5 years later...still filled with hate

[seany25]

This would be a long story but I am going to cut to the chase..

 

Just over 5 years ago I met this girl I'd been flirting with for a while on Facebook. We didn't sleep with each other for 2 weeks. Then we had a thing for 3 months. She ditched me & I was broken hearted. After a while I stopped talking to her to try & move on.

 

A few months later she contacted me again as she was pregnant. Then she ignored me for the entire pregnancy & so I missed out on everything (which I would have loved to be a part of). She also screwed around a lot when she was pregnant with my child.

 

It is the screwing around whilst pregnant that is the killer blow here... I was so angry that I was going to kill or seriously maim as many men as I knew or suspected she slept with, by cutting their privates off.

 

9 months after my child was born I moved 50 miles away as I could not get over this rage that I wanted serious revenge. Plus she had not let me see my child much either.

 

I took my pain & made a lot of positive things happen. I have 2 great careers & I am going places. It has taken a long time but it's all good. I see my child as much as possible & we love each other.

 

The thing is, deep down I still crave revenge. I hate my child's mother for what she done & making me miss out on all those precious moments that were so important to me. To me the screwing around & having boyfriends whilst pregnant with MY child was a violation of my unborn child & a violation of my pride. I would love to see bad things happen to the men involved that I either know or believe we're part of this. I would love to DO bad things to them.

 

The fact that these actions can never be undone are the problem. I will never be able to let it go because there is no way she could ever fix it no matter what she done. Even the fact she is a great mother does not make it better.

 

**please do not mention getting a DNA test.. It is not an issue here**

 

I am not as deeply enraged as I was a couple of years ago where it was consuming my days from morning to night & I could actually feel the hatred burning inside me. But it is still there.

 

Because of what happened. I do not want to be truly civil to her or her family. I have never met anyone she has dated since, nor would I want to. If there is another man spending more time with my child than me, then I hate that man. The fact I had no say in any of it means I will never accept the step-father scenario.

 

I don't even know if I want to truly forgive & forget. I know it is the healthiest thing for me. But I feel the wrongs were too severe, at least to me, to truly forgive.

 

Is it possible for me to be free from the burden of hatred & bitterness?

Edited March 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[LivingWaterPlease]

I don't even know if I want to truly forgive & forget. I know it is the healthiest thing for me. But I feel the wrongs were too severe, at least to me, to truly forgive.

 

Is it possible for me to be free from the burden of hatred & bitterness?

 

 

Yes, seany, it's possible to be free from the burden of hatred & bitterness but it probably won't happen overnight. However, you can begin now to have relief.

 

I don't know of your beliefs.

 

Without going into detail, I (as most people, I've learned) have more than one situation in my life that could cause me to be consumed by bitterness and a desire for revenge.

 

But, thankfully, I've read from the Bible that we aren't to take revenge, God will avenge (Romans 12:19, "Do not take revenge, vengeance is mine, I will repay.") and will repay wrongs done to us if we have a close friendship with Him in which we ask for Him to avenge us.

 

The reason He tells us not to avenge ourselves is twofold:1. He can do a much better and more thorough job of avenging us than we can ourselves and (Hebrews 10:31, "It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God) 2. when He does it we don't have to get our hands dirty or suffer consequences of doing something to someone others may not approve of and of which we may even suffer legal or criminal consequences for.

 

You'd best continue to be a great and loving father to your child and pray that God will avenge you.

 

This is the way I've handled mistreatment in my life and I can tell you that it's been very satisfying to sit on the sidelines and watch God avenge me. It takes Him time to do so, but never fear, He will do it. And you won't have to suffer the repercussions of the law of the land by finding yourself imprisoned for cutting off someone's privates.

 

I would also suggest you get in some kind of individual counseling for this issue. The healthier your are, the less bitterness in your heart and life, the better father you'll be.

[seany25]

Without meaning any offence, I have never taken anything from God or the bible in regards to this particular situation. I was always too angry to do the whole "waiting" thing. Although in many ways, whether I like it or not, that is effectively what I have done so far.

 

Of course, it was me who made the conscious choice to move away & make life better for myself - the alternative was to go to jail for a long time as a result of the short term satisfaction of maiming & killing those men. However, even though I am effectively "leaving it to fate" at this time, I still feel & crave the revenge. I still hurt from the anger & bitterness at what was done. I burn deep down at the fact that the actions she & they did whilst she carried my child can never be undone.

