I am the WS. My Story - Losing Hope

[Mrs. John Adams]

You have to understand that you have turned her world upside down....her life as she knew it...is destroyed.

 

She may need some help from a doctor. My husband could not eat or sleep....he was in a state of shock. We went to the doctor and he was put on some medication for a couple of months. He did not want to take it...but he needed something to help him to function.

 

You said you have gone to therapy and she wants to quit because it is not helping. She needs to be realistic in her expectations. It takes TIME. This is not over quickly. You have to process all that has happened.

 

You say you are taking full responsibility....What I quoted from you is an excuse. You are speaking about the OW and her behavior rather than your own.

This is the reality of your words.

 

You say you may not be strong enough.....Strong enough for WHAT? Strong enough to fight for this relationship? Because the fight to save your marriage has just begun. If you do not think you have what it takes....if you are not willing to do the work required....then be honest with yourself and be honest with her. It sounds like she is not sure she wants to fight to save the marriage either...so for now....talk...hold her...be honest...answer her questions....and seek professional help.

 

Unfortunately...You have already screwed up...and you cannot undo it. This is reality. But you will get through it.

 

Infidelity is like a death...the death of a relationship that is now forever changed. You both need time to grieve. These next few months will be so very difficult. Emotions will be on a roller coaster. One minute she will love you...then next she will hate you. Be there for her...

[velvette]

Losing hope.. When she got back from her 2 day escape things have gotten worse.. She is not getting out of bed today.. And we have been holding each other crying.. One minute we are holding each other then the next she is filled with rage.. I'm taking it all and trying to be as strong as I can.. She has always been stronger than I am emotionally.. I'm so afraid I'm not strong enough. .there are times where I feel like giving up that what I did has ruined us forever. Right now feels like one of those times.

 

Anger/rage is a covering emotion for deep pain/hurt. Its going to come and go for a while.

 

 

If you want your marriage to survive, you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and focus on helping your wife. Also, growing yourself emotionally stronger so she can lean on you.

 

 

That being said, while staying in bed for a day is not going to hurt her, if that goes on to long, you need to get her to a Dr or a counselor who can prescribe meds like anti anxiety or antidepressants that can help her cope.

 

 

In the meantime, just try to take care of her, esp bringing her food water, etc. If you could get her to take a walk with you that would be good too as physical exertion can help release anger.

 

 

Probably what she needs most from you is to hear over and over that you care for her, that you are sorry you hurt her and that you want the chance to make things better and rebuild your M. She probably needs to feel safe right now more than anything.

 

 

Hang in there.

[BettyDraper]

No, I am not blaming the OW. I take full responsibility on what happened. In fact when it was first discovered I felt like I owed the OW an apology too.. I completely felt this thing is 100% my fault. It's only later that I started discovering that the OW was not truthful with me about her past as well.

 

As far as counseling.. We have gone to a few sessions but they don't seem to help. THe anger and questioning of and interrogation from my wife has been constant.. I've been doing my best on being 100% truthful .. Even when she wants to know the details.

 

There have been tiny moments where there seemed to be some hope but those moments were short lived. We are living in a hell that we can't get out of now. Our marriage was perfect.. Everything was perfect for 18+ years.. Well nothing is perfect but it felt that way.. And I just miss being happy with her so badly.. I can't believe I've done this and I really want to do everything I can to save our marriage.

 

Nevermind the OW and her past. She isn't important. You need to focus on improving your marriage.

 

It will take a long time to improve you marriage and counseling is not some magic wand for your marriage. It can takes months of counseling to gain clarity and healing on your situation.

 

Your remorse radiates through the screen and it's great that you have insight into your actions. Ask your wife what you can do to save the marriage. Be 100% honest with her and focus your attention on your wife. Respect her need for space if that's what she asks for. Send her flowers with a long and contrite letter.

 

I've seen many husbands buy expensive gifts and take their wives on vacations after an affair. They become very romantic as a way to show their guilt and commitment to renewing the marriage. Whether that would be helpful for your wife or not depends on the kind of person she is.

[Ladyjane14]

Losing hope.. When she got back from her 2 day escape things have gotten worse.. She is not getting out of bed today.. And we have been holding each other crying.. One minute we are holding each other then the next she is filled with rage.. I'm taking it all and trying to be as strong as I can.. She has always been stronger than I am emotionally.. I'm so afraid I'm not strong enough. .there are times where I feel like giving up that what I did has ruined us forever. Right now feels like one of those times.

