Fell out of love, need divorce insight

[pipevine]

This is going to be long, so get comfy. Feel free to probe and ask questions to get a better idea of my situation.

I'm 21 years old. I've known my husband for 6 years, dated him for two and have been married to him for 1. I knew him in high school, chased him like crazy and have almost always been in love with him. I've always been wise beyond my years, I thought.

I hate to say I'm being a statistic, but I'm not in love with him anymore.

I feel like I really was before. And I feel like I've felt this way for quite some time, but it's just now sinking in.

We lived with my mother from 3 months together until she died. She was very controlling of us, sheltered and controlled me my whole life. I went into a depression and when I came out of it, I married him 3 months after her death. I didn't think this then, but now I'm thinking I rushed my marriage as a rebellious, "I can finally do what I want now" kind of thing.

But on to my problems with him... I don't even know where to start, so I'm sorry if my thoughts are a little all over the place.

I guess it starts with the proposal and his creativity.

He was really big into art and romanticism when we first knew each other. He was with his ex for 4 years before me and did everything for her. She got cute notes, flowers, surprises, gifts for birthdays and anniversaries, picnics, the whole nine. And her proposal was on Christmas, in a horse carriage, with a 10k diamond at the Gaylord Opryland hotel. Thats a huge, gorgeous place in my town where a lot of romantic stuff happens.

MY proposal was ALSO on Christmas, with a rhinestone, in my hoarding mother's living room. We were walking out the door and he goes, "Oh wait," pulls it out of his pocket and says "Will you marry me?" Like it was nothing special.

That hurt for a really long time. And it wasn't like I needed a whole big shindig and I'm not superficial but there was no thought behind it.

I've never gotten sweet little surprises, much less big ones. I organized all of our anniversaries, last minute, because I was giving him the chance to do it. I bought our wedding bands. He's never gotten me an anniversary, Valentine's, or birthday gift, or planned for them. Our first married Christmas was the first time he himself has actually thought about me. I just want him to plan something. And I don't want it to be blamed on, maybe he's just not that kind of guy, because he was for her.

I've heard a gazillion times to talk to him about it, and I have, and he'll take me bowling or to a movie or something and be sweet for a good couple weeks and then it goes back to being comfortable. Or he blames it on working all the time, or he'll think of something to do for me but he forgets. How do you forget your wife? I work just as many hours as him and I still put notes in his wallet to find, bring him lunch at work on my off days, etc.

We used to make love like rabbits. I was so attracted to him and there was never any problem with my libido. Now, for maybe about a year and a half, it's been dull. We don't have problems helping each other out once we get going but for me it's hard to get aroused by him because of how he goes about it. All day long he'll only give me a peck here and there. He doesn't kiss me like he used to. He doesn't hug me unless it's when one of us first comes home from work. There's no passion in it. The closest thing I can relate it to is an old car. You've gotta hit the gas a couple times before you can start it to get fuel in the carburetor. A dry car won't start. Well my husband wants to skip the priming and go straight into first gear.

For example, if he wants sex, out of nowhere he'll just squeeze a breast or my behind or full on just start trying to rub my lady business. Or throughout the day, I'll be cooking or doing whatever and instead of being sweet or sexy about it, he'll grope me and just walk off. I never get caressed or sweet talked or kissed on. We'll go awhile without sex and then he starts getting insecure and feels like I don't want him. Well how can I when I don't truly feel wanted myself? I feel like a piece of meat and my own husband shouldn't make me uncomfortable. It's makes me very angry and very hurt. I just can't get over the fact that he only ever touches me in 3 places. And just like the romantic stuff, I've talked to him about this too and he turns it around on me. "I'm ALWAYS the one that has to initiate sex." So I'll get in the bath, prime myself, and then go initiate it. And from then on he does the same stuff, thinking I'm his little slut he can do whatever with.

It's harder to find him attractive when I don't feel like he's trying. I try to stay beautiful for him. I fix my hair, shave, make sure I'm always clean, brush my teeth religiously so I always have nice breath.

He doesn't groom his beard, I do. He turns into a lumberjack...everywhere. I have to remind him like he's 5 to brush his teeth. It gets so bad I can see the plaque and smell his breath from across the couch. He's got an energy drink addiction and it's starting to look like he's got meth mouth. It's just really unattractive.

