Considering Divorce

[joanne82]

I have only been married 1 year but together with my husband for 7 years. Although we have been together 7 years we have only lived together the last 16 months. We also have an 8 month old baby together and I have a 10 year old son from a prior marriage. Two years ago I broke up with my husband because at that point we were already engaged for 2 years with no wedding date and he refused to live with me. He pursued me again after 2 months apart and promised me the world and in that time I immediately got pregnant. He then agreed to sign a lease with me in New Jersey where I live; he works in New York about 60 miles away. We got married a few months later. In this time he's never fully lived with me stating the distance as an excuse and sleeps at his parents house 3 to 4 times per week because he claims it is more convenient than commuting to our house. During my pregnancy I was let go from my job when I was 5 months pregnant and haven't been able to find a new job since. He also pays absolutely no bills in this house because he claims that a big portion of his pay goes to the commute and tolls and child support from his previous children. He makes almost 60k per year so he does make a decent wage and should have something to contribute. The problem is he is very bad with money and just spends without thinking of any bills. He also spends an outrageous amount of money spoiling his other kids leaving us with nothing. We have been living off my savings and child support. I don't feel like a married woman as I am basically here alone with the baby and my son most times, I pay all the bills, I do all the cooking and cleaning, I help my husband edit his work reports regularly. When he is here all he does is spend his time on his phone or laptop and barely speaks to me. During the pregnancy he refused to have sex with me the entire time despite my crying begging him to have sex with me. As a result we went 10 months without sex. Ever since the baby has been born we only have sex once every 2 or 3 weeks max. There are times an entire month goes by with no sex. Before living together, we would have sex 3 times per week so there is a huge decline and I feel rejected. My husband also has major anger problems and is constantly exploding with anger on a daily basis simply when I tell him my feelings and what is wrong.

 

 

I know this isn't a marriage in any way. My husband contributes absolutely nothing to the marriage. I am at a point that next month I am running out of all savings and will no longer be able to pick up his weight and he is already talking about spending $500 on a birthday present for his son next month because he feels it's the least he could do for him not living him or seeing him very often. All of this while me and my son go without. I now have no idea how we will even pay the rent the month of May and June that is left of this lease.

 

 

I am being forced to move to Florida since I can not find a job here and childcare costs are too expensive. My mother moved to Florida recently and is able to get me a teaching job and knows somebody who will babysit my baby at a price I can actually afford. Also, my husband provides zero financial support here and we are on the verge of being homeless. My parents are letting me live in their house for 3 months while I start my job and save up for my own place. My husband will stay at his parent's house in New York while he looks for a job in Florida. He is supposed to send me money every month to help me get on my feet but I'm not counting on it.

 

 

The other problem is that he is lazy. He is only searching for state jobs that pay very little and won't bring in any money into our household after he pays his child support and the babysitter for our daughter. He only wants laid back easy jobs. He is capable of applying to other jobs that pay more but he is not interested. This means once again once he comes to Florida, I'll be paying all the bills myself.

 

 

His anger also scares me. He's very selfish and always goes against my wishes. He is emotionally abusive and is constantly making indirect jokes about me losing weight. A few years ago he made me feel so bad about my looks even though I wasn't overweight and he basically talked me into getting a laser lipo on my belly which I had to get into debt for and was extremely painful.

 

 

I'm sorry this is so long. This is just a synopsis of everything. There is so much more to this story and sorry if my thoughts seem all over the place in this post. I'm devastated at this point and I'm just so fed up with everything and it's driving me into a major depression. He makes me feel like what he's doing is not that bad and he has an excuse for everything. His excuse for paying no bills is the commute is an expense and he has other kids to pay for. His excuse for not coming home is it's too far. When I tell him I'm hurt for him calling me fat, he says he's just joking.

 

 

I've reached a point this week where I think there is no point continuing this marriage. I am just so ashamed being that this is my second marriage and I grew up with parents who are still happily married to this day. This with my first husband ended terribly and he was stalking me up until 2 years ago. It also came out 7 months ago that he had been molesting my son for the last few years. My son now hasn't seen his father in 7 months and my husband isn't bad to him but he doesn't treat him as a son and doesn't think of him during Christmas and birthdays, he only thinks about his kids and that also hurts.

 

 

I'm drowning in this situation with all the problems I'm facing. I feel like I've done everything to try to make this work and I feel selfish for potentially breaking up my family once again but I feel like I may have no choice.

 

 

If you've read my ridiculously long post, I thank you. Does anybody have any advice? These are issues I bottle up inside because if anybody knew all this stuff about my husband they would hate him.

[Satu]

snip

If you've read my ridiculously long post, I thank you. *Does anybody have any advice? These are issues I bottle up inside because if anybody knew all this stuff about my husband they would hate him.

 

Sorry to hear that you are in this horrible situation.

 

*Divorce him for sure.

 

He's a lazy and nasty excuse for a man.

 

He's certainly nothing like a husband.

 

Go to Florida and start a new life for you and your child.

 

That will take a little courage and adjustment, but in the long run you'll be much better off.

 

Just do it.

[Mr. Lucky]

I've reached a point this week where I think there is no point continuing this marriage.

 

As you've already said - what marriage?

 

At best, your place is a (free!) way station for your H's occasional trips to Jersey. It looks like you'be been had, he doesn't have any intention of committing to you and your child.

 

Someone needs to step up and make a life for you and your son. Florida sounds like a fresh start where you'll have a job and family support. I'd go ASAP.

 

And while you're down there, no guys. Your man-picker needs some serious re-calibration...

 

Mr. Lucky

[maacus]

You seem like a very fine person to me, and you have spoken well. I only wish that I had a wife as good as you; you really seem so unselfish. I wish I had advice that was more than this, but all I can offer is to get away from this man. He doesn't appreciate you and will only grow worse over time.

 

Be well and take care.

Edited March 19, 2016 by maacus

[SoleMate]

You're absolutely right, there's nothing here to save. Divorce is the correct choice and the sooner, the better. Slight bright side....some people with troubled marriages are on the fence because there's enough good along with the bad, it make it hard to finalize the decision, but in your case, clarity can come quickly due to the overwhelming negative facts. Moving to Florida to be with your parents and get their love and support sounds like an awesome plan as well. I do agree that you need to get your life stabilized in Florida and then work on your manpicker before you consider any further entanglements.

 

I know it's sad to end a marriage, even a bad one, so you probably have some grieving to do. Don't stint yourself on that, let all the sadness flow. For a time.

 

When you get past the worst of your grief, you'll see you have a brighter future ahead. Hugs.