 

Well, the good news here is that the opposite of love isn't hate... it's indifference. The fact that she's taking it hard means that she loves you a lot.

[sandylee1]

Bear in mind when she gets enraged that a range of thoughts go through her mind....such as..

 

- Was the OW better than me/is she prettier than me

- What did he see in her

- Why couldn't he confide in me

- The mind movies of you physically with another woman

- The sheer and utter betrayal of that special sacred thing being tossed away (being each other's only one) it can't be undone

 

Something BSs that I've worked with have found helpful...is a handwritten letter from the WS. Acknowledging the hurt and apologising and thanking your spouse for even still being with you and giving you an opportunity to try and reconcile.

 

It needs to be heartfelt and sincere.... with remorse about the impact of your infidelity. How you are so sorry for creating so many triggers...for changing what was special between you and giving it away so carelessly and thoughtlessly.... just think about what you'd want or expect to hear from your wife if she has done this to you.

 

Think of why she should give you a second chance ... why are you worth it.... why should she trust you again... again flip it round .... what would you want from her if it was reversed.

 

She doesn't feel able to trust you. ... she feels you're not her friend and don't have her back. If you really want to make amends.. tell her you will be there and be the husband she deserves.

 

I don't know if any family members know about it ... but if they do ... an apology to her parents and siblings is also helpful. You have hurt their loved one...that must also hurt them (if they are a close family).. you need to promise to never hurt her like this again.

 

If they see your efforts.... they'll go some way to influence your wife in a positive way.

 

No doubt it seemed like fun at the time ...but you can see how damaging it is.

 

As for the OW .... of course there are many who focus on MM... they have a game plan but they can only do it to those who allow it.

[ShamefulPig]

Thank you all for the replies and advice. Some of this stuff is hard to read and some things even seem discouraging like how long this is going to take. I'm hoping things get better and we can have some sembelence of a normal life. I know the pain and anger will take years to heal from but i hope she can find some happiness. Even if it's not with me. I feel horrible I have completely destroyed her life, our life, our future.

 

I am willing to do whatever it takes to fight for our M. She was finally able to get out of bed today and we went out to grab a bite to eat. Afterwards I took her to the zoo and we took a light stroll. Had dinner and desert. It would have been a perfect evening and day together if it wasn't for my decision to hurt us like this.

 

The thing that is killing us and killing her is we were each other's first.. We knew each other since childhood and both of us have never been with anyone else. We felt that made us special.. Now that special bond is gone .. It's broken. .and it's killing her.. She said even if we were to stay together that specialness is now gone.. It's killing me to realize what I have done.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you all for the replies and advice. Some of this stuff is hard to read and some things even seem discouraging like how long this is going to take. I'm hoping things get better and we can have some sembelence of a normal life. I know the pain and anger will take years to heal from but i hope she can find some happiness. Even if it's not with me. I feel horrible I have completely destroyed her life, our life, our future.

 

I am willing to do whatever it takes to fight for our M. She was finally able to get out of bed today and we went out to grab a bite to eat. Afterwards I took her to the zoo and we took a light stroll. Had dinner and desert. It would have been a perfect evening and day together if it wasn't for my decision to hurt us like this.

 

The thing that is killing us and killing her is we were each other's first.. We knew each other since childhood and both of us have never been with anyone else. We felt that made us special.. Now that special bond is gone .. It's broken. .and it's killing her.. She said even if we were to stay together that specialness is now gone.. It's killing me to realize what I have done.

 

Expect an RA in this case.....

[waterwoman]

Dude - you think taking her to the zoo and out for a meal makes this better?

 

You need to research about infidelity and what it does to a marriage! Learn what it takes to make forward steps.

 

Seriously! Taking her out is like putting a grain of sand on a beach when you need a million tons of sand.

 

How old are you two? Do you have kids?

 

 

I don't agree. Trips out like this act as a gentle backdrop to the hard work. Reconciliation isn't all passionate declarations, sobbing and reading worthy books. Acts of love and plenty of his undivided attention will heal in the same way as fresh air and good food help when recovering from a serious illness.

