Separation with a young family and move

[Combo81]

Hi all,

 

First time poster. I'll try and compress this story as short and as factual as possible.

 

So my wife of 5 years left me on the 30th of January. She took our other car and two kids with her. Both 3 and 2. I didn't hear from her for 2 days and I was worried sick. I only noticed that she had withdrawn $1000 from our joint account. So I knew something was up. She left the house like she was literally coming back in an hour. Food on the bench, dishes in the sink. She finally got back to me by text, a day later and told me she was driving.. 3500kms away. The thing is, we were due to move as a family a week and a half later but she decided to leave earlier which left me with an entire 4 bedroom house to pack up and sort out. She ended up driving to the destination we were due to go that week after.

 

Anyway, prior to this we had been arguing for about 4 days on and off. It was over petty stuff like how she drove, making plans and forgetting previous ones we had made and things like that. We were never violent with each other and never hit each other or anything like that. Harsh words were spoken. I would say that over the past year, we have been rocky on and off. We have gone to relationship counselling and it seems like my job and long hours don't help, along with her feeling unappreciated that she's at home looking after the kids full time. She says she felt trapped.

 

Anyway, I am a 34 year old man, but I had never ever been so emotional in my life. I would just be watching TV, look at my phone and see my kids on the wallpaper and cry. So weird and so embarassing. The thought of suicide did cross my mind a couple times, especially as I knew I had such a hard road ahead. But my kids help me through, and I don't want them growing up always wanting to know what happened to their Daddy.

 

Thankfully, I was able to get my sister up here for 3 days to help. I literally threw so much stuff out because I didn't know what to do with it, and I didn't know where to fit it. I finally got it all packed, put most of it in storage and headed up to follow them. By this stage, my feelings had turned from sadness to also bitterness.

 

So basically, I commenced my 3500km drive, and realised that I have no job and no house to go to. Kind of frightening. I was also feeling bitter as the last 4 years I have been working a 6 day a week, 12 hour a day job to help us get ahead. I was planning to have a nice break for a few weeks, explore the new area with my family and for this to happen was like a big kick in the leg. I was also feeling bitter about the fact that we were actually heading back to her town of birth. Where she knew alot of people and I know noone, it feels like it was so easy for her to go because she can depends on people.

 

Anyway, made it up there and saw my kids and her. She was kind of like had the tail between her legs. We did not talk about what happen and I was not rude or angry toward her as I knew this wouldn't have got me anywhere. So a couple days later, I felt my anger/sadness/bitterness surge again and proceeded to question her etc. This just turned her off everything and again it went sour for a little bit. So we decided mutually to not mention anything and then discuss what happened in a few weeks. She wanted to establish her self and get her own place.

 

So over the next few weeks, I slept in the car, I stayed at hotels and also caravan parks. Was such a disruptive start to my life here. I finally got a place and the kids come here and there to visit.

 

So now its been 6 weeks. We are civil but no closer to a resolution. She has not even mentioned or spoken about WHY she did it and it sort of hurts me inside as its just dragged out. We are going to relationship counselling over the next few weeks.

 

One part of me wants to resolve this for the sake of the kids and move on and rebuild our relationship, the other side of me wants to end it as I feel I didn't deserve what she did. I feel like what she did is so low, and I know I wouldn't have done that as I would have felt so bad inside. I just want to be in a happy marriage and the thought of divorce saddens me. Especially now that we are up here even if I want to leave, the courts will favour her because they wouldn't want to uproot the kids and also the fact that she was at home when they were growing up.

 

I know the way I treated her was wrong. I know I didn't appreciate her as much as I should have. I also know that I was wrong when I belittled her, critizised her driving and just in general being an ass. I understand there is always a breaking point, but I think when your're married, there is always and avenue to be open and adult about things. Not get in a car and run away.

 

I seriously have such a hard time coping. I don't even want to go back to work and feel anxious. I feel sad that I wasted so much money doing it this way when the last 4 years were to get us ahead. I feel sad and angry that I wanted this break and it seems so selfish of her to take that away from me. I feel angry at her that she left her responsibilities of a house we had together all on me. I feel annoyed that she took the easy way out, knows her way around this place and can take her mind off things as she has friends and family here. I feel like it was so much for me to take it all at the same time. The move, no job to go to, no house to live in.

 

I feel like communication is the biggest thing between us. When have an argument or disagreement, she doesn't care if it is slept on our sorted out a few days later, whereas I like to resolve things sooner and move on. I just get annoyed at her because she is so blase about everything in life.

 

Am I right to feel this way? Is she right for what she did? Will she ever do this again when things get to hard? I just don't even know. I know there are always two sides to a story...

 

Shes convinced me that there is noone else in her life. Although I cant help but be suss. But I feel like on of her close friends where she is living with is toxic to our relationship. I know she doesnt like me, and I dont like her, but it is partly my wifes fault as at the start of our relationship she used to always talk to her about how things were going with us.

Edited March 20, 2016 by Combo81
Additional info.

[loveboid]

You sound very self-centered to me.

 

You probably have unrealistic attitudes and beliefs. When those beliefs clash with reality you get angry and since they're so unrealistic they clash often and you get angry often.

 

I would be happy that your wife is back in her home town where she has friends and family who can help her relax and help with your kids.

[Combo81]

You sound very self-centered to me.

 

You probably have unrealistic attitudes and beliefs. When those beliefs clash with reality you get angry and since they're so unrealistic they clash often and you get angry often.

 

I would be happy that your wife is back in her home town where she has friends and family who can help her relax and help with your kids.

 

Wow.. Thanks for your 110 assumptions. There is always more than one side to the story as I mentioned. My main question is, how she left to me was the wrong way to go about things.

 

I'm sorry but I can't find anything constructive about your comment. I don't see how one can be self centred when you agree in a marital union about your roles. She was happy to stay at home look after the kids whilst I went to work.

[Satu]

snip

*I know the way I treated her was wrong. I know I didn't appreciate her as much as I should have. I also know that I was wrong when I belittled her, critizised her driving and just in general being an ass.

 

 

*She doesn't have to tolerate that.

 

She doesn't have to live like that.

 

She was right to leave you.

 

100%

[basil67]

Yes, leaving you to pack up the house without telling you what was going on was wrong. But it sounds like her behaviour stemmed from her getting to the point where she no longer cared. And frankly, it still sounds like she no longer cares.

 

If the two of you want to get past this, apportioning blame will serve no purpose. The first question to be asked (with a marriage counsellor) is "do you both want to try and save the marriage?"

[amaysngrace]

First off, I'm sorry that your life is in such disarray. The way your wife left you was cruel. You said you hadn't been the best husband to her and own your part but what she did shows a total lack of respect. She can complain that you don't appreciate her and her role but it doesn't sound as if she appreciates you or the sacrifices you make for your family either.

 

I'm glad you're both in counseling. Apologize to her there and calmly explain how you're made to feel.

 

Hopefully you can both gain understanding and get to a place where communication comes easily. I understand why you were frustrated because the resentment she had toward you was obviously brewing but it doesn't mean you should resort to calling her rude names or belittling her.

 

Hopefully through counseling you can address that. You guys are suppose to be each other's soft place so that you can set a good example for how to raise your children.

 

I think you both fell short in that department.