MM all of the sudden so cold

[Crackers115]

I have been lurking and reading the posts and they have helped a little but I thought I tell everyone my story

I have been with MM for a year now. It has been a intense A and I truly feel for him and really started to open up to him these last few months. I should also say that we work together every day.

The A started out slowly maybe meeting after work 1 or 2 twice a weeks. Sometimes we wouldn't even hookup for a couple of weeks. He would always call me after work, weekends, whenever he had free time to talk. A few months into we ended up see each almost every day after work or at night. It was crazy but the sex was just nothing I have experienced before. He was kind, caring, would do anything for me. I have never had any man do what he did for me.

 

DD came around 6 months into it. I still didn't take the A seriously. I told him just go back to your wife and work it out with her. This is where I was wrong. He said no I don't want to work it out with her. I'm truly unhappy and have been for years. She has been verbally abusing me and constantly belittles me. I want out because you have showed me so much. I got sucked back in and we continued for the next five months. During this time is win I let myself open up to him. Now I know I was wrong.

He started future talking, saying how much he loved me etc... I was on cloud 9. In fact he moved out for almost 2 months. Those 2 months were wonderful and I really thought this was going to be a real deal. But he never we went and filed for a divorce even though he kept saying he would and that soon he would be with me.

All of a sudden I didn't hear from at all for 3 days. He ghosted me! My instincts told me he went back home because it was unlike him not to call me. He would call me 24/7

When I finally saw him I confronted him and told him that I missed talking to him the last few days. He was like I was busy and my phone got stolen. Very cold so unlike him. I never seen that side before. So I was like whatever. The next day I said well what is going on with us. He wouldn't answer me and I kept asking. He said we need to slow it down some. I said so we are done right? No just slow it down some. I was like whatever. I just started to accept its over.

We stilled continued to work together. Just totally coldness and I gave it right back to him. It has been so hard!!

I did find out he was back home he didn't tell me someone else did. So yesterday I made it know to him that I knew he was back home. He was like yea I back home he said it to me 3 times. I didn't say anything or ask questions about why. I'm starting not to care but it still stings.

Like I said he has been cold to me all week except yesterday he tried to grab me and pinch my side like he use to do all the time. I turned my head just in time and pulled back quickly. Then another time I had to turn on the heater and he went to do it to so he was able to put his hand over mine. I pulled away quickly. It was very weird.

How can you be so cold to me for a few days and then now start to come back around and do what he was doing. Is he that miserable at home already?

I'm so confused! Anyone ever had to deal like this? I did forget to add that he has been married for over 30 years and a few years older than me

Edited March 19, 2016 by Crackers115
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[loveisanaction]

He's not unhappy in his home. He wants to be home and he wants you on the side.

 

He has told you that he is back with his wife, if you go back to the affair you are communicating to him that you are okay being his [affair partner]

 

He sees you as sexual fun, nothing else. It's up to you to decide if that's how you see yourself.

Edited March 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[heartwhole]

He's not an emotionally healthy person. He moved out and then all of a sudden moved back in without the courtesy of telling you that? Then he tries to feel you up at work again?

 

All the things he told you were out the cheater's handbook. It sounds like you know that.

 

He's probably cold because he's "working on his marriage," only he's not working on it enough to explain clearly what's happening and stop trying to come on to you.

 

Personally, I would say "enough with this stupidity!" and move on. It sounded promising when he moved out, but then he flip-flopped back without so much as an explanation. If he can't be honest with you, then what do you have to build a relationship on? And the truth is, he can't be honest with himself, and that issue is not easily fixed.

[Satu]

He's where he wants to be, with the person he wants to be with.

 

QED.

[privategal]

He senses your coldness, feels if his wife still decides to divorce and he is thrown out...he cant lose his backup plan.

Your back to square one.

He knows how to draw you out, he knows your soft spots and what will stir uour heart.

Its all an act and effort to keep you lined up and on the hook in case he needs you.

He's banking on things settling at home and you softening back up so he can go right back to the same comfy scenario he had before dday.

His wife let him back home so he knows no matter how badly he messed up she wont let him go, so now all he needs is the same from you.

Then hes golden!