He has an I don't care attitude about everything. Whether it be what we eat, where we go, what we do. I ask his input on any given thing and his usual response is, "I don't care, whatever you want." He's so thoughtless and it drives me crazy. I asked him what he thought about me changing my super long hair. Got the usual, so I went and cut it off to chin length and had it colored. When I came home, he cocked his head and said, You dyed it? Didn't notice the cut even though it was 15 inches of hair removed. He doesn't notice when I change anything, whether it be my appearance or something big in the house or something for him. I've been trying so hard to find something he doesn't like so I at least get a different reaction out of him. He doesn't care about anything.

He takes me for granted. He's got 3 phrases on repeat, which are, I love you, I miss you, and you're my world. They sound so robotic and meaningless now, like it's just a habit. I hear those phrases more times out of the day than anything he says to me and I can't stand it. He doesn't tell me he loves me with heart behind it anymore.

I've tried to talk to him about all these scenarios before and it just doesn't have lasting effect. I've bought couples workbooks and he doesn't seem interested in them because he thinks there's nothing wrong with us. He's too ignorant to realize.

And he's got no goals. We've lived with his mother since mine died and he's shown no interest in getting our own place. He's carried debt with him since college and doesn't feel like we could make it on our own. He doesn't have any idea what he wants to do the rest of his life. He seems content as he is now.

He just doesn't try to impress me anymore. Like having a car, you can't just buy it and drive it. It takes regular oil changes and tune ups to stay in good condition and if you just put gas in it and drive, well, one day it's going to break down and you'll be walking home alone.

There's no mystery. He readily bends over in front of me naked and that's not a sexy view. He'll fart on me or burp in my face. Pick his nose and wipe it on his pants in front of me. Doesn't care if I go into the bathroom while he's going #2. Doesn't wash his hands after. He acts goofy at inopportune times, like the off moments I'm trying to start sexy time. I know everything about him and I love him but it seems as though he's more my best friend and roommate than my lover and soulmate.

I can tell I'm falling out of love with him now because I've started to adopt the I don't care attitude myself.

I don't miss him when I'm away from him. I'm actually happy until I get home. One night recently he was 2 and a half hours late home from work, he says because his boss pitched a fit because the store was a mess, and I didn't care what he was doing. I did worry in case he was hurt but other than that, like if he were to be cheating, I wouldn't have cared. I actually would've been relieved. A long time ago I got sad when he'd even be 15 minutes home late because of traffic. I find myself having straying thoughts, carelessly flirting with customers that come into my store, wishing I'd had more time to have fun being free before I married him. Things that I used to think were cute now annoy or disgust me. I don't wear my ring when I'm not around him. I look at him while he's sleeping and can't find the warmth and passion I used to see. I find myself attacking his decisions, picking fights. I often don't want to be touched by him. I have less patience for him. I don't go out of my way for him like I used to. Some might say I'm just bored. But I've been bored before and this is way different. It's like a numbness instead of a longing for attention.

I'm sure there's a lot more to it than I've detailed, which would take forever.

I don't want advice on how to make things better because I've gone that route many times and it's just not working anymore. I've already mentally checked out of my marriage and I just want to end it. I'm so tired of being tired. I've already got plans for where I'll go. I'm just not prepared for the talk. It will be a huge surprise to him because I absolutely know he doesn't think anything is wrong. He just thinks I'm exhausted from my new job. I've read that you shouldn't start a divorce talk with aggression or attack, you shouldn't base it off what's wrong with them. So I guess what I'm looking for are some helpful key points I could make to him, reasons maybe. I know he'll beg me to stay and try to work it out. How do I stay firm in my decision? We don't have kids or property together so the only thing we'd really have to work out is who gets the cat, who takes over the joint bank account and agreements on splitting the phone bill. How do I get him say yes to an agreed divorce without lawyers? How do I deal with the inevitable flurry of emotions that will come with it, from both of us? I seem fine now but I know when I initiate this I'll break down. How do I keep family members from getting in the middle of it? When's the best time to do it? How do we keep our mutual friends? Anyone who's gone through a young divorce, please give me insight on how your process went. I need all the help I can get.

[d0nnivain]

It's very difficult to get a divorce without lawyers because law is not a self help proposition.