 

My entire experience of becoming a father for the first time was completely ruined & there are no good memories of it at all except for the text message she sent me to say he had been born 8 hours before, during which time his picture was all over Facebook so technically I was last to know (one of many more "minor" aspects that contribute to my hatred). And another good memory is meeting my son 6 weeks after he was born (during which time she got him baptised without me...another quite major aspect I hate her for).

 

Last week I asked her again if she would put my name on my child's birth certificate. No. She has never even considered it & it is one thing that could maybe help towards softening my hate for her. However she won't agree & instead says I can wait until my child is 16 then if he wants to do it then it'll be up to him. But I refuse to wait that long, & if it does turn out that it goes on that long, then that is one massive factor in solidifying my hatred of her forever & ensuring it remains fresh & ongoing.

 

If anyone has done or ever will be playing step-dad to my child... Well as I have been so screwed over by her & all of this, then I absolutely refuse to be friends or nice to them. How can I just allow all of that to just slide so that they can be happy ever after?

 

I find it difficult to let all of these things go. I refuse to accept any of this.

[SoulCat]

I would not let a man filled with so much hatred near my child either. It's seriously unhealthy.

It's not exactly the safe, drama-free and nurturing environment a child needs.

 

Have you considered talking to a counselor (at Relate, or a private one) to help you deal with your anger issues?

[Satu]

Hate is pathology.

 

Mentally and emotionally healthy people don't hate anyone.

 

You should get some help with this.

[SammySammy]

So much wasted emotion. So much wasted time and energy.

 

One of the things I've learned about relationships is that our language describing it is screwed up. The concept of "my" - my wife, my boyfriend, my spouse, my partner - suggests ownership. Suggests that if something is done to them - especially sexually - it is done to me.

 

The truth of the matter is a person you're in a relationship with is a whole and complete being who is merely sharing an experience with you. We don't own their body and we're not responsible for what they decide to do with it. Nor should we suffer if they make a decision we disagree with. Whether it's alcohol, drugs, sex or something else, their decision is just that ... their decision.

 

Men, we need to realize what a woman decides to do with her body apart from us is merely a choice she made. Nothing more. A choice she has a right to make because it's her body, not ours.

 

So, why suffer when we have no real control over the choice or her body?

 

I've learned to separate myself physically and mentally from people and situations that don't involve me.

 

To focus on what I can control - grounding, centering, building, supporting, uplifting and improving ... myself.

 

Making peace with myself and them. I've found that to be much more healthy - physically, mentally and spiritually - and a much better use of my time.

[Heatemyheart89]

Hi , 5 years is long enough now I think as hard as it is, you will have to forgive her for this. I think you need therapy to explore this hatred and to overcome it, you are very much hurting yourself. Take care.

[seany25]

I would not let a man filled with so much hatred near my child either. It's seriously unhealthy.

It's not exactly the safe, drama-free and nurturing environment a child needs.

 

Have you considered talking to a counselor (at Relate, or a private one) to help you deal with your anger issues?

 

Hate is pathology.

 

Mentally and emotionally healthy people don't hate anyone.

 

You should get some help with this.

 

None of this rubs off on my child. They don't see or know of any of this... I did used to threaten her that one day I will tell her child all about what she done, but obviously I know now that in hurting her in that way I would be hurting my child too. So it's unlikely I'll follow through with that one.

 

I don't have anger issues. I am a normal guy who was screwed over in the worst way possible to me. This was something I'd wanted my whole life (for a girl carrying my child not to be screwing around whilst she was pregnant with my child) & I got the opposite.

 

I know I don't own her. But that doesn't make it any easier. Plus the way in which she went about it was done in order to affect me as much as possible.

 

If you got screwed over in the worst way possible to you, and you hated the person for it, would you suddenly say "oh damn, clearly I am mentally & emotionally unstable"?

 

Unlikely. You're just a human being with feelings. If someone f*cks with those feelings then your natural reaction may be to get angry & hate the person/people. Doesn't mean you're insane.

 

I sought professional help once. I did counselling for 6 weeks almost 2 years ago. It didn't do anything... In fact I found it useless because all I done was talk about it, then left there feeling pissed because I'd just resurfaced & scrutinised everything again in detail. How the hell is that helpful?