Those three days he ghosted you, he was engaged with hysterical bonding with his wife. He was so happy he was avle to snow her into forgiving him and he was playing the role of the reformed happy husband. He was making it all up to her, creating new bonds and promises and confirming his love over and over.

Dont give him cold, give him ICE.

Tell him you aren't welcome to touch me, its over, no conversation outside of crucial work detail is welcome.

THREE days when he calls every day, he never considered is she worried? Is she sad? Is she sick with pain?

How about if he called or said face to face dear x, I have reconciled with my wife, I am sorry for hurting you and I need to go NC in respect for my wife and family and wanted to tell you why you wont hear from me.

Your dignity wasnt important.

Dont think when he comes to you for sex its love. Its sex, sex is easy for a woman to find, you dont need his...he sleeps with HER...Do you want to share with another woman?

Or do you want sex from a guy who will take you on dates and introduce you to his friends and family and not have to sneak to call you and will bring you soup when you are sick and spend the night and not have to lie and sneak to see you.

You are valuable and too precious to be manipulated back in to this dead end road.

Id job search too.

I wouldnt want to see his face everyday after ruthlessly breaking your heart.

Hes trying to wear you down to miss him and drop your pants.

Keep telling yourself you are worth more.

All the sex he needs he can now get at home.

[Satu]

Why waste your time even thinking about someone who doesn't love you?

 

 

From my journals:

 

 

"Love or dysfunctional attachment?

 

There are many things that people call 'love,' which aren't love at all.

 

Here's a little test:

 

 

"Love is total commitment to a person's wellbeing."

 

 

If you can both meet that standard, its love.

 

If you can't, it isn't."

 

 

 

Take care.

[imsosad]

My guess is he didn't "move out",rather he was *thrown out*.

It is an important difference. I think he did not decide that he was unhappy and it is time to leave, but that his wife reached a boiling point and made him leave.

The second she was willing to have him back home,he came running.

He was never going to file for divorce.

Same old sob story-wife is cold and mean. Right, whatever.

He wants to resume cake eating, plus,as a bonus, keep you sweet in case she throws him out again.

This is never going anywhere. Lucky for you. You can move on and leave him to carry on making a mess of his life.

Dont feel as though you lost, he is just another weak man, dealing with his problems by lying and cheating, not caring that he is fooling and hurting two women.

Dont go back to him, he has nothing to offer you other than more of the same. Being a second best side dish is what he is trying to sell you, be good to youreslf and decline. You deserve so much better.

Edited March 19, 2016 by imsosad
typos

[sandylee1]

So why hasn't he left this emotionally abusive wife..if you've shown him how good it can be?

 

Why would a grown man with a backbone choose to continually be abused and belittled?

 

That's not good for him and if they have kids..it's not good for the kids to see either.

 

I'm not sure about you ....but I like a strong man that can protect me and my kids ... if a man can't even protect himself from the abuse of his wife ... he'd be of little use to me and I'd find him very unattractive in a heartbeat.

 

If he's a victim of abuse ... then he needs help.

 

Does it make sense to you?

 

Either that or you're being fed a pack of lies.

[lemondrop21]

IMO he may be unhappy at home, or he may not be. Some do this back and forth dance, moving out for a while and then going back and then possibly moving out again. The problem is that you can't KNOW what's really going on. As another poster said, his w may have thrown him out and then wanted him back.

 

If at some stage he proclaims again that he wants to be with you (very possible he will do this as he continues to waffle back and forth) I think you should insist that he do IC (individual counseling) so that a professional can help him through the process of determining whether he actually wants to stay in the m or leave. If he ultimately leaves and starts a life with you, you want him to have done so only after reaching the point where he feels sure about that decision.

 

The likely outcome is that he won't do this, though; he may very well end up doing marriage counseling with w and trying to make it work with her. This could go on for years regardless of whether or not they ultimately reconcile their marriage. If he pursues this route, as painful as it may be, you will need to let him go, unless you are content with being the OW indefinitely. At this point, I think he's broken your heart too much to allow for that.

 

Sending you hugs and best wishes. It must have been very saddening to have him be with you for a couple of months only to go back... especially when you initially weren't that invested in the A. He pulled you in, encouraged you to fall in love with him, only to jerk you around in the end. I'm so sorry for your pain.

