-wringing just seems besides the point to me.

 

I have been on 7 different dating sites and you know what I cant find any of these people you say there are so many of. Its all good and well to enrol for a programme, I neither have the time nor the inclination after spending rather too many years studying to study again in the hope I may meet someone. After all I have already been told I am too old for 22-27yo's and they are blessed so many better choices than me.

 

 

Thanks anyway.

[carhill]

Yep, and if 'ZA' is indicative of .za, meaning South Africa, that's a whole different kettle of fish from here in the states. Granted, I've only been to Pretoria and JoBerg but those societal dynamics varied markedly from how things were in NYC where I left from and returned to. Dating, IME, is very demographic driven and it's a big world. I had my most successful searching in the FSU because, one, men who women desired were in shortage and, oddly, my style matched up better with the local men so hence was better received by the women and, most importantly, the women were *single*.

 

Well worn advice, TBS, but if it ain't working locally, get out. Worked great for me, though I beat myself up for over a decade trying to fit the local mold. Waste of time.

[ZA Dater]

Yep, and if 'ZA' is indicative of .za, meaning South Africa, that's a whole different kettle of fish from here in the states. Granted, I've only been to Pretoria and JoBerg but those societal dynamics varied markedly from how things were in NYC where I left from and returned to. Dating, IME, is very demographic driven and it's a big world. I had my most successful searching in the FSU because, one, men who women desired were in shortage and, oddly, my style matched up better with the local men so hence was better received by the women and, most importantly, the women were *single*.

 

Well worn advice, TBS, but if it ain't working locally, get out. Worked great for me, though I beat myself up for over a decade trying to fit the local mold. Waste of time.

 

ZA is indicative of South Africa yes, in my case Cape Town. I am glad that someone finally acknowledges not all places are the same and dynamics do differ. 8/10 chicks have issues here finding dates.

 

 

Unfortunately getting out isn't much of an option.

[normal person]

ZA is indicative of South Africa yes, in my case Cape Town. I am glad that someone finally acknowledges not all places are the same and dynamics do differ. 8/10 chicks have issues here finding dates.

 

 

Unfortunately getting out isn't much of an option.

 

The reason I never mentioned it is because Cape Town is fairly large. The culture might be different, but the demographics of living in a large cosmopolitan city are still pretty advantageous. Larger cities tend to be more sexually liberal, at least in this hemisphere. Yes, dynamics do differ. Again, dating is a numbers game so it's good to give yourself the best odds of success. You've got to go where the women are (that's why New York is great).

 

So, let's brainstorm. If 80% of the women have issues meeting someone, why do you think that is, and what could you do to turn that into an opportunity for yourself?

[ZA Dater]

The reason I never mentioned it is because Cape Town is fairly large. The culture might be different, but the demographics of living in a large cosmopolitan city are still pretty advantageous. Larger cities tend to be more sexually liberal, at least in this hemisphere. Yes, dynamics do differ. Again, dating is a numbers game so it's good to give yourself the best odds of success. You've got to go where the women are (that's why New York is great).

 

So, let's brainstorm. If 80% of the women have issues meeting someone, why do you think that is, and what could you do to turn that into an opportunity for yourself?

 

My 8/10 comment was more in terms of looks, 8 out of 10 looks wise ladies battle to find guys and they have the ability to pick and choose. I don't seemingly have that luxury.

 

I see your logic, its very obvious and yes it makes sense to go where they are but the places they are don't interest me at all so I am always fighting this inherent dislike for these places with the need to go where people are. Finding a balance has proved thus far to be impossible.

 

Like everyone I can sit and boast and sell myself but its not something I particularly enjoy doing for whatever reason but what has become obvious is I don't have a particularly interesting persona to most people. A guy who writes articles and is working on a novel doesn't seem to impress many people. Yes, I run a pretty prestigious social mutual interest club but again that's never really helped me either, there always seems to be this gulf between what I have an what people seem to want.

 

Rugby is our equivalent of football, most guys here are into it. I have no interest in it. Watching it is considered a social event.

 

Saying people need to try adapt to what other do and want is again logical but its very much easier said than done, should one just pretend to be interested?

