Successful searching vs unsuccessful searching

[elaine567]

I cannot compete with the round rugby player build she seems to so like.

 

Exactly.

So time to put her in a box and forget her as a prospect for YOU.

Even if he dumped her tomorrow, she wouldn't be looking in your direction.

 

I refuse to believe she is the only person in the world you can collaborate on projects with, so why are you torturing yourself?

As long as she occupies a prominent place in your life, you will never ever find anyone else. No-one else compares.

She is the deity you worship daily, and despite her rejecting you, she has not moved one inch off the pedestal you have placed her on.

 

I suggest trying to wean yourself off her by spending less time with her - search for others to collaborate with - the world is a big place, stop relying on her and break the connection you have.

Until you do so, you are going nowhere fast, she will get married have kids and you will still be alone.

[candie13]

I think you're an overthinker. You're scaring yourself with that analysis. Women are humans too. Just like you. Identical to you. What you do is called "analysis through paralysis".

 

I totally understand the moral grounds and how you have all these very complex criteria for your ideal partner. How about you leave those in a corner for a while and mingle with humans? Like real people, going to the toilet several times a day, needing food and air and water every day.

 

I also think you have such a low opinion of yourself and you are so much aware of your lack in social skills that you're over adapting. That means you're not being yourself anymore, because you are desperately trying to to fit in, be accepted and somehow be cool.

 

It can't happen unless you really like yourself and unless you are fine with whom you are. So you need to gain some confidence. How you gain confidence? By chatting to people and to women. A LOT of them. Making friends. Interacting with them. Getting rejected. Having conversations. Getting rejected some more.

 

You cannot teach how to learn by reading about it. You need to get in the water, get wet and start practicing. It'll feel terribly uncomfortable, you'll make big splashes and get a lot of water in your mouth and nostrils, but you'll learn. Every time you get into the water, you'll know more.

 

I really think thinking can only get you so far. From a certain moment onwards, it's an obstacle to taking action.

[ZA Dater]

Exactly.

So time to put her in a box and forget her as a prospect for YOU.

Even if he dumped her tomorrow, she wouldn't be looking in your direction.

 

I refuse to believe she is the only person in the world you can collaborate on projects with, so why are you torturing yourself?

As long as she occupies a prominent place in your life, you will never ever find anyone else. No-one else compares.

She is the deity you worship daily, and despite her rejecting you, she has not moved one inch off the pedestal you have placed her on.

 

I suggest trying to wean yourself off her by spending less time with her - search for others to collaborate with - the world is a big place, stop relying on her and break the connection you have.

Until you do so, you are going nowhere fast, she will get married have kids and you will still be alone.

 

Difficult because we have mutual friends. Besides we work well together and she gets me from that point of view. I reckon she may look in my direction if I could be someone relatively likeable. Her and I have a complicated connection based on the mutual friends and the overlap of work.

 

You are right few people do compare in the way they make me feel, that's the sad thing really, she is far from perfect but she does make me feel something. Nobody else I have met has done that.

 

In all probability according to some here irrespective I will be alone. At least I can hang onto an idea however improbable it may seem.

Edited March 25, 2016 by ZA Dater

[candie13]

Difficult because we have mutual friends. Besides we work well together and she gets me from that point of view. I reckon she may look in my direction if I could be someone relatively likeable. Her and I have a complicated connection based on the mutual friends and the overlap of work.

you're trying way too hard.

 

You are right few people do compare in the way they make me feel, that's the sad thing really, she is far from perfect but she does make me feel something. Nobody else I have met has done that.

how many other women did you actually interact with?

 

In all probability according to some here irrespective I will be alone. At least I can hang onto an idea however improbable it may seem

.

or you could go and actually talk to other women .

[scorpiogirl]

(Apologies for how long this is)

 

 

Precisely, I don't have the same things in common with ALL of my friends. My point was that I have met people along the way that share different interest with me. Don't try and twist what I said. It's perfectly clear.

 

I said I spend time with my friends and we can talk about serious things but we can also be silly. I don't give up on a conversation because I am rigid in wanting to discuss politics or something else that I don't have a common bond with them about.

 

With my high school friends I have a shared history. We have a bond despite the fact that we don't have very similar lives right now. With my university friends we have a shared career most of the time. But we don't only talk about work.

 

I have friends from work. We talk. About things not always work related. I can be silly and goofy and serious and intellectual.We share about our lives, things we're doing. Don't you know how to be friends with someone?

 

I have had many friends I've had to let go of along the way. Some who don't match what I want for my life have to go. I had a 20 year friendship with a high school friend that I ended because she was just an awful person. It was hard but why continue something that did NOT work anymore?

 

Nobody pressures me to drink because I spend time with mature people. They ask me if I want wine and I say no thanks. End of story. Maybe people keep offering you alcohol because they're hoping it will loosen you up and you'll be easier to converse with. I'm wondering HOW you say no thanks to a drink.