[Satu]

With someone as dishonest as him, its unwise to believe anything he says.

[Crackers115]

IMO he may be unhappy at home, or he may not be. Some do this back and forth dance, moving out for a while and then going back and then possibly moving out again. The problem is that you can't KNOW what's really going on. As another poster said, his w may have thrown him out and then wanted him back.

 

If at some stage he proclaims again that he wants to be with you (very possible he will do this as he continues to waffle back and forth) I think you should insist that he do IC (individual counseling) so that a professional can help him through the process of determining whether he actually wants to stay in the m or leave. If he ultimately leaves and starts a life with you, you want him to have done so only after reaching the point where he feels sure about that decision.

 

The likely outcome is that he won't do this, though; he may very well end up doing marriage counseling with w and trying to make it work with her. This could go on for years regardless of whether or not they ultimately reconcile their marriage. If he pursues this route, as painful as it may be, you will need to let him go, unless you are content with being the OW indefinitely. At this point, I think he's broken your heart too much to allow for that.

 

Sending you hugs and best wishes. It must have been very saddening to have him be with you for a couple of months only to go back... especially when you initially weren't that invested in the A. He pulled you in, encouraged you to fall in love with him, only to jerk you around in the end. I'm so sorry for your pain.

 

The hard part for me has been the 2 last months when he moved out. He didn't move in with me but stayed with a friend that had a extra room. Although he was with me ever night and even spent the night a few times. I didn't allow him to move in until he signed his papers.

I think that was when I truly fell in love with him. I loved being around him more And more. He maid me feel so good and special!

It is so freaking hard. I can't believe I got played! It has been a very rough week. You know I want to make him feel what I'm feeling. I want to call him so many names and ask how can he do this to me. I did ask him early in the week so this is how you are going to act towards me and not tell me anything and he didn't even answer. Just looked straight ahead. Jerk!

[Satu]

The hard part for me has been the 2 last months when he moved out. He didn't move in with me but stayed with a friend that had a extra room. Although he was with me ever night and even spent the night a few times. I didn't allow him to move in until he signed his papers.

I think that was when I truly fell in love with him. I loved being around him more And more. He maid me feel so good and special!

It is so freaking hard. I can't believe I got played! It has been a very rough week. You know I want to make him feel what I'm feeling. I want to call him so many names and ask how can he do this to me. I did ask him early in the week so this is how you are going to act towards me and not tell me anything and he didn't even answer. Just looked straight ahead. Jerk!

You will never get 100% of a married man if it isn't you he's married to.

[privategal]

The hard part for me has been the 2 last months when he moved out. He didn't move in with me but stayed with a friend that had a extra room. Although he was with me ever night and even spent the night a few times. I didn't allow him to move in until he signed his papers.

I think that was when I truly fell in love with him. I loved being around him more And more. He maid me feel so good and special!

It is so freaking hard. I can't believe I got played! It has been a very rough week. You know I want to make him feel what I'm feeling. I want to call him so many names and ask how can he do this to me. I did ask him early in the week so this is how you are going to act towards me and not tell me anything and he didn't even answer. Just looked straight ahead. Jerk!

 

But he did answer you...with silence...thats an answer.

So you arent even worth eye contact and an honest heart to heart. But he wants to grab and pinch you and touch your hand...cause those physical touches lead to sex. But your emotions?

Ya no...those wont be addressed, those dont lead to sex and require honesty, so those will have to be dealt with on your own. He doesnt consider your feelings and explaining why he lied and led you ok to be his problem.

He got the warm body and free sex until his wife let him back in, then you were no longer necessary unless you change your attitude, forgive the manipulation and start worshipping him again on a pefestal so he can get laid.

[Satu]

From my journals:

 

 

"Learn to enjoy the ordinary.

 

Ordinary is good.

 

The intensity of affairs can be exciting, but they are something that happens on the periphery of the real. A big part of an affair is make believe, fantasy in motion; like living in a different dimension from everybody else.

 

Welcome back to the real world, where people are usually exactly what they appear to be."