 

OP - I get the impression you are remorseful and regretful. That is the most important first step. Now you have to be strong, determined and patient. She will fluctuate between anger, love and hurt. It will take a long time and you may both be despairing at times. If YOU are sure you want to stay married carry on as you are doing but let go of the future - no matter what you do she may still want to divorce- that is her right.

 

Good luck to both of you

[sandylee1]

 

- The sheer and utter betrayal of that special sacred thing being tossed away (being each other's only one) it can't be undone

 

.

 

This will be very difficult for her to grapple with ^^^^^^^^

 

It doesn't mean she'll have or want a revenge affair. It might just be the reason she can't reconcile with you though.

[Cloudcuckoo]

I don't think the extent of what you have done to your marriage has really profoundly hit either of you yet from the way you write here.

 

I have a sense that the depth of your understanding and the meaning of the monumental work you must undertake to turn those charred remains of your marriage into new foundations on which to build has yet to dawn on you, and I truly say this in all kindness.

 

It sometimes takes an epiphany of sorts for it all to have any clarity, and as others have suggested, you must really reach that point of full realisation of just what an arduous journey you must embark on to have a glimmer of hope that you can build up from those burned ashes of what WAS your marriage.

 

The marriage you had is dead, and was dead the moment you chose to betray your wife. If she is willing to offer you the gift of reconciling, it is entirely your responsibility to prove to her that you are worthy of that gift.

 

Recovery IS possible. Many of us are testament to that. My husband and I have been together 27 years. He had a four year affair a long time ago. I can tell you that the marriage we have now, after that life changing event is nothing like it was before, and I can also tell you that we work everyday to appreciate and respect and protect the love and relationship we have now.

 

I wish you strength on your journey.

 

Cuckoo

[heartwhole]

We were each other's only partners as well. Yes, it does add a layer to the betrayal for me. But I also share that to give you hope that a wife can still choose to move forward with a wayward husband. Sometimes I think about it this way . . . she spent 2 nights with my husband. I have spent over 4,000 with him. I hope to spend many more. Those 2 nights were over a year ago. My husband is so horrified by what he has done that he never thinks about it. I'm sure if I asked him detail questions now, he wouldn't be able to remember.

 

Part of what you need to do for her is allow her to say, "I can't believe you did X" without hiding in your shell or wanting her to stop talking about it. You need to validate her feelings of shock and betrayal. Acknowledge that it's an awful thing.

 

When I hear that she is asking, "But why did you kiss her back?" I don't see that as asking for too many details. I see that as your wife recognizing that the blame lies with you. Who cares if she kissed you first? Is it OK for you to have an affair as long as the woman instigates it? Again, the OW pursued my husband as well. They were just friends and she told him she was falling in love with him. But that doesn't mean my husband isn't to blame. Why was he emotionally connecting with another woman to begin with? Why did he meet her and keep her secret? Why did she feel like it was OK to say that to him? Why did he respond so enthusiastically?

 

If your wife still wants details about the physical aspect, then you should give it to her. Not in an overly detailed kind of way, just a matter of fact way. If you can honestly say that you regret doing it or don't ever want to think about it again or anything to mitigate how awful it is, then do so. But you still need to answer honestly and acknowledge her right to be horrified and sad and angry.

 

I suspect that the faster you can shift from making "the OW seduced ME" and "the OW lied to ME" statements to making "it doesn't matter what the OW did, I am to blame" statements, the more likely it is that your wife can begin to process her rage and pain.

 

You need to continue working on yourself in therapy and with daily practice. Old habits die hard. You will need to learn to talk about your emotions instead of stuffing them down. You will need to learn to face hard things head-on without hiding your head in the sand. You will need to own your choices no matter what bad things happen to you (losing your job) or bad things other people do to you (OW coming on to you). You'll need to find strength within yourself so that when things are tough, you stand firm rather than falling apart.

 

Through all of this I am learning that the affair was an outgrowth of faulty coping mechanisms on my husband's part and a lack of clear boundaries and communication in our marriage. I've learned that we both never dealt with my becoming chronically ill five years ago. I've learned that my husband tends to be self-absorbed and to wallow in self-pity when things don't go his way. I've learned that I lost my sense of self and stopped prioritizing myself because I felt guilty for the way my illness affects my family. Once you have moved past the initial trauma of the affair, you can start to shore up the weaknesses in your marriage and become healthier people. If you can do that, then even though there will always be a scar from the infidelity, you have a chance to have a more meaningful and mutually satisfying marriage.

