5 years later...still filled with hate

[minimariah]

Any opinions or suggestions or experiences are welcome.

 

take her to the court -- start from the scratch. find a GOOD lawyer who specializes in family law & has experience with cases like yours. file for your name to be on the child's BC & start from there --- file for regular visitation & move from there... to 50:50; that is IF you want to be FULLY involved in your child's life. you DO have control & rights and she cannot treat the child as her own possession- take legal action AS SOON AS YOU CAN.

[seany25]

Hey guys, I'm back,

 

Not so much with a problem, just a kind of update on where I'm at..

 

Nowadays I can basically see my boy whenever I want (which obviously wasn't always the case), so this isn't a problem.

 

Basically something happened the other day that was a very first... As I was dropping my boy off at her house, she arrived back home with her boyfriend, who lives with them.

 

I already knew he lived with them for at least the last few months, so it wasn't a surprise, but I had never met him (they dated last year and finished but now are back together again).

 

Thing is, I didn't really want to meet him either, as I have always felt that I don't want to play happy-chappy and pretend I like anyone she is ever with, due to all the grievances from the past. Some of the stuff she done is just irreversible and I can't allow that to be buried.

 

All we did was say hello to each other as he got out of the car. I purposely didn't go up to shake his hand as I brought my son over his coat. Why should I be the one to do that?

 

I did actually have an issue with him even though we've never met - last year after they had broke up, I asked my son did he ever hit him,and my son said he only shouted at him. I don't know whether this was a once-off or multiple times.

 

Now, I don't even shout at my boy, so another man thinking he can shout at my boy has already crossed a line in my book. Maybe I was looking a reason not to like him, I don't know, but the bottom line is i'll hold it against him.

 

I'm not the person i used to be. I'm not that p****d off, furious guy anymore. I work for a good company. I'm starting my own business soon. I play around with hot ladies of varying ages. Life has literally never been better. However..

 

Some small part of me still won't let go of what my ex done to me 7 years ago. And for that, I will never truly accept anyone playing daddy to my boy. And although subtle, it is not hidden...she knows, and he knows.

[Marc878]

You have your time. Make it count. You have zero control over her time.

 

Stay completely detached. That's an action. Words have zero affect.

[seany25]

You have your time. Make it count. You have zero control over her time.

 

Stay completely detached. That's an action. Words have zero affect.

 

I actually pretty much do stay completely detached. I never used to years ago when I was burning with rage, but now when I'm going about my daily life I just completely forget about her.

 

I think that, as much as she'd probably like it if I was to be more friendly and open with her and her live-in partner, i'm not going to give her that for one main reason..

 

For a very long time she excluded me, including all the things she done whilst pregnant etc. So, despite things having changed a lot over the years, I'm going to remain as non-existent in her life as possible. You excluded me? Ok, I'll stay that way, and I'll be as cold to you as I possibly can, in return for how cold you were to me.

[Marc878]

Detachment is for you. Not her.

 

It keeps you clear of this mess.

 

Keep it up

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Carrying around this much hate, anger and bitterness isn’t affecting her at all. It’s affecting you and also will affect your child. It’s like drinking poison and expecting your ex to die. To want to commit murder or castrations is very serious rage. The only way to set yourself free and live a happy life is therapy. Don’t delay, please start as soon as possible.

[BaileyB]

I can most certainly understand why you would be very angry with the situation. And, I most certainly respect the things you have done to build a better life for yourself, and your child.

 

At one time in my life, I held a lot of hate and resentment for someone. This quote helped me to realize that letting go and moving on was important - for my own mental health. "Holding resentment against another person is like drinking poison, and expecting the other person to die." In other words, the only person being hurt when you hold onto this hate and resentment, is you. And, perhaps your child.

 

It must be terribly hard, and I know it will take time. But, you must continue to work to let go of these feelings... For your own best interest, and for your child.

[BaileyB]

Carrying around this much hate, anger and bitterness isn’t affecting her at all. It’s affecting you and also will affect your child. It’s like drinking poison and expecting your ex to die. To want to commit murder or castrations is very serious rage. The only way to set yourself free and live a happy life is therapy. Don’t delay, please start as soon as possible.