 

I think CBT is something that would be worth a shot.

[seany25]

So much wasted emotion. So much wasted time and energy.

 

One of the things I've learned about relationships is that our language describing it is screwed up. The concept of "my" - my wife, my boyfriend, my spouse, my partner - suggests ownership. Suggests that if something is done to them - especially sexually - it is done to me.

 

The truth of the matter is a person you're in a relationship with is a whole and complete being who is merely sharing an experience with you. We don't own their body and we're not responsible for what they decide to do with it. Nor should we suffer if they make a decision we disagree with. Whether it's alcohol, drugs, sex or something else, their decision is just that ... their decision.

 

Men, we need to realize what a woman decides to do with her body apart from us is merely a choice she made. Nothing more. A choice she has a right to make because it's her body, not ours.

 

So, why suffer when we have no real control over the choice or her body?

 

I completely understand everything you're saying & it does make a lot of sense. I had no control over her choices. The choices she made were hers, her own decisions. That's fair enough however, I see those choices as a violation & insult to my unborn child. And she or they can never make it right. It is impossible to fix that...

 

I've learned to separate myself physically and mentally from people and situations that don't involve me.

 

...but then again, the reason I'm so angry & hurt is because this situation did involve me. Yes it's her body but inside that body was my unborn child. That makes it my business whether people agree with it or not. It's impossible for a real man not to be affected by the decisions she made.

 

To focus on what I can control - grounding, centering, building, supporting, uplifting and improving ... myself.

 

Making peace with myself and them. I've found that to be much more healthy - physically, mentally and spiritually - and a much better use of my time.

 

I've done a lot for myself as a result of all this. I've came a long way & made great things happen. The fact it all came from a place of pain makes it bittersweet but it is what it is, & here I am.

[seany25]

Hi , 5 years is long enough now I think as hard as it is, you will have to forgive her for this. I think you need therapy to explore this hatred and to overcome it, you are very much hurting yourself. Take care.

 

I know it's been hurting myself. Like I said it is not as bad as it used to be but it still lingers deep inside, & pops up now & again to remind me that it hasn't gone away.

 

I have been trying to forgive for 4 years. It's not so easy.

 

It is easy to say the words. It is easy to do affirmations. It is easy to meditate.

 

But if the body, mind & soul won't let it go, it's all for nothing.

 

What I mean is that no matter what I do. The memories are always going to have the power to bring the pain back to the surface.

[SoulCat]

None of this rubs off on my child. They don't see or know of any of this...

 

You think your child won't pick up on the seething hate you feel towards its mother?

 

 

Think again.

[TaraMaiden2]

I know it's been hurting myself. Like I said it is not as bad as it used to be but it still lingers deep inside, & pops up now & again to remind me that it hasn't gone away.

 

I have been trying to forgive for 4 years. It's not so easy.

 

It is easy to say the words. It is easy to do affirmations. It is easy to meditate.

 

But if the body, mind & soul won't let it go, it's all for nothing.

 

What I mean is that no matter what I do. The memories are always going to have the power to bring the pain back to the surface.

 

"The Past is over.

Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better Past."

 

Part of your anger is fuelled by retroactive re-enactment.

I would happily bet a pound to a pinch of Carolina Reaper chilli pepper that you go over and over stuff, again and again...

 

Letting go of anger, means letting go.

And before you respond with "Well that's easy for you to say" please believe me, I know.

Maybe not in the same situation, but trust me - I have known some decidedly life-changing deals in my life, involving the malice of other people I felt incapable or helpless in responding to.

I have been left high and dry, weakened and deflated, beaten and crushed by certain circumstances, so I do get it.

And as LivingWaterPlease so correctly states, it doesn't happen overnight.

But gradually, through will, determination and goodness to yourself, this CAN - and WILL - change.

There is a short lesson in Buddhism that states that being Angry and holding resentment, is like plunging your hand into hot embers to throw some at your 'enemy'. You always burn yourself first, and worse than you would your intended target.

 

I appreciate you have much to be angry about. But being angry diminishes your own personal 'power' and gives it away to the very people you are angry with.

If you insist on holding Anger within your heart, and nourishing and feeding it then you hold it in your heart with as much passion and intensity as if you loved it to the same degree.

 

As I said, you need to Let Go.

[seany25]

You think your child won't pick up on the seething hate you feel towards its mother?