 

I had a guy friend who was really sociable, but also never drank. His friends, in their late teen years, would drink all the time. Instead of making a big deal about NOT drinking, he would take an empty beer can and pour Coke into it. I'm not saying you should do that, it was just him being goofy, but he didn't go on about not drinking. He just stood with his beer can of Coke and was sociable.

 

 

My uncle doesn't touch alcohol. He's a company CEO and thus has to attend various social functions, at home and abroad. He invited me to a cocktail party once and I wondered what he was going to do when everyone had a drink and he had to circulate, so I watched him.

 

 

He had a glass of wine in his hand and chatted to everyone moving all over the room. The glass never touched his lips but nobody even noticed because they were talking.

 

 

I say that alcohol gives me headaches, (which it does) but I'd love a glass of water or Appletiser.

 

 

When we toast at weddings or New Year, I take a glass and clink. And then put it down or give to my sister or someone else who may drink it.

 

 

Again, I'm not saying you need to go to these lengths but I want to show you that there are ways of doing and saying things.

 

 

I've lived abroad. I've been to five different schools, two universities. I have to start making friends everywhere I go because I start anew every few years.

 

 

I've never been to a meetup. And I don't hike. So I've never told you to do that.

I've met people through friends. And yes, I know your friends don't introduce you to anyone, and I don't blame them. You know the reason too- you asked a guy friend and he told you it was your attitude that prevented him from setting you up.

 

I've taken cooking classes. I meet friends through other friends. When I go to those braais where everyone is drinking, I actually mingle. I scored a date with a hot doctor at one of those. And I wasn't drinking. And, oh my God, I'm overweight too. Shock and horror.

 

I do volunteer work when I can manage. I don't do things to meet people. I do things because I want to. I have fun, and surprise ... people want to speak with me.

 

 

I took a cooking class in Malaysia. (Yes I travel alone, by choice) and knew nobody there. By the end of the class, we were all sat around the table chatting and eating the food we'd just made. I asked people to take pictures of me since I had nobody with me to do that.

 

There were no put downs. There were just things that you have written that were repeated back to you.

 

When I say you look down on people, I'm referring to how you speak of the women you attempt to "date". You have nothing nice to say about them. You also have nothing nice to say about single mothers or women who are overweight, or you cannot fathom how some men who clearly have very little to offer, end up with the girl, when you Mr Nice Guy can't get a second glance.

 

Have you noticed a common theme with people who are charismatic? They make the person they are speaking to feel like the only person in the world. Look at someone like Bill Clinton. He was the leader of the free world. But look at how he spoke to people, how he got onto their level. He can make you think he's one of you, like he could be your neighbor.

 

They make you feel important. Your interests are important. If you want to tell Bill Clinton about the squash in your garden, he's going to ask you what kind of fertilizer you use.

 

 

Same with the Obamas. Whether you like their politics or not, they could live across from you, they're that down to earth. They don't talk about how they're the presidential couple and lead the country. They ask you about your kids and they LISTEN and are interested in your answer

 

Look at footage of Princess Diana. According to many, she wasn't the sharpest crayon in the box, but people flocked to her. What did she do when she was approached by kids - she knelt to get to their level. If she came to shake your hand, she really listened to what you said and abandoned any kind of "I'm a Royal" air.

 

I've been trying to say this to you in so many ways. It's NOT about you.

 

As I said above, I'm really VERY shy. And by a weird twist of fate became a university lecturer. In my first class, I felt like I wanted to throw up because all these people were looking at me. I was sure they were judging me. My clothes weren't right. My hair was terrible. I had no idea what I was talking about. I bombed. They hated me.

 

 

Ihad to go back and work out a new plan. Slowly, I learned to listen to what mystudents were telling me. I put out of my head that they were in any way judging me. I faked confidence for a good year or two before it started coming naturally. I'm still shy but I know that people are NOT looking at me judging me. I'm just not that important to be on their radar like that.

 

 

I am the most popular lecturer with all my students. You know why? Because they tell me I learned their names, even in a big class. I remember the things theytell me about their friends or family. I make them feel comfortable enough thatthey want to share things with me.

 

 

When I say, "How are you?", I mean it. I forget that I was just broken upwith, or that I'm feeling a bit frumpy on a given day, or that I'm having a badhair day. I listen and respond.

anything out of it.

 

 

If you really didn't like the way your life was, you'd look at every single post where you've ever been given advice and really consider everything that was written. But you're getting something out of sitting at home, never been kissed, never will be kissed because she's not going to come swinging through your window

 

Society has nothing to answer for. It’s not a conspiracy against you. You created your reality, as much as you want to blame “Society”.

 

Go ahead and discount everything again as you always do. But you’ll be back again announcing that you’re giving up. Because you need the attention.

[candie13]

the conspiracy theory is much easier to take in than accepting that something this important to the OP can be rectified with that little amount of effort. That easily. If he'd just pick up the courage to talk to people. It's easier to make it much much bigger. It'd sit better and explain the failure better. Especially given the importance the OP gives to it.

[ZA Dater]

you're trying way too hard.

 

how many other women did you actually interact with?