[Ladyjane14]

Thank you all for the replies and advice. Some of this stuff is hard to read and some things even seem discouraging like how long this is going to take. I'm hoping things get better and we can have some sembelence of a normal life. I know the pain and anger will take years to heal from but i hope she can find some happiness. Even if it's not with me. I feel horrible I have completely destroyed her life, our life, our future.

 

I am willing to do whatever it takes to fight for our M. She was finally able to get out of bed today and we went out to grab a bite to eat. Afterwards I took her to the zoo and we took a light stroll. Had dinner and desert. It would have been a perfect evening and day together if it wasn't for my decision to hurt us like this.

 

The thing that is killing us and killing her is we were each other's first.. We knew each other since childhood and both of us have never been with anyone else. We felt that made us special.. Now that special bond is gone .. It's broken. .and it's killing her.. She said even if we were to stay together that specialness is now gone.. It's killing me to realize what I have done.

 

You know, even if you guys hadn't been each other's first or only, that feeling of specialness, gets destroyed by the affair. If it helps you any though, I think perhaps it's an illusion anyway. None of us are as special and irreplaceable as we would like to think. This is ego. And of course, infidelity causes a total tear-down of it.

 

As you rebuild together, you may consider incorporating some Buddhist philosophy into your marital repair. You don't have to change your religion in order to practice meditation and mindfulness techniques. What these will do is help you both learn to appreciate being present, rather than grieving for the past or worrying about the future. So, these small exchanges like going out for dinner and desert can be fully enjoyed and become building blocks to future harmony. Try a copy of Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach.

 

Understand also that very often, the betrayed spouse is suffering from a traumatic stress injury after discovery. You can get more information on that in The Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk. It's basically PTSD, so some of what you're seeing is the amydala of the brain on high alert and out of her control; fight, flight, or freeze.

 

This is what they can "the reptilian brain", it can't be reasoned with, it has to be retrained. The Buddhist techniques above can help with that too, but she'd do well to see her medical doctor for some medication to help calm her anxiety if she's still losing whole days in bed.

 

Remember, that even though you are the offender here, you have also had a significant shock. You've done something you thought you'd never do. It's important for you to find out why that happened. You can't reassure your wife that it's never going to happen again if you haven't nailed down the cause and made that internal repair. Consider I Don't Want to Talk About It" by Terrence Real. Being susceptible, as you were, to the OW's flattery and attention could be indicative of what Real refers to as "covert male depression", which leaves one open to grandiose behaviors such as having an affair.

 

 

 

p.s. Oh, and one more thing... please consider contacting the Mods for a user-name change. there's a "Contact Us Privately" link on the front page right under the "Questions and Comments" section.

 

You did a bad thing, but going forward, you'll need to start focusing on the positives.

Edited March 20, 2016 by Ladyjane14
added post-script

[ShamefulPig]

Dude - you think taking her to the zoo and out for a meal makes this better?

 

You need to research about infidelity and what it does to a marriage! Learn what it takes to make forward steps.

 

Seriously! Taking her out is like putting a grain of sand on a beach when you need a million tons of sand.

 

How old are you two? Do you have kids?

 

Of course I know taking her to the zoo and out for dinner is not going to make things better. I full grasp the severity of what I have done. I realize I have a long and difficult road ahead of me. I figured getting out of the house. Breathing some fresh air and taking a stroll is better than staying at home in bed.

[ShamefulPig]

You know, even if you guys hadn't been each other's first or only, that feeling of specialness, gets destroyed by the affair. If it helps you any though, I think perhaps it's an illusion anyway. None of us are as special and irreplaceable as we would like to think. This is ego. And of course, infidelity causes a total tear-down of it.

 

As you rebuild together, you may consider incorporating some Buddhist philosophy into your marital repair. You don't have to change your religion in order to practice meditation and mindfulness techniques. What these will do is help you both learn to appreciate being present, rather than grieving for the past or worrying about the future. So, these small exchanges like going out for dinner and desert can be fully enjoyed and become building blocks to future harmony. Try a copy of Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach.