 

 

Think again.

 

All I can do is try my best for this not to happen.

[seany25]

"The Past is over.

Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better Past."

 

Part of your anger is fuelled by retroactive re-enactment.

I would happily bet a pound to a pinch of Carolina Reaper chilli pepper that you go over and over stuff, again and again...

 

Recently yes, it's come back again. For a long time it was not as bad - I used to wake up a couple of years ago & it would burn inside me all day until I slept at night. The rage was always there.

 

So it has diminished a lot. But I just think it will always be in there somewhere.

 

Letting go of anger, means letting go.

And before you respond with "Well that's easy for you to say" please believe me, I know.

Maybe not in the same situation, but trust me - I have known some decidedly life-changing deals in my life, involving the malice of other people I felt incapable or helpless in responding to.

I have been left high and dry, weakened and deflated, beaten and crushed by certain circumstances, so I do get it.

And as LivingWaterPlease so correctly states, it doesn't happen overnight.

 

I'm sure you do know. And yes it doesn't happen overnight. I'm 5 years into this & it is still there.

 

But gradually, through will, determination and goodness to yourself, this CAN - and WILL - change.

There is a short lesson in Buddhism that states that being Angry and holding resentment, is like plunging your hand into hot embers to throw some at your 'enemy'. You always burn yourself first, and worse than you would your intended target.

 

Believe me I have read every quote on this topic that there is. I understand them, but my soul doesn't seem to.

 

I appreciate you have much to be angry about. But being angry diminishes your own personal 'power' and gives it away to the very people you are angry with.

If you insist on holding Anger within your heart, and nourishing and feeding it then you hold it in your heart with as much passion and intensity as if you loved it to the same degree.

 

I completely get that it is me who is feeding this etc. But if she hadn't done what she done, I would never have been feeling it in the first place. Yes, I know I'm stuck in blame mode. I'm also stuck in hate, resentment, jealousy, bitterness.

 

As crazy as it may sound, I think part of me doesn't want to let it go. I believe this would be the "not wanting to let them off the hook" bit.

 

As I said, you need to Let Go.

 

Sorry but, easier said than done haha.

[Rachel39]

Hate is a terrible emotion it eats away at you and we'll you never really move on you get stuck in this stage as you still feel hate after 5 years.

 

It's damaging yourself could you not try to express your anger in another way of maybe try some cbt. all anger is an emotion the opposite of love if you could find some way to remove it.... You will set yourself free.

 

Iv had some pretty terrible things happen which I could really hate people for but I chose to let go of all the anger and rage it was a process that I went through on my own and looked at the reasons why it happened and then did some therapy which was online

[TaraMaiden2]

You don't 'let go' to 'let them off the hook'.

 

You Let go - to let YOURSELF off the hook.

 

Ok, so 5 years down the line, here you are still burning with rage, hate and resentment.

 

Now look 5 years ahead.

 

You still want to be in 'this place'...?

 

That's 10 years of your life down the drain that you'll never get back.

 

As I tried to say, she did what she did all that time ago. You can play the blame-game all you want, but she's no longer in the picture.

 

You've posted.

 

Tell us precisely what it is that you actually want, here....?

[seany25]

Hate is a terrible emotion it eats away at you and we'll you never really move on you get stuck in this stage as you still feel hate after 5 years.

 

Agreed it's horrible as we all know. And yes I'm clearly still stuck, albeit not as "burning" as I used to be.

 

It's damaging yourself could you not try to express your anger in another way of maybe try some cbt. all anger is an emotion the opposite of love if you could find some way to remove it.... You will set yourself free.

 

Trust me I have done many things with my pain..

 

I moved 50 miles away to begin the journey, literally. I got my cool apartment in a cool place in the city. I have 2 great careers, one of which is a child counsellor (which is most important to me). I started doing a degree in psychology 3 years ago. I am always self-improving, like I joined the gym again recently too.

 

I could have ended up in jail but I decided to take a different form of drastic action & change my life around instead.

 

It's just that the memories of where all these good things came from, a place of pain. Which makes it bittersweet.

 

Something big that is missing though, is a special lady in my life. I think that would help a lot. Although not in a reliant way, but someone I can enjoy treating with love etc.