 

Lol. Great minds think alike... I hadnt read your post when I submitted my reply

[seany25]

Carrying around this much hate, anger and bitterness isn’t affecting her at all. It’s affecting you and also will affect your child. It’s like drinking poison and expecting your ex to die. To want to commit murder or castrations is very serious rage. The only way to set yourself free and live a happy life is therapy. Don’t delay, please start as soon as possible.

 

I don't carry it around any more. Not to the level I did 4 years ago.

 

If the woman carrying your child screwed around whilst she carried your child, and you didn't want to castrate the men, you wouldn't be a real man with real feelings. To me there was nothing more obscene than that.

 

The bad memory is never going to go away regardless of how much therapy a person could ever do.

[seany25]

I can most certainly understand why you would be very angry with the situation. And, I most certainly respect the things you have done to build a better life for yourself, and your child.

 

At one time in my life, I held a lot of hate and resentment for someone. This quote helped me to realize that letting go and moving on was important - for my own mental health. "Holding resentment against another person is like drinking poison, and expecting the other person to die." In other words, the only person being hurt when you hold onto this hate and resentment, is you. And, perhaps your child.

 

It must be terribly hard, and I know it will take time. But, you must continue to work to let go of these feelings... For your own best interest, and for your child.

 

Thank you for your understanding. All I can do is keep on building the life I've created as a result of this pain.

 

But deep down it will never go away. And for that, I'll never be truly accepting of any man in her life.

 

Also, deep down I will always crave revenge on the men she had sex with whilst she carried my child. There will never be forgiveness for her or them. And perhaps even one day, even far into the future, I'll have my revenge.

[seany25]

It has become apparent that my ex is pregnant. It was my mum who told me, so I'm probably not supposed to know. It was a very minor shock at the time, but no more. I don't really care if she's pregnant, the only thing that has the potential to bother me is that it may in some way alter the dynamic at some point in the future as to me seeing my child.

 

I had my own child's entrance into the world taken from me, which means none of this can touch me. My child will have a brother or a sister and I'm happy for him, but as for my ex and the fella, I'm completely indifferent. What I'm trying to say here is that I'll find it very difficult to congratulate them or "be happy" for them. Why should I be so, or even pretend to be, after the nightmare that was my experience of having a child with her? Ultimately I'll always feel the same way - with deep contempt for her about what I went through.

 

I guess they may get married some day and be all happy families etc, but I won't care because I'll be a rich bachelor seeing lots of hot young ladies. The funny thing is, she'll likely be ironically regretful that I made all of it happen as a result of the pain I experienced at her hands.

[seany25]

Today I spoke with my 7 year old son on the phone. I hadn't spoke to him since a month ago, which was on his birthday.

 

During our chat he told me he was going to be a big brother. I told him I was delighted for him and asked him questions about it like did he want a brother or sister and was he excited etc. He was and is looking forward to it, which will be in about 5 and a half months.

 

After our call I text his mum simply saying "congratulations" and with the little baby emoji. For a couple of minutes I was actually slightly reluctant of doing this, but I done it anyway.

 

She text back saying thanks and I asked when my boy was going to be a big brother. She told me the date, and also said she was very scared but that hopefully all would work out.

 

I just replied "you did it before you'll be ok" .... and there was no reply. If she felt coldness from it, well she, more than anyone, knows why.

 

I could have asked her why she was scared. I could have engaged her as to how it's going or what her concerns are. I didn't though, and it was because of what I experienced when she was pregnant with MY child. I got no consideration, so because of that I'm going to return none. Just because of the fact she's now pregnant to another person means nothing to me, I'm still indifferent.

 

Obviously there are now going to be future things that will affect my life such as my son potentially having a step-dad if she ever gets married. And even if she doesn't, he's already playing that role anyway. I don't care how petty it makes me sound I'll never be happy with any such arrangement, since I got well and truly screwed.

 

My intentions of continuing to be cold and indifferent to her even though she's pregnant, would anyone approach this differently, or just do what I'm doing?

[Marc878]

Today I spoke with my 7 year old son on the phone. I hadn't spoke to him since a month ago, which was on his birthday.