 

Understand also that very often, the betrayed spouse is suffering from a traumatic stress injury after discovery. You can get more information on that in The Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk. It's basically PTSD, so some of what you're seeing is the amydala of the brain on high alert and out of her control; fight, flight, or freeze.

 

This is what they can "the reptilian brain", it can't be reasoned with, it has to be retrained. The Buddhist techniques above can help with that too, but she'd do well to see her medical doctor for some medication to help calm her anxiety if she's still losing whole days in bed.

 

Remember, that even though you are the offender here, you have also had a significant shock. You've done something you thought you'd never do. It's important for you to find out why that happened. You can't reassure your wife that it's never going to happen again if you haven't nailed down the cause and made that internal repair. Consider I Don't Want to Talk About It" by Terrence Real. Being susceptible, as you were, to the OW's flattery and attention could be indicative of what Real refers to as "covert male depression", which leaves one open to grandiose behaviors such as having an affair.

 

 

 

p.s. Oh, and one more thing... please consider contacting the Mods for a user-name change. there's a "Contact Us Privately" link on the front page right under the "Questions and Comments" section.

 

You did a bad thing, but going forward, you'll need to start focusing on the positives.

 

Thank you for the advice. I will definitely check out the book Radical Acceptance. As for my username. It's not all negative. My wife and I had playful names for each other and I was always known as Oinky Pig to her. The very first stuff animal I bought her was a stuff animal pig back in high school. She still has that stuff animal in her drawer after 18 years.

[ShamefulPig]

We were each other's only partners as well. Yes, it does add a layer to the betrayal for me. But I also share that to give you hope that a wife can still choose to move forward with a wayward husband. Sometimes I think about it this way . . . she spent 2 nights with my husband. I have spent over 4,000 with him. I hope to spend many more. Those 2 nights were over a year ago. My husband is so horrified by what he has done that he never thinks about it. I'm sure if I asked him detail questions now, he wouldn't be able to remember.

 

Part of what you need to do for her is allow her to say, "I can't believe you did X" without hiding in your shell or wanting her to stop talking about it. You need to validate her feelings of shock and betrayal. Acknowledge that it's an awful thing.

 

When I hear that she is asking, "But why did you kiss her back?" I don't see that as asking for too many details. I see that as your wife recognizing that the blame lies with you. Who cares if she kissed you first? Is it OK for you to have an affair as long as the woman instigates it? Again, the OW pursued my husband as well. They were just friends and she told him she was falling in love with him. But that doesn't mean my husband isn't to blame. Why was he emotionally connecting with another woman to begin with? Why did he meet her and keep her secret? Why did she feel like it was OK to say that to him? Why did he respond so enthusiastically?

 

If your wife still wants details about the physical aspect, then you should give it to her. Not in an overly detailed kind of way, just a matter of fact way. If you can honestly say that you regret doing it or don't ever want to think about it again or anything to mitigate how awful it is, then do so. But you still need to answer honestly and acknowledge her right to be horrified and sad and angry.

 

I suspect that the faster you can shift from making "the OW seduced ME" and "the OW lied to ME" statements to making "it doesn't matter what the OW did, I am to blame" statements, the more likely it is that your wife can begin to process her rage and pain.

 

You need to continue working on yourself in therapy and with daily practice. Old habits die hard. You will need to learn to talk about your emotions instead of stuffing them down. You will need to learn to face hard things head-on without hiding your head in the sand. You will need to own your choices no matter what bad things happen to you (losing your job) or bad things other people do to you (OW coming on to you). You'll need to find strength within yourself so that when things are tough, you stand firm rather than falling apart.

 

Through all of this I am learning that the affair was an outgrowth of faulty coping mechanisms on my husband's part and a lack of clear boundaries and communication in our marriage. I've learned that we both never dealt with my becoming chronically ill five years ago. I've learned that my husband tends to be self-absorbed and to wallow in self-pity when things don't go his way. I've learned that I lost my sense of self and stopped prioritizing myself because I felt guilty for the way my illness affects my family. Once you have moved past the initial trauma of the affair, you can start to shore up the weaknesses in your marriage and become healthier people. If you can do that, then even though there will always be a scar from the infidelity, you have a chance to have a more meaningful and mutually satisfying marriage.