 

Iv had some pretty terrible things happen which I could really hate people for but I chose to let go of all the anger and rage it was a process that I went through on my own and looked at the reasons why it happened and then did some therapy which was online

 

I've just started EFT tapping again literally there now. I'm going to do it every day. I remember feeling it helped me a couple of years ago.

[seany25]

You don't 'let go' to 'let them off the hook'.

 

You Let go - to let YOURSELF off the hook.

 

I understand this. I've read it many, many times.

 

Ok, so 5 years down the line, here you are still burning with rage, hate and resentment.

 

Now look 5 years ahead.

 

You still want to be in 'this place'...?

 

That's 10 years of your life down the drain that you'll never get back.

 

No in 5 years I don't want to be in this place. I want to be truly happy & with a lady who makes me 10 times happier than the ex ever could. And with a lady 5 times more attractive.

 

As I tried to say, she did what she did all that time ago. You can play the blame-game all you want, but she's no longer in the picture.

 

She's in the picture minimally as my child's mother. I still have to cross paths with her from time to time.

 

You've posted.

 

Tell us precisely what it is that you actually want, here....?

 

That's a good question ?

 

I've just been regurgitating my feelings about what she done & not really considering what I want now.

 

I think I haven't thought about that because the things she did are "undoable" & can never be rectified. Nor can I get the time back with my child, or the moments I missed & was denied.

 

I'd like it if she fully acknowledged that she was wrong & accepted that I have been right to be so annoyed with all this. I know it won't change it but it would be a start.

 

I'd like my name to be on my child's birth certificate. She has denied me this & said it will not be happening. This is something that will contribute to the hatred continuing, as this effectively continues to throw coal on the fire & always will until I get my name on there. Again this is one of "her decisions" & this cycle continues.

 

I don't want my son answering to another man in a step-dad role. As I got so screwed over against my will & without good reason or justification, I refuse to see another man making decisions regarding my child, or anything like that.

 

I'd like my son to meet my father, his other grandfather, who he has never met once since he was born 4 & a half years ago. (Can you see how there are factors that make it extremely difficult to "let it go"?).

 

Call me stubborn but.... Except no, I'm not.

[Satu]

When things aren't the way you want them to be you just have to find such peace as you can.

 

Focus on what is healthy and wholesome in your life, rather than what irks you.

 

This is better for your child.

 

You can only share happiness with your son if you have some to share.

Edited March 22, 2016 by Satu

[TaraMaiden2]

That's a good question ?

 

I've just been regurgitating my feelings about what she done & not really considering what I want now.

 

I think I haven't thought about that because the things she did are "undoable" & can never be rectified. Nor can I get the time back with my child, or the moments I missed & was denied.

 

I'd like it if she fully acknowledged that she was wrong & accepted that I have been right to be so annoyed with all this. I know it won't change it but it would be a start.

 

I'd like my name to be on my child's birth certificate. She has denied me this & said it will not be happening. This is something that will contribute to the hatred continuing, as this effectively continues to throw coal on the fire & always will until I get my name on there. Again this is one of "her decisions" & this cycle continues.

 

I don't want my son answering to another man in a step-dad role. As I got so screwed over against my will & without good reason or justification, I refuse to see another man making decisions regarding my child, or anything like that.

 

I'd like my son to meet my father, his other grandfather, who he has never met once since he was born 4 & a half years ago. (Can you see how there are factors that make it extremely difficult to "let it go"?).

 

Call me stubborn but.... Except no, I'm not.

 

The bit in bold is what counts.

That - is what this is all about.

 

You want an apology.

You seek remorse.

If only she would seek some kind of forgiveness for her behaviour.

If only she would just once say she's sorry.

If only she would once show even a grain of regret.

If only, if only, if only.

 

If.

Biggest word in the universe.

Truly colossal.

A behemoth in any sense.

 

Kipling wrote the UK's favourite poem on that one little word, 'If'.

The Spartans knocked the stuffing out of the Macedonian threat with the use of that one-word reply.

 

"IF".

The above quote is possibly one of the single greatest uses of language ever recorded. Around 350 BC, King Philip II of Macedon started invading the crap out of Greece. After he had several key footholds under his command, Philip decided to start putting pressure on Sparta, and sent them the following threatening message: “If I win this war, you will be slaves forever.”

 

The Spartan’s sent back a single word in reply: “if”.

 

Your entire emotional input in this thread, hangs on those two words.

IF. ONLY.