 

Do you not have any visitation rights? A month is a long time.

 

During our chat he told me he was going to be a big brother. I told him I was delighted for him and asked him questions about it like did he want a brother or sister and was he excited etc. He was and is looking forward to it, which will be in about 5 and a half months.

 

After our call I text his mum simply saying "congratulations" and with the little baby emoji. For a couple of minutes I was actually slightly reluctant of doing this, but I done it anyway.

 

Needless contact. It's none of your concern.

 

She text back saying thanks and I asked when my boy was going to be a big brother. She told me the date, and also said she was very scared but that hopefully all would work out.

 

I just replied "you did it before you'll be ok" .... and there was no reply. If she felt coldness from it, well she, more than anyone, knows why.

 

Coldness from you. Nope. You noticed you didn't get a reply did you?

 

I could have asked her why she was scared. I could have engaged her as to how it's going or what her concerns are. I didn't though, and it was because of what I experienced when she was pregnant with MY child. I got no consideration, so because of that I'm going to return none. Just because of the fact she's now pregnant to another person means nothing to me, I'm still indifferent.

 

Then why contact her other than speaking with your son?

 

Obviously there are now going to be future things that will affect my life such as my son potentially having a step-dad if she ever gets married. And even if she doesn't, he's already playing that role anyway. I don't care how petty it makes me sound I'll never be happy with any such arrangement, since I got well and truly screwed.

 

My intentions of continuing to be cold and indifferent to her even though she's pregnant, would anyone approach this differently, or just do what I'm doing?

 

 

You didn't sound cold or indifferent. It appears you are trying to reestablish contact? Why?

 

You should have moved on long ago but it doesn't look like you have.

[Marc878]

It has become apparent that my ex is pregnant. It was my mum who told me, so I'm probably not supposed to know. It was a very minor shock at the time, but no more. I don't really care if she's pregnant, the only thing that has the potential to bother me is that it may in some way alter the dynamic at some point in the future as to me seeing my child.

 

I had my own child's entrance into the world taken from me, which means none of this can touch me. My child will have a brother or a sister and I'm happy for him, but as for my ex and the fella, I'm completely indifferent. What I'm trying to say here is that I'll find it very difficult to congratulate them or "be happy" for them. Why should I be so, or even pretend to be, after the nightmare that was my experience of having a child with her? Ultimately I'll always feel the same way - with deep contempt for her about what I went through.

 

I guess they may get married some day and be all happy families etc, but I won't care because I'll be a rich bachelor seeing lots of hot young ladies. The funny thing is, she'll likely be ironically regretful that I made all of it happen as a result of the pain I experienced at her hands.

 

You are still giving her plenty of your head space after so long a time. Why?

 

You'll never have a life of your own doing this. I doubt after all this time she even gives you a second thought.

 

You should seek some IC help

[ExpatInItaly]

Today I spoke with my 7 year old son on the phone. I hadn't spoke to him since a month ago, which was on his birthday.

Why is that, OP?

 

She text back saying thanks and I asked when my boy was going to be a big brother. She told me the date, and also said she was very scared but that hopefully all would work out.

 

I just replied "you did it before you'll be ok" .... and there was no reply. If she felt coldness from it, well she, more than anyone, knows why.

I don't think she really cares what your reply was, to be honest. Her mind is elsewhere and there is nothing more for her to reply to.

 

My intentions of continuing to be cold and indifferent to her even though she's pregnant, would anyone approach this differently, or just do what I'm doing?

The only person this is going to make any difference to is you, man. Again, how you feel about her or this pregnancy isn't of any significant concern to her. So, be cold and indifferent if you want but remember that she probably won't really even notice.

 

I don't think anyone expects you to be doing back-flips of happiness for her or arranging the baby shower, to be clear. You don't have to be pals with her or her partner. Be civil when you interact with them in front of your son, and support your son if he's excited about being a big brother. That's the extent to which you need to react at all. Anything else is pointless.

[seany25]

It was a month from I saw or spoke with him because at the minute I have a transport issue going on. That's the only reason. I don't visitation or legalities or any of that malarkey. It used to be bad where she wouldn't let me see him, but now it's not like that. I decided not to drag my backside through court.