 

.

or you could go and actually talk to other women .

 

I have met a fair number of ladies be it through work, at a friends yearly party and other suchlike events. Thus far she has been on the only one which has really grabbed my attention and given me that wow feeing. Undoubtedly others have bee much better looking than she is but none seem to have that personality.

 

 

At the end of the day its just tough that I don't measure up to what she actually likes and wants but such is life I guess.

[ZA Dater]

(Apologies for how long this is)

 

 

Precisely, I don't have the same things in common with ALL of my friends. My point was that I have met people along the way that share different interest with me. Don't try and twist what I said. It's perfectly clear.

 

I said I spend time with my friends and we can talk about serious things but we can also be silly. I don't give up on a conversation because I am rigid in wanting to discuss politics or something else that I don't have a common bond with them about.

 

With my high school friends I have a shared history. We have a bond despite the fact that we don't have very similar lives right now. With my university friends we have a shared career most of the time. But we don't only talk about work.

 

I have friends from work. We talk. About things not always work related. I can be silly and goofy and serious and intellectual.We share about our lives, things we're doing. Don't you know how to be friends with someone?

 

I have had many friends I've had to let go of along the way. Some who don't match what I want for my life have to go. I had a 20 year friendship with a high school friend that I ended because she was just an awful person. It was hard but why continue something that did NOT work anymore?

 

Nobody pressures me to drink because I spend time with mature people. They ask me if I want wine and I say no thanks. End of story. Maybe people keep offering you alcohol because they're hoping it will loosen you up and you'll be easier to converse with. I'm wondering HOW you say no thanks to a drink.

 

I had a guy friend who was really sociable, but also never drank. His friends, in their late teen years, would drink all the time. Instead of making a big deal about NOT drinking, he would take an empty beer can and pour Coke into it. I'm not saying you should do that, it was just him being goofy, but he didn't go on about not drinking. He just stood with his beer can of Coke and was sociable.

 

 

My uncle doesn't touch alcohol. He's a company CEO and thus has to attend various social functions, at home and abroad. He invited me to a cocktail party once and I wondered what he was going to do when everyone had a drink and he had to circulate, so I watched him.

 

 

He had a glass of wine in his hand and chatted to everyone moving all over the room. The glass never touched his lips but nobody even noticed because they were talking.

 

 

I say that alcohol gives me headaches, (which it does) but I'd love a glass of water or Appletiser.

 

 

When we toast at weddings or New Year, I take a glass and clink. And then put it down or give to my sister or someone else who may drink it.

 

 

Again, I'm not saying you need to go to these lengths but I want to show you that there are ways of doing and saying things.

 

 

I've lived abroad. I've been to five different schools, two universities. I have to start making friends everywhere I go because I start anew every few years.

 

 

I've never been to a meetup. And I don't hike. So I've never told you to do that.

I've met people through friends. And yes, I know your friends don't introduce you to anyone, and I don't blame them. You know the reason too- you asked a guy friend and he told you it was your attitude that prevented him from setting you up.

 

I've taken cooking classes. I meet friends through other friends. When I go to those braais where everyone is drinking, I actually mingle. I scored a date with a hot doctor at one of those. And I wasn't drinking. And, oh my God, I'm overweight too. Shock and horror.

 

I do volunteer work when I can manage. I don't do things to meet people. I do things because I want to. I have fun, and surprise ... people want to speak with me.

 

 

I took a cooking class in Malaysia. (Yes I travel alone, by choice) and knew nobody there. By the end of the class, we were all sat around the table chatting and eating the food we'd just made. I asked people to take pictures of me since I had nobody with me to do that.

 

There were no put downs. There were just things that you have written that were repeated back to you.

 

When I say you look down on people, I'm referring to how you speak of the women you attempt to "date". You have nothing nice to say about them. You also have nothing nice to say about single mothers or women who are overweight, or you cannot fathom how some men who clearly have very little to offer, end up with the girl, when you Mr Nice Guy can't get a second glance.

 

Have you noticed a common theme with people who are charismatic? They make the person they are speaking to feel like the only person in the world. Look at someone like Bill Clinton. He was the leader of the free world. But look at how he spoke to people, how he got onto their level. He can make you think he's one of you, like he could be your neighbor.

 

They make you feel important. Your interests are important. If you want to tell Bill Clinton about the squash in your garden, he's going to ask you what kind of fertilizer you use.

 

 

Same with the Obamas. Whether you like their politics or not, they could live across from you, they're that down to earth. They don't talk about how they're the presidential couple and lead the country. They ask you about your kids and they LISTEN and are interested in your answer

 

Look at footage of Princess Diana. According to many, she wasn't the sharpest crayon in the box, but people flocked to her. What did she do when she was approached by kids - she knelt to get to their level. If she came to shake your hand, she really listened to what you said and abandoned any kind of "I'm a Royal" air.

 

I've been trying to say this to you in so many ways. It's NOT about you.