 

How do I overcome the fact that I am fundamentally a shy person, it takes people ages to get to know me, most don't have the patience for this. I am fairly good at the written word but even then I cannot relate to most people on the OLD platform. At the moment I have something that is probably 40% of what I want but its still nice. Working with someone on various projects, its mutually beneficial for both of us, she pushes me to be better and between us we get some good work published and share in the recognition/reward.She forces me to raise me game and its just a nice situation to be in because in all honesty when I comes to ladies I always feel like I need to lower my game to be understood.

 

I am realistic about what I can and cannot get so I am not exactly trying to get 9 and 10s, 6s and perhaps 7 is the best I can realistically do but if I am going to go there the same non neg. criteria in terms of eloquence, class and vocab apply. Its extremely difficult for whatever reason to find those people, perhaps I look in the wrong places but its just very difficult.

[elaine567]

Rugby is our equivalent of football, most guys here are into it. I have no interest in it. Watching it is considered a social event.

 

Saying people need to try adapt to what other do and want is again logical but its very much easier said than done, should one just pretend to be interested?

Lots of people use "interests" to get themselves accepted by a good crowd.

Yes, there will be fanatics who live and breathe the hobby/sport/interest, but there are also a lot of people only there for the social contact.

 

How do I overcome the fact that I am fundamentally a shy person

- You have a drink.

Alcohol oils the wheels of social interaction. In manageable quantities it gives those who lack confidence, confidence and allows shy people to come out of their box, it gives rigid people the ability to loosen up a bit and gives anxious people some inner strength.

Unless you do not drink as you are an ex alcoholic, then experiment with the odd glass of wine or a pint of beer, it will make a big difference.

[SammySammy]

Unfortunately this is also a very bad case of "Oneitis".

There is only one cure, but the lady in question is just not interested.

Until that problem is addressed and sorted, it is indeed "hopeless".

 

Oneitis?

 

That's an old school PUA term.

 

What you know about that?

[elaine567]

Oneitis?

That's an old school PUA term.

 

What you know about that?

 

I wasn't aware of the PUA connection.

But "Oneitis is the term used to describe a condition where a man becomes infatuated and obsessed with one single female."

and that describes ZA Dater to a T.

[SammySammy]

I wasn't aware of the PUA connection.

But "Oneitis is the term used to describe a condition where a man becomes infatuated and obsessed with one single female."

and that describes ZA Dater to a T.

 

That's true. That's what it means.

 

It's one of the many terms PUAs used around twenty years ago. I just found it interesting a woman on this site knew that. There was always a few women around - watching and learning. Some criticizing. Some offering feedback. Some were really true players themselves. I was just wondering if you were one of those who had learned the ways of the PUA.

[ZA Dater]

Lots of people use "interests" to get themselves accepted by a good crowd.

Yes, there will be fanatics who live and breathe the hobby/sport/interest, but there are also a lot of people only there for the social contact.

 

- You have a drink.

Alcohol oils the wheels of social interaction. In manageable quantities it gives those who lack confidence, confidence and allows shy people to come out of their box, it gives rigid people the ability to loosen up a bit and gives anxious people some inner strength.

Unless you do not drink as you are an ex alcoholic, then experiment with the odd glass of wine or a pint of beer, it will make a big difference.

 

I have no desire to have a drink, I have tried it before and it doesn't suddenly transform me into a more confident less shy person. I also take issue with the fact the many people believe they can only have fun when they drink, personally I find that quite sad.

[Rejected Rosebud]

The bold part is extremely patronising.

 

No, it's not. I've been through some things in my life that I didn't think I'd survive. Since then, I am living in a state of gratitude. I think gratitude will help anyone who is pretty much obsessed that they are not getting what they think they "deserve" out of life.

 

 

I don't feel I am entitled to anything, everything I have managed to achieve is due to extremely hard work and perseverance. What should I be grateful for in terms of dating, please expand on that point if you don't mind.

I don't think you should be grateful for anything in terms of dating. I think it would be best if a person's gratitude for all the gifts of life outweighed their concerns about dating.

 

 

Believe me one thing I don't suffer from is self pity, I live in reality and my reality is one where I am standing on the dock watching the ship sail and there is nothing I can do about it.

I get a tremendous amount of self pity from your posts. It's not an attractive trait and I believe that if you were to focus on the good things in your life and doing something positive that brings you joy, and maybe even some things for other people, you would become a more attractive guy. I understand that these things are not acceptable options for you though. :( So I am just going to go along with you. The ship has sailed.

[Imajerk17]

I agree w Rejected Rosebud. OP, look, I am all for Being You and doing things that bring *you* joy. However, you seem to look down upon almost everything and almost everyone. And your posts on here give the impression of someone who feels he has it worse than anyone else.