 

There is a very effective psychological 'remedy' to this yearning for this apology.

You take a good female friend, sit her down in front of you, facing you, and you ask her to personify your ex.

You ask her to apologise, and she says, "I'm so sorry".

She says this after you list each and every single pain, injury and hurt you have been dealt by your ex.

After each one, she says: "I am so sorry".

 

She will be playing a part, but you must believe it.

And you must play your part.

 

As Jonathan Lockwood Huie so eloquently puts it:

 

"Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace."

 

It's a poor substitute. But it's a ritual that cannot be either taken, or done lightly, and it actually works.

[seany25]

When things aren't the way you want them to be you just have to find such peace as you can.

 

Focus on what is healthy and wholesome in your life, rather than what irks you.

 

I try to focus on all the good things in my life. But right now & recently I've been dwelling on my hatred for her & the things she done & continues to do.

 

Even if I could move on, there is the things now & in the future that are out of my control that will keep the flames alive. Like the birth certificate that she absolutely refuses to add my name to - that is something I will be angry about forever until I get my name on it. And even then I'll probably stay angry that she made me wait so long.

 

Any guy being a step father too. That's another thing I refuse to accept due to the harsh experiences I've been forced to endure. I refuse to accept another man having a say in my child's life.

 

This is better for your child.

 

You can only share happiness with your son if you have some to share.

 

I will always be happy with my child.

 

But I'm seething with hate for his mother.

 

It dark. It's a very dark cloud I can not shake.

[seany25]

That - is what this is all about.

 

You want an apology.

You seek remorse.

If only she would seek some kind of forgiveness for her behaviour.

If only she would just once say she's sorry.

If only she would once show even a grain of regret.

If only, if only, if only.

 

If.

Biggest word in the universe.

Truly colossal.

A behemoth in any sense.

 

Even if she did apologise for all of it. I feel it is too far gone now for it to have any effect. I imagine it could possibly help but I'll never know.

 

The damage is done long ago. For example, an apology for screwing around whilst pregnant with my child will never make it go away. Nothing can ever fix it.

 

 

 

Your entire emotional input in this thread, hangs on those two words.

IF. ONLY.

 

There is a very effective psychological 'remedy' to this yearning for this apology.

You take a good female friend, sit her down in front of you, facing you, and you ask her to personify your ex.

You ask her to apologise, and she says, "I'm so sorry".

She says this after you list each and every single pain, injury and hurt you have been dealt by your ex.

After each one, she says: "I am so sorry".

 

She will be playing a part, but you must believe it.

And you must play your part.

 

If I ever do CBT I wonder would the therapist be willing to play the part?

 

"Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace."

 

It's a poor substitute. But it's a ritual that cannot be either taken, or done lightly, and it actually works.

 

That's one thing. But what about the current & future stuff that I do not agree with such as a step father etc that I have no control over?

 

I feel that no matter how much progress I make. Something always drags me back to those feelings of hate. All the hurt resurfaces.

[PinkElephants]

I'd like it if she fully acknowledged that she was wrong & accepted that I have been right to be so annoyed with all this. I know it won't change it but it would be a start.

Why is having control and being right so important to you? Everything you're angry about stems from a lack of being able to control her.

 

You're angry that:

You had no control over her having sex while pregnant

Your unborn child->your seed->you should have had control over her body and sexual practices

You had no control over the men she had sex with

You had no control over her including/excluding you from the pregnancy

You have no control over the birth certificate

You have no control over who she dates

You have no control over other men spending time with your child

You have no control over who she marries

 

You refuse to accept situations that you can't control but why do you feel the right to control them in the first place? You don't have that right.

 

But what about the current & future stuff that I do not agree with such as a step father etc that I have no control over?

You accept that you have no control.

 

If you got screwed over in the worst way possible to you, and you hated the person for it, would you suddenly say "oh damn, clearly I am mentally & emotionally unstable"?

 

Unlikely. You're just a human being with feelings. If someone f*cks with those feelings then your natural reaction may be to get angry & hate the person/people. Doesn't mean you're insane.

I've been screwed over before and I suddenly said "this is dumb. I'm not going to waste more time on a guy who clearly isn't what I want." I was angry for a while and then got over it because hating him only hurts me, not him.

 

Similarly, continuing to hate your ex and her men doesn't keep them on the hook or punish them. They don't care. They're happy. YOU are the one pulsing with poison; only you. Doesn't it get lonely?