 

As I said above, I'm really VERY shy. And by a weird twist of fate became a university lecturer. In my first class, I felt like I wanted to throw up because all these people were looking at me. I was sure they were judging me. My clothes weren't right. My hair was terrible. I had no idea what I was talking about. I bombed. They hated me.

 

 

Ihad to go back and work out a new plan. Slowly, I learned to listen to what mystudents were telling me. I put out of my head that they were in any way judging me. I faked confidence for a good year or two before it started coming naturally. I'm still shy but I know that people are NOT looking at me judging me. I'm just not that important to be on their radar like that.

 

 

I am the most popular lecturer with all my students. You know why? Because they tell me I learned their names, even in a big class. I remember the things theytell me about their friends or family. I make them feel comfortable enough thatthey want to share things with me.

 

 

When I say, "How are you?", I mean it. I forget that I was just broken upwith, or that I'm feeling a bit frumpy on a given day, or that I'm having a badhair day. I listen and respond.

anything out of it.

 

 

If you really didn't like the way your life was, you'd look at every single post where you've ever been given advice and really consider everything that was written. But you're getting something out of sitting at home, never been kissed, never will be kissed because she's not going to come swinging through your window

 

Society has nothing to answer for. It’s not a conspiracy against you. You created your reality, as much as you want to blame “Society”.

 

Go ahead and discount everything again as you always do. But you’ll be back again announcing that you’re giving up. Because you need the attention.

 

Well I am an account and I manage a sizeable portfolio of commercial properties. If my people and social skills are as bad as you elude to then I wouldn't be very good at either of those jobs. The fact I administer and run a social club, I often need to speak to groups of people, not an issue at all.

 

 

I agree entirely what you say about taking an interest in people, its extremely true and cannot be argued with. Here is the point, each and ever person I took on a date whether I found them attractive or not I tried to learn about the, take an interest in what they do, what interests them. Hardly ever had the reciprocal interest, I can cant on three fingers the number of times a date has asked me anything.

 

 

Its also true to say I must go out and I have tried, I have been that guy sitting drinking water at the bar on my own, with the corresponding looks that generated. I try to talk to random people each day, not that I encounter too many of them, my problem is specifically ladies, I cannot ever seem to communicate with them. For background and this isn't an excuse my formative school years up to grade 6, there were no females in the school at all.

 

 

People say practice, so I do, I find anyone on tinder and any other site to talk to try and get better at this but inevitably there is just nothing to talk about after a while, there isn't any sort of glue if will. The thing with K is the glue is there, there is a lot of common interest and we tend to think in much the same way and converse the same sort of way, she keeps me guessing and challenges me. For the last week I have been talking to a diamond sales lady on whatsapp, I am already bored, there is just nothing there if that makes sense, I find this often to be the case, whether its my fault or not I don't know.

 

 

There was an aupair I really liked, we got on well, sure there wasn't much glue but she was nice company and we did sort of connect, I wasn't good looking enough for her, that's fine I accept that.

 

 

Believe me I get very little out of sitting at home but at this point I cannot think of anywhere else to sit! Inevitably when I sit at home I just resort to working on my novel or some office related work.

 

 

Undoubtedly challenges can be conquered, you proved that in the above post, my point though is I need some sort of strategy as to how, its pointless trying to force myself to be something I am not, been there before and I don't become anymore attractive. Hence why I feel some sort of friend zone will be better than where I am at the moment, my mutual friends who set up this collaboration with K seem to think along the same lines. If I at least have the friend zone I can perhaps get better at things and learn some skills. I really don't think I am a bad person, I don't wake up thinking I am a bad person but I do wake up feeling like a very alone person. My colleagues all married, all have kids, my few friends, all but one married, the one that isn't is a friend I have had for 25 years and he is almost a replica of me.

 

 

How do I get people to engage me without me having to engage them?

 

 

As for the drinking question, I simply say, "no thanks I am fine with water", I see nothing wrong with that.

 

 

It would also probably surprise you to know I do have a sense of humour and a silly side, again only certain people seem to bring that out of me, I am always very guarded but sometimes with some people that guard comes down and I feel comfortable to just let myself go as opposed to thinking about each thing I say before I say it.

 

 

Each of us has our own personality and changing that seems to be the hardest thing in the world. I am by nature serious, I am never going to be the goofy joke guy and I always despised those guys because they were able to date almost anyone they wanted to by virtue of that personality type. "J to be successful with ladies you must make them laugh", I just cannot ever seem to do that.

 

 

Probably the only real thing I garner from people is respect.

[Empire87]

Scorpiogirl contributed two replies on this page that were absolutely 1000% spot on and aimed to help you if you truly wanted help. She addressed each and every one of your hang ups with specific examples and proof from her own experiences that you are not the only person in the world who has these problems. And more so, you are not the only person in the world incapable of overcoming them.

 

What did you do? You replied with "I see your point, but..."... "Did you ever consider that maybe...".... You don't want to accept the advise you ask for. If you did, you wouldn't reply with your rebuttal each and every time. Why can everyone else see this but you? You are asking the same questions over and over because you don't want to accept the answers you're given.