 

Are you like this in person? These traits are huge turn-offs, especially to the extremely sharp aware women you are hoping to attract.

Edited March 24, 2016 by Imajerk17

[ZA Dater]

and maybe even some things for other people, you would become a more attractive guy. I understand that these things are not acceptable options for you though. :( So I am just going to go along with you. The ship has sailed.

 

My entire social life, what there is of it is structured around being there for other people whenever they need me, helping always, people that now me will tell you one thing I am not is selfish. There was someone, I met her once but she had a really bad lot in life, I helped her to believe she could be better and you know what today she is doing well, met a nice guy who adores her and career wise she has gone from figuratively a dead end job to something that has real promise.

 

 

Then there is the person I met who couldn't afford to finish her degree due to a parent passing away and severe financial strain, I helped her because I could and it was the right thing to do, she finished her degree.

 

 

I am indeed thankful for many things but I also feel a great degree of frustration that I am not what people like, every good intention I have never seems to really work out that way. What I have created here now is someone who gives unconditionally, cares unconditionally and I am happy to be that what is frustrating is its hard to come to terms that those qualities just aren't enough to even interest anyone slightly. My belief has always been to give more than I take, people offer me things, 9 out of 10 times I refuse because it feels wrong to take.

 

 

The unfortunate thing about me is the goodness in me isn't something I have worked out how to parade like people parade charm, I don't boast about people I help, its pointless to boast I am just doing what I think anyone else would do.

 

 

Equally its also very unfortunate the hang ups I have seem to outweigh anything interesting about me, believe me I try very hard when I have the opportunity to just be what I think is a personably person but clearly it doesn't really work, my lack of success is clearly evident of that.

 

 

What do I really need is probably just a penpal. Someone I can take an interest in and perhaps she takes an interest in me, totally unromantic, at least then I can wake up in the morning, send an e mail asking how someone is, listen to them, offer opinions. Just the fact knowing someone has an interest in me would be a comfort in itself.

 

 

I wont lie, its incredibly tough sometimes to sit at dinners, everyone partnered up, to sit with a friend at a coffee shop, "how about her she is very hot" and I just know I couldn't ever hope to get anywhere with her, perhaps its defeatist but I just don't have the inclination for more rejection, yes people say have been rejected a 100 time, that's true but I also have never been accepted either, never had the romantic kiss, in fact I have never been kissed ever. Situations where I did click with people, even those went nowhere.I am looking for that special moment, just perhaps once have mutual attraction. How many people here have never experienced mutual attraction?

 

 

The harsh reality is this, even if I found someone who did like me and I did like her it would never work because I wouldn't know what to do and my inexperience at relationships will just chase her away. I challenge any of you to try fall asleep with that thought in your mind.

 

 

Sincerely.

[scorpiogirl]

My entire social life, what there is of it is structured around being there for other people whenever they need me, helping always, people that now me will tell you one thing I am not is selfish. There was someone, I met her once but she had a really bad lot in life, I helped her to believe she could be better and you know what today she is doing well, met a nice guy who adores her and career wise she has gone from figuratively a dead end job to something that has real promise.

 

 

Then there is the person I met who couldn't afford to finish her degree due to a parent passing away and severe financial strain, I helped her because I could and it was the right thing to do, she finished her degree.

 

 

I am indeed thankful for many things but I also feel a great degree of frustration that I am not what people like, every good intention I have never seems to really work out that way. What I have created here now is someone who gives unconditionally, cares unconditionally and I am happy to be that what is frustrating is its hard to come to terms that those qualities just aren't enough to even interest anyone slightly. My belief has always been to give more than I take, people offer me things, 9 out of 10 times I refuse because it feels wrong to take.

 

 

The unfortunate thing about me is the goodness in me isn't something I have worked out how to parade like people parade charm, I don't boast about people I help, its pointless to boast I am just doing what I think anyone else would do.

 

 

Equally its also very unfortunate the hang ups I have seem to outweigh anything interesting about me, believe me I try very hard when I have the opportunity to just be what I think is a personably person but clearly it doesn't really work, my lack of success is clearly evident of that.

 

 

What do I really need is probably just a penpal. Someone I can take an interest in and perhaps she takes an interest in me, totally unromantic, at least then I can wake up in the morning, send an e mail asking how someone is, listen to them, offer opinions. Just the fact knowing someone has an interest in me would be a comfort in itself.