 

 

While I agree that many of his behaviors are well less then mannerly part of your disappointment stems from your unrealistic expectation, Marriage isn't all about romance & courtliness. The movies end with the kiss or the wedding because the marriage is the hard messy stuff.

 

 

Before you get a divorce, try marriage counseling. I know you said you don't want advice on how to make it better but you did make legal promises about your commitment to each other. At least he says he loves you & you are his world. That is a foundation upon which you can build.

 

 

I have been married for 7 years & am old enough to be your mom. However, the 1st year of marriage was very difficult for me. It was a change. But we worked together to make the adjustment.

 

 

You & your husband need a way to learn to work as a team so you both get your expectations met.

 

 

Your desire for the fairytale tells me even if you dump your husband your next relationship won't be successful either because you aren't willing to live in reality.

[smackie9]

All you need to do is wait for him to go to work and pack up what is yours and move out. Contact him and tell him you want a divorce. I don't know what the laws are there but if you separate for one year you can file for like 500 bucks to have a notary fill out the paperwork since there are no assets. Call the bank to have your name taken off the accounts. done.

[butterfly1958]

Love in its purist form is unconditional as people feel that God loves them. Striving for that unconditional love in a marriage is an ongoing challenge. After many years of marriage, I can say that I fell out of love and into love with with my husband. A commitment is made when you are married to stay together. That commitment takes a partner through those times when you may love the other person but really do not like who they are at the moment. There is a good article on this website to read regarding anger verses emotional abusehttp://www.focusonthefamily.com/lifechallenges/abuse-and-addiction/understanding-emotional-abuse/faqs-about-emotional-abuse. What helped was for me to realize that I am not responsible for his anger, frustration, or behavior. All of us choose to act how we act. I learned to not cry or become upset myself but to provide space ....... sometimes lots of it and let it settle itself out. Then when a quiet moment came I would discuss it with him when emotions were in check. Counseling may be helpful for you. The statistics are great for couples that will give counseling an honest try. As is mentioned before, marriage and close relationships in general can get sticky and using and growing your skills to deal constructively with a situation helps one cope with life. Have you tried regular dates? Have you really shared your feelings? the grass is not always greener. Praying you take time prior to acting on a divorce

[mikeylo]

There will never be a best time to divorce , just like there is no good time to get married , for people who are waiting for the right time. If you are done,you are done. Get an attorney and the paper work started. It can take a long time. Leave family/ friends aside. Tell them to mind their own business. You made a mistake , dong have to live throug it if it's not working.

[SaveYourHeart]

Before you think of filing without an attorney, go talk to one, the first consultation is usually free. If you separate without an attorney, there's a likelihood that you'll have to go back and make changes that will cost you twice as much than it would have to do it right the first time. Don't take legal advice on the internet, the 1 year separation thing is definitely not a thing here in Georgia, abandonment maybe, but they would still have to be served with the paperwork and abandonment almost always needs to be done with an attorney because it's so sensitive.

 

In regards to talking to him about it, why not try to just lay it all out on the table? Say that you loved him very much, that you feel like you rushed into this marriage and that some way, somehow, the spark went away. That you feel like he's holding you down and you're holding him back? Make it a mutual thing. Tell him how you feel. Tell him that you're so young and that you might not be ready for this yet. Tell him you are sad and lost and you need some space. Maybe even try a trial separation before taking the big plunge. Heck, one day y'all could find each other again. You are too young to be miserable honey, take it from me (a miserable 23 year old who's in a very similar situation). Best of luck honey!

[CarrieT]

I'm 21 years old. I've known my husband for 6 years, dated him for two and have been married to him for 1. I knew him in high school, chased him like crazy and have almost always been in love with him. I've always been wise beyond my years, I thought.

I didn't have to read much beyond this.

 

You simply got married too young and are starting to grow up. This is why those of us that have been around this site for a while try to convince people to not consider getting married until their late 20s or early 30s.

 

You are worrying about keeping mutual friends? Don't worry about stuff like that. It is minutiae.

 

Many of us have been there. You don't have to have him agree to anything. You simply file for a divorce and serve him papers. It doesn't sound like you are old enough to have enough assets to worry about anyway.

 

Good luck.

[lil hoodlum]

He farts on you and burps in your face?

 

 

That is so gross and completely lacking respect towards you.

 

 

Yes, I would agree with you, he takes you for granted.