 

She gave you multiple options about ways To go about "drinking" in social settings that wouldn't highlight your dislike for alchohol at all. What did you do? You replied with "well I've drank water before and don't think that's a bad tactic to use so I don't see any issue with that going forward". You're giving the middle finger to everyone who tells you anything and it's blatantly obvious that your "good person" self proclaimstion is far from the truth.

 

Keep doing what you're doing. Stop wasting other's time with your clever ways of extending threads by falsely portraying your interest in learning, changing, or getting better at socializing. You have not posted one message where you thanked anyone for their suggestions. You've also never posted something where you didn't refute the post directed at you.

[scorpiogirl]

Scorpiogirl contributed two replies on this page that were absolutely 1000% spot on and aimed to help you if you truly wanted help. She addressed each and every one of your hang ups with specific examples and proof from her own experiences that you are not the only person in the world who has these problems. And more so, you are not the only person in the world incapable of overcoming them.

 

What did you do? You replied with "I see your point, but..."... "Did you ever consider that maybe...".... You don't want to accept the advise you ask for. If you did, you wouldn't reply with your rebuttal each and every time. Why can everyone else see this but you? You are asking the same questions over and over because you don't want to accept the answers you're given.

 

She gave you multiple options about ways To go about "drinking" in social settings that wouldn't highlight your dislike for alchohol at all. What did you do? You replied with "well I've drank water before and don't think that's a bad tactic to use so I don't see any issue with that going forward". You're giving the middle finger to everyone who tells you anything and it's blatantly obvious that your "good person" self proclaimstion is far from the truth.

 

Keep doing what you're doing. Stop wasting other's time with your clever ways of extending threads by falsely portraying your interest in learning, changing, or getting better at socializing. You have not posted one message where you thanked anyone for their suggestions. You've also never posted something where you didn't refute the post directed at you.

 

Yes! All of this. It's attention seeking at its finest.

[ZA Dater]

Scorpiogirl contributed two replies on this page that were absolutely 1000% spot on and aimed to help you if you truly wanted help. She addressed each and every one of your hang ups with specific examples and proof from her own experiences that you are not the only person in the world who has these problems. And more so, you are not the only person in the world incapable of overcoming them.

 

What did you do? You replied with "I see your point, but..."... "Did you ever consider that maybe...".... You don't want to accept the advise you ask for. If you did, you wouldn't reply with your rebuttal each and every time. Why can everyone else see this but you? You are asking the same questions over and over because you don't want to accept the answers you're given.

 

She gave you multiple options about ways To go about "drinking" in social settings that wouldn't highlight your dislike for alchohol at all. What did you do? You replied with "well I've drank water before and don't think that's a bad tactic to use so I don't see any issue with that going forward". You're giving the middle finger to everyone who tells you anything and it's blatantly obvious that your "good person" self proclaimstion is far from the truth.

 

Keep doing what you're doing. Stop wasting other's time with your clever ways of extending threads by falsely portraying your interest in learning, changing, or getting better at socializing. You have not posted one message where you thanked anyone for their suggestions. You've also never posted something where you didn't refute the post directed at you.

 

Am I just expected to consider each and every reply at face value and challenge none of it? Her own experiences are NOT my experiences, what on earth is wrong with saying "No thanks I am happy with water", please do tell me what is wrong with that because I cannot see anything wrong with it. Why should I pretend to drink to satisfy everyone but myself? Please answer that question because I would like to know.

 

My replies have absolutely noting to do with accepting or rejecting the advice given but some of it I do question its practical application. I asked Scorpiogirl a direct question "If I don't go to clubs where do I socialise with people" that question was not answered.

 

Frankly these suggestions are all good and well but the fundamental questions are not being addressed. I for one an glad some people managed to climb out of the gutter I find myself in.

 

I really do not see any suggestions in either of the two replies you mentioned, rather I seen an inspiring tale of how someone who was shy is not any longer. I don't lecture students so the practical application of that ideal does not really work for me.

 

For what its worth it I went out both last night and this morning, went to a trendy café and had breakfast and ended up reading the newspaper because there was nobody to talk to.

 

I am glad she has many friends. I am sure that makes meeting people far easier.

 

Who actually cares if I like alcohol or not, why should this have any bearing at all in terms of dating or is SOMEONE going to concede that society sees it as abnormal not to drink in a social setting.

 

Eagerly awaiting where I should be going to meet people...who are actually friendly and no dismissive of a single guy on his own with no friends.

[Mccoy321]

Those that have been "left on the shelf" usually belong to one of these categories:

 

1. Completely socially inept (you will know you are in there if you have hard time forming friendships, do badly at job interviews and generally have people of both sexes avoiding you).

 

2. Too picky. Too picky means that you are too picky for what you are offering to potential partners. It's all a matter of demand and supply. If you want to sell a house, you can ask for a high price and if it's higher than what it's worth on the market, you will have trouble selling it and at the very least it will take a long time. Many in this category get desperate as the time goes on and lower their "asking price". Few get lucky and get what they want.