 

 

I wont lie, its incredibly tough sometimes to sit at dinners, everyone partnered up, to sit with a friend at a coffee shop, "how about her she is very hot" and I just know I couldn't ever hope to get anywhere with her, perhaps its defeatist but I just don't have the inclination for more rejection, yes people say have been rejected a 100 time, that's true but I also have never been accepted either, never had the romantic kiss, in fact I have never been kissed ever. Situations where I did click with people, even those went nowhere.I am looking for that special moment, just perhaps once have mutual attraction. How many people here have never experienced mutual attraction?

 

 

The harsh reality is this, even if I found someone who did like me and I did like her it would never work because I wouldn't know what to do and my inexperience at relationships will just chase her away. I challenge any of you to try fall asleep with that thought in your mind.

 

 

Sincerely.

 

 

Your "helping people" is NOT a reason people should go out with you. Nor is your studying. Nor is any of the other useless stuff you mention in post after post after post.

 

 

I hate rugby. I don't drink. I hate the braai and beer culture. I LOVE discussing politics and world affairs and conspiracy theories, and I have an amazing general knowledge - I've won GK contests. I'm interested in History. I can speak to a broad range of topics. When my friends do have a braai, I go. I go for their company and I talk and have a good time. I drink water or juice and nobody says anything. I won't go two weekends in a row, but I don't go and then sit in a corner and lament the fact that I hate braais and drinking and why does everyone HAVE to drink?

 

 

I'm introverted and shy. I used to want the earth to swallow me whole if anyone looked at me, or expected me to speak in public.

 

 

My interests were never my friends'. I've been to clubs a handful of times in my life.

But nobody tried to mould me into something I didn't want to be. Nobody thought I was weird for not drinking. Incidentally, I had a relationship with a man for over a year who had never even tried a drop of alcohol- didn't know what it tasted like. I loved that about him. None of the men I date are drinkers. This is irrelevant in our dating life.

 

 

My friends tease me about my idiosyncracies but are not mean about it. I would bet your friends aren't mean either but you have such a huge chip on your shoulder that you can only think "ME ME ME".

We are all different people. We are different stages in our lives. I have a friend who is married and has two kids and never been abroad. I'm single, live abroad and travel extensively. I don't look down on her and wonder why SHE found a husband and I didn't. She loves her life as a wife and mother and doesn't wonder how I got so lucky to see the world. She is NOT interested in discussing world affairs with me. She loves my pictures of my visit to DC, but she has no clue what most of my pictures are about.

 

 

She only knows that I've wanted to stand in front of the Charters of Freedom for almost my whole life, and when I finally did, she was super stoked for me.

 

 

I don't try and tell her my stories of the visit apart from the non-political stuff. She's good with money, accounting, and computers. We don't talk about that because I cannot talk about it. If she explains something to me, I listen and we can then discuss that aspect of her work because I listened. We laugh, we gossip and we like being around each other.

 

 

I have another friend who has a millionaire boyfriend in Europe, who thinks she walks on water. Incidentally, they met in Cape Town. You realize that there are not only South African women in CT. I doubt many women in your selected age range would know or care about Trump's chances but SA and CT are portals to the rest of the world. I don't wonder how she got him and think I should have him instead because I have XYZ and she doesn't

She's also my friend who I discuss more serious things with. We're on similar intelligence levels. But you know what, we ALSO talk about frivolous things, like hair and make-up.

 

I work out to lose weight. Neither of those friends are into lifting weights and trying new exercises. Guess what, I have workout friends too. We motivate each other and can discuss types of exercises that work for us.

 

 

I have spiritual friends who are interested in religion, but I also have friends who are interested in supernatural occurrences. I'm fascinated by both but I don't expect all my friends to be into the same things as I am. No one person can meet all your needs.

 

Life does NOT have to be so serious all the time.

 

 

The worst of it is, all these women are South African. They are intelligent, well-rounded, successful and everything else you would look for, but you seem to look down on the women in your city and country. You look no further than in a 500 metre radius around you and then judge all women as vapid and less intelligent than you.

 

 

You have hang-ups but you want to blame everyone and everything for you lack of "success".

 

 

You want to know what the secret to success is?

Stop thinking about yourself.

Stop feeling entitled to a "chance"

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Don't want to be around drinking and clubbing? Stay away from bars and clubs.