 

It does seem like we share a similar story and scenario. I also tend to be self-absorbed and wallow in self pity when things do not go smoothly for me. None of these are excuses but it's something I realized about myself through this whole ordeal. I am so glad you have posted here as it does give me some hope.

 

As for the details she sometimes wants the gory details which is even disturbing for me to think about.

 

Of course my wife is in disbelief and shock still. I feel she rather have the OW take all the blame. She made a comment if I was to blame or something like that there was not even a reason to move forward.

Edited March 21, 2016 by ShamefulPig
Typo

[elaine567]

As for the details she sometimes wants the gory details which is even disturbing for me to think about.

 

 

She wants the gory details as she wants to add some reality to what is going on in her brain. Her imagination will be running riot here.

Withholding such info is not protecting her.

She also needs to see that you are transparent and willing to tell the truth, the whole truth.

[heartwhole]

It sounds like you are gaining some self-awareness from all of this. It's a journey; just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

 

Of course my wife is in disbelief and shock still. I feel she rather have the OW take all the blame. She made a comment if I was to blame or something like that there was not even a reason to move forward.

 

I definitely directed a lot of anger and blame at the OW for a long, long time. It's only been in the last month or two that I've stopped writing her angry letters that I'll never send. I think it's a very normal response as it protects you from feeling all of that rage at your spouse. It's easier to blame the interloper. That doesn't make it right, just understandable. If I were you I'd just keep telling her that you are to blame because you reciprocated when she came on to you. If you say, "I know! That OW is such a terrible person!" your wife will just be thinking, "Well then aren't YOU a terrible person?" It's better to redirect her blame to yourself in a gentle manner when she goes down that road.

 

I'd also answer her questions honestly. You can ask "Do you really want to know?" and if she says yes, then answer as succinctly as possible. I didn't want to know the number of times or positions or anything like that, but I needed to know what acts took place because my WH naively thought that there was no risk of STI transmission if he used protection. That's simply not the case and I have a right to know what I could have been exposed to.

[heartwhole]

I also think the zoo date was great . . . she's been having a hard time even getting out of bed, so it's a good thing that she's showing motivation to do fun things.

 

I view every positive experience and interaction as a drop in the bucket. Eventually you notice that your bucket is a lot fuller than it was before. Obviously a single date or gift or vacation isn't going to fix everything, which you already know. But every positive thing you do with each other helps you reconnect, create new memories, remember who you are and why you fell in love, etc. It's also something tangible you can give your wife while she's feeling like the OW stole something from her . . . well, the OW didn't get all these special memories with you.

 

You mentioned reading After the Affair. We read that one first too, but I much prefer How to Help Your Spouse Heal After an Affair (super short read) and Not Just Friends (a long read but very thorough and insightful).

[Satu]

The really sad thing about affairs in my opinion, is the *loss of innocence.*

[Mrs. John Adams]

Satu...I agree with you. For us....I think that was the biggest loss. We have been together since we were 16 and 18. John is the only boy I ever dated.

 

One time he wrote something here on loveshack that literally took my breath away. He had to promise to marry me to take my virginity....yet I freely gave myself to another man for absolutely nothing.

 

and there it is in a nutshell. The innocence of our love...the innocence of our sexual intimacy....GONE...and it is the ONE thing we can never get back.

 

Sometimes....losing the innocence is more than the betrayed can handle.

 

Just because a wayward WANTS to reconcile....doesn't mean reconciliation is possible....and it takes TIME for a betrayed to sort through all of the emotional ups and downs to even know what they want to do.

 

We were 2 years into our reconciliation when John had his Reactive affair.

He said the other day....when i had my affair he thought we were happy.....and when he had his...I thought we were happy.

 

So even 2 years later...we were obviously still struggling....still processing.

 

The one thing I try to impress on folks just beginning this process...and i say it all the time. Reconciliation is a lifelong process. It is NEVER over.

 

Now...that does not mean you are forever doomed to unhappiness! Life returns to normalcy....happiness returns....

 

But the infidelity scars forever remain.....we can use them as a reminder of far we have come...and rejoice for the progress made.

 

Shamefulpig....is at the beginning of a lifelong process.....and i wish there was a magic potion we could take that would give us instant healing...but there isn't. Maybe...in the scheme of things....because it is a process...it helps us to appreciate what we have even more. Maybe because we have worked so hard to get where we are...we have learned a valuable lesson...to never take for granted what we have.