 

For me personally, it's a combination of the fact that my strongest personality traits are not attractive to men (intelligence, ambition and kindness). From observation over the years, men like looks - and I mean stunning looks. Pretty doesn't even register since most men over-estimate their appearance (number of studies have shown that) and take pretty for granted. They also like outgoing, cheerleader personality types. My personality is pretty opposite of that. I also wasn't available to date for most of my 20s (long story) when I would have had the most options.

 

It is what it is. I have realized that I can't lower my "asking price" any further and that I would rather be alone that with someone out of desperation.

 

Wow, we are a perfect match then. Because my strongest attributes, intelligence, being funny and kindness are ones that I've observed women aren't all that interested in. They want looks, and height. Six foot plus. Average height is taken for granted.

[Empire87]

Am I just expected to consider each and every reply at face value and challenge none of it? Her own experiences are NOT my experiences, what on earth is wrong with saying "No thanks I am happy with water", please do tell me what is wrong with that because I cannot see anything wrong with it. Why should I pretend to drink to satisfy everyone but myself? Please answer that question because I would like to know.

 

Her experiences are not your experiences huh? Then why are you asking about why other people can be successful while some can't?!?!? Their experiences can't be your experiences either than!!! If you're car was making noise or veering to the side while driving and you asked people what it might be.... And someone told you they had a similar issue with their car and they got it realigned and had an oil change... Would you dispute their suggestion because they're not driving your car and therefore can't offer you sound advice? You complained that the only places people tend to go/socialize involve drinking and you don't drink. Another person told you that they also don't drink and gave you examples as to how you can feel more confident within these places by masking what you order to drink or simply holding the full or empty beer can in your hand all night without drinking any. People have told you that no one really cares if you drink or not. You argued saying that you get picked on. So order a beer or beverage, hold it in your hand, and your problem is solved.

I just answered this question with no logical way for you to refute it.

 

My replies have absolutely noting to do with accepting or rejecting the advice given but some of it I do question its practical application. I asked Scorpiogirl a direct question "If I don't go to clubs where do I socialise with people" that question was not answered.

 

Yes it has been answered dozens and dozens of times. You've been told to look into local organizations, committees, clubs to join that interest you. If you say that you have this vast "general knowledge" then that would 1000% mean that you can have at least some interest or tolerate spending time doing "general" things. Since there are a million general activities going on everywhere around you, you have no reason to not try. You were told to attend concerts, comedy clubs, new gym classes that usually hold a dozen or so people and allows socializing to be easier since there's common ground just by being there. I'm not going to list everything over again. If you want a HW project, then look at all the replies you've gotten in every one of your threads and type out a list with each answer to your "where to go" questions

Just answered this with direct and irrefutable evidence. Nothing you could possibly say to refute that.

 

Frankly these suggestions are all good and well but the fundamental questions are not being addressed. I for one an glad some people managed to climb out of the gutter I find myself in.

 

So you're saying that you acknowledge people are in fact giving you suggestions. Because in the replies above you specifically moaned about not getting answers. You only see what you want. Every question has been addressed. Fundamentally you have a psychological disability that's preventing you from doing anything other than what ZA thinks is right. You're glad they climbed out but you make your home living in the gutter and refuse to accept people's attempts to pull you out.

 

I really do not see any suggestions in either of the two replies you mentioned, rather I seen an inspiring tale of how someone who was shy is not any longer. I don't lecture students so the practical application of that ideal does not really work for me.

 

Why do you come here then? If you can only accept advice and suggestions from people who are exactly like you and have the same lifestyle/career/hobbies that you do... Then why are you wasting your own time and others here by asking for their insight and opinions? Please answer this question directly as I've answered yours. You don't see any suggestions because you're brain doesn't function the way it needs to in order to accept and adapt to reality.

 

For what its worth it I went out both last night and this morning, went to a trendy café and had breakfast and ended up reading the newspaper because there was nobody to talk to.

 

So? If I want to go get breakfast or a bagel, does someone have to come talk to me while I stand in line in order for it to be worth going outside? Obvious answer. You're probably just going out, sitting down or standing by yourself, looking around and telling yourself that "this is such a waste of time, I don't like these places/people anyways and I know they don't like me".. And then you probably leave and come on here to tell everyone "well i tried going out.. It didn't work". Which is just a flat out misrepresentation of the truth ... Aka Lying.

 

I am glad she has many friends. I am sure that makes meeting people far easier.

 

The friends issue was discussed and put back on you earlier in the thread. Here's another homework assignment. Look at the replies you got, look at the posts you made where you referenced your own friends. Then post them side by side.

 

Who actually cares if I like alcohol or not, why should this have any bearing at all in terms of dating or is SOMEONE going to concede that society sees it as abnormal not to drink in a social setting.

 

Eagerly awaiting where I should be going to meet people...who are actually friendly and no dismissive of a single guy on his own with no friends.

 

"Who actually cares if I like alchohol or not? Why should this have any bearing at all?" - that is seriously your statement/question? At this point in the thread?