[Mayday2016]

My xMM lived in hotels for 2 months this summer. He went back. I didn't want to acknowledge that the ending had started. Actually that was when he turned very cold and cruel toward me. About a month after him being home he developed a completely different personality or his true colors showed. He may have reinvested himself in his wife and detached from me, but who knows for real. Anyway, just open your eyes and be tuned in if he 'returns'... I wish I had paid attention, I would have been able to wrap my head around it all instead of keeping myself in the [] clouds.

Edited March 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sandylee1]

The one thing you should know..is that having an affair with a MM never ends well. Someone always gets hurt. More often than not it's the OW..... if you end up with the man..his wife and family are hurt.

 

It's like driving a car that you know is faulty...not a wise move in any world. If we all treated others as we'd like to be treated... it would be a much better world ...... alas..that's not the case.

[Crackers115]

My xMM lived in hotels for 2 months this summer. He went back. I didn't want to acknowledge that the ending had started. Actually that was when he turned very cold and cruel toward me. About a month after him being home he developed a completely different personality or his true colors showed. He may have reinvested himself in his wife and detached from me, but who knows for real. Anyway, just open your eyes and be tuned in if he 'returns'... I wish I had paid attention, I would have been able to wrap my head around it all instead of keeping myself in the [] clouds.

 

Did he try to come back to you? Your story sounds just like mine. He went back and became very cold. Totally unexpected. How are you doing now? I'm sorry for it happened to you. I feel your pain!

Edited March 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mayday2016]

Did he try to come back to you? Your story sounds just like mine. He went back and became very cold. Totally unexpected. How are you doing now? I'm sorry for it happened to you. I feel your pain!

 

He did but he made it a hookup relationship. We talked everyday then all of a sudden he'd cut it down to emailing and texting to 4 days then 2 days, then once a week and then not at all. And the only time he'd do those things is because he wanted sex. It wasn't the how are you, I miss you, no funny blurbs no onion or npr articles that he thought id enjoy, no YouTube song links.. Just I want you to do xyz to me at this time on xyz. And then he disappeared for 2 weeks. Sent him child support papers (I had our baby end of December) and then he disappeared again for almost 3 weeks and I sent him papers again and he calls me crying and whining and we haven't spoken since. Our baby is now 3 months old and he held her once at 6 days, popped in 3 times since then but stopped it all 7 weeks ago.

 

Don't hold out hope. Don't cling to him. I loved my xMM so much and I always, always will but you have to get out of the fog to see them as the selfish creatures they are.

[Crackers115]

He did but he made it a hookup relationship. We talked everyday then all of a sudden he'd cut it down to emailing and texting to 4 days then 2 days, then once a week and then not at all. And the only time he'd do those things is because he wanted sex. It wasn't the how are you, I miss you, no funny blurbs no onion or npr articles that he thought id enjoy, no YouTube song links.. Just I want you to do xyz to me at this time on xyz. And then he disappeared for 2 weeks. Sent him child support papers (I had our baby end of December) and then he disappeared again for almost 3 weeks and I sent him papers again and he calls me crying and whining and we haven't spoken since. Our baby is now 3 months old and he held her once at 6 days, popped in 3 times since then but stopped it all 7 weeks ago.

 

Don't hold out hope. Don't cling to him. I loved my xMM so much and I always, always will but you have to get out of the fog to see them as the selfish creatures they are.

I can't imagine the pain that you have since u have a child with him. I hope you can get through and take care of your beautiful child.

He use to call me 24/7 on his phone just to talk and we would talk for hours. The longest I have ever talked to anyone. He had to get a burner phone because his wife kept of his phone all the time by checking the bill. She even put a gps app on it to see where he was going. It's so hard to still not hold out for hope. His W is very controlling and he never has really been out on his own. He was scared and didn't know what to do. He told me years before we even started a A. Other people that know him and W even said that. I just hope he is suffering with his decision and that she crucifies him to the T. I have to see him everyday which makes it so much worse.

Edited March 20, 2016 by Crackers115
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[imsosad]

His wife is controlling?

More like realistic.

You make her sound crazy,but he is cheating,isn't he?

[bathtub-row]

Here are my thoughts on this situation. I think he does love you but, like a lot of men, they usually can't deal with the guilt and financial issues associated with divorce, nor do they put the same value on love that women do. I think it's obvious that he and his wife have serious issues if he left for two months. But it's pretty common for people to forget how bad things are in a relationship once they get some distance from it.