 

I highly recommend how to help your spouse heal from your affair. Heart has recommended it on this thread twice now. If shamefulpig reads it...and if he is READY....it can help him in so many ways.

 

Remorse is an action.....and very few waywards ever understand....and yet every betrayed needs it in order to move forward and to heal.

[Satu]

Satu...I agree with you. For us....I think that was the biggest loss. We have been together since we were 16 and 18. John is the only boy I ever dated.

 

One time he wrote something here on loveshack that literally took my breath away. He had to promise to marry me to take my virginity....yet I freely gave myself to another man for absolutely nothing.

 

and there it is in a nutshell. The innocence of our love...the innocence of our sexual intimacy....GONE...and it is the ONE thing we can never get back.

 

Sometimes....losing the innocence is more than the betrayed can handle.

 

Just because a wayward WANTS to reconcile....doesn't mean reconciliation is possible....and it takes TIME for a betrayed to sort through all of the emotional ups and downs to even know what they want to do.

 

We were 2 years into our reconciliation when John had his Reactive affair.

He said the other day....when i had my affair he thought we were happy.....and when he had his...I thought we were happy.

 

So even 2 years later...we were obviously still struggling....still processing.

 

The one thing I try to impress on folks just beginning this process...and i say it all the time. Reconciliation is a lifelong process. It is NEVER over.

 

Now...that does not mean you are forever doomed to unhappiness! Life returns to normalcy....happiness returns....

 

But the infidelity scars forever remain.....we can use them as a reminder of far we have come...and rejoice for the progress made.

 

Shamefulpig....is at the beginning of a lifelong process.....and i wish there was a magic potion we could take that would give us instant healing...but there isn't. Maybe...in the scheme of things....because it is a process...it helps us to appreciate what we have even more. Maybe because we have worked so hard to get where we are...we have learned a valuable lesson...to never take for granted what we have.

 

I highly recommend how to help your spouse heal from your affair. Heart has recommended it on this thread twice now. If shamefulpig reads it...and if he is READY....it can help him in so many ways.

 

Remorse is an action.....and very few waywards ever understand....and yet every betrayed needs it in order to move forward and to heal.

I really admire you for your openess, honesty, and compassion.

[Mrs. John Adams]

and I you my dear......

[Liam1]

Hi OP:

 

I haven't read the entire thread. But two things concern me regarding your wife.

 

One: You were afraid to tell your wife you were laid off. Why? Does this hae something to do with your wife's expected reaction to your lay off, or you?

 

Why did you feel she would not support you as a good wife should, when you were down?

 

Is she very punitive, dismissive, does she denigrate you put you down and generally act disrespectful toward you?

 

Two: Your wife refuses to go to counseling. This is a red flag to me. This is very disrespectful, if she wants to truly reconcile, and not very productive.

 

Why does she refuse counseling? Is she afraid to confront her own issues and her part in what led you two lie to her about being laid off and to later, when depressed, seek an affair from another woman.

 

You say you are in hell and hopeless. Without good infidelity counseling this will likely not resolve because your wife will continue to blame only you without ever looking at herself and her contribution to the marriage.

 

If the reconciliation is to be successful your wife needs to at some point stop continually discussing the affair non-stop.

 

My counselor told her after about a month that she had to limit discussions about the affair to a half hour per day. Any more than that was not healthy the counselor said. After a few years, the counselor told her she had to stop bringing up the affair at all, if she wanted the reconciliation to work.

 

With that said, some marriages can not survive an affair no matter what the Wayward spouse does or no matter how good they are going forward because the loyal spouse is too self righteous. They use the affair as a weapon against the wayward and constantly beat the wayward over the head with it as a way to get the upper hand in every marital dispute, going forward.

 

If that is the case, some people are better off just realizing things are hopeless and moving on.

 

In the early days after DDay, my wife was constantly going over the details and starting fights. It was making me feel hopeless, too.

 

I offered my wife a divorce, but she did not want a divorce. So I moved out for awhile to give her spouse and to see if she truly wanted to stay with me.

 

She missed me and asked me to come back. Had she not showed that she missed me, I would have filed.

 

The other thing that truly turned things around was when the counselor said to my wife: "You are both attractive, self sufficient people. You can both likely easily find someone else to marry.