 

I think I haven't thought about that because the things she did are "undoable" & can never be rectified. Nor can I get the time back with my child, or the moments I missed & was denied.

You acknowledge that she can never make it right so what can you possibly accomplish by continuing to spew vitriol and violence? To continue being so bitter by choice is insane. You could choose forgiveness and pursue a path in which you're a guy that she wants to include instead of being an angry, scary guy that gets left out.

 

Is it possible for me to be free from the burden of hatred & bitterness?

Yes, through acceptance. You can't change the past no matter how much you want to so accept it and move on. You can't control who she dates, marries or has sex with so accept it and get along with them. Your adamant refusal to accept that circumstances aren't in your control is what fuels your hatred and it will continue to be fueled as long as you keep deluding yourself.

 

Much of this seems to revolve around your ego. You said that it was a violation of your pride to have sex while pregnant. To violate means you had rights that she disrespected. You don't have the right to her body so she crossed imaginary rights that you alone thought you had. You're emasculated. Your voice was weakened or ignored, your desires discarded, your role as a man and father denied, you feel you're not being given your due and the empty threat of violence is an impotent attempt to regain your manhood.

 

Your wounded pride is a personal problem and not hers to fix so stop expecting her to.

[seany25]

Ok, so I think the only possible way through this for me, is acceptance.

 

Not, accepting that what happened is ok or accepting situations I can't control. But accepting that things did not happen the way I wanted them to. Things happened that hurt me badly, things I do not agree with & will never agree with. There are current things (birth certificate) & future things (marriage/step dad) that will be out of my control & I can not do anything about. I do not have to be their friends in fact I would prefer as minimal interactions with her or anyone in her life as possible.

 

She did what she did & I will never forget that. Screwing around when pregnant - the reason this hurts so much is not only for the reasons I said, but I always believed & wished that whenever I was going to become a father that the woman carrying my child would not be sleeping with another man whilst pregnant. It did not happen the way I wished, so the acceptance has to be based on not always getting what we want.

 

I do not have to be her friend, I can just try my best to accept that he actions were out of my control & she or I or anyone, can never change that.

 

I will try my best to never bring it up again. Instead absolutely ignoring her as much as possible. There will never be no jolly happy occasions where we are all breaking bread or having barbecues pretending nothing happened. If there is something important regarding my child that she excludes me from or worse makes the decision with another man, I will try not to get angry & will just give her the cold shoulder. My silence will speak for itself.

 

In fact the only way I will be able to do this is by giving her the cold shoulder finitely. There will be communication between us about our child but that's all.

 

What I have to do is completely ignore her existence & focus on my own life (& my childs).

 

Accept the disappointment. That's my goal. That's all I can do.

[seany25]

Hi there,

 

I just wanted to say how things are now.

 

Since back then things are much better (in regards to my mindset). Myself and my boy have a good relationship and see each other at least every 2 weeks.

 

But some things still get to me. Obviously deep down I'll never forget what she did when she was pregnant etc, but the other day I asked her agin to put my name on my child's birth certificate. The answer was the same as it's always been "NO, I have full say over him until he's 16 and your name will not be going on the birth certificate"

 

This of course, is not something that makes me happy. And only serves to remind me of the awful things she did.

 

On top of this she has introduced my son to her new boyfriend (apparently the first boyfriend she's introduced to him but this is not true as she had a man sleeping in the same bed a with her and my son when he was a baby, which was/is one of the things that enraged me). She said she would not have introduced him unless he was a decent guy and it was serious.

 

Of course, who she sees is none of my business, but who's in my boy's life, is.

 

The thing is I'm feeling a little uncooperative or something - as I've said in previous posts on this thread things like "I would not want to be friends or civil to a step dad in my child's life playing daddy"

 

Well that time has come apparently. What it is is this - because of what she did to me, covered in the original post on this thread, I don't feel like I will be truly cooperative or embracing of a step-dad, if ever, in response to what she did. I feel like I want to punish her by not letting her forget it, and not being accepting of her boyfriend.

 

Any opinions or suggestions or experiences are welcome.

 

Aside from that. Life is great and to be truly honest, all the amazing things I have in my life now in my career and more, are a direct result of what she did, because I utilised that pain and turned my life around. It's bittersweet because it came from such hurt, but here I am.