 

You LITERALLY started an entire rebuttal based around your dislike for alchohol and your refusal to drink when you go out. You then said that people around you make you feel uncomfortable or teased because you order water. Here's my question... IF. YOU DONT CARE.... THEN WHY ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK WHEN YOU GO OUT AND DONT DRINK!!?!"

 

It has NO bearing at all!! You are the one who is insisting that it does!!! Then when people give you advice on how to easily avoid that being noticed, you go on a rant about why you should be able to drink water if you want and don't wanna do anything else. All you have to do is put a Lime or lemon in a glass of water and NO ONE would be able to tell the difference between it being vodka or water.

 

 

I seriously suggest you either schedule an appointment with a doctor so you can have a referral to see a therapist/psychologist, or visit your doctor and have them document what your childhood-adolescent disorders were that required therapy back then. Obviously it's gone untreated or undiagnosed for decades now and until you address it, you are going to get nowhere with all of this.

[scorpiogirl]

"Who actually cares if I like alchohol or not? Why should this have any bearing at all?" - that is seriously your statement/question? At this point in the thread?

 

You LITERALLY started an entire rebuttal based around your dislike for alchohol and your refusal to drink when you go out. You then said that people around you make you feel uncomfortable or teased because you order water. Here's my question... IF. YOU DONT CARE.... THEN WHY ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK WHEN YOU GO OUT AND DONT DRINK!!?!"

 

It has NO bearing at all!! You are the one who is insisting that it does!!! Then when people give you advice on how to easily avoid that being noticed, you go on a rant about why you should be able to drink water if you want and don't wanna do anything else. All you have to do is put a Lime or lemon in a glass of water and NO ONE would be able to tell the difference between it being vodka or water.

 

 

I seriously suggest you either schedule an appointment with a doctor so you can have a referral to see a therapist/psychologist, or visit your doctor and have them document what your childhood-adolescent disorders were that required therapy back then. Obviously it's gone untreated or undiagnosed for decades now and until you address it, you are going to get nowhere with all of this.

 

 

 

I also gave him examples of where I've met people before. I guess I was supposed to list every single place, that is NOT meetup or hiking where a single, "intellectual" virgin male who doesn't drink and is pining after one specific woman can go in CT, South Africa to meet people. I failed

 

 

Have you not read his issues with therapy? It does NOT work! Don't suggest therapy as a cure for everyone's issues.

 

 

Empire, if you don't have a blood pressure problem yet, you may well develop one soon if you keep reading his posts

[Imajerk17]

I hear you @scorpiogirl. When I was ZA's age I was really inexperienced w women and dating. Thing is instead of making all these long-winded excuses of why things wouldn't work for me, I just decided I was gonna do whatever it took to become more socially confident and meet women. Instead of being asked how I did it and what I learned, I was told my advice wasn't going to work for him either.

 

Who cares that you are a really smart introverted woman who struggled w shyness and made a great social life for yourself anyway. I guess you, @Empire87, and myself should just realize that we don't know what we're talking about.

Edited March 27, 2016 by Imajerk17

[scorpiogirl]

I hear you @scorpiogirl. When I was ZA's age I was really inexperienced w women and dating. Thing is instead of making all these long-winded excuses of why things wouldn't work for me, I just decided I was gonna do whatever it took to become more socially confident and meet women. Instead of being asked how I did it and what I learned, I was told my advice wasn't going to work for him either.

 

Who cares that you are a really smart introverted woman who struggled w shyness and made a great social life for yourself anyway. I guess you, @Empire87, and myself should just realize that we don't know what we're talking about.

 

Clearly you don't understand a darn thing, you jerk

[Chris2016]

When I was ZA's age I was really inexperienced w women and dating. Thing is instead of making all these long-winded excuses of why things wouldn't work for me, I just decided I was gonna do whatever it took to become more socially confident and meet women. Instead of being asked how I did it and what I learned ...

 

How did you do it? What did you learn? Let's talk about successful searching, and how to avoid/minimize unsuccessful searching.

Edited March 27, 2016 by Chris2016

[ZA Dater]

"Who actually cares if I like alchohol or not? Why should this have any bearing at all?" - that is seriously your statement/question? At this point in the thread?

 

You LITERALLY started an entire rebuttal based around your dislike for alchohol and your refusal to drink when you go out. You then said that people around you make you feel uncomfortable or teased because you order water. Here's my question... IF. YOU DONT CARE.... THEN WHY ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK WHEN YOU GO OUT AND DONT DRINK!!?!"

 

It has NO bearing at all!! You are the one who is insisting that it does!!! Then when people give you advice on how to easily avoid that being noticed, you go on a rant about why you should be able to drink water if you want and don't wanna do anything else. All you have to do is put a Lime or lemon in a glass of water and NO ONE would be able to tell the difference between it being vodka or water.

 

 

I seriously suggest you either schedule an appointment with a doctor so you can have a referral to see a therapist/psychologist, or visit your doctor and have them document what your childhood-adolescent disorders were that required therapy back then. Obviously it's gone untreated or undiagnosed for decades now and until you address it, you are going to get nowhere with all of this.