 

Then she looked at my wife and said. Would you have preferred that you husband had simply come home one day and asked for a divorce.

 

She told my wife to think about it until the next session.

 

At that session, my wife said she would NOT have preferred that I simply came home and handed her divorce papers.

 

She said that would have definitely been far more attractive than me having sex with a woman I did not love.

 

 

 

Forgive me I am new here so I am learning all the abbreviations.

 

I came across this forum in hopes of finding advice on how to heal and move forward. I must say reading this forum is both encouraging and discouraging seeing how much pain still exists years from d-day. I only wish I somehow read these stories months ago and perhaps it would have prevented me from making the worst mistake of my life.

 

The following is my story:

I have been married to my wife for over 10+ years and we know have been together for 18+. We were childhood friends who have been together since high school. We were both each other's first. One would say we had the perfect storybook love story. Everything was great even after being together for 18+ years; we had fun, we laughed, we cuddled, we cooked, we were silly... We really had that special bond and we were romantic and passionate and loved to spend every single moment with each other.

 

Having an affair is not something that I would have ever thought in a million years would happen to me or something I could ever do. I never imagined in a million years I would hurt the love of my life like this. Let's go back 6 months..

 

I have always been very successful in my career. I became a leader at a very young age and I was well respected within the organization. I felt proud of my accomplishments and my career and work was something I viewed as part of my identity. Last year my entire team and myself included was laid off. I don't know why but I didn't even tell my wife about this at first. I felt ashamed.. I felt useless.. I felt like a failure.. Won't go into details but I became very depressed. I now realize I'm not a strong person emotionally and I dug my self a deeper and deeper hole. I became emotionally distant and lost interest in all the things I found joy in before.

 

During an interview I met the OW. At first it was just an interview but a week later she contacted me again and wanted to follow up with me on another opportunity. I met her for coffee and we discussed other possibities. She added me to a chat app and we started talking online. She later asked me out to lunch again and I went. I was just so depressed with my life that it felt like a distraction.. We chatted for 3 months and she found out I was married but it didn't seem to matter. SHe asked me to go on a trip with her in December and I lied to my wife I had a business trip. I can't believe I this even typing this out it's just seems so dispicable and surreal that I could do something so cruel now. I spent 3 days with the OW and things turned into a PA.

 

Finding Out: WHen I got back my wife saw emails and pictures I had left behind. She confronted me but instead of coming clean I lied to cover things up. This went on for a few days with each new discovery I lied to cover up. This went on for 4 days before everything came out. I can not believe I did not have the courage to even come clean. I was a corward and now I am suffering the consequences. Worst thing D-day is Xmas week. Her favorite holiday. I can't stand that I have destroyed that for her as well.

 

We are now 3 months out and struggling. She has lost interest in life and has gone into depression. Every little thing is a trigger and I feel hopeless, shameful, guilty, remorseful. I miss our old happy silly lives so much. We have nothing to look forward to now. All there is pain, sadness, anger and a dark cloud hanging over us everywhere we go. Life really has become a hell and I don't know if we can make it through this. I've seen a side of hurt and anger I've never imagined out of her. Everything just seem so over now..

 

Sorry about the random rumbling. Just typed what came to mind.. I'm lost...

[Liam1]

 

Of course my wife is in disbelief and shock still. I feel she rather have the OW take all the blame. She made a comment if I was to blame or something like that there was not even a reason to move forward.

 

See this is why the two of you need to find a good infidelity counselor.

 

In the early days it is easier for the betrayed spouse to blame the OW.

 

It is a way for her to redirect the anger she feels toward you to someone else. It likely feels safer for her to do that.

 

But the fact is she is angry at you and both you and the OW agreed to the affair. You were not forced into the affair.

 

She needs to be encouraged to release her anger at you in a safe environment, like a counselors office, early after dday.

 

IMO, counseling is your best bet, if you want a good reconciliation.

[dreamingoftigers]

She wants the gory details as she wants to add some reality to what is going on in her brain. Her imagination will be running riot here.

Withholding such info is not protecting her.

She also needs to see that you are transparent and willing to tell the truth, the whole truth.

 

Yes, a failure to disclose is purely self-protection and only gives more power to the affair.

 

It shows a lack of willingness for YOU to move on from it. You want to keep your "special stuff" private instead of being honest with your partner.