 

 

I do, however think you're right. You should give up. Nobody wants to go out with someone who has this huge black cloud over them.

I'm 38 and I wouldn't take you on, even if you DEIGNED to look twice at me, which you wouldn't since I'm in my late 30s and single so I Must have baggage. I think it would be exhausting to be around someone who, I imagine, walks around with stooped shoulders.

 

 

So stop looking because the reason why you haven't found anyone are crystal clear to everyone who reads your posts, but you won't acknowledge your lack of effort.

 

 

Oh and stop waiting for "K" to come back. She won't. Move on

[normal person]

I am indeed thankful for many things but I also feel a great degree of frustration that I am not what people like, every good intention I have never seems to really work out that way. What I have created here now is someone who gives unconditionally, cares unconditionally and I am happy to be that what is frustrating is its hard to come to terms that those qualities just aren't enough to even interest anyone slightly. My belief has always been to give more than I take, people offer me things, 9 out of 10 times I refuse because it feels wrong to take.

 

If you want to help people because it's the right thing to do and it makes you feel good, that's great. Let that be it. What you can't do is expect some sort of dividend of affection in return, from the person in general, or from the universe in some form of karma. It just doesn't work like that. I'm sure those people are appreciative of you, as they should be. But as I said in an earlier post, good deeds often aren't enough to influence attraction. People don't get turned on by good deeds. They're not bad, but they just don't flip the switch like, say, playing a guitar or coming up with a hilarious joke.

 

The unfortunate thing about me is the goodness in me isn't something I have worked out how to parade like people parade charm, I don't boast about people I help, its pointless to boast I am just doing what I think anyone else would do.

 

No need to parade it. Do good things because it's the right thing to do, not as a selling point. Have other selling points.

 

What do I really need is probably just a penpal. Someone I can take an interest in and perhaps she takes an interest in me, totally unromantic, at least then I can wake up in the morning, send an e mail asking how someone is, listen to them, offer opinions. Just the fact knowing someone has an interest in me would be a comfort in itself.

 

I think people here have taken an interest and are very willing to help. That's why they reply.

 

 

The harsh reality is this, even if I found someone who did like me and I did like her it would never work because I wouldn't know what to do and my inexperience at relationships will just chase her away. I challenge any of you to try fall asleep with that thought in your mind.

 

If you really think that, then what's the point of all this?

[ZA Dater]

Your "helping people" is NOT a reason people should go out with you. Nor is your studying. Nor is any of the other useless stuff you mention in post after post after post.

 

 

I hate rugby. I don't drink. I hate the braai and beer culture. I LOVE discussing politics and world affairs and conspiracy theories, and I have an amazing general knowledge - I've won GK contests. I'm interested in History. I can speak to a broad range of topics. When my friends do have a braai, I go. I go for their company and I talk and have a good time. I drink water or juice and nobody says anything. I won't go two weekends in a row, but I don't go and then sit in a corner and lament the fact that I hate braais and drinking and why does everyone HAVE to drink?

 

 

I'm introverted and shy. I used to want the earth to swallow me whole if anyone looked at me, or expected me to speak in public.

 

 

My interests were never my friends'. I've been to clubs a handful of times in my life.

But nobody tried to mould me into something I didn't want to be. Nobody thought I was weird for not drinking. Incidentally, I had a relationship with a man for over a year who had never even tried a drop of alcohol- didn't know what it tasted like. I loved that about him. None of the men I date are drinkers. This is irrelevant in our dating life.

 

 

My friends tease me about my idiosyncracies but are not mean about it. I would bet your friends aren't mean either but you have such a huge chip on your shoulder that you can only think "ME ME ME".

We are all different people. We are different stages in our lives. I have a friend who is married and has two kids and never been abroad. I'm single, live abroad and travel extensively. I don't look down on her and wonder why SHE found a husband and I didn't. She loves her life as a wife and mother and doesn't wonder how I got so lucky to see the world. She is NOT interested in discussing world affairs with me. She loves my pictures of my visit to DC, but she has no clue what most of my pictures are about.

 

 

She only knows that I've wanted to stand in front of the Charters of Freedom for almost my whole life, and when I finally did, she was super stoked for me.

 

 

I don't try and tell her my stories of the visit apart from the non-political stuff. She's good with money, accounting, and computers. We don't talk about that because I cannot talk about it. If she explains something to me, I listen and we can then discuss that aspect of her work because I listened. We laugh, we gossip and we like being around each other.