 

However having said all that, his behavior towards you is inexcusable. Meaning, you shouldn't easily overlook what he has done. It would also worry me that he would choose to lie to you about moving back instead of being upfront. For me, this would be a total dealbreaker because it says so much about how he handles things. This is not only a lie, it's a HUGE one.

 

I wouldn't be too flattered by his actions toward you right now, no matter how thoughtful and sweet they seem. Showing forgiveness toward him right now - or anytime in the near future - would only make you look like a sap. Personally, I wouldn't talk to him ever again except for work related issues and to tell him once and for all that the relationship is over and he is to keep things on a professional level, to keep his distance and his hands off of you. And if you do that, make sure you mean it. At this stage, it's not relevant as to whether you love him or not in terms of how you act toward him and what you let him get away with. He has shown you that he is perfectly ok with hurting you and lying to you. That's really all you need to know.

[georgia girl]

Here are my thoughts on this situation. I think he does love you but, like a lot of men, they usually can't deal with the guilt and financial issues associated with divorce, nor do they put the same value on love that women do. I think it's obvious that he and his wife have serious issues if he left for two months. But it's pretty common for people to forget how bad things are in a relationship once they get some distance from it.

 

However having said all that, his behavior towards you is inexcusable. Meaning, you shouldn't easily overlook what he has done. It would also worry me that he would choose to lie to you about moving back instead of being upfront. For me, this would be a total dealbreaker because it says so much about how he handles things. This is not only a lie, it's a HUGE one.

 

I wouldn't be too flattered by his actions toward you right now, no matter how thoughtful and sweet they seem. Showing forgiveness toward him right now - or anytime in the near future - would only make you look like a sap. Personally, I wouldn't talk to him ever again except for work related issues and to tell him once and for all that the relationship is over and he is to keep things on a professional level, to keep his distance and his hands off of you. And if you do that, make sure you mean it. At this stage, it's not relevant as to whether you love him or not in terms of how you act toward him and what you let him get away with. He has shown you that he is perfectly ok with hurting you and lying to you. That's really all you need to know.

 

I agree with this! What ever happened to saying to someone, "You weren't good to me. You lied and you failed to meet the basic expectations I have for someone I would enter into a relationship with. I am sorry but some things can't be taken back or sealed over. It hurts but I am moving on to find the one who does t disappoint me."

 

When did these guys become gods? For goodness sake, they are willing to cheat, lie, manipulate and defame others to get what they want. Sorry, I just don't understand their appeal.

[Satu]

 

When did these guys become gods? For goodness sake, they are willing to cheat, lie, manipulate and defame others to get what they want. Sorry, I just don't understand their appeal.

 

*They are very good at selling fantasies, and also very good at sniffing out people who will believe them.

[elaine567]

What I cannot really understand is, if some single guy you had dated for a year, upped and left and moved back in with his ex gf and then proceeded to shut you out by treating you mean and giving you the silent treatment, what would anyone in that situation do?

Kick him to the curb I guess. Grieve, sort yourself out, get glammed up and on to the NEXT...

 

BUT not here on the OW forums, it is all about "love" and how HE really feels and how despite all signs to the contrary he really loves ME...deep down...

[lemondrop21]

What I cannot really understand is, if some single guy you had dated for a year, upped and left and moved back in with his ex gf and then proceeded to shut you out by treating you mean and giving you the silent treatment, what would anyone in that situation do?

Kick him to the curb I guess. Grieve, sort yourself out, get glammed up and on to the NEXT...

 

BUT not here on the OW forums, it is all about "love" and how HE really feels and how despite all signs to the contrary he really loves ME...deep down...

 

I think for many OW/M it has do with the fact that they compromised their dignity, morals etc for months or sometimes years, with the assumption (either stated or assumed) that it would all be worth it in the end because they'd someday be together and have a chance at a real relationship.

 

When that doesn't happen, it's hard to let go because you feel like you never got the chance in the first place, to see if the relationship could work out. So you cling onto anything and accept behavior that you would never accept otherwise. It feels terrible, but for a time it's not quite as terrible as admitting that you compromised your own dignity for absolutely nothing.