 

Let me explain this simply and clearly. Scorpiogirl has found not drinking make no difference in a social situation. I have found the opposite and if this didn't matter so much then why on earth are her friends pretending to drink? Is it not impossible my experience was different to hers? Is that totally beyond comprehension?

 

Sure, I don't care what others think and probably that's why I remain as isolated as I am.

[ZA Dater]

How did you do it? What did you learn? Let's talk about successful searching, and how to avoid/minimize unsuccessful searching.

 

I agree, lets hear about all these successes by those quick to lecture and put me down. Lets hear specifics not broad general comments. How many went to therapists and what did they learn, did the therapist magically get them a date, how much did they spend and was there any measureable improvement.

 

Its pretty tiresome being put down all the time, so I am now calling those out who apparently were in the same place as I am to TELL US HOW WHAT AND WHY they managed to succeed. My guess is few will because its far easier to put people down than it is to build them up.

 

About the only person who has actually detailed anything is Scorpiogirl. That was a different circumstance but at least detail was given. Sadly I don't lecture students and I don't have that degree of interaction on a daily basis.

 

I and many other I am sure, would love to hear specifics from those vastly experienced hugely successful people here.

 

So you go to a café for breakfast on your own, how do you turn that into an opportunity, the café is full and everyone is talking in groups. Tell me what I am supposed to do?

[ZA Dater]

I hear you @scorpiogirl. When I was ZA's age I was really inexperienced w women and dating. Thing is instead of making all these long-winded excuses of why things wouldn't work for me, I just decided I was gonna do whatever it took to become more socially confident and meet women. Instead of being asked how I did it and what I learned, I was told my advice wasn't going to work for him either.

 

Who cares that you are a really smart introverted woman who struggled w shyness and made a great social life for yourself anyway. I guess you, @Empire87, and myself should just realize that we don't know what we're talking about.

 

I am simply being realistic, life has taught me to rather be realistic than live in some dreamland. So when they 5.9 blond walks past me, I look and enjoy what I see but I know I cant have it. That's called being realistic.

[Empire87]

I am simply being realistic, life has taught me to rather be realistic than live in some dreamland. So when they 5.9 blond walks past me, I look and enjoy what I see but I know I cant have it. That's called being realistic.

 

So explain how a 32 yo virgin who self deprecates, doesn't go out, and won't change his approach can realistically expect to date 22-29 yo single women?

[ZA Dater]

So explain how a 32 yo virgin who self deprecates, doesn't go out, and won't change his approach can realistically expect to date 22-29 yo single women?

 

Still waiting to be told what my approach should be.

 

 

Perhaps I need to try and date people I don't like?

 

 

There are much worse guys than me who seem perfectly capable of dating.

 

 

The point is simple, I can do whatever I like, magically transform myself into some super desirable guy (miracles can happen I guess) and STILL get nowhere because I have no experience.

 

 

Its been documented many, many times on this forum, females are not interested in a 30+ guy with no relationship history. One may as well paint oneself red and jump into a bull ring such is the size of the red flag.

[elaine567]

Truth here is that until you are willing to make changes, nothing will change.

#6

"Typically, I have to approach about 20 women if I want a guaranteed date. When I was at my best (or worst, depending on your view), I'd make a big effort to incorporate this into my routine. For example, I'd approach at least 5 women in my lunch break, or after work. So, that's at least 25 a week. I'm more lazy than that now though

 

You collect numbers, and a lot of those lead nowhere. It's all a numbers game (no pun intended). You have to be prepared to go through the grind – it's exciting but also very frustrating at times, and takes effort.

 

Don't believe that pick up artist bollocks about being able to 'attract any woman – without fail'. We all have to go through a lot of no's to get a yes. Anyone telling you otherwise is speaking bollocks, and probably trying to sell you something. How many no's you will have to go through is dependent on your looks and your game."

[ZA Dater]

Truth here is that until you are willing to make changes, nothing will change.

 

Thanks that was the answer I was looking for. Sadly I am yet to meet someone who had to ask 25 girls out a week to get a date in which case it's fine I'll rather dedicate my time to mote fruitful endeavours than try and find 25 people I an attracted to.

 

Thanks.

 

I don't see anything that needs to change. I am what I am if nobody likes it then it just tough. Had I made so called changes ten years ago then sure. You can all day I am wrong but it's how I feel.

[Empire87]

Thanks that was the answer I was looking for. Sadly I am yet to meet someone who had to ask 25 girls out a week to get a date in which case it's fine I'll rather dedicate my time to mote fruitful endeavours than try and find 25 people I an attracted to.

 

Thanks.

 

I don't see anything that needs to change. I am what I am if nobody likes it then it just tough. Had I made so called changes ten years ago then sure. You can all day I am wrong but it's how I feel.

 

Not sure why that was the answer you were looking for someone else to spell out for you. Seems pretty pointless to have so many inquires about this subject if you have no intention of doing anything about it.