 

 

I have another friend who has a millionaire boyfriend in Europe, who thinks she walks on water. Incidentally, they met in Cape Town. You realize that there are not only South African women in CT. I doubt many women in your selected age range would know or care about Trump's chances but SA and CT are portals to the rest of the world. I don't wonder how she got him and think I should have him instead because I have XYZ and she doesn't

She's also my friend who I discuss more serious things with. We're on similar intelligence levels. But you know what, we ALSO talk about frivolous things, like hair and make-up.

 

I work out to lose weight. Neither of those friends are into lifting weights and trying new exercises. Guess what, I have workout friends too. We motivate each other and can discuss types of exercises that work for us.

 

 

I have spiritual friends who are interested in religion, but I also have friends who are interested in supernatural occurrences. I'm fascinated by both but I don't expect all my friends to be into the same things as I am. No one person can meet all your needs.

 

Life does NOT have to be so serious all the time.

 

 

The worst of it is, all these women are South African. They are intelligent, well-rounded, successful and everything else you would look for, but you seem to look down on the women in your city and country. You look no further than in a 500 metre radius around you and then judge all women as vapid and less intelligent than you.

 

 

You have hang-ups but you want to blame everyone and everything for you lack of "success".

 

 

You want to know what the secret to success is?

Stop thinking about yourself.

Stop feeling entitled to a "chance"

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Don't want to be around drinking and clubbing? Stay away from bars and clubs.

 

 

I do, however think you're right. You should give up. Nobody wants to go out with someone who has this huge black cloud over them.

I'm 38 and I wouldn't take you on, even if you DEIGNED to look twice at me, which you wouldn't since I'm in my late 30s and single so I Must have baggage. I think it would be exhausting to be around someone who, I imagine, walks around with stooped shoulders.

 

 

So stop looking because the reason why you haven't found anyone are crystal clear to everyone who reads your posts, but you won't acknowledge your lack of effort.

 

 

Oh and stop waiting for "K" to come back. She won't. Move on

 

There are many contradictions in the above post.

 

 

"I go for my friends company" and later on its tacitly clear you have very little in common with some of your friends. I would have though being friends with somebody would happen due to common interests so what am I missing here?

 

 

Let me ask you this. How many times have someone at a braai questioned why you aren't drinking? FYI internationals, a braai is a barbeque.

 

 

You refuse to accept my experience may be different to yours, why is that?

 

 

If not drinking is so irrelevant then why is it every person is gobsmacked when I mention I don't drink, very clearly in my experience it has been very relevant.

 

 

Unfortunately I am a serious guy and its a good job I don't take things too personally or I might have been somewhat offended at the content of your posts and the apparent put downs. Fortunately I have heard most of them before to the effect is merely water off a ducks back.

 

 

I am battling to see where I say I look down on people, because I find most people severely apathetic I am looking down on them? Is that the dot you connected?

 

 

If you had read carefully you would have noted I blame myself considerably for my lack of success, its something I live with each day, each day it just gets worse, some days are better than others but truthfully do you think I like sitting at nearly 32 having never been kissed or bought a special someone a birthday gifts, trivial things but things nonetheless. Did it ever occur to you and others the level of irritation I have with myself for being who I am.

 

 

I do think society has something to answer for in the fact there a many, many people who never find success of any type, not all of those guys are totally "wrong". By and large though where I am today is my own doing, most of which I cannot correct because I don't know how.

 

 

Seeing as you are South African , you tell me apart from bars and clubs where people go, please don't tell me hiking or meet up groups!

 

 

I don't walk around with stooped shoulders but I walk around anonymously.

 

 

People keep saying lack of effort, I wouldn't say 7 years on dating sites constitutes lack of effort but seeing as this keeps being pointed out please tell me what constitutes "effort", I have asked this before and there was deafening silence.

 

 

As far as K is concerned, I am quite happy to work with her on various writing projects and just enjoy the fact I have a female to interact with on semi casual basis. She has been dating a guy for six months so I assume she is besotted with him, anyway I cannot compete with the round rugby player build she seems to so like.

[ZA Dater]

 

 

If you really think that, then what's the point of all this?

 

I do and you try imagine what its like to live with that. Just spend 60 seconds thinking about it.

 

 

I wish I could correct it but I simply cannot think of a viable way to do so.