5 years later...still filled with hate

[Beachead]

So my ex, the mother of my 7 year old, had her new baby with her boyfriend 2 days ago. Meaning my son now has a baby brother.

 

My sister, who she talks to from time to time, saw the pictures on Facebook and let me know about it. It's ironic because my own child's pictures were all over Facebook 10 hours before I even knew I was a father. Although obviously this isn't my child so therefore their picture on Facebook means nothing to me.

 

I don't really know how I feel. I think I literally feel nothing at all. I mean, I'm happy for my son now being a big brother, but that's about it. Aside from that I'm completely emotionless about it all, even the possibility of future dynamics changing in ways I don't and won't agree with.

 

I haven't texted her to acknowledge that I know or to say congratulations. I don't know if I should do so, or even if I really want to.

 

Any thoughts on what I should do?

 

@Seany25

 

You want her to go to hell, so what's the point of wishing her a congratulations? It'd only be insincere. Therefore, if I were you, I'd say nothing.

 

Regarding your child, it's out of my scope but I'll say my peace and perhaps something might stick. Since she robbed you of any bond you could have developed with him, he doesn't know you. Maybe right now, protecting his stability by staying away is more important than ego, pride, anger, getting revenge. In the future, through his own curiosity, he may come and seek you out but if you try to force your way into your exes life, it might confuse him. Do you wish to risk that?

 

The indifference you are describing is different from the anger you felt before and that's a sign your mind is working through things. It's a sign your healing is progressing. Slowly. But nonetheless, progressing.

 

- Beach

Edited April 17, 2019 by Beachead

[seany25]

Ignore. She’s nothing to you.

 

Glad you’ve gotten to indifference

 

It sounds like perhaps you're truly starting to move on. Suggest you continue with that as it is (another) positive change.

 

I guess you're right. Me feeling nothing much about it is probably a healing in some way. Whereas 5 years ago it would have been a huge pain.

 

I'm quite certain there'll be future things on the horizon that may well have the potential for causing me a huge upset, like if she ever changes my boys surname if she gets married, for example, but I'll just deal with that if and when it comes.

 

Anything that does happen that I don't agree with, I'll certainly let it be known, but I won't allow it to affect me negatively.

[seany25]

@Seany25

 

You want her to go to hell, so what's the point of wishing her a congratulations? It'd only be insincere. Therefore, if I were you, I'd say nothing.

 

This is quite true, I don't want to, so why would I.

 

Regarding your child, it's out of my scope but I'll say my peace and perhaps something might stick. Since she robbed you of any bond you could have developed with him, he doesn't know you. Maybe right now, protecting his stability by staying away is more important than ego, pride, anger, getting revenge. In the future, through his own curiosity, he may come and seek you out but if you try to force your way into your exes life, it might confuse him. Do you wish to risk that?

 

Not fully accurate actually. Yes, she stole away the initial years but my boy knows and loves me. No, I don't see him as often as most parents do, and that's mostly my fault these days, but me turning my back on him is simply not an option I'm willing to consider.

 

The indifference you are describing is different from the anger you felt before and that's a sign your mind is working through things. It's a sign your healing is progressing. Slowly. But nonetheless, progressing.

 

I think it must be healing. Although some of it is partly a decision I've made of complete indifference. Where, she excluded me from a lot in the early years, therefore I'll be as distant and unapproachable as possible from her nowadays too. I don't want to be her friend in any way. Even being civil isn't something I truly want to do, but I do it.

[Marc878]

Do you have any visitation?

 

Does he have your last name?

[seany25]

Do you have any visitation?

 

Does he have your last name?

 

No I don't have any visitation rights in place or even official parental recognition. And that's ok, we're very flexible in how I see my kid and that's cool because I can never have her holding legal s**t over my head. This was all her choice of course, against my will, but I'm fine with that now for those reasons.

 

No, he has her surname. Like I said I'm legally a nobody to my son, not even on his birth certificate - typing this just reminded me that these just a couple of the things I'm resentful about.

[Marc878]

Do you get time with him?

 

Alone time? Overnight stays?

[Beachead]

I think it must be healing. Although some of it is partly a decision I've made of complete indifference. Where, she excluded me from a lot in the early years, therefore I'll be as distant and unapproachable as possible from her nowadays too. I don't want to be her friend in any way. Even being civil isn't something I truly want to do, but I do it.

 

I admire you for choosing to stay for the child. Makes you a good person.

 

But just bear in mind though, it takes space away from a person to get passed the crap they've done. You don't have this luxury which means you may harbour resentful feelings for her for a very long time..possibly for the rest of your life. If you don't want to feel like that, you'll therefore have to find a way to make peace with what she did...for yourself. Otherwise that resentment annd anger may carry over into other relationships you have and continue to affect you. That's your biggest challenge here and you got work cut out for you.

 

But anyway, indifference for you is a change and that's good. Lets see what happens over time.

Edited April 18, 2019 by Beachead

[Marc878]

^^^^^ that's the rub isn't it.

 

These things can prohibit you from moving on having a great relationship with someone else. And they are out there.

[seany25]

Do you get time with him?

 

Alone time? Overnight stays?

 

I do get time with him and get to take him out when I want. We go out and do fun stuff like cinema and the trampoline park etc. I don't have overnight stays as I live 50 miles away and it's just not logistically viable currently.

[seany25]

Hi again, a major revelation has changed EVERYTHING.

 

I was dropping my boy off today, and his mum came out and was talking to my sister as I was in the yard saying hi to my sons new puppies, which he wanted to show me.

 

I came back to the car and I could soon tell that the conversation was of a medical nature. I listened for a bit and then asked my child’s mum “what is it” and she told me she could potentially be about to be diagnosed with MS.

 

It immediately hit me hard and I struggled to hold tears back there and then. She talked more about the situation; waiting for blood tests; has to spend 5 hours at hospital this coming Monday; it could be important that it’s discovered early, etc etc.

 

I got out of the car and told her it was freaking me out and I gave her a massive hug, telling her I hope she is gunna be ok.

 

She was keeping a brave face on, being in high enough spirits and even joking that she could “be on the way out”. But I know she’ll be frightened, I mean, she’s just had another baby and to begin considering the future, should you find out you have such a life-changing illness would be daunting. She’shad 2 mini-strokes, and this further potential illness was found as a result.

 

I’ve cried a few times since. I cried whilst typing this. And I’ll likely cry many more times about it.

 

Everything I’ve said on this thread and my other thread about how I felt hard done by and all my perceived grievances, are now completely eradicated. She is absolved of anything I held against her. There will never be another word about it.

 

I feel terrible that it’s taken something like this to make me truly, and so quickly, let it all go. But there’s nothing I can do about the last 7 years holding on to it, all I can do now is be a better man and a better person to her going forward.

 

She doesn’t deserve something like this. She is an incredible mother. My sister told me the other day that she has never seen a child who is as well behaved as my son, even over her own 3 children.

 

On everything I hold sacred, on my life, on my soul, I sincerely hope with all my heart that the mother of my child is going to be ok