 

You didn't sound cold or indifferent. It appears you are trying to reestablish contact? Why?

 

I don't need needless contact and that's exactly how I prefer it. I'm remaining indifferent an distant from anything to do with her.

 

You should have moved on long ago but it doesn't look like you have.

 

I have certainly moved on. I know I'm probably quite stubborn in terms of me holding stuff against her, but the fact is she did things that are irreparable so for that reason I won't let those things go.

 

I can be civil, but no more.

 

I'm literally in the process of taking a further leap in that I'm about to go live with my online business.

 

I'm already a bachelor, and I intend to be forever. I just can't wait to be a wealthy one. I'm doing it for me, but I want her to know and realise I became so as a result of her doings, and that will be bittersweet for her, I hope.

[seany25]

The only person this is going to make any difference to is you, man. Again, how you feel about her or this pregnancy isn't of any significant concern to her. So, be cold and indifferent if you want but remember that she probably won't really even notice.

 

I don't think anyone expects you to be doing back-flips of happiness for her or arranging the baby shower, to be clear. You don't have to be pals with her or her partner. Be civil when you interact with them in front of your son, and support your son if he's excited about being a big brother. That's the extent to which you need to react at all. Anything else is pointless.

 

Covered in my last post, I'm continuing building my awesome, exciting life and she can have her boring one.

 

I'm glad I'm not with her because I have so much animosity for the things she done.

[Marc878]

Covered in my last post, I'm continuing building my awesome, exciting life and she can have her boring one.

 

I'm glad I'm not with her because I have so much animosity for the things she done.

 

Your post says she's still in your head. 5 years later.

[ExpatInItaly]

It was a month from I saw or spoke with him because at the minute I have a transport issue going on. That's the only reason. I don't visitation or legalities or any of that malarkey. It used to be bad where she wouldn't let me see him, but now it's not like that. I decided not to drag my backside through court.

 

I don’t see how transport issues prevent you from even speaking to your son, OP. You don’t need a car to pick up the phone and call him.

 

You have yourself in a knot over the possibility of him having a stepdad someday, and yet you go a month without talking to him. What is that about?

[AShatteredHeart]

Today I spoke with my 7 year old son on the phone. I hadn't spoke to him since a month ago, which was on his birthday.

 

During our chat he told me he was going to be a big brother. I told him I was delighted for him and asked him questions about it like did he want a brother or sister and was he excited etc. He was and is looking forward to it, which will be in about 5 and a half months.

 

After our call I text his mum simply saying "congratulations" and with the little baby emoji. For a couple of minutes I was actually slightly reluctant of doing this, but I done it anyway.

 

She text back saying thanks and I asked when my boy was going to be a big brother. She told me the date, and also said she was very scared but that hopefully all would work out.

 

I just replied "you did it before you'll be ok" .... and there was no reply. If she felt coldness from it, well she, more than anyone, knows why.

 

I could have asked her why she was scared. I could have engaged her as to how it's going or what her concerns are. I didn't though, and it was because of what I experienced when she was pregnant with MY child. I got no consideration, so because of that I'm going to return none. Just because of the fact she's now pregnant to another person means nothing to me, I'm still indifferent.

 

Obviously there are now going to be future things that will affect my life such as my son potentially having a step-dad if she ever gets married. And even if she doesn't, he's already playing that role anyway. I don't care how petty it makes me sound I'll never be happy with any such arrangement, since I got well and truly screwed.

 

My intentions of continuing to be cold and indifferent to her even though she's pregnant, would anyone approach this differently, or just do what I'm doing?

 

May I ask how old you are seany? You seems a good man and good father and you love your boy very much

 

I think you have been obsessing over your ex because you loved her and she left you, you got hurt but adding to that was she carried your child and did not let you included and had sex with another man while she carried your child. You got jealous, angry, hurt and wanted to make her or the man she was with felt what you felt at that time or even now.

 

I understand how you feel, sometimes there are things that we can forgive and forget, but there are things that are very hard to forgive and even forget.

 

You have lived your life for you and your child which is a great achievement, and keep on doing that. Is there anyway that someday you and your ex sit down and you can tell her all the things that have been on your minds and hope that she can apologize to you in order to make peace?

[seany25]

Your post says she's still in your head. 5 years later.

 

It's actually 7 years now. Whether it's 5/7/10 years, the reference is to what she did when she was pregnant with my child.

 

I can get past most of the stuff she did back then, there is a whole list of stuff, but I can't ever get past her having sex with other men whilst pregnant with my child. That is just so obscenely traumatic for me that I simply could never forgive or forget that no matter what she did to try and make it up to me. Not that she has, but no apology could ever make me feel any different about her and any of the men involved. The damage is done and her actions are irreversible.

 

This ill feeling carries on to her current and future life, as in, her new fella that she's pregnant to. I was given such a hard time when she was having MY child and I got screwed over so badly that there is just no possible way I could be genuinely happy for them or give it my blessing. I'm not even willing to try.

 

As said before, if I did what I wanted to do 5 years ago I'd land myself in prison. So for now and the everlasting future, I'll remain as cold and indifferent to her/them as humanly possible.

 

I know she would very much appreciate me being friends with them, and me being a lot more open to that kind of relationship, but it ain't happening, and she knows my attitude and true feelings about her, are down to what she did to me.

[seany25]

I don’t see how transport issues prevent you from even speaking to your son, OP. You don’t need a car to pick up the phone and call him.

 

You have yourself in a knot over the possibility of him having a stepdad someday, and yet you go a month without talking to him. What is that about?

 

It's really the result of me having been accustomed to not seeing/talking to him ever since he was born. At the very beginning she let me see him very little, and those lengthy periods of time just made me used to it.

 

You're right though, I'll change that from here on. I'll call him at least weekly to see how he got on at school etc, until of course my transport situation is rectified.

[Marc878]

She is who she is. Not worth your head space.

 

If you let her go (thoughts around this issue) and concentrate on you and your so you will free yourself in the process.

 

Your posts 7 years later are still about her and whet she's done.

 

Let it go.

[seany25]

May I ask how old you are seany? You seems a good man and good father and you love your boy very much

 

I'm currently 33, this all happened when I was 26

 

And thank you, I do

 

I think you have been obsessing over your ex because you loved her and she left you, you got hurt but adding to that was she carried your child and did not let you included and had sex with another man while she carried your child. You got jealous, angry, hurt and wanted to make her or the man she was with felt what you felt at that time or even now.

 

I understand how you feel, sometimes there are things that we can forgive and forget, but there are things that are very hard to forgive and even forget.

 

You have lived your life for you and your child which is a great achievement, and keep on doing that. Is there anyway that someday you and your ex sit down and you can tell her all the things that have been on your minds and hope that she can apologize to you in order to make peace?

 

It was only a very short whirlwind romance but yes I did love her and she hurt me more than anything could have possibly hurt me.

 

Yes in the immediate years after I was very angry to the point that the hate burned my soul from morning to night. That's not there anymore but deep down I still crave that revenge I wanted back then.

 

I'm afraid that, no there is no way for us to sit down and talk about everything that she did to hurt me. She knows it all anyway, because I have listed it to her many, many times. But when I say there is no way for us to sit down and get it all out in the open and over with, I'm saying that even if we did sit down, there is no way to fix this. There is nothing she can do or say to make it better, or for it to go away, or for the things she did to be undone (primarily, sex whilst pregnant with my child). I am unable to absolve her for what she did.

 

So, she will just have to accept that the father of her first child hates her, and always will.

[seany25]

She is who she is. Not worth your head space.

 

If you let her go (thoughts around this issue) and concentrate on you and your so you will free yourself in the process.

 

Your posts 7 years later are still about her and whet she's done.

 

Let it go.

 

Yes I know, but what she done affected me so much that I don't want to absolve her. She needs to remain aware that her actions aren't and never will be forgotten about, and as such will be forever present in my dealings with her.

 

It's easy to say "let it go" believe me I've said that ten thousand times, and listened to that song on repeat a million times. But it's one thing saying it, and your mind, body and soul actually allowing the feelings to dissipate. Saying the words just doesn't magically take them away, or undo what she did.